If You Really Love Someone, You’ll Never Stop Surrendering To Make It Work.

Love is a feeling and an action, it is not an anxiety-provoking drama. Before we share it, the commitment is to oneself first and foremost. Only then can we enter into an intimate relationship from a healthy, loving space.

All relationships are distinctly different, but often we compare them to one another. And instead of this bringing us closer, it provokes emotional distance. Judgment. Comparing each relationship can bring out our inner scarcity though and even though we’re emotionally distant, it makes us physically hold on tighter. What if there is no one else?

Comparison is the biggest block to love and keeps us stuck in struggle.

Just as no relationship is alike, neither is the way we act in any relationship. So why do we look at others and think they have some magical potion that we seem unable to conjure up in our own life?

We don’t see the love in ourselves that is already there. We believe it is only outside of us based on how someone else sees us, so when we meet someone, we wonder how this person will feel about us. Our focus in on them and not ourselves.

The older we get, the more experiences we have, even if we recognize it — we may deny an attraction or possibility comparing him or her to someone else. And yet, begrudgingly, or tripping over ourselves, we do it once again, as though some force is pulling us into it, as we fight against it.

Will it be a struggle, painful and soul-crushing, or will it be different this time?

As we move forward and find ourselves in love with another human being, it brings up all kinds of resistance. If we trusted ourselves to handle possible pain or disappointment, all we’d have to know is this: If you really love someone, you’ll never stop surrendering to make it work.

It’s not about comparing the relationship to others, or fighting for it; that indicates the relationship needs rescuing. It’s also not about a willingness to suffer, because that choice is there whether we are in a relationship or not.

The only love worth having is the one worth surrendering for. Anything short of that will be a struggle: right versus wrong, winner vs. loser.

If you aren’t willing to surrender, then you don’t want it enough. And if you think other happy, healthy relationships are not based in love and surrender, then you’re comparing it to a picture that only exists in your head.

If you’re in a relationship for a reason other than love, or if you forgot that love is the reason you’re there, surrendering will be a whole new experience.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about love specifically or life in general. If you aren’t willing to surrender to a deeper knowing, then your ego is running the show. You have to be willing to look a fool (it’s just your pride shaming you), and go out of your way to get real with your feelings. Otherwise, you just don’t want it enough.

Here’s the quandary: you may desire it, want it and believe you’re committed to love and your relationship, but many do not know how to commit to love. We know how to commit to winning, to having it our way, and not feeling the deeper emotionally intimate connection love has to offer. In fact, you may even feel you don’t deserve it.

On the one hand you say you want it, but your subconscious sabotages that closeness, that innate craving, and you scratch your head wondering why you’re always in struggle. The truth is you don’t believe you can have what you want without a state of struggle. You think there needs to be a winner and a loser.

And you may compare it to easier moments in past relationships, or to relationships with strangers, to make your position more solid. But this just works against you.

The attachment to the mind rather than the heart destroys relationships. It is when we our core false beliefs based off past experiences run the show; many of us believe we must force our will to be loved, taken care of and truly connected, instead of surrendering to love.

The question becomes: Do you love yourself and the other person enough to step out of your comfort zone and into surrender? If you never surrender to the purpose of the relationship (love), you remain in resistance, repeating your struggle again and again.

Want personal growth, connection and excitement? Surrender. Oh, and don’t confuse that with becoming a doormat. Not the same thing at all.

It can sound scary, but when I speak to clients about what they want deep within, it’s love. If all your actions in a relationship are toward winning, then love is buried.

Love makes the relationship feel like less work because many problems fall away. When you’re not resisting your partner, but instead remembering your love for yourself and for them, it changes how you show up. You feel better and it’s reflected in the actions you choose. Plus you stop comparing yourself to others.

It’s about finding love within and surrendering to that desire, believing we aren’t going to lose ourselves if we back off our position. It’s knowing we can trust ourselves to be connected yet not engulfed.

Now, here’s the part that most people overlook entirely: When you find yourself in an intense struggle, ask “What would love do?” You will feel the tension release and the answer will come independent of the reaction of the other person.

Often we forget the reason we came together in the first place. And when we’ve loved and lost in the past, we may have buried our ability to let love lead.

