Why Lack Matters.

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Ever pay attention to your thoughts and accompanying feelings during your day? Perhaps, hearing certain ones over and over; along with the same feelings, over and over too?

Stick with em’ and really listen to their force, diction and feeling, often there’s lack at the base.

“I can’t do that”

“I can’t have that”

“I am not enough or good enough”

“It’s impossible”

“This is it, there ain’t no more”

And so on.

Noticing the majority of our thoughts as repetitive and imaginably, centered on lack and limitation; it colors our present and future. Reminding us of how we not only don’t deserve more, but apparently life appears to work against us.

In looking back on my life, the events where I felt burdened, heavy, angry and just plain sad–were generated by my thoughts and feelings; it created my perspective. I couldn’t help myself. I remember saying hopeless words to myself while trying to dress up a pile of shit, into a fashion model.

Excuses, blame, and inertia go together. It can fool us into thinking this is it! We’re unable to move toward fulfillment. If “Life is hard” is truth, we create it and should ask, “what am I afraid of having happen?”

Leaving the unfulfilling known hardship, because the known misery is safer than the unknown, is frightening!

Just as the statement “life is great” is only truth, if we create it.

Notice the lack inside of us causes us to focus on lack outside of us; it’s a reflection. But, we don’t see it as a reflection, we see it as a prison.

If you read my posts or listen to my radio show, I speak to the power within us. It’s a disservice buying into the belief(s) around lack, and remaining afraid of doing something different.

Recently, I signed up to work with a business coach; deep inside me I knew two things.

First, unless I did something different my business would always be the same and it scared me; it was a limiting thought, because of where I WANT to go. The second reason was I needed the discomfort of the unknown; not just listening to my coach, but trusting I would enact her words…believing in myself, I could do it!

It took me understanding no one was going to wave a magic wand and my life would change. It had nothing to do with change in others or my outer circumstances. I had to release what was steering my ship toward unnecessary rough waters.

Most of us have an iron grip on our daily routines holding on for dear life; it’s familiar! Wake up, go to work or do yoga or walk the dog or __________, work more, come home, then what?

As much as we state we’re miserable, we can’t give up the confines of our day, by doing something different. Nope, we like to face the same challenges, over and over.

But……What if? We find expansion in life? Possibility? Freedom, excitement, creativity, passion and love?

Moving out of lack, impossibilities or let’s call it what it is….fear, we’re so insignificant, so undeserving and doomed to fail, lose or fall down, by believing our authentic truth….that we stop.

We DO NOT trust ourselves.

I’ve spoken with amazingly creative people and yet, they don’t paint, dance, write or draw.

I’ve spoken with people in dysfunctional relationships (mainly with themselves) and they stay put, afraid of what change will bring.

I’ve spoken with people who say they must sacrifice and yet never arrive–because they only know struggle and sacrifice.

I’ve spoken with people afraid to express what’s deep within them, instead continuing with a life of quiet desperation.

And so on.

Lack parades inside of us with many disguises; making it hard to locate, unless we purposefully listen.

Taking those false thoughts around limitation, getting momentarily uncomfortable and advancing from lack to abundance requires courage. So, the artist picks up his or her brush, the person stuck in dysfunction realizes he or she is never really alone, he or she speaks the impacted words knowing true relief and those who sacrifice realize they can focus not on ‘less’ but more, reflecting their own inner trust.

Don’t let the lack in your head keep you stuck, trust your gut and your joy to move you. If you’d like to discover how ready you are to move into abundance, schedule a complimentary discovery session with me.

 

Power of Being Alone

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Before anyone gets the wrong idea, this isn’t about growing older as an individual with 12 cats, and watching TV for a sole source of entertainment for the rest of anyone’s life!

This is about STOPPING THE SACRIFICE and where our true power lies within us.

I talk to so many people who are stuck in shitty relationships everyday. Did I say, SHITTY? Yep, I did.

The sacrifices people make to stay for crumbs contains no “good enough,” excuse. The problem isn’t in the reasons we give to ourselves or others, it’s the belief we have of what is possible for us and our fears around it.

