I don’t want to spend time fixing myself.

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Do you?

I cannot imagine a more fruitless journey then to try to fix what isn’t broken. Improvement….to what?

Working my ass off to become an ideal that was created outside of myself?…By someone else?

I state this, because there’s a misconception that we’re all broken and for some of us it can be quite the obsession to fix what we think is fatally wrong.

Here’s the truth…we’re all flawed, screwed-up, messy, emotional (if you’ve compartmentalized your emotions, so you’re numb–then you ain’t living–you’re surviving!) and crazy in some aspect!

We’re human beings…..objectively speaking and subjectively we scrutinize ourselves and others with a microscope, trying to be the best…..to compete…to create an illusion.

This isn’t the key to a happy life.

At all.

It’s a never ending hamster wheel of trying to do something that’s impossible and quite frankly a waste of time…think about it, if you’re about self-improvement (subjective)…what’s the ultimate goal? Perfection?

Take a load off.

I have a better idea.

Just be fucked-up you.

Really.

Now some may disagree and like their hamster wheel, but I tend to go with the individual goal of feeling good, happy, having a lot of love in me and around me, enjoying what I do and making decisions that expand my true self.

I prefer to not be anxious, stressed-out, up in arms over someone else’s bullshit, or what the world is or is not doing, because I simply do not have control. No one does…and if you worry about it, or think becoming an improved version of yourself is the answer to world peace….you’re wrong.

It’s about accepting who and what you are….getting to know what makes you tic (not what society says should make you groove), seeing your flaws and saying, “Okay!”

You were told those darker parts of you were unacceptable at some point in your life. The hardest thing to do is not improve, but to say “okay” to what is imperfect; otherwise pretending those flaws don’t exist creates bigger insecurities.

It’s hard to be yourself and happy. Why?

Because we worry to much about what others may think of us, we have a judge and jury in our head. We worry about abandonment; the loss of people connected to us based on some identity that never really belonged to us.

Our truth is fighting to come out all the time.

We bury it, because of our fears…the unknown, criticism, what if we’re wrong, we fail, we get hurt, we have an experience we allow to prove some ugly belief true about us….we’re alone, we feel taken advantage of and so on.

And guess what? All that shit that you and I allow to rule us, is meaningless. On the last day of your life and mine, we can look at everything we didn’t do, that we wanted deep down inside…all the missed experiences and know that we’re out of time.

That’s it.

If you think improving yourself is the way to happiness, it isn’t…it’s actually how you avoid yourself.

Acceptance is deeper, it opens us up to being unlimited (which is far scarier than self-improvement), to really loving, to moving past our fears and saying ‘fuck it’ it’s only an experience…it moves us to stand for our truth…for our desires…our freedom…to be emotionally intimate, to allow ourselves to go into the deep dark caverns inside of us and come out with a smile!

Don’t waste your human experience trying to be a version of yourself that you think is acceptable to others….just be you. Right now.

  • Speak your truth
  • Bring pleasure in your life daily
  • Make choices that make you happy
  • Challenge yourself to take risks to go where you want emotionally and physically
  • Accept the dark, the light and all in between
  • Value yourself
  • Be kind
  • Get clear on your heart’s desire and make a change
  • Leave anxiety on the floor–don’t paint the future with the past
  • Let go of the illusion of control of a small world
  • Let love in–operate from that place
  • Stop being busy all the time
  • Remove people pleasing, don’t commit, unless you really want to….

This is the work I do with clients. Call it whatever you want, but discovering who you are and living that truth is the most powerful call to live your life!

The Reward Is Shame In Our Relationships?

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In our work hard, get a reward later society, many of us bring that to our relationships too.

Especially, those who were raised by emotionally unavailable people.

We think we have to do so much, to get so little. Waiting for pleasure, even saying no to pleasure; we don’t feel we deserve it. There’s often shame where pleasure could take hold.

“I must do more, be more, have more, succeed more and so on.”

