I’m Not Her.

ghost-345716_1280I’m not her anymore.

As authentic as I always figured I was, and even more so now, the clarity I have achieved has not come easily.

There are things I don’t want to admit, yet I do end up coming clean and if you listen to my podcast you’ve probably heard everything besides what brand of toilet paper I use.

I’m not her, I’m not the woman or the girl that I used to think I was. I’m nothing like her now.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just a thing.

As someone who has spent most of her life as an avoidant, it’s really interesting to move away from what I used to be. I struggle at times with the old tendency to isolate rather than going both feet into my social life and dating. I do date, but it comes in waves and the men I date are different than men in the past. And I am different too.

I’m more me. I’ve been tempted to wear pajamas and slippers out on a date. LOL. I’ve gotten that comfortable with myself. Although (lucky for my dates) I prefer getting dressed and looking how I want to look.

I’m no longer someone who is willing to put forth so much effort. I’ve done it and it’s painful. I was at yoga recently with a friend of mine and midway through I had a meltdown. Not a bad meltdown. It was a good one.

I felt as though I was looking down on myself as I was on the floor, in a pose. I felt compassion for for all the hard work and effort that person on the floor had put into trying to be accepted and loved. Then realizing what a total waste it had been.

Not because of other people, but because I never had to do it in the first place; I just didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know my life would work so much better just being me, open to receiving and creating. Not that my life is perfect. Nope it’s not. But I don’t really put that energy out there anymore; that effort into pleasing and being “perfect”. And if I start to, I catch myself, because I’m not her anymore.

Now I am working on not being alone. I realize a big part of me has been since I was a little kid. Out of all the things I’ve overcome and my belief system, this has been the hardest thing in the world. Call it independence or call it being really protective and not trusting myself. I trust myself more than I used to, but clearly if I’m still alone, I must not be all the way there.

I’m not sure. All I know is that I don’t need to keep fighting or force things or make demands. I have surrendered. I’m not her anymore.

I like myself. Actually, I love myself a whole hell of a lot more than I used to when I was her. 

And as I write this I just wonder… where did I get the idea that being unhappy was my destiny by trying to be what I thought was acceptable? I didn’t, she did.

I’m not her anymore.

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3 Tips to Using Intuition Daily

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Many of us believe logic is the way to make a decision and for some things it may work out just fine.

The truth is “LIFE IS ILLOGICAL.”

We plan for A and B happens, we get upset and disappointed, because somehow we believe we have control over how everything goes, especially when we mapped it out so logically.

Intuition is alway in operation 24/7, it nudges us in the direction we should go……it is simple, not complicated (as our logical decisions where we analyze everything to the nth degree).

Most of us simply don’t trust it, we think it must be more complicated and often, it goes against what our “brain” says the right thing to do is in a situation.

The brain operates from experience and intuition from our truth. We always know the truth, but we let past experiences interfere in our journey, so as to keep us safe.

Intuition knows no time….intuition is not looking at the past as a barometer for what will happen in the future. if it didn’t work in the past, it doesn’t care…there is an opportunity for different circumstances, people and opportunities than there may have been in the past moment.

How do we learn to trust it? To know it?

Besides meditation as a way to know ourselves, what can we do daily to check into intuition?

1. Press pause.

Most people who read my posts, know I recommend pausing for a variety of reasons. Pausing gives us a minute to have our mind, body and spirit get in sync. When I am struggling with a decision or stressed, I pause for a moment and pay attention to what is going on inside of me….it’s an opportunity for the voice in my head to quiet down and the voice in my gut to be heard.

2. Feel the urge and follow it.

Our intuition can be felt physically. Whenever we feel like we fight the urge, we’re fighting our truth. The urge is our intuition directing us to where we should go. When I go against my gut, I almost always regret the decision. It doesn’t work out how I pictured it in my head and even if by chance it does….I don’t feel a sense of fulfillment. Intuition is a flow and we feel in the flow of life when we follow our intuition.

3. Test your intuition.

When we are thinking about lunch, it’s a great opportunity to stop. Just stop thinking and feel what our “gut” wants….and do it. Start testing it out when driving, just because we’ve always taken one road home, perhaps our gut is telling us to take another road. When we test our intuition, it is an opportunity to build trust in following its directions.

The more we test drive our intuition, the more we can rely on it for our successes in life, for the opportunities we might have missed had we just relied on our brain and its encyclopedia of experiences.

Intuition brings true freedom and leads us away from our subconscious programming….try a tip today and see what happens! 🙂

Innocence Lost Part 2

As we get older, many of us can’t figure out why dreams and goals are harder to achieve than at 20.

The reason is the word: “experience.”

As mentioned in my previous post, we give meaning to experiences and place those in OUR backpack.

And when the same outcome shows up to our experiences, we allow it to define us.

There are a variety of experiences in life; we ONLY give meaning to the ones that fit OUR perception of ourselves. We let other events, which could give us a different definition of our lives, slide by without notice or giving credit to them.

As we get older, we just see more of the same.

The words “every, always and never” have become a permanent part of our vocabulary: He ALWAYS does that! She NEVER listens! EVERY time I eat here they screw something up!