The following is a short list of what I hear from not just one person, but several; it isn’t an anomaly:

1. Long term relationships (marriage) where sex stopped years ago and it’s a roommate or friendly enough situation, that one can pretend to co-exist in by having enough other distractions available to them to make it bearable. (and if there is a lifestyle to be maintained with or without kids….people will put up with far worse and say its okay)

2. Relationships that are not based on a commitment to each other, although one person is definitely committed (and the other is supposedly torturing them)…and he or she stays committed even after the other person is out of their life.

3. Long term relationships, in which, it is a sexually open one and one person is cool with it while the other has grown a ton of resentment.

4. Being trapped in a relationship, because someone threatens suicide every time their partner thinks of leaving.

5. Living in a fantasy of the current mate suddenly turning into the partner of their dreams.

6. One partner being a parent to the other, so both are stuck in a disempowered and codependent situation. There is a great deal of anger and resentment, which comes as passive aggressive behavior or just passive….or just aggressive.

7. Staying in a relationship that is loveless…..while being in love with someone else.

8. Having some characteristics that are tolerable in a relationship, but fighting with oneself everyday to make those characteristics enough to stay.

9. My personal favorite and one I painfully experienced…the yo-yo relationship, the push/pull, the get close for a moment and be separated for days syndrome. The I love you so much, but can only be with you in limited amounts of time, or my head might explode from the intimacy…or happiness, or “insert word here.”

Again, this is just a short summary of all the ways we keep ourselves stuck in relationships, which are anything BUT based on LOVEThese relationships are about attachment, validation and fears from being alone, or being seen by others as a horrible person, parent or individual. 

Some of these people may fantasize about being alone and at the same time, feel drawn to staying in a loveless situation.

If we want to figure out why they are putting up with such shitty circumstances, all we have to do is look at some of the following:

1. Models–how did our parents (or step-parent) treat each other when we were growing up?

2. How were we treated? Were we not given much emotional connection–were we shown love?

3. Did we swear to do the opposite of how our parents acted in relationships?

4. Did we promise we wouldn’t be like mom or dad and rebelled to the other extreme?

As children we soaked up this knowledge and in most cases, it was not a conscious effort…it was through our subconscious that we learned the rules…just like eating with a fork and a knife. This also means all the things we didn’t want, are enmeshed in our subconscious too, based on the modeling of the adults in our environment.

Many people hope something magical will come along, like another person (or death of the mate) and rescue them. They set a time in the future when they think it will be okay to walk away, except they never do.

Here’s the deal. The power is in being alone when it comes to a choice between having a relationship that is sucking our life energy away, or to choose ourselves. In choosing us, we have the freedom to discover why we were attached, why the other person or relationship held the key to our validation as a person and learn where our most basic fear of abandonment lives to solve the issues.

We can prolong these UNCHANGING situations, but the key is to start getting real. The thoughts we have around being alone and relationships will continue to be the same unless we do something different.

Being alone is not a forever statement. It is a beginning. The power lies in not just the learning of our painful beliefs, but in making decisions that are supportive of who we are, and away from the trajectory of keeping a shitty relationship together.

Sleeping in two separate bedrooms, or together with walls between us is a far worse fate than spreading out on a king size bed alone. There at least is an opportunity for someone to join us someday. And in the meantime, we get to CREATE a super-juicy life experience.

Seriously, whatever we’ve held back from doing while engaged in these relationships is no longer an obstacle, once we find the courage to own our life.

Relationships and the Comfort Zone

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I was speaking with a friend last week.

He has been married for the past 10 years. We had one of those, “let’s catch-up conversations.”

Our talk meandered in the direction of long term marriages in your 40s. He explained to me that the shared belief among he and his friends, is that marriage is about being comfortable.

Sex once a month to perhaps, 5-6 times a year is the norm for them; marriage is not about excitement, or getting along with your spouse, because that requires honest communication. It’s about the comfort of the routine, some companionship, shared childcare and the financial contribution of two working adults.

