Falling In Love With…

Falling…as in doing a face plant into love. Sounds sorta painful doesn’t it?

Often for those of us with a penchant for perfectionism, we may find ourselves with a lack of awareness falling into something, and at some later point waking up wondering how we got there!

Our fantasies had originally taken off with our now ‘real’ mate as the central focal point in the perfect play. And we wonder over and over, how did we get here? In the beginning we believed it was perfect, now it has become a fractured fairy tale.

Some of us find this position, not just in relationships, but searching for salvation in some part of our lives. Looking for that scenario–always perfect in mind, and we hope its what saves us…and the one we PERFECTLY imagine to be our dream come true, until it’s not.

What goes wrong?

Acceptance…or lack thereof.

I’d be remiss in not mentioning other items of equal importance, which add to the dissatisfying smorgasbord associated with ‘falling anywhere’.

An inability to shift your perception. Ignoring your own intuition and basically letting your subconscious run rampant with its ol’ rule book! The one about remaining within the guidelines of your belief and it’s supporting cast of patterns to keep on doing things the same ol’ way!

Acceptance leads to falling deeper in love with yourself.

It’s kinda boring isn’t it, to keep thinking and doing in the same ol’ way? I find it rather exhausting when I start to wonder why circumstances don’t change when I find myself in the same ol’ bullshit.

I’m keeping this short.

If you fall in love and wake up wondering what the mystery meat is, it is you. It is your lack.

Lack of awareness, acceptance, understanding, ability to shift or change, desire, and love for what you choose and who you are!

Lack

Lack

Lack

lack in attitude

Wanna skip the face plants? Aren’t you over being in a state of attachment to an ideal and ready to really feel the true abundance of fulfillment and love?

Then do it now.

Fall in love with yourself and everyone else in your life (with or without a mate)….and pay attention. Look for where you see lack and recognize it is not true (only in your mind). Look at your desire for perfectionism and ask yourself what has it ever got you, which made you happy?

Find yourself….and let go of the impostor who has been masquerading as you all these years and falling, instead of grounding and then rising into acceptance of every little nose hair, wrinkle, and imperfection both inside and out.

Even if you make millions of dollars a year, YOU will never be happy deep inside until you really do love yourself for just being YOU.

Are You Hiding From Abundance?

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Catchy title, right?

I’ve found myself at multiple crossroads this year, each time with the question of ‘Who Am I?”

I believed I knew each time, but I was avoiding a few things. And for me, each time I did, it slapped me in the face immediately. No more hiding.

I could no longer be anyone else, but me.

I could no longer pretend to go along to get along.

I could no longer be around people for which I had to hide any part of me, or step back into the shadows and be less than who I was. And most of all… I had to accept the ‘woo-woo’ parts of who I am.

Accepting my flaws is a much easier road, and one where I no longer cringe at others finding out about me. We all have flaws. No one has their shit together when they’re hiding imperfections or insecurities.

When I went to dinner with a friend (someone I have also provided psychic readings for), she asked if it was okay for her to tell the waiter I was psychic. I wanted to crawl under the table, but in a position to really own this particular part of myself, I said ‘sure’.

Why my reaction?

Well, it’s not as though I stopped being psychic at different points in my life. I just separated it. When I was in certain situations I’d hide that part of me, and when I was doing business or socializing with ‘accepting’ friends, I let it out of the closet.

I worried how other people perceived me, perhaps thinking I lacked credibility. But when I came to the crossroads of understanding, and how not just that part of me, but other parts of me were submerged in the dark, invisible to the naked eye, I knew it was my WHY.

WHY things could feel bad; WHY things didn’t work out; WHY (until I embraced this and other murky parts of me from my POV) I stayed in a state of struggle. My struggle was deep within, so of course it is reflected in the creation of lack in my outside world.

What I’m getting at here is how our internal struggle and characteristics of our personality, abilities, etc. which make us want to cringe… keep us stuck. If we’re not showing up as the ‘whole’ and instead just as fragments of what WE THINK is acceptable, then we’re screwing ourselves out of an abundant, joyful life.

I’ve been working on my subconscious beliefs for years. I had some help this year and the practitioner said it was time to own all I do… including the spirituality, the energy work and other gifts I had submerged in the murkiness.

Anyone relate to what I am saying?

