The Secret We All Share…

Human beings. We are a funny bunch.

Many of us tend to focus on what makes us different. Not all of us, but when we get pissed or someone believes something contradictory to us or drives their car how we don’t like it….or makes decisions we would never make, we focus on the differences.

We share that as human beings. Is it the secret? No.

We’ve lost a lot of artists in 2016. The latest being Prince. It didn’t really hit me til later, as I remembered my early adult years coming out of high school, as his songs were the theme to my relationships. Prince, 1999 and later Purple Rain. It was an emotional connection. Leading me deeper to include the part of myself who was freer, wilder, daring and edgy, (having Scorpio rising like him and the love of purple was relatable too) especially with his earlier songs. In those years, I’d drive along listening to Head and Sister.

Though to all appearances I probably appeared pretty straight-laced–wrapped tightly.

My point in sharing here isn’t my grief, the connection to his music or the re-living of those times in the past few days, it is that many of us hide out. We hide from ourselves first and the rest of the world secondly. We all share insecurities. We share weirdness, provocations and the fear of accepting those parts of ourselves others may deem unsavory.

Creativity, namely music and even the expression of any art form elicits what is hidden.

Is it the secret? No, I am getting there.

To continue, I thank artists who live on the edge of that space, because deep inside we all do have an edge, for most a hidden edge. When you hear your favorite song, or one you’ve attached meaning to about an emotional situation how do you actually feel? Vulnerable? Or at others times, tough, sensual, sexual, happy and like dancing your ass off? It creates an emotional connection with yourself. Just like a sad song relating to a break up, or how you feel so alone inside or alienated, it can dig it up and bring it to the surface.

As a fan of all sorts of music on loneliness and alienation, from Grunge to the Church, Echo and The Bunnymen….to the 60’s, 70’s and other genres of music–it used to pull up those murky parts of myself that I wanted to hide….and let me feel myself.

The perfect picture many of us carry on the outside rarely relates to what is going on inside. The CEOs and semi-celebs I’ve worked with are never what they appear to be on the outside, even the most creative ones. Truly! Most are used to being someone else too. Real happiness is not found in hiding the other parts…the ones we tuck away in fear of being found out, doing it wrong or having to explain.

Always for me, I never fit in and in many instances I still don’t (but where I do is magical–any more scorpio rising peeps who love the color purple?)….and it’s okay now. Not fitting in isn’t the fault of others, I believe it is a failure to embrace our own quirks. When trying to be somebody else and fit in, it’s impossible to be fulfilled. We will always feel ill at ease. You and I have our own tribes and the only way to attract those people is to be YOU. If you’re always stuck in pretense, all you will attract are pretentious relationships.

Think about it. Like attracts like.

Is it the secret? Almost.

A step toward the secret we all share is as long as I’m connected to me, I feel free. Freedom is what we all desire, in some capacity. Some of us are waiting for something again, outside of us, to set us free.

As you see there are many things we have in common with one another. Including, the deeper desire to share, to be open and embrace who we really are, to express that freedom, love, happiness and inner peace. We have more in common than less. Really we do.

Let’s take those words and bundle them up into a meaningful place inside of us. The true living of such words is a paradox, because of what may matter more to us.

The secret: We all want to belong.

We all want to be connected.

We all want to be our weird ass selves (yes everyone is weird) and be accepted. We all want to come as we are and no matter what (perhaps only in the privacy of our car, shower, bedroom or the company of strangers) be voicing it from the bottom of our lungs.

And back to the artists, does it mean they live in this way, being who they truly are? They’re like the rest of us, some would say yes, others would say no. (They may have a persona to live into that they created)

It is again what they create in their art, it’s an avenue for us to experience ourselves. And it may be the only time we do experience a part of true selves. Listening to those songs, which take us somewhere else deep inside.

Many of us need outside permission to live in full expression of what lies deep inside of us, and many of us deny what is in those depths, because we want to belong so badly. We want to appear to have it all, (we need the validation, attention and admiration) but I am here to tell you….under the skin of every person who appears to have it all perfectly built is a contradiction.

It’s what makes us lonely, feel disconnected and as though the emptiness inside cannot be permanently filled up. For some it is to keep so busy there’s no connection, just go-go-go and for others it is to be immobilized, also afraid to step into who they really are…it’s where we differ.

We distance, even when we look like we’re belonging. We create drama and strife, because it’s easier than the possible rejection for what truly lives in each of us. It is really through our own creativity that we are re-born.

It is when we say yes to ourselves that it becomes ok. And it means accepting the things we do against ourselves (and others), the ways we do hide out, stand with a huge wall, hurry and get pissed off. It means we embrace ourselves in the messes we create and take responsibility.

