The Curse Of Intelligence

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Living in your head, ‘intellectually’ got it all figured out. You know what’s coming, because you get the nuances life has to offer….and know what each situation calls for in response.

It’s not a fun way to live; there’s rare surprises and even rarer variation from the rigidity of holding to the way you do things (and the when). With the complex rule book in your head, you don’t even know why you hold tight, it just seems right.

Yeah…right in your comfort zone.

Right, so nothing can hurt you, get under your skin or perhaps take you off ‘perceived’ balance.

It’s why so many smart people are single or stay in crappy relationships or even have an okay relationship while giving the sheen of a perfect life.

I can relate.

I’m not a dating expert or coach. I’ve been a mix of a love coach (learning to love oneself), empowerment (in control of one’s emotional state) and relationship coach (teaching people it’s within their power to change a relationship or at least have a different experience of it).

I share, it took me a long while to understand where a coach could help me change my life too. I’m very self-aware, intelligent and always looking within, but I still miss so much–obviously, otherwise my life would look different.

I have a business coach. And now, I’m hiring a dating coach. To help me, like I help others to get the flashlight out and shine a light on my intellectualizing, keeping me from getting real, vulnerable and open.

I’ve seen my fear lately.

I see it lurking and I’m starting to unravel this veil. It’s deeper. I’ve worked this area before. Re-visiting the same stuff, in a different way, but once again it’s a deep dive.

Smart people y’all are your own worst enemy trying to control everyone and everything with smoke and mirrors, which aren’t fooling anyone.

Do you ever find yourself intellectualizing others’ emotions?

Or not wanting to have others witness you crying or looking vulnerable? Believing if you appear strong, everything looking good on the outside, that you or anybody else never has to look inside too deeply (The world will assume you’re okay, so they’ll never ask). We can leave the scary monsters alone.

It’s a lonely, empty and unfulfilling place to live. The intellect doesn’t feed you or anyone else emotionally, it keeps you distant.

In my biz, I speak to many individuals appearing to have their shit totally together, by giving the right intellectual answers to the questions (What emotions? What issues? You have none?). Fortunately, for them, I was one of those people too; I call bullshit on it and get deeper–so their lives change.

Point is, we all need help, or we never really move off our dime.

After coming off my own high horse in the realm of seeking help (because I’m very self-aware) if I don’t commit to someone helping me, things will stay the same. Stale. Boring. Predictable and completely cut off from a life I dream about and am now more courageous than afraid to claim.

No thank you to attracting the same kind of guy, that’s a one-way ticket to hell. Yet, I don’t feel bad, or as though I’m fatally flawed, or anything horrible. I just see my reality, and that I’m the common denominator. I’m single and it’s not tragic, BUT I’ve been unable on my own to achieve my aforementioned dream. So, there must be a mental construct buried needing to come to light.

Smart people can stay stuck for years.

Our lives may not be horrible or unmanageable, but we manipulate ourselves into believing the bullshit we feed others, about how we appear to the rest of the world. Buying into our own story will keep us in it for the rest of our lives.

An example of a story, it’s wanting to stay angry, blaming someone else (especially a parent), holding an intellectual wall holding in place, so you don’t have to be vulnerable or be accountable. It’s old protection from being hurt as a child.

That story of another being a bad or good person is part of what those who intellectualize bring into the carefully constructed persona, in essence we victimize ourselves and remain powerless to change it, as long as we stay in our intellect.

Intellectualizing around dating, career, relationships or anything where feeling (our gut) should be in place, will never allow us to deeply connect with the world. Everything remains at the surface and those patterns tougher to break.

Got anxiety? Depression? Stress and feel overwhelmed? Waiting for a dysfunctional situation to be functional?

You’re in your head.

To be in your intellect is to live in a cocoon, to be busy showing everyone you’re okay and that you have all the answers; pushing away anything threatening the image and to feel dreadfully alone (even in a relationship).

It’s such a waste of time, we’re meant to be living LARGE! Emotionally and spiritually connected, getting uncomfortable as we move toward our dreams!

I’ll let you know how my dating coach adventure goes, because I’m committed to change. How about you? Ready for change? If you’re interested in what I offer in taking a deep dive within, please set up a discovery session.

Click here for the appointment.

 

A Meltdown.

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There was a time in my life where I could really lose it, cry, wail and dig deeply into the cracks between how I held myself together. Those times happen rarely, if ever, anymore, well….until recently.

I was out to dinner with my kids celebrating my youngest getting a job, leading to the start of her career.

