I’m Not Her.

ghost-345716_1280I’m not her anymore.

As authentic as I always figured I was, and even more so now, the clarity I have achieved has not come easily.

There are things I don’t want to admit, yet I do end up coming clean¬†and if you listen to my podcast you’ve probably heard everything besides what brand of toilet paper I use.

I’m not her, I’m not the woman or the girl that I used to think I was. I’m nothing like her now.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just a thing.

As someone who has spent most of her life as an avoidant, it’s really interesting to move away from what I used to be.¬†I struggle at times with the old tendency to isolate rather than¬†going both feet into my¬†social life and dating. I do date, but it comes in waves and the men I date are¬†different than men in the past. And I am different too.

I’m more me. I’ve been tempted to wear pajamas and slippers out on a date. LOL. I’ve gotten that comfortable with myself. Although (lucky for my dates) I prefer¬†getting dressed and looking how I want to look.

I’m no longer someone¬†who is willing to put forth so much effort. I’ve done it and it’s¬†painful. I was at yoga recently with a friend of mine and midway through I had a meltdown. Not a bad meltdown. It was a good one.

I felt as though I was looking down on myself as I was on the floor, in a pose. I felt compassion for for all the hard work and effort that person on the floor had put into trying to be accepted and loved. Then realizing what a total waste it had been.

Not because of other people, but because I never had to do it in the first place; I just didn’t know it at the time.¬†I didn’t know my life would work so much better just being me, open to receiving and creating. Not that my life is perfect. Nope it’s not.¬†But I don’t really put that¬†energy out there anymore; that effort into pleasing and being “perfect”. And if I start to, I catch myself, because I’m not her anymore.

Now I am working on not being alone. I realize a big part of me has been since I was a little kid. Out of all the things I’ve overcome and my belief system, this has been the hardest thing in the world.¬†Call it independence or call it being really protective and not trusting myself. I trust myself more than I used to, but clearly if I’m still alone, I must not be all the way there.

I’m not sure. All I¬†know is that I don’t need to keep fighting or force things or make demands.¬†I have surrendered. I’m not her anymore.

I like myself. Actually, I love myself a whole hell of a lot more than I used to when I was her. 

And as I write this I just wonder… where did I get the idea that being unhappy was my destiny by trying to be what I thought was acceptable? I didn’t, she did.

I’m not her anymore.

Tool For Self-Love

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I created a meditation on self love, you can find it here on YouTube. 

Self-love is a topic most of us do not understand, we associate it with activities rather than understanding how to feel into it. Our feelings appear to fall behind our intellect when we place rules of engagement with life in front of them.

We have strategies for living and sometimes they mimic self-love, but in the end we tend to shortchange ourselves on what we actually deserve. We deserve so much more love than many of us were impressed upon to believe and therefore our value is up for grabs.

We place the value on achievements, validation and living with the rules in our heads. Our hearts can end up buried under all this luggage.

If you have about 18 minutes (that’s how long the meditation is), please listen in and start feeling into “making” space to let love inside. Enjoy! ‚̧

Chasing, Tripping And Falling Down

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Have you ever found yourself running after something? Literally or metaphorically? As in, wanting something so bad, whether it wants you or not?

It’s a single-minded attachment to having that person, place or thing, right?

Often we may hide it. No one really knows what we deeply desire and so we covertly chase after it; wishing, wanting, praying, hoping and putting immense energy to shoving it down, so we seem like we really don’t want it to the rest of the world.

But we do! We want it sooooo bad!

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do we at times openly chase something, and at other times ‘act’ like its no big deal, even though we want it just as much?

Because we feel we cannot have it.

We don’t deserve it, aren’t good enough, haven’t proven ourselves, want to appear above it–not needing (or needy), and so these deeply held shiteous beliefs run our lives delivering exactly what that barren desert ending is… the one confirming our worst fears.

Rita felt like everything was always a struggle. Her marriage had been, her kids, work, maintaining the house and the financial responsibility. It always fell on her shoulders. She divorced, moved, and was sorta, kinda, speaking up at work, BUT she still felt stuck.

She also found herself hooked on someone from her past, totally impossible to let go of and it made her crazy!

She wanted a relationship, but nothing in her life reflected one coming to her without major¬†struggle. She felt it was too hard, not¬†enough good men and believed she possessed¬†some deep flaw that kept okay ones¬†at a distance! If you met her, you wouldn’t know any of this, because she appeared to have it together!

Her energy was focused on the past guy, while she longed for a real partnership, she would chase after the old one; send him text messages, call him, ask him out and so on. He would respond once in awhile, but her hard work just didn’t yield the results.

Why did she work so hard for nothing? Chasing, tripping and falling down….and then blaming herself for her fatal flaw.

Andrea is in a relationship with someone who does not share her lifestyle, or too much of her life. He is very attentive to his own life, squeezing her in when he has time. She drops everything when he calls and anytime she brings up the state of their relationship he gets angry that she doesn’t understand where he’s at.

