I’m Not Her.

ghost-345716_1280I’m not her anymore.

As authentic as I always figured I was, and even more so now, the clarity I have achieved has not come easily.

There are things I don’t want to admit, yet I do end up coming clean¬†and if you listen to my podcast you’ve probably heard everything besides what brand of toilet paper I use.

I’m not her, I’m not the woman or the girl that I used to think I was. I’m nothing like her now.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just a thing.

As someone who has spent most of her life as an avoidant, it’s really interesting to move away from what I used to be.¬†I struggle at times with the old tendency to isolate rather than¬†going both feet into my¬†social life and dating. I do date, but it comes in waves and the men I date are¬†different than men in the past. And I am different too.

I’m more me. I’ve been tempted to wear pajamas and slippers out on a date. LOL. I’ve gotten that comfortable with myself. Although (lucky for my dates) I prefer¬†getting dressed and looking how I want to look.

I’m no longer someone¬†who is willing to put forth so much effort. I’ve done it and it’s¬†painful. I was at yoga recently with a friend of mine and midway through I had a meltdown. Not a bad meltdown. It was a good one.

I felt as though I was looking down on myself as I was on the floor, in a pose. I felt compassion for for all the hard work and effort that person on the floor had put into trying to be accepted and loved. Then realizing what a total waste it had been.

Not because of other people, but because I never had to do it in the first place; I just didn’t know it at the time.¬†I didn’t know my life would work so much better just being me, open to receiving and creating. Not that my life is perfect. Nope it’s not.¬†But I don’t really put that¬†energy out there anymore; that effort into pleasing and being “perfect”. And if I start to, I catch myself, because I’m not her anymore.

Now I am working on not being alone. I realize a big part of me has been since I was a little kid. Out of all the things I’ve overcome and my belief system, this has been the hardest thing in the world.¬†Call it independence or call it being really protective and not trusting myself. I trust myself more than I used to, but clearly if I’m still alone, I must not be all the way there.

I’m not sure. All I¬†know is that I don’t need to keep fighting or force things or make demands.¬†I have surrendered. I’m not her anymore.

I like myself. Actually, I love myself a whole hell of a lot more than I used to when I was her. 

And as I write this I just wonder… where did I get the idea that being unhappy was my destiny by trying to be what I thought was acceptable? I didn’t, she did.

I’m not her anymore.