We were driving home, talking about some funny moments from their childhood, and I mentioned this one mom from a particular scenario. I originally met her, when I only had two of my three kids. Our lives would continue to somewhat intermingle throughout their childhood, but we were never friends. She was someone who I had felt never liked me.

As I mentioned her name, my son tells me she died. I look at him incredulously, maybe he’s confused? How would he know and I never did, because it didn’t just happen yesterday, she’s been gone more than a handful of years!?

Memories came flooding back to the earliest of years when I met her in a parenting group, where we both were board members, and I was at her house with my now three kids preparing for an event. I remember her talking about moving, from the town she lived in, to the more affluent one next door.

Other glimpses of the past hit me and I wanted to cry.

I thought, about everything she was missing, all the hopes and dreams we all had when our kids were so young. I had to wrap my head around the fact that, as far as I knew, she never got to ‘right her dreams,’ so many difficult events took place after her move to the town where I also raised my kids…I wondered if she was finally at peace? She hadn’t died in the marriage of that old dream, nor had she stayed in the town where she felt she had finally arrived….and I felt so sad, because I didn’t know the truth. And why did it bother me so much?

There were so many associations I had with other people, how had no one mentioned this to me? And yet, why would they?

As my sadness grew over someone who had really been little more than an acquaintance, I found myself crying over all sorts of loss and all the decisions I made years ago that I now realized I really never forgave myself for the ones, which caused myself and others pain. In the old days, I always appeared ‘so’ together, I knew the truth…I wasn’t, because as it took me years to figure out…no one is all together.

During, what turned from just grieving someone else’s ‘supposed’ un-lived life , I was now in the midst of a full blown meltdown.

Bringing in the whole cavalry of punishing events from the past.

Things, I thought I had worked through, came roaring back. Why did I leave my marriage? What did I do to my kids? What the fuck, why couldn’t I handle it back then–the parts that were insurmountable to me at the time? Look at the mess I made of my life……and blah, blah, blah….

Oh lordy, like a full blown pity party, but it wasn’t. It was a realization. No matter how many times I think I’ve forgiven myself and the rest of the world. I hadn’t in one profound way, in the act of suffering and punishment.

If I could find a hard road, I’d take it…if I could work with commitment and lose while others won–I’d do it, if I could separate myself and have less than the rest of the world, I’d be in. I didn’t deserve ease, goodness or a healthy relationship…..I had to be punished for some perceived wrongs of my past.

This was not a newsflash! I was well aware of it for years, I’d made huge leaps and bounds in moving through it to the other side, but during this meltdown, IT WAS STILL THERE.

What we resist, persists.

Acceptance is what finally creeped in the back door. Accepting how fucked up I felt and that I quite possibly could be the greatest saboteur to the life plans that are currently unfolding at this moment. There was no shoving it aside, forgiving it or blessing it….there was an acceptance that it exists, because it had for years, even before I was married, when I used to be not just a type A, but a perfectionist too.

Acceptance is how we go through, rather than around or hide it. Once we accept it, we can go about our lives knowing a part of us–the darker, twisted part could ‘openly’ go along for the ride too.

The meltdown served its purpose.

As unexpected as it was, it came from a culmination of everything I’d been moving in the rhythm of being kinder to myself; allowing help, serving at the level of freedom and love, soaking into my subconscious a way of thinking and ‘doing’ that I’d talked about, but never really felt.

My whole demeanor had been changing, as I heard from others who had been around me for years; it showed I had been shifting gears inside over a long period of time.

Forgiving, accepting, embracing and bringing ourselves forward even with the understanding, we may not feel we deserve it, is the key to living an authentic life. The shitty shit doesn’t magically go away, but how we treat it, makes a huge difference in our willingness to move out of the comfort zone of crucifying ourselves or beating ourselves up, over decisions we’ve made. It’s only in taking the whole with its fragments, that we find our truth, which leads us to living a life fulfilled.

 

 

 

Power of Gratitude V

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Sometimes I hear, “Have an Attitude of Gratitude,” with the purpose of helping me manifest what I want; have more peace, feel more open and overall, less frustrated with my current lot in life.

And at those times, when I’m most frustrated, I find it difficult to really step out of my comfort zone with it’s revolving thoughts! It’s a merry-go-round in my head! Trying to figure out why, I’m stuck in a place once again, in which, I’ve visited many times, over several years.

Now most people can relate to frustration being a difficult emotion to step out of and stop, cold turkey.