To her, he is better than her ex, they have fun when they are together, but she comes up empty when viewing it as a true partnership. She doesn’t feel heard, or seen and¬†has told herself¬†to work harder, be more available and just be patient.

She has worked at it as though it’s her last hope, embodying¬†everything she feels¬†is expected of her and is afraid to let go.

Both women are committed to¬†struggle, but couldn’t see the pattern clearly. They both didn’t feel they deserved better, even though both repeated the sentiment that they deserved so much more quite often!

What about Sheila? She works hard and is successful in her career; she’s never had a real committed relationship as an adult. To others she appears to not need or want one, but to her, no matter what it seems a relationship is elusive, leaving her feeling lonely, isolated and trying to fix other people. Her deepest desire is to get married and yet she chased after her greatest success:¬†her career.

She only knows how to chase after what she wants and has found herself tripping into a bad ending each time she does it in her personal life.

Some of us are in total denial that we want something different than what our life looks life. Fear of wanting more, keeps us from relaxing by allowing ourselves to believe we will receive what we want. Fear makes us feel greedy or that our desires are unattainable.

Fear leads us to chase.

We chase for a variety of reasons:

  • To purposely¬†fall down, proving to ourselves we really can’t have what we want.
  • Go after¬†the wrong people, places and things:¬†It¬†looks acceptable from¬†the judgment of others, but we don’t really want any of it¬†and¬†don’t trust we can¬†have what we REALLY want. Interestingly enough, when chasing what we don’t want, somehow we find ways (unconsciously) to fail, or if outside validation is extremely important we’ll succeed only to suffer a lack of fulfillment.
  • To stay busy.
  • Thinking it will solve the problem of the void within us.

On top of it–it’s a narrow vision, and it can be exhausting to be wrapped up in the intellectual pursuit of the chase.¬†Keeping it narrow, instead of appearing to want more, gives the impression of remaining stationary, so it doesn’t threaten our relationships.

Nature desires more life everyday–it grows. If humanity didn’t want more, we’d all still be living in a cave.

How do you get more into your life without chasing it?

  1. Admit you want more, perhaps different or scary, because it may mean loss.
  2. Become visible. Most of the time if we’re chasing, we don’t have a connection to our deepest desire (not the emptiness or belief something outside of us can solve the problem), because if we did, it means we’d have to stop hiding out.
  3. Time to be available. Many of us are shut down to wanting more or what seems impossible, so we’re unavailable to actually having it. Notice where you have a wall, shield or act in opposition to the deeper desire.
  4. Relax. It’s not time to eat bonbons, but to release¬†going after things a full time job.
  5. Oh yeah, get rid of plan B, and start living Plan A, when you do take inspired action toward what you actually want–it’s never a chase. It is taking small steps forward, in alignment with your real goal. Totally different energy, totally different outcome.
  6. Give yourself validation by building trust that you can take appropriate action for your aspirations. You can do it!

Want some help in learning what you really want and how to have it without force? Schedule a discovery session to see if we would be a good fit!

Being Real Or Being Numb? Why It Matters.

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Do you ever act or speak in ways to be accepted or looked to as someone who has your shit together?

I mean, having the appearance of being ‘real’?¬†Down to Earth?

For years, people said that of me.

I said that of me too.

It wasn’t true.

Being numb can seem like real or¬†calm to the world, it gives the impression that all is well, until, well, it isn’t.

If a crisis happens, or even better, if someone criticizes you….how do you feel?

Do you feel shame? Are you cringing, as though you’ve finally been found out? Do you do a ‘mental’ scramble to get back in auto-pilot,¬†appear¬†in control?

It’s really a sign of being numb. Numb, numb, numb…until a sharpshooter pierces your veil. Unraveling the¬†‘real’ disconnection to yourself.

Insulated, in control of all circumstances (it gives the impression¬†of peace/calm), builds¬†a small world. Even if you travel, move residence, buy or sell a company, a car, get in a relationship….or go to yoga, in other words the appearance looks like¬†action….but you still¬†feel bad.

Appearances aren’t¬†the true story.

Being numb means repetition: buy more, sell more, travel more, work more and so on.

Taking you¬†back and forth between calm and anxiety. Calm when all is under control, and anxious when it appears you can’t trust what is happening.

Yup……..

I know this so well. SO WELL.

I journaled this morning, thinking about my recently hiring two different coaches, for two different areas of my life. And how in the past, when I hired someone, I looked to outsmart them! As though, the issue was to prove I was okay, successful, etc, so I could believe help was useless. To appear evolved was more important than my happiness and well-being.

I went to therapy only to be told I was too evolved.

Really?

No way.

I knew I could intelligently explain what was going on with me, speak psychology, but really…I wouldn’t have been sitting in their offices,¬†had I not been suffering from a shit-ton of anxiety.

Being real was NOT happening, there was NO vulnerability.

I intellectually leveled the playing field, so the therapist had no more knowledge or power than me. Crazy right? If I was feeling inferior and wanted to show I was superior, how the fuck could I get help?