This mantra is mainly subconscious, but sometimes it’s conscious. It’s what directs us in our next step. Do we go about it the hard way, like we always do, so we ensure feeling a degree of shame until we accomplish the ‘ideal’ relationship, or life?

We hear the voices of others in our heads telling us what we deserve based on their perception; it says nothing to what we really desire.

A mountain to climb, a valley to dig ourselves out of, choosing people who will force us (just by the dance they do unconsciously too) into the state of mind we say we don’t want, which in turn affects the choices we make, in what we think limits us, as we wait for the reward of being good. Perfect.

Pointing the finger, accusing the other person, or blaming circumstances keeps us stuck.

Losing ourselves in rules guaranteed for us to not receive, we become the martyr (to give our undeserving selves or shame a label). Martyrdom gives us illusive control in a relationship. It keeps us defeated, and working against our pleasure, rather than embracing it.

We picture the reward dangled in front of us, we chase it, trying to extract pleasure from pain, and it’s never the grand payoff; it lacks fulfillment.

Isn’t fulfillment the key to feeling good? Happy?

The sacrifice of self for any reward outside of us isn’t pleasure… it’s pain, filling us with misdirected anger.

Waiting for pleasure from someone else and not giving to ourselves is a sacrifice; we feel shame, because in our minds, we’re not good enough; as we twist and turn to get what we want, but never do.

We have to believe that we deserve pleasure and give it to ourselves. This is so foreign to some of us, but in essence we’re starving and it’s human to want more.

Giving to other people doesn’t mean they give back. We don’t teach people how to treat us, when our underlying current is “you’re disappointing me, unless you give what I want.”

Teaching people how to treat us is not based on telling them or how we treat them, it’s to give to ourselves first and revel in our own pleasure.

Shame has no place in bringing us what we want for ourselves. Ever. Especially in relationships.

I remember feeling shame when told, that perhaps, when my life or my business or my job or whatever it was at the time, became successful, then I’d be rewarded with what I desired.

Hearing this, I felt not good enough, but at the time….I’d no discernment and believed I was being punished.

I didn’t realize I could do something to change it.

Shame doesn’t need to be a part of how we feel in our relationships (or lack of one). There’s no reward at the end of the journey, it’s being present for the daily journey, allowing pleasure that’s always available.

How do we toss shame out and allow pleasure in and out of our relationships?

1. Recognize every moment that shame threatens to take over, remember: it serves no purpose, except to make you feel invisible or unworthy of what you really want.

2. If your mate criticizes, or uses language meant to demean you…ask yourself what is true about what they’re saying, then accept whatever kernel it is and LOVE it. Discard the rest.

3. Open your eyes, take the focus off what you usually see and bring in your surroundings…smiling is that simple. Good is present at all times, get used to seeing it.

4. Connect with other people who support you, no matter what you don’t possess.

5. Mistakes are inevitable, shame will keep you repeating the same one, because you’ll be too afraid to step out and risk…so remember: when each time it happens, purposely continue to choose what you really want.

6. Relax when you start to feel uptight by actually looking at…is the problem imaginary, or happening right now….and if it is not, learn to release it.

Women As Alpha Males?

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“I just step on whatever gets in my way.”

“I’m tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want, if that makes me a bitch, okay!”

“I’m in control! I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man!”

“The more people you love, the weaker you are.”

Just a few random quotes I picked up from women, about women to women (and men).

My question is….

Does living that way, actually bring a sense of happiness, joy, peace and love inside of these women?

Hmmmm….?

Yeah, I remember when I thought strength was being tough, bitchy, and showing the world who was boss. How did I feel at the time? Anxiety-ridden, stressed, depressed, devaluing my value, always working on some imperfection, LONELY, never felt like I was actually in my body…more like I was trying to prove something to someone…..maybe to myself?

The image of strength in our society keeps many women from really discovering who they truly are and what they really want. Our conditioning, whatever circumstances, existed as a child, which told us we needed to shut down, shut out, or create battle lines where, what we carried forth as beliefs about this world and our place in it seemed to be rule in our minds.

