The Reward Is Shame In Our Relationships?


In our work hard, get a reward later society, many of us bring that to our relationships too.

Especially, those who were raised by emotionally unavailable people.

We think we have to do so much, to get so little. Waiting for pleasure, even saying no to pleasure; we don’t feel we deserve it. There’s often shame where pleasure could take hold.

“I must do more, be more, have more, succeed more and so on.”

This mantra is mainly subconscious, but sometimes it’s conscious. It’s what directs us in our next step. Do we go about it the hard way, like we always do, so we ensure feeling a degree of shame until we accomplish the ‘ideal’ relationship, or life?

We hear the voices of others in our heads telling us what we deserve based on their perception; it says nothing to what we really desire.

A mountain to climb, a valley to dig ourselves out of, choosing people who will force us (just by the dance they do unconsciously too) into the state of mind we say we don’t want, which in turn affects the choices we make, in what we think limits us, as we wait for the reward of being good. Perfect.

Pointing the finger, accusing the other person, or blaming circumstances keeps us stuck.

Losing ourselves in rules guaranteed for us to not receive, we become the martyr (to give our undeserving selves or shame a label). Martyrdom gives us illusive control in a relationship. It keeps us defeated, and working against our pleasure, rather than embracing it.

We picture the reward dangled in front of us, we chase it, trying to extract pleasure from pain, and it’s never the grand payoff; it lacks fulfillment.

Isn’t fulfillment the key to feeling good? Happy?

The sacrifice of self for any reward outside of us isn’t pleasure… it’s pain, filling us with misdirected anger.

Waiting for pleasure from someone else and not giving to ourselves is a sacrifice; we feel shame, because in our minds, we’re not good enough; as we twist and turn to get what we want, but never do.

We have to believe that we deserve pleasure and give it to ourselves. This is so foreign to some of us, but in essence we’re starving and it’s human to want more.

Giving to other people doesn’t mean they give back. We don’t teach people how to treat us, when our underlying current is “you’re disappointing me, unless you give what I want.”

Teaching people how to treat us is not based on telling them or how we treat them, it’s to give to ourselves first and revel in our own pleasure.

Shame has no place in bringing us what we want for ourselves. Ever. Especially in relationships.

I remember feeling shame when told, that perhaps, when my life or my business or my job or whatever it was at the time, became successful, then I’d be rewarded with what I desired.

Hearing this, I felt not good enough, but at the time….I’d no discernment and believed I was being punished.

I didn’t realize I could do something to change it.

Shame doesn’t need to be a part of how we feel in our relationships (or lack of one). There’s no reward at the end of the journey, it’s being present for the daily journey, allowing pleasure that’s always available.

How do we toss shame out and allow pleasure in and out of our relationships?

1. Recognize every moment that shame threatens to take over, remember: it serves no purpose, except to make you feel invisible or unworthy of what you really want.

2. If your mate criticizes, or uses language meant to demean you…ask yourself what is true about what they’re saying, then accept whatever kernel it is and LOVE it. Discard the rest.

3. Open your eyes, take the focus off what you usually see and bring in your surroundings…smiling is that simple. Good is present at all times, get used to seeing it.

4. Connect with other people who support you, no matter what you don’t possess.

5. Mistakes are inevitable, shame will keep you repeating the same one, because you’ll be too afraid to step out and risk…so remember: when each time it happens, purposely continue to choose what you really want.

6. Relax when you start to feel uptight by actually looking at…is the problem imaginary, or happening right now….and if it is not, learn to release it.

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

I Love Me Written inside a Heart Drawn in Sand

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

“I open my mind and heart to the miracles of self-love.”

Guest Post By

Michelle Mullady

What does it mean to love yourself? To do kind comforting things for and to yourself? Is it making time to get a massage, having lunch with a dear friend, or buying yourself a new dress? Yes, sometimes. But true self-love is much more profound than that. Cultivating self-love and compassion for yourself means loving and embracing all that you are today ─ your thoughts, feelings, beauty, your age, mistakes, flaws, and imperfections, your power, sense of humor, intelligence, as well as your unique and different way of viewing the world around you.

Deeply loving yourself means not only accepting, but really adoring, each and every part of you, the entire package as a whole, and knowing at your core that you’re valuable, important to the Divine Plan, deserving of great good, and lovable. It means being your best friend when life is going your way, as well as during those challenging and difficult times when it isn’t as you would like it to be. Really loving yourself means that you stand by and up for yourself if that is what you need to do.

