The Curse Of Intelligence

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Living in your head, ‘intellectually’ got it all figured out. You know what’s coming, because you get the nuances life has to offer….and know what each situation calls for in response.

It’s not a fun way to live; there’s rare surprises and even rarer variation from the rigidity of holding to the way you do things (and the when). With the complex rule book in your head, you don’t even know why you hold tight, it just seems right.

Yeah…right in your comfort zone.

Right, so nothing can hurt you, get under your skin or perhaps take you off ‘perceived’ balance.

It’s why so many smart people are single or stay in crappy relationships or even have an okay relationship while giving the sheen of a perfect life.

I can relate.

I’m not a dating expert or coach. I’ve been a mix of a love coach (learning to love oneself), empowerment (in control of one’s emotional state) and relationship coach (teaching people it’s within their power to change a relationship or at least have a different experience of it).

I share, it took me a long while to understand where a coach could help me change my life too. I’m very self-aware, intelligent and always looking within, but I still miss so much–obviously, otherwise my life would look different.

I have a business coach. And now, I’m hiring a dating coach. To help me, like I help others to get the flashlight out and shine a light on my intellectualizing, keeping me from getting real, vulnerable and open.

I’ve seen my fear lately.

I see it lurking and I’m starting to unravel this veil. It’s deeper. I’ve worked this area before. Re-visiting the same stuff, in a different way, but once again it’s a deep dive.

Smart people y’all are your own worst enemy trying to control everyone and everything with smoke and mirrors, which aren’t fooling anyone.

Do you ever find yourself intellectualizing others’ emotions?

Or not wanting to have others witness you crying or looking vulnerable? Believing if you appear strong, everything looking good on the outside, that you or anybody else never has to look inside too deeply (The world will assume you’re okay, so they’ll never ask). We can leave the scary monsters alone.

It’s a lonely, empty and unfulfilling place to live. The intellect doesn’t feed you or anyone else emotionally, it keeps you distant.

In my biz, I speak to many individuals appearing to have their shit totally together, by giving the right intellectual answers to the questions (What emotions? What issues? You have none?). Fortunately, for them, I was one of those people too; I call bullshit on it and get deeper–so their lives change.

Point is, we all need help, or we never really move off our dime.

After coming off my own high horse in the realm of seeking help (because I’m very self-aware) if I don’t commit to someone helping me, things will stay the same. Stale. Boring. Predictable and completely cut off from a life I dream about and am now more courageous than afraid to claim.

No thank you to attracting the same kind of guy, that’s a one-way ticket to hell. Yet, I don’t feel bad, or as though I’m fatally flawed, or anything horrible. I just see my reality, and that I’m the common denominator. I’m single and it’s not tragic, BUT I’ve been unable on my own to achieve my aforementioned dream. So, there must be a mental construct buried needing to come to light.

Smart people can stay stuck for years.

Our lives may not be horrible or unmanageable, but we manipulate ourselves into believing the bullshit we feed others, about how we appear to the rest of the world. Buying into our own story will keep us in it for the rest of our lives.

An example of a story, it’s wanting to stay angry, blaming someone else (especially a parent), holding an intellectual wall holding in place, so you don’t have to be vulnerable or be accountable. It’s old protection from being hurt as a child.

That story of another being a bad or good person is part of what those who intellectualize bring into the carefully constructed persona, in essence we victimize ourselves and remain powerless to change it, as long as we stay in our intellect.

Intellectualizing around dating, career, relationships or anything where feeling (our gut) should be in place, will never allow us to deeply connect with the world. Everything remains at the surface and those patterns tougher to break.

Got anxiety? Depression? Stress and feel overwhelmed? Waiting for a dysfunctional situation to be functional?

You’re in your head.

To be in your intellect is to live in a cocoon, to be busy showing everyone you’re okay and that you have all the answers; pushing away anything threatening the image and to feel dreadfully alone (even in a relationship).

It’s such a waste of time, we’re meant to be living LARGE! Emotionally and spiritually connected, getting uncomfortable as we move toward our dreams!

I’ll let you know how my dating coach adventure goes, because I’m committed to change. How about you? Ready for change? If you’re interested in what I offer in taking a deep dive within, please set up a discovery session.

Click here for the appointment.

 

What is Your Life Purpose?