We may not have had the best role models for love growing up, but we can unlearn those earlier lessons and teach ourselves to live in a state of surrender because it gives us what we crave most… meaning.

Giving meaning to resistance and looking tough, like you won’t take shit from anyone, makes it impossible to feel love. Then we wonder why we feel disconnected, depressed, and lonely.

Ever feel lost or unsure of who you are and the direction to take? In surrendering to the love within, it can guide you in the direction of meaning, connection and fulfillment. But first you have to trust you can do it.

When you take action from a place of love, it grows your trust and your connection with your deeper desires, making that voice in your head less dominant.

Every person deserves to love themselves so much that he or she is willing to surrender to that true desire: a committed, emotionally intimate relationship with another person.

Anytime there’s a winner and loser, no one is happy. So why do we think this formula makes for a healthy relationship? No loser I’ve seen wants to remain that way. They will be resentful, plotting their way to win, even if it’s done in secrecy.

Let yourself surrender… now. Even if the relationship you are in ultimately fails, you want to continue surrendering, because love is within each of us. And when it doesn’t work with another person, we’re still left with the love we’re connected to within us.

There’s nothing to win or lose, only to gain what you’ve been wanting your entire life… love.

Why Lack Matters.

Ever pay attention to your thoughts and accompanying feelings during your day? Perhaps, hearing certain ones over and over; along with the same feelings, over and over too?

Stick with em’ and really listen to their force, diction and feeling, often there’s lack at the base.

“I can’t do that”

“I can’t have that”

“I am not enough or good enough”

“It’s impossible”

“This is it, there ain’t no more”

And so on.

Noticing the majority of our thoughts as repetitive and imaginably, centered on lack and limitation; it colors our present and future. Reminding us of how we not only don’t deserve more, but apparently life appears to work against us.

In looking back on my life, the events where I felt burdened, heavy, angry and just plain sad–were generated by my thoughts and feelings; it created my perspective. I couldn’t help myself. I remember saying hopeless words to myself while trying to dress up a pile of shit, into a fashion model.

Excuses, blame, and inertia go together. It can fool us into thinking this is it! We’re unable to move toward fulfillment. If “Life is hard” is truth, we create it and should ask, “what am I afraid of having happen?”

Leaving the unfulfilling known hardship, because the known misery is safer than the unknown, is frightening!

Just as the statement “life is great” is only truth, if we create it.

Notice the lack inside of us causes us to focus on lack outside of us; it’s a reflection. But, we don’t see it as a reflection, we see it as a prison.

If you read my posts or listen to my radio show, I speak to the power within us. It’s a disservice buying into the belief(s) around lack, and remaining afraid of doing something different.

Recently, I signed up to work with a business coach; deep inside me I knew two things.

First, unless I did something different my business would always be the same and it scared me; it was a limiting thought, because of where I WANT to go. The second reason was I needed the discomfort of the unknown; not just listening to my coach, but trusting I would enact her words…believing in myself, I could do it!

It took me understanding no one was going to wave a magic wand and my life would change. It had nothing to do with change in others or my outer circumstances. I had to release what was steering my ship toward unnecessary rough waters.

Most of us have an iron grip on our daily routines holding on for dear life; it’s familiar! Wake up, go to work or do yoga or walk the dog or __________, work more, come home, then what?

As much as we state we’re miserable, we can’t give up the confines of our day, by doing something different. Nope, we like to face the same challenges, over and over.

But……What if? We find expansion in life? Possibility? Freedom, excitement, creativity, passion and love?

Moving out of lack, impossibilities or let’s call it what it is….fear, we’re so insignificant, so undeserving and doomed to fail, lose or fall down, by believing our authentic truth….that we stop.

We DO NOT trust ourselves.

I’ve spoken with amazingly creative people and yet, they don’t paint, dance, write or draw.

I’ve spoken with people in dysfunctional relationships (mainly with themselves) and they stay put, afraid of what change will bring.

I’ve spoken with people who say they must sacrifice and yet never arrive–because they only know struggle and sacrifice.

I’ve spoken with people afraid to express what’s deep within them, instead continuing with a life of quiet desperation.

And so on.

Lack parades inside of us with many disguises; making it hard to locate, unless we purposefully listen.

