Breaking Through Inadequacy

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We all feel inadequate at times.

Perhaps, we’re in a room full of people who appear to know more in some capacity than we do, or a job interview, or a date with someone we think is out of our league, or being caught making a mistake, and so on.

How we see our perceived shortcomings has an impact on our choices.

For some we shrink and hide, looking for sympathy, perhaps wanting others to commiserate with us. Others may love support, a kick in the butt or something, which gives them the gumption to rise out of the dampening effect inadequacy has and go after the life they want.

In having a real desire, we may find ways to tell ourselves, ‘we can’t have it.’ Especially, if it seems out of the realm of ‘our possibilities.’

We may delay, or disregard our desire, because we don’t feel good enough. It doesn’t matter what we’ve accomplished so far, it applies to all of us, in every walk of life.

Many successful people, aren’t following their deeper appetites. Others, who skim the edges of success, may not find the gumption to rise out of victimizing themselves, every time they fall down and just press ‘repeat.’

Who does it serve to allow our inadequacies to hold us back?

I played small, when it came to the truth of who I am. I could do well at certain types of jobs like sales, marketing and management, but to trust the deeper longing of what I wanted, was hard to entertain.

I lacked clarity around knowing….what was my deeper desire? Why did I feel so inadequate, when I saw my life played out in those brief moments of connecting to that desire?

We tend to do what comes easily to us, whether we love it or not. Many of us fall into careers without any foresight; a job was offered and we took it.

Feeling inadequate, leads to comparing ourselves to others; seeing them as more talented, better looking, excelling at something as we stand, not sure to trust our deepest truth.

I’ve written and edited most of my career for different purposes. Whether it was in school, on the job or helping someone out….I was always complimented on my writing. Always.

And do you know what I did? I blew it off.

I used to compare myself to others who appeared far more talented, and instead of compliments feeding me to do more, it made me hold tighter to feeling inadequate and hide.

It didn’t matter that I felt totally in sync with myself while writing, or that I could actually become giddy at the prospect; this freakin’ inadequacy made me feel small when I wrote….and controlled what I was willing to write about too.

Inadequacy leads to staying stuck in bad relationships, jobs, or other commitments, we’ve outgrown or we said ‘yes’ to out of fear. We can do this our entire lives.

Lately, I’ve been questioning what else hides behind any other perceived inadequacies.

Based on my growing unrest with having coached people in and around relationships; I see my own evolution. From the faintest stirring to the overwhelming pull within me… stay where it’s safe? Or, bust out of feeling completely inadequate, and step up to live out my aspirations?

What happens when we allow our inadequacies to rule?

Regret.

We can keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a miracle or someone else to find us, dust us off and show us the way…

Or…

Screw the inadequacies and live an ass-kickin’ existence!

Who cares if we’re the best or the worst? In the scheme of things, doing what we really crave can make the opinions of others null and void….plus motivated by passion, people and opportunities come along that would’ve missed us, had we chosen to stay stuck hiding behind our shield of inadequacy.

For clarity and to create action, I’m writing a list of all that I deeply crave, but feels impossible and without rules, I’m doing it!

What about you? What are the inadequacies you feel hold you back? And what are you doing about it?

Please share in the comments below.

 

 

 

 

 

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

I Love Me Written inside a Heart Drawn in Sand

Love Yourself, Beautiful Soul

“I open my mind and heart to the miracles of self-love.”

Guest Post By

Michelle Mullady

What does it mean to love yourself? To do kind comforting things for and to yourself? Is it making time to get a massage, having lunch with a dear friend, or buying yourself a new dress? Yes, sometimes. But true self-love is much more profound than that. Cultivating self-love and compassion for yourself means loving and embracing all that you are today ─ your thoughts, feelings, beauty, your age, mistakes, flaws, and imperfections, your power, sense of humor, intelligence, as well as your unique and different way of viewing the world around you.

Deeply loving yourself means not only accepting, but really adoring, each and every part of you, the entire package as a whole, and knowing at your core that you’re valuable, important to the Divine Plan, deserving of great good, and lovable. It means being your best friend when life is going your way, as well as during those challenging and difficult times when it isn’t as you would like it to be. Really loving yourself means that you stand by and up for yourself if that is what you need to do.