I am sharing this based on a question I recently received. I feel so many things are thrown at us and we are always struggling with the answers. Am I living my life on purpose? Is this my mission? Is this all there is? And so on.

So, as I sat writing the other day, I took a break for a few minutes to record this video, which answers the question: What is Your Life Purpose? 🙂

Radical LOVE!!!!

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I recently wrote a post about how we attract others exactly where we’re at with ourselves.

“Let’s say your total love capacity is 60 gallons and only 20 gallons of that is love for yourself. You will attract someone else who is about 20 gallons of love.”

This is why self-love is radical love. It’s what makes the difference.

I’ve been spending a lot of my time loving me and radically changing the relationship I have with myself. I’ve been on the path for years, but it really didn’t click for me until I saw something in my relationships and those of my clients.

Most people have about 20-25 gallons or less of self-love within them, the rest is covered by fear or ego.

There’s a misconception that finding the right partner will make all the difference.

I don’t see how it can, because we’re the holders of our perception. We decide what we believe. If we have beliefs about ourselves that are highly negative, we’re probably holding about 10 gallons of self-love. How can we even expect that will change with the inclusion of someone else in our lives?

The statement, “wherever you go there you are,” applies to relationships too. Sooner or later the honeymoon phase wears off and if you have two people not loving themselves, where’s the love to give and where’s the opening to receive?

If I’ve no space to receive, which is what I use to attract: others who didn’t feel good enough to receive either, then what was I giving? The little bits and pieces I had to give came with a lot of attachment. I couldn’t give love freely, because I was practically starving from the lack of it myself.

The space to receive was nonexistent; it was filled with fear and waiting for someone to prove their worth, but of course that can’t happen when we’re both standing in the way of loving ourselves first. It’s like we believe someone else has to show us we’re lovable, except that never works!

We think something is wrong with someone who may show us love for no apparent reason. Some of us also think we need to compete in an MMA fight or some other suffering punishment before we feel we deserve some lovin’.

Recently, I was out walking, feeling connected to my joy—nature.

I was thinking about all the ways I started showing up differently for myself; from my use of language, to how I spend my time.

All the ways I’ve changed my level of self-love have started to show a return and while I was walking, I thought of the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I’ve watched it a million times. I’ve always liked the message.

Imagine my surprise when I came home and turned my TV on (a rarity) and there it was: Eat, Pray, Love playing not once, but twice in a row on the tube!

I found myself fascinated by the difference in my perception of the movie. I totally connected with her journey to self-love and not wanting to lose what she found.

I get it! I feel it!

I felt her meditation in Bali and later, her real fear of losing herself in a relationship. I loved it. I love that she discovered radical love! It shows it has nothing to do with another person.

Now, clearly most of us need more than an extended vacation on three different continents, but the gist is this little nugget: if you want big love, show yourself radical ways of love.

A few pointers:

1. Remove beliefs that no longer serve you when it comes to loving you. You deserve everything you want.

2. Release pent up emotions. I’m talking about old, old stuff. Whatever you have stuffed down, throw it up!

3. Look in the mirror and say, I love you (fill in your name). Do this once a day—it’s awkward at first, but watch what happens after a week. (I do and it makes a huge difference.)

4. Don’t ruminate over mistakes. Everyone makes them, so stop beating yourself up.

5. Don’t participate in drama. Seriously, another person’s instability is not yours to own, so release it. If they need a shoulder, be clear with your boundaries.

6. Oh yeah: have boundaries and stick to em’.

7. Do not deprive yourself of anything you truly want. Once you believe you deserve it, then treat yourself kindly and allow.

8. Accept yourself fully, completely, radically! Every bit of you: all of the zigs, zags and everything in between.

Those are just a few tips, but watch how radical love changes, who comes in and how you feel in your life.

You can also read this on elephant journal:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/radical-love/

PS–stay tune as this is part of my second new coaching program called: 5 Keys TO ATTRACTING BIG LOVE!!!

I’m not good enough yet…

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I’m not good enough to have the best relationship for me…I have a lot of work to do.

I’m not good enough to have someone really love me, because I am still building my career, my finances, my dreams, etc…

I’m not good enough to be married to my best friend, because I have a fatal flaw.

I’m not good enough for a committed relationship, because I’m broken.