For many years I lived with a shielded heart. My patterns of self-hatred began long ago in my abusive childhood. There came a time in my healing journey when I simply could no longer consent to endure my lack of self-love. I had talked about self-love. I read books about the topic and went to workshops. I fed myself daily positive affirmations that I loved myself while looking in a mirror. It sounded good, but it still wasn’t ringing true deep within me. I couldn’t feel the words I was telling myself and my life still wasn’t fully reflecting back to me these new beliefs. I realized then that I had to actually begin practicing the art of self-love. It was time to start loving myself the way I desperately wanted others to love me. This became the next step on my path.

To live in a harmonious way, one where love is given and received in balance, loving yourself isn’t an elective along your journey. It’s a main course in Awakening 101. In order to tune in and listen to the whispers of your heart that let you know where you’re being guided … to be present for your thoughts so you can comprehend what you really believe … to honor and live with an open heart center with full awareness of your oneness with Spirit … you must first put into practice love for yourself.

Have you let yourself down? Do you reject aspects of who you are? Do you hide behind a mask fearful of revealing your authenticity? Let yourself see the truth, feel if that’s correct. Then, do whatever you can to begin to fully learn to experience love for yourself exactly where you’re at right now.

Learn to value how you show up and the way you deal with things. Love your one of a kind way of stretching, expanding and evolving as a spiritual being having a human experience. Love where you’ve been and what you’ve done. Forgive yourself if you made a lot of mistakes during the process of waking up. Even God can’t change your past, but with Divine help you can create a better future. One that is filled with light and love for yourself and others.

Love your present moments. Love how you look, what you think and feel. Love every detail of the body temple you chose for this lifetime’s adventures. Love the break lines in your heart and the radiance that flows forth from the river of wisdom that came to be because of the history around those cracks. Love your errors, and love all the good that you’ve delivered to the world. Love it all, beautiful soul. Love all of your sweet self.

Begin your day with this simple prayer for Divine Love:

Sit in your sacred space, focus gently upon your breathing. Breathing in and out fully and deeply several times to bring about a state of tranquility within your mind and body. Then, surround and protect yourself with the magical pink light of the universe. Place your hands across your heart center and begin to feel the energy held within. Visualize this radiant rose-colored love filling up your entire being as you recite this blessing.

Dear God and Beloved Angels,

May love enter my life and fill my heart and soul. May the magic of love continually inspire me to radiate warmth and caring to myself and all those who touch my life.



Michelle Mullady

Copyright Michelle Mullady 2015


MICHELLE MULLADY is a Joyful Living Mentor, International Best-Selling Author, Master Energy Intuitive, Michelle photoSpiritual Guide, and Transformational Healing Workshop Leader who specializes in helping adults and adolescents to create healthy and fulfilling lives through life coaching, intuitive direction, angelic communication, breathwork, simple guided meditation practices, affirmations, prayer, and energy work.

Working with the unconditional love and light of the Creator and the angels, Michelle can support you to enhance every area of your life — relationships, health, finances, intimacy, career, and spiritual growth — all while living one day at a time in a busy world. To learn more, visit, or call 210-501-9582.

It’s Tiring To Write People Off…


I get tired of people writing other people off.

I listen as they speak volumes on the negative qualities possessed by the person who apparently tortures them.

Why can’t he or she act right?

If he or she would just do the right thing, then everything would be okay!

As though this is somehow a solution to anything. We may get to a point where we write them off, as just badly damaged, beyond repair or broken…and I say, “Why do we speak of people as though they are a non-functioning old TV set?”

Who are we to place the responsibility of any situation entirely on the shoulders of someone who has clearly shown they’re not capable of carrying the world on their shoulders?

Did we select them? Did they choose to be responsible for our happiness? Our success? Our anything?

How does one go about making sure they are chosen for the job of most shamed?

And on the other side of the coin, we don’t want our issues resolved, because then we’d have to take responsibility.

Could it be that…

We want to be disappointed.

We want to be victimized, we like having no power–so then there is nothing, which happens, which is our fault.

Our issues have nothing to do with anybody, but ourselves.

We are our own issue.

And every single person has value. Even people who we keep trying to devalue, blame and place responsibility for things falling apart onto….it has to be someone’s fault, right?

When it comes to people who seem to consistently disappoint, it’s really a matter of how they see their own value.

How they see themselves may be skewed–so they don’t see their truth, and instead, act in ways to support their belief that they’re unworthy, et al.  Often, we see these as the people we want to write off, because of their inconsistency, withdrawal, laziness, stonewalling or any sort of negative mood or attitude that pushes other people away.