He then veered onto the subject of a book, which studied human beings in America in past centuries, when life expectancy was much lower. The average couple was together about 10 years, before one of them kicked the bucket. The surviving spouse might get remarried or not, the point is hardly anyone was married for 50-60 years.

What did all this talk about relationships that are comfortable and boring, BUT lack a best friendship, true connection, real lover, supporter, mean to me?

Excuses.

It was all about excuses to remain in his comfort zone.

We can build a HUGE case for what we settle for in this life. We’ll look for others to back our case, books, friends, authorities or whomever that tells us,” it’s okay to be here!”

My friend mentioned a fear he has: the regret that on his dying day, he’s afraid he won’t have truly lived.

It won’t be about the amazing vacation he did or didn’t take, it’ll be about the opportunities for true happiness, love and fulfillment that he chucked to the side. And believe me, he feels a sense of urgency! As he related to me his concern over peers that lately have been passing away, unexpectedly.

It’s still not enough for him to take a risk. He keeps pushing down his true feelings that something is wrong and sticking with his comfort zone.

When we can’t separate our needs from our neediness; we purposely stay in situations, which don’t allow us to shine (It’s not about signs of outward success–remember, we can escape into our work.), because they take all of our energy to just remain and stay the same.

People who fall into this comfort zone in their relationships have the same fears as many of us, but have a BIGGER FEAR of failure than those that take a risk toward true happiness.

We humas beings can be creatures of comfort and habit.

When we have a strong desire for security, leaving behind our familiar routine and relationship may seem tomfoolery.

Not wanting to end up alone or the seeming impossibility of finding someone else to put up with our idiosyncrasies, may seem daunting to some.

Some people stay because they haven’t worked through their limiting beliefs around a relationship. They may remain with someone who treats them badly, because somewhere inside it’s what they believe they deserve.

All reasons mentioned here or not, come back to one common denominator: FEAR.

The comfort zone offers us the same life, day in and day out…..

It keeps us victims of our CHOSEN circumstances.

We stay in our LIMITING stories of who we think we are and what we believe we are capable of….and AGAIN, I don’t mean what looks successful to others. It’s what FEELS and is fulfilling to us that we eschew, when we look to please someone else, even if it’s an invisible entity we look to for approval or to compete.

No one, and I mean no one can unstick us from our emotional commitment to settling.

What we do regularly within a relationship, helps us maintain the zone. Swallowing our truth, not telling our mate the real feelings we experience and walking on eggshells are all part of it….

The biggest obstacle is US.

It’s how we cut ourselves off from knowing our joy, finding our passion, put off connection and effectively kill our dreams. It’s not about winning the race or being the richest when the driver is not from OUR sense of joy; it’s about getting real and getting rid of our own smoke and mirrors.

I’m going to continue writing this week on getting out of our comfort zone step by step in a relationship, so if you’re ready to put your seatbelt on and free yourself to FEEL to experience a sense of giddiness to accomplishing your dreams then stay tuned!

 

 

 

Up close and Personal with my special guest “Fear”

Up close and personal with fear. Just one of many conversations I have had with “fear” as I move toward living in the result of accomplishing my dreams and goals.

Oh tis true fear; how I love thee, let me count thy ways.

I want to know and own all of my fear; name it and go through its tight constricting grip on my Universe of dreams to the other side…to where I’ve never been thanks to fear limiting my world.

Nickname all the fear, which is unclear, that comes to me as fleeting thoughts and making decisions at times without being in the present moment; I want it all unveiled now.

 

Asking myself so many questions, why am I in all of the current situations I find myself? Not to analyze every step mentally, but what is the feeling behind why I am here? What vehicle drove me to this location; on what road did I take? What is the draw, the benefit to my surroundings? What is the cost each day I stay in this place?   Where was I conditioned to think I must overcome or fight this battle and win? What do I win?

Nothing outside of me is really a battle; it is a reflection of my inner world. The battle within, coupled with my inability to stay consistent, because fear is the driver.  What if I take a wrong turn, re-visit an old rest stop or gulp…look weak not strong, stupid not smart or end up vulnerable and used?