For many years I lived with a shielded heart. My patterns of self-hatred began long ago in my abusive childhood. There came a time in my healing journey when I simply could no longer consent to endure my lack of self-love. I had talked about self-love. I read books about the topic and went to workshops. I fed myself daily positive affirmations that I loved myself while looking in a mirror. It sounded good, but it still wasn’t ringing true deep within me. I couldn’t feel the words I was telling myself and my life still wasn’t fully reflecting back to me these new beliefs. I realized then that I had to actually begin practicing the art of self-love. It was time to start loving myself the way I desperately wanted others to love me. This became the next step on my path.

To live in a harmonious way, one where love is given and received in balance, loving yourself isn’t an elective along your journey. It’s a main course in Awakening 101. In order to tune in and listen to the whispers of your heart that let you know where you’re being guided … to be present for your thoughts so you can comprehend what you really believe … to honor and live with an open heart center with full awareness of your oneness with Spirit … you must first put into practice love for yourself.

Have you let yourself down? Do you reject aspects of who you are? Do you hide behind a mask fearful of revealing your authenticity? Let yourself see the truth, feel if that’s correct. Then, do whatever you can to begin to fully learn to experience love for yourself exactly where you’re at right now.

Learn to value how you show up and the way you deal with things. Love your one of a kind way of stretching, expanding and evolving as a spiritual being having a human experience. Love where you’ve been and what you’ve done. Forgive yourself if you made a lot of mistakes during the process of waking up. Even God can’t change your past, but with Divine help you can create a better future. One that is filled with light and love for yourself and others.

Love your present moments. Love how you look, what you think and feel. Love every detail of the body temple you chose for this lifetime’s adventures. Love the break lines in your heart and the radiance that flows forth from the river of wisdom that came to be because of the history around those cracks. Love your errors, and love all the good that you’ve delivered to the world. Love it all, beautiful soul. Love all of your sweet self.

Begin your day with this simple prayer for Divine Love:

Sit in your sacred space, focus gently upon your breathing. Breathing in and out fully and deeply several times to bring about a state of tranquility within your mind and body. Then, surround and protect yourself with the magical pink light of the universe. Place your hands across your heart center and begin to feel the energy held within. Visualize this radiant rose-colored love filling up your entire being as you recite this blessing.

Dear God and Beloved Angels,

May love enter my life and fill my heart and soul. May the magic of love continually inspire me to radiate warmth and caring to myself and all those who touch my life.

Amen.

Gracefully,

Michelle Mullady

Copyright Michelle Mullady 2015

Bio:

MICHELLE MULLADY is a Joyful Living Mentor, International Best-Selling Author, Master Energy Intuitive, Michelle photoSpiritual Guide, and Transformational Healing Workshop Leader who specializes in helping adults and adolescents to create healthy and fulfilling lives through life coaching, intuitive direction, angelic communication, breathwork, simple guided meditation practices, affirmations, prayer, and energy work.

Working with the unconditional love and light of the Creator and the angels, Michelle can support you to enhance every area of your life — relationships, health, finances, intimacy, career, and spiritual growth — all while living one day at a time in a busy world. To learn more, visit, MichelleMullady.com or call 210-501-9582.

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Pleasure While Breaking Up

Most of us fear break ups. We’ll do almost anything we can to avoid them, *oh the pain* until we grasp our emotional resilience to handle it.

Many of us stay in half-baked relationships.

Selling ourselves on ‘its good enough,’ numbing out, not getting our needs met or saying ‘yes’ to things, which make us feel horrible about ourselves, what do we actually think is going to change here?

We’ll wake up one day and magically everything will work to our liking?

We need to change, IF we ever want to experience the best in life. This involves risk and knowing something else suits us better. Stepping away from filling our time with worry, hope, and desperation, instead we move into pleasure.

By changing, we don’t transform into someone else! We become who we truly are, dropping the excuses, dismissing the chatter of others’ voices and begin LOVING ourselves.

Exiting a relationship with pleasure translates into bringing more pleasure into our lives.

Let’s take my client Anna who was having a relationship with a guy she thought was fabulous!

