The Secret We All Share…

secret+telling+2+people+luke+blur

Human beings. We are a funny bunch.

Many of us tend to focus on what makes us different. Not all of us, but when we get pissed or someone believes something contradictory to us or drives their car how we don’t like it….or makes decisions we would never make, we focus on the differences.

We share that as human beings. Is it the secret? No.

We’ve lost a lot of artists in 2016. The latest being Prince. It didn’t really hit me til later, as I remembered my early adult years coming out of high school, as his songs were the theme to my relationships. Prince, 1999 and later Purple Rain. It was an emotional connection. Leading me deeper to include the part of myself who was freer, wilder, daring and edgy, (having Scorpio rising like him and the love of purple was relatable too) especially with his earlier songs. In those years, I’d drive along listening to Head and Sister.

Though to all appearances I probably appeared pretty straight-laced–wrapped tightly.

My point in sharing here isn’t my grief, the connection to his music or the re-living of those times in the past few days, it is that many of us hide out. We hide from ourselves first and the rest of the world secondly. We all share insecurities. We share weirdness, provocations and the fear of accepting those parts of ourselves others may deem unsavory.

Creativity, namely music and even the expression of any art form elicits what is hidden.

Is it the secret? No, I am getting there.

To continue, I thank artists who live on the edge of that space, because deep inside we all do have an edge, for most a hidden edge. When you hear your favorite song, or one you’ve attached meaning to about an emotional situation how do you actually feel? Vulnerable? Or at others times, tough, sensual, sexual, happy and like dancing your ass off? It creates an emotional connection with yourself. Just like a sad song relating to a break up, or how you feel so alone inside or alienated, it can dig it up and bring it to the surface.

As a fan of all sorts of music on loneliness and alienation, from Grunge to the Church, Echo and The Bunnymen….to the 60’s, 70’s and other genres of music–it used to pull up those murky parts of myself that I wanted to hide….and let me feel myself.

The perfect picture many of us carry on the outside rarely relates to what is going on inside. The CEOs and semi-celebs I’ve worked with are never what they appear to be on the outside, even the most creative ones. Truly! Most are used to being someone else too. Real happiness is not found in hiding the other parts…the ones we tuck away in fear of being found out, doing it wrong or having to explain.

Always for me, I never fit in and in many instances I still don’t (but where I do is magical–any more scorpio rising peeps who love the color purple?)….and it’s okay now. Not fitting in isn’t the fault of others, I believe it is a failure to embrace our own quirks. When trying to be somebody else and fit in, it’s impossible to be fulfilled. We will always feel ill at ease. You and I have our own tribes and the only way to attract those people is to be YOU. If you’re always stuck in pretense, all you will attract are pretentious relationships.

Think about it. Like attracts like.

Is it the secret? Almost.

A step toward the secret we all share is as long as I’m connected to me, I feel free. Freedom is what we all desire, in some capacity. Some of us are waiting for something again, outside of us, to set us free.

As you see there are many things we have in common with one another. Including, the deeper desire to share, to be open and embrace who we really are, to express that freedom, love, happiness and inner peace. We have more in common than less. Really we do.

Let’s take those words and bundle them up into a meaningful place inside of us. The true living of such words is a paradox, because of what may matter more to us.

The secret: We all want to belong.

We all want to be connected.

We all want to be our weird ass selves (yes everyone is weird) and be accepted. We all want to come as we are and no matter what (perhaps only in the privacy of our car, shower, bedroom or the company of strangers) be voicing it from the bottom of our lungs.

And back to the artists, does it mean they live in this way, being who they truly are? They’re like the rest of us, some would say yes, others would say no. (They may have a persona to live into that they created)

It is again what they create in their art, it’s an avenue for us to experience ourselves. And it may be the only time we do experience a part of true selves. Listening to those songs, which take us somewhere else deep inside.

Many of us need outside permission to live in full expression of what lies deep inside of us, and many of us deny what is in those depths, because we want to belong so badly. We want to appear to have it all, (we need the validation, attention and admiration) but I am here to tell you….under the skin of every person who appears to have it all perfectly built is a contradiction.

It’s what makes us lonely, feel disconnected and as though the emptiness inside cannot be permanently filled up. For some it is to keep so busy there’s no connection, just go-go-go and for others it is to be immobilized, also afraid to step into who they really are…it’s where we differ.

We distance, even when we look like we’re belonging. We create drama and strife, because it’s easier than the possible rejection for what truly lives in each of us. It is really through our own creativity that we are re-born.