I’m not good enough to be a partner in a healthy partnership, because I’ve been told I’m a loser (fill in the blank) And so on….

I hear this and variations of these words all the time.

The lack of confidence that we are enough, just as we are….that until we reach the pillars of perfection we’re unworthy of anything that FEELS GOOD!

We settle. Re-settle. Get stuck.

We’re too afraid to take a step out of a bad situation or hope it’ll get better.

We stay where we think it’s safe, but…yet….it feels crappy.

When we wake up each day, whether we’re alone or in a non-fulfilling relationship there is probably an aching emptiness, a feeling of doom/gloom or anxiety…..all in facing another day stuck without the life we really want to live. And stuck without who we’d really LOVE to be living it with!!

Why do we allow those old beliefs, these feelings of comparing ourselves to a state of perfection that doesn’t exist?

FEAR.

Fear of getting involved with someone who we feel connected to and good with, but believe one of the following will happen:

  • disappointment
  • rejection
  • failure
  • being just as miserable as we are here/now

So, here’s the thing (my clients laugh, because I always say this statement):

Self-acceptance is the key.

What else?

Rooting out those old beliefs in how we got here is the most important part. When we locate those old beliefs in our subconscious and recognize how they planted themselves there in the first place…we create miracles.

I have done this and do this process whenever I feel stuck, I locate the belief, I see WHY I created it in the first place…I then see all the times in my life that I re-created scenarios, so I could live in that fearful belief and I let it limit me.

If we want life-altering and shifting perceptions….

Here is a tip:

Self acceptance means that perfection has no place in your life, period.

PAY ATTENTION to the voices in your head that criticize you,  tell you that you’re not good enough or say how could anyone love such a loser like you.

Catch those thoughts, find them physically in your body. They are attached to an emotion and a physical sensation. Where are they located?

Example: In your stomach. Like someone punched you in the gut.

When you locate the pain or discomfort, place your focus there…allow the feeling to grow. Let it overwhelm you. And then ask yourself the first time you felt that way?

Usually, it is somewhere in childhood. I had a client who would suffer from anxiety at the thought that they were going to be late for a job (they were self-employed) and show up empty-handed. He would be completely on edge that he would screw up in some way just by the way he showed up. Even though, he was always on time and went WAY over and above what was necessary for the client.

When he did discover through this exercise the belief he developed it changed everything. He realized that as a latchkey kid he felt unprepared for school all the time. His Mom never took him to the store for supplies and he was afraid to tell her that he had certain assignments due when he was in first grade.

He would end up in the office with no supplies, no completed assignment and feeling forlorn as he was also unkempt. He grew up never wanting to feel that shame and embarrassment again….

He overcompensated…and he also went the other direction. In his personal life he never showed up emotionally prepared, he always felt not good enough, and undeserving of someone who loved and respected him. He attracted women who criticized him and told him he was not good enough.

The story is longer, but it’s to give you the gist of the exercise, so that you can start discovering your own limiting beliefs.

Start today and let me know what you find out. I will be posting info this week about my new teleseminar series…so stay tuned!

People who live in Compartments

Live in fear.

Many unknowingly, stuff emotions, people or situations into compartments.

They focus on something else, whether it’s work, exercise or drinking oneself to death to keep these finely constructed walls in place.

The false sense of protection and strength of their compartments masks the weakness and true desires of a person.

Compartments affect a person emotionally, spiritually and physically.

No one is fully open as long as compartments are the daily operating system.

Joy is never fully experienced. Sorrow is consuming.

It seems safe.

A person believes they’re protected, not realizing numbness, anger or resentment are what decorates their compartments.

They live in a state of reaction about something, which hasn’t yet transpired. It creates the circumstances that a compartmentalizer most fears: LOSS.

It’s the weakest state of operating in this life.

This person cannot make an authentic decision, because they strategize the conclusion.

Their decisions are unconsciously based on the question: “Will I have to deal with disappointment?” Forget that! Their defenses are READY on warp-speed.

They won’t be fooled this time! When looking at the future they’ve a false sense of control.

They may not recognize their unhappiness comes from blocking love.

There’s a man I know who allows everything to distract him, on purpose.

If he has to do something he doesn’t like, or it makes him feel vulnerable, it goes in a compartment. Then a mindless task takes over his mind.