Oh yeah, to belong may be a physiological wiring, but we have 1000s of ways we do not take responsibility for the reasons we need to show up in a certain way with particular people. We look emotionally from afar, as though they may have the key to our finally feeling we’ve arrived; if only we can belong and again, we feel the unrest. Looks good on the outside, but sucks on the inside.

I was at a dinner party and someone asked what I do, we had a short conversation where I stated a few things I do, including learning to take responsibility without blaming others. He said, “Don’t we all do that?” And I said those of us who want to remain powerless to change our lives and be happy, yes; we stay victims.

In wanting to belong to a tribe, we may not even know why. We may have picked up those are the cool kids over there and I want to belong. Or we may rebel and say screw the cool kids, I am going to hang with the outsiders. Our group may be tied together in our unhappiness at not living a fully expressed, creative life. We cannot imagine what would become of us if we really sought out those we do belong with, that unknown can keep us dangling our entire lives.

What can you do? What are you willing to risk? How creative do you want to get? How free, happy and at peace do you want to be? You have to look deeper to understand your reasons for where you belong and why, you have to get to your beliefs around self-worth.

Every time I write or share it is a risk for me. Yeah, I am intensely private (believe it or not) and a lot of what I did in my younger years was not about love. It was about winning, appearances and self-inflicted pain. I didn’t know any better, most of us don’t.

Who was I? At the time I had no idea, just a bundle of anxiety, unease, analyzation and intellectual hubris….of course covered with a sense of humor, over-doing, over-giving and trying to be the best.

Some think walls are a great idea, and people have to earn something from us that we’re not even willing to give to ourselves. We also think we need to show up a certain way, so we don’t lose the people around us….because we’re afraid who we really are is nothing.

Ugh, right? The judge that lives in and outside of us telling us our worth, setting the stage for who we are and for many it’s based off someone else’s rules for life. We may want to belong ‘somewhere’ so badly….we create castles in the sky. Nothing real just the appearance of it. If we’re cast out, do we vow to instead be more of who we are or more of who we think other people want?

Finding your creativity may not make you into a world famous artist, but it can open you up to the truth of your spirit. It can help you navigate the lonely waters as you sail toward your tribe. It will free you, release you and allow you to touch on inner peace, love and happiness.

Artists when performing and being in that creative state, touch that part of themselves, even if it is only for the moments they perform. I had a client who had a profession she had not chosen, other than it would satisfy her parents. She was really an artist; truly talented. as an exercise she had to visit an art store and purchase a medium which spoke to her, and create something, take a picture and send it to me.

She did…and it was amazing. Even more amazing was how she felt during the time she was creating it, it opened her up to herself and her joy. If she was to continue to do this on a daily basis, she would touch on the hidden parts of herself, letting them surface, perhaps even accepting them. It could set be the start in setting herself free!

Being who you are and belonging is truly an inner journey first. The one into self-acceptance of all the parts you’ve hidden, buried deeply and pretended are non-existent. Being who you are is not a human-made perfection, it is a spiritual perfection.

Guru Wanted

It is funny how our civilization tends to elevate people.

Sometimes people who are elevated grow a much larger ego, but never really grow their own value inside. People can tell you a million times a day how wonderful you are, but if you don’t feel it inside… it doesn’t matter.

Putting people on pedestals is a disservice to you, to me and to anyone who is placed on a level of perfection will find it’s a threshold they cannot maintain. Perhaps from all appearances they can remain in this state of having overcome their humanness, but we usually wait for them to fall.

We all fall.

We all flounder.

Some of us may have experiences we can reflect upon that help others. I am surely as flawed and screwed up as the next person. And at times people can tell me how I’ve helped them or how wonderful I am… and I just can’t buy into it.

I was talking to a friend of mine and she mentioned a peer who called herself a ‘guru’ and all I thought was ego. No one is a guru. No one. It is our perception which makes it appear they are ‘above us’. I will never be above anyone, but I do feel like I up-level.

To up-level is to become lighter, less encumbered by my own thoughts, feelings and actions. To feel good most of the time, no matter what’s taking place outside of me.

I am more true to myself, more authentic and therefore even if I am depressed or angry, I am way happier than I used to be. Upleveling comes from speaking your truth. PERIOD.

If you ain’t speaking or living your truth then you’re faking yourself out. You aren’t the guru on the mountain, you are disconnected from your truth. I know because I’ve lived both sides of this coin. I used to try to buy into the fact that I could help strangers on a plane, but I could never help myself.