I know, because I’ve been that person. I’ve also been on the receiving end of it. Most people who show up that way, are not horrible people (excluding abusive individuals).

They want love as much as the next person.

They may lack the awareness about their core belief in believing they deserve love,  goodness and acceptance. They just stand in their own way.

Can we fix them?

Convince them?

Give them self-help reading materials?

Paint an arrow on the road, leading this way?

No. Not really.

First, all any of us can do, is to take care of ourselves.

Second, if someone wants to open up and recognize their value, it’s not an overnight thing. It wasn’t for me or anyone else I know who believed they were unworthy of love. I had to stop setting up the situations, which would leave me abandoned or feeling bad, so that the crappy belief I had about myself was proven true.

It takes a lot of awareness and actively getting uncomfortable by taking action, which we’d normally never take in a ‘given’ situation.

Third, it’s really about taking emotional risks, which create an emotional experience (which is the language of our subconscious) to change lives. It’s their choice, not ours.

Many of us feel like we’re not good enough. Our actions support it–think about when we feel bad–do we withdraw? Act in an off-putting way?  So, it’s the same for others too.

If we make someone else’s actions about us, then we’ve become a victim….we want something from them to make up for what we feel they ‘did’ to us.

An apology or acknowledgement or something to say they screwed up, they’re mean, etc…and while we ‘wait’ in resentment, because they have our power until they give us back what we think is missing…all it shows is we aren’t taking care of ourselves.

We may get so pissed off, we want to write that person off. We build a case against them; we tell stories of their savagery–gaining sympathy for our victimized state and in the end, if we have enough ammunition and kick this person to the curb…what did we win?

We still haven’t resolved our original issue.

The one we’re avoiding by blaming someone else for our problems, or focusing on why they show up the way they do….or anything we give our power to showing us how little we value ourselves.

Next time you want to write someone off, ask what “you’re” taking personally, that they do.

Find out why you are there, what did you allow when you should’ve had boundaries and what are you trying to get? What validation do you think you need?

Keep asking yourself questions and when you have clarity–start admitting YOUR truth to yourself and then others…it is freeing and it will stop you from wondering if you should write people off.


Because, your focus will shift to your happiness, and making choices for yourself for your fulfillment.

Want to feel like a Winner? Stop Competing.


In my early twenties, my career was in sales.

I hated the thought of it, cuz my warped idea of sales was like a used-car salesman: fake and conning people into something they didn’t want. 

In sales, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing! My entire focus was on getting through a call or dealing with rejection, so the thought of competition with others was a foreign concept.

I intuitively knew back then, competing with others never brings us fulfilling success.

We may temporarily feel like the king or queen of the mountain, when we win, but it quickly fades. We need something else to fulfill the ego, the emptiness and tell us we’re okay.

In sales and later sales management, my focus was never on the competition.

It wasn’t because I was without ego, it was because I was competing with myself to be MY best.

Whenever someone complemented my ability to bring in clients from cold calls or land accounts that those around me deemed impossible….I didn’t feel good, I’d become afraid.

My first thought: “How will I sustain this? I will surely fail.”

My fear was letting ME down, because someone had recognized I did something well. I was so afraid of future criticism about failing, it spurred me for years!

I never felt like a winner.

I landed large accounts and would do the impossible, all while blocking out what others in my business would do…no comparing, no topping, no nothing….the thought of looking at someone else’s techniques or copying their way of selling, overwhelmed me. It just seemed to make it harder. 

When I got into coaching, it was accidental (which is a story for another day)…and my classmates there, said I had a natural talent for it! That scared me! Oh shit, now I had crazy-ass expectations of me.

Whenever we compare….whether it’s to ourselves and our own expectations… or to another….we take our joy away. The last thing we’ll feel like is a winner in the long run. Instead, we’ll find more ways to believe we must keep up, copy someone else or beat them up (and ourselves in the process).

Intuitively, I went within, I didn’t look at anyone else. I incorporated my psychic work into my coaching….and for a long time I had no website, it was all in-person. When I started to invest in marketing myself, I looked at the competition and that feeling of overwhelm returned.

Everyone else looked so successful and I had nothing to COMPARE TO…LOL, NOTHING!

It made me GULP; I started comparing what they did and what I did. The horrible expectations and comparisons I already had going on inside me, were let loose!

What did I find in this comparison hell? Nothing, but… pain.