There is a certain comfort to old thoughts and lashing out at the Universe, as to why things are once again headed in an unwelcome direction. I know, because I’ve found it the most challenging time to have any gratitude for anything.

Most negative emotions can wrap us up in their clutches, making it feel impossible to be released.

We don’t get relief, so easily as to just say words of gratitude, oh no! It’s the same thing with positive affirmations, even if the words come out of our mouth, does it match our truth? Does it match our energy, our intention, our feelings?

Just saying words with no real meaning attached to it, gives us no power. It keeps us powerless, especially if the force of our anger or unhappiness is behind it.

In some of my more recent challenges, the ones, which I didn’t understand their significance or reoccurrence, I discovered something new. I came to understand my value.

People can say how wonderful we are, they can slather us in praise, and we can even look in the mirror and say, “Hmmm…not bad,” but these sentiments are not necessarily indicative of how we value ourselves.

In the past, I believed I had to work super hard to get value. I also believed that everything in my life had happened as either a reflection of me or that it was a lesson I wasn’t getting! This trifecta of thoughts would come up every time a past result, seemed to be my present outcome. I’d think of how I handled it differently, how I acted differently and how I thought differently, so how could this possibly be happening?

It dawned on me one day.

Deep inside, I felt, I did not deserve my circumstances, that in this particular event, I embraced my value. I saw where I was responsible, where I had done everything I could think of and it still had poor results. This was not a reflection of me at all. I stopped beating myself up with those recurring thoughts and felt peace.

And what does this have to do with the power of gratitude?

In the realization of my own value, came an opening. All the responsibility I carried for the external circumstances, the outcome, of all that occurred, had dropped from my shoulders. The barriers of blame, I held against the Universe and myself started to crumble. I was able to feel my way into gratitude.

Gratitude is about the present moment, not the future. When it comes to being personally-empowered, all we can be connected to in the mind, body, spirit department is now.

We can be grateful for what is and where we are today. When we value ourselves, our gratitude is clearer and less tinged with what we don’t have in the moment.

If we take a few minutes to really look at a situation, in which we’re held hostage and feel gratitude is the last place we can actually touch, it’s important to stop for a second and ask ourselves, “Have I done everything, I believe can be done in this situation, with the knowledge I have right now?” If the answer is yes, (and it usually is when we’re frustrated), then seeing where we’re applying unnecessary pressure on ourselves for the present situation to be different is key.

Where does that come from?

Once we see why we need the validation of a situation to turn out right, we can gain clarity on our actions and our value. Once we really start honoring our value, we can feel grateful for exactly what is in our lives. We can look at the frustrating situation and know that it’s teaching us gratitude. It’s taught us that there is freedom from the murkiness of believing life has done us wrong, or we’re wrong.

I can be grateful right now for all that is in my life. It allows me to be accepting, and not in such a hurry. I can look at the past and feel thankful for the experiences, which have brought to the place of value I feel in myself.

The power of true gratitude is a feeling of softening, because it connects us to a greater source than ourselves. We’re not so worried and caught up in what might never happen.

Gratitude allows us to connect to our creativity. When we are in this space of freedom, connecting to the creative within us, it opens a door to new thought. We gain a new approach and an opportunity to lessen the intensity of our circumstances, enough so, that our actions coming from gratitude can lead us to a completely different place than we are today.

Thanking every experience and person, past or present for their contribution to helping us discover our true value, places us squarely in an empowered space.

Links to the four other posts in this series:

The Power Of Presence

The Power Of Balance

The Power of Abundance

The Power of Insecurities

 

 

Does the voice in your head do you any good?

Trouble getting to sleep or a sleepless night? Is it the voice in your head keeping you awake?

It can keep a person pretty tired….and confused.

Usually, if we’re wrestling with something, our head acts as though it is a used car salesperson. Trying to convince us of whatever it thinks is right, regardless if it actually is right or what we truly want deep down inside.

Whether it’s a decision we need to make or a situation that is so far out of our control, we’re doing a nightly rundown of all the characters in the situation and the 99 different possibilities that could be the outcome.

If we could take our head off and leave it on our nightstand, we’d probably find not only that we fell asleep peacefully, but we’ve stopped struggling, because all we’ll have left is the sensation of our gut.

Our inner guide already knows the answer, but our head wants to win. Our thoughts want the outcome to be based on our belief about the situation and the anticipated outcome we may have experienced in similar circumstances in the past.

Bouncing thoughts back and forth never really amounts to much…all it does is cause aggravation throughout our mind, body and soul.  Ever noticed when a decision or a conclusion is made it’s never from the mental volleyball, it usually comes when we’re not thinking about it!

