Assumptions and Real Love Don’t Mix

Ask the Questions

Standing in front of him, as he states the plans for his weekend trip, and you’re wondering why after months of dating he doesn’t introduce you when he goes to visit family?

You don’t ask. You feel hurt and seethe inside. 

Your husband keeps coming home later and later from work. You feel something is funny, but tell yourself he is just working hard for the family.

You don’t ask. You pray.

Your girlfriend says she is busy, so you make excuses for her, instead of noticing these are just bullshit reasons to maintain a distance…..

You don’t ask a direct question. You help keep her dramatic story going.

Your mate tells you a story, instead of getting to the truth, you start to strategize how you will act, perhaps you will people please or be in opposition, and focus on getting things to stay the same, so you’re in control.

You don’t ask, because then things would be out of your control, even though you feel like crap inside.

There are so many scenarios where questions are not asked and why is that my friends?

FEAR.

Fear Is A Fucker.Don't Let It Screw You

It gives the illusion of a loss of control.

It’s easier to live in a false sense of comfort than to rattle the cage of your relationship and deal with the fall out.

Change is scary and most of us would rather create a story of fiction than to get into the nonfiction parts of our lives.

Here’s the deal…..

When you avoid the truth by not asking the direct questions (kindly) and seeking a bona fide REAL answer, all you do is prolong your own misery and the inevitable ugly mess, which will transpire at some point.

It’s unavoidable!

All items swept under the rug do not go away, they become a BIG lump.

Get some courage together, even if you’re shaky and words slowly tumble out of your mouth as you choke….do it. You will feel better, even if things appear beyond your control!

Make sure when you ask the questions, it is not to accuse or to corner someone, it is to seek out of curiosity and understand on a deeper level, so you can make appropriate choices for yourself.

Making appropriate choices for yourself is huge, because you get to be in charge of YOU. It allows you to be vulnerable (which is your truth) and connect to your authenticity.

Real love requires authenticity. And I say this as real love being a place of non-attachment to outcomes, which feed our subconscious confirmation of old crappy beliefs. Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

Try it!

Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

You ain’t got nothing to lose, but what you would’ve lost in the first place.

Remember assumptions are stories YOU have created, they keep you in a bubble–at a distance, because you’ve assumed all sorts of crap about someone else that may or may not be true. You’ve judged it and made it into a story where you’re either the victim or the hero…

You make it where IN YOUR MIND you cannot lose. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what you’re really holding onto and why.

What are the questions you are afraid to ask???

 

Do You Treat Yourself As Someone You Love?

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Awhile back I was outside walking and doing my visualizations, etc. on the items I am manifesting in my life. It’s been interesting to observe my own thoughts as they have shifted from obsessing about certain areas of my life (love and money), to a very balanced overall desire for fulfillment across the board.

As I thought about how I shifted from years of making all desires about love, more than anything else I thought to myself, “I am ready for a life partner.”

I continued with, “I will love him as I love myself.” Whoa Nelly!

What?

That statement made me stop. It was an emotional epiphany and gave me pause. It lead to the next question, ” Do I treat myself like I would treat someone else I love?”

Oh yeah! And as the answer washed over me, opening all sorts of doors inside of me,  I realized if I don’t treat myself in this loving manner, at some point I will treat the other person the same way, I treat myself.

How Do You Treat Yourself?

I looked back at my most recent relationships, at some of the men I had recently dated, and asked myself not how I treated them, but how I treated me in the process.

Wow! Did that illuminate my love for me! I have come a long way from self-rejection, dislike and self-hatred when I was young. Now I’m in an on-and-off relationship with loving myself.

I do spend a significant amount of time connecting to my value, pleasing myself and emotionally taking care of me. But in the past? In the past I had been like the evil stepmother in Cinderella!

I dieted and exercised to the point of making it an obsession for years… stringent, depriving, unloving and wanting my body to do what it didn’t want to do! Does anyone see the love in that statement?

I worked like a dog. Pleasure? What was pleasure?

I took care of my kids. Not only were they first, I allowed them to be everything. Oh man, so not good!

I hid in my work, in things which would distract me from loving myself. I ALWAYS felt empty and wanted to feel validated.

I was a class A asshole to myself! I appeared to have it all together, but appearances, as we know, are deceiving.

I could be really cruel, and as I stood on the street that day during my walk, I saw how I had treated some of my previous partners. I gave to them from an empty well, expecting each of these guys to refill it. To give me what I demanded without giving it to myself. It was their job.