How did I figure a WINNING solution? How did I shut up the critic in my head?

1. I went cold turkey, no paying attention to what everyone else was doing.

It never feels good. It’s never fulfilling. It feels like shit and besides that, if there was a true formula for success, wouldn’t we all be able to do an exact copy and re-create the success?

2. Focused on my joy.

Whether I succeed or fail externally had to be put aside, when that’s the focus we’re strung out, stressed out and criticizing the crap out of our every move. Re-focus on what allows passionate engagement.

3. Believing in my own way of success.

Trusting the intuitive rather than playing ping pong in my head, means being more in the moment and engaged daily in what I do. Creating by taking action and not focusing on it’s success, will naturally lead us toward success or realizing we need to change something.

4. Kindness

I’m human, we all are…being kind to ourselves as we smack into our limited thinking, fears and other crap, not to mention external obstacles FEELS WAY BETTER than mentally beating ourselves up. Shit will happen….the best we can do is not personalize and keep doing number 2.

Need more help with it, contact me to develop your own winning way of living!

Letters to a Genie in a Bottle

One of my clients recently shared something with me in regard to having faith for herself. She told me of a little habit she has developed. Writing questions to her higher self (or whatever it is that would work for you) and then writing the answers she receives. She believes the answers do not come from her, because the resulting advice isn’t anything she would ever say.

I thought about this for a bit.

I often ask questions of a higher power while on my daily walks. I hope to acquire answers through my senses; hearing, seeing or even receiving an amazing epiphany. I had not tried her technique of writing questions to receive answers. Although, I know Neale Donald Walsch who wrote “Conversations with God”, used this type of Q&A session as the basis for his book.

I have used writing for a variety of endeavors. I have spent time writing intentions as stories with many nuanced feelings and imagery that are heart-based. I find the intentions that are from my heart, actually appear at a much quicker rate then the ones I “think” about wanting in my life. Seems what the heart knows and desires, the heart receives…maybe in a different picture, but it is fulfilled.

I decided I would try out my client’s method of talking to my higher power. I thought I would start simple. I asked, “Can we expect world peace anytime soon?” (C’mon they ask beauty pageant finalists a similar question-how difficult could it be???) The answer: “It lies within humankind to recognize each individual as unique and to accept. Once we accept our brother, sister and self, we are on the road to peace. Acceptance not eradication. Acceptance through fear. Acceptance joined with love of the self and others. Acceptance of every dark quality within every cell of your being will bring the world to a place of peace.”

I thought about it for a minute. This really did not answer my question. I asked if we could expect peace any time soon and I didn’t get a “yes” or “no”. And the answer I received was very similar to something I would state…. so I had to take this a bit more seriously to possibly produce better results.

And so I tried a few personal questions. I could not differentiate between my brain and messages outside of me. It seemed like it all sounded the same. Sigh. What type of question would yield an answer that I could be SURE was not coming from me?

The closest I came to any sort of halfway real answer is this one: “What will happen in relation to my work this week? You will have a very busy week, many things will take place that are unexpected and make you believe that you are in alignment with your goals.” Now if this transpires this week; I may have to believe all the answers I received to my questions.

I thought it may be the quality of these questions. Though, for the purpose of this exercise, I wanted to ask very general requests of the intelligent life force that I have seen perform miracles. And then it dawned on me. Keep it simple. What is in my heart, not my head? Just like I said before I started writing the questions.

Questions from the mind aren’t going to be satisfied with the answers, no matter what is stated. Heart questions are always sated, because most of the time, the heart already knows the answer.

Heart questions are not attached to a specific person, place or thing. It is concerned with well-being. The final answer should provide a sense of well-being.

I also realized that my way of asking for fulfillment of my requests each morning on my walk, elicited answers all day long. Maybe not how I envisioned, but when I allowed my perception to widen in accepting an answer, I very often end up feeling giddy with delight as I recognize the Universe providing for me.

I had recently found the more aware I am throughout the day of what takes place in and around me, the quicker results happen in my life. I feel like I am in a flow not forcing or pushing my agenda. It is way more creative to watch how the Universe provides exactly what you asked in ways so far beyond what you had imagined; it is actually mind-blowing.

Personally, I rather enjoy all these little surprises. I feel expansive, not limited and it has given me opportunities that I may not have noticed in the past while I focused on “how it had to be”….not that I have let go completely of my picture, but I have definitely widened the lens for fulfillment.