The incapacitating feeling it creates; it restricts vulnerability and keeps me trapped…when it is so much easier to show my heart.  That fear “thing”; I must put my toe in the water and be free!

Instead I sometimes draw a line in the sand with my head and close up my heart further…for me I decided awhile back, “the cycle needs to end once and for all”.  And it has been a long journey away from my head and the fears within that small space.

I live in my heart more of the time than I ever did in the past, but it is not enough to allow me to touch the sky. At times, fear still manages to take the wheel and drive without my seeming knowledge or permission.

Today, I feel it. A major change happening within to pull me out of the outworn values and conditioning, self-limiting beliefs I feel restricted by…

Everything outside of me is a symbol; it only has the meaning and power I give to it, which depending on the circumstances remains a variable. A technique I use that partially rescinds fear from stopping me cold… is when I accept where I am emotionally. Not battling myself. I combine that technique with the knowing that I have to make distinct choices, which require different action.

Then I am stuck momentarily.

What are the different options available for a new decision?  Good question.

And as I sit with my circumstances, digging deeper, asking “why”?  I find being with the smallness in me starts to unravel the ties that bind me from my own light. I watch the iron clasps melt away like butterflies newborn on a summer day, as I go into my hell to be purified from the demon within that says “no” I am not worthy.

Its never just one area of my life, I’m the common cord… its all related.

So fear, we’ll start with developing a little consistency and commitment.

To be consistent; how do I treat me like I matter all the time? And in accordance; I seek a mirror, which reflects the consistency of treating myself with kindness and acknowledging my value. I am committed to show up for myself. And even if it is difficult, I will communicate honestly with me, stay committed and be supportive of my mistakes and weakness. This means I can’t run, hide or cut off from myself.

My approach needs mindfulness and awareness.

Even though awareness requires an elevated amount of attention to my inner life, it is much better than wallowing in a high level of discomfort, because I am STUCK.

In the mirror I seek in another human being, I know that whatever they reflect back to me positive or negative, it is what they feel about their own self too.

I want a kind, compassionate, forgiving, loving mirror reflected back to me…

So, I must be a kind compassionate, forgiving, loving being to me first.

How do I change my perception? I dig deeper to unveil the pain that keeps me trapped and makes me fearful.

And sometimes walking through your fear, you may notice it is still foggy yet heavy. And this when I ask the question; what is so old in me that I can’t give or receive from this place? Is it numb?

This is when I stay in this uncomfortable space, hunkered down feeling the heaviness, the fogginess…watching for an answer…where did this fear start and how is it true? (It never is by the way)

Time to REALLY commit, down on the mat…let’s go fear, c’mon, show me what you got…let’s go! Can I recognize all its insidious ways, those elusive feelings and thoughts; can I catch them with my butterfly net?

Keep moving through the fear, call it by name! Stay committed to unveiling the fear…

Its time to jump into the ring of fire—why not? I mean why not stay stuck like most others?

Well, for me I have a simple answer.

I want to live my dreams, reach my goals of true love, happiness and peace…not goals others set for me, but the ones that come from my heart and soul. The dreams which allow me to soar and be fulfilled…otherwise, I just drag along this “Facade or part of me which feels like it’s all too difficult. The empty shell who asks isn’t there a good show on TV to watch or someone’s else’s drama I can insert myself into so I don’t have to commit to this happiness?”

I don’t want to settle…and neither do the people who come to me as clients, we all want the full LIFE experience.

My favorite saying has been for years; “Wherever I go, there I am”.  So no matter what distraction I get stuck on or what groovy move I think will lead to a new me…I just bring the same ol’ me with me if I am not aware.

Where I go is unknown, I just know I can’t stay here on this journey within…sooooo…. where are those fears? Let me at em’!!!

I will embrace my fears- all that I feel and see go by as an old movie, leaving me raw yet at a place to begin again in peace? Yes.

As I conclude this post, I have made a new decision. I am making a promise to myself; I will do what is within my power now to pay close attention to my impulses, instincts, and desires to recognize my fear big or small. As I recognize it, I will actively record it mentally or on paper. I will be diligent and go through the fear…. walk right into the fire…and take a new course of action immediately!

