Do you need an apology?

Most of us think, if we just had that apology from someone who has hurt us or done something we deem as wrong, then we’ll feel better.

Is that ever really true?

Of course, it’s lovely if someone takes responsibility for their words and actions, but what impact does it really have on our inner world?

Do we feel validated? Or that we weren’t nuts, thinking the other person’s behavior was out of line….what do we actually get that feeds us, if we’re already taking caring of ourselves?

Recently, I asked myself the question, “Do you need this apology?”

I’d received a text from someone who as of late last year, I’d stopped seeing after a very long on/off, “learned a lot about myself” kind of relationship.

The text was followed by a call; the voicemail he left, stated his desire to apologize for being the jackass in my life. (his words)

At first, I was caught off-guard, but then I asked…did I need his apology? What would it do for me? Uh….Nothing.

Not an angry ‘nothing‘….. more of a resolve for myself. I’m okay, I don’t hate him or feel he owes me anything. I’ve taken full responsibility for participating and allowing his behavior to have been a source of discontent…..or so… I thought.

I found myself in the days that followed with ‘scattered moments’ of a long past scene or a situation, playing out in my mind. Times I had forgotten about, and ones, in which, I’d left myself somewhere else. It was good they came up! I understood to a greater degree, where I was emotionally back then, why I’d been there and what kept me emotionally chained to something, which never really delivered…

I didn’t want to give him hell. I have no idea his current intentions. It doesn’t matter, because nothing he’d say has the power to remove what happened between us.

Back then, I’d lived in the land of potential, listening to promises and some kind of crazy hopeful expectations.

And now, I had awareness, understanding… I’d forgiven myself….and him. A long time ago.

Needing to have an apology from someone is secondary, when we take responsibility for our part.

Accountability is a personal thing, we cannot force others to show up how we want or wait for the day, when he or she wakes up and smell the coffee! NO ONE OWES US. And I mean, NO ONE.

Perhaps, in the movies a proclamation and an apology from the leading man to his beloved for his misbehaving seems to be the cure all to the emotional tension in the audience. We NEED that apology!

I’ve witnessed it when I’ve coached couples, one is waiting for that damn apology and the other may have given it a million times or be reticent to give it! If our mate has apologized so many times, what is it we actually want? What is going to fill that space inside that is clearly NOT taken care of with an apology?  Why do we want to remain a victim to the story in our mind, which holds someone we love as the blame?

And if our mate refuses to cop to the responsibility, because of shame, or its a power struggle…what is really going on there?

We’re the ones to resolve our own feelings inside of us. When we wait or fingerpoint, it takes us away from the connection we have to our own power.  Empowerment doesn’t come from an apology; it comes from within.

This doesn’t mean we should allow someone who loves us to treat us badly.

It means we have to take responsibility for being there (remaining there) in the first place. The excuses, the reasons and everything, which placed us in that relationship. When we understand the dance we do with someone else, which in the case of dysfunction, is to make sure, some of our less positive beliefs about ourselves are proven true…we’re then empowered enough to be set free….whether we get an apology or not.

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And the day came….

For me to “gently” rip the band-aid off my scab.

What was underneath this old symbol of denial?

My un-lived life; the pain I buried deep within me, things I didn’t want to look at because then I may have to take action and confront myself.

Seemed scary, but when you are settling in your relationships…there either comes a day that you will deal with “you” or a day that has God/Universe come knocking on your door.

Either way, whether you decide to take initiative with your sore spots and uncover the root of your pain or something happens in your life, which creates a crisis making it impossible for you to ignore ….it waits for you.

Of course, the daily general unease you deny and try to stuff in a compartment is always ready to be dealt with, it is just a matter of “when”.

One day those boxes will come flying off the shelf. 

One day your anxiety, those off-kilter responses you have to small things, those deeply hidden memories of pain come to greet you at the door.

You may try an escape hatch. 

You will choose to try to medicate or deal. A cigarette, a bottle of wine, an addiction, maybe running 20 miles or taking yoga twice daily….

