If You Really Love Someone, You’ll Never Stop Surrendering To Make It Work.

freeyourself-600x250Love is a feeling and an action, it is not an anxiety-provoking drama. Before we share it, the commitment is to oneself first and foremost. Only then can we enter into an intimate relationship from a healthy, loving space.

All relationships are distinctly different, but often we compare them to one another. And instead of this bringing us closer, it provokes emotional distance. Judgment. Comparing each relationship can bring out our inner scarcity though and even though we’re emotionally distant, it makes us physically hold on tighter. What if there is no one else?

Comparison is the biggest block to love and keeps us stuck in struggle.

Just as no relationship is alike, neither is the way we act in any relationship. So why do we look at others and think they have some magical potion that we seem unable to conjure up in our own life?

We don’t see the love in ourselves that is already there. We believe it is only outside of us based on how someone else sees us, so when we meet someone, we wonder how this person will feel about us. Our focus in on them and not ourselves.

The older we get, the more experiences we have, even if we recognize it — we may deny an attraction or possibility comparing him or her to someone else. And yet, begrudgingly, or tripping over ourselves, we do it once again, as though some force is pulling us into it, as we fight against it.

Will it be a struggle, painful and soul-crushing, or will it be different this time?

As we move forward and find ourselves in love with another human being, it brings up all kinds of resistance. If we trusted ourselves to handle possible pain or disappointment, all we’d have to know is this: If you really love someone, you’ll never stop surrendering to make it work.

It’s not about comparing the relationship to others, or fighting for it; that indicates the relationship needs rescuing. It’s also not about a willingness to suffer, because that choice is there whether we are in a relationship or not.

The only love worth having is the one worth surrendering for. Anything short of that will be a struggle: right versus wrong, winner vs. loser.

If you aren’t willing to surrender, then you don’t want it enough. And if you think other happy, healthy relationships are not based in love and surrender, then you’re comparing it to a picture that only exists in your head.

If you’re in a relationship for a reason other than love, or if you forgot that love is the reason you’re there, surrendering will be a whole new experience.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about love specifically or life in general. If you aren’t willing to surrender to a deeper knowing, then your ego is running the show. You have to be willing to look a fool (it’s just your pride shaming you), and go out of your way to get real with your feelings. Otherwise, you just don’t want it enough.

Here’s the quandary: you may desire it, want it and believe you’re committed to love and your relationship, but many do not know how to commit to love. We know how to commit to winning, to having it our way, and not feeling the deeper emotionally intimate connection love has to offer. In fact, you may even feel you don’t deserve it.

On the one hand you say you want it, but your subconscious sabotages that closeness, that innate craving, and you scratch your head wondering why you’re always in struggle. The truth is you don’t believe you can have what you want without a state of struggle. You think there needs to be a winner and a loser.

And you may compare it to easier moments in past relationships, or to relationships with strangers, to make your position more solid. But this just works against you.

The attachment to the mind rather than the heart destroys relationships. It is when we our core false beliefs based off past experiences run the show; many of us believe we must force our will to be loved, taken care of and truly connected, instead of surrendering to love.

The question becomes: Do you love yourself and the other person enough to step out of your comfort zone and into surrender? If you never surrender to the purpose of the relationship (love), you remain in resistance, repeating your struggle again and again.

Want personal growth, connection and excitement? Surrender. Oh, and don’t confuse that with becoming a doormat. Not the same thing at all.

It can sound scary, but when I speak to clients about what they want deep within, it’s love. If all your actions in a relationship are toward winning, then love is buried.

Love makes the relationship feel like less work because many problems fall away. When you’re not resisting your partner, but instead remembering your love for yourself and for them, it changes how you show up. You feel better and it’s reflected in the actions you choose. Plus you stop comparing yourself to others.

It’s about finding love within and surrendering to that desire, believing we aren’t going to lose ourselves if we back off our position. It’s knowing we can trust ourselves to be connected yet not engulfed.

Now, here’s the part that most people overlook entirely: When you find yourself in an intense struggle, ask “What would love do?” You will feel the tension release and the answer will come independent of the reaction of the other person.

Often we forget the reason we came together in the first place. And when we’ve loved and lost in the past, we may have buried our ability to let love lead.

We may not have had the best role models for love growing up, but we can unlearn those earlier lessons and teach ourselves to live in a state of surrender because it gives us what we crave most… meaning.