It took me a long time (this scenario was over a decade ago) to get it emotionally. The defensive way I stood ground, proving no one could help me. Oh brother!

I looked calm, in charge and connected. I WAS NUMB. Until something out of my control happened. In the form of a relationship or monetary loss, or some security. Anxiety would pull me a long day after day, while I intellectually tried to solve the problem.

Intellectually trying to resolve feelings or emotions makes¬†you numb…there’s a wall inside of you keeping REAL out. It¬†locks¬†out fulfillment, while¬†protecting¬†your stale belief system.

Your world gets smaller. Being real requires emotional risk. Not actions that just look like risk, like quitting your job and moving to a third world country to help people. It requires emotionally being connected to your WHY, to challenging yourself to break open, to breathe, relax, allow, trust, YOURSELF and life.

By smaller, being unaware¬†that your life is HUGE repetition of last year.¬†It’s¬†familiar, you don’t go deep and act from there. Numbness is preferred. REAL possibility doesn’t exist, because¬†you repeat the past.

How is it real? Being numb matters, because YOU never experience life at the level of inner fulfillment.

Being real means non-attachment to outcomes, being emotionally present and stepping into UNLIMITED possibilities! A numb control freak cannot do it.

For me it’s having help,¬†allowing it.¬†So,¬†if¬†I start disregarding advice… I ask: will this help me if I¬†disprove it? Or will I be more fulfilled, successful, happy and so on, allowing a helping hand….by being real and vulnerable?

It¬†matters¬†to live this way. It sparkles! Being real is a flow, it’s a free ride, because the cost of being numb and rigid to old ways is gone. Every time I say YES to help, to emotional risk and listening to my heart–my external circumstances bring more fulfillment–connection.

Want to break out of the numbness? Want an opportunity to really grab onto a shooting star and FEEL amazing? Schedule a discovery session, we can dive into together!

 

What’s Your Weirdness EQ?

Everyone is weird.

We’ve all heard that in so many quotes that have surfaced, right?

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Most people cringe when they think of how being weird might negatively affect them. What is a weirdness EQ? It’s your ability to emotionally handle your weirdness!

Yes, I made it up, but wouldn’t that be cool if there was a Weirdness EQ? Emotionally aware and accepting of your little quirks?

Hiding weirdness is a social disease; it ain’t got nothing to do with reality. In reality being human makes us weird. It makes us different and therefore it can make us lovable.

I owned a wonderful fa√ßade¬†for years, which¬†wouldn’t allow my weirdness to show.

But now… I’m a super freak!¬†How about you?

My sense of humor runs the gamut of really disgusting to slapstick. My likes and dislikes show me how much I don’t fit into the mainstream. And I’m quite all right with not being PC.

Most of us want to appear normal so we’re not abandoned. It also means working at jobs which we hate or don’t suit us in the least. We may be depressed and not know why. For those of us that have felt different, we may think we always look weird (as though it stands out before we walk in the door) and that makes us uncomfortable.

We hope nobody can tell.

I’m not talking about acting goofy or childish, which is fun! I’m talking about just the weird things were drawn to and how we express ourselves. If you’re like me, you’re the curious type. Being¬†curious about most things, which¬†might be¬†completely unacceptable to others, can make you appear weird.

But, weirdness is where I bond.

Before I connect with¬†somebody else, a guru, a mentor or friend, I make sure they’ve actually shared characteristics about themselves which¬†show they’re weird or unique–something which means they’re human. Think about the multitudes on Facebook who share shiny inspirational messages, but hide out in not showing themselves. There’s no sign of life or weirdness and¬†I find it hard to follow–it’s boring and in the end, not inspirational.

I want to know the¬†reality of the life of the person who is posting a meme or even speaking to me in private. I say let your uniqueness show. Isn’t that where we all connect?

What about doing work or being in a relationship where we hide qualities we think might be threatening to other people?

What if you’re the CEO of the company and you can’t stand showing up for work each day? But you want it to appear that you’re happy and successful so nobody really knows how much you suffer. We all help one another when we let our weird show. Anybody who is threatened by it is actually threatened by their own weirdness. One small caveat–just cuz you embrace your weird, doesn’t mean you should use it as a form of torture on others who may not share your view.

Being weird is a human tradition. Isn’t it what all great comedies are based on to some degree? The ability to laugh at yourself, but to also embrace your weird, because that bit of uniqueness could be the missing ingredient to your¬†creating a life based on real happiness.

I came up with this list of questions, weirdly random. I answered them, so now it’s your turn.¬†I’d love for you to do it¬†in the comments below!

Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes and had mud-fights too.

What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?¬†I can’t see! What day is it? I don’t remember this hole in my pajamas! Is this where I wanted to wake up….¬†where’s my coffee!?

If you could be any age for a week, what would it be and why? I think I’d be three or four. I want to play in a carefree way, with no responsibility. My sole goal is to get up and play… and take a nap. Yup, that would be fun!