It is when we say yes to ourselves that it becomes ok. And it means accepting the things we do against ourselves (and others), the ways we do hide out, stand with a huge wall, hurry and get pissed off. It means we embrace ourselves in the messes we create and take responsibility.

Oh yeah, to belong may be a physiological wiring, but we have 1000s of ways we do not take responsibility for the reasons we need to show up in a certain way with particular people. We look emotionally from afar, as though they may have the key to our finally feeling we’ve arrived; if only we can belong and again, we feel the unrest. Looks good on the outside, but sucks on the inside.

I was at a dinner party and someone asked what I do, we had a short conversation where I stated a few things I do, including learning to take responsibility without blaming others. He said, “Don’t we all do that?” And I said those of us who want to remain powerless to change our lives and be happy, yes; we stay victims.

In wanting to belong to a tribe, we may not even know why. We may have picked up those are the cool kids over there and I want to belong. Or we may rebel and say screw the cool kids, I am going to hang with the outsiders. Our group may be tied together in our unhappiness at not living a fully expressed, creative life. We cannot imagine what would become of us if we really sought out those we do belong with, that unknown can keep us dangling our entire lives.

What can you do? What are you willing to risk? How creative do you want to get? How free, happy and at peace do you want to be? You have to look deeper to understand your reasons for where you belong and why, you have to get to your beliefs around self-worth.

Every time I write or share it is a risk for me. Yeah, I am intensely private (believe it or not) and a lot of what I did in my younger years was not about love. It was about winning, appearances and self-inflicted pain. I didn’t know any better, most of us don’t.

Who was I? At the time I had no idea, just a bundle of anxiety, unease, analyzation and intellectual hubris….of course covered with a sense of humor, over-doing, over-giving and trying to be the best.

Some think walls are a great idea, and people have to earn something from us that we’re not even willing to give to ourselves. We also think we need to show up a certain way, so we don’t lose the people around us….because we’re afraid who we really are is nothing.

Ugh, right? The judge that lives in and outside of us telling us our worth, setting the stage for who we are and for many it’s based off someone else’s rules for life. We may want to belong ‘somewhere’ so badly….we create castles in the sky. Nothing real just the appearance of it. If we’re cast out, do we vow to instead be more of who we are or more of who we think other people want?

Finding your creativity may not make you into a world famous artist, but it can open you up to the truth of your spirit. It can help you navigate the lonely waters as you sail toward your tribe. It will free you, release you and allow you to touch on inner peace, love and happiness.

Artists when performing and being in that creative state, touch that part of themselves, even if it is only for the moments they perform. I had a client who had a profession she had not chosen, other than it would satisfy her parents. She was really an artist; truly talented. as an exercise she had to visit an art store and purchase a medium which spoke to her, and create something, take a picture and send it to me.

She did…and it was amazing. Even more amazing was how she felt during the time she was creating it, it opened her up to herself and her joy. If she was to continue to do this on a daily basis, she would touch on the hidden parts of herself, letting them surface, perhaps even accepting them. It could set be the start in setting herself free!

Being who you are and belonging is truly an inner journey first. The one into self-acceptance of all the parts you’ve hidden, buried deeply and pretended are non-existent. Being who you are is not a human-made perfection, it is a spiritual perfection.

Tool For Self-Love

photo-1451337516015-6b6e9a44a8a3

I created a meditation on self love, you can find it here on YouTube

Self-love is a topic most of us do not understand, we associate it with activities rather than understanding how to feel into it. Our feelings appear to fall behind our intellect when we place rules of engagement with life in front of them.

We have strategies for living and sometimes they mimic self-love, but in the end we tend to shortchange ourselves on what we actually deserve. We deserve so much more love than many of us were impressed upon to believe and therefore our value is up for grabs.

We place the value on achievements, validation and living with the rules in our heads. Our hearts can end up buried under all this luggage.

If you have about 18 minutes (that’s how long the meditation is), please listen in and start feeling into “making” space to let love inside. Enjoy! ❤

Turning Fifty, is the New 30 and Other Fallacies

cucamonga

I wasn’t going to write this piece, but since I am hellbent on more authenticity in my life, here goes.

I am turning 50 in 13 days. EEEEEK!

Well it was more of a “Holy Crap” for the past 6 months with an “Oh well–I am alive and I am grateful” sort of statement mixed in there….and a little Hell yeah M.F**kers!

