The Secret We All Share…

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Human beings. We are a funny bunch.

Many of us tend to focus on what makes us different. Not all of us, but when we get pissed or someone believes something contradictory to us or drives their car how we don’t like it….or makes decisions we would never make, we focus on the differences.

We share that as human beings. Is it the secret? No.

We’ve lost a lot of artists in 2016. The latest being Prince. It didn’t really hit me til later, as I remembered my early adult years coming out of high school, as his songs were the theme to my relationships. Prince, 1999 and later Purple Rain. It was an emotional connection. Leading me deeper to include the part of myself who was freer, wilder, daring and edgy, (having Scorpio rising like him and the love of purple was relatable too) especially with his earlier songs. In those years, I’d drive along listening to Head and Sister.

Though to all appearances I probably appeared pretty straight-laced–wrapped tightly.

My point in sharing here isn’t my grief, the connection to his music or the re-living of those times in the past few days, it is that many of us hide out. We hide from ourselves first and the rest of the world secondly. We all share insecurities. We share weirdness, provocations and the fear of accepting those parts of ourselves others may deem unsavory.

Creativity, namely music and even the expression of any art form elicits what is hidden.

Is it the secret? No, I am getting there.

To continue, I thank artists who live on the edge of that space, because deep inside we all do have an edge, for most a hidden edge. When you hear your favorite song, or one you’ve attached meaning to about an emotional situation how do you actually feel? Vulnerable? Or at others times, tough, sensual, sexual, happy and like dancing your ass off? It creates an emotional connection with yourself. Just like a sad song relating to a break up, or how you feel so alone inside or alienated, it can dig it up and bring it to the surface.

As a fan of all sorts of music on loneliness and alienation, from Grunge to the Church, Echo and The Bunnymen….to the 60’s, 70’s and other genres of music–it used to pull up those murky parts of myself that I wanted to hide….and let me feel myself.

The perfect picture many of us carry on the outside rarely relates to what is going on inside. The CEOs and semi-celebs I’ve worked with are never what they appear to be on the outside, even the most creative ones. Truly! Most are used to being someone else too. Real happiness is not found in hiding the other parts…the ones we tuck away in fear of being found out, doing it wrong or having to explain.

Always for me, I never fit in and in many instances I still don’t (but where I do is magical–any more scorpio rising peeps who love the color purple?)….and it’s okay now. Not fitting in isn’t the fault of others, I believe it is a failure to embrace our own quirks. When trying to be somebody else and fit in, it’s impossible to be fulfilled. We will always feel ill at ease. You and I have our own tribes and the only way to attract those people is to be YOU. If you’re always stuck in pretense, all you will attract are pretentious relationships.

Think about it. Like attracts like.

Is it the secret? Almost.

A step toward the secret we all share is as long as I’m connected to me, I feel free. Freedom is what we all desire, in some capacity. Some of us are waiting for something again, outside of us, to set us free.

As you see there are many things we have in common with one another. Including, the deeper desire to share, to be open and embrace who we really are, to express that freedom, love, happiness and inner peace. We have more in common than less. Really we do.

Let’s take those words and bundle them up into a meaningful place inside of us. The true living of such words is a paradox, because of what may matter more to us.

The secret: We all want to belong.

We all want to be connected.

We all want to be our weird ass selves (yes everyone is weird) and be accepted. We all want to come as we are and no matter what (perhaps only in the privacy of our car, shower, bedroom or the company of strangers) be voicing it from the bottom of our lungs.

And back to the artists, does it mean they live in this way, being who they truly are? They’re like the rest of us, some would say yes, others would say no. (They may have a persona to live into that they created)

It is again what they create in their art, it’s an avenue for us to experience ourselves. And it may be the only time we do experience a part of true selves. Listening to those songs, which take us somewhere else deep inside.

Many of us need outside permission to live in full expression of what lies deep inside of us, and many of us deny what is in those depths, because we want to belong so badly. We want to appear to have it all, (we need the validation, attention and admiration) but I am here to tell you….under the skin of every person who appears to have it all perfectly built is a contradiction.

It’s what makes us lonely, feel disconnected and as though the emptiness inside cannot be permanently filled up. For some it is to keep so busy there’s no connection, just go-go-go and for others it is to be immobilized, also afraid to step into who they really are…it’s where we differ.

We distance, even when we look like we’re belonging. We create drama and strife, because it’s easier than the possible rejection for what truly lives in each of us. It is really through our own creativity that we are re-born.

