Up close and personal with fear. Just one of many conversations I have had with “fear” as I move toward living in the result of accomplishing my dreams and goals.
Oh tis true fear; how I love thee, let me count thy ways.
I want to know and own all of my fear; name it and go through its tight constricting grip on my Universe of dreams to the other side…to where I’ve never been thanks to fear limiting my world.
Nickname all the fear, which is unclear, that comes to me as fleeting thoughts and making decisions at times without being in the present moment; I want it all unveiled now.
Asking myself so many questions, why am I in all of the current situations I find myself? Not to analyze every step mentally, but what is the feeling behind why I am here? What vehicle drove me to this location; on what road did I take? What is the draw, the benefit to my surroundings? What is the cost each day I stay in this place? Where was I conditioned to think I must overcome or fight this battle and win? What do I win?
Nothing outside of me is really a battle; it is a reflection of my inner world. The battle within, coupled with my inability to stay consistent, because fear is the driver. What if I take a wrong turn, re-visit an old rest stop or gulp…look weak not strong, stupid not smart or end up vulnerable and used?
The incapacitating feeling it creates; it restricts vulnerability and keeps me trapped…when it is so much easier to show my heart. That fear “thing”; I must put my toe in the water and be free!
Instead I sometimes draw a line in the sand with my head and close up my heart further…for me I decided awhile back, “the cycle needs to end once and for all”. And it has been a long journey away from my head and the fears within that small space.
I live in my heart more of the time than I ever did in the past, but it is not enough to allow me to touch the sky. At times, fear still manages to take the wheel and drive without my seeming knowledge or permission.
Today, I feel it. A major change happening within to pull me out of the outworn values and conditioning, self-limiting beliefs I feel restricted by…
Everything outside of me is a symbol; it only has the meaning and power I give to it, which depending on the circumstances remains a variable. A technique I use that partially rescinds fear from stopping me cold… is when I accept where I am emotionally. Not battling myself. I combine that technique with the knowing that I have to make distinct choices, which require different action.
Then I am stuck momentarily.
What are the different options available for a new decision? Good question.
And as I sit with my circumstances, digging deeper, asking “why”? I find being with the smallness in me starts to unravel the ties that bind me from my own light. I watch the iron clasps melt away like butterflies newborn on a summer day, as I go into my hell to be purified from the demon within that says “no” I am not worthy.
Its never just one area of my life, I’m the common cord… its all related.
So fear, we’ll start with developing a little consistency and commitment.
To be consistent; how do I treat me like I matter all the time? And in accordance; I seek a mirror, which reflects the consistency of treating myself with kindness and acknowledging my value. I am committed to show up for myself. And even if it is difficult, I will communicate honestly with me, stay committed and be supportive of my mistakes and weakness. This means I can’t run, hide or cut off from myself.
My approach needs mindfulness and awareness.
Even though awareness requires an elevated amount of attention to my inner life, it is much better than wallowing in a high level of discomfort, because I am STUCK.
In the mirror I seek in another human being, I know that whatever they reflect back to me positive or negative, it is what they feel about their own self too.
I want a kind, compassionate, forgiving, loving mirror reflected back to me…
So, I must be a kind compassionate, forgiving, loving being to me first.
How do I change my perception? I dig deeper to unveil the pain that keeps me trapped and makes me fearful.
And sometimes walking through your fear, you may notice it is still foggy yet heavy. And this when I ask the question; what is so old in me that I can’t give or receive from this place? Is it numb?
This is when I stay in this uncomfortable space, hunkered down feeling the heaviness, the fogginess…watching for an answer…where did this fear start and how is it true? (It never is by the way)
Time to REALLY commit, down on the mat…let’s go fear, c’mon, show me what you got…let’s go! Can I recognize all its insidious ways, those elusive feelings and thoughts; can I catch them with my butterfly net?
Keep moving through the fear, call it by name! Stay committed to unveiling the fear…
Its time to jump into the ring of fire—why not? I mean why not stay stuck like most others?
Well, for me I have a simple answer.
I want to live my dreams, reach my goals of true love, happiness and peace…not goals others set for me, but the ones that come from my heart and soul. The dreams which allow me to soar and be fulfilled…otherwise, I just drag along this “Facade or part of me which feels like it’s all too difficult. The empty shell who asks isn’t there a good show on TV to watch or someone’s else’s drama I can insert myself into so I don’t have to commit to this happiness?”
I don’t want to settle…and neither do the people who come to me as clients, we all want the full LIFE experience.
My favorite saying has been for years; “Wherever I go, there I am”. So no matter what distraction I get stuck on or what groovy move I think will lead to a new me…I just bring the same ol’ me with me if I am not aware.
Where I go is unknown, I just know I can’t stay here on this journey within…sooooo…. where are those fears? Let me at em’!!!
I will embrace my fears- all that I feel and see go by as an old movie, leaving me raw yet at a place to begin again in peace? Yes.
As I conclude this post, I have made a new decision. I am making a promise to myself; I will do what is within my power now to pay close attention to my impulses, instincts, and desires to recognize my fear big or small. As I recognize it, I will actively record it mentally or on paper. I will be diligent and go through the fear…. walk right into the fire…and take a new course of action immediately!
That would be a different choice, wouldn’t it?