Fearing we won’t be accepted by others, we live this life of quiet desperation and major struggle. I’m not talking about throwing it out there as a Facebook post. I’m talking about living it all in 3D!

As long as you or I remain hiding some part of who we are, which could be a major gift to the world, and instead play it safe, we aren’t saying YES to life. We’re saying NO to possibility and remaining a limited version of who we truly are. That sucks!

If you want true fulfillment and abundance, the only way to get there is own what makes you cringe. If people around you don’t accept you, it’s not your problem because living a limited version of who you are is way more detrimental to your well-being than it is to find your true tribe!

This is not an easy process. It does include loss, pain and trying to find new footing, but the payoff is huge.

Look at where you have a state of lack. What are you hiding from the world? Wherever you’ve submerged parts of you out of protection, basically fear, you are hindering your ability to receive what can be a true match for you.

Notice how you show up with different people; how certain characteristics are acceptable and others get shoved to the side.

See if you can allow an opening for what is hidden to come out in just one of those situations.

See how uncomfortable it is, and at the same time experience the freedom.

Have you noticed this in your own behavior? Have you felt uncomfortable when attempting to ‘be you’? Please share in the comments.

The Hardest Thing You Can Ever Do…

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Become Who I am. Become Who You Truly Are. Become Who We Truly Are.

Those statements are harder than we think.

In some situations, we’re truly who we are, honest, authentic, NOT ‘trying’ to please, get along or do things, which we don’t want to do…or put up with behaviors that really don’t interest us.

At other times, we’re totally compromised.

We can feel ourselves slipping away into the energy of someone or something else–where we don’t want to disappoint or suffer loss; feeling ourselves putting up walls, getting defensive and perhaps, becoming stubborn. Even feeling angry, or discontented and wondering why?

For myself….I “do things I don’t want to do at times, because of guilt, or I don’t want to disappoint someone.” Of course, the head trip I can beat myself up with leads me to old questions, which used to haunt me, “Will I ever belong?”

Can I ever do the right thing?

Do I always have to compromise myself and feel “eh” about doing things I don’t want to do, to either please others or fit into my role (that I cast years ago)?

Am I a curmudgeon; is it a comfort zone thing?

Now, these questions may seem funny coming from me (if you know me), because I tend to do what I want (according to others), say what I feel or think most of the time and yet, at times, I felt like I swam in a big circle and had been unconsciously trying to do the right thing (by someone else’s standards) and haphazardly doing what’s right for me.

Makes for one messy human being!!! LOL!

To be who we truly are, we have to practice awareness, first and foremost.

Even when we compromise ourselves, to be authentic is to say, “Ok, I’m doing this action, not because I want to, but because I feel guilty, or I will get validation that I’m a good egg or I promised or fill in the blank. Instead of burying it inside of us and lying to ourselves that we really want to do something, which we aren’t interested in at all.

True authenticity requires a slowing down and a connection to our inner truth. Most of us DO NOT want to do this, it’s easier or so it seems, to remain disconnected.

WHY?

We recognize there’d be change in what we do, which signifies some kind of loss. We may hate our position in life, but cling out of fear of what could happen! We know the familiar and believe on some level it’s the best we can do!

Because scarcity can cause us to cling (what if we fail as ourselves, or end up homeless or alone, etc) to the false parts of our lives, we may never become fully authentic.

No one else is to blame.

If we hold others’ responsible for our choices (even if they’re counting on us–they cannot force us), we will never be true to ourselves.

Being authentic is:

  • Taking full responsibility for what we say and do.
  • Remaining connected to our desires and needs (and acting on them).
  • Speaking our truth.
  • Not pretending.
  • Not purposely seeking validation from others.
  • Doing the right thing for ourselves.
  • Risking what is false or constricting to discover our deeper truth.
  • Committing to our happiness.
  • Facing scarcity down, by letting go, getting uncomfortable and believing WE deserve an abundance of opportunities.
  • Allowing those we’ve known, to be their authentic selves.
  • Opening to a new tribe of people.
  • Living our true dreams.
  • Say yes when we mean yes, no when we mean no. (and when we don’t–don’t deny it)
  • Treat ourselves how we want to be treated–always!
  • AND ACCEPT YOURSELF, MYSELF, OURSELVES just as we are!!!!

For me, I keep heading toward more and more risks that scare the crap out of me, but I know the way I’ve gotten here, isn’t how I want to continue.