And when the woman in his life needs him, instead of being responsive, communicative and allowing himself to feel good participating in fulfilling her need, he does the opposite.

On purpose. Even though he loves her and says he wants to help.

It’s drama. 

Anyone who has a compartmentalizer in their life, probably feels at the mercy of the games this person plays, because their actions and words rarely match.  

“I want to be with you, but I am going to treat you in a way that makes you leave me.”

This man wants to show up as a caring person; he just doesn’t trust himself.

It’s a byproduct of his fear.

He’s paralyzed by his compartments.

He’s too afraid of the relationship failing in the future. Once he’s invested himself fully, he believes she’ll leave him. After all, his marriage fell apart, his estranged wife hates him, so why would this last?

He can’t believe this woman, who he loves deeply, will stay with him. He thinks she’ll get sick of him, find all his flaws and abandon him or worse shut him out and treat him like she hates him.

So in response to a future that hasn’t happened, he fights with himself to keep the relationship from consuming him. Cutting off all actions, which would feel good to him too.

He feels if he complies with her wants and needs, he’ll lose himself. He finds everything available to distract him. Yet, he feels guilty and unfulfilled, all the time.

And it makes him even more distant.

More cut off.

He’s losing this love in his life for “no” current reason, except by sabotaging it to ensure he gets rid of someone who loves and understands him.

His compartments save him from fully feeling what he’s doing.

He’d rather think of himself as alone, instead of taking control of himself.

A person with compartments is outta control!

He could get out of his comfort zone and simply have fun with this love; uncontrolled, and unbridled with no limitations.

Instead, he lives in a constant state of anxiety, because compartments create a deep sense of unease.

The more compartments, the less settled and more isolated a person feels.

Vulnerability and being open create connection.

Compartments give a false sense of peace; it’s dead energy. It creates depression.

Compartments lead to repetitive thinking; no new thought takes place, because that means change would happen.

Remember as a kid, we ran free.

We didn’t have compartments weighing us down.

We were without limitations! We weren’t born this way, it’s something that can change.

Honesty is hard, because it requires vulnerability. And vulnerability is impossible to sustain with compartments. It comes in fits and starts and as quickly as it’s opened, it’s shut.

Single men and women who compartmentalize will attract others who cannot be fully vulnerable, open, trusting and loving too.

It’s a mirror.

It creates painful relationships, where one or both people feel unloved by the other. And again, the next relationship is over, before it’s started.

If you want love and HAPPINESS in your life; it’s time to drop the compartments.

What to do to stop the compartment craze?

As a recovering compartmentalizer and a coach, here are a few tips:

  1. Notice your resistance to another person. Why is it there? Is it something they did or something from the past?
  2. Evaluate your hypersensitivity to assumptions about people in your life or that you’ve just met. Are you already in defense mode, shoving your vulnerability into a box?
  3. Do you say “yes,” then something pops into your mind, scaring you and you quickly numb it out and change your mind? STOP. No second-guessing. When you say yes, stick with it even through the discomfort.
  4. Have you heard of emotional risks? Take some. You’ll survive even if disappointed.
  5. Communicate your numbness, aloneness, fears and areas where you ACT tough…being tough is not strength, it’s a mask for fear.
  6. It’s time to grow up emotionally. Hiding, numbing disappointment and hurt, blaming, disappearing or cutting off are child-like ways to deal. Face it head on; allow it. You’ll feel way more confident.
  7. Get out of your head, find the love in your body and take action from there. Let it scare you. Keep walking through to the other side…to where the living are having a good time.
  8. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Trust. Have faith. Remember life is an experience and if you aren’t getting back up and dusting yourself off to try again, you aren’t living your experience.
  9. Love, don’t fight it and invite it. Lose yourself in it.
  10. Control is fiction, compartments give a false sense of it, recognize the feeling. You can tell, because your reactions to someone or something are measured and controlled. Remember it masks weakness, so lose the control and aim for authenticity in all situations.

Email me if you’d like to discuss: Tracy@tracycrossley.com

Teaching People How to Treat Us

Got a complaint? See the round file to the left.

Words.

Words used to convey displeasure with no solution, become words with no meaning.

