Do you ever act or speak in ways to be accepted or looked to as someone who has your shit together?
I mean, having the appearance of being ‘real’? Down to Earth?
For years, people said that of me.
I said that of me too.
It wasn’t true.
Being numb can seem like real or calm to the world, it gives the impression that all is well, until, well, it isn’t.
If a crisis happens, or even better, if someone criticizes you….how do you feel?
Do you feel shame? Are you cringing, as though you’ve finally been found out? Do you do a ‘mental’ scramble to get back in auto-pilot, appear in control?
It’s really a sign of being numb. Numb, numb, numb…until a sharpshooter pierces your veil. Unraveling the ‘real’ disconnection to yourself.
Insulated, in control of all circumstances (it gives the impression of peace/calm), builds a small world. Even if you travel, move residence, buy or sell a company, a car, get in a relationship….or go to yoga, in other words the appearance looks like action….but you still feel bad.
Appearances aren’t the true story.
Being numb means repetition: buy more, sell more, travel more, work more and so on.
Taking you back and forth between calm and anxiety. Calm when all is under control, and anxious when it appears you can’t trust what is happening.
I know this so well. SO WELL.
I journaled this morning, thinking about my recently hiring two different coaches, for two different areas of my life. And how in the past, when I hired someone, I looked to outsmart them! As though, the issue was to prove I was okay, successful, etc, so I could believe help was useless. To appear evolved was more important than my happiness and well-being.
I went to therapy only to be told I was too evolved.
I knew I could intelligently explain what was going on with me, speak psychology, but really…I wouldn’t have been sitting in their offices, had I not been suffering from a shit-ton of anxiety.
Being real was NOT happening, there was NO vulnerability.
I intellectually leveled the playing field, so the therapist had no more knowledge or power than me. Crazy right? If I was feeling inferior and wanted to show I was superior, how the fuck could I get help?
It took me a long time (this scenario was over a decade ago) to get it emotionally. The defensive way I stood ground, proving no one could help me. Oh brother!
I looked calm, in charge and connected. I WAS NUMB. Until something out of my control happened. In the form of a relationship or monetary loss, or some security. Anxiety would pull me a long day after day, while I intellectually tried to solve the problem.
Intellectually trying to resolve feelings or emotions makes you numb…there’s a wall inside of you keeping REAL out. It locks out fulfillment, while protecting your stale belief system.
Your world gets smaller. Being real requires emotional risk. Not actions that just look like risk, like quitting your job and moving to a third world country to help people. It requires emotionally being connected to your WHY, to challenging yourself to break open, to breathe, relax, allow, trust, YOURSELF and life.
By smaller, being unaware that your life is HUGE repetition of last year. It’s familiar, you don’t go deep and act from there. Numbness is preferred. REAL possibility doesn’t exist, because you repeat the past.
How is it real? Being numb matters, because YOU never experience life at the level of inner fulfillment.
Being real means non-attachment to outcomes, being emotionally present and stepping into UNLIMITED possibilities! A numb control freak cannot do it.
For me it’s having help, allowing it. So, if I start disregarding advice… I ask: will this help me if I disprove it? Or will I be more fulfilled, successful, happy and so on, allowing a helping hand….by being real and vulnerable?
It matters to live this way. It sparkles! Being real is a flow, it’s a free ride, because the cost of being numb and rigid to old ways is gone. Every time I say YES to help, to emotional risk and listening to my heart–my external circumstances bring more fulfillment–connection.
Want to break out of the numbness? Want an opportunity to really grab onto a shooting star and FEEL amazing? Schedule a discovery session, we can dive into together!