How to Connect When It’s The Last Thing You Want To Do.

As people we have a choice: connect or disconnect.

Some of us have been disconnecting from a very early age because it feels safe. But it leaves us empty.

We may be in control when we’re disconnected, living our lives through our intellect, but we become anxious and unfulfilled. From the outside everything looks ok, but it feels like shit.

To be connected is risky because if you do not have control over your emotional state, the outside environment will have an influence over how you feel. That’s when we distance ourselves or cut off completely, hoping the influence of others will barely be felt.

On the other side is the fear of being alone, which no one really wants deep down inside. Physiologically we’re wired for connection to others. And so, the two competing forces can create a lot of inconsistency in how we show up–both with personal relationships and with complete strangers.

I love talking to strangers whenever possible, asking questions that lead right to getting to know something about them. Don’t confuse this with small talk, however, with which I usually fail. Small talk feels forced, and doesn’t come from an authentic place of curiosity, so it’s more of a disconnect when I engage from that space.

I recently had my old Acura overheat 100 miles from home.

The tow truck driver showed up an hour and a half late. It wasn’t his fault, but my Type A personality took over and I had to keep reminding myself it does no good to get uptight. After getting out of the truck, he reached out to shake my hand. I looked him in the eyes as our hands met and said, “I’m annoyed because I’ve been waiting 90 minutes, and I know it’s not your fault, but I’d rather say it then make it awkward.” He smiled as he lead me to the cab of the truck.

In the past, I may have been a Class A asshole, wanting someone to make me feel better. But I am mindful of my shit now, and it’s important to communicate. Once my car was hooked up, he jumped into the cab and our conversation started.

During the six mile drive to the mechanic, we started talking about cars and car payments. He shared that he was an ex-Marine, and when he got out of the service he couldn’t afford the $250 monthly payment on his car because he had difficulty getting a job. He was 32 years old at the time, and eventually lost his car.

He then became an electrician’s apprentice, but it hurt his back so he couldn’t continue. I was thinking, “WTF, here’s this dude who served our country and he came home to very little opportunity!” I wanted to cry.

He eventually became a tow truck driver. Somehow the conversation moved to discussing cable, family (he has a wife and a small daughter) and the craziness of anger, hatred and over-the-top behavior that is broadcast in the world today. Both of us shared how sad it made us because the connection to humanity is always available. We are all the same inside regardless of the appearance of our bodies, sex, color, choices, job, age or anything we use to define ourselves.

As we pulled into the parking lot, I felt so happy to have met this man. I learned something, as I do every time I connect with someone. If I had stayed pissed off at him for showing up late, which was my first inclination, I would’ve disconnected and missed out on a truly great moment of humanity.

As he unhooked my car and I stood inside doing my paperwork, we waved at each other a few times. He was grinning ear to ear… and so was I.

Connection is everywhere, and it’s always a choice.

Navigating From Insecure Attachment To The Awkwardness of Dating

Even as you make strides in your own growth, you experience hiccups.

You find yourself in a ‘same old situation,’ but feel differently, with fledgling confidence in your newer tools. With growing assurance what may have felt impossible in the past, can still make you choke a bit as you state your truth.

Remember to be prepared for people not hearing you; it’s okay.

Speaking your truth is not done to convince someone of what they should do (conditioning will tell you otherwise); it’s supporting yourself emotionally. Whether it’s early in dating or stepping into a relationship, if it’s not working it’ll be clear pretty quickly, just by observing the ensuing dialogue or reaction after you speak.

Recently I was at dinner with someone.

No shooting stars; just enjoying my time with him, thinking he was really nice. And he IS nice. On our prior dates we casually talked about a variety of topics including what we both wanted in dating/relationships. It was cool.

This dinner turned out to be not so cool.

I felt as though I was on a date with someone totally different. The conversation did not flow, there was a huge interest in the food, but other than that not much laughter or further exploration of any deeper topics. In the past it would’ve stopped me cold from addressing something important to me. I’d have looked for the right time to speak and kept quiet if I didn’t find it and then ‘gone along’ with whatever happened afterwards.  As an ex-people-pleaser, it was finding courage to speak about intimacy, and get really uncomfortable.