Many of us women subconsciously picked up cues as children, which impacted how safe we felt in the world emotionally.

Some of us felt we were all alone on this journey, so we packed our bags and made a pact to DO, GET, FORCE, MAKE, RUN AFTER, DRAG and so on, to build a life that might look good on the surface, but didn’t feel too hot underneath.

True strength is not a teflon coating. Nor is it the ability to put someone down, in their place or appear superior through bitchy behavior. True strength is tougher than that for most of us to live in all the time.

Why?

True strength is our vulnerability; our authenticity.

False strength is showing others that we’re impenetrable; tougher than men! Hell, so tough, we don’t need any help!

But we do.

And if we’re really honest, we don’t feel too great when we’re stepping on others, or pushing them aside to ‘get’ what we want–even if what we want is love.

Many of us learned that passivity brought no results, and frankly, that’s a dead state. When we’re passive we’re lacking confidence. But, when we’re relaxed, authentic, trusting and creative, we’re on fire—confident, connected and happy!

So what’s the deal with women who have donned the clothing of an Alpha Male?

For many it was a way to survive, to turn hurt and anger into motivation, to live according to the standards in society that are set for male accomplishment.

Is it to say we cannot enjoy the same accomplishments as men? Hell no. We can ENJOY all of our accomplishments, but when we go about ‘getting there’ as men do, are we actually enjoying it?

To me its about the inner journey, it’s not about what we show to others, being someone who doesn’t take any shit, or that we go after what we want; it’s about how we feel inside and the results we create when we’re disconnected from our truth.

We will attract to our lives energetically that, which is subconsciously under the surface. For many women who are alpha males, the kind of men that come close, are ones who aren’t sure of who they are either.

Make sense?

When as women, we’ve adopted a way of strategizing through our lives and sticking our emotions in our back pocket, we’re aren’t connected to what is authentic. And so how can we expect who we attract to be any different?

Now this isn’t about self-improvement or changing the men in our lives.

It’s about finding our deeper truth, our real pleasure and trusting that the creativity, passion and untamed flow of life can be a choice to live from rather than one based on a model of strength, which doesn’t belong to us.

Being closed off to our truth will never bring us closer to a happy journey or destination. How do we start to break free from this tamed position, where we’ve domesticated ourselves into believing it’s a man’s world, so we have to be men?

The first step is to connect to our emotions. How do we actually feel when we’re being bitchy? When we’re going after something, because we think it won’t come to us? Or we’re attached to someone who won’t give us what we want and we’re trying to force it anyway?

If that all feels good to you, then you’re not who this post is for, but if this at all feels crappy, heavy, provokes anxiety, fear or inflates your ego (not your confidence) then start somewhere….start to find the true essence, the untamed real female inside of you. She is there. I promise.

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If you are interested in gaining more insight, please visit my home page and click on either the button for women or men, read through the pages provided for a deeper understanding of what it is I am talking about here.

 

When Saying “NO” Seems Too Hard…

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Writing on this topic, presents the culmination of many people around me, including myself who have found themselves in the pickle of wanting to say “NO” and not doing it.

Trying to live authentic lives–where we do what we want, say what we want and show up as we want is difficult to do consistently, and we often don’t do it where we fear loss.

The specter of disappointing others can bind us to the mast of a ship headed to the rough seas of saying ‘yes’ when every inch of our being wants to scream, “NO!”

Guilt plays a huge factor in going along, to get along, what if we hurt someone else by not giving them what they want?

The amount of value we have is directly tied to what sort of situations we find ourselves in, because sometimes we say yes when we mean no, believing that this is as good as it might get for us (by the way it’s a whole series of YES’S that lead us to the crossroads–it’s never just one YES, which got us here). Better to settle here than to risk further into the unknown where we might end up alone, broke, a failure or some other label that we fear.

When we’re at our most confident and connected to our more life affirming beliefs, we have faith that what we truly want is out there and we’re much less willing to say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘NO.’

Most humans struggle with “Am I enough, good enough or worthy of…. fill in the blank and when we feel the heaviness inside that this might be it, we cling…with our reasoning founded in not wanting to upset the apple cart.

We might disappoint or hurt others, they may stop asking us to come out and play.

Perhaps,they may feel we’re slighting them, or that somehow we’re responsible for their emotional well-being (forgetting our own). Others around us may guilt trip us into what they believe is best for us, BASED on their own experiences. Most advice comes from the success or failure others have experienced, which actually says ‘nothing’ of what our experience could or might be!

When basing our decisions on outside factors, we always stand to lose, especially IF we’re not honest with ourselves.

If we’re saying yes to a job we don’t want, fighting the urge to run in the other direction, at least be truthful. We’re probably afraid if we don’t take it, another won’t come along. Our conditioning may say there’s a scarcity of opportunity; proven by our long search! So someone FINALLY recognizing our value–makes us feel we found more than a mirage in the desert! And…what if no other employer gives us a better opportunity? Better take it now!

Freedom is a wonderful concept, which takes a commitment to live in daily.

We feel pulled by obligations whether imagined or quite real, so why do we add to the prison we build by trying to tell ourselves “we have to do, what we don’t want to do?”

I’ve failed and I’ve succeeded, whether it’s in a single situation, a relationship, a job, my own business or even choosing a restaurant. The thing that’s clear is when I do something, which may cause a ruffle outside of me; it doesn’t compare to the one inside of me when I’m in opposition to myself.

And when we find the choice we made NOT in favor of ourselves, we look for things outside of us to build a case, such as finding flaws in someone, or something…and that doesn’t work, in the end it is no one else’s fault when we go against ourselves.

It’s our responsibility to live our lives; to be in the driver’s seat, because in the end, we’re the ones who have to live with our choices.

And for some of us we’d rather fall on our own sword, torturing ourselves, rather than suffer our perceived guilt, selfishness, or horrible outcome–because we believe we may never have a better opportunity etc…so we say ‘yes’ and slowly die in that moment….and many moments after, which we live through the repercussions of the decision to not choose ourselves.

The Hardest Thing You Can Ever Do…

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Become Who I am. Become Who You Truly Are. Become Who We Truly Are.

Those statements are harder than we think.

In some situations, we’re truly who we are, honest, authentic, NOT ‘trying’ to please, get along or do things, which we don’t want to do…or put up with behaviors that really don’t interest us.

At other times, we’re totally compromised.

We can feel ourselves slipping away into the energy of someone or something else–where we don’t want to disappoint or suffer loss; feeling ourselves putting up walls, getting defensive and perhaps, becoming stubborn. Even feeling angry, or discontented and wondering why?

For myself….I “do things I don’t want to do at times, because of guilt, or I don’t want to disappoint someone.” Of course, the head trip I can beat myself up with leads me to old questions, which used to haunt me, “Will I ever belong?”

Can I ever do the right thing?

Do I always have to compromise myself and feel “eh” about doing things I don’t want to do, to either please others or fit into my role (that I cast years ago)?

Am I a curmudgeon; is it a comfort zone thing?

Now, these questions may seem funny coming from me (if you know me), because I tend to do what I want (according to others), say what I feel or think most of the time and yet, at times, I felt like I swam in a big circle and had been unconsciously trying to do the right thing (by someone else’s standards) and haphazardly doing what’s right for me.

Makes for one messy human being!!! LOL!

To be who we truly are, we have to practice awareness, first and foremost.

Even when we compromise ourselves, to be authentic is to say, “Ok, I’m doing this action, not because I want to, but because I feel guilty, or I will get validation that I’m a good egg or I promised or fill in the blank. Instead of burying it inside of us and lying to ourselves that we really want to do something, which we aren’t interested in at all.

True authenticity requires a slowing down and a connection to our inner truth. Most of us DO NOT want to do this, it’s easier or so it seems, to remain disconnected.

WHY?