Taking those false thoughts around limitation, getting momentarily uncomfortable and advancing from lack to abundance requires courage. So, the artist picks up his or her brush, the person stuck in dysfunction realizes he or she is never really alone, he or she speaks the impacted words knowing true relief and those who sacrifice realize they can focus not on ‘less’ but more, reflecting their own inner trust.

Don’t let the lack in your head keep you stuck, trust your gut and your joy to move you. If you’d like to discover how ready you are to move into abundance, schedule a complimentary discovery session with me.

 

Why Are My Relationships So Hard?

Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a fairy princess and her prince (or a princess and a princess, or a prince and a prince–whatever the modern fairy tale would be for you). Point is it seemed like it was easy in the ‘ever after part’ right?

We all figured it would be magical!

And we set our vision on having that magical person enter our life.

But do you remember what it took for these two to hook up? I mean really, besides mythological creatures, there were family members who interfered with the road to the characters’ love and happiness!

It was HARD work!

For most of us we were raised in families, where we learned a lot about relationships being hard. It doesn’t necessarily mean abusive, it just means HARD.

Many of us learned at an early age not to want very much, but to expect a lot from our mate. It was a relationship paradox.

When I was married I wondered why I couldn’t have it all–that deep intimacy or even some of it. Why was it so freakin’ HARD!?

Lotsa reasons. Starting with me.

Our expectations aren’t even in alignment with reality and at the same time we accept far less than we deserve. Some of us are waiting for the other person to turn into our dream prince or princess.

Think I’m kidding?

A client of mine suffered anxiety and an intense yearning for an old love to wake up and smell the coffee. She wanted her past love, a mentally unstable, abusive individual, to seek help, be magically repaired and show up on her doorstep! I said to her, “You do realize that people who are ready for a happy and healthy relationship don’t dream of turning someone who has a lot of emotional dysfunction into their dream mate, right?” And I added, “What would you do if that happened? You only choose partners based on their emotional distance to intimacy. Could you deal with being vulnerable?”

My client, like many others, ended up in relationships, which were just hard.

Some wait years for the payoff,  because there has to be something (usually unidentifiable– just a feeling of a reward dangling). They watched Mom or Dad waiting, or suffering through hard labor.

I’ve worked with people who have been together for years, listening to one partner complain over and over to me about how the other partner just doesn’t get it! The complainer isn’t doing anything but complaining about something that they don’t even want to change.

Why?

Because it is the level of emotional availability the complainer was used to receiving as a child. We want a list of characteristics from a mate, because we’ve been told to want it, and deep down at our core, we all want emotional intimacy. But the problem in between is we didn’t learn how to be vulnerable and unguarded. In many cases we attracted someone where their ability to get close is limited too. We match each other.

Many of us are used to working too hard for emotional connection.

The ‘how’ in getting emotionally close to another human being can be a challenge, so we purposely choose partners where the focus is on the arduous journey to claw our way to intimacy (and rarely get there). We look for complicated, hard and tortuous opportunities to prove ourselves (and at times be superior to the other person). Be careful what you wish for, because if it were actually to come true, you may not know what to do with yourself.

We end up with hard, because we come from scarcity.

Scarcity means there’s not enough love, not enough good ones and perhaps, we don’t feel we’re good enough to deserve what we want. And so we settle for less and doing HARD labor.

Obviously, some don’t go down this road, but I am speaking to those people who feel relationships are hard. Yes, staying together takes commitment and work, but not the kind of work hard relationships represent.

Forget perfection or somebody to wait on you hand and foot, I’m talking someone to be emotionally intimate with you. Many married couples have no emotional intimacy, it’s not just a single person thing. Scarcity of love, of believing you deserve to have intimacy and then being able to handle it takes a lot of self-awareness, confidence and openness.

Vulnerability is hard to maintain for many long-term relationships, when one or both partners don’t want to be vulnerable because they might lose their stance. Over time, some fall into: “I’m right, you’re wrong,” and it’s a hard way to live.

Having a partner who is in a state of resistance to you, no matter what you seek, is tiring… and HARD. Nagging, whining or the silent treatment are wonderful ways to never get close to your partner. And for singles who seem to have someone they cannot get over, because they’re still waiting for the reward or the validation of what they didn’t get in that relationship, it is just as hard.