The past few months have included an “accelerated version” of the past almost 50 years in terms of change, love, crisis, and realizations.

I decided to write a list.

A personal list.

If you can relate…cool…and if not, that’s cool too.

What 50 Actually Means To Me (truly what any age can mean)

1. Comparison to others brings no joy. Don’t steal your own joy–love who you are fully. Yeah baby!

2. Giving two shits about pleasing others, so they are happy and you are miserable is a waste of time. Totally.

I realized when my dad had a heart attack last month (and now has congestive heart failure), and my mother acted in such an overly dramatic way without me even seeing her (I hadn’t spoken to them since May, because I was really spending time with myself trying to figure out how to have a relationship with them that wouldn’t have to do with me throwing away my own feelings in favor of my mother’s feelings) that it confirmed a HUGE cycle in my life.

It always came to a dramatic crisis with her, no matter how I tried or didn’t, always, always…she would be the victim (or the martyr and I would be the perpetrator) and my dad would always stand for her inappropriate behavior–and criticize me.

I realized after all these years, it had little to do with me and my trying to do anything to change HER cycle.  I allowed it to be at the root of so much shit, which I in turn spent years beating myself up about…that in the end all I could be is who I am.

So, if you can stop kicking yourself, you can change your life.

3. Being in the present moment–connected to yourself–not pulled by what is going on around you is the most awesome place to live!

Even better–having crisis around you, slowing it down emotionally and checking in with yourself to ask how you want to feel. Then following that confirmation with action.

4. Blaming others and the world is truly an excuse for whatever you don’t want responsibility for…

Even though there was a HUGE amount of drama last month, I looked at it objectively–I didn’t personalize it, even though a lot of it was thrown at me. Again, I asked how I could show up for me authentically and with that, I felt good. And honey, that is what matters!

4. Assuming, personalizing, talking shit, and being an asshole for no reason–DO NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY—EVER.

5. Change is not just taking yoga, meditating, going on walks or getting a massage (they feel good and I love all those things)…

It’s about moving through the inertia, the stuff that says NO when a voice inside wants it to be YES…its about creating an emotional experience that is more than likely counter-intuitive and will shake your shit up a bit! Or a lot!

6. It’s a choice to stay stuck in a painful relationship.

I have heard every reason and excuse known to mankind, from who will mow the lawn to I’m afraid to be alone. If you’re stuck its not about the other person–it’s you. Get awareness on YOUR why, look into your beliefs and why you need the validation from this source and start to do #5.

7. Life isn’t perfect and no one else is either.

I mentor people for a living, so being authentic is truly important, right?

I had a shitty day and another shitty day, this week and it’s only Wednesday, LOL! By saying it, it doesn’t mean I wallow in it or color the whole day ugly and sign off from living.

Instead, I try to see if there’s a theme…then I can take action to change it if I WANT. And if it’s random, then I accept it as such…no one has a charmed life–I’m not perfect. You still have to wake up with yourself everyday…and some days are easier–so be kind to your imperfect self..and all the other imperfect peeps out there.

8. You get to choose if you engage with others or not.

I’m one of those people that is approachable–it’s not unusual for me to learn someone’s life story on an airplane…or even a bar. 🙂 BUT, it’s my choice. Just because people want to talk about themselves or even throw their crap all over you, doesn’t mean you have to take it…you can again ask yourself what you are available for and stand by it. It’s easier than you think.

9. It’s okay if people leave your life. And you can still love them.

10. Talk to strangers, it’s fun! Smile at people–it connects you.

11. Always break out of your comfort zone, especially as you get older.

12. Abundance is a state of living and so is scarcity–living in fear of the WHAT IFS or HOLDING ON TIGHT is a waste of time.

13. So what….if something doesn’t happen, perhaps a better outcome is headed your way. Being unattached to an outcome, means there’s opportunity for all sorts of good stuff.

14. Hard times are temporary.

Unless you like it that way–then being a victim is where you’ll stay. Until you take self-responsibility for your life–hard times will remain. When you start seeing how you show up, based on what you believe about yourself and the world, then you can move out of this small, small, place you live and take control of your emotions…thereby making HAPPIER different choices for YOU.

15. Controlling others and the outside is a waste of energy, because it doesn’t work anyway.

Remember life is short…30 seems like yesterday and so does 18, which means if they flew by at lightening speed–I better live the heck out of this life to get the full experience!

And nope, I wouldn’t want to be 30 at 50, I am a much kinder, gentler, more abundant and peaceful…completely happier soul now than I ever was in my younger days.

blog-signature1

Forgiveness is an 11 letter word.