Is life really all about absolutes?

Do these things ALWAYS happen to you EVERY time, while believing deep, down inside that your dream will NEVER come true?

There are many examples, everyday, of life giving us what we believe we deserve. And at the same time life gives us new opportunities for what we want. But, when they don’t fit OUR picture of life or patterns of how we operate; we dismiss them altogether.

Love and life can be different, RIGHT NOW. Opening ourselves to SEEING, FEELING and BEING available to other experiences, people and opportunities is the ONLY way we don’t end up bitter, sad and alone.

It takes courage to walk on hot coals in a place you’ve never been emotionally, but when you commit to it on the deepest level, it is where miracles happen.

Commit to walk through your own sludge (Just like moving through cement) and open your heart and mind.

When you meet someone new, try not to judge them right off the bat by placing them into a category. Be open to what they can bring to your life. People surprise us all the time, if we let them.

Do yourself and those in your life a favor; remove their labels of NEVER, ALWAYS or EVERY and set them free. Watch for the differences. The times she does listen, the times he doesn’t do that and the times when your order comes out perfectly fine.

We see life as a bit more balanced this way, allowing us to unload the backpack. If we do it often enough, we start getting rid of all that luggage we’ve been collecting…

Give life and people a chance, give them more chances…but, most of all give yourself a chance.

Each time you walk on hot coals by being honest with yourself, you’re rewarded with well-being, happiness, relief, and knowing there really is no other way to live.

All the ideas you have about life are subject to change if you let them.

Where did you get the idea that you were invisible, unworthy, bad, unlovable, stupid, etc…? Take a second and see if you can remember when it happened. You gave meaning and power to this event, it labeled or handicapped you in some way, can you see its lack of validity?

Can you see that it was a moment in time, in which as a child or as I like to say a “human sponge” you soaked up the experience? You let it define you. Maybe an adult told you “How many times do I have to tell you not to run through the sprinklers in your school clothes? You never listen, you always do what you want and I’m sick of you and telling you this every time! You’re bad!”

Or something like that….

And you made a label for yourself. Except that label covered ONE thing at the time, but BECAUSE we believed it, we created other situations to prove to ourselves its truth. “See, they are right; I’m bad, ugly, boring, mean, etc…no one is ever gonna like me.”

The event could’ve been big or small. Maybe you were teased all the time? Or you were the bully? Or you were the quiet one? The smart one? Etc…this is how we go through life.

And we can always change it, and what do we have to lose by changing our definition of our LIMITED selves?

We LOSE a comfort zone, a place to wallow, hide, be angry, sad, bitter, alone and stay stuck in growing misery. A misery, that if we don’t challenge our views on our self, love and life, will just suck the life out of us as we get older.

You gave meaning to events that may have been more neutral than you originally thought, right? You personalized them, because it may have been an authority in your life who gave you the label. And maybe they were mistaken?

I’m sure there is a fairly decent amount of evidence showing you the opposite has been true all along.

And when you see truth, you start unloading more luggage. You can’t avoid pain, but when you feel it, allow it, so you receive equal parts of joy.

Life is never perfect, there is always something(s) we want to change. Recognize it, but don’t let it mean something bad about you, because it’ll stop you from taking new action.

Taking new action for happiness can be like swimming through cement. If it feels like cement (a wall), then it needs to go. And the only way it goes, is if you go through it…doing what you have never done or doing what you did a long time ago when it failed and now you know it was a ONE time event, which can have a different outcome.

So, get the jackhammer out, start chipping away at those old experiences that shaped your view.

Then strap on a parachute (much lighter than a backpack) and take a leap of faith into the unknown with different action. Jump off the cliff, give life a chance to show you it’s already different, it was just waiting for you to put on different glasses.

Here is a link to Part One.

I got a secret about trust

Maybe you know it already?

And this may just be a small reminder, as I like to believe, we all need those once in awhile.

This is one of the biggest truth that I know in the name of TRUST.

When you say, I am going with the flow; I am allowing; it is out of my hands and I am along for the ride…

Are you really?

Have you let go of setting limitations (not boundaries), or are you saying something like this to the one you are in love with:

” I am in this relationship with you, and I am seeing where it goes, organically….but, I am NOT allowing either of us to force it or jump in head first. “

Sounds like a little policing activity, eh?

A little salt shaken, pepper ground and tossed with a bit of control.(or maybe a lot of control)

If you say your garden is free to manifest, grow and become a blooming Universe of delight, then you would allow it to do so…you would maintain its growth. All that is needed is to pull a few weeds, water, feed and nurture your garden, right?

If you trim your plants back too far, what happens? They wilt and die.

If you withhold water and care, what happens? They die. 

Same thing with your relationship too.

And what does this analogy have to do with trust? Everything.

Trust is never EVER, EVER, EVER about the other person. EVER!

If you remember that statement and apply it to your relationship, it is half the answer.

It is NOT about trusting others to NOT hurt or disappoint you. BECAUSE I GUARANTEE AND PROMISE THEY WILL….“trust,” the day will come…..and it will pass…..and life will go on and so will you, hopefully still together.