Alison was still married, desiring an ex-boyfriend from high school who also was still married. Alison wanted a divorce, and felt this electrical connection to her old ex-mate. He couldn’t offer much in his current situation, but he felt he was offering enough just by communicating and having clandestine meetings with her. He kept promising her he would leave his wife too. Alison found she couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat and spent a lot of time fantasizing about what it would be like to finally be with her high school sweetheart! She was trying to escape her current reality. The heightened emotional state she had with her boyfriend made her feel they had true intimacy, but all they really shared was a desire to avoid their current lives. In both relationships, there was no intimacy.

Real intimacy requires commitment.

What can you do?

• Stop looking for things to be hard, find the ease.
• Learn to love yourself and be intimate with you first.
• Surrender, take down those useless walls that keep love out.
• Look at how you come from a lack mentality–see where scarcity plays a part and shift it.
• Finally commit to yourself that vulnerability, openness and ease are your goals in the relationship with yourself… and then others.

Do you see the difference between commitment towards intimacy and vulnerability vs. staying in a difficult relationship based on scarcity?

Compassion for a Disappearance Act

When someone has disappeared… we’re all over the map emotionally.

Versus…

When we’ve emotionally been in step with ourselves throughout the relationship, we’ve been processing it all along…..and so when we’re truly done with a relationship or a way of having relationships, the word compassion rings true.

When we aren’t the ones choosing to end the relationship or heck, our mate disappeared out of our lives; compassion is the last thing on our minds.

When we’re in a place of not deserving love and we’ve attracted someone who also doesn’t deserve love (remember this is not a conscious thought)…it manifests in several ways.

There are always signs that someone who is going to bolt, will bolt.

We can delude ourselves into believing that’s not the case, that somehow we’re gonna make a difference or we blow off those little red flags…then we seem surprised when we’re standing alone.

I hear so often from clients and people who read my work that when someone says “I LOVE YOU,” it’s the end.

We wonder what we did wrong.

What did we do right?

WTF happened?

One person runs away physically and the other stands in expectation. The one who ran away feels the weight of the responsibility that those words carry–they just remember the last time and how it didn’t work…and they got hurt. Say hello to the past!

They don’t think THEY are capable of giving or receiving love–in their fantasy mind they believe they can, but when reality strikes…forget it!

When people bolt, it’s based on the belief they have about themselves and their ability to be vulnerable. It’s based on their inability to love themselves. People who love themselves don’t bolt…and people who love themselves aren’t with people who bolt.

Sound harsh?

It’s not. I’ve been in both groups.

Until I took the onus of responsibility off the guy, I was stuck as a victim. I blamed. I was angry at him. I was all those things…and as these relationships usually go…the one who bolted always comes back. ALWAYS in my life. Even if I was the one who bolted.

Emotionally unavailable. Not trusting. Believing all men or women suck. Excuses.

We may look to the other person to provide signs that they’re committed.

We may pull it out of them and they bolt at some point. The thing is we’re BOLTING when we’re pulling it out of them. If we’re quietly biding our time, hoping they’ll say it on their own, we’re more than likely being inauthentic. We’re living in fear, because we know when we say the WRONG thing…they’re gone, so we pretend.

We’re not open and vulnerable, we’re protective!!!!! We’re not being real.

Unlovability manifests in these relationships, it’s what they’re about!

And what if the “bolter” intellectualizes and blame us for leaving? That’s their shit. They’re completely disconnected from themselves. Anyone who intellectualizes, criticizes or has a list of what’s wrong with us–basically has NO self love. People who love themselves ARE COMPASSIONATE.

When we act and speak from our truth, there’s no game or waiting…we’re emotionally present and not worrying about saying the wrong thing, because if they leave…we know it’s not what we want in a mate.

So…compassion. It’s hard to do when all this blame is tossed around. It’s hard to do when we’re still tied up in SHOULDA,COULDA, WOULDA…and it’s definitely hard when we’re beating the crap out of ourselves for the actions of our mate.

Compassion for ourselves comes from realizing we chose this TYPE of relationship that gives us exactly what we want, proof that we suck in some way. And we get the proof intellectually.

