The Curse Of Intelligence

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Living in your head, ‘intellectually’ got it all figured out. You know what’s coming, because you get the nuances life has to offer….and know what each situation calls for in response.

It’s not a fun way to live; there’s rare surprises and even rarer variation from the rigidity of holding to the way you do things (and the when). With the complex rule book in your head, you don’t even know why you hold tight, it just seems right.

Yeah…right in your comfort zone.

Right, so nothing can hurt you, get under your skin or perhaps take you off ‘perceived’ balance.

It’s why so many smart people are single or stay in crappy relationships or even have an okay relationship while giving the sheen of a perfect life.

I can relate.

I’m not a dating expert or coach. I’ve been a mix of a love coach (learning to love oneself), empowerment (in control of one’s emotional state) and relationship coach (teaching people it’s within their power to change a relationship or at least have a different experience of it).

I share, it took me a long while to understand where a coach could help me change my life too. I’m very self-aware, intelligent and always looking within, but I still miss so much–obviously, otherwise my life would look different.

I have a business coach. And now, I’m hiring a dating coach. To help me, like I help others to get the flashlight out and shine a light on my intellectualizing, keeping me from getting real, vulnerable and open.

I’ve seen my fear lately.

I see it lurking and I’m starting to unravel this veil. It’s deeper. I’ve worked this area before. Re-visiting the same stuff, in a different way, but once again it’s a deep dive.

Smart people y’all are your own worst enemy trying to control everyone and everything with smoke and mirrors, which aren’t fooling anyone.

Do you ever find yourself intellectualizing others’ emotions?

Or not wanting to have others witness you crying or looking vulnerable? Believing if you appear strong, everything looking good on the outside, that you or anybody else never has to look inside too deeply (The world will assume you’re okay, so they’ll never ask). We can leave the scary monsters alone.

It’s a lonely, empty and unfulfilling place to live. The intellect doesn’t feed you or anyone else emotionally, it keeps you distant.

In my biz, I speak to many individuals appearing to have their shit totally together, by giving the right intellectual answers to the questions (What emotions? What issues? You have none?). Fortunately, for them, I was one of those people too; I call bullshit on it and get deeper–so their lives change.

Point is, we all need help, or we never really move off our dime.

After coming off my own high horse in the realm of seeking help (because I’m very self-aware) if I don’t commit to someone helping me, things will stay the same. Stale. Boring. Predictable and completely cut off from a life I dream about and am now more courageous than afraid to claim.

No thank you to attracting the same kind of guy, that’s a one-way ticket to hell. Yet, I don’t feel bad, or as though I’m fatally flawed, or anything horrible. I just see my reality, and that I’m the common denominator. I’m single and it’s not tragic, BUT I’ve been unable on my own to achieve my aforementioned dream. So, there must be a mental construct buried needing to come to light.

Smart people can stay stuck for years.

Our lives may not be horrible or unmanageable, but we manipulate ourselves into believing the bullshit we feed others, about how we appear to the rest of the world. Buying into our own story will keep us in it for the rest of our lives.

An example of a story, it’s wanting to stay angry, blaming someone else (especially a parent), holding an intellectual wall holding in place, so you don’t have to be vulnerable or be accountable. It’s old protection from being hurt as a child.

That story of another being a bad or good person is part of what those who intellectualize bring into the carefully constructed persona, in essence we victimize ourselves and remain powerless to change it, as long as we stay in our intellect.

Intellectualizing around dating, career, relationships or anything where feeling (our gut) should be in place, will never allow us to deeply connect with the world. Everything remains at the surface and those patterns tougher to break.

Got anxiety? Depression? Stress and feel overwhelmed? Waiting for a dysfunctional situation to be functional?

You’re in your head.

To be in your intellect is to live in a cocoon, to be busy showing everyone you’re okay and that you have all the answers; pushing away anything threatening the image and to feel dreadfully alone (even in a relationship).

It’s such a waste of time, we’re meant to be living LARGE! Emotionally and spiritually connected, getting uncomfortable as we move toward our dreams!

I’ll let you know how my dating coach adventure goes, because I’m committed to change. How about you? Ready for change? If you’re interested in what I offer in taking a deep dive within, please set up a discovery session.

Click here for the appointment.

 

What is Your Life Purpose?

