Breaking Through Inadequacy

We all feel inadequate at times.

Perhaps, we’re in a room full of people who appear to know more in some capacity than we do, or a job interview, or a date with someone we think is out of our league, or being caught making a mistake, and so on.

How we see our perceived shortcomings has an impact on our choices.

For some we shrink and hide, looking for sympathy, perhaps wanting others to commiserate with us. Others may love support, a kick in the butt or something, which gives them the gumption to rise out of the dampening effect inadequacy has and go after the life they want.

In having a real desire, we may find ways to tell ourselves, ‘we can’t have it.’ Especially, if it seems out of the realm of ‘our possibilities.’

We may delay, or disregard our desire, because we don’t feel good enough. It doesn’t matter what we’ve accomplished so far, it applies to all of us, in every walk of life.

Many successful people, aren’t following their deeper appetites. Others, who skim the edges of success, may not find the gumption to rise out of victimizing themselves, every time they fall down and just press ‘repeat.’

Who does it serve to allow our inadequacies to hold us back?

I played small, when it came to the truth of who I am. I could do well at certain types of jobs like sales, marketing and management, but to trust the deeper longing of what I wanted, was hard to entertain.

I lacked clarity around knowing….what was my deeper desire? Why did I feel so inadequate, when I saw my life played out in those brief moments of connecting to that desire?

We tend to do what comes easily to us, whether we love it or not. Many of us fall into careers without any foresight; a job was offered and we took it.

Feeling inadequate, leads to comparing ourselves to others; seeing them as more talented, better looking, excelling at something as we stand, not sure to trust our deepest truth.

I’ve written and edited most of my career for different purposes. Whether it was in school, on the job or helping someone out….I was always complimented on my writing. Always.

And do you know what I did? I blew it off.

I used to compare myself to others who appeared far more talented, and instead of compliments feeding me to do more, it made me hold tighter to feeling inadequate and hide.

It didn’t matter that I felt totally in sync with myself while writing, or that I could actually become giddy at the prospect; this freakin’ inadequacy made me feel small when I wrote….and controlled what I was willing to write about too.

Inadequacy leads to staying stuck in bad relationships, jobs, or other commitments, we’ve outgrown or we said ‘yes’ to out of fear. We can do this our entire lives.

Lately, I’ve been questioning what else hides behind any other perceived inadequacies.

Based on my growing unrest with having coached people in and around relationships; I see my own evolution. From the faintest stirring to the overwhelming pull within me… stay where it’s safe? Or, bust out of feeling completely inadequate, and step up to live out my aspirations?

What happens when we allow our inadequacies to rule?

Regret.

We can keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a miracle or someone else to find us, dust us off and show us the way…

Or…

Screw the inadequacies and live an ass-kickin’ existence!

Who cares if we’re the best or the worst? In the scheme of things, doing what we really crave can make the opinions of others null and void….plus motivated by passion, people and opportunities come along that would’ve missed us, had we chosen to stay stuck hiding behind our shield of inadequacy.

For clarity and to create action, I’m writing a list of all that I deeply crave, but feels impossible and without rules, I’m doing it!

What about you? What are the inadequacies you feel hold you back? And what are you doing about it?

Please share in the comments below.

The Manifesting List

Ever wonder how the same things continue to show up? Feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle or keep attracting similar situations?

Check out this list on how you do it and how to gain more control.

Whatever we give our attention to, grows.

So, if you want more of it, keep doing it and if you want less, focus elsewhere. Have gratitude for what ‘is’ and focus less on what you wish it would be….watch how more of what you want, actually shows up.

Lies are based on a belief that you may lose something or be embarrassed by the truth.

It’s a sign of lack of trust in the self to handle disappointment. Want to really attract amazing people and opportunities, start getting real with yourself and see what you are denying.

If you believe that all relationships turn bad or end, you will fulfill that goal. Your subconscious is the map, it tells the conscious mind where to go.

Do you have a negative belief about you or relationships, guess what? The subconscious will fulfill it for you. Instead, get a spotlight to shine on the WHY behind the belief and get uncomfortable, as you take action in a positive direction. (funny, how the words uncomfortable and positive go together) This will create new beliefs.

If you believe more good exists inside of you than a voice kicking your butt, the perception you have will make sure the outside will match. (even when negative circumstances arise–you will see it as temporary, not life defining)

Engaging in playing games, means sooner or later you’ll end up the loser. Be real.

Authenticity gives your life real meaning. When you play a part, the return on it, never is permanent. Dig deep to find your truth–then act on it, without attachment to the outcome. Most of the time, your results are 9000% better than if you had faked it til you won it.

If you don’t believe you have value, you’ll look for situations affirming this belief or create them to show you are indeed, without worth.