It’s almost like the drone of ocean waves on your radio, lulling you into a coma. Except when you complain with the hope of change happening, the drone upsets and creates “defensive” drama rather than calm.

Don’t like drama?

Hmmm.

We create it by our response to it, even if it doesn’t begin with us.

Many of us find ourselves in situations at work or our personal life in which we feel confined or flat out, we feel miserable. Sometimes we feel the only strength we have is the power to complain.

And stay stuck.

And continue to teach people it’s okay to treat us in a certain way, which may be disrespectful of our needs, our time or our value.

And no amount of complaining to the source or our friends or family will change the dynamic. 

We find these scenarios over and over again, until we take responsibility and say STOP.

We stop ourselves from the din of our own voice repeating the same thing over and over.

We stop moving backwards and we stand still.

The realization has hit us between the eyes.

Today we understand how much power we have been giving away.

This dawning allows us to see clearly.

We are aware of three reasons we are so angry. The first reason is from our own expectations that a situation or a person should change without us changing too.

And the second reason we are angry, is that it doesn’t change. Our belief that if we were nice, accommodating or silent it would get us what we want; except it NEVER DOES. And so that anger we have basted, stewed and have trouble containing is turned inward on ourselves.

And anger at the self is manifested into some lovely habits of denial, compartmentalizing and numbing out. Some activities, support the numbing, whether it is over-eating, drinking, gambling, shopping or anything which becomes unhealthy, because of the reasons behind it.

And all the while, you may have the veneer that you are just fine. Except you are not.

The third reason is we’re completely lost as to why we allow this dynamic to keep happening in our lives (Part of my job is to help others see the pattern within clearly).

When we allow behaviors, and negative situations to happen, but wait for a miracle, we are abusing ourselves in anticipation of, again, something outside of us changing.

There is no empowerment in trying to control what you CANNOT in your external world.

There’s always a choice, sometimes this choice makes you the most uncomfortable. It’s the one that you put off, put aside and try to avoid and it’s the one you need to choose for your own welfare.

Today you begin. You connect the dots; you see your part as the lead actor in your own play. It is sort of exciting, because it’s a major opportunity.

You get to change your mind, make decisions and do the right thing for you.

I’ve learned in my own life that even though I may be in a precarious position, one in which I need money, love, friendship, work, etc….I have to GIVE UP the need that is killing me!! If I stay ALLOWING my feelings, boundaries, wants and needs to get trampled, I am stuck!

Even though standing for myself is SOOOO hard, it’s actually simpler and happier in the long run.

Everyone is then clear on what I accept, when I act respectful toward myself.

When I do make a different decision, sometimes loss is inevitable. Other times, I receive a major surprise. When making a decision for ME, I’m prepared for there to be a loss and to accept whatever the outcome is in the situation.

When you stop accepting shitty behavior, which doesn’t happen through your words of complaint, people either go away or start to treat you with respect.

Your external actions, non-engagement and change of attitude are what lead you out of this crapp-a-licious pattern.

Your internal recognition of you are the creator of your Universe is important to embrace. It’s up to you, to look at the “feelings” and “emotional obstacles” you’ve placed inside your mind, which make you BELIEVE you DESERVE misery and not happiness.

We tell ourselves some mighty fine stories as to why we stay in a victim or martyr position, thinkin’ we’re doing the right thing for ourselves or someone else…we think it’s the ONLY way.

IT’S NOT!!!

It’s the choice we’re used to making in our lives. When we don’t look inside , but stay focused on the problem outside of us; we don’t get to the root of the issue. This causes pain everyday. EVERYDAY.

I work with clients all the time, who cannot seem to get a handle on a situation. They look at the problem rather than how they are the common denominator in the recurring theme.

Once they start to see their part in the soap opera, a change happens. They see their “story” that they created to keep them living in this limited world.

It’s always an old story from the long ago past.

When teaching people how to treat you, it comes from you treating yourself better. There is no need to be protective or manipulative or victimized.

It’s your change of perception, which changes EVERYTHING.

You no longer see the world through old filters from the LIMITED old story.

You start to set boundaries down with people, even when you’re afraid they can abandon you….and AMAZINGLY, instead of it harming you, it creates confidence and self-esteem.