It is when we say yes to ourselves that it becomes ok. And it means accepting the things we do against ourselves (and others), the ways we do hide out, stand with a huge wall, hurry and get pissed off. It means we embrace ourselves in the messes we create and take responsibility.

Oh yeah, to belong may be a physiological wiring, but we have 1000s of ways we do not take responsibility for the reasons we need to show up in a certain way with particular people. We look emotionally from afar, as though they may have the key to our finally feeling we’ve arrived; if only we can belong and again, we feel the unrest. Looks good on the outside, but sucks on the inside.

I was at a dinner party and someone asked what I do, we had a short conversation where I stated a few things I do, including learning to take responsibility without blaming others. He said, “Don’t we all do that?” And I said those of us who want to remain powerless to change our lives and be happy, yes; we stay victims.

In wanting to belong to a tribe, we may not even know why. We may have picked up those are the cool kids over there and I want to belong. Or we may rebel and say screw the cool kids, I am going to hang with the outsiders. Our group may be tied together in our unhappiness at not living a fully expressed, creative life. We cannot imagine what would become of us if we really sought out those we do belong with, that unknown can keep us dangling our entire lives.

What can you do? What are you willing to risk? How creative do you want to get? How free, happy and at peace do you want to be? You have to look deeper to understand your reasons for where you belong and why, you have to get to your beliefs around self-worth.

Every time I write or share it is a risk for me. Yeah, I am intensely private (believe it or not) and a lot of what I did in my younger years was not about love. It was about winning, appearances and self-inflicted pain. I didn’t know any better, most of us don’t.

Who was I? At the time I had no idea, just a bundle of anxiety, unease, analyzation and intellectual hubris….of course covered with a sense of humor, over-doing, over-giving and trying to be the best.

Some think walls are a great idea, and people have to earn something from us that we’re not even willing to give to ourselves. We also think we need to show up a certain way, so we don’t lose the people around us….because we’re afraid who we really are is nothing.

Ugh, right? The judge that lives in and outside of us telling us our worth, setting the stage for who we are and for many it’s based off someone else’s rules for life. We may want to belong ‘somewhere’ so badly….we create castles in the sky. Nothing real just the appearance of it. If we’re cast out, do we vow to instead be more of who we are or more of who we think other people want?

Finding your creativity may not make you into a world famous artist, but it can open you up to the truth of your spirit. It can help you navigate the lonely waters as you sail toward your tribe. It will free you, release you and allow you to touch on inner peace, love and happiness.

Artists when performing and being in that creative state, touch that part of themselves, even if it is only for the moments they perform. I had a client who had a profession she had not chosen, other than it would satisfy her parents. She was really an artist; truly talented. as an exercise she had to visit an art store and purchase a medium which spoke to her, and create something, take a picture and send it to me.

She did…and it was amazing. Even more amazing was how she felt during the time she was creating it, it opened her up to herself and her joy. If she was to continue to do this on a daily basis, she would touch on the hidden parts of herself, letting them surface, perhaps even accepting them. It could set be the start in setting herself free!

Being who you are and belonging is truly an inner journey first. The one into self-acceptance of all the parts you’ve hidden, buried deeply and pretended are non-existent. Being who you are is not a human-made perfection, it is a spiritual perfection.

Use These Daily To Feel The Love

I thought I would create a slightly different blog post. It’s not about a holiday, it’s about a year-round commitment to loving yourself.

  • Surrender the struggle. We stay in a state of resistance to what is in our lives and wonder why we feel bad, instead just surrendering can open us to a deeper wider space to connect and be creative with seeing opportunity where there once was none.

Surrender the struggle.

  • Take time to connect with what you really want to feel inside of yourself before you respond, react or take inspired action. Often we’re in autopilot and this leads to the same results over and over again. Getting clear will help you make decisions, which feel good (once you get past the fear), but also move you out of your comfort zone and into a deeper connection with love and life.

Take a step back to choose differently it creates better results.

  • Boundaries are not rules for others, they’re affirmations of how we treat ourselves. When we take care of our needs, we respect ourselves, we’re kind loving, giving, forgiving and our own best friend, we exude this to the outside world and they respond in kind. If not, then we make a choice for ourselves, not for or about the other person. To maintain our boundaries is to choose to feel good not because or in spite of another.

Boundaries are not rules for others, they're affirmations of how we treat ourselves.

Anger is a great indicator that all is not well and that these three things aren’t being practiced. Start today and do all three daily this week and see if it makes a difference by the end of the week in how you feel……and in how others treat you too.