I am sharing this based on a question I recently received. I feel so many things are thrown at us and we are always struggling with the answers. Am I living my life on purpose? Is this my mission? Is this all there is? And so on.

So, as I sat writing the other day, I took a break for a few minutes to record this video, which answers the question: What is Your Life Purpose? 🙂

Radical LOVE!!!!

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I recently wrote a post about how we attract others exactly where we’re at with ourselves.

“Let’s say your total love capacity is 60 gallons and only 20 gallons of that is love for yourself. You will attract someone else who is about 20 gallons of love.”

This is why self-love is radical love. It’s what makes the difference.

I’ve been spending a lot of my time loving me and radically changing the relationship I have with myself. I’ve been on the path for years, but it really didn’t click for me until I saw something in my relationships and those of my clients.

Most people have about 20-25 gallons or less of self-love within them, the rest is covered by fear or ego.

There’s a misconception that finding the right partner will make all the difference.

I don’t see how it can, because we’re the holders of our perception. We decide what we believe. If we have beliefs about ourselves that are highly negative, we’re probably holding about 10 gallons of self-love. How can we even expect that will change with the inclusion of someone else in our lives?

The statement, “wherever you go there you are,” applies to relationships too. Sooner or later the honeymoon phase wears off and if you have two people not loving themselves, where’s the love to give and where’s the opening to receive?

If I’ve no space to receive, which is what I use to attract: others who didn’t feel good enough to receive either, then what was I giving? The little bits and pieces I had to give came with a lot of attachment. I couldn’t give love freely, because I was practically starving from the lack of it myself.

The space to receive was nonexistent; it was filled with fear and waiting for someone to prove their worth, but of course that can’t happen when we’re both standing in the way of loving ourselves first. It’s like we believe someone else has to show us we’re lovable, except that never works!

We think something is wrong with someone who may show us love for no apparent reason. Some of us also think we need to compete in an MMA fight or some other suffering punishment before we feel we deserve some lovin’.

Recently, I was out walking, feeling connected to my joy—nature.

I was thinking about all the ways I started showing up differently for myself; from my use of language, to how I spend my time.

All the ways I’ve changed my level of self-love have started to show a return and while I was walking, I thought of the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I’ve watched it a million times. I’ve always liked the message.

Imagine my surprise when I came home and turned my TV on (a rarity) and there it was: Eat, Pray, Love playing not once, but twice in a row on the tube!

I found myself fascinated by the difference in my perception of the movie. I totally connected with her journey to self-love and not wanting to lose what she found.

I get it! I feel it!

I felt her meditation in Bali and later, her real fear of losing herself in a relationship. I loved it. I love that she discovered radical love! It shows it has nothing to do with another person.

Now, clearly most of us need more than an extended vacation on three different continents, but the gist is this little nugget: if you want big love, show yourself radical ways of love.

A few pointers:

1. Remove beliefs that no longer serve you when it comes to loving you. You deserve everything you want.

2. Release pent up emotions. I’m talking about old, old stuff. Whatever you have stuffed down, throw it up!

3. Look in the mirror and say, I love you (fill in your name). Do this once a day—it’s awkward at first, but watch what happens after a week. (I do and it makes a huge difference.)

4. Don’t ruminate over mistakes. Everyone makes them, so stop beating yourself up.

5. Don’t participate in drama. Seriously, another person’s instability is not yours to own, so release it. If they need a shoulder, be clear with your boundaries.

6. Oh yeah: have boundaries and stick to em’.

7. Do not deprive yourself of anything you truly want. Once you believe you deserve it, then treat yourself kindly and allow.

8. Accept yourself fully, completely, radically! Every bit of you: all of the zigs, zags and everything in between.

Those are just a few tips, but watch how radical love changes, who comes in and how you feel in your life.

You can also read this on elephant journal:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/radical-love/

PS–stay tune as this is part of my second new coaching program called: 5 Keys TO ATTRACTING BIG LOVE!!!

I’m not good enough yet…

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I’m not good enough to have the best relationship for me…I have a lot of work to do.

I’m not good enough to have someone really love me, because I am still building my career, my finances, my dreams, etc…

I’m not good enough to be married to my best friend, because I have a fatal flaw.

I’m not good enough for a committed relationship, because I’m broken.

I’m not good enough to be a partner in a healthy partnership, because I’ve been told I’m a loser (fill in the blank) And so on….

I hear this and variations of these words all the time.