Awareness of these core beliefs and questioning their validity will help you to not get triggered into going down the same ol’ road.

In loving someone, try to tell your conscious mind it doesn’t mean attachment or expectations are included in the deal.

No one else can fix you or make life better, unless you’re already doing something about it–so even if the love of your life came through the door, nothing would feel one iota better, until you fulfill your own needs first.

No matter how much you love someone you cannot stop them from doing self destructive or stupid shit, only they can stop themselves if they want to….or not.

Let go of trying, let go of taking them and their actions personally. You can do nothing to change them, unless they are already doing it themselves.

If you really sit with the discomfort inside of you, that you may want someone else to relieve, you’ll find you are your own best medicine.

Stay with the anxiety, the neediness, the emptiness or whatever it is causing you pain. It won’t kill you and you’ll find the temporary relief you get from someone else doesn’t compare to the permanent relief you can offer yourself.

Assumptions are dream killers–you can talk yourself out of anything you want (especially if it requires change) just by assuming some story, which may or may not be true.

If you don’t know, it’s okay, because even if you THOUGHT you knew–most of the time it doesn’t assure the outcome. Spending countless hours analyzing, strategizing and stressing will only lead to more inertia. Action trumps thought, show your ‘mind’ that all assumptions are b.s. and get out there and live your dreams.

This is just a starter EQ (emotional quotient) list. Growing your emotional intelligence will grow your ability to attract amazing people and situations to your personal and professional life.

Transformation. What’s the Cost?

Many of us say we want things to be different in our lives, but the loss of the familiar is way too scary.

We can stay stuck for years in non-movement, making excuses and feeling crappy. The main reason we stay there, beyond losing the familiar is we don’t know how to proceed. What’s the best course? Is there a course?

There is and it’s in our hearts. We have the map RIGHT THERE. We just have to listen and follow it, rather than analyzing, agonizing and getting stuck in our heads.

We are SO AFRAID of change, we create a life of regret. How many people stay stuck in jobs and relationships, which make them miserable? Perhaps, they’ve compartmentalized themselves so much that they block out the misery and are just numb!

Whatever bulls**t we tell ourselves, is so we can remain in the same place, never growing, expanding and really loving ourselves. The key is to be afraid, very afraid and do it anyway.

Often, we think we can walk away and close a door to someone or a situation without really allowing ourselves to feel. For some of us, we pack it away and say, “I am gonna push my way through or be SO strong that I overpower all of my emotions!”

That ain’t strength and it isn’t authentic and it leads us further away from transformation.

Transformation requires surrender, it means to stop the struggle. Yet, as people walk the ring of fire in transformation they struggle to maintain the old; the familiar.

I know from all parts of my life what transformation really does: it’s letting go of what we grasp. Letting a new process or new way of being, becomes the way for us to expand.

In my business, I’ve struggled with finding the right coach for me. I’m a straight shooter and I find in my industry that quite a few people (not all) follow a pattern of sales, which is disturbing to me. Often, it doesn’t allow you to get what the coach really offers….there’s a promise of transformation, but it isn’t clear on how they help you. It’s hard to get intimate enough to know if it’s a solid fit.

It requires me to know two things, first I have to open myself to knowing that hiring a coach is scary, it means transformation, so I have to be aware of any possible resistance that I’m unaware of on my part (what excuses do I have to not hire them) and secondly, what’s the cost to me if I don’t hire someone to help me, to shine a light on my blind spots, so I get where I need to go?

It’s the same thing when it comes to love.

First, we have to trust ourselves to honor our boundaries and not try to please or manipulate to get what we want….and secondly, it means to become vulnerable and allow someone else to see all parts to us, because when we do, we’ve accomplished transformation. Otherwise, to remain cut off, invulnerable and being stuck in a non-loving position creates ailments across the board….and it begs the question, what is the cost to us, if we don’t allow?

None of this is as easy as writing it, because our old beliefs would like us to stay with the familiar (even if it sucks) will keep us stuck, trying to convince us to remain as we are….

Clarity in our motivation and understanding along with desire creating action to transform–is AWARENESS and the seeds to TRANSFORM. Forget talking, it’s about dancing with the unknown, stepping out of our way and embracing all that we are and will become.

Recently, I had anxiety, something which has become totally unfamiliar to me. I woke up on my birthday with it and after being in the theater watching Gravity (becoming claustrophobic, experiencing motion sickness), I had to walk out and get air. I had a friend mention all the change I was creating in my life…and I said, “yeah,” as though that wasn’t it. It wasn’t til I woke the next day feeling crazy, thinking I was losing my mind that it hit me. I wrote down all the overwhelm and my fears with change… I realized my thoughts were trying to sabotage me. My subconscious was trying to keep me stuck and unable to go forth…

Why do I share, because fear is insidious and when you’re prepared to transform, your mind will throw everything it can in the way of changing the familiar.