My own evolution is reflected personally and professionally.

I started a new radio show, not cuz it’s a great business move (who knows), but because it brings me joy! I’m going to start life-changing retreats for my clients, which include hiking, certain modalities of getting into deeper exploration leading to authentic change in my clients…why? Because it turns me on (rather than just thinking about it FOREVER and staying in some miserable place of settling–not going for it) and in doing what I LOVE in all parts of my life, it changes–there’s loss, but the gain is so much sweeter…I just have to put the seatbelt on and be present for the ride!!!

There are so many other things I am creating, including an online dating profile to put myself out there and possibly meet my partner in crime! 🙂

How about you?

Ever Belonged On The Island Of Misfit Toys?

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Having heard this reference more than once this week, it got me thinking…

There have been times in the past, I definitely felt I was a resident on the island of misfit something-or-others.

The misfits. Those who ‘feel’ they don’t belong, perhaps they’re different, unique and just don’t conform, to the standards around them.

Misfits create their own standards. Well, once they grow the confidence to not give two shits about what anyone else thinks…and that in reality, there’s really nothing wrong with them. (No more than anyone else)

Freedom expressed or unexpressed is a state of mind.

Personally, I’ve always sucked at conforming, and still do.

It’s not a form of rebellion per se, it’s more of a feeling inside of my body, of my guts being ripped out, when having to pretend to be someone else….okay,  perhaps not so harsh, but faking it to fit in, is something I’m pretty much incapable of doing.

Fitting in for some can be described as suffocating, and provoking extreme anxiety. The idea of capitulating where it doesn’t allow for their individuality is painful and yet, there’s still the desire to know they’re okay. The struggle has more than likely been there since childhood; the ability to accept themselves.

People that subscribe to their being different, change the world….just by being who they are and living the full expression of that self.

When we live that way, we’re no longer in our minds, labeled a misfit; we see our individuality.

None of us have to go out of our way to be unique, it’s those of us who allow our ‘real self’ to show through…who create our lives from that place, rather than hide it, as many do. For some they cannot seem to help it, they were taught there’s a lot of shame in being who they are–so they conform; they fit in…they’re afraid of loss.

Loss of love….validation…identity…finances….comfort…relationships….achievement….and so on.

Misfits questioning the norm or what’s taught to them as a belief of someone else, usually find something inside, which shows them other truths are available; creating their own perception. It releases them to go after what their souls deepest desires are, and as a result, they imbue change and find true personal meaning in their lives.

Not that people who conform don’t find meaning, it’s just a different set of values.

In several instances, misfits may have felt, as though they’ve been on the outside looking in; their point of view is different.

They realize so many societal concepts and perhaps, what works for other people, doesn’t work for them.

The key is in acceptance. Instead of trying to conform or beat themselves up over who they are not, it’s to accept what’s contrary.

Acceptance means we don’t have to fear our uniqueness.

Fear of being judged no longer exists. People will judge no matter what we say or do, so why not be exactly who we are?

For some of us, that’s a major part of the journey, unearthing who we are and what makes us tick. We may have buried our uniqueness decades ago, only to now, feel a deeper sense of unrest within us that is vague and difficult to pinpoint.

Our limitations, because of the fear within, can keep us feeling like a misfit, even if we appear to join in well within our peers and other groups.

Each individual shines a light when they discard the chains of living an identity that doesn’t suit them. In serving the world, if we show up doing what makes us happy, we have more to give. We open up to a whole different perspective, instead of our fearful one that we’ll be all alone if we choose ourselves.

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

I Love Me Written inside a Heart Drawn in Sand

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

“I open my mind and heart to the miracles of self-love.”

Guest Post By

Michelle Mullady

What does it mean to love yourself? To do kind comforting things for and to yourself? Is it making time to get a massage, having lunch with a dear friend, or buying yourself a new dress? Yes, sometimes. But true self-love is much more profound than that. Cultivating self-love and compassion for yourself means loving and embracing all that you are today ─ your thoughts, feelings, beauty, your age, mistakes, flaws, and imperfections, your power, sense of humor, intelligence, as well as your unique and different way of viewing the world around you.

Deeply loving yourself means not only accepting, but really adoring, each and every part of you, the entire package as a whole, and knowing at your core that you’re valuable, important to the Divine Plan, deserving of great good, and lovable. It means being your best friend when life is going your way, as well as during those challenging and difficult times when it isn’t as you would like it to be. Really loving yourself means that you stand by and up for yourself if that is what you need to do.