So how do we cut the mental chatter?

 Check out my short video:

The Four Agreements

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I love posting short excerpts, as great reminders of ideals that may be applied universally , no matter what belief system we have had our whole life. Thank you Don Miguel Ruiz.

Here are the four agreements starting with the most important one and most difficult to keep and yet, it works as a tool of magic:

The First Agreement: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Your word is the power to create. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. Through your word you manifest everything. By hooking our attention, the word can enter our mind and change a whole belief for better of for worse.

The following agreements are born from the first agreement.

The Second Agreement: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. If you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours. Feeling offended means you defend your beliefs and create conflict, because you need to be right. Everyone has their beliefs according to their own system, so nothing they think about you is really about you.

The Third Agreement: DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
The problem with assumptions is we believe they are the truth. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and then taking things personally. In any kind of relationship we can make the assumption that others know what we think and we don’t have to say what we want….if they don’t do what we assume they should do, we feel hurt and think, “How could they do that?” And the drama begins…so don’t make assumptions.

The Fourth Agreements: ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
This agreement allows the other three to become deeply ingrained habits. Regardless of the quality, keep doing your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret. Doing your best you’re going to live your life intensely and taking action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. If you work just for the reward, you actually resist work, because you are suffering to get the reward. When you do your best you accept yourself. And when you take action, just for the sake of doing it, you find joy in every action you do.

Accepting the Holes and Living Passionately!

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I used to believe I’d get to a day, where nothing would affect me anymore or life would smooth out, so “the ducks outside of me would be in a row.”

Sure, there are moments where everything in life feels like it’s in an anointed place, but those moments come and go! Life is not static, it changes. It’s our absolute refusal to get out of the way of the expression of life and allow things to just be as they are; we think we have to change it to feel better.

We don’t and I’ll tell you why.

Have you ever wished and hoped for something truly amazing to happen in your life?

We keep wondering when it’ll show up, change or happen…and then it does. As we FINALLY have our object of desire…there’s an anti-climax. Perhaps, some disappointment and a lack of fulfillment at having arrived at this destination too.

Whether it’s a relationship we’ve been wanting or a change of heart by someone we’re pining away for or a new job, client, house, vacation, etc….

Our object of desire, never stays “shiny” or “amazing”…..and perhaps, because we’ve longed for it over an extended period we might not want it anymore.

Yep, I’ve been there and sometimes it still comes up! Realizing my WANT for everything to be as I SAY, puts stress on my mind, body, emotions, etc… as I lie in a state of wait or I put an inexorable amount of energy toward having it my way.

It’s not an outside job.

We’ll only fill the holes inside of ourselves by starting there–INSIDE our bodies.

Nothing outside of us fills those empty holes for very long (infatuation anyone? Intense attachment? Etc). Nothing inside of us can permanently fill the holes 24/7 (although a higher level of contentment will always remain–there’ll always be growth)…it’s to live with the holes and live passionately. 

As I heard in a dream last night, “some of us play in the trees!!” 

We take emotional risks.

It’s accepting life and tossing expectations aside.

It doesn’t mean we have no standards for our life or the behavior of others, it means we don’t live and die by everything around us. We aren’t controlled to be in a “bad mood” over our perception of what someone else is doing or not doing.

Taking the energy from our sheer force of will and instead loving what we’re doing and being, even if we feel shitty, is called ACCEPTING and ALLOWING! And the moment we do, it dissipates into a deeper engagement of life.

Living passionately means to find what gives us joy, whether it is sitting in meditation–connecting to ourselves, or it’s dancing, laughing, crying, being creative, breaking bread with others, mountain climbing….having a business that is an extension of who we are at heart. Whatever the heck it is….live it passionately, take the leaps….the more leaps we take, the more those empty holes get filled up.

Our holes get filled by being a part of life rather than blocking the flow of it and thinking of HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

Over-thinking, blaming, complaining, hiding, holding on and so on are ways we block life.

When fear tells us this is the only way to be, we’ve allowed ourselves to slip into a VERY FAMILIAR pattern. We put ourselves there, no one else–everyone outside of us is playing a role. It’s akin to hiring others to act the part, so we find this shitty emotional state to live in…by giving them our power, and a script that says, “Act this way, so I can remind me of my lack or not having the value to get what I want,” we create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Think I’m kidding? Our subconscious beliefs are like a metal detector picking up stuff to keep us safe in our misery. It’s the long-held belief and our supplying it truth by everything we can’t have and placing us in a state of want…of thinking “if only” everything would come together then I would be happy, that makes us think our way is the only way!