If you want help with transforming your life to one of pleasure, peace, happiness and overall acceptance…call me or join my newest program, I love helping others to gain the awareness/strength to LIVE THEIR DREAMS!

What forest? All I see are obstacles

forest_through_the_trees

Can’t see the forest for the trees?

Everything is a problem, as in, one big nightmarish problem?

What are you focused on a goal or the obstacles to the goal?

Perhaps you are just focused on obstacles without a clear goal, besides getting out of bed each morning and physically showing up wherever it is you need to be, maybe that’s your goal?

Many people wake up in the morning with their first thought being dread of the day ahead with no escape. Some wake believing they’re another day closer to having what they want.

Most days, I wake with the thought. “What time is it?” followed by, “What day is it?” And then I start creating my day. Most days I look at what the possibility is of the day, as I work toward my dreams. Some days though, I wake in a panic about certain parts of my life, where NOTHING is happening and it comes down to my most basic needs are threatened.

Even the days where the panic sets in, it does wear off. If I remain in a state of panic, I can be ensured things will remain the same.

How do I get out of the panic?

I find the joy.

My joy.

I look at what can I do that will connect me to the joy, not the obstacles that I want gone. Once I make that connection, I begin-I feel lighter, more energetic. I don’t do what only brings joy, I do the things that are important to “my forest” and because I have connected to the joy, there is a lot less drudgery in performing the tasks.

The obstacles we have in our lives tell us we are either moving toward or avoiding something. When we have no obstacles we are in stagnation.

When we are moving toward something, we don’t put our focus on the obstacles, we continue to focus on the goal. It gives us the “joy,” the energy, enthusiasm and fulfillment we seek.

When we are avoiding something and all we see are obstacles, irritants and things out of our control, we are not living. We are existing in a lot of turmoil. We are thinking all of our issues are outside of us and “if only this would change,” or “this person would do this thing,” that all the obstacles would be resolved. Not so.

You have to focus beyond the single tree and ask yourself “What am I doing to contribute to the obstacles by not seeing my own unhappiness? Why am I unhappy? What in me keeps me in these situations where I give power to everything around me, but not in me?”

And then take action for yourself. What do you really want?

What about those who have no obstacles and live in stagnation?

They have blinders on to their life. They get up, do what they have to do in an almost robotic way, as though they are just getting through life and go to bed in much the same fashion. There is no hope or interest in goals, because it is too scary. It’s better to just live in this pod, rather than try to live life to its fullest and experience the sense of possibility that comes with living toward a dream. It’s a choice.

Don’t spend time trying to fix or change the obstacles; instead put that energy toward your dreams.

Opportunities come out of the blue when you have the intention to accomplish your goal. It’s way more invigorating than constantly doing a square dance with obstacles.

The Pattern Keeper

Definition: Kinda like the horse whisperer, but more in line with being addicted to a way of living, which is beyond all logic, and actively BLOCKS action toward any goal you have of happiness or wholeness.

It is easy to achieve “keeper” status when you ain’t payin’ any attention.

We all do it when we say, “Why does this keep happening to me over and over?” Or “ I try so hard and nothing seems to work”. Yes, my friend…you are the “pattern keeper” too, indiscriminately whispering repetitively to yourself, what you deserve.

And when it comes to others. Let’s say in your most important relationship your partner continually finds comfort in wallowing in self-pity. This person is pity party central over a bad hair day or a trip to the dentist ruins their entire week. You feel you have tried everything to lift his or her jowls off the floor and what you really want to do is SCREAM. You want to say, “If you don’t like your steak well-done then start ordering it how YOU like it!” And taking it a step further, let’s just say this is your pattern in this situation; “be nice, then you can’t take it anymore and blow up” does this help toward bonding and being happy? Hell no!

It is hard to take a step back and decide that you won’t participate in such a detrimental way. You decide you won’t punish yourself or the other person by losing your cool and saying things you will regret. Instead, you take a deep breath and say, “What does this person need from me right now?” Not sympathy, but COMPASSION. If your goal is love and happiness, then you step out of your anger pattern and take a very uncomfortable step into authentic compassion.

I am sure as “pattern keepers”, that scenario could be applied to several situations. I know in my own life it is an experience I am confronted with and have actively stepped into compassion—it feels better and is where I want to skip along to as I make this journey.

We think we are aware of what we do and why we do it, but most of the time we are just reacting to something in the past. We keep the past alive and well when we are not aware.