Well-being becomes the norm for you, when you stop participating in a drama that harms you. If you are interested in chatting with me about this topic, please email me at Tracy@tracycrossley.com

The newest addition to my coaching practice

Hi everyone,

I hope you are doing great today! I decided to start creating short videos that offer tips, which you can apply to YOUR life, right now! These tips will help you to be more aware of yourself and what you do, it’s the start of creating change in your life. This change will lead you to fulfilling success and happiness. Please email me at Tracy@tracycrossley.com on suggestions for topics.

You can also find my videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/Natureof13

Here’s my quick Tip for this week.

What do ya wanna do?

How often are you in the midst of a conversation with someone and the words, “I wanna do that someday,” come dribbling out, either as an exclamation or with poignancy as though that SOMEDAY may never come.

Guess what? More often than not, it won’t come. It’ll stay stuck in recesses of your mental filing cabinet under “fantasy; wish I could, wish I might; or I don’t have the gumption to get up and boogie!”

Reasons vary as to why the “someday” stays in the future, never becoming present.

It could be you are waiting for the stars to align and the perfect circumstances to pop up?

Or it seems so out of reach from your day to day responsibilities?

Or you feel you are too old, or “too anything” to even make it happen.

It’s almost like waiting for a magical moment when the Easter Bunny brings you a basket of what you need….and we all know that ain’t gonna happen.

Many times all these thoughts are straight from the valley of fear. What if I fail? Or, I say I want to be a ballerina, but do I really “feel” like I want to be that dancer?

Sometimes we have an expectation that the thing we want someday is what “we are supposed” to want, not what “we actually want.” And when we awaken to our truest and deepest desires, we may find we have been going down an unfulfilling path for quite a long time.

I say to my clients, find the creativity within, it is the seed to be sown to growing the beanstalk of your life to reach the clouds above where your dreams manifest.

Don’t wait.

Waiting is for those who play it safe (and safe is an illusion), resist change and find themselves constantly able to talk their self right out of living life on their own terms.

What is someday? Another present moment, when another someday is looked toward. When does someday become the present moment? When you make it happen!!!!

I have written a downloadable mini-pocket guide, that I will start posting this week-end. The price is 2.99 and it is called “10 Minutes to Your Rockin’ Life.” It will be available on Amazon with links here and elsewhere, stay tuned….

And the reason I mention it in this post. If I kept waiting for that someday to appear with the perfect circumstances to write such a guide, I’d still be in a state of repose.

Life constantly changes, it doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. You have to jump on board, take a leap of faith, find your heart’s desire and LIVE IT NOW!

And what I find most fascinating is when you start to really live for yourself, certain things become easier and you complete things that you left unfinished for years.

It is amazing to watch yourself feel confident, good and whole taking on things that used to weigh you down. And that is what happens when you are living your life doing what really makes YOU happy.

One of my clients has a talent for writing fiction. He never finished writing a single story until recently. He stopped analyzing, criticizing and beating up his own work. He just decided he felt he had a story or three in him and saw it through. He stopped waiting for someday and let me say, his short story is AWESOME!!! It leaves you wanting more!!

So, take a step onto the wild side, try something you have been holding off doing and make it happen now. See how you feel and get used to it, because the more often you do what you love, the more often your days will have a special zing to them!

Please check out my website for all the latest information. http://www.tracycrossley.com

BE WELL!

How do you change your life?

That’s a BIG question we all seem to ask at one point or another in our lifetime. Wanting change and creating change can be miles apart. How do we bridge the chasm?

First, we should be clear on what a few of our goals are that we yearn to accomplish for ourselves. Creating true change requires us to understand WHY we want to achieve specific goals in the first place. What is the motivation behind the goal?

I was talking to a man this past week-end at a party. He asked what I did for a living. He then proceeded to tell me how he had a life coach a few years back and it helped him to attain a few goals. He continued to share by telling me his current goals: losing weight, exercising, getting into a relationship and sticking with a vegan regime.

Those are great goals! I asked him what his motivation was to achieve his new goals.  He stated his motivation was his exasperation of being alone, which elicited his need to be healthier to “deserve”a partner. He was also concerned about his weight for health reasons and wanted to lead by example by showing his daughter he would adopt this new healthy lifestyle.

A lifestyle change is a big one for most people. “DESERVING” is our biggest impediment. We don’t just wake up one day and *poof* we are ensconced in our current lifestyle! Oh no, we had the help of our old beliefs and patterns in determining what we “deserve”.