In my heart, I had to express how I’m not rushing a physical relationship until I really get to know somebody, and I’m confident we’re headed in the same direction (I don’t care if anyone agrees or disagrees with my actions, it’s how I feel in taking care of myself emotionally). I stated this and it was acknowledged verbally, but not physically.

It was very clear we were on a different page.

As we drove after dinner, I realized what I said was for my ears only.

Is he bad? No.

This isn’t to pick his behavior apart. It’s to illustrate how difficult it can be to navigate saying something that another person may not want to hear. It can be very uncomfortable.

Many women (and some men) find themselves in the middle of somewhere they don’t want to be, by keeping quiet and making excuses, so they don’t hate themselves. You’re afraid to upset someone, but when action happens as a result of your silence, it is NOT what you want, and you blame yourself (and them too).

Insecure attachment holds you with a fear of loss. You’re used to it, but you want to avoid it, and when you’ve been wired this way for so long, it can be tough to speak the truth.

With insecure attachment as a basis for your conditioning, you try to exert control over others’ behavior. You refuse to listen or see reality as it is. And you’ll cross someone else’s boundaries. Someone with true confidence isn’t controlling or trying to prove anything; secure people respect themselves and others.

I stood for myself because my values matter. In setting the foundation for a HAPPY long-term relationship, you don’t want a tug-of-war, or a struggle for power.

Sometimes in speaking your truth, it’s challenging to be consistently connected to your heart, especially if others are resistant. You can’t control them.

I know what it feels like to not say the truth of how you feel out of fear, and have someone disregard it when you do speak.

Clarity around attachment is huge. A warm body will not do. What you’re looking for changes as you feel more secure, yet it can feel like a foreign land, especially when you can’t tell on the first date beyond whether he or she might be nice. It’s why I go slow, not protective, so I can stay in the rhythm of my own emotions. If I try to keep up with someone else’s desires and ignore my own, it will end ugly.

Insecure attachment has conditioned us to not trust ourselves, the world or others. So to trust yourself means going thru the discomfort of not pleasing someone else and not controlling the events outside of you by pretending to fill a role. Instead you must speak your truth.

The awkwardness of dating can make you feel you have to compromise to get what you want. YOU DO NOT compromise at that stage unless you want to repeat the same ol’ relationship. Always see reality as it is, not as you wish it.

Attachment can keep you on a merry-go-round.

Not just in dating someone who is ill-suited to a partnership with you, but repeating the relationship over and over with them, continuing to try making it work where it was never meant to go. It’s the fantasy, which deludes you from dealing with rejection or abandonment. I can’t tell you how many times I saw red flags in the past with others and kept dating them. I was ATTACHED! It then kept me in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Insecure attachment will keep you believing a fantasy. You keep going around and around hoping they have changed (cuz you fear there may not be someone else).

Stop for a moment in whatever dating situation you’re in and ask what you truly believe without bullshitting yourself. What’s YOUR truth? Remember, it is always okay to be where you are, even if it is hell. You can’t navigate from where you are not.

There are NO rules of engagement with how you should act or what you should do to develop a relationship. I really believe when it’s the right person, it’s the right person. It’s not necessarily magical, but there’s an ease to it. Everyone I know in a healthy, secure relationship (even those who had insecure attachment in the past) experiences ease.

In my dating life, the above scenario was another opportunity for me to trust myself more, instead of beating myself up. It was a chance to remain open and aware of what I want for myself. We are always at choice in keeping the old patterns alive or speaking then acting by taking a risk to stick with the truth of what we want!

Interested in learning more about attachment? Listen to this podcast.

The Secret We All Share…

Human beings. We are a funny bunch.

Many of us tend to focus on what makes us different. Not all of us, but when we get pissed or someone believes something contradictory to us or drives their car how we don’t like it….or makes decisions we would never make, we focus on the differences.

We share that as human beings. Is it the secret? No.

We’ve lost a lot of artists in 2016. The latest being Prince. It didn’t really hit me til later, as I remembered my early adult years coming out of high school, as his songs were the theme to my relationships. Prince, 1999 and later Purple Rain. It was an emotional connection. Leading me deeper to include the part of myself who was freer, wilder, daring and edgy, (having Scorpio rising like him and the love of purple was relatable too) especially with his earlier songs. In those years, I’d drive along listening to Head and Sister.

Though to all appearances I probably appeared pretty straight-laced–wrapped tightly.