Where the hell did I get the idea that my emotional well-being was someone else’s duty?

I was raised to believe it. All I had to do was look at the relationship with my mother and continue to see it out in the world. When I turned on the TV or saw a movie or heard a song wailing away about ‘being done wrong’ by someone (not cheating–but someone feeling like shit because someone was not giving them what they wanted!). As I write this, I thought of that old song “Wedding Bell Blues” by the 5th Dimension.

Bill, I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day

I was on your side, Bill, when you were losin’
I never scheme or lie, Bill, there’s been no foolin’
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
Oh, but am I ever gonna hear my wedding bells

I was the one who came runnin’ when you were lonely
I haven’t lived one day not lovin’ you only
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
But Bill you’re never gonna take those wedding vows

Oh, come on Bill, oh, come on Bill
Come on and marry me, Bill, I got the wedding bell blues
Please marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues, wedding bell blues
Marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues

Hmmm… do the lyrics speak of this woman taking care of herself? Loving herself? Nope, she talks about feeling entitled, showing how he was first (not her) and he OWES her! Right?

She has no love for herself. She thinks by being a welcome mat for someone else, she can cajole the guy into thinking he owes her enough to marry her!

And if you were Bill, wouldn’t you keep running?

Dig Deep and Look at Your Expectations

Back to the street corner. Would I now, in this moment, expect somebody to refill what love I didn’t give myself?  I didn’t draw a hard line with myself, which is a huge improvement. Instead I realized how I had mellowed and wasn’t perfect (thankfully, I no longer take a toothbrush to the floorboards).

As I continued my walk,  I started running through my day and asking if each choice I made was toward pleasure, toward my goals, or in opposition. Did I practice self-care in the way I would like to care for somebody else? Did I make sure to have happy moments, or did I intend to keep attracting somebody who doesn’t make choices that are happy?

I really dug deep. I tend to pay attention to my choices. Are they life-expanding or life-shrinking? A lot of questions my friends, but if we really start to dig deep and look at our expectations, we will find how we treat ourselves to be surprising at times.

It’s okay if we don’t love ourselves all the time. We have all been raised with some sort of self-sabotaging beliefs, which we hold ourselves accountable for, to the degree of our awareness about our relationship with ourselves.

We have to communicate clearly with ourselves, not shirk away from our own treatment. And still live fully into accepting all that is lovable and not lovable inside of us. When we practice this self-accepting behavior, we start to show up differently. We stop treating others as a threat, especially when we want them to give to us now, and feel they won’t! Or we need distance or we want to go off feeling sorry for ourselves. We can find a kinder, more loving way to move through our relationships… especially the one with ourselves.

How do YOU treat yourself in relationships… past or present? Do you treat yourself the way you treat your partner? Please share…

Pleasure While Breaking Up

Most of us fear break ups. We’ll do almost anything we can to avoid them, *oh the pain* until we grasp our emotional resilience to handle it.

Many of us stay in half-baked relationships.

Selling ourselves on ‘its good enough,’ numbing out, not getting our needs met or saying ‘yes’ to things, which make us feel horrible about ourselves, what do we actually think is going to change here?

We’ll wake up one day and magically everything will work to our liking?

We need to change, IF we ever want to experience the best in life. This involves risk and knowing something else suits us better. Stepping away from filling our time with worry, hope, and desperation, instead we move into pleasure.

By changing, we don’t transform into someone else! We become who we truly are, dropping the excuses, dismissing the chatter of others’ voices and begin LOVING ourselves.

Exiting a relationship with pleasure translates into bringing more pleasure into our lives.

Let’s take my client Anna who was having a relationship with a guy she thought was fabulous!

When they met, they bonded among other things, over their similar loneliness. I told her it wasn’t the best place to start, as I listened, it was quite clear; he was a victim. Everything was always someone else’s responsibility, even his own actions.

He was not at cause for anything happening in his life.

For awhile, Anna didn’t notice this so much (even when I pointed it out), because he was busy rescuing her. As long as being a rescuer/victim worked for them both, there wasn’t a problem. As many who know the drama triangle, it requires three positions…victim, rescuer and persecutor,  living our relationships on that triangle, we switch positions, unconsciously.

About a year into it, Anna noticed him slipping away.

He made excuses, saying it wasn’t her, it was the overwhelm of everything in his life.

There were excuses, as though she caused his overwhelm. Everything he volunteered to rescue, became a burden… he got angry, seeing her as needy and incapable of making appropriate decisions in her own life……though, her perceived helplessness only existed in his mind.