Please post in the comments below to let me know how it went for you!

 

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The Curse Of Intelligence

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Living in your head, ‘intellectually’ got it all figured out. You know what’s coming, because you get the nuances life has to offer….and know what each situation calls for in response.

It’s not a fun way to live; there’s rare surprises and even rarer variation from the rigidity of holding to the way you do things (and the when). With the complex rule book in your head, you don’t even know why you hold tight, it just seems right.

Yeah…right in your comfort zone.

Right, so nothing can hurt you, get under your skin or perhaps take you off ‘perceived’ balance.

It’s why so many smart people are single or stay in crappy relationships or even have an okay relationship while giving the sheen of a perfect life.

I can relate.

I’m not a dating expert or coach. I’ve been a mix of a love coach (learning to love oneself), empowerment (in control of one’s emotional state) and relationship coach (teaching people it’s within their power to change a relationship or at least have a different experience of it).

I share, it took me a long while to understand where a coach could help me change my life too. I’m very self-aware, intelligent and always looking within, but I still miss so much–obviously, otherwise my life would look different.

I have a business coach. And now, I’m hiring a dating coach. To help me, like I help others to get the flashlight out and shine a light on my intellectualizing, keeping me from getting real, vulnerable and open.

I’ve seen my fear lately.

I see it lurking and I’m starting to unravel this veil. It’s deeper. I’ve worked this area before. Re-visiting the same stuff, in a different way, but once again it’s a deep dive.

Smart people y’all are your own worst enemy trying to control everyone and everything with smoke and mirrors, which aren’t fooling anyone.

Do you ever find yourself intellectualizing others’ emotions?

Or not wanting to have others witness you crying or looking vulnerable? Believing if you appear strong, everything looking good on the outside, that you or anybody else never has to look inside too deeply (The world will assume you’re okay, so they’ll never ask). We can leave the scary monsters alone.

It’s a lonely, empty and unfulfilling place to live. The intellect doesn’t feed you or anyone else emotionally, it keeps you distant.

In my biz, I speak to many individuals appearing to have their shit totally together, by giving the right intellectual answers to the questions (What emotions? What issues? You have none?). Fortunately, for them, I was one of those people too; I call bullshit on it and get deeper–so their lives change.

Point is, we all need help, or we never really move off our dime.

After coming off my own high horse in the realm of seeking help (because I’m very self-aware) if I don’t commit to someone helping me, things will stay the same. Stale. Boring. Predictable and completely cut off from a life I dream about and am now more courageous than afraid to claim.

No thank you to attracting the same kind of guy, that’s a one-way ticket to hell. Yet, I don’t feel bad, or as though I’m fatally flawed, or anything horrible. I just see my reality, and that I’m the common denominator. I’m single and it’s not tragic, BUT I’ve been unable on my own to achieve my aforementioned dream. So, there must be a mental construct buried needing to come to light.

Smart people can stay stuck for years.

Our lives may not be horrible or unmanageable, but we manipulate ourselves into believing the bullshit we feed others, about how we appear to the rest of the world. Buying into our own story will keep us in it for the rest of our lives.

An example of a story, it’s wanting to stay angry, blaming someone else (especially a parent), holding an intellectual wall holding in place, so you don’t have to be vulnerable or be accountable. It’s old protection from being hurt as a child.

That story of another being a bad or good person is part of what those who intellectualize bring into the carefully constructed persona, in essence we victimize ourselves and remain powerless to change it, as long as we stay in our intellect.

Intellectualizing around dating, career, relationships or anything where feeling (our gut) should be in place, will never allow us to deeply connect with the world. Everything remains at the surface and those patterns tougher to break.

Got anxiety? Depression? Stress and feel overwhelmed? Waiting for a dysfunctional situation to be functional?

You’re in your head.

To be in your intellect is to live in a cocoon, to be busy showing everyone you’re okay and that you have all the answers; pushing away anything threatening the image and to feel dreadfully alone (even in a relationship).

It’s such a waste of time, we’re meant to be living LARGE! Emotionally and spiritually connected, getting uncomfortable as we move toward our dreams!

I’ll let you know how my dating coach adventure goes, because I’m committed to change. How about you? Ready for change? If you’re interested in what I offer in taking a deep dive within, please set up a discovery session.

Click here for the appointment.

 

Falling In Love With…

Falling…as in doing a face plant into love. Sounds sorta painful doesn’t it?