I just pretended I was okay–God forbid anyone find out that my careful veneer of ‘knowing it all’ was utter bullshit. It was a HEAVY burden to carry. Not saying the truth of my feelings out loud and always strategizing left me empty and making decisions from a state of lack rather than abundance.

Stating your truth builds trust within yourself. I do it constantly. I want my connection I’ve built with myself to be sustainable and strong, even when I feel weak. Perfection is the biggest sign of a weak connection to oneself. It says, “I do not trust who I really am, because I will be judged and cast out.”

We can feed ourselves this crap. Or we can get real. How do we get real?

• Stop telling ourselves stories which state, “If I say my truth, I will be lost, abandoned or annihilated in some way.” This is just our mind trying to keep us safe from going away from our learned beliefs, which keeps us in the behavior of creating shitty stories where we feel incapable of taking emotional risk.
• Realize everyone deals with issues of self-worth. EVERYONE. And if you hear anything different, it’s bullshit.
• Resistance comes up when we want to go beyond our walls, or we are not happy with OUTSIDE circumstances. We’re in a place of nonacceptance, which also leads to bad decision-making.
• Staying in a state of lack. As long as we believe we’re on our own, we’re screwed. Every bad decision you make comes from a state of lack. Some of us think we’ve gotta do it alone, be punished, sacrifice or repent for how horrible we are and therefore we don’t deserve ease, good or anything else. This means we don’t trust ourselves and life. Leading to…
• Learn to trust yourself and let your inner wisdom–your gut–make your decision. All that mind chatter does is freak you out. It’s a waste of time. It’s annoying and it is NOT your truth.
• Can’t say it? Write it and share it. I do all of the above.

I have shit just like everyone else; things that get me pinned to the mat, But even so, to disconnect and hide from my own feelings would make it worse. Trying to fix things on the outside before getting real about the inside will never bring HAPPY, FULFILLING results.

I’ve lived a white picket existence, and inside of it I was miserable, So yeah, appearances are just that… appearances.

And I couldn’t give two shits about my appearance at this point. Authenticity is my home.

When will it be your turn to embrace your own REAL, AUTHENTIC, .less-than-perfect self?

And if you want some help, or don’t know if you’re READY for help, schedule one of my complimentary Discovery Sessions… one flawed human being to another.

xoxo

Tracy

 

Guilt and Worry; it’s a cocktail!

How often does guilt or worry creep in and ruin a good time? 20-50% or more like 75% of the time?

It can kill off joy quicker than a bad hangover. 

Guilt and worry come from our feeling:

• Undeserving of good fortune.
• Enjoying ourselves and beating ourselves up for it at the same time.
• Something is wrong if we believe that all is well in our world.

We may even believe we have to suffer while engaging an activity, because we feel it’s the right thing to do.

For some of us it’s almost a full time job, we may even believe if we worry enough, we’ll keep something really bad from happening.

It isn’t true.

We can stop worry and guilt before they take us down physically and emotionally. By stopping it, the quality of our life experiences will improve. We were created to let go and being free and yet, we fight against our nature….even if we stop worrying and leave guilt at the side of the road, we may not trust that life will be okay.

Why is guilt useless?

When we engage in something that we think we don’t deserve to experience or perhaps, it’ll upset someone; we go against ourselves.

How to solve the guilt issue?

1. Be honest.

First, with yourself about “why” you are or aren’t doing something.

What’s the reason?

Get real. Once you’re clear with yourself,  share the truth with someone else, especially if it affects them. Get ready for the outcome to be “change.” Human beings like to walk backwards into change, instead confront yourself and your “whys,” then allow change….deep down inside, you want it anyway.

2. Get deep.

Perhaps, you feel you don’t deserve good fortune or to have fun, ask yourself why.

Really, really get to the seed of where it sprouted…were you raised to believe work before fun and that no amount of work was really ever enough? Or maybe you were made to feel bad about wanting different things than your parents? There is a long list of reasons we may feel we don’t deserve good. We may find guilt to be the familiar coat we wear. Get to know yourself.

Worry. Who me?

NOTHING is worth the worry. All that you accomplish is going through a cycle of scenarios that 95% of the time do not happen. And even if they were to happen, you’ve still accomplished nothing by worrying, there’s no suitable game plan, because even if something bad happens–it’ll still be different than you imagined.

And so what if you worry and it comes true. You wasted all that time feeling crappy. When you get to the last day of your life, what will all the time you wasted worrying have brought you? Regret. That’s all.

How to Wash The Worry Away?

1. Let Go

Realize that no matter what you are worrying about, the process of worry will do nothing to prevent it. It’s a NON-ACTION. Thought does nothing. If there’s something you’re betting is going to happen and you can do nothing to prevent it, then let go. If you can do something, then do it.