For many years I lived with a shielded heart. My patterns of self-hatred began long ago in my abusive childhood. There came a time in my healing journey when I simply could no longer consent to endure my lack of self-love. I had talked about self-love. I read books about the topic and went to workshops. I fed myself daily positive affirmations that I loved myself while looking in a mirror. It sounded good, but it still wasn’t ringing true deep within me. I couldn’t feel the words I was telling myself and my life still wasn’t fully reflecting back to me these new beliefs. I realized then that I had to actually begin practicing the art of self-love. It was time to start loving myself the way I desperately wanted others to love me. This became the next step on my path.

To live in a harmonious way, one where love is given and received in balance, loving yourself isn’t an elective along your journey. It’s a main course in Awakening 101. In order to tune in and listen to the whispers of your heart that let you know where you’re being guided … to be present for your thoughts so you can comprehend what you really believe … to honor and live with an open heart center with full awareness of your oneness with Spirit … you must first put into practice love for yourself.

Have you let yourself down? Do you reject aspects of who you are? Do you hide behind a mask fearful of revealing your authenticity? Let yourself see the truth, feel if that’s correct. Then, do whatever you can to begin to fully learn to experience love for yourself exactly where you’re at right now.

Learn to value how you show up and the way you deal with things. Love your one of a kind way of stretching, expanding and evolving as a spiritual being having a human experience. Love where you’ve been and what you’ve done. Forgive yourself if you made a lot of mistakes during the process of waking up. Even God can’t change your past, but with Divine help you can create a better future. One that is filled with light and love for yourself and others.

Love your present moments. Love how you look, what you think and feel. Love every detail of the body temple you chose for this lifetime’s adventures. Love the break lines in your heart and the radiance that flows forth from the river of wisdom that came to be because of the history around those cracks. Love your errors, and love all the good that you’ve delivered to the world. Love it all, beautiful soul. Love all of your sweet self.

Begin your day with this simple prayer for Divine Love:

Sit in your sacred space, focus gently upon your breathing. Breathing in and out fully and deeply several times to bring about a state of tranquility within your mind and body. Then, surround and protect yourself with the magical pink light of the universe. Place your hands across your heart center and begin to feel the energy held within. Visualize this radiant rose-colored love filling up your entire being as you recite this blessing.

Dear God and Beloved Angels,

May love enter my life and fill my heart and soul. May the magic of love continually inspire me to radiate warmth and caring to myself and all those who touch my life.

Amen.

Gracefully,

Michelle Mullady

Copyright Michelle Mullady 2015

Bio:

MICHELLE MULLADY is a Joyful Living Mentor, International Best-Selling Author, Master Energy Intuitive, Michelle photoSpiritual Guide, and Transformational Healing Workshop Leader who specializes in helping adults and adolescents to create healthy and fulfilling lives through life coaching, intuitive direction, angelic communication, breathwork, simple guided meditation practices, affirmations, prayer, and energy work.

Working with the unconditional love and light of the Creator and the angels, Michelle can support you to enhance every area of your life — relationships, health, finances, intimacy, career, and spiritual growth — all while living one day at a time in a busy world. To learn more, visit, MichelleMullady.com or call 210-501-9582.

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Turning Fifty, is the New 30 and Other Fallacies

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I wasn’t going to write this piece, but since I am hellbent on more authenticity in my life, here goes.

I am turning 50 in 13 days. EEEEEK!

Well it was more of a “Holy Crap” for the past 6 months with an “Oh well–I am alive and I am grateful” sort of statement mixed in there….and a little Hell yeah M.F**kers!

The past few months have included an “accelerated version” of the past almost 50 years in terms of change, love, crisis, and realizations.

I decided to write a list.

A personal list.

If you can relate…cool…and if not, that’s cool too.

What 50 Actually Means To Me (truly what any age can mean)

1. Comparison to others brings no joy. Don’t steal your own joy–love who you are fully. Yeah baby!

2. Giving two shits about pleasing others, so they are happy and you are miserable is a waste of time. Totally.

I realized when my dad had a heart attack last month (and now has congestive heart failure), and my mother acted in such an overly dramatic way without me even seeing her (I hadn’t spoken to them since May, because I was really spending time with myself trying to figure out how to have a relationship with them that wouldn’t have to do with me throwing away my own feelings in favor of my mother’s feelings) that it confirmed a HUGE cycle in my life.