Healthy in The Heart

I have come to the conclusion that emotionally, I am pretty healthy, happy and content. And I wanted to share a bit about my journey with changing beliefs.

I’ve made that statement at various times in my life, but it was more an intellectual disclaimer in the past rather than a true sense of well-being. 

I can remember when I started going to therapy during my divorce. When I look back it was an intellectual pursuit.

I intellectually knew what was expected, but emotionally, a very large wall of numbness and vagueness separated me from how I was operating in my life. There was no connection between the two. My therapist became like a mother to me; she and I developed a friendship. She felt I was one of her kids. We stayed in contact until she died of cancer eight years ago.

She believed I was emotionally, okay. We never once looked at my patterns or beliefs that kept me stuck in un-gratifying relationships and situations. I had no idea about this until I met another therapist, on my first visit she told me I was too evolved and didn’t know if she could help me.

Yep! I am one smart cookie!

I knew exactly what to say, so in effect I was canceling out any opportunity for legitimate help. She tried a couple of CBT exercises, but since I still had no awareness that it was my beliefs and patterns keeping me stuck, we parted ways as friends too.

The process of working with transformative materials, coaches, mentors and my training came along when I was ready to open the door to clarity with my emotions. I was ready to sit with pain, understand why I believed what I do and take action with different choices in the present.

I am legitimately positive about my life and where it is going “most of the time”. It comes through small realizations each day. Mostly, it is my clarity in what I believe I deserve for myself.

I still have off days and off moments; I am human and when things seem to be stuck resembling past moments or not moving in a direction I want; I can throw a pity party with the best of em’.

We all make choices and how we decide to show up in our lives, is a choice. How we treat people, including our self, is a choice. I listen to people speak as though they have been possessed emotionally by something beyond their control when it comes to how they handle life, they don’t realize they have a choice. I used to be in this category too. And any time I find myself swept up in an emotion, I can be assured its roots are in my past.

We ALWAYS have the chance to not sabotage our dreams, if we stop and look at the choices we are making right now.

What is the “thought” behind the choice? Most people are not even aware of why they make these choices; they are lead by a feeling or an old experience (we can call it auto-pilot) when making choices in the present.

We always have the opportunity to make a different choice, one that leads to fulfillment. Emotionally committing to fulfillment is a “both feet in” sort of thing.

I have made the choice to hold my breath as I plunge into the deep end, swimming that channel toward fulfillment, daily.  And when I come up for air, I realize the value and well-being I possess grow stronger as I become more vulnerable and take risks.

Well-being isn’t showing up saying, “I only think positive thoughts.” That is not healthy, because it is not true. We think all sorts of thoughts; it is whether we follow any of our thoughts with action, positive or negative.

I embrace having healthy people in my life.  It doesn’t mean our relationship is problem free; it means there is a sense of showing up, care through words/actions and fulfillment. Fence sitting is not an option.  If someone shows up or is into me, its clear. When it’s vague, it doesn’t support my happiness and needs, it does not fulfill me at all. I am all about people who are committed to their happiness and mine, whether they are a friend or mate.

This comes after having believed for a long time that my needs being ignored was okay. I felt I deserved to be punished for some long ago misdeed. I beat myself up over the failure of my marriage. I created various situations, which reflected what a horrible person I really felt I was for not sticking around.  I don’t believe this anymore; I recognize the biggest cost in being stuck emotionally was my own love and my happiness; it feels good to have found courage to not be stuck in the quicksand of my own misery.

I used to believe I was needy or pushy by asking or wanting fulfillment in a relationship. I was not needy or pushy; I was just fulfilling a belief that I was undeserving and not worthy. I unconsciously sought out people who felt this way about themselves, so I could re-confirm this belief.

Intellectually in the past, like I said, I knew this dynamic was unhealthy. I felt unworthy or undeserving for someone to put effort out from the heart. Now it is quite the opposite.

I thought normal was for someone to withhold from me. I was withheld from as a child and so it “felt” normal to be ignored, live in a push/pull dynamic and made to feel what I wanted was unimportant—it was instead a battleground or tug o’ war.

I no longer feel this is “normal”, which is a miracle. And if anyone endures poor treatment, you should ask yourself “In what ways am I not being kind to myself?”

As we discard old beliefs about ourselves, we shouldn’t be hasty. Often times we need to sit with the dysfunction and take new action, until we reach a point of clarity and resolution. I’ve shared these examples, because I believe many people feel some or all of these limiting beliefs.

If you are interested in learning more on living your life fully and beyond any sort of limitation, email me, I’d be happy to chat!