If we really want to change our lives…it requires quite a bit of awareness or having reached a point where your current lifestyle is untenable. Many people get to the point of living in such misery or hit rock bottom that the only choice appears to be “change“. But, how to do it?

Well… after identifying goals and your motivation, next on the list would be locating the origin or seed of your goal. Did the goal take root from your heart and soul; an authentic desire in support of “who you are” or is it a goal derived in your head; an expectation or some other “I must do this to be okay or I will never accept myself goal?” The sustainability of accomplishing and living your goal lies in the answer to that question.

When we are truly connected to living a fulfilling existence in whatever we endeavor, it DOES matter as to whether the goal is on the level of deep within us or on the surface or EVEN outside of us. And the goals outside of US will NEVER bring us fulfillment.

It also matters if we crave it, because we will be accepted, feel normal, stop beating our less than perfect selves up or feel we have “arrived?” If it is your deepest motivation to live a life YOU love, then your goals need to match “the love” not the infatuation.

If I realize that I want to be married; I need to understand where that idea originates within me. Do I want to be married just so I am not alone, people will accept me and not see me as defective or some other negative perception? Or is it because I really want to reach the fullest expression of who I am and do it in partnership with my best friend and life partner?

The next question is what are you doing right now to support and achieve those goals? Are my actions in alignment with “what I say I want?” Are my goals truly sustainable once I accomplish them? Do I need participation from particular people in reaching for the stars?

Action is a great pattern-breaker. Taking opposite action when you least feel interested in popping out of your inertia aka your comfort zone is an amazing pattern crusher!! I know when I feel low energy, doom and gloom or wondering if things will ever change (I find the following saying appropriate: how do I expect different results when I keep doing the same thing?), I MUST be inspired to do the most difficult thing ever…move “toward” my goal.

That is the meaning behind actions in alignment with your goal. If you say you want happiness and fulfillment, but constantly take actions which make you suffer, sad or anything else which doesn’t resemble the “words” used to describe your objective…then STOP, right there. Punishment or abuse does not lead to happiness. That is a misnomer. And to LIVE a goal from authenticity, means you MUST take positive action. Don’t talk yourself out of it or find reasons to stay miserable.

And really, if you are looking to other people to all of a sudden turn from a “resistor” into a supportive person, you are waiting for the 12th of never. Other people have their own agenda. And their goals may not be in alignment with you want or if they are in alignment, they may have a different idea as to what that picture looks like.

Sometimes we think we MUST chain ourselves to something really unpleasant to achieve a goal.

It is really a statement of missing the truth of what we truly want, but more so it shows what we believe we deserve. It is time to trek back to our “belief system”. The secrets about our motivation, self-sabotage and limitations are all there waiting to be uncovered.

Why would anyone believe that making themselves suffer is ever for the greater good of any goal? No one outside of you recognizes your charitable suffering. No one will ever thank you enough or have an appropriate amount of gratitude to assuage the pain for what we sacrifice. WHY? Because NO ONE wants that responsibility. Seriously, if I found someone sacrificing their happiness for me, I would ask them to stop now. There is nothing genuine or noble in the act of sacrificing for another…it again shows how little we believe we deserve happiness.

Our happiness and fulfillment come from “moving through” our journey to the goal. Even if you embrace a difficult goal, when it is from “your truth“, the inherent obstacles and challenges don’t cause you to sacrifice or suffer emotionally.  It is a HUGE pattern to break, because of the belief behind it….but, when you do find how useless suffering for others or an ideal in your mind is, you have then recognized a way to your TRUE goals.

These questions are a starting place to changing your life.

It is also a great idea to surround yourself or at least have one person who supports you as you reach for the stars. It is an even greater idea to have someone in your life who remains true to your quest; holding you to taking new action in seizing onto a blissful moonbeam and travelling the  journey, we all can use the help!

Healthy in The Heart

I have come to the conclusion that emotionally, I am pretty healthy, happy and content. And I wanted to share a bit about my journey with changing beliefs.

I’ve made that statement at various times in my life, but it was more an intellectual disclaimer in the past rather than a true sense of well-being. 

I can remember when I started going to therapy during my divorce. When I look back it was an intellectual pursuit.