The lack of confidence that we are enough, just as we are….that until we reach the pillars of perfection we’re unworthy of anything that FEELS GOOD!

We settle. Re-settle. Get stuck.

We’re too afraid to take a step out of a bad situation or hope it’ll get better.

We stay where we think it’s safe, but…yet….it feels crappy.

When we wake up each day, whether we’re alone or in a non-fulfilling relationship there is probably an aching emptiness, a feeling of doom/gloom or anxiety…..all in facing another day stuck without the life we really want to live. And stuck without who we’d really LOVE to be living it with!!

Why do we allow those old beliefs, these feelings of comparing ourselves to a state of perfection that doesn’t exist?

FEAR.

Fear of getting involved with someone who we feel connected to and good with, but believe one of the following will happen:

  • disappointment
  • rejection
  • failure
  • being just as miserable as we are here/now

So, here’s the thing (my clients laugh, because I always say this statement):

Self-acceptance is the key.

What else?

Rooting out those old beliefs in how we got here is the most important part. When we locate those old beliefs in our subconscious and recognize how they planted themselves there in the first place…we create miracles.

I have done this and do this process whenever I feel stuck, I locate the belief, I see WHY I created it in the first place…I then see all the times in my life that I re-created scenarios, so I could live in that fearful belief and I let it limit me.

If we want life-altering and shifting perceptions….

Here is a tip:

Self acceptance means that perfection has no place in your life, period.

PAY ATTENTION to the voices in your head that criticize you,  tell you that you’re not good enough or say how could anyone love such a loser like you.

Catch those thoughts, find them physically in your body. They are attached to an emotion and a physical sensation. Where are they located?

Example: In your stomach. Like someone punched you in the gut.

When you locate the pain or discomfort, place your focus there…allow the feeling to grow. Let it overwhelm you. And then ask yourself the first time you felt that way?

Usually, it is somewhere in childhood. I had a client who would suffer from anxiety at the thought that they were going to be late for a job (they were self-employed) and show up empty-handed. He would be completely on edge that he would screw up in some way just by the way he showed up. Even though, he was always on time and went WAY over and above what was necessary for the client.

When he did discover through this exercise the belief he developed it changed everything. He realized that as a latchkey kid he felt unprepared for school all the time. His Mom never took him to the store for supplies and he was afraid to tell her that he had certain assignments due when he was in first grade.

He would end up in the office with no supplies, no completed assignment and feeling forlorn as he was also unkempt. He grew up never wanting to feel that shame and embarrassment again….

He overcompensated…and he also went the other direction. In his personal life he never showed up emotionally prepared, he always felt not good enough, and undeserving of someone who loved and respected him. He attracted women who criticized him and told him he was not good enough.

The story is longer, but it’s to give you the gist of the exercise, so that you can start discovering your own limiting beliefs.

Start today and let me know what you find out. I will be posting info this week about my new teleseminar series…so stay tuned!

People who live in Compartments

Live in fear.

Many unknowingly, stuff emotions, people or situations into compartments.

They focus on something else, whether it’s work, exercise or drinking oneself to death to keep these finely constructed walls in place.

The false sense of protection and strength of their compartments masks the weakness and true desires of a person.

Compartments affect a person emotionally, spiritually and physically.

No one is fully open as long as compartments are the daily operating system.

Joy is never fully experienced. Sorrow is consuming.

It seems safe.

A person believes they’re protected, not realizing numbness, anger or resentment are what decorates their compartments.

They live in a state of reaction about something, which hasn’t yet transpired. It creates the circumstances that a compartmentalizer most fears: LOSS.

It’s the weakest state of operating in this life.

This person cannot make an authentic decision, because they strategize the conclusion.

Their decisions are unconsciously based on the question: “Will I have to deal with disappointment?” Forget that! Their defenses are READY on warp-speed.

They won’t be fooled this time! When looking at the future they’ve a false sense of control.

They may not recognize their unhappiness comes from blocking love.

There’s a man I know who allows everything to distract him, on purpose.

If he has to do something he doesn’t like, or it makes him feel vulnerable, it goes in a compartment. Then a mindless task takes over his mind.

And when the woman in his life needs him, instead of being responsive, communicative and allowing himself to feel good participating in fulfilling her need, he does the opposite.

On purpose. Even though he loves her and says he wants to help.

It’s drama. 