At one point, he was very demeaning to her, even though she was extremely upset, she was done.

He never took responsibility for his choice in his treatment of her. He saw her causing him to be derogatory toward her. She, however, saw the trajectory and knew if it happened once, it’ll happen again.

In his eyes, she became the persecutor and he was the victim, waiting for her to rescue him by taking full responsibility for how she caused him to be angry with her.

Anna could observe the situation without feeling victimized. She felt strong and more in love with herself. Even though she was sad at the prospect of ending the relationship, she knew she didn’t deserve it. She knew she deserved pleasure….and lots of it!

As she started to take one tiny step at a time, she took back her power. Meaning, she said ‘yes’ when she meant it and ‘no’ when she meant it too. She engaged in a manner, which respected them both. She allowed herself to flip flop a bit, so she could emotionally let go without overwhelming anxiety, and make sure she learned her WHY. Her desire was clarity about her part. Her bigger desire was to end this in a loving, kind and respectful manner without anger.

Pleasure became of the utmost importance. She gave to herself more and more. Fun wasn’t to escape the situation, it was something she could fully jump into and exploit the pleasure of pleasing herself.

No more suffering, or punishing herself or depression. It was an opportunity to empower herself and OWN her choices. The more she fed pleasure to herself, the more she glowed, even in sad moments….she realized she was going to move onto bigger and better things.

The act of fun, pleasure and empowerment made her realize all that was previously impossible, was becoming possible. As she let go of holding onto to what didn’t serve her emotionally, her world expanded.

Choice is always available when it comes to a perspective of our lives.

We can convince ourselves we must stay here and suffer, that someday pleasure can shine in our lives…..but, it never comes, until we decide no matter what’s going on to GIVE TO OURSELVES what we desire.

The exact measure of our resistance to pleasure is the exact amount of the gain. When we resist ending a relationship or feel it must go down in flames to exit, it’s quite obvious that in equal part pleasure awaits us when we finally say ‘yes’ to ourselves.

 

Who’s a victim? Not me.

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People get uncomfortable, when addressing a few tactics they have to gain attention, or ways they blame other people for the state of their affairs or how they constantly wait for someone to show up or take action; they cringe, because I bring up the word victim. No one wants to see themselves as a victim.

No one.

There’s a certain power in being a victim.

A way to seemingly control others.

Our society constantly invokes victimization as the way to live.

Specifically, if we’re not paying attention, we end up on the drama triangle (the three points are the victim, rescuer and perpetrator). Most soap operas, love songs, fairy tales and movies have the triangle as the story arc and we get hooked into thinking this is some sort of reality; we buy into it.

And….just for fun….when we’re on this triangle, we usually switch points, sometimes we’re rescuer in the same situation or persecutor with the same person.

Unfortunately, living as a victim is something many of us do unconsciously. 

It shows up insidiously.

In deriving a strange pleasure from someone mistreating us, we get oddly excited (if we’re honest), because we’re getting our power back from them.

We induce guilt. Guilt is a master manipulator. Manipulation gives a false sense of control. Next time, pay attention to someone ‘fucking-up’ and how we now feel we can punish them for what they have done. Sound familiar?

It’s really a painful way to live, usually we’re completely oblivious to this being a pattern…we think it’s just ‘how we feel.’

It’s a cycle, in which, we think, ‘if only they would change, or I’m always waiting for them to do blah, blah, blah,’ except, we don’t really want them to, it would defeat the purpose of us being able to stay as a victim…‘poor us’ against this brute of a human being.

Being a victim is a strategy. We learned it when we were young. It’s a way of getting something, attention, or blaming someone (or something) else for how we feel. If we hold something outside of us accountable, we falsely believe, we’ll feel better than if we take responsibility.

As a kid, it helped in getting love, attention, value, or to not be abandoned…though, these were just strategies, GIVING the ‘appearance’ of having power.

Many of us still use the same strategies, we had as small children…we’ve had years of re-affirming beliefs about ourselves, which keep us locked into this victim dynamic.

In reality, we should not try to wield power over another.

Empowerment doesn’t come from others being accountable to us or being locked in a power struggle. We never do have power over anyone or anything permanently. Ever.

Perhaps, we get an apology, or someone tries to make up for being a jerk….we still never really feel fulfilled and the other person, more than likely is sitting on a land mine of resentment toward us. It’s an inauthentic way to live, which means we will always feel shitty and as though, something is missing, almost all the time.