Often for those of us with a penchant for perfectionism, we may find ourselves with a lack of awareness falling into something, and at some later point waking up wondering how we got there!

Our fantasies had originally taken off with our now ‘real’ mate as the central focal point in the perfect play. And we wonder over and over, how did we get here? In the beginning we believed it was perfect, now it has become a fractured fairy tale.

Some of us find this position, not just in relationships, but searching for salvation in some part of our lives. Looking for that scenario–always perfect in mind, and we hope its what saves us…and the one we PERFECTLY imagine to be our dream come true, until it’s not.

What goes wrong?

Acceptance…or lack thereof.

I’d be remiss in not mentioning other items of equal importance, which add to the dissatisfying smorgasbord associated with ‘falling anywhere’.

An inability to shift your perception. Ignoring your own intuition and basically letting your subconscious run rampant with its ol’ rule book! The one about remaining within the guidelines of your belief and it’s supporting cast of patterns to keep on doing things the same ol’ way!

Acceptance leads to falling deeper in love with yourself.

It’s kinda boring isn’t it, to keep thinking and doing in the same ol’ way? I find it rather exhausting when I start to wonder why circumstances don’t change when I find myself in the same ol’ bullshit.

I’m keeping this short.

If you fall in love and wake up wondering what the mystery meat is, it is you. It is your lack.

Lack of awareness, acceptance, understanding, ability to shift or change, desire, and love for what you choose and who you are!

Lack

Lack

Lack

lack in attitude

Wanna skip the face plants? Aren’t you over being in a state of attachment to an ideal and ready to really feel the true abundance of fulfillment and love?

Then do it now.

Fall in love with yourself and everyone else in your life (with or without a mate)….and pay attention. Look for where you see lack and recognize it is not true (only in your mind). Look at your desire for perfectionism and ask yourself what has it ever got you, which made you happy?

Find yourself….and let go of the impostor who has been masquerading as you all these years and falling, instead of grounding and then rising into acceptance of every little nose hair, wrinkle, and imperfection both inside and out.

Even if you make millions of dollars a year, YOU will never be happy deep inside until you really do love yourself for just being YOU.

Assumptions and Real Love Don’t Mix

Ask the Questions

Standing in front of him, as he states the plans for his weekend trip, and you’re wondering why after months of dating he doesn’t introduce you when he goes to visit family?

You don’t ask. You feel hurt and seethe inside. 

Your husband keeps coming home later and later from work. You feel something is funny, but tell yourself he is just working hard for the family.

You don’t ask. You pray.

Your girlfriend says she is busy, so you make excuses for her, instead of noticing these are just bullshit reasons to maintain a distance…..

You don’t ask a direct question. You help keep her dramatic story going.

Your mate tells you a story, instead of getting to the truth, you start to strategize how you will act, perhaps you will people please or be in opposition, and focus on getting things to stay the same, so you’re in control.

You don’t ask, because then things would be out of your control, even though you feel like crap inside.

There are so many scenarios where questions are not asked and why is that my friends?

FEAR.

Fear Is A Fucker.Don't Let It Screw You

It gives the illusion of a loss of control.

It’s easier to live in a false sense of comfort than to rattle the cage of your relationship and deal with the fall out.

Change is scary and most of us would rather create a story of fiction than to get into the nonfiction parts of our lives.

Here’s the deal…..

When you avoid the truth by not asking the direct questions (kindly) and seeking a bona fide REAL answer, all you do is prolong your own misery and the inevitable ugly mess, which will transpire at some point.

It’s unavoidable!

All items swept under the rug do not go away, they become a BIG lump.

Get some courage together, even if you’re shaky and words slowly tumble out of your mouth as you choke….do it. You will feel better, even if things appear beyond your control!

Make sure when you ask the questions, it is not to accuse or to corner someone, it is to seek out of curiosity and understand on a deeper level, so you can make appropriate choices for yourself.

Making appropriate choices for yourself is huge, because you get to be in charge of YOU. It allows you to be vulnerable (which is your truth) and connect to your authenticity.

Real love requires authenticity. And I say this as real love being a place of non-attachment to outcomes, which feed our subconscious confirmation of old crappy beliefs. Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

Try it!

Real love requires transparency, otherwise we will build barriers of resentment against it.

You ain’t got nothing to lose, but what you would’ve lost in the first place.

Remember assumptions are stories YOU have created, they keep you in a bubble–at a distance, because you’ve assumed all sorts of crap about someone else that may or may not be true. You’ve judged it and made it into a story where you’re either the victim or the hero…

You make it where IN YOUR MIND you cannot lose. And at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what you’re really holding onto and why.