Except it’s not the truth.

None of us suck, even the one who bolted.

Compassion is not the same as allowing or letting someone off the hook. Compassion is love, self-love and accepting what is….”what and who we are” and “they are.”..no one is wrong.

Until we have compassion for ourselves and others…WE NEVER FULLY LET GO. We’re never free…we’ll keep finding people where we both emotionally unavailable….bolting away from love!

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How much does my Big Toe, know?

My big toe, knows as much as the rest of me. Honestly, just liked that statement as my blog post title today.

This is about relationships.

The funny thing about the word “good” in relationship to oneself is the other word: subjective.

It is my perception, which distinguishes something as good or bad. And sometimes there is a grey area where I cannot tell the difference.  It comes from my conditioning, my core beliefs.

In relationships, I have found myself staying too long (rarely) or not long enough (more often than not); there is still no clear answer for me when enough is enough or if I still don’t know the true meaning of love. 

I have experienced a lot of pain in a current relationship and at the same time, I have received such reward in knowing and learning to love him and myself. I can’t say I am the same person I was three years ago that I am now. I am now educated with the meaning of the word openhearted and the many ways I have closed my heart in the past.

This person loves me very much, he tells me I have an amazing open heart (as you know from my posts—that has been something that didn’t come easily for me) and that I am the love of his life. He is learning to love himself too. He gets stuck in the past emotionally, afraid to truly move forward into a two feet in, amazing relationship. I know it would be amazing, because in between the painful moments it is amazing. Can’t really think of a way we are not connected. Thank you Universe for the very over the top synchronicity, weird commonalities and intuitive connection, truly wonder sometimes if the Universe is a comedian in disguise?

I have walked away a few times; I am the one who has chosen it with the thought of it being permanent. He never has seen it as permanent, because he is always the one to reach out to me.

I crave normal, but what is normal? It is a subjective answer. I possessed my own ideas; I realize now, most of what I thought defines “normal” is a fantasy. Where did I find that picture perfect fairy tale postcard, hmmm?

It has been a fight, as I have watched from the sidelines this man battle himself to unwillingly stay living in a painful emotional prison against his GROWING desire to find the courage and will to move toward a life of love and fulfillment. Sometimes I think he needs a referee for himself.

Nothing I do or say will vary it or him. None of us have DIRECT impact upon making another human being change. You can NEVER tell a person what “they” need to do for themselves. Even if you are chomping at the bit and are frustrated by watching another, forget it. None of us listen and make the changes we are told will bring true happiness, because we stand in our own way. Not until we are ready to take flight do we find our own wings.

I recognize in my relationship how lucky, fortunate, blessed I am with the ease of our communication and how we understand and know each other…. and how fun it is, we laugh a lot!

I have yet to meet anyone on this planet who I share what we share in the multitude of connections on several levels. But, is it enough?

He wants me in his life, but we have not really jumped that fence too far into the lives of each other. Wanting and doing are two different things.

Most people like to tell others to move on when it is less than perfect; I often wonder what they move on to when they do? I have listened in the past to advice and followed it, only to have found I threw down the gauntlet and vacated the relationship prematurely. And thus, I carried that baggage forward too. If I would have stayed and worked through til the very end when I was emotionally at a point of knowing rather than premature numbness, I may have made healthier relationship decisions with each subsequent one.

Which is why I always tell my clients to see it through all the way until the end, until you are done with it or married…don’t throw in the towel too soon.

He has a large cave he inhabits, because it’s where he can hear himself and not the voices. The voice he believes is me, actually is “the ghost of females past.”  He assumes I will not understand if he has to disappoint me or that he’ll be lectured. He is getting pretty savvy at knowing when I express my feelings it is not a lecture. And the cave is not an issue, as long as I am aware that is where he has gone.

Honesty is where I operate from in my own life.  That is hard for many people to do, including me (and him), but I have found it to be the only way I am free of anxiety and extra baggage.

In relationships, people toss labels at others, stating actions or emotions as a diagnosis they believe to be true for the individual, when in reality it doesn’t tell the whole story. I am NOT one for labels. We live an overly-labeled society. We think that makes it safe and easy, we can either hide behind a label or judge someone with a label. It doesn’t resonate with me, because we as people all have unique characteristics.