Who does this triangle actually work for and how do we get off?

It works for those who see no other way. And by ‘it works’ what I mean, is they continue to survive their lives, never really living. Their voice is null and void, unless it’s whining, complaining, manipulating or looking at us as though we just beat up a puppy. This is not happiness…and it’s not the road there either.

The first action is to hold ourselves accountable. Screw holding anyone else (even if they do what we want today—tomorrow they can do something else-WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE) accountable. Look at where we blame someone else for a shitty situation. What is our part? Why do we allow it? What are we really trying to get? And what do we want outside of us to change?

The second action is to ACCEPT. Look at everything as it is, good, bad and ugly. Just say OKAY, because wishing it or someone would change–is like staring at a mountain and wanting it to be a moose.

The third action is keep trying to accept and notice where the resistance inside of us is located. What don’t we like about the situation? Where is that reflected within us? Find the pain. The outside is a reflection of our inner world…whatever we resist, persists…so we start loving ourselves as we are and we feel more peaceful.

The fourth is to see our truth. Where do we lie to ourselves? What makes us think this is the way to survive? Can we see another way by taking responsibility and making choices, in alignment with our heart? Love is always there—the more we love ourselves, the more we can actually listen to our truth.

Fifth action, comes from knowing number 4, 3, 2 and 1. Set boundaries. Decide what is acceptable to us and what we want our life to look like…then, WE MUST LIVE INTO IT. It’s not up to others to respect our boundaries first, it’s up to us. And boundaries are NOT walls or something to beat others up with, boundaries are a statement of our standards for living. Period.

 

This relationship just isn’t fun!

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This relationship just isn’t fun!

My adult daughter uttered that statement to me, as she was describing a text conversation with her ex-boyfriend. I thought about what she said, as much as she loved him and he still loved her, what he was doing at the moment was not fun.

She hit the magic word, “fun.”

Not to get in to the whole story, but he had been remiss in mentioning he was in a relationship when he reached out to her. He actually had reached out to her several times since their initial break up with words of love,  reminiscing about how amazing their relationship had been and missing her….and had actually seen her too.

My daughter was looking at the entire situation and his current relationship, which he had admitted he was settling for and exclaimed, it was not fun! Her whole perspective had changed. Sure, she remembered the great times, BUT to her, how he had changed was not appealing to her.

How many people are decisive in this way when it comes to their happiness? So many of us struggle to stay where it is not fun!

He was allowing his girlfriend to force him into sending messages to my daughter, because she clearly perceived her as a threat. Unfortunately, it’s a way to delude oneself into a sense of control. As most of us know, this is not fun, because she will be faced with the loss again at some point in the future. Remember folks, when we force our control on someone else, we are trying to hold onto something and not suffer a loss. And inevitably, we do lose, whether it is now or 20 years in the future.

Meanwhile, the awesome state of mind my daughter was holding is that she wanted nothing to do with the drama. Even with the barrage of text messages, which were meant to make her feel bad; she wasn’t taking it personally. Her only response at this point was one word, “okay.” No argument, just acknowledgement that his message was received.

I asked her if she felt like saying anything else. She said “no, I’ve stated things several times and he is going to do whatever he chooses to do,” she had let go. And she felt her ex wasn’t any fun anymore, that whatever fun there had been was gone.

Now, I am not placing judgment of right or wrong in this situation, just stating the obvious. What got me was the “fun.” How many of us get caught up in trying to win or have what we think we want, and there is no fun in it, only pain? Why do we want to hold onto someone when they clearly are not heart and soul in the relationship with us? Is this fun?

We can become so afraid of loss, that we act in ways, which constrict rather than expand. Love is expansive, attachment is to shrink. And a great indicator of where we are at between love and attachment is how much fun we’re having!

I receive emails everyday from people who are trying to let go of attachment to someone where there is not fun and pain is the overriding feeling, and they still hold on tightly. It is not that they are crazy or something is wrong with them, it is where they are placing a need for validation.

To also be clear, it is not that we need to have an expectation of fun as a  24/7 thing. In a healthy relationship, even when things are challenging, we can still be friends and have the goal of not allowing obstacles to destroy all the fun.

The need for validation, to fill an empty place in us or to be rescued can keep us in a relationship where fun is a rarity or completely missing, or it can keep us pining over someone we are no longer with…

And so, if we want to have fun in a relationship and on our own, we have to get clear in how we consistently support our own actions, which are not about fun.

Where do we control? Do we seek the answers inside or on the outside?

