Gone Bananas!

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Yup, it’s my new favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner. Okay, well maybe not dinner, but it is just a perfect blend of chocolate and banana frozen together for a very satisfying flavor explosion of ecstasy in every bite. Mmmmm, mmmmm GOOD!

This post isn’t really about my one-item smorgasbord. It’s about going bananas! Or something like that.

I woke up today, after having a fun little get together in my backyard last night. I have a very cool fire-pit and wonderful space to entertain. But I am getting off topic here. Where was I? Oh yeah, waking up.

I did my meditation, which is guided, because for me I need something to focus on and I tend to pull them off YouTube, which is great unless you get the commercials about something violent as you’re trying to listen to the birds, and nature.

I spent a leisurely morning trying to figure out a FUN way to write this post. I couldn’t think of one, so I recorded my latest podcast.

You see this blog post is supposed to cover goal-setting. And it just sounded so BORING, that I couldn’t wrap myself around it (I am giving away a real fun worksheet, yes it really is fun–you can download it below). To be even more honest, I have been in a place of HUGE ambivalence and resistance around some of my goals.

Do I really want what I say I want?

Let’s see. I do. Sorta. Well, let’s take one of my goals. I do want a relationship. And then I don’t.

I want one for some amazing reasons, truly I do. But, my ambivalence is in my laziness and my resistance is in the effort to actually make it a big focus in my life. I have a dating coach who has been listening to me dig my heels in about having ease around meeting someone…you know just having him show up on my doorstep (though that could be a bit scary, considering what would you do if someone showed up one day and said “Hi, I’m your new relationship!” LOL)

I love the idea of kismet, just meeting someone out of the blue. It’s happened before, I would love it to happen again.

Anyways, so back to the point of this blog: my resistance and ambivalence to my goal. Here’s the thing. When we (notice I said “WE”)….have a goal, there is bound to be some resistance and ambivalence. And to get clear, it is to determine if the competing issue, as in my case: my laziness to making an effort to go to singles’ parties, show up in places single men might be and continue with my online foray into the wonderful world of dating has a stronger value than my actual deep desire and goal of a happy, healthy relationship.

Of course, this comes after determining if this is an actual goal I want for myself, which it is and I can thank my little worksheet I put together! Yes, you can use it too and figure out if your unreachable goals are really ones you want or get some clarity on what’s standing in the way to get to em’, just click to download. (it’s free)

I know my competing value of laziness was super strong when I discovered it, which would explain my current dating issue (talking to men online and losing interest or not following through, because I made a decision quickly, so I could basically remain in ambivalence.) and as the days have gone by since my dating coach cornered my on my b.s……I am growing less lazy.

I am feeling less resistance and actually started looking around for how I can work at this (with ease) without making it into a second job. I am committed to the desire for a relationship, and that’s the key for everyone. Make sure your commitment to what you want is bigger than all your excuses!

Yes, it really is…just make it a bit bigger than the resistance and stay connected to the journey! Even when you feel a total disconnect, trust yourself to get back in the saddle, because you will, if you really want it! And it’s okay to have days when you have just gone bananas!

Oh and don’t forget to download this free worksheet. It helps!! Really. I figure whatever helps me can help you too.

Click to download, in case you haven’t yet!

Power of Letting Go

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Anyone heard the term “Conscious Uncoupling?”

The first time I heard the statement was from my original coaching mentor. She had been interviewed about the concept, which she had developed a program based on her own experience. It’s an interesting idea, in terms of how we can learn and grow through our separation from someone we love.

Most people either learn and grow through letting go, or become bitter and angry in the process. No matter what, we have a choice in where we direct our anger or hurt. In conscious uncoupling, depending on what definition someone subscribes to, we can keep a person in our life that we are now no longer with while we both evolve in a less dramatic (loving) fashion by recognizing our patterns that create toxic or unloving situations.

In my book this is not entirely letting go.

Meaning, all of that is fine and dandy, except the part about keeping the person we’ve just broken up with and no doubt have strong emotions for in our lives.

To let go in terms of it’s power is so much more than walking away, or shutting a door, or saying “I give up.”

The power in letting go is to turn toward a new paradigm for the self. To free up space, allow a flow where it was stopped, understand attachment vs. love, and to give oneself time to heal.

The danger in conscious uncoupling is to not give it the time, and also to not honor our own feelings.

I’ve watched it happen, where both parties agree to it, and show everyone they are still loving friends. Unfortunately, at the same time one or both of them are not really done, and are struggling to move on in one or both of their lives. Their behavior and actions on their own do not support the image that all is well. And if one moves onto a new relationship too soon, while the other is still pining for their old relationship—that is just asking for a plate full of pain.