Such utter bullshit.

Human beings can live in a limited manner, it’s our choice…so stop looking for the safety of the familiar way of ACTING in life and find the scary, the vulnerable, the misery, the undone and embrace it all passionately!!

And as you do, your holes will become smaller….and create anxiety far less often, because with LIVING PASSIONATELY we realize there’s really nothing in life we have to have (beyond our basic needs) to fill us up or make us happy.

Just by accepting our holes and risking where there’s fear is the key to feeling fulfilled!!

Guilt and Worry; it’s a cocktail!

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How often does guilt or worry creep in and ruin a good time? 20-50% or more like 75% of the time?

It can kill off joy quicker than a bad hangover. 

Guilt and worry come from our feeling:

  • Undeserving of good fortune.
  • Enjoying ourselves and beating ourselves up for it at the same time.
  • Something is wrong if we believe that all is well in our world.

We may even believe we have to suffer while engaging an activity, because we feel it’s the right thing to do.

For some of us it’s almost a full time job, we may even believe if we worry enough, we’ll keep something really bad from happening.

It isn’t true.

We can stop worry and guilt before they take us down physically and emotionally. By stopping it, the quality of our life experiences will improve. We were created to let go and being free and yet, we fight against our nature….even if we stop worrying and leave guilt at the side of the road, we may not trust that life will be okay.

Why is guilt useless?

When we engage in something that we think we don’t deserve to experience or perhaps, it’ll upset someone; we go against ourselves.

How to solve the guilt issue?

1. Be honest.

First, with yourself about “why” you are or aren’t doing something.

What’s the reason?

Get real. Once you’re clear with yourself,  share the truth with someone else, especially if it affects them. Get ready for the outcome to be “change.” Human beings like to walk backwards into change, instead confront yourself and your “whys,” then allow change….deep down inside, you want it anyway.

2. Get deep.

Perhaps, you feel you don’t deserve good fortune or to have fun, ask yourself why.

Really, really get to the seed of where it sprouted…were you raised to believe work before fun and that no amount of work was really ever enough? Or maybe you were made to feel bad about wanting different things than your parents? There is a long list of reasons we may feel we don’t deserve good. We may find guilt to be the familiar coat we wear. Get to know yourself.

Worry. Who me?

NOTHING is worth the worry. All that you accomplish is going through a cycle of scenarios that 95% of the time do not happen. And even if they were to happen, you’ve still accomplished nothing by worrying, there’s no suitable game plan, because even if something bad happens–it’ll still be different than you imagined.

And so what if you worry and it comes true. You wasted all that time feeling crappy. When you get to the last day of your life, what will all the time you wasted worrying have brought you? Regret. That’s all.

How to Wash The Worry Away?

1. Let Go

Realize that no matter what you are worrying about, the process of worry will do nothing to prevent it. It’s a NON-ACTION. Thought does nothing. If there’s something you’re betting is going to happen and you can do nothing to prevent it, then let go. If you can do something, then do it.

2. Re-Focus

That’s right. Once you attempt to let go, you’re next step is to manifest what you do want to happen. Believe in the good of life and you’re own good fortune. You’re not holding the world together by worrying, you’re giving yourself a useless ulcer.

Focus on trusting that things will work out for the best no matter how it looks; believe and have faith that everything in between being born and death can be overcome, so what’s the worry when those are your only two guarantees?

Now what can you do without guilt and worry running the show?

Have FUN!

Take risks! 

Step out of your comfort zone!

LOVE freely!

SAY what you really THINK and FEEL!

LET GO and BE FREE!

It’s such a struggle!

Struggle

Every single person has issues.

The only thing setting us apart from one another is our perception of struggle.

How do you see your struggles?

For some of us those issues overwhelm and overtake life.

It can be the subject of every conversation you have with other people.

Is it your daily drama?

Do you keep the drama alive by talking about it and taking no action to change it?  And what if you are taking action to change it, but you see no tangible results?

Sometimes it isn’t that we even share these struggles with others. Perhaps, we take ourselves out of the game, hibernating and avoiding others, so we don’t have to answer the dreadful question, “How are you?”

If we all have problems why are we less understanding of certain issues that someone we know is going through?

Why do we just want someone to get over it or move on? Is it a lack of patience or something deeper? Perhaps, we see ourselves in their shoes and it hits too close to home; we may prefer to stop the topic cold in its tracks.