Have you ever eaten a crayon or glue? I have eaten paste as a child. I think I may have munched on some crayons too.

Do you talk to yourself? Yes, and I sing to myself too.

Do you know your heritage?¬†It’s actually ‘weirdly’¬†interesting and too long to share here.

What was a weird thing you did as a teenager? Drove with my friends in search of an infamous midget village in Long Beach. We combed the streets looking for this fabled land where everything was supposed to be small. Reminds me of the time I went snipe hunting.

I am sure there are more, but this is all I can remember right now.

Most bizarre talent? Hmmmm…touching my tongue to my nose or chin? I used to be able to burp many letters of the alphabet!

What is one thing you believe right now, you would never do on purpose? Skydive!

Ok… your turn!

Choosing Sides. Who Wins?

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No one.

My daughter was texting me about a problem with her friend. Apparently, there were two ‘different sides’ to the same scenario and the inclusion of a third party (my other daughter), who wasn’t there…but who possesses¬†an opinion.

What’s the point of choosing sides, when as we all know…the truth lies somewhere in the middle or way out beyond the perceptions of all involved (including opinionated observers) in¬†the situation.

We’re all responsible for what happens in our lives, period.

Anger? Time to look within.

You don’t win by¬†being self-righteousness, shaming and justifying your position.

Defending oneself or someone else; no winner there. Blaming? Hypocritical and energy wasted.

The real problem is not addressed when sides are taken (so we feel better about our position). Others who¬†have a chip on their shoulder regarding¬†the offending party (depending on who’s side you choose) can make it messier and more ridiculous than the original issue.

My daughter wanted my input on how to respond to her friend’s long,¬†emotional text messages. It was just¬†heavy, like too many¬†ornaments on the tree.

Reminded me of¬†a conversation with my mother, which involved some ‘old’ stuff. She asked if I really thought she didn’t love her grandkids (uh…yeah, this was from an old argument, which of course did nothing to better anything)…and I said, I didn’t know, but the way she spoke about them at times was disparaging and I didn’t like it.

She replied with “I was just defending you,” as I listened, all I thought was “No.” I told her, “I don’t want you to defend me against them, I don’t ever want to be defended….in any part of my life–it implies a totality that I’m right, they’re wrong.”

It’s draining to think¬†of my story, your story or anyone’s story,¬†in supporting the position we each take in a disagreement or in choosing a side.

All those gyrations serve are in avoiding the real issue, the deeper truth.

Communication in these instances by all parties is problematic.

Whether it’s lying to ourselves first¬†or lying to others to maintain a facade….many people don’t realize they do it, because their intention is to NOT¬†lose.

All human beings are hypocrites. Welcome to being human.

In my daughter’s situation, her and her friend both had justified POV’s about the situation that occurred. They did agree there was a misunderstanding and miscommunication. My daughter apologized and her friend kept going…

She wanted validation in blaming my daughter for the current situation.

How could this end well?

I reflected on my own life, my refusal to defend myself when the circumstances are skewed, because it isn’t the real issue. Choosing sides, right versus wrong, and so on are all…. perceptions meant to validate feelings. Most people don’t purposely set out to do something wrong, but depending on who’s observing … it can become blown way out of proportion to the actual issue.

When we go against ourselves–denying how we really feel, doing what doesn’t serve us, which includes¬†allowing people to walk on our boundaries (cuz we didn’t honor them for ourselves), people please, be the rescuer,¬†insecure¬†and acted in ways to support those patterns…eventually it comes falling down.

That’s the real issue.

It’s inauthentic.

As humans we all seek to be understood, loved and connected.

Choosing sides, shaming another or being self-righteous, will never serve to bring us closer together (personally that’s my cue to exit stage left). Taking responsibility for how YOU¬†put yourself in the position to have had a misunderstanding¬†will lead you to real empowerment and clarity.

It’s hard to be authentic, all the time, but true authenticity is not perfection, it’s owning your shit.

Own¬†where you sold yourself short to create the untenable situation and move on. Staying stuck in the problem, defending yourself, dragging the neighborhood in to decide who’s a better character is useless, you still don’t win.

Seek to be understood when you can, but make sure you’re connected to your own truth, in support of your own boundaries and be kind, as often as possible. No one is a loser or a winner, we’re all just different perspectives depending on our experiences….

And please remember, we’re all human.

 

40ish Reasons Why You’re Stuck and How To Get Unstuck!

The items listed here alone or together, do create havoc in our ability to move forward.

Learn¬†all the deeper¬†reasons why you¬†MIGHT be¬†stuck….

And of course….. how to get out!

1. You were raised with the¬†rules, structures and models of others…you have no clue as to how to live by your own rules. How do you stop? Break those rules.

2. You’re afraid. Deal with it, as Suzanne Jeffers¬†said, “Feel the fear and do it anyways.”

3. You enjoy growing old, bitter and miserable, because you keep saying NO, when deep inside, you mean YES or vice versa. Start saying what YOU actually feel.