My point in sharing here isn’t my grief, the connection to his music or the re-living of those times in the past few days, it is that many of us hide out. We hide from ourselves first and the rest of the world secondly. We all share insecurities. We share weirdness, provocations and the fear of accepting those parts of ourselves others may deem unsavory.

Creativity, namely music and even the expression of any art form elicits what is hidden.

Is it the secret? No, I am getting there.

To continue, I thank artists who live on the edge of that space, because deep inside we all do have an edge, for most a hidden edge. When you hear your favorite song, or one you’ve attached meaning to about an emotional situation how do you actually feel? Vulnerable? Or at others times, tough, sensual, sexual, happy and like dancing your ass off? It creates an emotional connection with yourself. Just like a sad song relating to a break up, or how you feel so alone inside or alienated, it can dig it up and bring it to the surface.

As a fan of all sorts of music on loneliness and alienation, from Grunge to the Church, Echo and The Bunnymen….to the 60’s, 70’s and other genres of music–it used to pull up those murky parts of myself that I wanted to hide….and let me feel myself.

The perfect picture many of us carry on the outside rarely relates to what is going on inside. The CEOs and semi-celebs I’ve worked with are never what they appear to be on the outside, even the most creative ones. Truly! Most are used to being someone else too. Real happiness is not found in hiding the other parts…the ones we tuck away in fear of being found out, doing it wrong or having to explain.

Always for me, I never fit in and in many instances I still don’t (but where I do is magical–any more scorpio rising peeps who love the color purple?)….and it’s okay now. Not fitting in isn’t the fault of others, I believe it is a failure to embrace our own quirks. When trying to be somebody else and fit in, it’s impossible to be fulfilled. We will always feel ill at ease. You and I have our own tribes and the only way to attract those people is to be YOU. If you’re always stuck in pretense, all you will attract are pretentious relationships.

Think about it. Like attracts like.

Is it the secret? Almost.

A step toward the secret we all share is as long as I’m connected to me, I feel free. Freedom is what we all desire, in some capacity. Some of us are waiting for something again, outside of us, to set us free.

As you see there are many things we have in common with one another. Including, the deeper desire to share, to be open and embrace who we really are, to express that freedom, love, happiness and inner peace. We have more in common than less. Really we do.

Let’s take those words and bundle them up into a meaningful place inside of us. The true living of such words is a paradox, because of what may matter more to us.

The secret: We all want to belong.

We all want to be connected.

We all want to be our weird ass selves (yes everyone is weird) and be accepted. We all want to come as we are and no matter what (perhaps only in the privacy of our car, shower, bedroom or the company of strangers) be voicing it from the bottom of our lungs.

And back to the artists, does it mean they live in this way, being who they truly are? They’re like the rest of us, some would say yes, others would say no. (They may have a persona to live into that they created)

It is again what they create in their art, it’s an avenue for us to experience ourselves. And it may be the only time we do experience a part of true selves. Listening to those songs, which take us somewhere else deep inside.

Many of us need outside permission to live in full expression of what lies deep inside of us, and many of us deny what is in those depths, because we want to belong so badly. We want to appear to have it all, (we need the validation, attention and admiration) but I am here to tell you….under the skin of every person who appears to have it all perfectly built is a contradiction.

It’s what makes us lonely, feel disconnected and as though the emptiness inside cannot be permanently filled up. For some it is to keep so busy there’s no connection, just go-go-go and for others it is to be immobilized, also afraid to step into who they really are…it’s where we differ.

We distance, even when we look like we’re belonging. We create drama and strife, because it’s easier than the possible rejection for what truly lives in each of us. It is really through our own creativity that we are re-born.

It is when we say yes to ourselves that it becomes ok. And it means accepting the things we do against ourselves (and others), the ways we do hide out, stand with a huge wall, hurry and get pissed off. It means we embrace ourselves in the messes we create and take responsibility.

Oh yeah, to belong may be a physiological wiring, but we have 1000s of ways we do not take responsibility for the reasons we need to show up in a certain way with particular people. We look emotionally from afar, as though they may have the key to our finally feeling we’ve arrived; if only we can belong and again, we feel the unrest. Looks good on the outside, but sucks on the inside.