Do we want others to bend to our will, so we feel better?

These are questions to ask ourselves when our actions support our pain. Everyone deserves to have fun, in and out of a relationship…if you need help getting there, please let me know, info@tracycrossley.com

Power of Being Alone

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Before anyone gets the wrong idea, this isn’t about growing older as an individual with 12 cats, and watching TV for a sole source of entertainment for the rest of anyone’s life!

This is about STOPPING THE SACRIFICE and where our true power lies within us.

I talk to so many people who are stuck in shitty relationships everyday. Did I say, SHITTY? Yep, I did.

The sacrifices people make to stay for crumbs contains no “good enough,” excuse. The problem isn’t in the reasons we give to ourselves or others, it’s the belief we have of what is possible for us and our fears around it.

The following is a short list of what I hear from not just one person, but several; it isn’t an anomaly:

1. Long term relationships (marriage) where sex stopped years ago and it’s a roommate or friendly enough situation, that one can pretend to co-exist in by having enough other distractions available to them to make it bearable. (and if there is a lifestyle to be maintained with or without kids….people will put up with far worse and say its okay)

2. Relationships that are not based on a commitment to each other, although one person is definitely committed (and the other is supposedly torturing them)…and he or she stays committed even after the other person is out of their life.

3. Long term relationships, in which, it is a sexually open one and one person is cool with it while the other has grown a ton of resentment.

4. Being trapped in a relationship, because someone threatens suicide every time their partner thinks of leaving.

5. Living in a fantasy of the current mate suddenly turning into the partner of their dreams.

6. One partner being a parent to the other, so both are stuck in a disempowered and codependent situation. There is a great deal of anger and resentment, which comes as passive aggressive behavior or just passive….or just aggressive.

7. Staying in a relationship that is loveless…..while being in love with someone else.

8. Having some characteristics that are tolerable in a relationship, but fighting with oneself everyday to make those characteristics enough to stay.

9. My personal favorite and one I painfully experienced…the yo-yo relationship, the push/pull, the get close for a moment and be separated for days syndrome. The I love you so much, but can only be with you in limited amounts of time, or my head might explode from the intimacy…or happiness, or “insert word here.”

Again, this is just a short summary of all the ways we keep ourselves stuck in relationships, which are anything BUT based on LOVEThese relationships are about attachment, validation and fears from being alone, or being seen by others as a horrible person, parent or individual. 

Some of these people may fantasize about being alone and at the same time, feel drawn to staying in a loveless situation.

If we want to figure out why they are putting up with such shitty circumstances, all we have to do is look at some of the following:

1. Models–how did our parents (or step-parent) treat each other when we were growing up?

2. How were we treated? Were we not given much emotional connection–were we shown love?

3. Did we swear to do the opposite of how our parents acted in relationships?

4. Did we promise we wouldn’t be like mom or dad and rebelled to the other extreme?

As children we soaked up this knowledge and in most cases, it was not a conscious effort…it was through our subconscious that we learned the rules…just like eating with a fork and a knife. This also means all the things we didn’t want, are enmeshed in our subconscious too, based on the modeling of the adults in our environment.

Many people hope something magical will come along, like another person (or death of the mate) and rescue them. They set a time in the future when they think it will be okay to walk away, except they never do.

Here’s the deal. The power is in being alone when it comes to a choice between having a relationship that is sucking our life energy away, or to choose ourselves. In choosing us, we have the freedom to discover why we were attached, why the other person or relationship held the key to our validation as a person and learn where our most basic fear of abandonment lives to solve the issues.

We can prolong these UNCHANGING situations, but the key is to start getting real. The thoughts we have around being alone and relationships will continue to be the same unless we do something different.

Being alone is not a forever statement. It is a beginning. The power lies in not just the learning of our painful beliefs, but in making decisions that are supportive of who we are, and away from the trajectory of keeping a shitty relationship together.

Sleeping in two separate bedrooms, or together with walls between us is a far worse fate than spreading out on a king size bed alone. There at least is an opportunity for someone to join us someday. And in the meantime, we get to CREATE a super-juicy life experience.

Seriously, whatever we’ve held back from doing while engaged in these relationships is no longer an obstacle, once we find the courage to own our life.

Power of Insecurities IV

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Sounds like an oxymoron, right?

Most of us think there is nothing powerful about insecurities, in fact most of us want to hide them.

We go to great lengths to cover up the less than the desirable in ourselves, only to have those insecurities finding their own weird way to be expressed. When we ain’t looking or wrapping ourselves tight enough, an insecurity might slip out the back door!