We say, “I want to buy a house, so I need to save money.” And we try so hard for a day or a week and then that really cool car or Jet Ski with its immediate gratification seems to be a better bet and we again move out of alignment with our goal.

We get fed up, angry and resentful.

We swear and promise that we will not be stuck in Groundhog Day.

Anger and frustration do not create a smooth road to peace; it instead lengthens the distance you must travel. It is the continued route of resistance, ennui, drama and everything else belonging in a soap opera. You are the main character when you don’t “see and understand the origin of your patterns” and “when you don’t take action NOW by making different choices (as difficult as it is) to gain a different outcome.”

You must listen for the whisper. The whisper belongs to a thought that is uttered by the pattern keeper within you. If you react with disappointment to news of a loss or something which makes you question “who you are” with depression or withdrawing from life, PAY ATTENTION. This is a PERFECT opportunity to grab back your dreams from the grasp of the pattern keeper. You can decide to respond differently to those circumstances. This is the KEY. Don’t let YOU hold YOU back.

Things don’t go our way, a lot of the time. Don’t let the pattern keeper do a number on your mojo! As hard as it is to respond favorably to disappointment, see it is a temporary setback and keep on groovin’ down that party line. Make a choice to not let that pattern of reaction be the RULER. Take back your power and make shit happen!

I do this regularly, especially when I feel stuck. I know it’s the pattern keeper in me spinning its head around and barfing up green gook. I have bigger dreams and the only way to achieve them is to hear that “whisper” and take opposite action. Make it opposite day and see what you achieve.

Obviously, I am not trying to inspire violence or any law breaking here; more importantly I am saying don’t do what is comfortable (that is always a red light flashing)…instead go emotionally sky-diving!!! Jump off that cliff!

The older you get the more the pattern keeper may rule, after all you have all these years of experience to back up those patterns. Your dreams don’t die; they get buried in your own limitations. It is all in your head when you take the path that is comfortable, the one, which make your days resemble Groundhog’s Day. Take the path of least INNER resistance; don’t battle yourself.

Listen for the whisper. Stop for a minute and decide to take opposite action even if you feel you have cement blocks for feet. Then take you and all your heaviness, spread your wings and fly like you are a child once again. You will feel a sense of giddiness when you see yourself moving away from the pattern keeper. You will recognize your empowerment and feel anything is possible. I promise!!

Please check out my article on the elephant journal. Click here to read it!!!

The Believing Project-Victoria’s Ventura Venture

An update from Victoria on the Believing Project.

If you would like to read the original post about the agreement she and I made, please click here.

Living the life I love, Loving the life I live… has been my mantra throughout 2011.

I have continued “Asking the Universe to Dance in my manifestation of Wealth.” This past year I saw a family incident/dynamic transpire before my eyes. My initial reaction to the situation was frustration, then sadness and then my life time question received an “ah!”. I had witnessed my family legacy that is not something I want to inherit, or pass on to my children.

The “lack of”, the “less than”, the “I am not good enough”mentality, which often leads to my fight for position, proving my worthiness, to be seen and to count has always been an underlying feeling in my life. Throughout my life I was not aware that I carried this disposition, but I always felt not quite right, feeling like there was something I wanted to shake.

Upon witnessing the incident with a family member, I finally recognized the dynamic, and decided to CLEARLY define for myself NO MORE.

I can break this legacy. I can LIVE the legacy that honors life, authenticity and wealth of this existence.

I know that each struggle, disappointment, and hurdle allows me the ability to dig deep, reach higher and not only overcome, but find my own happiness, peace and grace.

This past week I started off my vacation with this understanding beaming through my heart. I ventured out on a day trip to Ventura. The site of my life dream and future business venture: A retreat…a way to live the life I love and love the life I live while sharing it with others and being of service to the community.

I envision it as an extension of my boutique, a place to stay and “treat” oneself to a more extensive celebration of that which is beautiful to you.

My dear friend and I got in my Tahoe and headed toward the 23 freeway…mind you I had wanted to travel this route, but could not remember the name and where it was on our journey. I had several people recommend the best, most scenic, easiest route from Shadow Hills to Ventura…none included the 23. So, after a slight detour for gas, we hopped on a completely different freeway than my pre-determined route. We chatted along the way. My traveling companion recommended the route she had taken previously when her job had been in the same vicinity as we were headed. Low and behold it was the beautiful route 23!!! I had also traveled it previously, but anyone who knows me is aware that I don’t remember names and I am terrible with directions.

In the excitement of finding myself on this route, I somehow had gotten off the freeway and realized I needed to make a U-Turn and get right back on the freeway . I made the U-Turn safely, but I definitely was not paying attention to the double yellow lines I crossed. The flashing red and blue lights flashing behind me told me, “Ugh, I was being pulled over.”