2. Re-Focus

That’s right. Once you attempt to let go, you’re next step is to manifest what you do want to happen. Believe in the good of life and you’re own good fortune. You’re not holding the world together by worrying, you’re giving yourself a useless ulcer.

Focus on trusting that things will work out for the best no matter how it looks; believe and have faith that everything in between being born and death can be overcome, so what’s the worry when those are your only two guarantees?

Now what can you do without guilt and worry running the show?

Have FUN!

Take risks! 

Step out of your comfort zone!

LOVE freely!

SAY what you really THINK and FEEL!

LET GO and BE FREE!

I am an a*sh*le, how about you?

It’s a free world and whether you like it or not, I choose to be an as*h*le!

 How about you?

This world is a little too serious at times. Translated: some people take themselves way too seriously.

When you look for reasons to justify perfection in yourself, be upset, self-righteous, stomp your feet because you didn’t get your way, dig into your own hypocrisy or suffer hurt feelings, come see me. I can provide the recipe to make you feel vindicated.

That’s right. You can blame me. I will be your own private as*h*le.

Click here to read the rest.

What is in YOUR heart? Part One

Painting by ChristopherPaul

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

A couple of weeks ago, I reached out to some 25 people asking a specific question. Several of the people I knew well and some only as acquaintances.  I asked the question: “What is in your heart?” I had absolutely no idea what this question would unleash in responses I received and the reaction of those who chose not to participate in answering the question.

My caveat to answering the question was limit it to 10 items and no specific person could be mentioned as being in your heart. There were some shared items from a few participants, but many who took this question to a whole new place.

When I asked this question, I didn’t realize the apparent complexity and fear it created in a couple of individuals. I had people call me and exclaim they had no idea how to connect to their heart, because they lived in their head… and the “heart” was a scary place to visit.

Others answered me within an hour, a seemingly simple enough question with a simple answer.

The answers remind me of how we are all connected. Each one of us, we are the same in our “essence” of being human and subjected to many of the same emotions brought on by outside circumstances. In other words, we all have our triumphs and struggles; many of them are shared as humans.

And in asking the question “what is in your heart”, meaning what are you connected to, have passion and love for beyond those close to you… it also solicits the query: “Now that you have illuminated what is in your heart, do you act to support what is contained there?”

How often do you do the things you love or live from your heart? That is the next question I want answered.

Yesterday I was sitting with Rev. Emma and her daughter Victoria; we were discussing the “heart list” as they had both been included in my original question.  Rev. Emma mentioned how we move from our head to our heart. When we bow our head and pray, what are we looking at? We have moved to being far less than the 18 inches from the top of our head to our heart…. we are now looking directly at our heart when we pray, our head is next to our heart.

And how do we maintain that connection at all times? That is another question I’d love to hear answers to….

Of the answers received there were a few items that popped up on more than one list:

1. God

2. Nature

3. Love

4. Freedom

5. Compassion

6. Loneliness

7. Joy

8. Pain

9. Trust

10. Laughter

I asked my youngest daughter who is 20, what was in her heart. She looked at me and rolled her eyes, the question did not compute. I’m guessing one day, she’ll be able to know as life brings more experiences for her to decide what that means to her in all its glory.

I am sharing my list of 10 items here; in my next post “tomorrow” will be answers to the question from all who shared with me….

My list:

1. Nature: smell, sounds, sight, the feel—it is my church, my peace.
2. The Universe, my higher power and all it provides.
3. The smell of baked goods.
4. The memories of those who have passed that I will always miss.
5. Wide open spaces-its how I like to feel inside of me-spacious.
6. Change: the experience of myself as I observe it all as seasons, reasons, destruction and creation.
7. Compassion for myself and all beings in this world
8. The bliss of my 5 senses, making this earth a sensual, loving, intoxicating and yummy experience.
9. Feeling deeply connected to others through laughter, sadness and everything in between.
10. Art and Beauty in its evocation, complexity, profundity and passion

I ask the question to everyone out there, what is in your heart? Besides a specific person, please elaborate on what that means to you; I would love to hear as a comment here or email me at Tracy@13degreez.com

Trance of Fear

Many of us were taught to be somewhat stoic in dealing with problems and tragedy. “A stiff upper lip, get over it or I can’t believe you are still dwelling on it” are some of the words tossed at us.

And over time these sorts of “rules to live by” make it difficult to be real. It is as though we are layering ourselves with a closetful of parkas to protect ourselves from the cold judgment of others and ourselves.

It becomes challenging to show and display what we really feel and think of ourselves; our weaknesses and strengths, because the real “you” may be under all those layers of this deep woolly coat. We hide the weak; show the strength, but maintain a façade of humility, so as not to make anyone think our ego is too large.