It always came to a dramatic crisis with her, no matter how I tried or didn’t, always, always…she would be the victim (or the martyr and I would be the perpetrator) and my dad would always stand for her inappropriate behavior–and criticize me.

I realized after all these years, it had little to do with me and my trying to do anything to change HER cycle.  I allowed it to be at the root of so much shit, which I in turn spent years beating myself up about…that in the end all I could be is who I am.

So, if you can stop kicking yourself, you can change your life.

3. Being in the present moment–connected to yourself–not pulled by what is going on around you is the most awesome place to live!

Even better–having crisis around you, slowing it down emotionally and checking in with yourself to ask how you want to feel. Then following that confirmation with action.

4. Blaming others and the world is truly an excuse for whatever you don’t want responsibility for…

Even though there was a HUGE amount of drama last month, I looked at it objectively–I didn’t personalize it, even though a lot of it was thrown at me. Again, I asked how I could show up for me authentically and with that, I felt good. And honey, that is what matters!

4. Assuming, personalizing, talking shit, and being an asshole for no reason–DO NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY—EVER.

5. Change is not just taking yoga, meditating, going on walks or getting a massage (they feel good and I love all those things)…

It’s about moving through the inertia, the stuff that says NO when a voice inside wants it to be YES…its about creating an emotional experience that is more than likely counter-intuitive and will shake your shit up a bit! Or a lot!

6. It’s a choice to stay stuck in a painful relationship.

I have heard every reason and excuse known to mankind, from who will mow the lawn to I’m afraid to be alone. If you’re stuck its not about the other person–it’s you. Get awareness on YOUR why, look into your beliefs and why you need the validation from this source and start to do #5.

7. Life isn’t perfect and no one else is either.

I mentor people for a living, so being authentic is truly important, right?

I had a shitty day and another shitty day, this week and it’s only Wednesday, LOL! By saying it, it doesn’t mean I wallow in it or color the whole day ugly and sign off from living.

Instead, I try to see if there’s a theme…then I can take action to change it if I WANT. And if it’s random, then I accept it as such…no one has a charmed life–I’m not perfect. You still have to wake up with yourself everyday…and some days are easier–so be kind to your imperfect self..and all the other imperfect peeps out there.

8. You get to choose if you engage with others or not.

I’m one of those people that is approachable–it’s not unusual for me to learn someone’s life story on an airplane…or even a bar. 🙂 BUT, it’s my choice. Just because people want to talk about themselves or even throw their crap all over you, doesn’t mean you have to take it…you can again ask yourself what you are available for and stand by it. It’s easier than you think.

9. It’s okay if people leave your life. And you can still love them.

10. Talk to strangers, it’s fun! Smile at people–it connects you.

11. Always break out of your comfort zone, especially as you get older.

12. Abundance is a state of living and so is scarcity–living in fear of the WHAT IFS or HOLDING ON TIGHT is a waste of time.

13. So what….if something doesn’t happen, perhaps a better outcome is headed your way. Being unattached to an outcome, means there’s opportunity for all sorts of good stuff.

14. Hard times are temporary.

Unless you like it that way–then being a victim is where you’ll stay. Until you take self-responsibility for your life–hard times will remain. When you start seeing how you show up, based on what you believe about yourself and the world, then you can move out of this small, small, place you live and take control of your emotions…thereby making HAPPIER different choices for YOU.

15. Controlling others and the outside is a waste of energy, because it doesn’t work anyway.

Remember life is short…30 seems like yesterday and so does 18, which means if they flew by at lightening speed–I better live the heck out of this life to get the full experience!

And nope, I wouldn’t want to be 30 at 50, I am a much kinder, gentler, more abundant and peaceful…completely happier soul now than I ever was in my younger days.

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Power of Letting Go

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Anyone heard the term “Conscious Uncoupling?”

The first time I heard the statement was from my original coaching mentor. She had been interviewed about the concept, which she had developed a program based on her own experience. It’s an interesting idea, in terms of how we can learn and grow through our separation from someone we love.