What are the questions you are afraid to ask???

 

No apologies; value yourself.

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We demand apologies in our society.

Why do people want an apology when someone clearly is not sorry and doesn’t want to give it?

Does it have some meaning to hear meaningless words?

As a society do we suffer from over-politeness—expected to apologize when we don’t feel regret for our words or actions, so should we do it anyway? We can insert any words besides I am sorry (car door, lollipop, vase, etc) into an apology, when we’re being forced.

I’ve a better idea….how about sticking to being authentic…it has significance and ‘value.’

In our desire to rip an apology from the reluctant hands of the offender, it is to ensure NOTHING changes. NOTHING.

People do NOT like change, especially when it’s associated with loss. (most change means loss of something)

To gain value in yourself, you need to see yourself and others clearly.

If someone hurts you or does something untenable, the first impulse might be to put it all back together again…so nothing changes.

Denial can be alright for a minute or two, but in reality you need to look at what has transpired.

How about apologizing when you’ve done nothing, but just want things to stay the same–hoping it will calm the other person down or he or she won’t blame you for their crappy behavior? Ever experienced this phenomenon?

Elevating yourself while NOT trying to convince someone else of anything you think you deserve is the key.

Let me be clear, by elevating, I mean to take yourself out of the desire to react in an old way; to gain clarity—by rising above it (to see clearly) and looking at the situation as the observer.

When you react to a situation as a victim, it is quite different than saying “I am hurt by this situation” and taking a step back.

Taking a step back to evaluate or let the dust settle, so you can clearly decide what is best for YOU…not the other person(s) is going to lead you in the direction of self-care and empowerment.

Fulfillment equals value.

Value inside means you’re not demanding payment. Instead of demanding a meaningless apology by threatening someone or falling deeper into victimhood, the movement is to care for your own feelings.

Screw meaningless apologies, they change nothing. It’s time to look at reality, the truth and make changes for your own fulfillment.

Some of you may not want to give up on the hope and dreams you have invested in the relationship or situation (personally or professionally) and so action to care for yourself is the last thing you will do.

Valuing yourself is hard to do with other people actively living in your mind. The fear of loss is more important than self-love, until it’s not.

I remember looking for books or other arguments, which supported how I felt, because no one around me understood what was going on with me…and it made me question my value. I needed something outside of me to validate that my feelings are okay.

Stepping out of the role you’ve inhabited–takes an honest appraisal, understanding the way you’ve acted isn’t your TRUE position; it was to get validation. True value cannot be felt through validation from others.

So, what is the bottom line? Give up apologizing, unless you really mean it for an action or word, which you FEEL was a mistake.

Stop waiting for the apologies from the rest of the world, they make no difference to your ultimate value. And recognize that your value is an inside job.

 

I don’t want to spend time fixing myself.

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Do you?

I cannot imagine a more fruitless journey then to try to fix what isn’t broken. Improvement….to what?

Working my ass off to become an ideal that was created outside of myself?…By someone else?

I state this, because there’s a misconception that we’re all broken and for some of us it can be quite the obsession to fix what we think is fatally wrong.

Here’s the truth…we’re all flawed, screwed-up, messy, emotional (if you’ve compartmentalized your emotions, so you’re numb–then you ain’t living–you’re surviving!) and crazy in some aspect!

We’re human beings…..objectively speaking and subjectively we scrutinize ourselves and others with a microscope, trying to be the best…..to compete…to create an illusion.

This isn’t the key to a happy life.

At all.

It’s a never ending hamster wheel of trying to do something that’s impossible and quite frankly a waste of time…think about it, if you’re about self-improvement (subjective)…what’s the ultimate goal? Perfection?

Take a load off.

I have a better idea.

Just be fucked-up you.

Really.

Now some may disagree and like their hamster wheel, but I tend to go with the individual goal of feeling good, happy, having a lot of love in me and around me, enjoying what I do and making decisions that expand my true self.

I prefer to not be anxious, stressed-out, up in arms over someone else’s bullshit, or what the world is or is not doing, because I simply do not have control. No one does…and if you worry about it, or think becoming an improved version of yourself is the answer to world peace….you’re wrong.

It’s about accepting who and what you are….getting to know what makes you tic (not what society says should make you groove), seeing your flaws and saying, “Okay!”