I was at a dinner party and someone asked what I do, we had a short conversation where I stated a few things I do, including learning to take responsibility without blaming others. He said, “Don’t we all do that?” And I said those of us who want to remain powerless to change our lives and be happy, yes; we stay victims.

In wanting to belong to a tribe, we may not even know why. We may have picked up those are the cool kids over there and I want to belong. Or we may rebel and say screw the cool kids, I am going to hang with the outsiders. Our group may be tied together in our unhappiness at not living a fully expressed, creative life. We cannot imagine what would become of us if we really sought out those we do belong with, that unknown can keep us dangling our entire lives.

What can you do? What are you willing to risk? How creative do you want to get? How free, happy and at peace do you want to be? You have to look deeper to understand your reasons for where you belong and why, you have to get to your beliefs around self-worth.

Every time I write or share it is a risk for me. Yeah, I am intensely private (believe it or not) and a lot of what I did in my younger years was not about love. It was about winning, appearances and self-inflicted pain. I didn’t know any better, most of us don’t.

Who was I? At the time I had no idea, just a bundle of anxiety, unease, analyzation and intellectual hubris….of course covered with a sense of humor, over-doing, over-giving and trying to be the best.

Some think walls are a great idea, and people have to earn something from us that we’re not even willing to give to ourselves. We also think we need to show up a certain way, so we don’t lose the people around us….because we’re afraid who we really are is nothing.

Ugh, right? The judge that lives in and outside of us telling us our worth, setting the stage for who we are and for many it’s based off someone else’s rules for life. We may want to belong ‘somewhere’ so badly….we create castles in the sky. Nothing real just the appearance of it. If we’re cast out, do we vow to instead be more of who we are or more of who we think other people want?

Finding your creativity may not make you into a world famous artist, but it can open you up to the truth of your spirit. It can help you navigate the lonely waters as you sail toward your tribe. It will free you, release you and allow you to touch on inner peace, love and happiness.

Artists when performing and being in that creative state, touch that part of themselves, even if it is only for the moments they perform. I had a client who had a profession she had not chosen, other than it would satisfy her parents. She was really an artist; truly talented. as an exercise she had to visit an art store and purchase a medium which spoke to her, and create something, take a picture and send it to me.

She did…and it was amazing. Even more amazing was how she felt during the time she was creating it, it opened her up to herself and her joy. If she was to continue to do this on a daily basis, she would touch on the hidden parts of herself, letting them surface, perhaps even accepting them. It could set be the start in setting herself free!

Being who you are and belonging is truly an inner journey first. The one into self-acceptance of all the parts you’ve hidden, buried deeply and pretended are non-existent. Being who you are is not a human-made perfection, it is a spiritual perfection.

If You Really Love Someone, You’ll Never Stop Surrendering To Make It Work.

Love is a feeling and an action, it is not an anxiety-provoking drama. Before we share it, the commitment is to oneself first and foremost. Only then can we enter into an intimate relationship from a healthy, loving space.

All relationships are distinctly different, but often we compare them to one another. And instead of this bringing us closer, it provokes emotional distance. Judgment. Comparing each relationship can bring out our inner scarcity though and even though we’re emotionally distant, it makes us physically hold on tighter. What if there is no one else?

Comparison is the biggest block to love and keeps us stuck in struggle.

Just as no relationship is alike, neither is the way we act in any relationship. So why do we look at others and think they have some magical potion that we seem unable to conjure up in our own life?

We don’t see the love in ourselves that is already there. We believe it is only outside of us based on how someone else sees us, so when we meet someone, we wonder how this person will feel about us. Our focus in on them and not ourselves.

The older we get, the more experiences we have, even if we recognize it — we may deny an attraction or possibility comparing him or her to someone else. And yet, begrudgingly, or tripping over ourselves, we do it once again, as though some force is pulling us into it, as we fight against it.

Will it be a struggle, painful and soul-crushing, or will it be different this time?

As we move forward and find ourselves in love with another human being, it brings up all kinds of resistance. If we trusted ourselves to handle possible pain or disappointment, all we’d have to know is this: If you really love someone, you’ll never stop surrendering to make it work.

It’s not about comparing the relationship to others, or fighting for it; that indicates the relationship needs rescuing. It’s also not about a willingness to suffer, because that choice is there whether we are in a relationship or not.

The only love worth having is the one worth surrendering for. Anything short of that will be a struggle: right versus wrong, winner vs. loser.