Feelings are simple, yet complicated. You can’t pull it from someone and have it feel genuine, at the same time you have to be aware of what you need and are your needs met?

Long ago, I was very impatient needing immediate gratification and slowly, I learned to value things that take a long time to grow solidly. I can appreciate that, but when you feel that the garden you have is overgrown; it needs pruning or weeding. Time to take the gardening shears and trim it back.

Ultimatums work for some when the garden of our relationship is unwieldy. I personally like “genuine” respect of what is in the heart of the other rather than willfully state my demands as my way or re-planting the whole garden We all need to be motivated, but forcing it isn’t the way to where I want to live on the middle way/road/path (thank you Buddha).

Trying to keep it simple. And when we invite others to our garden party we run the risk of uprooting some of our more stable vegetation.

People will judge and decide that something is wrong with you or him. People will tout what “good” is and that is something that only the people in a relationship can decide…what is good? What do you sacrifice for good? Or what is important for you to decide something is good? I believe it is different for each person, it depends on what you want…. and what you are willing to give up or let go.

Trance of Fear

Many of us were taught to be somewhat stoic in dealing with problems and tragedy. “A stiff upper lip, get over it or I can’t believe you are still dwelling on it” are some of the words tossed at us.

And over time these sorts of “rules to live by” make it difficult to be real. It is as though we are layering ourselves with a closetful of parkas to protect ourselves from the cold judgment of others and ourselves.

It becomes challenging to show and display what we really feel and think of ourselves; our weaknesses and strengths, because the real “you” may be under all those layers of this deep woolly coat. We hide the weak; show the strength, but maintain a façade of humility, so as not to make anyone think our ego is too large.

As we pretend to be okay, we sink further into feeling separate, alone and threatened.

The trance of fear arises from feeling emotionally cut off in relationships. We continue to feel fundamentally insecure until we begin to experience with others some of the love and understanding we needed as children.

The first step in finding a basic sense of safety is to discover our connectedness with others.  When we begin to trust the reality of another person caring, supporting us and feeling we deserve to belong, the stranglehold of fear loosens its grip.

How many relationships do you have with others where you feel emotionally connected? Where you can be yourself and are allowed the space to unveil your insecurities instead of hide or run from them?

Oftentimes when we are afraid in a relationship, we do things that we are completely unaware of in terms of how we make our partner feel.  We may be emotionally unavailable and not aware, because fear has us in a trance.

As an example, let’s say you and your husband always love spending time talking together at the end of the day. Now your husband turns on the television and when you try to interrupt him, he says, “Please, I just need to wind down…can you just let me be right now.” And you hear that resonate in your head and run off to your bedroom and cry. You are upset and feel your whole relationship is over or in serious trouble.

He follows after you to see what he “did this time” to have you run off in this way.

Overreaction? Yes.

All you know is that you feel abandoned and you have no idea why you are in a trance of fear. Try to sit with the feeling you have in the middle of your reaction and see what it tells you. You may remember something like your dad coming home from work each day and turning on the television. And when you wanted to share news with him about you and your accomplishments or problems; he told you “not now” or “can’t you see I’m watching tv” or maybe he got really angry and found your interrupting him to be a major offense.

Unfortunately, you had no recollection of this earlier moment when your husband responded to you as to his being preoccupied. And when you become aware of these sorts of “past interludes”, you can make a different decision in the present moment to deal with your insecurity. You are then at choice to take different action.

You could explain to your husband the cause of your reaction and open up communication for further conversation. This creates emotional “availability”, connection and takes fear out of the driver’s seat, literally.

Connection in a love relationship means opening up yourself to not being alone in any sense of the word. It is building a foundation of love and understanding, which is safe, where you can share fears that are buried under the layers of your parka.

We don’t have to choose to be alone, ever.

Commitment

I love this quote that I found floating somewhere out on the web anonymously. “Commitment unlocks the doors of imagination, allows vision and gives us the right stuff to turn our dreams into a reality.” Commitment equals success. Truly committing to anything is one of the most profound things we can do as human beings. Whether it is commitment to a goal, person, job, a date, being of service, et al. When we put both feet fully in, we are trusting ourselves and the Universe. We are saying, “I am in”. I am playing full out in life.