That would be a different choice, wouldn’t it?

 

7 Minutes to Love! Courage Baby!


This post is about 7 minutes long; it is packed with information. Please enjoy.

Nothing is ever as it appears.

No “story” is ever true told from one perspective, unless it is from the heart.

You want truth? Listen to your heart, not your head. It will tell you the truth about yourself, your life and others.

Courage (strength of heart) is a quality that is first and foremost on my list of importance in life. In myself, and holding a space for it in others.

I will not settle for cowardice in a mate; courage is that quality you can rely, because it is the only truth directly related to allowing and sustaining love in a partnership. It is the only real indicator that someone is really, really in your corner. The actions are real, not manipulative or punishing; courage stays with you through it all…yet, first you must find courage in yourself to have it in all of your relationships.

I am watching people come into my life now that are desiring and becoming courageous…or are teaching me more about courage.

My relationships not based in love and courage, will continue to naturally fall away; it’s too much sacrifice, disparity and pain when I am moving beyond my own stories that kept me prisoner. It is too difficult to “pretend” and go along with the story, which someone believes is true, allowing them to choose to remain handcuffed to their prison.

You don’t have to cut people loose, walk away or be a jerk. That can be a painful pattern, when you cut people off forcefully (unless its abusive). Instead, allow it to dissipate on its own. How? Take your focus off the person and put it on yourself.

Over and over if you must.

You will feel peace, not cut off and in pain. It takes a bit of reminding yourself, but the more you do it and stop blaming others for not being courageous-the more you will experience well-being.

The evolution of the heart expands and you bring in other like-hearted people. It’s true; I’m watching it happen in my own life.

We all have courage.

We just need awareness of all the excuses or stories we throw in the way, that keep us in inertia (call it a sense of false peace or contentment–its numbness), denial of our heart, compartments where like a drill sergeant we tell ourselves a story-so we buy it and never have to be courageous. Then we share these stories of ourselves with others, trying to convince them that they are true.

It is to live a life half-lived. 

You lose so much more than you gain, AND you tell yourself stories to make it OKAY about what you let go of in your life. So again you take no action, you live in denial . This way of living will never, ever bring you happiness.

Maybe you had courage at one point, but had too many experiences that hurt, disappointed or left you abandon. You closed up shop and called it a day.

Then there are people who stay stuck in this place and seem like they have it all together, and just maybe you’re the crazy one?

They may be such great storytellers, their lives in perfect order; appearances are deceiving too. Once in awhile their facade cracks and some truth from their heart slips out, oops that feels good….oops, I remember feeling like this before, NOW its time to panic. They backtrack, distance and can make another person feels koo-koo!

They come off coldly intellectual. Unfortunately, for them it’s a vicious cycle, until one day all that tight control gives out and the heart breaks through!!  Sometimes it happens. Maybe this person is YOU? Love is greater than fear.

Don’t wait for it in others, allow it in yourself. 

Courage and vulnerability are the only strength that is real in a human.

We all want to be fully seen and loved for who we are; the first step is to allow ourselves. Open to yourself, be vulnerable, have courage and others will see you as you are—dark, light and everything in between.

When you live your truth; it doesn’t matter if others agree, because “it feels right” to you.  You are connected to yourself and others. 

I know how difficult the transition is from being locked-up; believing the heart would lead me wrong or worse yet, LIE. I had closed off certain parts of myself, living in fear where I avoided things that may cause me to crumble into a pile of rubble. This could have been anything from a terse email to a committed relationship.

 And yet, at the time I told myself I was on this spiritual path and that I was just more advanced in my self-awareness! 

I remember the day my heart opened up and said, “This leg of the journey is over- new trip, new path, new map!”

You see, I had been wishing for true happiness, peace and love.

Well if you wish and pray long enough; it happens. BUT, if you are blocked off and think you’re okay, sorry to break it to you; you’re really numb! Be prepared to let go of the familiar walls, the fortress of a perfect facade and watch what courage and love will do–I wouldn’t trade my journey here for anything. Even the days I couldn’t get out of bed or I was writhing on my floor, when all I felt was pain raining down upon me. I knew if I went THROUGH it, the impossible would become possible in my life.