When the officer asked why I crossed the double yellow on this main street, my response was simple and true “I was confused.” I had let the excitement of finding this route, the newness of the drive, and the thoughts spinning through my head that I was starting the steps to my Dream…the Retreat. The police officer was very nice and understanding as he listened to what we were trying to accomplish. He chatted with us offering good advice on direction. He let us go on our way without a ticket, what a wonderful surprise!!! That was the first time in my life I have ever NOT gotten a ticket when I was pulled over.

Just a bit longer and we arrived safely in the city of Ventura.

Our first destination spot was a local cafe right in the middle of the town village. Just a few blocks above the ocean and a place to provide sustenance for our bodies and souls. We pulled into a front parking spot and walked into a charming place with all the decor that pleased me and made me feel very comfortable. Our waiter was wonderful…gave great recommendations. We had a rich and delicious salad (yes a rich and delicious salad!).

Filling my heart even fuller…Risotto! A favorite, but hard to find Risotto done well. As this day and story is going, OF COURSE the Risotto was fantastic…even made with chicken rather than lobster…which I usually have to substitute. A good, hearty glass of red wine to round off the meal. A delightful and nourishing way to start the walk through this community.

After finishing lunch, we started toward the door I asked “Did you notice if there were parking meters?” I hadn’t looked upon our arrival, I had just jumped out of my vehicle and headed in for lunch. When we walked out the door, we found a meter. There was no parking ticket, the Universe was on our side…so we paid the meter and started on our walk through town.

We found wonderful stores, shopped and looked at what the area offered, there was nothing similar to my boutique. It seems we can move up here and not have any competition with what we have to offer.

We looked at the local hotel, motels and bed & breakfast establishments. There again it appeared there was nothing like my retreat concept…it seems we will have the opportunity to provide a place that will enhance the already beautiful charming and community that is Ventura.

We drove around the area for “sites” and found locations we thought would work. I felt at HOME. I walked with ease, grace and gratitude envisioning my mantra “Living the life I love, Loving the life I live.”

Now I am aware this will be a large undertaking. It will need much planning and organization. There will be things to “deal with” along the way, but I believe in myself and my dream. Taking this journey toward manifesting my “Life that I Love”, means no more family legacy of “I am not worthy”, “I am less than others, so it can’t be mine”, no more “fighting for my place, happiness or worthiness.” I can’t wait as I embark on this new path to my dream.

As I walk this path, this New Year of 2012….. I will do so with Ease, Grace, Good People by my side, and knowing that I am already HOME.

Standing in the way of…

Images come to my mind of physical obstacles that block our pathways. Trains, rocks, dead-ends, buildings, cement barriers, dams and any other structure making the linear path seemingly impossible.

In myself, friends, family and clients, the type of obstacles most detrimental to well-being, success and happiness are emotional blocks; the way we stand in our own way.

We cannot understand why we can’t get from point A to B. We say we want a better life, a promotion, love, to get along with others and fertilize our happiness. Instead, we are bolloxed by our own story. The “can’t” list grows bigger and yes…my favorite saying comes to mind: “You are stuck in a box”.

I have a client who wants to move to anther country and teach English.

She says she wants to save money to make her transition easier, but at least once or twice a month she finds herself buying items at discount stores that she doesn’t really need. She stands in her own way. We have spent time on this subject and I have asked her to “pause” when she gets caught up in the “urge” to shop. Breathe and see how she feels, asking herself if she really needs this new item. Why does she want to sabotage her own success, when she can see herself living in this other country? Because a part of her doesn’t feel worthy of her goal and it stands in her way. When you think big, it is scary. You have to believe you deserve it more than you don’t. Small keeps us safe and you don’t have to question your value. Small is where you beat yourself up for all the BIG stuff you are basically saying “no” to having in your life.

I know someone who has a job in which he works strictly for the paycheck. He has bigger dreams than this 9-6 p.m. obligation, in fact his dreams have nothing to do with his job. He finds his free time to entertain his creativity, severely limited. In fact, I had asked him to write the post on this subject. His big heart wanted to, but his brain said there was no time.

He is starting to feel depressed about his plight. He can’t seem to figure out the best course of action, because his fears are much greater than his resolve for happiness. He is afraid he will end up in poverty or at the very least struggling financially where he to lose his job. It is a very real concern, but one that shouldn’t hold him back from carving out time to be creative and work toward his “real” dreams.

In his case, the feeling of boredom, disassociation and listlessness concerning his job bleed into his free time. On top of that he now has a co-worker who has decided to create an additional stress in his work environment, which gives him even greater anxiety with his job. The day job affects all areas of his life. What’s the answer? He has to “get out of his own way”.

