Do you need an apology?

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Most of us think, if we just had that apology from someone who has hurt us or done something we deem as wrong, then we’ll feel better.

Is that ever really true?

Of course, it’s lovely if someone takes responsibility for their words and actions, but what impact does it really have on our inner world?

Do we feel validated? Or that we weren’t nuts, thinking the other person’s behavior was out of line….what do we actually get that feeds us, if we’re already taking caring of ourselves?

Recently, I asked myself the question, “Do you need this apology?”

I’d received a text from someone who as of late last year, I’d stopped seeing after a very long on/off, “learned a lot about myself” kind of relationship.

The text was followed by a call; the voicemail he left, stated his desire to apologize for being the jackass in my life. (his words)

At first, I was caught off-guard, but then I asked…did I need his apology? What would it do for me? Uh….Nothing.

Not an angry ‘nothing‘….. more of a resolve for myself. I’m okay, I don’t hate him or feel he owes me anything. I’ve taken full responsibility for participating and allowing his behavior to have been a source of discontent…..or so… I thought.

I found myself in the days that followed with ‘scattered moments’ of a long past scene or a situation, playing out in my mind. Times I had forgotten about, and ones, in which, I’d left myself somewhere else. It was good they came up! I understood to a greater degree, where I was emotionally back then, why I’d been there and what kept me emotionally chained to something, which never really delivered…

I didn’t want to give him hell. I have no idea his current intentions. It doesn’t matter, because nothing he’d say has the power to remove what happened between us.

Back then, I’d lived in the land of potential, listening to promises and some kind of crazy hopeful expectations.

And now, I had awareness, understanding… I’d forgiven myself….and him. A long time ago.

Needing to have an apology from someone is secondary, when we take responsibility for our part.

Accountability is a personal thing, we cannot force others to show up how we want or wait for the day, when he or she wakes up and smell the coffee! NO ONE OWES US. And I mean, NO ONE.

Perhaps, in the movies a proclamation and an apology from the leading man to his beloved for his misbehaving seems to be the cure all to the emotional tension in the audience. We NEED that apology!

I’ve witnessed it when I’ve coached couples, one is waiting for that damn apology and the other may have given it a million times or be reticent to give it! If our mate has apologized so many times, what is it we actually want? What is going to fill that space inside that is clearly NOT taken care of with an apology?  Why do we want to remain a victim to the story in our mind, which holds someone we love as the blame?

And if our mate refuses to cop to the responsibility, because of shame, or its a power struggle…what is really going on there?

We’re the ones to resolve our own feelings inside of us. When we wait or fingerpoint, it takes us away from the connection we have to our own power.  Empowerment doesn’t come from an apology; it comes from within.

This doesn’t mean we should allow someone who loves us to treat us badly.

It means we have to take responsibility for being there (remaining there) in the first place. The excuses, the reasons and everything, which placed us in that relationship. When we understand the dance we do with someone else, which in the case of dysfunction, is to make sure, some of our less positive beliefs about ourselves are proven true…we’re then empowered enough to be set free….whether we get an apology or not.

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5 Ways To Empower Your Life For The Better

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Relationships rule our lives.

We may get out of bed each morning, dreading interaction with someone during our upcoming day. We may spend time ruminating over the negative feelings and feel uninspired to believe we can actually change something in the communication or our feelings toward them.

Thinking of the “what ifs,” can disempower us from making any decisions in our daily lives and therefore, we can stay stuck in a monotonous circle.

The only power to change anything in our lives resides within us and requires a shift in our perception of reality. How easy is it to do?

It is only through our deepest desire that we can sustain the energy it takes to empower our relationships and our lives.

Wanting to empower ourselves for a better life takes the following:

Step #1: It takes commitment; we must first understand our level of deserving, before we can truly commit to the process of creating a better life. If we do not feel deep inside (based on our beliefs) that we deserve more than settling or struggle, we need to be aware that we’re in a state of resistance to good ‘easily’ coming our way.

Step #2: It’s not all about us. The thoughts in our head rarely have anything to do with another person’s perception of reality. We assume, we know their intention and why they do what they do, but in reality we don’t and we never will…. even if they tell us.

Why is this the case?

Think about how often our mind changes, how skewed our intention can be from one minute to the next, when emotions influence many of our thoughts. Many people lack the self-awareness to understand that half the stories they tell themselves are b.s. and the individuals with self-awareness need to understand that assuming anything about anyone is just a way of avoiding ourselves.

Step #3: Take responsibility for all thoughts and actions we initiate. This means we have control over our lives, when we place blame outside of us, we become a victim who doesn’t have the tools to ‘create’, because there is always something stopping us. Freeing ourselves from what we try to manipulate or blame will result in an opening of our heart and mind to possibilities (rather than living in the belief that what we want is impossible).