Unfortunately, when the insecurity is unleashed in this manner….it tends to be an extreme or come off in a way that makes others want to run far away from us.

Feeling needy and insecure is not a bad thing. Hiding is what makes it an issue.

There is power in sharing our insecurities and how or why, we feel needy.

Every human being on the planet has insecurities. It’s part of our make-up to varying degrees. Those who have felt the most shame about their insecurities, tend to not only hide them more often, but overcompensate or under-achieve in just living their lives.

The most obnoxious or forceful person in the room is not at ease with his or herself and therefore will make someone else the object of negative attention. If they take the attention for themselves it’s to boast of their accomplishments or to point out how others do not measure up!

We’ve met people like this or perhaps, at times we’ve been this person. There is nothing powerful about the position, because it never fulfills us. It never can bring a sense of connection and happiness inside of us, when we are so disconnected from our truth.

When we connect to our truth, which is, each of us has insecurities, then the power is in accepting them; it becomes an invitation. Other people do not connect emotionally to our perfection and “no problem,” persona. They may keep us at arm’s length. Most of us are attracted to people who have issues too.

This doesn’t mean it’s time to throw all of our insecurities on the table and complain about them. On the contrary, it gives us and others’ the opportunity for our insecurities to not make out lives so complicated.

When others who know and love us are aware of our insecurities, they can make it easier rather than more difficult. Wait, what am I saying? Yes, I know some people think their insecurities can be used as a weapon against them, right?

Well, it’s not true when we accept our insecurities, first. If I’ve no problem with feeling a lack of confidence or trust in myself in certain areas, then it won’t matter if someone else minds. Why would it?

We cannot change our insecurities by force. Through accepting them, they become less toxic and problematic in our relationships.

If we’re lucky to have a partner, who is in tune with his or herself, then we can help each other to become more empowered with each of our insecurities.

Just because we’re told someone has an insecurity, doesn’t mean we solve it for the other person.

If we try to fix the insecurity of our partner, then two things are happening…the first is we are focusing on them, not our own stuff and this can become a problem in the relationship. We may take a superior stance or by making them our project, or trying to please them, so they’re okay. Our partner is not helped, because they will become reliant on us to provide that missing ingredient.

And what happens when we’re too tired to fix them or they want too much? All hell breaks loose, right?

Secondly, it’s not the eradication of insecurities that creates a healthy relationship with others. It’s the acceptance and ownership of our shit. If I can own that I’m provoked at times by my insecurities, it means I’m responsible for me. I’m not denying it or blaming someone else, I’m understanding my triggers and why I feel the anxiety or neediness. And of course, having a partner who is mindful, helps too.

If we know each other’s insecurities, it can be a place to grow.

We can be supportive of each other when we need to and yet, we don’t have to tell someone what to do or how to feel. We can offer our silence, our love, our words of encouragement. We can be genuine and have a conversation about it, without giving up our power to our partner to make them feel better.

If you’ve missed the first few posts on this series, here are the links:

The Power Of Presence

The Power Of Balance

The Power of Abundance

 

 

 

 

Treat Em’ Like You Love Em’

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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about….or so the saying goes….

Here’s the thing, we tend to treat others we don’t know in a way that is not our most natural state.

We’re usually trying to figure out where they stand or who they are before we let ourselves really show up, if at all. From strangers to blind dates…to acquaintances at a party, we may wear a different mask for each and decide to not give our true selves the spotlight.

If we’re going on a date with someone “new” (or first few dates) and we treat them as someone who would be important in our life, how good would that feel? We’d be fully present to our time together with that unknown potential and being okay with not knowing the outcome. Instead of focusing on safe subjects, the proper way to act to get another date or scare them off…what if we focus on connecting from our truest, most open self?

What if we allow our true selves to shine through with everyone we meet? Saying what we mean, doing what we want do, and feeling comfortable in our skin is a benefit to us all. It’s the only path to no regrets, no what ifs…and no second-guessing. Could we treat others importantly whether our time together is a minute or years? What do we have to lose?

Starting off being fully present and engaged…as though this is a life-long connection we’re creating without attachment to where it goes or how it turns out creates the most authentic of beginnings.