As we pretend to be okay, we sink further into feeling separate, alone and threatened.

The trance of fear arises from feeling emotionally cut off in relationships. We continue to feel fundamentally insecure until we begin to experience with others some of the love and understanding we needed as children.

The first step in finding a basic sense of safety is to discover our connectedness with others.  When we begin to trust the reality of another person caring, supporting us and feeling we deserve to belong, the stranglehold of fear loosens its grip.

How many relationships do you have with others where you feel emotionally connected? Where you can be yourself and are allowed the space to unveil your insecurities instead of hide or run from them?

Oftentimes when we are afraid in a relationship, we do things that we are completely unaware of in terms of how we make our partner feel.  We may be emotionally unavailable and not aware, because fear has us in a trance.

As an example, let’s say you and your husband always love spending time talking together at the end of the day. Now your husband turns on the television and when you try to interrupt him, he says, “Please, I just need to wind down…can you just let me be right now.” And you hear that resonate in your head and run off to your bedroom and cry. You are upset and feel your whole relationship is over or in serious trouble.

He follows after you to see what he “did this time” to have you run off in this way.

Overreaction? Yes.

All you know is that you feel abandoned and you have no idea why you are in a trance of fear. Try to sit with the feeling you have in the middle of your reaction and see what it tells you. You may remember something like your dad coming home from work each day and turning on the television. And when you wanted to share news with him about you and your accomplishments or problems; he told you “not now” or “can’t you see I’m watching tv” or maybe he got really angry and found your interrupting him to be a major offense.

Unfortunately, you had no recollection of this earlier moment when your husband responded to you as to his being preoccupied. And when you become aware of these sorts of “past interludes”, you can make a different decision in the present moment to deal with your insecurity. You are then at choice to take different action.

You could explain to your husband the cause of your reaction and open up communication for further conversation. This creates emotional “availability”, connection and takes fear out of the driver’s seat, literally.

Connection in a love relationship means opening up yourself to not being alone in any sense of the word. It is building a foundation of love and understanding, which is safe, where you can share fears that are buried under the layers of your parka.

We don’t have to choose to be alone, ever.

Up close and Personal with my special guest “Fear”

Up close and personal with fear. Just one of many conversations I have had with “fear” as I move toward living in the result of accomplishing my dreams and goals.

Oh tis true fear; how I love thee, let me count thy ways.

I want to know and own all of my fear; name it and go through its tight constricting grip on my Universe of dreams to the other side…to where I’ve never been thanks to fear limiting my world.

Nickname all the fear, which is unclear, that comes to me as fleeting thoughts and making decisions at times without being in the present moment; I want it all unveiled now.

 

Asking myself so many questions, why am I in all of the current situations I find myself? Not to analyze every step mentally, but what is the feeling behind why I am here? What vehicle drove me to this location; on what road did I take? What is the draw, the benefit to my surroundings? What is the cost each day I stay in this place?   Where was I conditioned to think I must overcome or fight this battle and win? What do I win?

Nothing outside of me is really a battle; it is a reflection of my inner world. The battle within, coupled with my inability to stay consistent, because fear is the driver.  What if I take a wrong turn, re-visit an old rest stop or gulp…look weak not strong, stupid not smart or end up vulnerable and used?

The incapacitating feeling it creates; it restricts vulnerability and keeps me trapped…when it is so much easier to show my heart.  That fear “thing”; I must put my toe in the water and be free!

Instead I sometimes draw a line in the sand with my head and close up my heart further…for me I decided awhile back, “the cycle needs to end once and for all”.  And it has been a long journey away from my head and the fears within that small space.

I live in my heart more of the time than I ever did in the past, but it is not enough to allow me to touch the sky. At times, fear still manages to take the wheel and drive without my seeming knowledge or permission.

Today, I feel it. A major change happening within to pull me out of the outworn values and conditioning, self-limiting beliefs I feel restricted by…

Everything outside of me is a symbol; it only has the meaning and power I give to it, which depending on the circumstances remains a variable. A technique I use that partially rescinds fear from stopping me cold… is when I accept where I am emotionally. Not battling myself. I combine that technique with the knowing that I have to make distinct choices, which require different action.

Then I am stuck momentarily.

What are the different options available for a new decision?  Good question.

And as I sit with my circumstances, digging deeper, asking “why”?  I find being with the smallness in me starts to unravel the ties that bind me from my own light. I watch the iron clasps melt away like butterflies newborn on a summer day, as I go into my hell to be purified from the demon within that says “no” I am not worthy.

Its never just one area of my life, I’m the common cord… its all related.