If you aren’t willing to surrender, then you don’t want it enough. And if you think other happy, healthy relationships are not based in love and surrender, then you’re comparing it to a picture that only exists in your head.

If you’re in a relationship for a reason other than love, or if you forgot that love is the reason you’re there, surrendering will be a whole new experience.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about love specifically or life in general. If you aren’t willing to surrender to a deeper knowing, then your ego is running the show. You have to be willing to look a fool (it’s just your pride shaming you), and go out of your way to get real with your feelings. Otherwise, you just don’t want it enough.

Here’s the quandary: you may desire it, want it and believe you’re committed to love and your relationship, but many do not know how to commit to love. We know how to commit to winning, to having it our way, and not feeling the deeper emotionally intimate connection love has to offer. In fact, you may even feel you don’t deserve it.

On the one hand you say you want it, but your subconscious sabotages that closeness, that innate craving, and you scratch your head wondering why you’re always in struggle. The truth is you don’t believe you can have what you want without a state of struggle. You think there needs to be a winner and a loser.

And you may compare it to easier moments in past relationships, or to relationships with strangers, to make your position more solid. But this just works against you.

The attachment to the mind rather than the heart destroys relationships. It is when we our core false beliefs based off past experiences run the show; many of us believe we must force our will to be loved, taken care of and truly connected, instead of surrendering to love.

The question becomes: Do you love yourself and the other person enough to step out of your comfort zone and into surrender? If you never surrender to the purpose of the relationship (love), you remain in resistance, repeating your struggle again and again.

Want personal growth, connection and excitement? Surrender. Oh, and don’t confuse that with becoming a doormat. Not the same thing at all.

It can sound scary, but when I speak to clients about what they want deep within, it’s love. If all your actions in a relationship are toward winning, then love is buried.

Love makes the relationship feel like less work because many problems fall away. When you’re not resisting your partner, but instead remembering your love for yourself and for them, it changes how you show up. You feel better and it’s reflected in the actions you choose. Plus you stop comparing yourself to others.

It’s about finding love within and surrendering to that desire, believing we aren’t going to lose ourselves if we back off our position. It’s knowing we can trust ourselves to be connected yet not engulfed.

Now, here’s the part that most people overlook entirely: When you find yourself in an intense struggle, ask “What would love do?” You will feel the tension release and the answer will come independent of the reaction of the other person.

Often we forget the reason we came together in the first place. And when we’ve loved and lost in the past, we may have buried our ability to let love lead.

We may not have had the best role models for love growing up, but we can unlearn those earlier lessons and teach ourselves to live in a state of surrender because it gives us what we crave most… meaning.

Giving meaning to resistance and looking tough, like you won’t take shit from anyone, makes it impossible to feel love. Then we wonder why we feel disconnected, depressed, and lonely.

Ever feel lost or unsure of who you are and the direction to take? In surrendering to the love within, it can guide you in the direction of meaning, connection and fulfillment. But first you have to trust you can do it.

When you take action from a place of love, it grows your trust and your connection with your deeper desires, making that voice in your head less dominant.

Every person deserves to love themselves so much that he or she is willing to surrender to that true desire: a committed, emotionally intimate relationship with another person.

Anytime there’s a winner and loser, no one is happy. So why do we think this formula makes for a healthy relationship? No loser I’ve seen wants to remain that way. They will be resentful, plotting their way to win, even if it’s done in secrecy.

Let yourself surrender… now. Even if the relationship you are in ultimately fails, you want to continue surrendering, because love is within each of us. And when it doesn’t work with another person, we’re still left with the love we’re connected to within us.

There’s nothing to win or lose, only to gain what you’ve been wanting your entire life… love.

Tool For Self-Love

I created a meditation on self love, you can find it here on YouTube. 

Self-love is a topic most of us do not understand, we associate it with activities rather than understanding how to feel into it. Our feelings appear to fall behind our intellect when we place rules of engagement with life in front of them.

We have strategies for living and sometimes they mimic self-love, but in the end we tend to shortchange ourselves on what we actually deserve. We deserve so much more love than many of us were impressed upon to believe and therefore our value is up for grabs.

We place the value on achievements, validation and living with the rules in our heads. Our hearts can end up buried under all this luggage.