You were told those darker parts of you were unacceptable at some point in your life. The hardest thing to do is not improve, but to say “okay” to what is imperfect; otherwise pretending those flaws don’t exist creates bigger insecurities.

It’s hard to be yourself and happy. Why?

Because we worry to much about what others may think of us, we have a judge and jury in our head. We worry about abandonment; the loss of people connected to us based on some identity that never really belonged to us.

Our truth is fighting to come out all the time.

We bury it, because of our fears…the unknown, criticism, what if we’re wrong, we fail, we get hurt, we have an experience we allow to prove some ugly belief true about us….we’re alone, we feel taken advantage of and so on.

And guess what? All that shit that you and I allow to rule us, is meaningless. On the last day of your life and mine, we can look at everything we didn’t do, that we wanted deep down inside…all the missed experiences and know that we’re out of time.

That’s it.

If you think improving yourself is the way to happiness, it isn’t…it’s actually how you avoid yourself.

Acceptance is deeper, it opens us up to being unlimited (which is far scarier than self-improvement), to really loving, to moving past our fears and saying ‘fuck it’ it’s only an experience…it moves us to stand for our truth…for our desires…our freedom…to be emotionally intimate, to allow ourselves to go into the deep dark caverns inside of us and come out with a smile!

Don’t waste your human experience trying to be a version of yourself that you think is acceptable to others….just be you. Right now.

  • Speak your truth
  • Bring pleasure in your life daily
  • Make choices that make you happy
  • Challenge yourself to take risks to go where you want emotionally and physically
  • Accept the dark, the light and all in between
  • Value yourself
  • Be kind
  • Get clear on your heart’s desire and make a change
  • Leave anxiety on the floor–don’t paint the future with the past
  • Let go of the illusion of control of a small world
  • Let love in–operate from that place
  • Stop being busy all the time
  • Remove people pleasing, don’t commit, unless you really want to….

This is the work I do with clients. Call it whatever you want, but discovering who you are and living that truth is the most powerful call to live your life!

The Reward Is Shame In Our Relationships?

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In our work hard, get a reward later society, many of us bring that to our relationships too.

Especially, those who were raised by emotionally unavailable people.

We think we have to do so much, to get so little. Waiting for pleasure, even saying no to pleasure; we don’t feel we deserve it. There’s often shame where pleasure could take hold.

“I must do more, be more, have more, succeed more and so on.”

This mantra is mainly subconscious, but sometimes it’s conscious. It’s what directs us in our next step. Do we go about it the hard way, like we always do, so we ensure feeling a degree of shame until we accomplish the ‘ideal’ relationship, or life?

We hear the voices of others in our heads telling us what we deserve based on their perception; it says nothing to what we really desire.

A mountain to climb, a valley to dig ourselves out of, choosing people who will force us (just by the dance they do unconsciously too) into the state of mind we say we don’t want, which in turn affects the choices we make, in what we think limits us, as we wait for the reward of being good. Perfect.

Pointing the finger, accusing the other person, or blaming circumstances keeps us stuck.

Losing ourselves in rules guaranteed for us to not receive, we become the martyr (to give our undeserving selves or shame a label). Martyrdom gives us illusive control in a relationship. It keeps us defeated, and working against our pleasure, rather than embracing it.

We picture the reward dangled in front of us, we chase it, trying to extract pleasure from pain, and it’s never the grand payoff; it lacks fulfillment.

Isn’t fulfillment the key to feeling good? Happy?

The sacrifice of self for any reward outside of us isn’t pleasure… it’s pain, filling us with misdirected anger.

Waiting for pleasure from someone else and not giving to ourselves is a sacrifice; we feel shame, because in our minds, we’re not good enough; as we twist and turn to get what we want, but never do.

We have to believe that we deserve pleasure and give it to ourselves. This is so foreign to some of us, but in essence we’re starving and it’s human to want more.

Giving to other people doesn’t mean they give back. We don’t teach people how to treat us, when our underlying current is “you’re disappointing me, unless you give what I want.”

Teaching people how to treat us is not based on telling them or how we treat them, it’s to give to ourselves first and revel in our own pleasure.

Shame has no place in bringing us what we want for ourselves. Ever. Especially in relationships.

I remember feeling shame when told, that perhaps, when my life or my business or my job or whatever it was at the time, became successful, then I’d be rewarded with what I desired.

Hearing this, I felt not good enough, but at the time….I’d no discernment and believed I was being punished.

I didn’t realize I could do something to change it.