Our society loves winners!

We especially love the story of how someone struggled to overcome great odds and became the hero; the winner!

How much struggle is too much struggle?

When do you throw in the towel? What if “quit” isn’t in your vocabulary?

If you hang on for the ride long enough will you eventually hit calmer waters?

Like so many things it’s a matter of personal perspective usually mixed with what everyone around you is willing to put up with from your state of struggle.

If you have people around you urging you to give up, do something else, leave or just get over it, how hard is it to stand your ground if you believe you need to endure to the bitter or sweet end?

Lots o’ questions, but to me the bottom line when it comes to struggle….

”What’s your goal?”

Know it and let it provide many answers.

Even with struggle, do you feel the excitement in every molecule of your being; it’s your joy and your focus?  To stop and give up may feel like a death to your dreams. It could leave you with a deep sense of regret for years to come.

If your goal provides this connection, the struggle may be born of your external circumstances.

The external circumstances can tip off the internal struggle, make you question yourself and wonder sometimes what’s possible? And the more you let it weigh you down the more struggle and farther away the goal becomes.

Now on the other hand, if you know your goal, but aren’t enthused, because it feels like you “have to do it,” then the seed of your struggle is internal.

External obstacles, probably serve to irritate you, while confirming, that the goal ain’t based on your own inner truth.

When you reach this goal, you maybe relieved. Quickly followed by a sense of bitterness, sadness, or other regret, because you weren’t doing what you really wanted to do. Rarely, is there a sense of fulfillment.

Struggle.

Focusing on the obstacle creates a sense of battle or being battle weary. It can be harder to focus on your goal, when you get caught up in the struggle. And if you don’t want to do it, it’s even more painful.

Many stay in a state of constant struggle. It’s life-defining.

Some have it flip on and off like a light switch. The ones who are doing everything to work through their obstacles, can have days, which make even the most dedicated question what they are doing.

How do you know if you should stick with it?

First. Know your goal.

Second. Define what your goal means to you. Meaning, what will it do for you once achieved?

Third. Why do you want the goal? Is it for your sake, or someone else’s idea of what you should do to be a good person, better spouse, parent, friend, employee or employer?

Fourth. When you imagine yourself attaining your goal with your meaning achieved; are you fulfilled, relieved, happy, sad, etc…? Once you know how you feel step 5 is easy.

Fifth. If you know you’ll be fulfilled and happy achieving the goal, then commit to it wholeheartedly. Don’t let anything stand in your way, enjoy the ride. See the struggle as temporary and know you are living life on your terms. Even if you have to make a left turn, just make sure you can get back on that road. When we have a sense of ownership over what we are doing it changes how we view struggle.

If step four meant you’ll feel regret, sadness, or relief in attaining the goal. Then it’s probably time you sat down and figured out what you want for you. You’re the only one who can make you happy. And sacrificing for others never feels good to anyone, because everyone around you is experiencing your struggle.

No matter where your struggle is take a step back and see what you can do toward your goal that isn’t a struggle, just for the moment. And maybe while you are focused elsewhere, the obstacles may start to resolve themselves.

p.s. check out my pocket guides to the right, you can download them for FREE. : )

Letting go, when you can’t

Letting go is very difficult for us humans.

Whether it’s a person, perception, job, or treasured item; letting go brings on the greatest unrest inside of us.

We create our biggest struggles when we work against life; we fear change/disappointment can eat us alive! 

We’ll sacrifice the good to hold onto something, which causes us pain or we’ve outgrown.

We give excuses to ourselves and the world that what we’re doing has some hidden merit.

Thank you Ghandi or Mother Theresa; they were selfless toward a greater good. For most of us, our struggles aren’t about a greater good, they’re about fear.

We find ourselves trying to cobble the hole in the shoe, rather than get a new pair.

Not letting go looks something like this:

  • Settling in a “good-enough” love relationship, when you have different life goals. As in, wanting to get married, have kids, live in Timbuktu or give up your worldly possessions to be a missionary.
  • Holding onto your crappy job out of fear that you’ll not find another.
  • A perception that’s negative about the opposite sex, yet you want to meet someone and get married.
  • Entering a relationship that kicks your ass, you white knuckle it, yet it’s killing you to stay.
  • Believing in your perception of the potential for another person to change.
  • Unable to change your external circumstances that create suffering and battling with life.
  • Giving up your happiness to HIDE in a dead relationship for your children, dog, house, etc…
  • Staying anywhere, because of the belief that you’ll heal another person, your childhood, heart or soul, by sacrificing YOU.