I thought about that when I went on a date, whether it turned out we were a match or not; I decided I wanted to feel good and special, so I made sure I stayed totally open. I wanted to experience being fully present and accepting things about this man that in the past, I may have ruled him out with a list that looked something like this (some are ridiculous, but it illustrates the point most of us won’t admit):

1. Mmmm…height-wise not up to the average I look for, so that I can wear my four inch heels.

2. He wore Uggs on our date in the rain.

3. He started talking about holistic health, as something too “woo woo” for him.

4. He never really asked me any questions about myself, I volunteered information, as I felt I wanted to share. (I accounted for the fact that he seemed nervous and eager to impress)

5. He asked strangers if one of them had pulled the other’s finger, because the thunder was so loud…it sounded like someone farted. 

Now here’s the thing…

I noticed these items, but I chose differently.

Instead of ruling him out or putting up walls….I stayed open. As most people who want or are in a long term relationship are aware, none of these on their own are a deal-breaker. If I’m being kind to myself and to my partner in the future, it won’t be based on what he wears or his height. I also know that one date will not tell me the truth of who he is and how he acts in relationships and it’s okay, to not know where this is going, if anywhere.

Unfortunately, many people who’ve been single have a list of ironclad first date deal-breakers, this rigidity is what will keep someone alone.

In treating him, as someone important to me (even for just the length of the date), I had a different connection with him. I looked at him as just a guy, someone who is giving me the gift of his time and sharing with me whatever he felt like bringing to the date.

In the past, I would’ve blocked or only allowed certain aspects of me to be present, waiting to see if I wanted another date or hoping I performed well, so there’d be another date.

Being real, loving ourselves and others right here, just in the moments we have to share can lead to all sorts of discoveries, fulfilling interaction and the possibility of long-lasting relationships.

 

 

Radical LOVE!!!!

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I recently wrote a post about how we attract others exactly where we’re at with ourselves.

“Let’s say your total love capacity is 60 gallons and only 20 gallons of that is love for yourself. You will attract someone else who is about 20 gallons of love.”

This is why self-love is radical love. It’s what makes the difference.

I’ve been spending a lot of my time loving me and radically changing the relationship I have with myself. I’ve been on the path for years, but it really didn’t click for me until I saw something in my relationships and those of my clients.

Most people have about 20-25 gallons or less of self-love within them, the rest is covered by fear or ego.

There’s a misconception that finding the right partner will make all the difference.

I don’t see how it can, because we’re the holders of our perception. We decide what we believe. If we have beliefs about ourselves that are highly negative, we’re probably holding about 10 gallons of self-love. How can we even expect that will change with the inclusion of someone else in our lives?

The statement, “wherever you go there you are,” applies to relationships too. Sooner or later the honeymoon phase wears off and if you have two people not loving themselves, where’s the love to give and where’s the opening to receive?

If I’ve no space to receive, which is what I use to attract: others who didn’t feel good enough to receive either, then what was I giving? The little bits and pieces I had to give came with a lot of attachment. I couldn’t give love freely, because I was practically starving from the lack of it myself.

The space to receive was nonexistent; it was filled with fear and waiting for someone to prove their worth, but of course that can’t happen when we’re both standing in the way of loving ourselves first. It’s like we believe someone else has to show us we’re lovable, except that never works!

We think something is wrong with someone who may show us love for no apparent reason. Some of us also think we need to compete in an MMA fight or some other suffering punishment before we feel we deserve some lovin’.

Recently, I was out walking, feeling connected to my joy—nature.

I was thinking about all the ways I started showing up differently for myself; from my use of language, to how I spend my time.

All the ways I’ve changed my level of self-love have started to show a return and while I was walking, I thought of the movie Eat, Pray, Love. I’ve watched it a million times. I’ve always liked the message.

Imagine my surprise when I came home and turned my TV on (a rarity) and there it was: Eat, Pray, Love playing not once, but twice in a row on the tube!

I found myself fascinated by the difference in my perception of the movie. I totally connected with her journey to self-love and not wanting to lose what she found.

I get it! I feel it!

I felt her meditation in Bali and later, her real fear of losing herself in a relationship. I loved it. I love that she discovered radical love! It shows it has nothing to do with another person.

Now, clearly most of us need more than an extended vacation on three different continents, but the gist is this little nugget: if you want big love, show yourself radical ways of love.

A few pointers:

1. Remove beliefs that no longer serve you when it comes to loving you. You deserve everything you want.

2. Release pent up emotions. I’m talking about old, old stuff. Whatever you have stuffed down, throw it up!

3. Look in the mirror and say, I love you (fill in your name). Do this once a day—it’s awkward at first, but watch what happens after a week. (I do and it makes a huge difference.)