Most people either learn and grow through letting go, or become bitter and angry in the process. No matter what, we have a choice in where we direct our anger or hurt. In conscious uncoupling, depending on what definition someone subscribes to, we can keep a person in our life that we are now no longer with while we both evolve in a less dramatic (loving) fashion by recognizing our patterns that create toxic or unloving situations.

In my book this is not entirely letting go.

Meaning, all of that is fine and dandy, except the part about keeping the person we’ve just broken up with and no doubt have strong emotions for in our lives.

To let go in terms of it’s power is so much more than walking away, or shutting a door, or saying “I give up.”

The power in letting go is to turn toward a new paradigm for the self. To free up space, allow a flow where it was stopped, understand attachment vs. love, and to give oneself time to heal.

The danger in conscious uncoupling is to not give it the time, and also to not honor our own feelings.

I’ve watched it happen, where both parties agree to it, and show everyone they are still loving friends. Unfortunately, at the same time one or both of them are not really done, and are struggling to move on in one or both of their lives. Their behavior and actions on their own do not support the image that all is well. And if one moves onto a new relationship too soon, while the other is still pining for their old relationship—that is just asking for a plate full of pain.

This isn’t healthy and it’d be far less hurtful, respectful and loving to be authentic and state how it doesn’t actually work with the ex-mate to have a continuing presence (aside from kids with shared custody) in each other’s personal lives. Giving space and shifting focus away from the past (since this relationship is over) is to be in the present.

Letting go comes in stages.

Raising of consciousness can come as awareness steps in to light. Let’s face it, when we have old beliefs about our self-worth and relationships, snapping our fingers and saying poof those are gone is just not that simple! It doesn’t happen that way.

Letting go is surrendering to the greater love, pain, conflicting emotions and the unknown.

Conscious uncoupling if used correctly, is about separately opening up oneself to a deeper understanding of how we show up in relationships and why we have the needs we do. It is not something done as a team, together. It’s to step up, let go, accept, wish the other one well and truly embark on a different leg in our journey.

This becomes a huge quandary for many of my clients.

They find themselves months and even years after a relationship has ended in just as much pain as if it happened yesterday. I often find, as long as they’re also in a state of resistance to their true feelings, “I don’t want to feel anything about him/her!” they find the letting go process extremely difficult.

Whatever we resist, persists and when we don’t want to feel something for someone we are no longer with, we have a battle inside of us, having nothing to do with the other person.

When we can feel our feelings of love for them, and realize we actually generate those good feelings, it’s an opportunity to shift and learn how to create those feelings without the object of our desire. When we can do that, we’ve found the answer to letting go and conscious uncoupling; we’ve found the space of unconditional love to pay ourselves respect, as we grow. Not only can we become a better partner, we also fall more in love with ourselves too.

Do we need to be punished first?

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Often when I work with someone in my coaching practice, there comes a day where the question of punishment comes up….

The leftover, like moldy bread part of our childhood, in which we were a bad boy or a bad girl.

Or something like that.

It is fairly insidious, but we develop many actions and decisions from the thought that we may need to allow ourselves to be punished by circumstances, relationships, situations, jobs, strangers, etc…before we are rewarded or have what we want.

We may also just feel like Charlie Brown, nothing ever works out and we’re just punished for being who we are no matter what!

There seems to be a shared feeling of a “TO DO” list. Whether the list is for one day or its a list of tasks we must take on before we meet the goal to the detriment of joy.

It’s not to say we can or can’t have a list. It’s to say that our list shouldn’t control whether we allow ourselves joy or to veer off spontaneously from the list without guilt.

Guilt is punishment.

Worrying is punishment.

Having to climb a mountain before relaxing is punishment.

Hearing a voice in our head telling us what we do, think, or feel…OR “are” is not enough.

Actually having to do anything to prove our worth, who we are or what we do as good, excellent or deserving of something better is punishment.

As I said, it’s insidious.

The way to tell we’re in a punishment state of space:

  • Thoughts that won’t slow down, we feel we’re on the race track going toward some imaginary finish line.
  • We have anxiety or can’t sit still, we must be productive–busy–all the time.
  • We feel a heavy load on our shoulders that even when we try to relax it doesn’t go away.
  • We often feel we’re missing something.
  • A large sense of ominous fear colors our lives: our every move, as though something bad is going to happen…and we may not even know why.
  • There’s no joy to an accomplishment, there’s a feeling of having to get onto the next thing.
  • We may find things to purposely distract ourselves to enhance a feeling of guilt.