4. You text when you should call. Call! Better yet, have a face to face conversation.

5. The absolute wrong things are important to you. You’re more worried about what someone else will say or do and you hold back–BECAUSE IT’S MORE IMPORTANT than what you want, or feel. It’s time to re-evaluate this one precious life you currently embody.

6. You’re a failure. Congrats! You’re part of the human race, get over it and keep on truckin’. Failure is subjective–learn–grow–keep moving.

7. You’re a loser. So what? And yesterday’s winner will be tomorrow’s loser and so on, read a history book, this isn’t permanent, so don’t treat it like it is!

8. You need validation from an asshole. Someone important in your early life didn’t give you the love you needed, and you’re still looking for a sign that you’re okay…from someone who doesn’t want to give it to you. Learn to validate yourself.

9. You’re afraid to be alone. Well, isn’t it fairly lonely being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t get you, like you or want to share a bed with you? Start now. Today. Begin liking your own company, get clear on why you think there’s no one else and deal with your worth…grow your confidence.

10. You think you have to be the hare. People carry the delusion that change needs to be abrupt, like a sword cutting everything down at once, so they’re afraid to make a move. Be the turtle (he’s still moving).

11.Treating life like a destination. It’s not. Ever. ¬†Til we’re not alive anymore. Everything changes around us, why do we as humans think we’re any different? We’re not. Remind yourself it’s a journey and just because this sounded good yesterday, and it feels like crap today….doesn’t mean you should stay where you don’t want to be.

12. You’ve stunted your own growth. Funny thing with the fear of outgrowing those around us, it can keep us stunted for our entire lives. What is the quality of those relationships? Are you fulfilled? Happy? Do you feel trapped? It’s time to allow yourself to be honest, with yourself and others, about what you want and where you’d like to head (you can be the turtle).

13. ¬†You can’t let go. It was so good at one time–at least the 1st 24 hours and you want to recapture it. Buy a dog or a cat, release one little finger at a time by going through the pain of attachment,¬†it’s not about them…it’s about you…and you have the cure; it’s time to feel your real feelings.

14. You’re a martyr. Self-sacrifice is a debt that will never be fully repaid. No one else but you cares and those who you want to be impressed with your pinning yourself to a cross aren’t, they actually despise you for it…or even worse have indifference toward you. STOP. Re-evaluate the goal. Are you getting what you want by being self-less? Become selfish (ie. not self-absorbed–which martyrs are–except for those who actually did it for the greater good)

15. You’re a victim. You need to blame everything outside of you for being stuck. Take responsibility for yourself and your choices.

16. You make bad choices on purpose. See #15. You don’t believe you deserve better, so you make choices, which keep you stuck. It’s an excuse. ¬†Become aware of every decision you make, does it induce pain or pleasure?

17. You love to complain. It’s a cycle. You grew up with it…it’s everywhere, you’re just doing what everyone else does. This is non-action, no sympathy here. Decide to change your position in the situation you complain about, understand WHY you’ve preferred being stuck. It’s a very old answer.

18. Being a doormat works for you. This is a benefit, otherwise no one would do it. Get to know the benefit and find why that benefit works for you (are you afraid of loss?)…..then replace it with actual self-fulfillment, by pleasing yourself.

19. You watch reality TV. Think I am kidding? What do we avoid by watching someone else’s drama?¬†Demeaning others makes us feel good? Turn off the TV (at least the yelling, fighting and over the top drama) and¬†join your life–by being PRESENT.

20. You don’t trust yourself. When you don’t trust you–you don’t trust others. Not trusting means #16. Not trusting means you believe you can’t handle disappointment. Develop emotional resilience; it’ll make you trust the only person you should: YOURSELF.

21. Perfect picture syndrome. The belief that has never, ever, ever been the REAL picture of your relationship, job or life is somehow going to be destroyed if you get unstuck from the hellfire you live in daily. Waiting for that picture to come thru is waiting for the 12th of never. Start seeing reality as it is, not as you want it to be and accept it….as it is.

22. Your patterns rule you. Self-awareness is nil. You’ve no idea why your stuck in the same dance. Wake up. Really wake up! Pay attention to what triggers you to keep repeating history, daily.

23. You are dishonest. You lie to yourself and to the people who you could set free with the truth, or dramatically change things with, because you’re afraid of what will happen, so nothing changes. Get honest–dig deep, get to know what is your truth and then state it…..out loud.

24. You’re a control freak. You’d rather keep misery as company, because you know it and so you show up the same way all the time, so the balance of power doesn’t tip. Until it does. LET GO. You’re stuck in a merry-go-round that goes nowhere. You’re control is an illusion and it scares the shit out of you to think of showing up how YOU really want to, because you can’t control what would happen.

25. Scarcity. There’s not enough. Bullshit. Get clear on why you think there’s so little and shift to a more abundant thinking, slowly (like the turtle), placing focus there rather than on a void.