When they met, they bonded among other things, over their similar loneliness. I told her it wasn’t the best place to start, as I listened, it was quite clear; he was a victim. Everything was always someone else’s responsibility, even his own actions.

He was not at cause for anything happening in his life.

For awhile, Anna didn’t notice this so much (even when I pointed it out), because he was busy rescuing her. As long as being a rescuer/victim worked for them both, there wasn’t a problem. As many who know the drama triangle, it requires three positions…victim, rescuer and persecutor,  living our relationships on that triangle, we switch positions, unconsciously.

About a year into it, Anna noticed him slipping away.

He made excuses, saying it wasn’t her, it was the overwhelm of everything in his life.

There were excuses, as though she caused his overwhelm. Everything he volunteered to rescue, became a burden… he got angry, seeing her as needy and incapable of making appropriate decisions in her own life……though, her perceived helplessness only existed in his mind.

At one point, he was very demeaning to her, even though she was extremely upset, she was done.

He never took responsibility for his choice in his treatment of her. He saw her causing him to be derogatory toward her. She, however, saw the trajectory and knew if it happened once, it’ll happen again.

In his eyes, she became the persecutor and he was the victim, waiting for her to rescue him by taking full responsibility for how she caused him to be angry with her.

Anna could observe the situation without feeling victimized. She felt strong and more in love with herself. Even though she was sad at the prospect of ending the relationship, she knew she didn’t deserve it. She knew she deserved pleasure….and lots of it!

As she started to take one tiny step at a time, she took back her power. Meaning, she said ‘yes’ when she meant it and ‘no’ when she meant it too. She engaged in a manner, which respected them both. She allowed herself to flip flop a bit, so she could emotionally let go without overwhelming anxiety, and make sure she learned her WHY. Her desire was clarity about her part. Her bigger desire was to end this in a loving, kind and respectful manner without anger.

Pleasure became of the utmost importance. She gave to herself more and more. Fun wasn’t to escape the situation, it was something she could fully jump into and exploit the pleasure of pleasing herself.

No more suffering, or punishing herself or depression. It was an opportunity to empower herself and OWN her choices. The more she fed pleasure to herself, the more she glowed, even in sad moments….she realized she was going to move onto bigger and better things.

The act of fun, pleasure and empowerment made her realize all that was previously impossible, was becoming possible. As she let go of holding onto to what didn’t serve her emotionally, her world expanded.

Choice is always available when it comes to a perspective of our lives.

We can convince ourselves we must stay here and suffer, that someday pleasure can shine in our lives…..but, it never comes, until we decide no matter what’s going on to GIVE TO OURSELVES what we desire.

The exact measure of our resistance to pleasure is the exact amount of the gain. When we resist ending a relationship or feel it must go down in flames to exit, it’s quite obvious that in equal part pleasure awaits us when we finally say ‘yes’ to ourselves.

 

The Pleasure Principle.

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Heavily invested in working through our flaws, our issues and anything we deem an obstacle to happiness, love and success?

Often we forget to explore pleasure as we commit to this deep work.

We can’t help, but remind ourselves of what is wrong with our lives.

Perhaps, we believe we made tremendous errors to get here, so we beat ourselves up for being stuck. It makes us crazy! We can’t stand being where we don’t want to be, and so we overdo certain activities (sleeping, eating, drinking, etc) to blot out our displeasure.

A hint of pleasure might be present, as we embark on trying to forget the misery, or the helpless feeling of being stuck, but that pleasure dissipates, as we overdo covering it up.

Expectations, can be out of whack, especially when it’s to do with our lack of worth. It’s depressing to prove ourselves through overwhelming demands, before we can be kind to ourselves.

Accomplishing those expectations never feels like we thought it would. We’re still in a state of lack. If we’re depleted, nothing outside of us can fuel the tank, we have to do it. And the best way is through allowing pleasure. 

We have to get clear first–move past our own resistance, on what actually is pleasurable and not an escape from reality.

It’s bullshit to say we cannot experience pleasure til the hard work is complete.

We have to believe we deserve it!