So fear, we’ll start with developing a little consistency and commitment.

To be consistent; how do I treat me like I matter all the time? And in accordance; I seek a mirror, which reflects the consistency of treating myself with kindness and acknowledging my value. I am committed to show up for myself. And even if it is difficult, I will communicate honestly with me, stay committed and be supportive of my mistakes and weakness. This means I can’t run, hide or cut off from myself.

My approach needs mindfulness and awareness.

Even though awareness requires an elevated amount of attention to my inner life, it is much better than wallowing in a high level of discomfort, because I am STUCK.

In the mirror I seek in another human being, I know that whatever they reflect back to me positive or negative, it is what they feel about their own self too.

I want a kind, compassionate, forgiving, loving mirror reflected back to me…

So, I must be a kind compassionate, forgiving, loving being to me first.

How do I change my perception? I dig deeper to unveil the pain that keeps me trapped and makes me fearful.

And sometimes walking through your fear, you may notice it is still foggy yet heavy. And this when I ask the question; what is so old in me that I can’t give or receive from this place? Is it numb?

This is when I stay in this uncomfortable space, hunkered down feeling the heaviness, the fogginess…watching for an answer…where did this fear start and how is it true? (It never is by the way)

Time to REALLY commit, down on the mat…let’s go fear, c’mon, show me what you got…let’s go! Can I recognize all its insidious ways, those elusive feelings and thoughts; can I catch them with my butterfly net?

Keep moving through the fear, call it by name! Stay committed to unveiling the fear…

Its time to jump into the ring of fire—why not? I mean why not stay stuck like most others?

Well, for me I have a simple answer.

I want to live my dreams, reach my goals of true love, happiness and peace…not goals others set for me, but the ones that come from my heart and soul. The dreams which allow me to soar and be fulfilled…otherwise, I just drag along this “Facade or part of me which feels like it’s all too difficult. The empty shell who asks isn’t there a good show on TV to watch or someone’s else’s drama I can insert myself into so I don’t have to commit to this happiness?”

I don’t want to settle…and neither do the people who come to me as clients, we all want the full LIFE experience.

My favorite saying has been for years; “Wherever I go, there I am”.  So no matter what distraction I get stuck on or what groovy move I think will lead to a new me…I just bring the same ol’ me with me if I am not aware.

Where I go is unknown, I just know I can’t stay here on this journey within…sooooo…. where are those fears? Let me at em’!!!

I will embrace my fears- all that I feel and see go by as an old movie, leaving me raw yet at a place to begin again in peace? Yes.

As I conclude this post, I have made a new decision. I am making a promise to myself; I will do what is within my power now to pay close attention to my impulses, instincts, and desires to recognize my fear big or small. As I recognize it, I will actively record it mentally or on paper. I will be diligent and go through the fear…. walk right into the fire…and take a new course of action immediately!

That would be a different choice, wouldn’t it?

 

A Good Day!

I decided early in the morning yesterday, I would declare it a “Good Day”!

How many ways can a day show up as “good”? I guess it depends on how many ways I allow it.

Yesterday, the only expectation was good.

I was not attached to a specific outcome to have my 16 hours awarded as “good”.

Good is subjective; being open to it and aware of even the smallest goodness… makes a difference.

The day started with me on the elliptical at the crack of dawn. At first it was filled with bodies; “no personal space” (I like when I’m on the end machine and no one comes to the one next to me) and about 10 minutes later freedom!

And then I spoke too soon.

In the empty gym, someone decided that they would choose the one right next to me. And my ongoing saga of personal space in a gym continues…. as I find the humor in myself.

Later in the morning, I met a woman who trained as a coach, and has worked with several coaches in the past. She wants to be a resource for sending me referrals.

There was definitely synchronicity involved in our inspired meeting.

The day was good as it went on, nothing out of the ordinary like a pot of gold on my doorstep, but the surprises were welcome.

When I came to the office at Que Linda there was lovely energy and lunch waiting for me…unexpected and good.

As the day went on, an old client came in to find a book for the next leg of his journey. He seemed like a completely different person in perspective and the lightness in how he carried himself.

I love seeing people grow and become more content as they discover who they are and own it.

In the later afternoon, I provided a reading for a young woman who is about to go to India for 6 months. It was spur of the moment and as usual provides me with a perspective and connection.  And I was able to provide her with insight, and peace to the anxiety she had about taking the leap into the unknown.

My clairvoyant readings have become quite astounding in terms of what information I receive and offer to a client. Always emotional, tears and laughter, but people feel at peace and fulfilled. My ability to pick up energy of those who have passed on has also grown, although that was never an intention for me.

On another note, having to do with my “good” day; I have been inspired recently to paint.