Giving meaning to resistance and looking tough, like you won’t take shit from anyone, makes it impossible to feel love. Then we wonder why we feel disconnected, depressed, and lonely.

Ever feel lost or unsure of who you are and the direction to take? In surrendering to the love within, it can guide you in the direction of meaning, connection and fulfillment. But first you have to trust you can do it.

When you take action from a place of love, it grows your trust and your connection with your deeper desires, making that voice in your head less dominant.

Every person deserves to love themselves so much that he or she is willing to surrender to that true desire: a committed, emotionally intimate relationship with another person.

Anytime there’s a winner and loser, no one is happy. So why do we think this formula makes for a healthy relationship? No loser I’ve seen wants to remain that way. They will be resentful, plotting their way to win, even if it’s done in secrecy.

Let yourself surrender… now. Even if the relationship you are in ultimately fails, you want to continue surrendering, because love is within each of us. And when it doesn’t work with another person, we’re still left with the love we’re connected to within us.

There’s nothing to win or lose, only to gain what you’ve been wanting your entire life… love.

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Why Are My Relationships So Hard?

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Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a fairy princess and her prince (or a princess and a princess, or a prince and a prince–whatever the modern fairy tale would be for you). Point is it seemed like it was easy in the ‘ever after part’ right?

We all figured it would be magical!

And we set our vision on having that magical person enter our life.

But do you remember what it took for these two to hook up? I mean really, besides mythological creatures, there were family members who interfered with the road to the characters’ love and happiness!

It was HARD work!

For most of us we were raised in families, where we learned a lot about relationships being hard. It doesn’t necessarily mean abusive, it just means HARD.

Many of us learned at an early age not to want very much, but to expect a lot from our mate. It was a relationship paradox.

When I was married I wondered why I couldn’t have it all–that deep intimacy or even some of it. Why was it so freakin’ HARD!?

Lotsa reasons. Starting with me.

Our expectations aren’t even in alignment with reality and at the same time we accept far less than we deserve. Some of us are waiting for the other person to turn into our dream prince or princess.

Think I’m kidding?

A client of mine suffered anxiety and an intense yearning for an old love to wake up and smell the coffee. She wanted her past love, a mentally unstable, abusive individual, to seek help, be magically repaired and show up on her doorstep! I said to her, “You do realize that people who are ready for a happy and healthy relationship don’t dream of turning someone who has a lot of emotional dysfunction into their dream mate, right?” And I added, “What would you do if that happened? You only choose partners based on their emotional distance to intimacy. Could you deal with being vulnerable?”

My client, like many others, ended up in relationships, which were just hard.

Some wait years for the payoff,  because there has to be something (usually unidentifiable– just a feeling of a reward dangling). They watched Mom or Dad waiting, or suffering through hard labor.

I’ve worked with people who have been together for years, listening to one partner complain over and over to me about how the other partner just doesn’t get it! The complainer isn’t doing anything but complaining about something that they don’t even want to change.

Why?

Because it is the level of emotional availability the complainer was used to receiving as a child. We want a list of characteristics from a mate, because we’ve been told to want it, and deep down at our core, we all want emotional intimacy. But the problem in between is we didn’t learn how to be vulnerable and unguarded. In many cases we attracted someone where their ability to get close is limited too. We match each other.

Many of us are used to working too hard for emotional connection.

The ‘how’ in getting emotionally close to another human being can be a challenge, so we purposely choose partners where the focus is on the arduous journey to claw our way to intimacy (and rarely get there). We look for complicated, hard and tortuous opportunities to prove ourselves (and at times be superior to the other person). Be careful what you wish for, because if it were actually to come true, you may not know what to do with yourself.

We end up with hard, because we come from scarcity.

Scarcity means there’s not enough love, not enough good ones and perhaps, we don’t feel we’re good enough to deserve what we want. And so we settle for less and doing HARD labor.

Obviously, some don’t go down this road, but I am speaking to those people who feel relationships are hard. Yes, staying together takes commitment and work, but not the kind of work hard relationships represent.

Forget perfection or somebody to wait on you hand and foot, I’m talking someone to be emotionally intimate with you. Many married couples have no emotional intimacy, it’s not just a single person thing. Scarcity of love, of believing you deserve to have intimacy and then being able to handle it takes a lot of self-awareness, confidence and openness.