List of 51 items in a box

I thought it may prove to be an interesting endeavor to see how many things fit in a box.

The following is a list of items we put into boxes. 

Special note** anything living that relates to emotions or happiness, doesn’t belong in a box. Everything with a pulse, which needs to breathe for its very survival, should really never go in a box.

Limitations create the walls and the lid for the box.

From this position, we wake each day with our perspective to live in the present with restraints based on the past. It is the place from where all possibilities, become impossibilities.

A box can show up in our actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, fears, experiences, how we see and perceive events taking place in our lives. It is based on what we believe is true for our existence and we may not even be aware of  its affect. Please note* The contents also include things we hide or want to deny.

Life in a box is with our implicit consent; we stay within this familiar “known” space and allow it to act as a threshold to our daily life. It is the restriction of our dreams.

Sounds like a party in a box? Let’s bust the lid off some of these boxes! And then we’ll be OPEN and READY for Monday’s list of 60 items living and breathing in MY HEART (see bottom of post for more info).

51 things “off the top of my head” that go in a box:

  1. Hats
  2. Donuts
  3. Heartfelt emotions-about any subject where we are different or threatened.
  4. Shoes
  5. Caterpillars (waiting for them to become butterflies)
  6. Vulnerability
  7. Our insecurities
  8. Our dreams
  9. Pizza
  10. Love
  11. Fear
  12. Leftovers
  13. Jewelry
  14. Teeth
  15. Chocolate
  16. Grief
  17. You, me and anyone limited by the walls of the box
  18. Gloves
  19. Maps
  20. Anger
  21. Abundance
  22. Car registration
  23.  Matches
  24. Pasta
  25. Pills
  26. Fun (Hmmm, sound familiar “I want fun, but something bad could happen!”)
  27.  Addictions
  28. Dead things
  29. Crayons
  30. Loneliness
  31. Freedom
  32. Trust
  33. Smoked Salmon
  34. Cookies
  35. Crying
  36. Intimacy
  37. Laughter
  38. Passion
  39. Creativity
  40. Ashes
  41. Contents of my garage
  42. Mistakes
  43. Fulfillment
  44. Pencils
  45. Lunch
  46. Optimism
  47. Celebration
  48. True Success
  49. Sadness
  50. Wine
  51. Anxiety

Please feel free to add on to this list, the possibilities, ahem… are unlimited!

Be ready for the list on MONDAY… 60 items in MY HEART. And I will be happy to accept items from the hearts of EVERYONE, so please send em’ my way!! Email me at or leave a comment here or on my FB page

The Gift of Acceptance

Acceptance is a great word.

You can accept a gift, a favor, an idea, kindness, etc…

And you can accept everything as it is.

It doesn’t mean settling.

It means taking a breath for a moment, a day or a lifetime.

Just stopping activity to take a visual or mental survey, a snapshot of everything in your life right now and saying “this is what it looks like”.

You accept the picture.

That is all it is.  Once a picture is taken with your camera, that moment is frozen in time.

You can’t fight a “picture”.  You may not have a fondness for the picture, but it is the reality of the moment.

I take a moment to breathe in the midst of a struggle of wanting circumstances to be different and realize nothing is struggling against me  (unless of course you’re in a barroom brawl or any other sort of physical fight or flight).

I realize its my thoughts I’m struggling with as though each viewpoint was down and dirty with me wrestling in the mud.

When I stop and take the picture by first noticing my surroundings, what I am actually doing in the moment and what I am feeling; I notice the release of all my muscles.  It is like a wave of calm starts to take over.

I start to feel that peace in my core grow.

And magically, all is well.

The beauty of accepting everything as is, opens you up to the change.

You are now relaxed and not focused on filling the space with struggle.  You see how all that energy going into wanting to force your resolve or beat yourself up is energy you can spend elsewhere.

Your mind is NOW not “against” anyone or anything.

It allows creativity to be born.

Without all the focus, obsessing, strategizing, etc… A solution naturally comes to you.

Sometimes the solution is to do nothing, all that needs to be done, has been done. All you can do is accept. It releases you and wow, isn’t great to find something else to focus on that may inspire you?

And at other times through acceptance, you have opened a window of inspiration.

Acceptance is also about our emotions, our mistakes, and anything else we can’t accept.

The same applies here.

Take a snapshot of your internal nature; is there a thunderstorm or sunshine?

Are you ruminating over something that didn’t work out and you think you could’ve done something differently?