Shame doesn’t need to be a part of how we feel in our relationships (or lack of one). There’s no reward at the end of the journey, it’s being present for the daily journey, allowing pleasure that’s always available.

How do we toss shame out and allow pleasure in and out of our relationships?

1. Recognize every moment that shame threatens to take over, remember: it serves no purpose, except to make you feel invisible or unworthy of what you really want.

2. If your mate criticizes, or uses language meant to demean you…ask yourself what is true about what they’re saying, then accept whatever kernel it is and LOVE it. Discard the rest.

3. Open your eyes, take the focus off what you usually see and bring in your surroundings…smiling is that simple. Good is present at all times, get used to seeing it.

4. Connect with other people who support you, no matter what you don’t possess.

5. Mistakes are inevitable, shame will keep you repeating the same one, because you’ll be too afraid to step out and risk…so remember: when each time it happens, purposely continue to choose what you really want.

6. Relax when you start to feel uptight by actually looking at…is the problem imaginary, or happening right now….and if it is not, learn to release it.

Women As Alpha Males?

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“I just step on whatever gets in my way.”

“I’m tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want, if that makes me a bitch, okay!”

“I’m in control! I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man!”

“The more people you love, the weaker you are.”

Just a few random quotes I picked up from women, about women to women (and men).

My question is….

Does living that way, actually bring a sense of happiness, joy, peace and love inside of these women?

Hmmmm….?

Yeah, I remember when I thought strength was being tough, bitchy, and showing the world who was boss. How did I feel at the time? Anxiety-ridden, stressed, depressed, devaluing my value, always working on some imperfection, LONELY, never felt like I was actually in my body…more like I was trying to prove something to someone…..maybe to myself?

The image of strength in our society keeps many women from really discovering who they truly are and what they really want. Our conditioning, whatever circumstances, existed as a child, which told us we needed to shut down, shut out, or create battle lines where, what we carried forth as beliefs about this world and our place in it seemed to be rule in our minds.

Many of us women subconsciously picked up cues as children, which impacted how safe we felt in the world emotionally.

Some of us felt we were all alone on this journey, so we packed our bags and made a pact to DO, GET, FORCE, MAKE, RUN AFTER, DRAG and so on, to build a life that might look good on the surface, but didn’t feel too hot underneath.

True strength is not a teflon coating. Nor is it the ability to put someone down, in their place or appear superior through bitchy behavior. True strength is tougher than that for most of us to live in all the time.

Why?

True strength is our vulnerability; our authenticity.

False strength is showing others that we’re impenetrable; tougher than men! Hell, so tough, we don’t need any help!

But we do.

And if we’re really honest, we don’t feel too great when we’re stepping on others, or pushing them aside to ‘get’ what we want–even if what we want is love.

Many of us learned that passivity brought no results, and frankly, that’s a dead state. When we’re passive we’re lacking confidence. But, when we’re relaxed, authentic, trusting and creative, we’re on fire—confident, connected and happy!

So what’s the deal with women who have donned the clothing of an Alpha Male?

For many it was a way to survive, to turn hurt and anger into motivation, to live according to the standards in society that are set for male accomplishment.

Is it to say we cannot enjoy the same accomplishments as men? Hell no. We can ENJOY all of our accomplishments, but when we go about ‘getting there’ as men do, are we actually enjoying it?

To me its about the inner journey, it’s not about what we show to others, being someone who doesn’t take any shit, or that we go after what we want; it’s about how we feel inside and the results we create when we’re disconnected from our truth.

We will attract to our lives energetically that, which is subconsciously under the surface. For many women who are alpha males, the kind of men that come close, are ones who aren’t sure of who they are either.

Make sense?

When as women, we’ve adopted a way of strategizing through our lives and sticking our emotions in our back pocket, we’re aren’t connected to what is authentic. And so how can we expect who we attract to be any different?

Now this isn’t about self-improvement or changing the men in our lives.

It’s about finding our deeper truth, our real pleasure and trusting that the creativity, passion and untamed flow of life can be a choice to live from rather than one based on a model of strength, which doesn’t belong to us.

Being closed off to our truth will never bring us closer to a happy journey or destination. How do we start to break free from this tamed position, where we’ve domesticated ourselves into believing it’s a man’s world, so we have to be men?

The first step is to connect to our emotions. How do we actually feel when we’re being bitchy? When we’re going after something, because we think it won’t come to us? Or we’re attached to someone who won’t give us what we want and we’re trying to force it anyway?