We recognize there’d be change in what we do, which signifies some kind of loss. We may hate our position in life, but cling out of fear of what could happen! We know the familiar and believe on some level it’s the best we can do!

Because scarcity can cause us to cling (what if we fail as ourselves, or end up homeless or alone, etc) to the false parts of our lives, we may never become fully authentic.

No one else is to blame.

If we hold others’ responsible for our choices (even if they’re counting on us–they cannot force us), we will never be true to ourselves.

Being authentic is:

  • Taking full responsibility for what we say and do.
  • Remaining connected to our desires and needs (and acting on them).
  • Speaking our truth.
  • Not pretending.
  • Not purposely seeking validation from others.
  • Doing the right thing for ourselves.
  • Risking what is false or constricting to discover our deeper truth.
  • Committing to our happiness.
  • Facing scarcity down, by letting go, getting uncomfortable and believing WE deserve an abundance of opportunities.
  • Allowing those we’ve known, to be their authentic selves.
  • Opening to a new tribe of people.
  • Living our true dreams.
  • Say yes when we mean yes, no when we mean no. (and when we don’t–don’t deny it)
  • Treat ourselves how we want to be treated–always!
  • AND ACCEPT YOURSELF, MYSELF, OURSELVES just as we are!!!!

For me, I keep heading toward more and more risks that scare the crap out of me, but I know the way I’ve gotten here, isn’t how I want to continue.

My own evolution is reflected personally and professionally.

I started a new radio show, not cuz it’s a great business move (who knows), but because it brings me joy! I’m going to start life-changing retreats for my clients, which include hiking, certain modalities of getting into deeper exploration leading to authentic change in my clients…why? Because it turns me on (rather than just thinking about it FOREVER and staying in some miserable place of settling–not going for it) and in doing what I LOVE in all parts of my life, it changes–there’s loss, but the gain is so much sweeter…I just have to put the seatbelt on and be present for the ride!!!

There are so many other things I am creating, including an online dating profile to put myself out there and possibly meet my partner in crime! :)

How about you?

Do you need an apology?

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Most of us think, if we just had that apology from someone who has hurt us or done something we deem as wrong, then we’ll feel better.

Is that ever really true?

Of course, it’s lovely if someone takes responsibility for their words and actions, but what impact does it really have on our inner world?

Do we feel validated? Or that we weren’t nuts, thinking the other person’s behavior was out of line….what do we actually get that feeds us, if we’re already taking caring of ourselves?

Recently, I asked myself the question, “Do you need this apology?”

I’d received a text from someone who as of late last year, I’d stopped seeing after a very long on/off, “learned a lot about myself” kind of relationship.

The text was followed by a call; the voicemail he left, stated his desire to apologize for being the jackass in my life. (his words)

At first, I was caught off-guard, but then I asked…did I need his apology? What would it do for me? Uh….Nothing.

Not an angry ‘nothing‘….. more of a resolve for myself. I’m okay, I don’t hate him or feel he owes me anything. I’ve taken full responsibility for participating and allowing his behavior to have been a source of discontent…..or so… I thought.

I found myself in the days that followed with ‘scattered moments’ of a long past scene or a situation, playing out in my mind. Times I had forgotten about, and ones, in which, I’d left myself somewhere else. It was good they came up! I understood to a greater degree, where I was emotionally back then, why I’d been there and what kept me emotionally chained to something, which never really delivered…

I didn’t want to give him hell. I have no idea his current intentions. It doesn’t matter, because nothing he’d say has the power to remove what happened between us.

Back then, I’d lived in the land of potential, listening to promises and some kind of crazy hopeful expectations.

And now, I had awareness, understanding… I’d forgiven myself….and him. A long time ago.

Needing to have an apology from someone is secondary, when we take responsibility for our part.

Accountability is a personal thing, we cannot force others to show up how we want or wait for the day, when he or she wakes up and smell the coffee! NO ONE OWES US. And I mean, NO ONE.