Step #4: Get clear on what we actually want. This comes from knowing who we are, which is actually a question most people cannot answer about themselves. Many of us have been conditioned to believe we are someone else, through whatever strategies we identified with as a matter of survival or gaining attention as a child. We have forgotten what we actually love, where our joy is ignited and may not trust the desires we have are nothing more than a passing fancy.

Showing up in all parts of our lives as the same person, rather than in different roles to suit the player, will bring about a dynamic potency to our vision. The clearer our intention, the better our life will become.

Step #5: Be in the present moment. Not only do we need to know who we are, so we can be clear on what we want…we must also bring our entire selves into the moment. When we’re checked out, we are not empowered and we’re not actually engaged in what we’re doing, how we’re interacting and therefore unable to feel connected.

Removing the compartments and accepting what currently ‘is’ in our lives will allow us to be authentic, to make decisions from a clear, connected and centered place within us. It gives us the opportunity to empower ourselves with our action, words and choices in the current moment—when we are “wholly” present.

It’s Tiring To Write People Off…

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I get tired of people writing other people off.

I listen as they speak volumes on the negative qualities possessed by the person who apparently tortures them.

Why can’t he or she act right?

If he or she would just do the right thing, then everything would be okay!

As though this is somehow a solution to anything. We may get to a point where we write them off, as just badly damaged, beyond repair or broken…and I say, “Why do we speak of people as though they are a non-functioning old TV set?”

Who are we to place the responsibility of any situation entirely on the shoulders of someone who has clearly shown they’re not capable of carrying the world on their shoulders?

Did we select them? Did they choose to be responsible for our happiness? Our success? Our anything?

How does one go about making sure they are chosen for the job of most shamed?

And on the other side of the coin, we don’t want our issues resolved, because then we’d have to take responsibility.

Could it be that…

We want to be disappointed.

We want to be victimized, we like having no power–so then there is nothing, which happens, which is our fault.

Our issues have nothing to do with anybody, but ourselves.

We are our own issue.

And every single person has value. Even people who we keep trying to devalue, blame and place responsibility for things falling apart onto….it has to be someone’s fault, right?

When it comes to people who seem to consistently disappoint, it’s really a matter of how they see their own value.

How they see themselves may be skewed–so they don’t see their truth, and instead, act in ways to support their belief that they’re unworthy, et al.  Often, we see these as the people we want to write off, because of their inconsistency, withdrawal, laziness, stonewalling or any sort of negative mood or attitude that pushes other people away.

I know, because I’ve been that person. I’ve also been on the receiving end of it. Most people who show up that way, are not horrible people (excluding abusive individuals).

They want love as much as the next person.

They may lack the awareness about their core belief in believing they deserve love,  goodness and acceptance. They just stand in their own way.

Can we fix them?

Convince them?

Give them self-help reading materials?

Paint an arrow on the road, leading this way?

No. Not really.

First, all any of us can do, is to take care of ourselves.

Second, if someone wants to open up and recognize their value, it’s not an overnight thing. It wasn’t for me or anyone else I know who believed they were unworthy of love. I had to stop setting up the situations, which would leave me abandoned or feeling bad, so that the crappy belief I had about myself was proven true.

It takes a lot of awareness and actively getting uncomfortable by taking action, which we’d normally never take in a ‘given’ situation.

Third, it’s really about taking emotional risks, which create an emotional experience (which is the language of our subconscious) to change lives. It’s their choice, not ours.

Many of us feel like we’re not good enough. Our actions support it–think about when we feel bad–do we withdraw? Act in an off-putting way?  So, it’s the same for others too.

If we make someone else’s actions about us, then we’ve become a victim….we want something from them to make up for what we feel they ‘did’ to us.

An apology or acknowledgement or something to say they screwed up, they’re mean, etc…and while we ‘wait’ in resentment, because they have our power until they give us back what we think is missing…all it shows is we aren’t taking care of ourselves.

We may get so pissed off, we want to write that person off. We build a case against them; we tell stories of their savagery–gaining sympathy for our victimized state and in the end, if we have enough ammunition and kick this person to the curb…what did we win?

We still haven’t resolved our original issue.

The one we’re avoiding by blaming someone else for our problems, or focusing on why they show up the way they do….or anything we give our power to showing us how little we value ourselves.

Next time you want to write someone off, ask what “you’re” taking personally, that they do.

Find out why you are there, what did you allow when you should’ve had boundaries and what are you trying to get? What validation do you think you need?

Keep asking yourself questions and when you have clarity–start admitting YOUR truth to yourself and then others…it is freeing and it will stop you from wondering if you should write people off.

Why?

Because, your focus will shift to your happiness, and making choices for yourself for your fulfillment.