Those activities and others can keep your boxes neatly compartmentalized for awhile, but it is an auto-pilot life.

Or it is time to deal; a part of me I’m refusing to admit, see or open up to and I dig into the scab to reveal the wound.

What is the wound?

A story from long ago, kept alive thru patterns of behavior.

I’m not one to invest in my story any longer.

It is sort of a creepy crawler though, one that runs my life without me being aware….as in not being able to see why I say or do the things I do in my life, until I discard the scab.

One day I realized I kept ripping off the same scab!

I’d dig deeper yet. I’d re-visited my stories so many times, most no longer live wires, but yet, still “active”.

It isn’t the story of my being a victim, which I don’t buy into at all. It is how it initialized certain beliefs I have about myself. And how entrenched I’ve been in seeing myself and the world thru this cock-eyed view, which is not true. 

When we’re young, we’re vulnerable.

We get hurt.

Inside our home and outside of our home. 

Smart human beings that we are we develop strategies to protect ourselves from that “hurt”, we try to fit in, slip under the radar, hope no one notices we’re different or that “thing”, that thing, which had gotten us in trouble and hurt us; ranging from abuse, teasing, watching others’ punishment, abandonment, unloved, not liked, being excluded for a multitude of reasons and the cost is…

We re-create this scenario for the rest of our lives, if we’re not aware.  

When I work with people, there is a common thread; a belief they have and can’t see until they start sharing details of their lives with me. I start to see the common thread as they speak, previously invisible to the individual. I see it and ask them about it, in turn an epiphany happens. A handy tool…something has been reflected back to this person in clarity, now there is a choice to continue the belief or take action.

I’m all about action.

Time is wasted in the head thinking about it- just do it and see what happens!

The last time I pulled off the scab, I walked with myself now and as the younger child version of me…

Seeing clearly “why” I chose to believe things like I was unlovable; something was wrong with me…. finding myself alone it protected me from the world….

And yet, who was I to the world? Who was in my relationships?  

I was the person to carry everything on my back, believing I wasn’t worthy for someone to step in and do things for me;, to really be there.

I was the shoulder to lean on, the perfect nurturer, I felt I had to work at being loved and this wasn’t just in my past marriage, but the intimate relationships which came afterwards. It showed up in other personal and professional relationships too.

Wasn’t I enough? Or at some junctures, I was told I was too much. I tried to mold myself into what I thought I needed to be to be loved and not alone.

Bad strategy.

And then I’d tell myself I was okay alone, as I ran and hid.

I know how to do “alone” well.

Is that where I wanted to live? No.

And that is what I did as a kid; I emotionally and physically hid from my family. I never felt emotionally safe or protected. I didn’t feel loved for who I was, just as “me”.

I was never intimidated by anyone; I had to be my own protector.

I was raised with a workaholic father who didn’t protect me, give any real attention… or gave the impression I was anything special; he was highly critical and held me accountable for everything. And it is only a perception.

The perception of a kid.

My Dad has apologized over the years for giving me an image of myself that wasn’t true. He didn’t mean to do it, based on his own childhood, he was doing the best he could.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, first for yourself and then another. Sometimes it comes in bits and pieces.

I had to take different action in my relationships, stand when I wanted to run, speak when I wanted to stay quiet, create waves when the water was smooth and truly risk when I wanted to play it safe, because I might lose a very important person.

It wasn’t an overnight success, living from this place of “possibility”. It has taken a long time and there are still days like yesterday, when I peel off the scab.

I share this “story”, because these types of thoughts and beliefs in our memory bank impact us! And who we believe we are from these experiences, is NOT who YOU truly are…

Who you truly are may yet to be discovered, what do YOU like? What makes you feel passionate, creativity, excitement, happy?

What do you like to wear, eat and REALLY do with your time? What is really the truth of a situation for YOU (not the other person), can you try to speak it and not run or clam up?

Opening up to yourself is the greatest gift you will ever receive!

Be kind to yourself wherever you are and know we are all doing the best we can with how we see ourselves and the world.