If you have about 18 minutes (that’s how long the meditation is), please listen in and start feeling into “making” space to let love inside. Enjoy! ❤

Don’t Bake Him Cookies

Yeah, so, I was in the middle of a session with a client and I searched for an example to illustrate a point.

The point I was making had to do with possessing absolutely no value in oneself; feeling a deep sense of attachment and fear of abandonment. I would describe it as people-pleasing on steroids.

We do it as a way to hold on, to make someone like us or love us, to manipulate so he or she owes us or to blot out the fear inside we don’t want to face.

As I sat with my client on the phone, an example slapped me upside the head. It was back when I thought it was all about holding onto this person, while really I was screwing myself over.

It was a time when my inner voice was a strangled whisper because I couldn’t hear myself. I wasn’t to be trusted.

It’s been a 360 degree journey away from the identity of pretending to have it together, logically thinking it’s what really mattered, to the present moment of living it from the inside out. My unraveling started back then, and now I was connecting with how lost I’d been.

Currently, my client is struggling with feeling she would be abandoned if she stopped pleasing others at her own expense. Her giving isn’t reciprocated and it’s not genuine, but it is how she learned to survive years ago.

I I told her about a guy I was seeing almost 10 years ago. As I relayed the details to her, it shook me. I understood in that moment how far I’d come and how much I really had believed I had no value unless I was doing something for someone else (i.e. pleasing) with a dude who’d already demonstrated his flakiness.

What happened?

I was deeply attached to this man with off-the-charts chemistry. I thought it was something special, but when you’re looking at someone through 3D glasses, reality is not to be seen!

He called on a Wednesday to let me know he may be tied up that evening, in effect sorta, kinda cancelling our date. I felt that rush of intense anxiety… “NO, NO, NO,” my insides screamed. And I tried to squelch it, but as it drew closer to him calling to let me know for sure, I could focus on nothing else. Time came and went.

Then I started texting. No response.

I called. No response.

Nothing. All night.

Until 1 a.m. when he said he was sorry he couldn’t have let me know sooner.

Told me he’d see me Friday.

As Friday drew closer I was freaking out. I couldn’t bear it if he cancelled again. I was gonna lose it. On Friday I was a bundle of anxiety. Pacing, wondering what to do. Oh! Of course. I need to bake him cookies so he thinks I am the best thing since Donna Reed. And get some champagne too. He’ll never leave. Sigh.

He showed up, but me he almost didn’t because he was suffering from anxiety. I figured cookies and sex, how could he resist?

But before we were actually undressed, he told me how he really thought I was great and felt his feelings would grow for me over time. But right now, he just felt blocked in his heart. He felt an old love was still in his heart and therefore, right now, there was no room.

And so I slept with him of course, why should that stop me? I was trying to prove something; show him how awesome I was so he wouldn’t leave. And of course totally pleasing him at my own expense. I mean WAY beyond my own expense, as though I had nothing in the bank!

I relayed this story to my client, and as I did, I felt how far I’d come and how it was crystal clear that all the people pleasing in the world could never make up for the lack inside of me, or keep anyone around.

My client felt it for herself, and so did the client I had after her… and many others I told that story to afterwards. Even though I wanted to cringe, there are so many others who have given themselves away in hopes of something in return.

Many of us have baked cookies for someone who we wanted to fulfill us, hoping that if we were perfect enough, like a trained seal, that person would love us in a way we couldn’t love ourselves.

It doesn’t work that way. Chasing down someone else’s love doesn’t make up for the lack of love inside. Doing for others in the hope of getting something in return (even if it is just them thinkin’ you’re awesome) is never fulfilling and saying yes, when you definitely should be saying no for your own care will never ever make you feel good. EVER.

Sacrificing to hold on to someone will never bring you the return you hope for and baking cookies for someone to win them, won’t fill that void inside you either

Bake cookies for yourself first. Then you can share them with someone else.

Use These Daily To Feel The Love

I thought I would create a slightly different blog post. It’s not about a holiday, it’s about a year-round commitment to loving yourself.

• Surrender the struggle. We stay in a state of resistance to what is in our lives and wonder why we feel bad, instead just surrendering can open us to a deeper wider space to connect and be creative with seeing opportunity where there once was none.