Any of this sound familiar?

Again…insidious.

How do we get away from something, which strangulates the joy, contentment and fulfillment we have inside…and sucks the life right out of us?

First: We need to get clear. What drives us?

When we have a long “to do” list that we must accomplish…asking ourselves WHY it’s so important is a good start.

How does it feel to think of all that self-induced pressure? What is the benefit? There’s always a benefit when it comes to the “stuff” we place on ourselves, it allows us to stay a victim to the circumstances in our lives. Why? It gives us excuses to keep us stuck; it as to why we’re not doing what we really want to do.

Second: We need to get clear. When did we start to feel we had to be punished to be rewarded?

The reason it’s important to know when that seed was planted is then we know where the concept developed, we can realize it’s not a fair assessment of who we are or what we do.

When we were kids and told if we receive straight A’s, we receive a trip to Disneyland, money, attention, etc…and somehow we made it a belief that if we work hard in every part of our life, we are rewarded.

Now, I’ve nothing against working hard toward a goal, but sometimes we work TOO hard, or we have an exaggerated sense of what we need to do, to be accepted, loved or rewarded.

We feel we deserve nothing, unless we’re punished first. And this applies to the large and small things in life…and to all that we do, because if there is a charge behind what we’re doing, as though we’re in a race with ourselves….then, it’s self-induced punishment.

There’s no invisible being who will punish us….we do it to ourselves.

Third: Recognize the looming feeling of disappointment.

Who will we disappoint if we do not accomplish the mountain climb? What will we not deserve, except punishment from disappointing ourselves or someone else? This can ruin our day, we can let it seep into a day where we’re exhausted and we need to relax, but the restlessness sits in us, the feeling we will disappoint.

Now what can we can we do with this information?

1. Clarity brings a change of thought and action. We can choose to know the roof will not cave in, if we don’t take the hard road.

2. Don’t distract. Simply enough, completely embody the decision to relax, say “no,” and with the same determination we climb mountains–fully embrace the decision to decide to do something else.

3. Practice self-compassion and kindness. In whatever form that is and if there is guilt surrounding that, shine the light of clarity on it…see what it says.

4. Let go. Release. Stop. Just stand still….opening our hands to receive, we must let go of what we hold onto that protects us from moving forth in our lives, into the unknown.

5. Do something we love everyday and watch the joy grow. There is no have to, except to breathe, eat and sleep. And well, brush our teeth.

 

Negative Thinking is Exhausting

kuan_yin__goddess_of_compassion_or23
Kuan Yin: Goddess of Compassion

We can be stuck in negative thinking, because it is familiar.

It can be just what we know. Especially, if our thoughts are focused on a situation that won’t change, such as some of the WHY questions: “Why am I alone?” “Why can’t my partner do what I need?” Why does my life, job, home, relationship suck?” 

And the I HATE statements: “I hate this situation I am stuck in, I hate making decisions, I hate him/her, I hate that I’m fat, I hate my life, job, etc…”

And so on…you get the picture.

Perhaps, upon waking the thoughts are there, the same ones like a wheel turning and all they manage to do is wear a person out!! Seriously, what type of mood does that put forth for the day ahead?

The reason it’s so exhausting is that those thoughts are stressful and if we were to act on them in an angry or stressed out manner, the outcome will probably not be what we want.

There is a way to stop the negative cycle of thoughts from taking over the day. It takes time to begin a new practice and I suggest starting small, very small….that will make it easier to continue and create a new habit.

1. Stop for a second in the middle of a negative thought. Ask yourself if it is helping you? The answer is more than likely, “NO.” All it does is keep you caught in a circular pattern.

2. Tell yourself to relax just for a minute. Close your eyes. Nothing bad is happening right in the moment. It’s just you here. Now as silly as it is, say, “I want to feel happy.” If you listen to that statement, you should feel some of the stress associated with negative thinking drop down.

3. Now. Pour some kindness on yourself. Meaning, tell yourself you are doing the best you can in your circumstances. Be compassionate. The kinder you are to you, the less angry you are with others.

4. Look at the situation, relationship, or whatever it is that keeps you uptight, BUT look at it through the eyes of kindness. Take the compassion you have for yourself and look outwards. Is there a small glint of acceptance for what is in the now? Do you feel a different option in how you are thinking, acting or desiring?