It can be insidious, and you can’t see another way to live, BUT, there is, first you “Accept,” and then “Have the Courage”!

The unknown isn’t to be feared, it’s to be embraced. Staying stuck, is far more painful than releasing yourself from bondage.

Accepting “what is,” stops your internal battle.

It’s not about forcing circumstances; it’s having the courage to blaze a new path.

It’s not easy to decide to accept “it all.” Make babysteps toward acceptance.

Steps to freedom:

  • Give up your deepest wants and desires to appease another, won’t get you what you want. Accept where the other is in their life; are you settling if you stay?
  • Holding onto a job you dread going to on Monday by Saturday, isn’t going to improve. Why do you stay, what’s the fear in leaving? DO you believe you’re unworthy of better? Maybe it won’t be easy to find something else, but doors of opportunity eventually open when you’ve courage.
  • Negative generalizing of the opposite sex, because of your past experiences, only sets you up for more. No one comes along and changes how you view yourself.  It’s about you, not them. You’re here, because of what you believe is true for you. Start accepting some painful truths about “your responsibility” for your love life, stop blaming and take action toward vulnerability, watch your perception change.
  • You’re magnetized to a relationship that’s a rollercoaster and the voices in your head say LEAVE, but you can’t. Kicking yourself, complaining and losing your mind. STOP. Accept the situation, accept you can’t leave and LOOK inside. Why are you here? Is it the disappointment of failure? You need it to work so you’re worthy of love? What is it? Dive into your vat of pain. It’ll reveal the truth.
  • If only he/she would do this, everything would be hunky dory. Yeah, this selfish viewpoint, excludes honoring where another is in their life. They need to fit our vision of perfection. Accept them right where they are, can you handle this dented pinto or are you settling by staying? Have the courage to make a decision. STOP fixing that person. Where do they mirror you in a matching insecurity? Perceived flaw?
  • It’s white flag time, when nothing is working in your life. A pattern? How much can you control? What action will move you toward believing a new direction is possible? When you get past the ego and “poor me,” there’s a flicker of a light at the end of the tunnel.
  • Wannabe Ghandis and Mother Theresas take note. Giving up your happiness to stay in a crappy situation does NOT benefit those you think it’s helping. You’re setting an example to your kids of sacrificing yourself. Do you want them to repeat what you’re doing or it’s extreme opposite? Do you want them to grow up and be happy, functioning adults? Who are you trying to get approval from? Why? Will it make you a good person and the parent you never had? No…you’re okay NOW! Stop acting out your childhood, honor your needs and your kids. Stop trying to fix your past. Accept what is and have courage.
  • The moment of regret will come for the amazing things you let slip by. If you talked yourself into believing suffering instead of risk, is the right course to take; it’s fear in disguise. Life without emotional risk, is a life of regret. Staying in things that died or hoping for past good moments to reappear is a waste of time. Look within for “why you stay.” Are you afraid of being alone if you jump, because your amazing love will discover you’re worthless? Do you not feel good enough to deserve amazing gifts and so you sabotage, make excuses and stay miserable. Accept that everything in our life has a purpose; when you’ve kicked a dead horse, let it go. Accept it’s death as an opportunity to give your life rebirth, move through your past emotionally and open to the gifts of the present.

It’s a choice to suffer with old agreements and promises you made, things change and what you thought as a kid or as a younger adult may not hold true in current circumstances. Accept your old ideas, mourn them and let em’ fly away.

Distracting yourself from your reality, whether by compartmentalizing or not dealing with your own inner unrest is NOT the way to peace and happiness. Allow the unknown–open yourself to you. Accept what you see. Release the known.

Letting go comes eventually; whether it is letting go of being stuck or letting go of the life you could’ve had if you’d lived in the courage to deserve it!

People who live in Compartments

Live in fear.

Many unknowingly, stuff emotions, people or situations into compartments.

They focus on something else, whether it’s work, exercise or drinking oneself to death to keep these finely constructed walls in place.

The false sense of protection and strength of their compartments masks the weakness and true desires of a person.

Compartments affect a person emotionally, spiritually and physically.

No one is fully open as long as compartments are the daily operating system.

Joy is never fully experienced. Sorrow is consuming.

It seems safe.

A person believes they’re protected, not realizing numbness, anger or resentment are what decorates their compartments.

They live in a state of reaction about something, which hasn’t yet transpired. It creates the circumstances that a compartmentalizer most fears: LOSS.

It’s the weakest state of operating in this life.