If we are really committing, it should be a little scary. There should be a bit of a gulp we feel when we say yes to a new relationship when we are fully committing ourselves to being “in” the relationship. Not playing at it, one foot out and the other one dangling by a toe, nope that brings us no return on the investment. Going all in, means…. I trust myself to be able to handle any and all of my emotions that happen created by my reactions to the other person in the relationship. I can handle engulfment, it will not grab me into its undertow and drown me. It says, I can handle pain, because pain is an inevitable part of life. It says, I can stay through all the times, good and bad, because I am emotionally present. Knowing that the true strength is the vulnerability to realize our journey is not one of self protection or saving face, but one that is an honest expression of who we truly are! Commitment is having no regrets: No shouldas, couldas, wouldas…no sir, its knowing you did everything you could in that opportunity and you went the distance. Its what makes life an unending bonanza of amazing moments.

Both feet in means I am committed to whatever happens and staying authentic to who I am, knowing that true happiness only comes from being there 100% in the moment. No ducking out. No denial, hiding, distractions or telling yourself the grass is greener or you don’t have to put up with something trivial, because you are not getting your way. Nope that ain’t being committed. Being committed is to stay flexible in your approach, revise as needed and participate fully.

Go big, reap the benefits, expand yourself and commit to the biggest dream you have ever imagined. Stay committed to seeing it through and watch your life unfold.

Never Just Walk Away

Fear.

It keeps you from living.

Fear mimics your environment, you don’t really notice fear taking over until your wallpaper peels or you have to vacuum up another mess left behind after days of allowing your puppy to run rampant all over your house. Fear leads with your permission and leaves a mess in its wake, somewhat like your puppy dog…although not as cute.

Fear is the daily alarm clock, helping you out of bed with lists in your head, anxiety greeting you with your first cup of coffee and then helping you with your briefcase into you car bound for traffic. Fear moves you thru life, rather than enjoying, participating and living your days.

Fear is a part of our make-up as human beings, but it should never be steering the jeep, unless of course, you find that you are being chased by a lion. It serves a purpose, but should never be a ruler. Have the fear, yet have the courage to do it anyway.

Learn as you go, see what fear teaches you as the anxiety tightens your jaw, makes your teeth chatter and your stomach clench into a fist.

Fear is anticipation of “what you think you know will happen”. You decided to seek an imaginary crystal ball; it aids you in making your decisions from fear rather than what you actually want from your heart.

Although, what you want may require you to trek thru the forest of fear. Many would prefer standing still and hope for a miracle delivering what they wish to come directly to their waiting arms. When you have fear as your strongest characteristic, rarely will your wish show up in the form that would make you happy. Honestly, if your prized dream dropped in your lap, you would turn it down or diminish its true value. To embrace your prized dream would require you to go through your fear and be emotionally present. It is really unsettling that if the very thing you want shows up, you’ll find a million reasons not to have it, run or make something wrong with it.

Many who go through the forest find the journey can be scary, exhilarating and fun.

It is like dancing on hot coals and singing in the rain.

The forest is life. If you are fully engaged with creating your dreams, you cut a path through the forest. Fear doesn’t disappear, but it is not creating the path.

Really living, is to go through the fear and the sense of accomplishment that comes with emotionally moving beyond your own limitations.

Most people don’t willingly take a journey through their emotional fears.

Physical fears are easier; jump out of the plane with a parachute, its over in 5 minutes…its done.

Emotional fears require you a much longer commitment to overcome, disentangle allowing you the ability to let go of them, instead of allowing fear to be your guiding light.

Live with courage, it allows you to question your impetus for fear. Courage asks why you make excuses and digs deeper in asking what belief you hold onto about yourself that keeps you stuck? It is to recognize the belief and as an adult in the present moment, make a different decision.

Take fear as it is, don’t embellish or make it more of a story. Fear is something we all have, but it does not have to be in control. Ask yourself these questions, connect to yourself and the more you do, the more answers you’ll find.

And remember, fear doesn’t like the light, it prefers the darkness of non-clarity. So, the clearer you are by understanding your fear, the less it will hamper the actions you take toward your goals.