26. You’ve been hurt, disappointed, screwed over and so on. People can be immobilized for years, out of fear of supposed bad things happening again. Life is an experience, why would you block an experience and keep living in the SAME daily soap opera in your mind of what possibly could happen?

27. Risk is a four letter word. So is FUCK, both are action words, when you add an ‘ing’….you have verbs. If your inner critic, judge and jury are keeping you inert, because of whatever happened in the past, you’re a prisoner of your own thoughts. Time to have a Q&A with all those people in your head, once you get some clear answers…its four letter word time!!!

28. You have no meaningful standards for your life. What do you want your life to FEEL¬†like? What are you doing to achieve it? How do others treat you? If you have “I don’t know” as your answer to those questions….it’s time for you to make some boundaries. The only way to have a boundary is to live your boundaries–be them–don’t compromise, because when you’re treated poorly, you’re not living in a meaningful way.

29. Shame. Shame. Shame. It’s probably the most toxic of all feelings to our growth, love, happiness and pleasure in our lives. We shut up, shut down, run away and hide when we feel shame. It’s someone (real or not) telling us we’re worthless, stupid, bad, etc…and we believe it on some level. Stand up to shame, show it who you are (even the part of you that was made to feel shame) and accept that you’re imperfect, but still damn cuddly and lovable…and your opinion matters most…to yourself!

30. You absolutely refuse to accept yourself. You’re trying to live up to some expectation (real or imagined) that keeps you stuck right where you are. Be disappointing, throw everything up in the air and rearrange it where you want when it lands. ¬†Accept all the cute little dark things in your closet, we all got em’ and relax a bit on who you think you should be…and be who you are.

31. Your dreams don’t come true. Yes they do, just believe in them and do things that align with those dreams. (instead of the opposite)

32. There’s no love. When you’re stuck, where’s the love? There might be a life jacket or something to hold onto, but REAL LOVE has to be watered regularly and it grows. Stuck doesn’t equal growth. Start deserving love today–do loving things for yourself NOW.

33. You’re waiting to be saved (rescued). Admit it, if it’s true and then save yourself.

34. You’re numb, distracted or convinced that you can cobble the pieces of¬†your life together. Get un-numb, realize it is un-fun….and ask yourself the tougher questions…if today was your last day on earth is this how you’d want to live?

35. Emotional intimacy= vulnerability; no thank you! Being in a stalemate keeps others at a distance, you find excuses to not get closer or make any movement, because you could be destroyed in the process. Protection is also an illusion, so try stripping naked and being real, you’ll feel better, no matter what happens.

36.¬†Committing to real happiness, love or a healthy relationship feels overwhelming. There you stay–stuck–moving forth–moving backwards, rinse, repeat. Like a yoyo, you never make progress, because every time you do–you run like your foot is on fire, no matter how great the opportunity! Relax. Really relax. Breathe….allow yourself to be in the moment, understand the urge to bolt is about yesterday, not today.

37. Refusing help. First you gotta wanna help yourself to get unstuck and second, you want to enlist someone who can help you see what you might be missing. Admit you want a life, then get a flashlight (preferably one being held where you can see what isn’t clear) and start to re-arrange/organize that closet.

38. You’re stuck in the past. See number 13. If you think your glory days are behind you–then you’re immobilized to create glorious days in the present. Get grounded here and start loving what is….then you will create more of it….and voila! Your glory days are now!

If you need some help getting unstuck, please feel free to give me a ring, 818.279.1735 or an email Tracy AT tracy crossley.com. I’d be happy to help you create the present and future you’ve always wanted.

Do you need an apology?

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Most of us think, if we just had that apology from someone who has hurt us or done something we deem as wrong, then we’ll feel better.

Is that ever really true?

Of course, it’s lovely if someone takes responsibility for their words and actions, but what impact does it really have on our inner world?

Do we feel validated? Or that we weren’t nuts, thinking the other person’s behavior was out of line….what do we actually get that feeds us, if we’re already taking caring of ourselves?

Recently, I asked myself the question, “Do you need this apology?”

I’d received a text from someone who as of late last year, I’d stopped seeing after a very long¬†on/off, “learned a lot about myself” kind of relationship.

The text was followed by a call; the voicemail he left, stated his desire to apologize for being the jackass in my life. (his words)

At first, I was caught off-guard, but then I asked…did I need his apology? What would it do for me? Uh….Nothing.

Not an angry ‘nothing‘….. more of a resolve for myself. I’m okay, I don’t hate him or feel he owes me anything. I’ve taken full responsibility for participating and allowing his behavior to have been a source of discontent…..or so… I thought.

I found myself in the days that followed with¬†‘scattered moments’ of a long past scene or a situation, playing out in my mind. Times¬†I had forgotten about, and ones,¬†in which, I’d left myself somewhere else. It was good they came up! I understood¬†to a greater degree, where I was¬†emotionally back then, why I’d been there and what kept me emotionally chained to something, which never really delivered…

I didn’t want to give him hell.¬†I have no idea his current intentions. It doesn’t matter, because nothing he’d say has the power to remove¬†what happened between us.