Anyone who has a compartmentalizer in their life, probably feels at the mercy of the games this person plays, because their actions and words rarely match.  

“I want to be with you, but I am going to treat you in a way that makes you leave me.”

This man wants to show up as a caring person; he just doesn’t trust himself.

It’s a byproduct of his fear.

He’s paralyzed by his compartments.

He’s too afraid of the relationship failing in the future. Once he’s invested himself fully, he believes she’ll leave him. After all, his marriage fell apart, his estranged wife hates him, so why would this last?

He can’t believe this woman, who he loves deeply, will stay with him. He thinks she’ll get sick of him, find all his flaws and abandon him or worse shut him out and treat him like she hates him.

So in response to a future that hasn’t happened, he fights with himself to keep the relationship from consuming him. Cutting off all actions, which would feel good to him too.

He feels if he complies with her wants and needs, he’ll lose himself. He finds everything available to distract him. Yet, he feels guilty and unfulfilled, all the time.

And it makes him even more distant.

More cut off.

He’s losing this love in his life for “no” current reason, except by sabotaging it to ensure he gets rid of someone who loves and understands him.

His compartments save him from fully feeling what he’s doing.

He’d rather think of himself as alone, instead of taking control of himself.

A person with compartments is outta control!

He could get out of his comfort zone and simply have fun with this love; uncontrolled, and unbridled with no limitations.

Instead, he lives in a constant state of anxiety, because compartments create a deep sense of unease.

The more compartments, the less settled and more isolated a person feels.

Vulnerability and being open create connection.

Compartments give a false sense of peace; it’s dead energy. It creates depression.

Compartments lead to repetitive thinking; no new thought takes place, because that means change would happen.

Remember as a kid, we ran free.

We didn’t have compartments weighing us down.

We were without limitations! We weren’t born this way, it’s something that can change.

Honesty is hard, because it requires vulnerability. And vulnerability is impossible to sustain with compartments. It comes in fits and starts and as quickly as it’s opened, it’s shut.

Single men and women who compartmentalize will attract others who cannot be fully vulnerable, open, trusting and loving too.

It’s a mirror.

It creates painful relationships, where one or both people feel unloved by the other. And again, the next relationship is over, before it’s started.

If you want love and HAPPINESS in your life; it’s time to drop the compartments.

What to do to stop the compartment craze?

As a recovering compartmentalizer and a coach, here are a few tips:

  1. Notice your resistance to another person. Why is it there? Is it something they did or something from the past?
  2. Evaluate your hypersensitivity to assumptions about people in your life or that you’ve just met. Are you already in defense mode, shoving your vulnerability into a box?
  3. Do you say “yes,” then something pops into your mind, scaring you and you quickly numb it out and change your mind? STOP. No second-guessing. When you say yes, stick with it even through the discomfort.
  4. Have you heard of emotional risks? Take some. You’ll survive even if disappointed.
  5. Communicate your numbness, aloneness, fears and areas where you ACT tough…being tough is not strength, it’s a mask for fear.
  6. It’s time to grow up emotionally. Hiding, numbing disappointment and hurt, blaming, disappearing or cutting off are child-like ways to deal. Face it head on; allow it. You’ll feel way more confident.
  7. Get out of your head, find the love in your body and take action from there. Let it scare you. Keep walking through to the other side…to where the living are having a good time.
  8. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Trust. Have faith. Remember life is an experience and if you aren’t getting back up and dusting yourself off to try again, you aren’t living your experience.
  9. Love, don’t fight it and invite it. Lose yourself in it.
  10. Control is fiction, compartments give a false sense of it, recognize the feeling. You can tell, because your reactions to someone or something are measured and controlled. Remember it masks weakness, so lose the control and aim for authenticity in all situations.

Email me if you’d like to discuss: Tracy@tracycrossley.com

Teaching People How to Treat Us

Got a complaint? See the round file to the left.

Words.

Words used to convey displeasure with no solution, become words with no meaning.

It’s almost like the drone of ocean waves on your radio, lulling you into a coma. Except when you complain with the hope of change happening, the drone upsets and creates “defensive” drama rather than calm.

Don’t like drama?

Hmmm.

We create it by our response to it, even if it doesn’t begin with us.

Many of us find ourselves in situations at work or our personal life in which we feel confined or flat out, we feel miserable. Sometimes we feel the only strength we have is the power to complain.

And stay stuck.