There are some who will never have courage. 

At some point in their lives, in their mind, too many things happened to hurt them, the way they recovered was to build walls, become numb and tell themselves they are self-aware and smarter than the  rest.

They got the system beat!

Some will stay locked in their prison, they may even tell others what is wrong with them.

They may come off as open and easy, until you get too close or the prospect of them possibly getting hurt or overwhelmed by opening their heart is too much for them to handle. Then they act weird. What they said yesterday, no longer holds water. The love they may have professed for you when their heart broke through for an instant, is replaced by a cold demeanor. It is crazy making … and hard to let go of, because the heart knows. The heart knows there is love, but it is thwarted by a wall.

The best gift is to not stop loving and build a wall; it is to keep love alive. Don’t beat it down. Don’t lock it in a box. Turn the love to yourself; be kind. Love freely and love others, I guarantee…somewhere, somehow someone will come into your life and match you there. I promise you will never be alone as long as you embrace love.

This does not mean to outwardly continue investing in pain with another. It is to love them, don’t purposely stop, allow it to change or shift…allow yourself to love.

Be courageous, through love comes resilience- you find you will be stronger to withstand most anything- you will be surprised. Walls ain’t got nothing on wholeness!

Do your best not to take heed of the words, well-meaning people have in telling you to move on, find someone else, tell someone off or to be strong. That is like going into major surgery and having your leg amputated, you are cutting off a part of you when you act in a way, which appears strong to others, but is really another battle with the heart and mind.

Allow it to be natural.

I am saying this from my own experience, once you stop the battle within to FORCE yourself to stop feeling a certain way, life gets easier…you find the “wonder, hopes and dreams” you lost touch with years ago.  Now with your heart leading the way its all possible.

Love is the freedom, the homebase, if you want to live your life in peace, happiness, fulfillment.

The numbness of walls separates; it holds in weakness created by the mind and its untrue story of love and others; it leads to being alone, involvement in activities meant to self-medicate including “supposed healthy” pursuits, anytime you feel cut  off- there’s a wall involved.

Have the courage to sit with it for a minute, see what feeling is below the numbness and you’ll find a low level of pain you call NORMAL. Maybe, you have had it so long, you figure that is your natural state of being. It’s not.

Maybe when you sit with your numbness, your walls, your boxes: you feel another  emotion, you see an image appearing unrelated to the feeling now, from years ago or one that fits your emotion…ask it questions, learn about the pain you hold….ask if its true?

Pain is a story.  It keeps us victims in our own lives. It keeps us repeating patterns of pain without our seeming awareness.

My favorite alternate tall-tale to creating stories in which you are the victim, are the ones in which you appear to have taken all the responsibility. It is the same thing.

It’s a story that remains on a well-known psychological paradigm: the victim triangle is the victim, perpetrator and rescuer.  

Again, anytime you have a story you cling to or are emotional attached to, you are not living full out. When you claim that someone did something to you and you list all of the things you did for this person; you are living in a helpless position.

You are maintaining a victimhood of all that has happened and courage is not part of the picture. Its difficult to recognize; breaking the pattern of living these stories.

Never believe anything that limits, blocks or throws up walls–it is fear; fear is not true.

Embrace who you are and what you know to be true for yourself.

I say these things based on my experience with “myself” and how I lived for many years. The funniest part was I USED TO THINK I was so strong, so did others–people told me this all the time….yet, I  always ran from anything which would have meant opening my heart, having a real commitment, not just to someone else, but to myself. 

I also watch my clients grow and blossom from their hearts-I watch them transform and have more peace, happiness and LOVE in their lives. 

My clients constantly break through to new ground in courage.

They open doors in different areas of their lives…one by one, out of their head and into the safety, contentment and love of their heart.  

If you want to know your greatest purpose, your greatest love, your greatest  happiness and feel whole, resilient and able to touch the stars with your  dreams…you’ll take the first step toward courage…then you will have it all.