If we’re on a diet, we may spoil ourselves with a new piece of clothing or a favorite food once we hit a goal, but we make ourselves wait for that joy. Why wouldn’t we treat ourselves kindly along the way, giving into pleasure, letting pleasure lead us rather than pain?

Some of us pretend to experience pleasure, we show the world, we’re all about it, but inside…..that’s a different story! We’re wrapped tight, watching our every move, because the minute we screw up, we fear the criticism of others, and most of all the inner critic within us.

Anything, in which we hold pleasure back, as though we don’t deserve it yet, is a disservice to our heart, mind and soul.

The pleasure principle is to be open to the unexpected, the abundant, because it will surely come when we give pleasure to ourselves every day!

Whatever we focus on we attract. When we take pleasure in life, big or small, we’re magnetizing more of it to our lives. Focus on fear, and what we don’t want, and SURPRISE… it shows up sooner or later.

What we learn through pleasure matters and stays with us.

What if we were to accept everything in our life as good? In spite of the things, which drive us crazy or that keep us awake at night? We have a choice in how we want to feel, even when we don’t have a choice of circumstances.

If we accept every little irritating circumstance, just as it is–which means we don’t have to love it, but stop fighting it and say ‘okay’ this is how it is right now, what does that feel like? As though a weight has lifted?

When we focus on what is truly good and working in our lives, by not taking it for granted, and giving it our attention, we allow it to expand.

Just by this simple exercise, we create space for pleasure. Is it that easy? Not really, because we have to retrain our brains to get off the punishment and pain plan.

1. Write down a list of pleasurable things you can give to yourself.

2. Do one of those items (if not more) daily.

3. Accept your life as good. Even the things you want to change.

4. Find people to support the pleasure principle.

5. When you start punishing yourself, break up the crappy mantra in your mind, by DOING something, which gives you pleasure. (this is hard to do when you’re used to beating yourself up–it feels counter-intuitive–but do it anyway)

6. Start to expect more good everywhere you go, no matter where it is you go…..create pleasure.

7. Say YES to life, even if you feel you don’t deserve it.

The more you say YES to the good, the pleasurable juiciness in life, the more you will have of it! It also helps your perspective when unfortunate circumstances arise, nothing is as bad as it used to be when you were in a constant state of hard work with little reward.

Three Life Choices

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If you don’t like where you are, what can you do?

Join the circus? That’s a novel idea. It’d work if you have a special talent or want to learn how to be blasted like a cannonball through the air.

More or less, the common answer is to change, to do something, that would be different. And in reality-land, how often do people who are unhappy do this?

Most people don’t understand the source of their unhappiness. They’re just aware they don’t like how things are, and can’t accept it.

For things to actually change though, we have to accept ‘what is.’ By accepting it, we’re not in resistance to it and can therefore focus on what the real motivation (belief) is when we look at our unhappiness.

In gaining clarity….we can do one of three things when it comes to change.

The first is to stay in a state of resistance to change, then take flight and repeat.

Fear is the motivation for staying stuck and suffering. We may stay stuck until the pain of where we are is more than the fear of the unknown.

We let go of the outcome; we aren’t caring if our carefully constructed identity is destroyed or if rumors are true of our unrest. We just can’t stand it anymore. We need change. Now. Sometimes this lasts….other times we go running back to the safety of the ‘known’ even if it sucks.

Lack in trusting ourselves or the unknown, we seek the familiar.

We can do this our entire lives. Staying in resistance.

If we don’t go running back, we must stay connected to ourselves, experiencing change as it happens, becoming emotionally present, setting our sails completely, in a new direction.

There’s no magic symbol outside of us; we must risk and move out of our norm to have what we want…..or we’ll always get the same results.

The second choice is to incrementally take action.

We take action, piece by piece and hold our ground for that truth—it’s uncomfortable (it should be or nothing really changes) as we break a pattern.

Our pattern before taking action may be to say or desire things to be different, but the courage (strength of heart) is blocked by ‘what if’ I am wrong, ‘what if’ I destroy everything and ‘what if’ the sky falls….all is resistance. We may believe we deserve the shitty situation we’re in, until someone finally grants us the ‘approval’ to move forth. It’s a long wait, perhaps a lifetime.

Setting boundaries is taking action.