Vulnerability is hard to maintain for many long-term relationships, when one or both partners don’t want to be vulnerable because they might lose their stance. Over time, some fall into: “I’m right, you’re wrong,” and it’s a hard way to live.

Having a partner who is in a state of resistance to you, no matter what you seek, is tiring… and HARD. Nagging, whining or the silent treatment are wonderful ways to never get close to your partner. And for singles who seem to have someone they cannot get over, because they’re still waiting for the reward or the validation of what they didn’t get in that relationship, it is just as hard.

Alison was still married, desiring an ex-boyfriend from high school who also was still married. Alison wanted a divorce, and felt this electrical connection to her old ex-mate. He couldn’t offer much in his current situation, but he felt he was offering enough just by communicating and having clandestine meetings with her. He kept promising her he would leave his wife too. Alison found she couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat and spent a lot of time fantasizing about what it would be like to finally be with her high school sweetheart! She was trying to escape her current reality. The heightened emotional state she had with her boyfriend made her feel they had true intimacy, but all they really shared was a desire to avoid their current lives. In both relationships, there was no intimacy.

Real intimacy requires commitment.

What can you do?

  • Stop looking for things to be hard, find the ease.
  • Learn to love yourself and be intimate with you first.
  • Surrender, take down those useless walls that keep love out.
  • Look at how you come from a lack mentality–see where scarcity plays a part and shift it.
  • Finally commit to yourself that vulnerability, openness and ease are your goals in the relationship with yourself… and then others.

Do you see the difference between commitment towards intimacy and vulnerability vs. staying in a difficult relationship based on scarcity?

Distancing in Relationships

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A while ago, it became clear to me: Ever since I was a small child. I’d purposely chosen people I could keep some sort of an emotional distance from in relationships.

As a kid, I’d made a decision that I didn’t want to be hurt, so I made myself impenetrable and alone.

I was very sensitive and was easily hurt by my parents’ words and actions. They didn’t know what they were doing, but as a kid all we can do is develop our perception of the world and our place in it.

As I grew older, on my journey of increasing self-awareness, there are still times I find resistance in myself—the wall I never want to penetrate and then I do.

I take action, plowing through that wall on my journey, and right into another one.

It’s progress and it’s scary; way better than self-punishment or punishing another, stemming from not being authentic.

I discovered the distancing in myself, I chose people who if I got close to them (like my parents), I could be annihilated…and of course, I purposely aimed for that outcome.

I’d move toward intimacy, then all hell would break loose. I’d retreat, go numb and they would pledge their undying love.

What a cycle!! I didn’t see the truth.

Til I did.

I made a vow to not enter relationships creating distance. It was time to put the shield down, my resistance and place myself in a vulnerable position where hurt could happen.

No fight, just opening of the heart; I was there to learn.

One relationship taught me; words and action needed to match. He would speak of the future, tell me he loved me and yet, it sounded like I was absent from his prospective vision.

I knew, he didn’t want to be without me, but it triggered in me an old reaction…I would talk to him as though he wasn’t in my future… in effect, distancing myself from the relationship.

And that’s when it really hit me, I felt like shit! I’d chosen someone who mirrored my distancing.

My distancing was too difficult to continue, I was growing more in love with myself every day.

I could see through this dance of intimacy that no one was going to come out closer or happier.

I stopped taking him personally;  he wasn’t trying to do anything to me…he was in his own struggle, holding onto misery and pushing away happiness.

I kept raising my love quotient, meaning I loved me more all the time. I treated myself with crazy kindness (self-care) and it changed things. I broke through resistance and distance; how I saw life, what I said and what I did. It became so clear to me, that distancing had no place, my heart was the ruler.

When we place awareness inside of ourselves to our physical sensations, they tell a story, so we need to pay attention.

This is where relationships can and do change, as one partner continues to move to their own happiness, either the other partner will join them or leave the relationship.

Sometimes, we stay stuck, afraid of growing leaving our partner behind; we fight against our own journey. We do no one any favors when we remain stagnant.

Letting ourselves grow closer to our own heart, will bring us the love we desire….without the distance to continue to travel.

Not sure you can stop distancing? If you’d like to see know if you’re ready for change, please schedule a discovery session with me. Click here.