And the thing is….don’t hold onto the disappointment and hurt, let it go for your own health and well-being. It doesn’t mean you are a doormat, it means you are showing yourself kindness and love, which in turn is given to your partner.

What am I talking about?

Everyday is an opportunity to learn.

Today is a great day to start TRUSTING YOURSELF.

The key isn’t again trusting anyone else. The key is to RECOGNIZE YOUR FEAR….and do it anyways!!!

You THINK your fear is something like the following: Will they lie, cheat, forget, dismiss or do something to hurt me?

When in reality, that is NOT the issue.

In reality, it is your fear that you are NOT resilient enough to handle the pain of disappointment and hurt.

You don’t TRUST yourself to recover and breathe in the next moment.

You feel this ONE for sure could take you out of the game permanently, so you think, “Maybe I’ll play it safe and put one foot in and keep one foot out,” which by the way insures the “demise” of your relationship.

Playing it safe, is NEVER safe.

It is just a way to give pain, punishment and suffering to yourself and the other person, because it is limiting–there is no freedom, no oxygen….no flow, its really just a trickle.

You are NOT allowing.

You are saying, “If I cut a hole in one side of the box I live in…I can say I am NOT truly living in the box.” yet, the box is still your home, even if you cut a window in the side.

People spend a lifetime protecting themselves against hurt and disappointment only to find it happens anyway.

When I have a client who is complaining about their partner, it is usually fear talking…fear that their partner is and will disappoint them. And fear that they can’t handle it at all….they want a GUARANTEE where there is only one truth…that is: get used to the fact that you are both human and will disappoint each other…ain’t nobody perfect here!

We want to make it about the other person and what they “are or are not” doing. And then we don’t have to focus on our fear of being disappointed, because once they “all of a sudden” become perfect, everything will be okay. Hmmm?

It will never be okay when you depend on someone else to do the impossible and that is to be perfect.

What’s the secret about trust of yourself, in becoming resilient, knowing you can handle hurt and disappointment and not running for the safety of your box?

It is all in taking RISK.

It is only by doing, experiencing and living in and through that which scares you, is how you find your own resilience. Be bold, be courageous and RISK IT ALL, everyday!!! Now you are really living!!

And guess what…when you live with risk THERE IS FAR LESS disappointment, than when you play it safe.

Why?

Not only are you happier and your partner too, but all sorts of things don’t seem to bother you so much, because you know you are resilient and will make it through!!!

You will stop taking everything the other person does personally. It is realizing you’re both human and will make mistakes and guess what? You will survive.

And if you are really interested in learning how to stand vulnerably with who you are and your fears, I guarantee you will come through your relationship with more INNER PEACE and stability than you have ever known in your life.

Trusting yourself does NOT lead to bitterness, it leads to openness, freedom, understanding and allowing love.

Trusting yourself means you give and receive freely with no thought to the dude from Halloween showing up to ruin your day.

And when your partner disappoints you? So the hell what!

Yes, it should be discussed and if action is needed, it should be taken, but honestly…you will survive and instead of being a fragmented, compartmentalized person… you will find yourself fully engaged, whole and stronger while being happily vulnerable with a NEW understanding of what true strength, love and trust truly are to experience.

It is really the biggest secret…trust yourself and watch miracles and dreams come true. I promise.

Commitment

I love this quote that I found floating somewhere out on the web anonymously. “Commitment unlocks the doors of imagination, allows vision and gives us the right stuff to turn our dreams into a reality.” Commitment equals success. Truly committing to anything is one of the most profound things we can do as human beings. Whether it is commitment to a goal, person, job, a date, being of service, et al. When we put both feet fully in, we are trusting ourselves and the Universe. We are saying, “I am in”. I am playing full out in life.

If we are really committing, it should be a little scary. There should be a bit of a gulp we feel when we say yes to a new relationship when we are fully committing ourselves to being “in” the relationship. Not playing at it, one foot out and the other one dangling by a toe, nope that brings us no return on the investment. Going all in, means…. I trust myself to be able to handle any and all of my emotions that happen created by my reactions to the other person in the relationship. I can handle engulfment, it will not grab me into its undertow and drown me. It says, I can handle pain, because pain is an inevitable part of life. It says, I can stay through all the times, good and bad, because I am emotionally present. Knowing that the true strength is the vulnerability to realize our journey is not one of self protection or saving face, but one that is an honest expression of who we truly are! Commitment is having no regrets: No shouldas, couldas, wouldas…no sir, its knowing you did everything you could in that opportunity and you went the distance. Its what makes life an unending bonanza of amazing moments.

Both feet in means I am committed to whatever happens and staying authentic to who I am, knowing that true happiness only comes from being there 100% in the moment. No ducking out. No denial, hiding, distractions or telling yourself the grass is greener or you don’t have to put up with something trivial, because you are not getting your way. Nope that ain’t being committed. Being committed is to stay flexible in your approach, revise as needed and participate fully.

Go big, reap the benefits, expand yourself and commit to the biggest dream you have ever imagined. Stay committed to seeing it through and watch your life unfold.