Set one at a time to break up the patterns, instead of waiting for #1 to occur. Clarity on what’s important, which we’re currently NOT standing for in our lives and then live into that boundary. Make it real. Want respect? Respect ourselves first.

Take action through the resistance. Don’t resist resistance, allow it to be, acknowledge it and move through it by focusing on the goal. Small goals and one boundary at a time empower us to make more changes. Leading to #3.

Third, Continuous action.

Say yes when we mean it, no when we mean it.

Don’t prove anything to anyone…become free.

Stop blaming others. Stop blaming ourselves

Get out of the box.

Think of taking self-inspired (desired emotion) action as helping everyone.

In staying stuck, everything is a holding pattern, including other people. They’re stuck with us right where we are….until someone has courage.

Start taking action (big or small-consistency matters) as a benefit to ourselves and others—KEEP IT GOING. Continuously doing what our heart desires— sitting with the urge to return to the status quo, the comfort zone….the longer we sit (not resist) with the urge and view it realistically…the farther we get from comfort and the more solid our NEW beliefs become, our neuropathways in our brain will start to rewire themselves through continuous inspired action. It becomes the new norm.

A Perfect Life

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What is a perfect life?

Usually the definition we give to someone else. A life we observe and think, ‘wow’ they have it all!

Many of us may not compare out of jealousy or envy, we may be looking to someone as an image of a goal that we want too. Or, we can use the comparison to beat ourselves up with and constantly feel less deserving.

We may even feel like we’re a complete and total failure when we look at someone who we think has it more together, got lucky or seems to live a charmed existence.

The perfect life only has validity as allowing our imperfections (and life’s curveballs) to co-exist with what we deem good enough. It’s to accept the whole as is and see the beauty.

Once we accept things as they are, right now, we can then look at what we want to create from there (otherwise the focus is on what isn’t working) and live into that goal.

For a reality check, into what we deem ‘perfect’ is usually far off the mark. We know this is true, every time a new story about a public figure with their carefully constructed image, has been turned on its head.

For many of us, we can look in our own neighborhoods, Facebook, the office or anywhere in the world for carefully constructed images that are really less than true.

Living a life of a carefully designed image is actually one of quiet desperation.

It takes a lot of energy to pretend and there is the constant pursuit for what will fill the void, which in turn creates a wider gap from who the person really is, and who they display themselves to be.

And sometimes these same people may confess the partial truth or something, which makes them seem more attainable to connect with, only to have them quickly withdraw back into their carefully cultivated images.

Often the people we idealize, who we think live a perfect Facebook post life (I heard this somewhere and thought it was pretty funny) are often not really living what they post 24/7. They have their own crap too.

Everyone has crap, it’s been said and yet what is it that makes us think someone else’s crap is less toxic than our own?

Perhaps, someone is more successful than us in certain parts of their lives (or it just looks more successful). Realistically, there’s something to be said for luck, timing, and being in the right place at the right time. Not that it’s the entire picture, because to achieve luck, we have to be ‘open’ to opportunities, which might be a risk.

A risk in getting out of our comfort zone.

Something, which may look unfamiliar and not like a true opportunity, could be the game changer for us. And yet, some of us will keep right on playing it safe, stuck in the discomfort of what we already know.

Fear is a fucker.

People with carefully constructed images live in a lot of fear too. We all experience it, because we’re human, the difference is to live a perfect life we must be authentically who we are…living our truth.

Authenticity leads us to wholeness, which in turn creates a perfect life, not an idealized version or everything we touch turns to gold, but one we can just own and love it!

A perfect life has nothing to do with what we own or what we present to the world.

A perfect life may include the following:

1. Acceptance and forgiveness: Really accepting all of our mistakes; decisions we made from fear or lack and everything that never worked out and then forgiving it.

2. Love: Once we do number 1, number 2 is easier…we see the flaws in others and love them for it too. The more love we have for ourselves, the more compassion we have for the world.

3. Honesty: First figure out what you deny, push away or don’t want to admit to yourself….and then live that truth. Hardest on this list to do for some of us.