Self-forgiveness is an even longer word and for most of us, it takes us  much longer to do. We give our power away daily.

We don’t think we do, but every time we’re disappointed or angry..we have given our power to something outside of us. Whether it is a stranger in a passing car or a job promotion…or a more intimate relationship, whenever we experience those emotions in a situation, where we feel disempowered or have to wait….we’re far from the road.

The road is not really to stop and wait, it is to instead, keep going. When we find we have given our power away, we spend time beating ourselves up.

We get so caught up in the drama of the circumstances, reviewing it over and over in our head…and what conclusion do we draw? Blame.

We blame ourselves and others for what has happened. We think we made a bad decision or that someone else did.

In self-forgiveness it is to remember that we cannot predict how a decision will turn out, we have no control of anyone or circumstances outside of us to bring us exactly what we want, when we want most of the time. So can we go easier on ourselves? Doesn’t it feel better? And when we don’t think of something as a disappointment that encompasses total failure…don’t we keep going in the direction of our dreams?

 

Shame On Me; Shame On You.

Shame just sucks.

It can keep us playing small indefinitely.

We may be loving our NEW choice and then we’re reminded of how we aren’t good enough, failed or have not lived up to some self-imposed expectation. We then may stop doing what we have decided to do…and instead retreat back to the safety of what is known.

If we really want to live, we must take risks…and we must try again, and sometimes what has failed in the past must be re-visited and taken on again.

Shame can deter us, take our confidence and make us search out the opinions’ of others who will reinforce the shame. They may want to keep us safe or fear we may not need them anymore or because they themselves would be too fearful to go in the direction we are headed; they may push our SHAME buttons.

The key is to hear the voice, understand why it is pushing us to stop, hide or ditch our efforts. When we know the reason, we can clearly see that shame is of the past, not the present. Each day is a brand new slate to begin, so we can choose what we’re going to do … even if shame is beating us down. 🙂

Watch my video that goes into shame and what you can do to stop it.

You are Never Your Emotions

6dfadd53f382bf05b09d013a2c01a18f

Sometimes it seems impossible to shake a feeling. Perhaps, it’s a feeling of dread or something missing, which makes us feel off-balance or slightly funky. We may look outside of us for the answer.

The answer is actually within us, which should be a relief. Either our emotional state is giving us a hint or a feeling needs to be released.

I used to get hooked into an emotion. Why was I feeling what I was feeling? Who or what was causing it? It was sort of like a ticking time bomb, one I kept thinking would create an explosion. If I gave power to it, it did….and usually, I would take someone else down with it too.

If I was having a relationship or had someone in my life and felt funk-a-delic, I would think it was something about them…instead of, MY feelings about them. I may have a feeling I was attaching to this person from something very old inside of me…an old belief. I was looking at the person as the trigger and wanting them to take the funk away.

It doesn’t work that way. People can temporarily take away our funkiness, but they can’t resolve it for us. If we choose to see emotions as a passing wave through us, we can allow them to not be labeled as a truth or something with meaning. We can understand that it’s just an experience with a beginning and an end.

If we become fearful of the experience of our own emotions, we will create more stories to be stuck in and more than likely create an undesired outcome somewhere in our lives. It really is about us and not other people.

If we look at our emotional state, as a sign of something not at peace within us and giving us a hint that perhaps our actions, thoughts and goals are not in alignment, we may discover within us a key. The key may open the door to vulnerability, to something we have been keeping behind an energetic wall, instead of being at one with our truth.

I know when I start to feel separate, angry or needy…I want answers. I know that there is something I am doing, which is not serving me and therefore, it is up to me and not someone else to open up in me. I must be willing to face what I am hiding and give myself the gift of changing direction, perception or understanding.

I know my emotions don’t own me, they don’t dictate my life….they sometimes serve as a reminder of where I used to be and where I am now. I no longer fight against them to not feel a certain way, I just let em’ flow….and whether they give me an answer or dissipate, it no longer means I am my emotions, my thoughts or anything, which can change in the blink of an eye.

If you want to feel freedom from an emotional lockdown, get out of hiding and let your feelings flow…if there is something in the flow, which is eye-catching or heart stopping open to it and see what it has to tell you. At that point, you have a choice and choice gives us freedom, so get out of the emotional prison and start living….freely, vulnerably and happily. (Yes, happiness comes from allowing the emotions to flow and not holding them in a box) 🙂

Just Surviving Your Relationship…

sky-heart

Are you just surviving your relationship? Hoping something will change?