This person cannot make an authentic decision, because they strategize the conclusion.

Their decisions are unconsciously based on the question: “Will I have to deal with disappointment?” Forget that! Their defenses are READY on warp-speed.

They won’t be fooled this time! When looking at the future they’ve a false sense of control.

They may not recognize their unhappiness comes from blocking love.

There’s a man I know who allows everything to distract him, on purpose.

If he has to do something he doesn’t like, or it makes him feel vulnerable, it goes in a compartment. Then a mindless task takes over his mind.

And when the woman in his life needs him, instead of being responsive, communicative and allowing himself to feel good participating in fulfilling her need, he does the opposite.

On purpose. Even though he loves her and says he wants to help.

It’s drama. 

Anyone who has a compartmentalizer in their life, probably feels at the mercy of the games this person plays, because their actions and words rarely match.  

“I want to be with you, but I am going to treat you in a way that makes you leave me.”

This man wants to show up as a caring person; he just doesn’t trust himself.

It’s a byproduct of his fear.

He’s paralyzed by his compartments.

He’s too afraid of the relationship failing in the future. Once he’s invested himself fully, he believes she’ll leave him. After all, his marriage fell apart, his estranged wife hates him, so why would this last?

He can’t believe this woman, who he loves deeply, will stay with him. He thinks she’ll get sick of him, find all his flaws and abandon him or worse shut him out and treat him like she hates him.

So in response to a future that hasn’t happened, he fights with himself to keep the relationship from consuming him. Cutting off all actions, which would feel good to him too.

He feels if he complies with her wants and needs, he’ll lose himself. He finds everything available to distract him. Yet, he feels guilty and unfulfilled, all the time.

And it makes him even more distant.

More cut off.

He’s losing this love in his life for “no” current reason, except by sabotaging it to ensure he gets rid of someone who loves and understands him.

His compartments save him from fully feeling what he’s doing.

He’d rather think of himself as alone, instead of taking control of himself.

A person with compartments is outta control!

He could get out of his comfort zone and simply have fun with this love; uncontrolled, and unbridled with no limitations.

Instead, he lives in a constant state of anxiety, because compartments create a deep sense of unease.

The more compartments, the less settled and more isolated a person feels.

Vulnerability and being open create connection.

Compartments give a false sense of peace; it’s dead energy. It creates depression.

Compartments lead to repetitive thinking; no new thought takes place, because that means change would happen.

Remember as a kid, we ran free.

We didn’t have compartments weighing us down.

We were without limitations! We weren’t born this way, it’s something that can change.

Honesty is hard, because it requires vulnerability. And vulnerability is impossible to sustain with compartments. It comes in fits and starts and as quickly as it’s opened, it’s shut.

Single men and women who compartmentalize will attract others who cannot be fully vulnerable, open, trusting and loving too.

It’s a mirror.

It creates painful relationships, where one or both people feel unloved by the other. And again, the next relationship is over, before it’s started.

If you want love and HAPPINESS in your life; it’s time to drop the compartments.

What to do to stop the compartment craze?

As a recovering compartmentalizer and a coach, here are a few tips:

  1. Notice your resistance to another person. Why is it there? Is it something they did or something from the past?
  2. Evaluate your hypersensitivity to assumptions about people in your life or that you’ve just met. Are you already in defense mode, shoving your vulnerability into a box?
  3. Do you say “yes,” then something pops into your mind, scaring you and you quickly numb it out and change your mind? STOP. No second-guessing. When you say yes, stick with it even through the discomfort.
  4. Have you heard of emotional risks? Take some. You’ll survive even if disappointed.
  5. Communicate your numbness, aloneness, fears and areas where you ACT tough…being tough is not strength, it’s a mask for fear.
  6. It’s time to grow up emotionally. Hiding, numbing disappointment and hurt, blaming, disappearing or cutting off are child-like ways to deal. Face it head on; allow it. You’ll feel way more confident.
  7. Get out of your head, find the love in your body and take action from there. Let it scare you. Keep walking through to the other side…to where the living are having a good time.
  8. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Trust. Have faith. Remember life is an experience and if you aren’t getting back up and dusting yourself off to try again, you aren’t living your experience.
  9. Love, don’t fight it and invite it. Lose yourself in it.
  10. Control is fiction, compartments give a false sense of it, recognize the feeling. You can tell, because your reactions to someone or something are measured and controlled. Remember it masks weakness, so lose the control and aim for authenticity in all situations.

Email me if you’d like to discuss: Tracy@tracycrossley.com