4. Don’t ruminate over mistakes. Everyone makes them, so stop beating yourself up.

5. Don’t participate in drama. Seriously, another person’s instability is not yours to own, so release it. If they need a shoulder, be clear with your boundaries.

6. Oh yeah: have boundaries and stick to em’.

7. Do not deprive yourself of anything you truly want. Once you believe you deserve it, then treat yourself kindly and allow.

8. Accept yourself fully, completely, radically! Every bit of you: all of the zigs, zags and everything in between.

Those are just a few tips, but watch how radical love changes, who comes in and how you feel in your life.

You can also read this on elephant journal:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/radical-love/

PS–stay tune as this is part of my second new coaching program called: 5 Keys TO ATTRACTING BIG LOVE!!!

Relationships

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Why are most of our relationships so complicated with the opposite sex?

Perhaps there should be a dictionary for Menglish and Womenglish? After all, we have one for the English language and most others on this planet.

We believe we’re communicating our wants and needs. Sometimes, we think we’re right and the other is wrong.

How about if no one was wrong? What if it’s a lack of understanding….not necessarily of the other person, but of ourselves?

What if we believe we need something that we can’t define, and put it on the other person to fulfill?

Often, we have a picture in our head of what our relationship is supposed to look like, usually it has nothing to do with reality.

When we struggle in the relationship with the other person, we are trying to get a certain outcome…our outcome, not necessarily what is best for the relationship…but again, what we want to fill in the cracks or to satisfy our need.

It comes back to ourselves no matter if you’re male or female.

We may communicate differently, but the bottom line is–if we aren’t honest with ourselves, how can we possibly believe the results are going to be fulfilling?

We’re always going to want more when we are unclear as to why we feel how we do.

We’re going to blame our partner, if we haven’t become responsible for our own emotional state.

To be honest, authentic, true to ourselves requires us to move beneath our beliefs, our patterns and our protection to find what it is we truly want and need….and then it is up to us to fill it for ourselves first.

When we are aware of what we really want, it’s our responsibility to take care of it for ourselves. 

And what we really want is love and acceptance. 

Of course, we have to do that for us first, right? Otherwise how can we possibly know what it feels like to be loved by someone else?

Once we decide to really love and accept ourselves just as we are, we’ve certain beliefs and patterns, which make it a bit difficult to be consistent in our feelings.

Sometimes the walls we have built out of fear block our connection to our feelings of love. And fear can show in a number of ways from the beliefs we carry ourselves (we’re not good enough, unloveable, wrong, etc..) to the ways we act, speak and listen.

When we bring the person who we’re in a relationship with into the mix, they will more than likely trigger those beliefs and fears into overdrive. I equate the extremes it creates to that feeling, we’re outside of our bodies.

We take what is triggered and blame all men or all women. It’s not the case, we may speak different languages, because we process our reality differently, but it’s not a sex thing.

It’s a trigger thing, which depending on our level of awareness can make the language barrier even wider.

Our differences in communication become weapons when we feel we’re not being heard or again, getting what we THINK want.

What can we do?

There’s plenty of advice I can offer, tools that work in creating clarity, communication and understanding. It’s a matter of putting these things into action, not waiting for the other person to figure it out and taking responsibility for how we feel.

First. Stop whatever struggle you are engaged in with another. If you pause, and take a breath, you can see how much energy is tied up physically in that battle.

Second. If you stop the struggle for a moment, try to find a sense of calm, because it’s time to dig deeper. If you can’t get to total calm, go for a walk or do some other activity to release some anxiety.

Third. If you have a sense of calm, it’s time for the question, “What do I need right now?”

And whatever it is, no matter if it makes you vulnerable or you feel like you’re swallowing your pride, admit whatever it is to yourself, but at least…ASK. You deserve to ask. You deserve to ask yourself first to fulfill the request and then ask another.

Fourth. The inner critic, voices of old beliefs and protective walls.

These stand in between you and what you want. You can’t conquer them in one day, but get to know them…make friends with them. See what stories they tell you and bit by bit, allow them to go on their merry way. Don’t hold onto them any longer than necessary.

Fifth. You are flawed, he or she is flawed…we’re all flawed and no matter if it is Menglish or Womenglish…learn to speak the language without taking it personally.

If you want more tips, check out a FREE teleseminar I am doing on May 30th at 5 p.m. PST. You can watch this video, which explains in some detail what the seminar is about…or you can just sign up by clicking here and then scrolling to the bottom of the page.