• Take time to connect with what you really want to feel inside of yourself before you respond, react or take inspired action. Often we’re in autopilot and this leads to the same results over and over again. Getting clear will help you make decisions, which feel good (once you get past the fear), but also move you out of your comfort zone and into a deeper connection with love and life.

• Boundaries are not rules for others, they’re affirmations of how we treat ourselves. When we take care of our needs, we respect ourselves, we’re kind loving, giving, forgiving and our own best friend, we exude this to the outside world and they respond in kind. If not, then we make a choice for ourselves, not for or about the other person. To maintain our boundaries is to choose to feel good not because or in spite of another.

Anger is a great indicator that all is not well and that these three things aren’t being practiced. Start today and do all three daily this week and see if it makes a difference by the end of the week in how you feel……and in how others treat you too.

Please post in the comments below to let me know how it went for you!

 

Gone Bananas!

Yup, it’s my new favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner. Okay, well maybe not dinner, but it is just a perfect blend of chocolate and banana frozen together for a very satisfying flavor explosion of ecstasy in every bite. Mmmmm, mmmmm GOOD!

This post isn’t really about my one-item smorgasbord. It’s about going bananas! Or something like that.

I woke up today, after having a fun little get together in my backyard last night. I have a very cool fire-pit and wonderful space to entertain. But I am getting off topic here. Where was I? Oh yeah, waking up.

I did my meditation, which is guided, because for me I need something to focus on and I tend to pull them off YouTube, which is great unless you get the commercials about something violent as you’re trying to listen to the birds, and nature.

I spent a leisurely morning trying to figure out a FUN way to write this post. I couldn’t think of one, so I recorded my latest podcast.

You see this blog post is supposed to cover goal-setting. And it just sounded so BORING, that I couldn’t wrap myself around it (I am giving away a real fun worksheet, yes it really is fun–you can download it below). To be even more honest, I have been in a place of HUGE ambivalence and resistance around some of my goals.

Do I really want what I say I want?

Let’s see. I do. Sorta. Well, let’s take one of my goals. I do want a relationship. And then I don’t.

I want one for some amazing reasons, truly I do. But, my ambivalence is in my laziness and my resistance is in the effort to actually make it a big focus in my life. I have a dating coach who has been listening to me dig my heels in about having ease around meeting someone…you know just having him show up on my doorstep (though that could be a bit scary, considering what would you do if someone showed up one day and said “Hi, I’m your new relationship!” LOL)

I love the idea of kismet, just meeting someone out of the blue. It’s happened before, I would love it to happen again.

Anyways, so back to the point of this blog: my resistance and ambivalence to my goal. Here’s the thing. When we (notice I said “WE”)….have a goal, there is bound to be some resistance and ambivalence. And to get clear, it is to determine if the competing issue, as in my case: my laziness to making an effort to go to singles’ parties, show up in places single men might be and continue with my online foray into the wonderful world of dating has a stronger value than my actual deep desire and goal of a happy, healthy relationship.

Of course, this comes after determining if this is an actual goal I want for myself, which it is and I can thank my little worksheet I put together! Yes, you can use it too and figure out if your unreachable goals are really ones you want or get some clarity on what’s standing in the way to get to em’, just click to download. (it’s free)

I know my competing value of laziness was super strong when I discovered it, which would explain my current dating issue (talking to men online and losing interest or not following through, because I made a decision quickly, so I could basically remain in ambivalence.) and as the days have gone by since my dating coach cornered my on my b.s……I am growing less lazy.

I am feeling less resistance and actually started looking around for how I can work at this (with ease) without making it into a second job. I am committed to the desire for a relationship, and that’s the key for everyone. Make sure your commitment to what you want is bigger than all your excuses!

Yes, it really is…just make it a bit bigger than the resistance and stay connected to the journey! Even when you feel a total disconnect, trust yourself to get back in the saddle, because you will, if you really want it! And it’s okay to have days when you have just gone bananas!

Oh and don’t forget to download this free worksheet. It helps!! Really. I figure whatever helps me can help you too.

Click to download, in case you haven’t yet!

Falling In Love With…

Falling…as in doing a face plant into love. Sounds sorta painful doesn’t it?

Often for those of us with a penchant for perfectionism, we may find ourselves with a lack of awareness falling into something, and at some later point waking up wondering how we got there!