Instead of finding himself tugged under the train, he has to connect with that place inside of him that wants this other life. The place buried under the layers of responsibility, fear, unworthiness and anything else which keeps him in his comfortable yet unfulfilling corner of his life.

He has to step into discomfort. Maybe he could make a commitment to spending 30 minutes or an hour a day being creative toward his dream? It is easy to do once you take the first step, but first you have to get out of your own way. Instead, of filling his plate in his free time with things meant to bring momentary gratification or escape from the dreariness of his job, he needs to invest in his own happiness and do something which makes HIM uncomfortable. It may even give him anxiety, because also buried in there is a sense of expectation. He will have an expectation of himself to be creative so that whatever he makes will have to live up to his standard of excellence. Will he get out of his way? Last time I checked, he made a decision to spend time each day opening himself up to his greater dreams….interestingly enough, he is starting to relax, enjoying his time on and off the job, and spending more time having FUN!

We stand in our own way when we say we want to lose weight, but continue to overeat (Overeating–calories in, calories out… too many different schools of thought to name here on what is healthy).

When an individual overeats she is stuffing feelings. She is trying to fill what is not fulfilled in her life. When I am stuck in a process, I too, find myself wandering over to the refrigerator…mindlessly, not even aware of my actions, in a sort of haze as I wake up to realize I am looking for a feeling of satisfaction, which never comes through eating in this manner.

Standing in your own way with LOVE is another man-made obstacle. Love has no boundaries, yet most people place “limitations” on this particular subject. People all require love, but as much as they want it, they may run from it, because it requires vulnerability and getting out of your own way of protecting yourself from getting hurt.

It appears a person usually comes equipped with a long list of expectations a partner MUST live up to, so the individual doesn’t have to wake with disappointment continuously. And of course when we are focusing with what is wrong with someone else, we are not focusing on “ourselves”. We once again stand in our own way in love. At the end of the day or in the middle of a dispute, you need to ask yourself is it more important to win the argument, stop dating someone who doesn’t fulfill your list 24/7, punish another human and stand in the way of what you really want? Could you pause for a second and do what feels difficult, asking yourself, “What is the goal? Being alone and self righteous?” Or do you want to extend yourself beyond your comfort zone and say “love” is the winner? And be open and vulnerable to what that means?

I have to say that “love” rules for me every time I take a step out of my own tunnel vision–as in “getting out of my own way”, I want love to be the winner.

It creates a huge sucking up within myself; processing my old feelings of it being weak to communicate or back off the desire to be righteous or punish another, and INSTEAD ask myself, “Do I love this person? Do I want to do whatever I can in a healthy way to keep this relationship in my life?” And I find myself answering “yes”, it is important to me. I then ask myself what is the most loving thing to do? What I find is then I must walk on a bed of nails. I communicate what is true for me even if it ruffles his feathers. I end up finding the balance of not destroying the relationship,while being vulnerable, honest and loving to curtail an old pattern once again. It is not easy and thankfully he is a kind and patient man. It really is nice to say, it is a relief to get the hell out of my own way!

List of 51 items in a box

I thought it may prove to be an interesting endeavor to see how many things fit in a box.

The following is a list of items we put into boxes.

Special note** anything living that relates to emotions or happiness, doesn’t belong in a box. Everything with a pulse, which needs to breathe for its very survival, should really never go in a box.

Limitations create the walls and the lid for the box.

From this position, we wake each day with our perspective to live in the present with restraints based on the past. It is the place from where all possibilities, become impossibilities.

A box can show up in our actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, fears, experiences, how we see and perceive events taking place in our lives. It is based on what we believe is true for our existence and we may not even be aware of its affect. Please note* The contents also include things we hide or want to deny.

Life in a box is with our implicit consent; we stay within this familiar “known” space and allow it to act as a threshold to our daily life. It is the restriction of our dreams.

Sounds like a party in a box? Let’s bust the lid off some of these boxes! And then we’ll be OPEN and READY for Monday’s list of 60 items living and breathing in MY HEART (see bottom of post for more info).

51 things “off the top of my head” that go in a box:

Hats
Donuts
Heartfelt emotions-about any subject where we are different or threatened.
Shoes
Caterpillars (waiting for them to become butterflies)
Vulnerability
Our insecurities
Our dreams
Pizza
Love
Fear
Leftovers
Jewelry
Teeth
Chocolate
Grief
You, me and anyone limited by the walls of the box
Gloves
Maps
Anger
Abundance
Car registration
Matches
Pasta
Pills
Fun (Hmmm, sound familiar “I want fun, but something bad could happen!”)
Addictions
Dead things
Crayons
Loneliness
Freedom
Trust
Smoked Salmon
Cookies
Crying
Intimacy
Laughter
Passion
Creativity
Ashes
Contents of my garage
Mistakes
Fulfillment
Pencils
Lunch
Optimism
Celebration
True Success
Sadness
Wine
Anxiety

Please feel free to add on to this list, the possibilities, ahem… are unlimited!