Perhaps, in the movies a proclamation and an apology from the leading man to his beloved for his misbehaving seems to be the cure all to the emotional tension in the audience. We NEED that apology!

I’ve witnessed it when I’ve coached couples, one is waiting for that damn apology and the other may have given it a million times or be reticent to give it! If our mate has apologized so many times, what is it we actually want? What is going to fill that space inside that is clearly NOT taken care of with an apology?  Why do we want to remain a victim to the story in our mind, which holds someone we love as the blame?

And if our mate refuses to cop to the responsibility, because of shame, or its a power struggle…what is really going on there?

We’re the ones to resolve our own feelings inside of us. When we wait or fingerpoint, it takes us away from the connection we have to our own power.  Empowerment doesn’t come from an apology; it comes from within.

This doesn’t mean we should allow someone who loves us to treat us badly.

It means we have to take responsibility for being there (remaining there) in the first place. The excuses, the reasons and everything, which placed us in that relationship. When we understand the dance we do with someone else, which in the case of dysfunction, is to make sure, some of our less positive beliefs about ourselves are proven true…we’re then empowered enough to be set free….whether we get an apology or not.

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Ever Belonged On The Island Of Misfit Toys?

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Having heard this reference more than once this week, it got me thinking…

There have been times in the past, I definitely felt I was a resident on the island of misfit something-or-others.

The misfits. Those who ‘feel’ they don’t belong, perhaps they’re different, unique and just don’t conform, to the standards around them.

Misfits create their own standards. Well, once they grow the confidence to not give two shits about what anyone else thinks…and that in reality, there’s really nothing wrong with them. (No more than anyone else)

Freedom expressed or unexpressed is a state of mind.

Personally, I’ve always sucked at conforming, and still do.

It’s not a form of rebellion per se, it’s more of a feeling inside of my body, of my guts being ripped out, when having to pretend to be someone else….okay,  perhaps not so harsh, but faking it to fit in, is something I’m pretty much incapable of doing.

Fitting in for some can be described as suffocating, and provoking extreme anxiety. The idea of capitulating where it doesn’t allow for their individuality is painful and yet, there’s still the desire to know they’re okay. The struggle has more than likely been there since childhood; the ability to accept themselves.

People that subscribe to their being different, change the world….just by being who they are and living the full expression of that self.

When we live that way, we’re no longer in our minds, labeled a misfit; we see our individuality.

None of us have to go out of our way to be unique, it’s those of us who allow our ‘real self’ to show through…who create our lives from that place, rather than hide it, as many do. For some they cannot seem to help it, they were taught there’s a lot of shame in being who they are–so they conform; they fit in…they’re afraid of loss.

Loss of love….validation…identity…finances….comfort…relationships….achievement….and so on.

Misfits questioning the norm or what’s taught to them as a belief of someone else, usually find something inside, which shows them other truths are available; creating their own perception. It releases them to go after what their souls deepest desires are, and as a result, they imbue change and find true personal meaning in their lives.

Not that people who conform don’t find meaning, it’s just a different set of values.

In several instances, misfits may have felt, as though they’ve been on the outside looking in; their point of view is different.

They realize so many societal concepts and perhaps, what works for other people, doesn’t work for them.

The key is in acceptance. Instead of trying to conform or beat themselves up over who they are not, it’s to accept what’s contrary.

Acceptance means we don’t have to fear our uniqueness.

Fear of being judged no longer exists. People will judge no matter what we say or do, so why not be exactly who we are?

For some of us, that’s a major part of the journey, unearthing who we are and what makes us tick. We may have buried our uniqueness decades ago, only to now, feel a deeper sense of unrest within us that is vague and difficult to pinpoint.

Our limitations, because of the fear within, can keep us feeling like a misfit, even if we appear to join in well within our peers and other groups.

Each individual shines a light when they discard the chains of living an identity that doesn’t suit them. In serving the world, if we show up doing what makes us happy, we have more to give. We open up to a whole different perspective, instead of our fearful one that we’ll be all alone if we choose ourselves.