This isn’t healthy and it’d be far less hurtful, respectful and loving to be authentic and state how it doesn’t actually work with the ex-mate to have a continuing presence (aside from kids with shared custody) in each other’s personal lives. Giving space and shifting focus away from the past (since this relationship is over) is to be in the present.

Letting go comes in stages.

Raising of consciousness can come as awareness steps in to light. Let’s face it, when we have old beliefs about our self-worth and relationships, snapping our fingers and saying poof those are gone is just not that simple! It doesn’t happen that way.

Letting go is surrendering to the greater love, pain, conflicting emotions and the unknown.

Conscious uncoupling if used correctly, is about separately opening up oneself to a deeper understanding of how we show up in relationships and why we have the needs we do. It is not something done as a team, together. It’s to step up, let go, accept, wish the other one well and truly embark on a different leg in our journey.

This becomes a huge quandary for many of my clients.

They find themselves months and even years after a relationship has ended in just as much pain as if it happened yesterday. I often find, as long as they’re also in a state of resistance to their true feelings, “I don’t want to feel anything about him/her!” they find the letting go process extremely difficult.

Whatever we resist, persists and when we don’t want to feel something for someone we are no longer with, we have a battle inside of us, having nothing to do with the other person.

When we can feel our feelings of love for them, and realize we actually generate those good feelings, it’s an opportunity to shift and learn how to create those feelings without the object of our desire. When we can do that, we’ve found the answer to letting go and conscious uncoupling; we’ve found the space of unconditional love to pay ourselves respect, as we grow. Not only can we become a better partner, we also fall more in love with ourselves too.

Power of Submission

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I thought the title was more catchy than the power of acceptance, but really….the opposite of resistance, is submission.

And in the context of power, the submission is not necessarily to another person, but to the circumstances as they are, and not how we want them to be.

What we resist, persists.

I speak with people all the time. many remind me of how I approached change with myself. I would seek out help, and then decide somewhere in there that I could just do it on my own. I could save myself time and money…and get there just as quick! After all, who knows me better than me?

Well…yeah. My resistance was not helping me, and as someone pointed out, if I went on my own, it would take me far longer to get where I wanted to go…and she was right.

I was still a bit of a control freak. I thought I was open, but I wanted it all to be my way. I thought I could immerse myself in books, here someone speak and change. Except, it took me a long time, because I was only grasping things intellectually.

To change our lives on a deeper level, we have to submit to change…to things being different than our familiar way of our patterns.

I can hear it when I am speaking to some people, who swear up and down, they cannot handle their circumstances anymore, but at the same time they want to defend their stance.They resist a different path.

Whenever we think of change, we want to be at the end result, the goal. We hope change will come in the middle of the night while we’re sleeping and we haven’t had to go thru any struggle or questions surrounding our actions….basically, we want change to just slip in the backdoor.

Instead, we resist the very things we want in life.

We say we want to be with our soulmate…

We say we want a great relationship….

We say we to understand ourselves better…

We say we want to be happy…

And so on.

As long as we do not submit to what is and accept it, whether it means we must forge ahead with change, or allow our circumstances to remain without trying to change other people then our resistance will continue and what we don’t want will continue……until we just can’t stand it anymore…

And then…we may be able to talk ourselves into numbing out to stay in a state of resistance. We can distract ourselves. We can numb out, or only express frustration and anger at certain moments…and then go right back into the state of quiet battle.

Sacrifice is not submission, it is another way of denying change. To submit is power. It says, my battle is not with life or someone, I accept all that is and hold myself responsible, so that I can create the life I want.

When we are not focused on the resistance, we can create. Our lives are a creation, so why not make our lives about being in a flow to go where we want?

Say “okay,” to what others want. It doesn’t mean, we do what they want or even think it’s a great idea; it just means we’ve acknowledged what they want and we are allowing them to do that without our resistance.

I spent a lot of time in my younger years helping people, who said they wanted my advice. I would get so frustrated when they wouldn’t follow it. I’d want to change their lives for them, or get them to do the right thing in my eyes….it took me a long time to understand, it’s not my decision…their life belongs to them no matter what my perception was of their actions.

When we perceive someone as wrong, or want to control another’s actions, we’re not living our life. We’re resisting our life, by ignoring it and what we need to do for ourselves. When we gossip, we’re in a state of resistance.

One way to tell, is the physical feeling that comes from the energy held in resistance. Everything feels tighter, tense and heavy. When we let go and submit to what is, we feel lighter, happier and able to see more clearly…so we can create our lives.

The more we submit, the more we create and the more we say okay to change. The inertia we feel or the walls we have around us, are meant to be broken through…if we allow them to remain, we won’t really change (or it may take us 50 years longer if we do it ourselves), we’ll keep doing things the same old way and read a book–thinking we now get it and we’ll continue in a state of resisting life.