Be ready for the list on MONDAY… 60 items in MY HEART. And I will be happy to accept items from the hearts of EVERYONE, so please send em’ my way!! Email me at Tracy@13degreez.com or leave a comment here or on my FB page

Desire. Denial. Acceptance. Live Large

There are locations we physically live in and ones we emotionally inhabit.

“Denying myself” is an island I’ve inhabited. I packed up the boxes and gave them away. I am free to move from denial to following desire. I’m sailing away from being an island. It is not an easy voyage; in fact it is anything, but smooth waters.

I am committed to being deeply honest with what I want, desire and know to be true in the deepest caverns of my heart and soul.

I don’t look for a new island to plant my roots. As a human being; we are physiologically wired to be connected to one another. So, I am looking for a piece of land with the ability to connect and LIVE LARGE.

“Desire or want” does not mean we should deny ourselves, but we do out of fear. Fear of change, or maybe we’ll be overwhelmed or we’ll fail or we believe what we want is impossible, makes us needy or vulnerable.

Desire may also be old and reach back to childhood, to what we never received. And we still want…the BIG empty “filled”. And because it feels so huge, we deny ourselves. We find substitutes for what we really want and live a life of never doing the filling ourselves, but finding distractions instead…unless we are aware.

Acceptance of our desires is a great place to begin. What are your deepest yearnings? What will happen if you allow them to come up to the surface?

Can you love your wants as much as you feel bad for having them and work hard on denying them? Can you accept them?

Love is all there is…

And its not that we deny fear or get rid of fear. We go through our fear.

In sailing toward fulfillment of my desires, I hit many waves along the way. I am a people pleaser by conditioning or as I used to think it was in my nature (and if you ask an astrologer—they will tell you my sun sign is notorious for being HUGE people pleasers). The biggest waves for me are the tidal wave of disappointing others followed by standing up for myself when there is so much to lose.

No one likes to sacrifice or lose people out of their life. Yet, when you find yourself compromising and turning into a pretzel against your own desires, there comes a day when you can no longer bend. When we deny our desires, we suffer. We end up with a BIGGER sense of empty. If we withhold ourselves from living large in any capacity, we feed the BIG empty inside of us.

When we mistakenly believe we receive fulfillment by giving up our own dreams for the happiness of someone else or holding back our dreams, because someone asks us to, is actually a form of denial.

When I try to tow the rope and suck down my feelings or hold my self back in any regard, it is living on Denying Myself Island, once again.

I become alienated from my authentic desires, my deepest longings for love, belonging and success.

Many of us feel compelled to be of service, be needed, be special. We believe fulfillment comes this way. It does not. We can be of service or be special if it is a natural occurrence from living from our deepest desires. Living LARGE is accepting and going through the fear, being honest with yourself and standing for yourself toward your dreams and goals.

When fear or feelings come up from neediness “the want” we deny; try this technique toward acceptance, peace and getting denial out of the way. I use this with my clients and myself all the time.

Let’s say you are feeling the need to consume a drink, take drugs, exercise to an extreme, eat a pan of brownies, run from a situation emotionally or some other feeling of urgency. Close your eyes and sense the worst part of what you are experiencing, the urgent or anxious feeling, sense what most wants attention.

What is the feeling you sense? What do you want to do or escape?

Answer in the now.

Then bring presence to the feeling as to how this is felt in your body.

Remain open to any emotion, image or word that may appear. When the emotion is too painful or consuming to be with, silently say to yourself: “this too shall pass”…and with gentle attention focus on the sensations in your body.

Name your experience. What story are the sensations telling you…allow it, sit with it, don’t run or decide now is a good time to sweep the floor.

Feel your cravings without pushing them away or acting on it. Instead of fighting or hating the experience of losing yourself to a tornado of mental activity-say yes to the feelings of urgency, tension and fear.

Pay attention to the physical sensations.

If you sit with it 5 minutes or so, you will notice moments of calm take over.

The main thing you will realize through this sort of exercise is that you are not making your inner world happen. Desires, thoughts and feelings are an endless changing parade floating through us ALL the time. We don’t control what goes on inside of us despite our best efforts.

Sometimes the feeling to distract or medicate won’t pass, so the temptation is to judge yourself…

Instead say something, which gives realization and recognition to your inner world; the parade of thoughts and feelings as something you did NOT cause. And if you do medicate or distract forgive yourself—accept it!