This type of transition may be incremental to some of us over time or it could be an epiphany. Slowing down and stopping the negative thoughts will make a difference in our lives, even if it is just in how we feel each day. Instead of having a pit in our stomach as we face the day, maybe there is a warmth throughout our body that no matter what we will be emotionally, “okay.”

A wounded story: Got One?

Vintage Ad #882: Mr. Me-Bee Wants to Write a Storybook About You!

LOVE A GOOD STORY?

Tell me your story. I will listen. Nothing you tell me will make me think less of you, because of your experiences. Truly.

Everyone has something that hurtsold hurt, new hurt or just a constant feeling of hurt.

It creates a story that we BELIEVE about ourselves.

If we’re not careful, we’ll take those experiences and make them a part of who we believe we are, which isn’t true.

I’ve found that most people just want to be heard, compassionately listened to and cared for as a lovable being. It validates their existence.

In our society, many people don’t want to hear the messiness of stories. These people change the subject immediately; perhaps they put a positive spin on it or walk away. 

Some cannot handle the distress of others, because it brings out their own personal distress. They prefer it to remain buried, hoping it’ll just go away. Unfortunately, it manifests itself in many ways, anxiety, depression, an “ism”, and so on.

EXPRESSING PAIN IS OKAY.

Venting, sharing, crying and then hopefully laughing at how much impact we allow outside events/people to have in our lives is the hoped for outcome.

We all have stories, but its how much you believe those stories and where they incapacitate you that becomes the problem.

Some people love their painful stories, they don’t just share with a willing ear, they share with any ear. In this instance, it becomes beneficial to the “teller.” It gives them attention and little incentive to make appropriate changes to their perception, to live a more quality existence.

People can remain victimized by their painful stories. And when you’re either sharing it with everyone you meet, beating yourself over the head with it or believing this story must continue into the future, you are not being true to yourself.

These stories are NOT who we are, they are experiences that have happened.

Identifying with what other people have said or done, as “who we are,” is a misperception. It gives power to everything outside of us, so we are emotionally tossed about like a boat on an angry ocean.

Tell me your story. I want to hear it, because I can see where the source of pain comes from that radiates throughout your being, as you “live” it through expression.

And after you have told me the story, it’s time to look at why your story is so important to you.

What is the benefit?

There is always a benefit, whether you like being a victim, gaining sympathy, enjoying your sadness or fitting in to an identity that is made up…the story gives you something.

And it also keeps you stuck. 

Most of us want to feel good, no matter what the circumstances are in our lives. It’s just these stories get in the way.

What can you do?

First.

The story isn’t real. Yes, events happen, which create pain. Loss, abandonment, loneliness, etc… all can be very painful.

It’s an experience, which we go through and it affects us, absolutely.

When I say it isn’t real, what I mean is that “the pain is not WHO we are,” it’s not our identity and we don’t deserve it anymore, than anyone else in the world.

Having a story and being the story are two different things. Accept there’s pain, but you don’t have to accept it as your cross to bear.

Second.

Recognize your responsibility (If it was something you participated in). It allows you freedom and control.

If you see where you are responsible, then you know it is not set in stone that you will do the same exact thing again. You will see where your actions and reactions are in your control. And that allows for change.

Third.

Is the story born from years ago, when you decided to believe certain things about yourself based on others or society in general?

These are our most painful stories, because when we were young and vulnerable, we experienced pain. No one wants to experience that again, so we built defenses (old, child-like defenses) and proceeded to react in a way to preserve ourselves.

Whether we give in, hand out or beat down, we are re-enacting the past and keeping the story alive. 

Fourth.

Learn the seed of your story. Understand that it has created limitations in your life. Do you want it to continue to rule?

No?

Then get real. Look at why you think you’re not enough, too much, unlovable, stupid, crazy, etc… and realize it’s a LIE.

It’s not true. You can change your actions NOW. Once you see that you believed something that wasn’t true about you. All sources outside of us are a choice in how we perceive them and their sphere of influence.

Fifth.

Compassion.

Have compassion for yourself and what you have been through. Have compassion for every way that you have mistreated yourself or someone else. The more compassion you have for you, the more you have for others.

And there is no reason at all that you don’t deserve compassion. 

Listen to your story, listen to others stories, see how their stories are untrue too in how they identify themselves.

So….tell me your story.