4. Fun: Daily.

5. Doing what you love everyday, even if it is for 10 minutes. It keeps us connected to our internal joy.

6. Making happiness our own responsibility: It is not the validation of others, which leads to a perfect life…if anything this will keep us settling for the small and perhaps, bread crumbs we’ve learned to survive on regularly. It’s to create the boundaries, which matter and we live to them first. Deciding our YES and our NO based on our desires, not pleasing someone at our expense–so they give us back something (or owe us); it gives clarity.

7. Let go. Whatever you beat yourself up with or hold hostage….release it. Get rid of the image of perfection as an idealized life.

Whatever we resist persists, so as long as we stand against something it will continue to be the issue and hold our focus. A perfect life is to be completely in love with it all, no matter where we currently stand.

Want Real Love? Get Out of Your Own Way.

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All of our issues begin and end with ourselves.

Many of us want to place our entire focus on the other person, what they do right or wrong. Whether it’s a first date or a long term relationship, we believe if the other person would just stop or start to do something, all problems will be solved.

It reminds me of every time a new law is made, people think they have solved all the issues, but new ones crop up, almost immediately.

Love has absolutely nothing to do with someone acting in accordance with our idea of who they should be.

The human condition is not consistent. Life is inconsistent, so when looking outside of oneself for the responsibility in how things are we become powerless.

If we want real love, it’s been said several times, we must be love. Hard to do 24/7, but if we can practice it just a bit, we will create different relationship dynamics.

If we enter a relationship lacking self-awareness, thinking it’s the outside world, or the person rescuing us as our prince or princess charming, then eventually….we’ll blame them for all that doesn’t work. We may even delude ourselves into thinking all is okay when our communication with the other is not truthful.

Keeping up a pretense is never the road to love.

If we come out of a relationship blaming the other person for their ineptitude in some capacity, for its downfall, we need to take a deep look within and ask where we did NOT speak our truth, ACT in our truth or made CHOICES against our truth. If we do not do this, we will bring the past forward and have more relationships lacking love.

If we don’t have boundaries, which respect us first….our mate will not respect us.

Expectations, in which someone must  fulfill us will lead to disappointment. No one can reach inside of us and heal our pain. Only we can and it’s our perception, which keeps us there. Love doesn’t mean fixing someone else; it’s impossible.

If we’re treated in a way we don’t like, it’s our responsibility if we choose to remain in that ‘position’……

Meaning….

By taking no action or staying silent (waiting for someone to get it or playing the martyr–so there’s ammunition to beat him or her up with) then where’s the love?” It’s a game of victimhood.

In speaking our truth about how we wish to be treated (this is NOT a demand), we MUST treat ourselves in this respectful manner.

Let’s say our mate is always late, do we derive some pleasure out of it, because we know we can use it against them or guilt them into acting a certain way toward us? While also stewing on the frustration of waiting or the anger/hurt of feeling our time not valued? All of this is about ourselves THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.

We aren’t respecting or taking care of ourselves by playing victim, love is nowhere in sight and inevitably when we play victim/martyr, they will further disrespect us.

Some may argue to take any action means we’re trying to teach this person a lesson. Not true.

In speaking our truth, about him/her being late, while setting clear boundaries, “I will only wait 15 minutes, because I have to take care of myself and I don’t want to be angry,” and following those spoken words with action…we may feel odd at first–perhaps guilty, but we’ll end up feeling good, because we got out of our way, regardless of what the other person chooses to do. When our actions don’t punish the other person, because our happiness is the focus (not them), it will eventually lead to a choice point.

The choice point means, if the treatment we receive isn’t to our liking and we’re taking care of ourselves, we decide if we want to remain. This is not a reaction or a lesson to the other person, it’s deciding we want to have someone treat us, as well as we treat ourselves.

We cannot coerce someone to do our bidding, nor can any guilt trip continuously control the other person. They’ll fall off the wagon, if they’re just pleasing us to stop our complaining, or keep us around…..and then we’re stuck in the vicious cycle.

It’s always about ourselves, our happiness is our concern….and if we’re paying attention to self-love by setting boundaries, being clear about our actions and words, so they match our truth, then we’ll find our focus is not on changing the other person to suit us. It’s about loving ourselves and them, rather than manipulation and anger, whether we remain or go. And with that love, we make better choices.