If that all feels good to you, then you’re not who this post is for, but if this at all feels crappy, heavy, provokes anxiety, fear or inflates your ego (not your confidence) then start somewhere….start to find the true essence, the untamed real female inside of you. She is there. I promise.

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If you are interested in gaining more insight, please visit my home page and click on either the button for women or men, read through the pages provided for a deeper understanding of what it is I am talking about here.

 

A Meltdown.

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There was a time in my life where I could really lose it, cry, wail and dig deeply into the cracks between how I held myself together. Those times happen rarely, if ever, anymore, well….until recently.

I was out to dinner with my kids celebrating my youngest getting a job, leading to the start of her career.

We were driving home, talking about some funny moments from their childhood, and I mentioned this one mom from a particular scenario. I originally met her, when I only had two of my three kids. Our lives would continue to somewhat intermingle throughout their childhood, but we were never friends. She was someone who I had felt never liked me.

As I mentioned her name, my son tells me she died. I look at him incredulously, maybe he’s confused? How would he know and I never did, because it didn’t just happen yesterday, she’s been gone more than a handful of years!?

Memories came flooding back to the earliest of years when I met her in a parenting group, where we both were board members, and I was at her house with my now three kids preparing for an event. I remember her talking about moving, from the town she lived in, to the more affluent one next door.

Other glimpses of the past hit me and I wanted to cry.

I thought, about everything she was missing, all the hopes and dreams we all had when our kids were so young. I had to wrap my head around the fact that, as far as I knew, she never got to ‘right her dreams,’ so many difficult events took place after her move to the town where I also raised my kids…I wondered if she was finally at peace? She hadn’t died in the marriage of that old dream, nor had she stayed in the town where she felt she had finally arrived….and I felt so sad, because I didn’t know the truth. And why did it bother me so much?

There were so many associations I had with other people, how had no one mentioned this to me? And yet, why would they?

As my sadness grew over someone who had really been little more than an acquaintance, I found myself crying over all sorts of loss and all the decisions I made years ago that I now realized I really never forgave myself for the ones, which caused myself and others pain. In the old days, I always appeared ‘so’ together, I knew the truth…I wasn’t, because as it took me years to figure out…no one is all together.

During, what turned from just grieving someone else’s ‘supposed’ un-lived life , I was now in the midst of a full blown meltdown.

Bringing in the whole cavalry of punishing events from the past.

Things, I thought I had worked through, came roaring back. Why did I leave my marriage? What did I do to my kids? What the fuck, why couldn’t I handle it back then–the parts that were insurmountable to me at the time? Look at the mess I made of my life……and blah, blah, blah….

Oh lordy, like a full blown pity party, but it wasn’t. It was a realization. No matter how many times I think I’ve forgiven myself and the rest of the world. I hadn’t in one profound way, in the act of suffering and punishment.

If I could find a hard road, I’d take it…if I could work with commitment and lose while others won–I’d do it, if I could separate myself and have less than the rest of the world, I’d be in. I didn’t deserve ease, goodness or a healthy relationship…..I had to be punished for some perceived wrongs of my past.

This was not a newsflash! I was well aware of it for years, I’d made huge leaps and bounds in moving through it to the other side, but during this meltdown, IT WAS STILL THERE.

What we resist, persists.

Acceptance is what finally creeped in the back door. Accepting how fucked up I felt and that I quite possibly could be the greatest saboteur to the life plans that are currently unfolding at this moment. There was no shoving it aside, forgiving it or blessing it….there was an acceptance that it exists, because it had for years, even before I was married, when I used to be not just a type A, but a perfectionist too.

Acceptance is how we go through, rather than around or hide it. Once we accept it, we can go about our lives knowing a part of us–the darker, twisted part could ‘openly’ go along for the ride too.

The meltdown served its purpose.

As unexpected as it was, it came from a culmination of everything I’d been moving in the rhythm of being kinder to myself; allowing help, serving at the level of freedom and love, soaking into my subconscious a way of thinking and ‘doing’ that I’d talked about, but never really felt.

My whole demeanor had been changing, as I heard from others who had been around me for years; it showed I had been shifting gears inside over a long period of time.

Forgiving, accepting, embracing and bringing ourselves forward even with the understanding, we may not feel we deserve it, is the key to living an authentic life. The shitty shit doesn’t magically go away, but how we treat it, makes a huge difference in our willingness to move out of the comfort zone of crucifying ourselves or beating ourselves up, over decisions we’ve made. It’s only in taking the whole with its fragments, that we find our truth, which leads us to living a life fulfilled.