And continue to teach people it’s okay to treat us in a certain way, which may be disrespectful of our needs, our time or our value.

And no amount of complaining to the source or our friends or family will change the dynamic. 

We find these scenarios over and over again, until we take responsibility and say STOP.

We stop ourselves from the din of our own voice repeating the same thing over and over.

We stop moving backwards and we stand still.

The realization has hit us between the eyes.

Today we understand how much power we have been giving away.

This dawning allows us to see clearly.

We are aware of three reasons we are so angry. The first reason is from our own expectations that a situation or a person should change without us changing too.

And the second reason we are angry, is that it doesn’t change. Our belief that if we were nice, accommodating or silent it would get us what we want; except it NEVER DOES. And so that anger we have basted, stewed and have trouble containing is turned inward on ourselves.

And anger at the self is manifested into some lovely habits of denial, compartmentalizing and numbing out. Some activities, support the numbing, whether it is over-eating, drinking, gambling, shopping or anything which becomes unhealthy, because of the reasons behind it.

And all the while, you may have the veneer that you are just fine. Except you are not.

The third reason is we’re completely lost as to why we allow this dynamic to keep happening in our lives (Part of my job is to help others see the pattern within clearly).

When we allow behaviors, and negative situations to happen, but wait for a miracle, we are abusing ourselves in anticipation of, again, something outside of us changing.

There is no empowerment in trying to control what you CANNOT in your external world.

There’s always a choice, sometimes this choice makes you the most uncomfortable. It’s the one that you put off, put aside and try to avoid and it’s the one you need to choose for your own welfare.

Today you begin. You connect the dots; you see your part as the lead actor in your own play. It is sort of exciting, because it’s a major opportunity.

You get to change your mind, make decisions and do the right thing for you.

I’ve learned in my own life that even though I may be in a precarious position, one in which I need money, love, friendship, work, etc….I have to GIVE UP the need that is killing me!! If I stay ALLOWING my feelings, boundaries, wants and needs to get trampled, I am stuck!

Even though standing for myself is SOOOO hard, it’s actually simpler and happier in the long run.

Everyone is then clear on what I accept, when I act respectful toward myself.

When I do make a different decision, sometimes loss is inevitable. Other times, I receive a major surprise. When making a decision for ME, I’m prepared for there to be a loss and to accept whatever the outcome is in the situation.

When you stop accepting shitty behavior, which doesn’t happen through your words of complaint, people either go away or start to treat you with respect.

Your external actions, non-engagement and change of attitude are what lead you out of this crapp-a-licious pattern.

Your internal recognition of you are the creator of your Universe is important to embrace. It’s up to you, to look at the “feelings” and “emotional obstacles” you’ve placed inside your mind, which make you BELIEVE you DESERVE misery and not happiness.

We tell ourselves some mighty fine stories as to why we stay in a victim or martyr position, thinkin’ we’re doing the right thing for ourselves or someone else…we think it’s the ONLY way.

IT’S NOT!!!

It’s the choice we’re used to making in our lives. When we don’t look inside , but stay focused on the problem outside of us; we don’t get to the root of the issue. This causes pain everyday. EVERYDAY.

I work with clients all the time, who cannot seem to get a handle on a situation. They look at the problem rather than how they are the common denominator in the recurring theme.

Once they start to see their part in the soap opera, a change happens. They see their “story” that they created to keep them living in this limited world.

It’s always an old story from the long ago past.

When teaching people how to treat you, it comes from you treating yourself better. There is no need to be protective or manipulative or victimized.

It’s your change of perception, which changes EVERYTHING.

You no longer see the world through old filters from the LIMITED old story.

You start to set boundaries down with people, even when you’re afraid they can abandon you….and AMAZINGLY, instead of it harming you, it creates confidence and self-esteem.

Well-being becomes the norm for you, when you stop participating in a drama that harms you. If you are interested in chatting with me about this topic, please email me at Tracy@tracycrossley.com

The newest addition to my coaching practice

Hi everyone,

I hope you are doing great today! I decided to start creating short videos that offer tips, which you can apply to YOUR life, right now! These tips will help you to be more aware of yourself and what you do, it’s the start of creating change in your life. This change will lead you to fulfilling success and happiness. Please email me at Tracy@tracycrossley.com on suggestions for topics.

You can also find my videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/Natureof13

Here’s my quick Tip for this week.