I have always expressed myself creatively in the past. I had my own company years ago, which provided marketing and graphic design. Painting and sculpture on the other hand, were more of a private passion rather than something I share with others.

Over the week-end, I had shown a client a picture of one of my paintings.

She is an artist who has sold some of her own beautiful watercolor artwork in a variety of formats. (And through the work we are doing together is now inspired to do it again towards a “leap of faith” in where she wants to go with her life.)

She loved my art! Wow! I was blown away, it was like the Red Sea parted and a miracle took place!

In a sense it had, but it happened when I decided to take my parachute off weeks ago; when I decided to go full board into investing in just me and my endeavors for my business.

Not only that everyone I showed the picture of my painting to had the same response, but another person I know believes she has a buyer for this painting! Yes!!! 

I have allowed creativity 24/7. When I chose me; I chose fulfillment, success and happiness!

My creativity is fluid and a constant flow I am no longer choosing to stifle it in any part of my life.

My clients also benefit as they see my life opening in such fantastic ways.

Truly I am blessed as I write my book, blog, bring new clients into my coaching practice, learn web design, paint, contribute my marketing skills to the location I have my office and open to all sorts of possibilities personally.

My segue away from the events of yesterday was to illustrate how I ended my day yesterday.

I spent the evening, painting; when I look at my paintings, I have a different perspective. I see the value and the beauty. Just like when I look inside of myself.

I hope you had a good day too.

I would love to hear about your days.  Please write.  Have a “good” day!

The Gift of Acceptance

Acceptance is a great word.

You can accept a gift, a favor, an idea, kindness, etc…

And you can accept everything as it is.

It doesn’t mean settling.

It means taking a breath for a moment, a day or a lifetime.

Just stopping activity to take a visual or mental survey, a snapshot of everything in your life right now and saying “this is what it looks like”.

You accept the picture.

That is all it is.  Once a picture is taken with your camera, that moment is frozen in time.

You can’t fight a “picture”.  You may not have a fondness for the picture, but it is the reality of the moment.

I take a moment to breathe in the midst of a struggle of wanting circumstances to be different and realize nothing is struggling against me  (unless of course you’re in a barroom brawl or any other sort of physical fight or flight).

I realize its my thoughts I’m struggling with as though each viewpoint was down and dirty with me wrestling in the mud.

When I stop and take the picture by first noticing my surroundings, what I am actually doing in the moment and what I am feeling; I notice the release of all my muscles.  It is like a wave of calm starts to take over.

I start to feel that peace in my core grow.

And magically, all is well.

The beauty of accepting everything as is, opens you up to the change.

You are now relaxed and not focused on filling the space with struggle.  You see how all that energy going into wanting to force your resolve or beat yourself up is energy you can spend elsewhere.

Your mind is NOW not “against” anyone or anything.

It allows creativity to be born.

Without all the focus, obsessing, strategizing, etc… A solution naturally comes to you.

Sometimes the solution is to do nothing, all that needs to be done, has been done. All you can do is accept. It releases you and wow, isn’t great to find something else to focus on that may inspire you?

And at other times through acceptance, you have opened a window of inspiration.

Acceptance is also about our emotions, our mistakes, and anything else we can’t accept.

The same applies here.

Take a snapshot of your internal nature; is there a thunderstorm or sunshine?

Are you ruminating over something that didn’t work out and you think you could’ve done something differently?

Or maybe you’re angry at someone or yourself and you feel bad for being angry?

Whatever the feelings you have are at any given moment, once you lay down your mental weapons and accept—it changes.

If you are in the midst of arguing, or even about to indulge in a tasty treat or concocting a great story to get your way. Stop for a moment. Say “hello” to your feelings and let them be…. don’t try to force yourself into thinking or feeling a certain way. When you see what is driving you to get your way or do what you want or you just feel bad it is helpful to just stop, take a picture and relax.

Accept how you feel and once again watch how you shift.  

And watch what happens when you resume your activity.

Once you have given awareness and acceptance to your feelings it opens you up to moving out of habitual ways of being. True change can now happen.

I do this daily, especially whenever I realize I’m tense and disconnected from myself, because I’m so in my head wanting things to be different.

And I find that everything that looked impossible has now become possible.

I would love to hear from anyone who practices acceptance in their daily life and for those interested in starting to practice it; please share your experiences.

And the day came….

For me to “gently” rip the band-aid off my scab.

What was underneath this old symbol of denial?

My un-lived life; the pain I buried deep within me, things I didn’t want to look at because then I may have to take action and confront myself.

Seemed scary, but when you are settling in your relationships…there either comes a day that you will deal with “you” or a day that has God/Universe come knocking on your door.