Our fantasies had originally taken off with our now ‘real’ mate as the central focal point in the perfect play. And we wonder over and over, how did we get here? In the beginning we believed it was perfect, now it has become a fractured fairy tale.

Some of us find this position, not just in relationships, but searching for salvation in some part of our lives. Looking for that scenario–always perfect in mind, and we hope its what saves us…and the one we PERFECTLY imagine to be our dream come true, until it’s not.

What goes wrong?

Acceptance…or lack thereof.

I’d be remiss in not mentioning other items of equal importance, which add to the dissatisfying smorgasbord associated with ‘falling anywhere’.

An inability to shift your perception. Ignoring your own intuition and basically letting your subconscious run rampant with its ol’ rule book! The one about remaining within the guidelines of your belief and it’s supporting cast of patterns to keep on doing things the same ol’ way!

It’s kinda boring isn’t it, to keep thinking and doing in the same ol’ way? I find it rather exhausting when I start to wonder why circumstances don’t change when I find myself in the same ol’ bullshit.

I’m keeping this short.

If you fall in love and wake up wondering what the mystery meat is, it is you. It is your lack.

Lack of awareness, acceptance, understanding, ability to shift or change, desire, and love for what you choose and who you are!

Lack

Lack

Lack

Wanna skip the face plants? Aren’t you over being in a state of attachment to an ideal and ready to really feel the true abundance of fulfillment and love?

Then do it now.

Fall in love with yourself and everyone else in your life (with or without a mate)….and pay attention. Look for where you see lack and recognize it is not true (only in your mind). Look at your desire for perfectionism and ask yourself what has it ever got you, which made you happy?

Find yourself….and let go of the impostor who has been masquerading as you all these years and falling, instead of grounding and then rising into acceptance of every little nose hair, wrinkle, and imperfection both inside and out.

Even if you make millions of dollars a year, YOU will never be happy deep inside until you really do love yourself for just being YOU.

Assumptions and Real Love Don’t Mix

Standing in front of him, as he states the plans for his weekend trip, and you’re wondering why after months of dating he doesn’t introduce you when he goes to visit family?

You don’t ask. You feel hurt and seethe inside. 

Your husband keeps coming home later and later from work. You feel something is funny, but tell yourself he is just working hard for the family.

You don’t ask. You pray.

Your girlfriend says she is busy, so you make excuses for her, instead of noticing these are just bullshit reasons to maintain a distance…..

You don’t ask a direct question. You help keep her dramatic story going.

Your mate tells you a story, instead of getting to the truth, you start to strategize how you will act, perhaps you will people please or be in opposition, and focus on getting things to stay the same, so you’re in control.

You don’t ask, because then things would be out of your control, even though you feel like crap inside.

There are so many scenarios where questions are not asked and why is that my friends?

FEAR.

It gives the illusion of a loss of control.

It’s easier to live in a false sense of comfort than to rattle the cage of your relationship and deal with the fall out.

Change is scary and most of us would rather create a story of fiction than to get into the nonfiction parts of our lives.

Here’s the deal…..

When you avoid the truth by not asking the direct questions (kindly) and seeking a bona fide REAL answer, all you do is prolong your own misery and the inevitable ugly mess, which will transpire at some point.

It’s unavoidable!

All items swept under the rug do not go away, they become a BIG lump.

Get some courage together, even if you’re shaky and words slowly tumble out of your mouth as you choke….do it. You will feel better, even if things appear beyond your control!

Make sure when you ask the questions, it is not to accuse or to corner someone, it is to seek out of curiosity and understand on a deeper level, so you can make appropriate choices for yourself.

Making appropriate choices for yourself is huge, because you get to be in charge of YOU. It allows you to be vulnerable (which is your truth) and connect to your authenticity.

Real love requires authenticity. And I say this as real love being a place of non-attachment to outcomes, which feed our subconscious confirmation of old crappy beliefs. Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

Try it!

You ain’t got nothing to lose, but what you would’ve lost in the first place.

Remember assumptions are stories YOU have created, they keep you in a bubble–at a distance, because you’ve assumed all sorts of crap about someone else that may or may not be true. You’ve judged it and made it into a story where you’re either the victim or the hero…

You make it where IN YOUR MIND you cannot lose. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what you’re really holding onto and why.

What are the questions you are afraid to ask???