Back then, I’d lived in the land of potential, listening to promises and some kind of crazy hopeful expectations.

And now,¬†I had awareness, understanding… I’d forgiven myself….and him. A long time ago.

Needing to have an apology from someone is secondary, when we take responsibility for our part.

Accountability is a personal thing, we cannot force others to show up how we want or wait for the day, when he or she wakes up and smell the coffee! NO ONE OWES US. And I mean, NO ONE.

Perhaps, in the movies a proclamation and an apology from the leading man to his beloved for his misbehaving seems to be the cure all to the emotional tension in the audience. We NEED that apology!

I’ve witnessed it when I’ve coached couples, one is waiting for that damn apology and the other may have given it a million times or be reticent to give it! If our mate has apologized so many times, what is it we actually want? What is going to fill that space inside that is clearly NOT taken care of with an apology? ¬†Why do we want to remain a victim to the story in our mind, which holds someone we love as the blame?

And if our mate refuses to cop to the responsibility, because of shame, or its a power struggle…what is really going on there?

We’re the ones¬†to resolve our own¬†feelings inside of us. When we wait or fingerpoint, it takes us away from the connection we have to our own power. ¬†Empowerment doesn’t come from an apology; it comes from within.

This doesn’t mean we should allow someone who loves us to treat us badly.

It means we have to take responsibility for being there (remaining there) in the first place. The excuses, the reasons and everything, which placed us in that relationship. When we understand the dance we do with someone else, which in the case of dysfunction, is to make sure, some of our less positive beliefs about ourselves are proven true…we’re then empowered enough to be set free….whether we get an apology or not.

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If you’d like to hear more from me, please check out my weekly radio show. You can visit my website for past shows or join my Facebook Group for the latest news.

The Manifesting List

Ever wonder how the same things continue to show up? Feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle or keep attracting similar situations?

Check out this list on how you do it and how to gain more control.

  • Whatever we give our attention to, grows.

So, if you want more of it, keep doing it and if you want less, focus elsewhere. Have gratitude for what ‘is’ and focus less on what you wish it would be….watch how more of what you want, actually shows up.

  • Lies are based on a belief that you may¬†lose something or be embarrassed by the truth.

It’s¬†a sign of lack of trust in the self to handle disappointment. Want to really attract amazing people and opportunities, start getting real with yourself and see what you are denying.

  • If you believe that all relationships turn bad or end, you will fulfill that goal. Your subconscious is the map, it tells the conscious mind where to go.

Do you have a negative belief about you or relationships, guess what? The subconscious will fulfill it for you. Instead, get a spotlight to shine on the WHY behind the belief and get uncomfortable, as you take action in a positive direction. (funny, how the words uncomfortable and positive go together) This will create new beliefs.

  • If you believe more good exists inside of you than a voice kicking your butt, the perception you have will make sure¬†the¬†outside will match. (even when negative circumstances arise–you will see it as temporary, not life defining)
  • Engaging in¬†playing games, means sooner or later you’ll end up the loser. Be real.

Authenticity gives your life real¬†meaning. When you play a part, the return on it, never is permanent. Dig deep to find your truth–then act on it, without attachment to the outcome. Most of the time, your results are 9000% better than if you had faked it til you won it.

  • If you don’t believe you have value, you’ll look for situations affirming this belief or create them to show you are indeed, without worth.

Awareness of these core beliefs and questioning their validity will help you to not get triggered into going down the same ol’ road.

  • In¬†loving someone, try to tell¬†your conscious mind it doesn’t mean attachment or expectations are included in the deal.

No one else can fix you or make life better, unless you’re already doing something about it–so even if the love of your life came through the door, nothing would feel one iota better, until you fulfill your own needs first.

  • No matter how much you love someone you cannot stop them from doing self destructive or stupid shit, only they can stop themselves if they want to….or not.

Let go of trying, let go of taking them and their actions personally. You can do nothing to change them, unless they are already doing it themselves.

  • If you really sit with the discomfort inside of you, that you may want someone else to relieve, you’ll find you are your own best medicine.

Stay with the anxiety, the neediness, the emptiness or whatever it is causing you pain. It won’t kill you and you’ll find the temporary relief you get from someone else doesn’t compare to the permanent relief you can offer yourself.

  • Assumptions are dream killers–you can talk yourself out of anything you want (especially if it requires change) just by assuming some story, which may or may not be true. ¬†

If you don’t know, it’s okay, because even if you THOUGHT you knew–most of the time it doesn’t assure the outcome. Spending countless hours analyzing, strategizing and stressing will only lead to more inertia. Action trumps thought, show your ‘mind’ that all assumptions are b.s. and get out there and live your dreams.

This is just a starter EQ (emotional quotient) list. Growing your emotional intelligence will grow your ability to attract amazing people and situations to your personal and professional life.