I intellectually knew what was expected, but emotionally, a very large wall of numbness and vagueness separated me from how I was operating in my life. There was no connection between the two. My therapist became like a mother to me; she and I developed a friendship. She felt I was one of her kids. We stayed in contact until she died of cancer eight years ago.

She believed I was emotionally, okay. We never once looked at my patterns or beliefs that kept me stuck in un-gratifying relationships and situations. I had no idea about this until I met another therapist, on my first visit she told me I was too evolved and didn’t know if she could help me.

Yep! I am one smart cookie!

I knew exactly what to say, so in effect I was canceling out any opportunity for legitimate help. She tried a couple of CBT exercises, but since I still had no awareness that it was my beliefs and patterns keeping me stuck, we parted ways as friends too.

The process of working with transformative materials, coaches, mentors and my training came along when I was ready to open the door to clarity with my emotions. I was ready to sit with pain, understand why I believed what I do and take action with different choices in the present.

I am legitimately positive about my life and where it is going “most of the time”. It comes through small realizations each day. Mostly, it is my clarity in what I believe I deserve for myself.

I still have off days and off moments; I am human and when things seem to be stuck resembling past moments or not moving in a direction I want; I can throw a pity party with the best of em’.

We all make choices and how we decide to show up in our lives, is a choice. How we treat people, including our self, is a choice. I listen to people speak as though they have been possessed emotionally by something beyond their control when it comes to how they handle life, they don’t realize they have a choice. I used to be in this category too. And any time I find myself swept up in an emotion, I can be assured its roots are in my past.

We ALWAYS have the chance to not sabotage our dreams, if we stop and look at the choices we are making right now.

What is the “thought” behind the choice? Most people are not even aware of why they make these choices; they are lead by a feeling or an old experience (we can call it auto-pilot) when making choices in the present.

We always have the opportunity to make a different choice, one that leads to fulfillment. Emotionally committing to fulfillment is a “both feet in” sort of thing.

I have made the choice to hold my breath as I plunge into the deep end, swimming that channel toward fulfillment, daily.  And when I come up for air, I realize the value and well-being I possess grow stronger as I become more vulnerable and take risks.

Well-being isn’t showing up saying, “I only think positive thoughts.” That is not healthy, because it is not true. We think all sorts of thoughts; it is whether we follow any of our thoughts with action, positive or negative.

I embrace having healthy people in my life.  It doesn’t mean our relationship is problem free; it means there is a sense of showing up, care through words/actions and fulfillment. Fence sitting is not an option.  If someone shows up or is into me, its clear. When it’s vague, it doesn’t support my happiness and needs, it does not fulfill me at all. I am all about people who are committed to their happiness and mine, whether they are a friend or mate.

This comes after having believed for a long time that my needs being ignored was okay. I felt I deserved to be punished for some long ago misdeed. I beat myself up over the failure of my marriage. I created various situations, which reflected what a horrible person I really felt I was for not sticking around.  I don’t believe this anymore; I recognize the biggest cost in being stuck emotionally was my own love and my happiness; it feels good to have found courage to not be stuck in the quicksand of my own misery.

I used to believe I was needy or pushy by asking or wanting fulfillment in a relationship. I was not needy or pushy; I was just fulfilling a belief that I was undeserving and not worthy. I unconsciously sought out people who felt this way about themselves, so I could re-confirm this belief.

Intellectually in the past, like I said, I knew this dynamic was unhealthy. I felt unworthy or undeserving for someone to put effort out from the heart. Now it is quite the opposite.

I thought normal was for someone to withhold from me. I was withheld from as a child and so it “felt” normal to be ignored, live in a push/pull dynamic and made to feel what I wanted was unimportant—it was instead a battleground or tug o’ war.

I no longer feel this is “normal”, which is a miracle. And if anyone endures poor treatment, you should ask yourself “In what ways am I not being kind to myself?”

As we discard old beliefs about ourselves, we shouldn’t be hasty. Often times we need to sit with the dysfunction and take new action, until we reach a point of clarity and resolution. I’ve shared these examples, because I believe many people feel some or all of these limiting beliefs.

If you are interested in learning more on living your life fully and beyond any sort of limitation, email me, I’d be happy to chat! Tracy@13degreez.com