Or maybe you’re angry at someone or yourself and you feel bad for being angry?

Whatever the feelings you have are at any given moment, once you lay down your mental weapons and accept—it changes.

If you are in the midst of arguing, or even about to indulge in a tasty treat or concocting a great story to get your way. Stop for a moment. Say “hello” to your feelings and let them be…. don’t try to force yourself into thinking or feeling a certain way. When you see what is driving you to get your way or do what you want or you just feel bad it is helpful to just stop, take a picture and relax.

Accept how you feel and once again watch how you shift.  

And watch what happens when you resume your activity.

Once you have given awareness and acceptance to your feelings it opens you up to moving out of habitual ways of being. True change can now happen.

I do this daily, especially whenever I realize I’m tense and disconnected from myself, because I’m so in my head wanting things to be different.

And I find that everything that looked impossible has now become possible.

I would love to hear from anyone who practices acceptance in their daily life and for those interested in starting to practice it; please share your experiences.

7 Minutes to Love! Courage Baby!

This post is about 7 minutes long; it is packed with information. Please enjoy.

Nothing is ever as it appears.

No “story” is ever true told from one perspective, unless it is from the heart.

You want truth? Listen to your heart, not your head. It will tell you the truth about yourself, your life and others.

Courage (strength of heart) is a quality that is first and foremost on my list of importance in life. In myself, and holding a space for it in others.

I will not settle for cowardice in a mate; courage is that quality you can rely, because it is the only truth directly related to allowing and sustaining love in a partnership. It is the only real indicator that someone is really, really in your corner. The actions are real, not manipulative or punishing; courage stays with you through it all…yet, first you must find courage in yourself to have it in all of your relationships.

I am watching people come into my life now that are desiring and becoming courageous…or are teaching me more about courage.

My relationships not based in love and courage, will continue to naturally fall away; it’s too much sacrifice, disparity and pain when I am moving beyond my own stories that kept me prisoner. It is too difficult to “pretend” and go along with the story, which someone believes is true, allowing them to choose to remain handcuffed to their prison.

You don’t have to cut people loose, walk away or be a jerk. That can be a painful pattern, when you cut people off forcefully (unless its abusive). Instead, allow it to dissipate on its own. How? Take your focus off the person and put it on yourself.

Over and over if you must.

You will feel peace, not cut off and in pain. It takes a bit of reminding yourself, but the more you do it and stop blaming others for not being courageous-the more you will experience well-being.

The evolution of the heart expands and you bring in other like-hearted people. It’s true; I’m watching it happen in my own life.

We all have courage.

We just need awareness of all the excuses or stories we throw in the way, that keep us in inertia (call it a sense of false peace or contentment–its numbness), denial of our heart, compartments where like a drill sergeant we tell ourselves a story-so we buy it and never have to be courageous. Then we share these stories of ourselves with others, trying to convince them that they are true.

It is to live a life half-lived. 

You lose so much more than you gain, AND you tell yourself stories to make it OKAY about what you let go of in your life. So again you take no action, you live in denial . This way of living will never, ever bring you happiness.

Maybe you had courage at one point, but had too many experiences that hurt, disappointed or left you abandon. You closed up shop and called it a day.

Then there are people who stay stuck in this place and seem like they have it all together, and just maybe you’re the crazy one?

They may be such great storytellers, their lives in perfect order; appearances are deceiving too. Once in awhile their facade cracks and some truth from their heart slips out, oops that feels good….oops, I remember feeling like this before, NOW its time to panic. They backtrack, distance and can make another person feels koo-koo!

They come off coldly intellectual. Unfortunately, for them it’s a vicious cycle, until one day all that tight control gives out and the heart breaks through!!  Sometimes it happens. Maybe this person is YOU? Love is greater than fear.

Don’t wait for it in others, allow it in yourself. 

Courage and vulnerability are the only strength that is real in a human.

We all want to be fully seen and loved for who we are; the first step is to allow ourselves. Open to yourself, be vulnerable, have courage and others will see you as you are—dark, light and everything in between.

When you live your truth; it doesn’t matter if others agree, because “it feels right” to you.  You are connected to yourself and others. 

I know how difficult the transition is from being locked-up; believing the heart would lead me wrong or worse yet, LIE. I had closed off certain parts of myself, living in fear where I avoided things that may cause me to crumble into a pile of rubble. This could have been anything from a terse email to a committed relationship.

 And yet, at the time I told myself I was on this spiritual path and that I was just more advanced in my self-awareness! 