Turning Fifty, is the New 30 and Other Fallacies

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I wasn’t going to write this piece, but since I am hellbent on more authenticity in my life, here goes.

I am turning 50 in 13 days. EEEEEK!

Well it was more of a “Holy Crap” for the past 6 months with an “Oh well–I am alive and I am grateful”¬†sort of statement mixed in there….and a little Hell yeah M.F**kers!

The past few months have included an “accelerated version” of the past almost 50 years in terms of change, love, crisis, and realizations.

I decided to write a list.

A personal list.

If you can relate…cool…and if not, that’s cool too.

What 50 Actually Means To Me (truly what any age can mean)

1. Comparison to others brings no joy. Don’t steal your own joy–love who you are fully. Yeah baby!

2. Giving two shits about pleasing others, so they are happy and you are miserable is a waste of time. Totally.

I realized when my dad had a heart attack last month (and now has congestive heart failure), and my mother acted in such an overly dramatic way without me even seeing her (I hadn’t spoken to them since May, because I was really spending time with myself trying to figure out how to have a relationship with them that wouldn’t have to do with me throwing away my own feelings in favor of my mother’s feelings) that it confirmed a HUGE cycle in my life.

It¬†always came to a dramatic crisis with her, no matter how I tried or didn’t, always, always…she would be the victim (or the martyr and I would be the perpetrator) and my dad would always stand for her inappropriate behavior–and criticize me.

I realized after all these years, it had little to do with me and my trying to do anything to change HER cycle. ¬†I allowed it to be at the root of so much shit, which I in turn spent years beating myself up about…that¬†in the end all I could be is who I am.

So, if you can stop kicking yourself, you can change your life.

3. Being in the present moment–connected to yourself–not pulled by what is going on around you is the most awesome place to live!

Even better–having crisis around you, slowing it down emotionally and checking in with yourself to ask how you want to feel. Then following that confirmation with action.

4. Blaming others and the world is truly an excuse for whatever you don’t want responsibility for…

Even though there was a HUGE amount of drama last month, I looked at it objectively–I didn’t personalize it, even though a lot of it was thrown at me. Again, I asked how I could show up for me authentically and with that, I felt good. And honey, that is what matters!

4. Assuming, personalizing, talking shit, and being an asshole for no reason–DO NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY—EVER.

5. Change is not just taking yoga, meditating, going on walks or getting a massage (they feel good and I love all those things)…

It’s about moving through the inertia, the stuff that says NO when a voice inside wants it to be YES…its about creating an emotional experience that is more than likely counter-intuitive and will shake your shit up a bit! Or a lot!

6. It’s a choice to stay stuck in a painful relationship.

I have heard every reason and excuse known to mankind, from who will mow the lawn to I’m afraid to be alone.¬†If you’re stuck its not about the other person–it’s you. Get awareness on YOUR why, look into your beliefs and why you need the validation from this source and start to do #5.

7. Life isn’t perfect and no one else is either.

I mentor people for a living, so being authentic is truly important, right?

I had a shitty day and another shitty day, this week and it’s only Wednesday, LOL! By saying it, it doesn’t mean I wallow in it or color the whole day ugly and sign off from living.

Instead, I try to see if there’s a theme…then I can take action to change it if I WANT. And if it’s random, then I accept it as such…no one has a charmed life–I’m not perfect.¬†You still have to wake up with yourself everyday…and some days are easier–so be kind to your imperfect self..and all the other imperfect peeps out there.

8. You get to choose if you engage with others or not.

I’m one of those people that is approachable–it’s not unusual for me to learn someone’s life story on an airplane…or even a bar. ūüôā BUT, it’s my choice. Just because people want to talk about themselves or even throw their crap all over you, doesn’t mean you have to take it…you can again ask yourself what you are available for and stand by it. It’s easier than you think.

9. It’s okay if people leave your life. And you can still love them.

10. Talk to strangers, it’s fun! Smile at people–it connects you.

11. Always break out of your comfort zone, especially as you get older.

12. Abundance is a state of living and so is scarcity–living in fear of the WHAT IFS or HOLDING ON TIGHT is a waste of time.

13. So what….if something doesn’t happen, perhaps a better outcome is headed your way. Being unattached to an outcome, means there’s opportunity for all sorts of good stuff.

14. Hard times are temporary.

Unless you like it that way–then being a victim is where you’ll stay. Until you take self-responsibility for your life–hard times will remain. When you start seeing how you show up, based on what you believe about yourself and the world, then you can move out of this small, small, place you live and take control of your emotions…thereby making HAPPIER different choices for YOU.

15. Controlling others and the outside is a waste of energy, because it doesn’t work anyway.

Remember life is short…30 seems like yesterday and so does 18, which means if they flew by at lightening speed–I better live the heck out of this life to get the full experience!

And nope, I wouldn’t want to be 30 at 50, I am a much kinder, gentler, more abundant and peaceful…completely happier soul now than I ever was in my younger days.

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