Many streams of conditioning give rise to the needy, wanting self and the particular forms our craving takes. We become afraid of losing control of the neediness, being overwhelmed by the “wanting” self. And therefore, we completely seal off from our desires and live in denial.

This technique helps us move toward acceptance within and realize we can fill our neediness and open to living our life LARGE …that our desires are okay. We just gotta take life by the horns and go for it!

Acknowledge that you went through conditioning in your life; don’t call it blaming or being victimized. It is where you derived a sense of self; it was from these perceptions. You derived your own limitations based on fear not who you truly are in your heart and soul. The denial of YOU is based on conditioning not reality.

This technique mentioned above helps us to bring in a clear and comprehensive awareness to our situation. We begin to accept our wanting self with compassion. It frees us to move forth, break old patterns.

When we start accepting our wants and fears by feeling them directly in the body, allowing pain to pass through rather than thinking something is wrong with us, we start to feel alive—desires that come from our heart are no longer clouded by our conditioning.

And when we do think something is wrong with us through this process…then allow the grief to be felt.

Enjoy the process of living into your desires, feel alive, let it pulsate through you. Denial does not pulsate it is an island in which we hold ourselves prisoners. When you open up and accept all there is inside of you and decide to live LARGE anyway…that is when the real fun begins… even when you are confronted with standing up for yourself or disappointing others. The payoff to being who you are and doing what you want from your heart is what “real living” is all about. Join me.

No more boxes!

This is the kind of stuff I write at the gym in the morn.

A continuation of yesterday’s post.

What do you think?

Love.

Love is the way, in all ways.

It never let’s you down.

The expectations of the mind usually let you down…they are never true.

To expect, is to have a picture of how things must be, when that is a “known” idea.

We want what we know, not what is unknown.

That can be scary.

We want to trust that what it all looks like RIGHT NOW is what it will bloom into and finally become…the picture of perfect outcomes.

Love is fluid; it becomes more love.

I know for myself, I sought out the advice of others for many years. I wanted a guarantee. I wanted to know I would have my life develop some semblance of success.

I wanted a psychic, a friend, a stranger to promise I would dance in the meadows, sing on top the tallest peak, and lie down in my garden of sunflowers; happily, joyfully and easily.

Love would be mine; it would just show up rather than ask me to open myself to its possibilities.

In the past…

What I did not understand was I kept throwing obstacles in my way on this journey to nirvana! I had taken everything that is possible and stuffed it in a box marked “impossible”.

It all waited for me to open up the box rather than continually trip over it.

The box held my dreams, my love, happiness and joy…..and when I opened a corner of the box a brief whiff of possibility stirred my soul.

I started to believe there was a Santa for real….the Universe gives back what we offer, tenfold. You live with boxes, you get more boxes. You open up those boxes and ALLOW your life to unfold and you are met with magic.

I realized I had a lot of boxes.

My life had become so compartmentalized so I wouldn’t have to feel anything. I could operate as a robot. (YAY!)

Except that wasn’t the case.

I already had awareness of myself and how things work, AND when that’s the case you never really get to live in denial for long…the Universe will provide you with opportunities when you want to forget who YOU are…it opens you back up with whatever tools available. Ouch! Painfully or happily it is our choice.

The Universe forces you to deal with what stands in the way; meaning all those boxes inside of yourself, so you can BE open to the possibilities it offers.

We make choices out of fear.

We get stuck; we become immoveable to change, except by force.

And our boxes stuffed full, keep piling up, like a hoarder and seem to be keeping us safe; until we lose the job, we suffer a break-up, our kids move out, we go broke, we lose our house and everything associated with our “so-called life”.

And then, in a moment of quiet reprieve we may touch our soul; only to find it singing a different song then the one we’ve been playing to ourselves.

A song requiring us to embrace who we truly are and turn our lives to possibility.

Truth.

The truth of your heart and soul.

Who you are and what purpose you connect with TRULY inside of yourself.

Discovering this important tune is just a step.

Now… to attend to those boxes.

A little space allows the room for opportunity.

Hoarding our failed expectations, multiple disappointments, and untraveled roads that constantly shout at us, “we will never amount to anything we want to be, really “be” in this life” is just a little curve in the road on our journey.

Although, it can become a delay. It depends on how long you want to hoard versus let go….to become who you truly are, right now.

We can spend years unwilling to let go of these boxes, which supply the elements to the story we like to tell not just ourselves, but others too. We believe those stories so much; it actually feels like part of the fabric, which makes up our life.

It is not.

It is just an experience.

Events happen, in and out of our control.

All that happens is a series of events, which we experience.

All of life is just an experience.

So, go experience it…and get out of the box!

Much ado about something

My journey as a human being and a coach

dreams