I remember the day my heart opened up and said, “This leg of the journey is over- new trip, new path, new map!”

You see, I had been wishing for true happiness, peace and love.

Well if you wish and pray long enough; it happens. BUT, if you are blocked off and think you’re okay, sorry to break it to you; you’re really numb! Be prepared to let go of the familiar walls, the fortress of a perfect facade and watch what courage and love will do–I wouldn’t trade my journey here for anything. Even the days I couldn’t get out of bed or I was writhing on my floor, when all I felt was pain raining down upon me. I knew if I went THROUGH it, the impossible would become possible in my life.

There are some who will never have courage. 

At some point in their lives, in their mind, too many things happened to hurt them, the way they recovered was to build walls, become numb and tell themselves they are self-aware and smarter than the  rest.

They got the system beat!

Some will stay locked in their prison, they may even tell others what is wrong with them.

They may come off as open and easy, until you get too close or the prospect of them possibly getting hurt or overwhelmed by opening their heart is too much for them to handle. Then they act weird. What they said yesterday, no longer holds water. The love they may have professed for you when their heart broke through for an instant, is replaced by a cold demeanor. It is crazy making … and hard to let go of, because the heart knows. The heart knows there is love, but it is thwarted by a wall.

The best gift is to not stop loving and build a wall; it is to keep love alive. Don’t beat it down. Don’t lock it in a box. Turn the love to yourself; be kind. Love freely and love others, I guarantee…somewhere, somehow someone will come into your life and match you there. I promise you will never be alone as long as you embrace love.

This does not mean to outwardly continue investing in pain with another. It is to love them, don’t purposely stop, allow it to change or shift…allow yourself to love.

Be courageous, through love comes resilience- you find you will be stronger to withstand most anything- you will be surprised. Walls ain’t got nothing on wholeness!

Do your best not to take heed of the words, well-meaning people have in telling you to move on, find someone else, tell someone off or to be strong. That is like going into major surgery and having your leg amputated, you are cutting off a part of you when you act in a way, which appears strong to others, but is really another battle with the heart and mind.

Allow it to be natural.

I am saying this from my own experience, once you stop the battle within to FORCE yourself to stop feeling a certain way, life gets easier…you find the “wonder, hopes and dreams” you lost touch with years ago.  Now with your heart leading the way its all possible.

Love is the freedom, the homebase, if you want to live your life in peace, happiness, fulfillment.

The numbness of walls separates; it holds in weakness created by the mind and its untrue story of love and others; it leads to being alone, involvement in activities meant to self-medicate including “supposed healthy” pursuits, anytime you feel cut  off- there’s a wall involved.

Have the courage to sit with it for a minute, see what feeling is below the numbness and you’ll find a low level of pain you call NORMAL. Maybe, you have had it so long, you figure that is your natural state of being. It’s not.

Maybe when you sit with your numbness, your walls, your boxes: you feel another  emotion, you see an image appearing unrelated to the feeling now, from years ago or one that fits your emotion…ask it questions, learn about the pain you hold….ask if its true?

Pain is a story.  It keeps us victims in our own lives. It keeps us repeating patterns of pain without our seeming awareness.

My favorite alternate tall-tale to creating stories in which you are the victim, are the ones in which you appear to have taken all the responsibility. It is the same thing.

It’s a story that remains on a well-known psychological paradigm: the victim triangle is the victim, perpetrator and rescuer.  

Again, anytime you have a story you cling to or are emotional attached to, you are not living full out. When you claim that someone did something to you and you list all of the things you did for this person; you are living in a helpless position.

You are maintaining a victimhood of all that has happened and courage is not part of the picture. Its difficult to recognize; breaking the pattern of living these stories.

Never believe anything that limits, blocks or throws up walls–it is fear; fear is not true.

Embrace who you are and what you know to be true for yourself.

I say these things based on my experience with “myself” and how I lived for many years. The funniest part was I USED TO THINK I was so strong, so did others–people told me this all the time….yet, I  always ran from anything which would have meant opening my heart, having a real commitment, not just to someone else, but to myself. 

I also watch my clients grow and blossom from their hearts-I watch them transform and have more peace, happiness and LOVE in their lives. 

My clients constantly break through to new ground in courage.

They open doors in different areas of their lives…one by one, out of their head and into the safety, contentment and love of their heart.  

If you want to know your greatest purpose, your greatest love, your greatest  happiness and feel whole, resilient and able to touch the stars with your  dreams…you’ll take the first step toward courage…then you will have it all.