A sign will show up?

One day you’ll finally have the courage to go?

When we’ve given power to everything outside of us to direct us, we end up unfulfilled and stuck.

It’s how we were raised. Little sponges soaking up our environment and giving it meaning about who we think we are…not who we really are in this life.

We don’t realize it’s a lie.

The truth: there’s no love or happiness, if we’ve given control to someone or something else; if we’re waiting for someone to change, they have control and we’re disconnected from ourselves.

To survive we may invest in creating a fantasy space to escape the reality of the hell we’ve chosen.

We delude ourselves, so the relationship isn’t so bad–we tolerate it by pretending and focusing on other things. Leading separate lives. YET…what are we waiting for…permission? Have the ghost of Mom or Dad told us we’re capable of making a good decision and we’re allowed to leave? Are we letting down some false expectation we have of ourselves? Or are we trying to fix an old wound?

How are we loving ourselves by staying in a relationship that no longer fulfills us? Who are WE loving?

There’s no LOVE.

We believe we need to somehow stay in a relationship to prove or heal something from childhood, because we’ve protected ourselves for YEARS or we’re doing the right thing NOW — SEE…we’re not bad, we’re good…we’re stoic! We’re martyrs…where’s my reward? Again–NO LOVE.

What does that mean?

We cover vulnerability with layers of protection, so the trauma and drama are the surface layers. It’s not our truth. It’s where we took someone else’s past CRAP , personalized it and made it about us. We remain in this perception and fear, we never get to a state of vulnerability. We stay in the argument in our head of how this isn’t working, what haven’t we done right or ignore our pain–creating even more pain to choke down. We become depressed and more stuck. 

We may feel it’s safe, WHY? Because it’s familiar.

All we’re doing is feeding our invulnerable, compartmentalized life…we never get to heal, we never get to fix the past by staying somewhere and lying to ourselves. WE NEVER GET APPROVAL!!!!! EVER!!!!

We develop relationships to grow. 

If we’re growing and our mate refuses, simply put, it’s time to move on. Period.

The relationship doesn’t serve its purpose if it doesn’t grow; it’s just a comfort zone.

We take the compartments we developed in childhood and use them to stay in our comfort zone—numbing pain and distracting ourselves, so we don’t have to change our lives. There’s patterns; one or both parent(s) always waiting for something outside of them to change…and how they reacted in the meantime.

How were our parents stuck?

What dreams did they give up?

What did they complain about often when it came to their relationships?

Do we fulfill the position of the one complaining or the one who doesn’t want to show up?

Did they divorce and we felt it was our fault? Did we make an agreement based on it with our partner, to stay together even if there’s no love?

Did they withhold love or approval from us?

Those questions have nothing to do with our true self, our authenticity or vulnerability.

We learned to have OUR perception from our answers to those questions. WE LEARNED–it’s not inborn in us. We learned: How to survive a relationship, rather than truly LIVE and LOVE!

 

Nothing we learned emotionally as a child, in being invulnerable and stuck, bears repeating as an adult.

How do we get real and get out?

This requires courage and some self-love.

First, dig deep: What is your truth? Are you afraid to see it? Good. It means you’ve been doing a lot of surviving and pretending. Look at all the false beliefs you have about yourself and relationships—every negative one is something untrue that you made a truth.

Second, recognize your REAL truth. “Am I loving myself by being here? What would a LOVING action be for myself? What am I proving? What’s the lie I tell myself that makes it a benefit to remain here?”

Third, recognize your needs? Are they fulfilled? In a dead relationship, no one is going to fulfill your needs…time to start to fulfill your needs…begin loving yourself.

Fourth, Take ACTION. Take the risk…go for the freedom. Love yourself, even if it’s a left turn, then you decide you want to go right…so what?? Love is taking action for YOU. Put your needs first, once you do, make a choice, go live your life, leave the relationship, CREATE A LOVING ENVIRONMENT ELSEWHERE FOR YOU and stop settling–you deserve LOVE.

We’re all worthy of love. ALL OF US.

Inertia is a breathing DEATH.

Action even if you’re not sure what to do is better than NOT living.

There’s a quote, build the plane while you’re flying it. And another, feel the fear–do it anyways!

Start flying and you’ll figure out your steps as you go…over-thinking leads to more stagnation. So…take action TODAY. Life is short and LOVE IS FOR ALL OF US.