Either way, whether you decide to take initiative with your sore spots and uncover the root of your pain or something happens in your life, which creates a crisis making it impossible for you to ignore ….it waits for you.

Of course, the daily general unease you deny and try to stuff in a compartment is always ready to be dealt with, it is just a matter of “when”.

One day those boxes will come flying off the shelf. 

One day your anxiety, those off-kilter responses you have to small things, those deeply hidden memories of pain come to greet you at the door.

You may try an escape hatch. 

You will choose to try to medicate or deal. A cigarette, a bottle of wine, an addiction, maybe running 20 miles or taking yoga twice daily….

Those activities and others can keep your boxes neatly compartmentalized for awhile, but it is an auto-pilot life.

Or it is time to deal; a part of me I’m refusing to admit, see or open up to and I dig into the scab to reveal the wound.

What is the wound?

A story from long ago, kept alive thru patterns of behavior.

I’m not one to invest in my story any longer.

It is sort of a creepy crawler though, one that runs my life without me being aware….as in not being able to see why I say or do the things I do in my life, until I discard the scab.

One day I realized I kept ripping off the same scab!

I’d dig deeper yet. I’d re-visited my stories so many times, most no longer live wires, but yet, still “active”.

It isn’t the story of my being a victim, which I don’t buy into at all. It is how it initialized certain beliefs I have about myself. And how entrenched I’ve been in seeing myself and the world thru this cock-eyed view, which is not true. 

When we’re young, we’re vulnerable.

We get hurt.

Inside our home and outside of our home. 

Smart human beings that we are we develop strategies to protect ourselves from that “hurt”, we try to fit in, slip under the radar, hope no one notices we’re different or that “thing”, that thing, which had gotten us in trouble and hurt us; ranging from abuse, teasing, watching others’ punishment, abandonment, unloved, not liked, being excluded for a multitude of reasons and the cost is…

We re-create this scenario for the rest of our lives, if we’re not aware.  

When I work with people, there is a common thread; a belief they have and can’t see until they start sharing details of their lives with me. I start to see the common thread as they speak, previously invisible to the individual. I see it and ask them about it, in turn an epiphany happens. A handy tool…something has been reflected back to this person in clarity, now there is a choice to continue the belief or take action.

I’m all about action.

Time is wasted in the head thinking about it- just do it and see what happens!

The last time I pulled off the scab, I walked with myself now and as the younger child version of me…

Seeing clearly “why” I chose to believe things like I was unlovable; something was wrong with me…. finding myself alone it protected me from the world….

And yet, who was I to the world? Who was in my relationships?  

I was the person to carry everything on my back, believing I wasn’t worthy for someone to step in and do things for me;, to really be there.

I was the shoulder to lean on, the perfect nurturer, I felt I had to work at being loved and this wasn’t just in my past marriage, but the intimate relationships which came afterwards. It showed up in other personal and professional relationships too.

Wasn’t I enough? Or at some junctures, I was told I was too much. I tried to mold myself into what I thought I needed to be to be loved and not alone.

Bad strategy.

And then I’d tell myself I was okay alone, as I ran and hid.

I know how to do “alone” well.

Is that where I wanted to live? No.

And that is what I did as a kid; I emotionally and physically hid from my family. I never felt emotionally safe or protected. I didn’t feel loved for who I was, just as “me”.

I was never intimidated by anyone; I had to be my own protector.

I was raised with a workaholic father who didn’t protect me, give any real attention… or gave the impression I was anything special; he was highly critical and held me accountable for everything. And it is only a perception.

The perception of a kid.

My Dad has apologized over the years for giving me an image of myself that wasn’t true. He didn’t mean to do it, based on his own childhood, he was doing the best he could.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, first for yourself and then another. Sometimes it comes in bits and pieces.

I had to take different action in my relationships, stand when I wanted to run, speak when I wanted to stay quiet, create waves when the water was smooth and truly risk when I wanted to play it safe, because I might lose a very important person.

It wasn’t an overnight success, living from this place of “possibility”. It has taken a long time and there are still days like yesterday, when I peel off the scab.

I share this “story”, because these types of thoughts and beliefs in our memory bank impact us! And who we believe we are from these experiences, is NOT who YOU truly are…

Who you truly are may yet to be discovered, what do YOU like? What makes you feel passionate, creativity, excitement, happy?

What do you like to wear, eat and REALLY do with your time? What is really the truth of a situation for YOU (not the other person), can you try to speak it and not run or clam up?

Opening up to yourself is the greatest gift you will ever receive!

Be kind to yourself wherever you are and know we are all doing the best we can with how we see ourselves and the world.