I’m Not Her.

I’m not her anymore.

As authentic as I always figured I was, and even more so now, the clarity I have achieved has not come easily.

There are things I don’t want to admit, yet I do end up coming clean and if you listen to my podcast you’ve probably heard everything besides what brand of toilet paper I use.

I’m not her, I’m not the woman or the girl that I used to think I was. I’m nothing like her now.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just a thing.

As someone who has spent most of her life as an avoidant, it’s really interesting to move away from what I used to be. I struggle at times with the old tendency to isolate rather than going both feet into my social life and dating. I do date, but it comes in waves and the men I date are different than men in the past. And I am different too.

I’m more me. I’ve been tempted to wear pajamas and slippers out on a date. LOL. I’ve gotten that comfortable with myself. Although (lucky for my dates) I prefer getting dressed and looking how I want to look.

I’m no longer someone who is willing to put forth so much effort. I’ve done it and it’s painful. I was at yoga recently with a friend of mine and midway through I had a meltdown. Not a bad meltdown. It was a good one.

I felt as though I was looking down on myself as I was on the floor, in a pose. I felt compassion for for all the hard work and effort that person on the floor had put into trying to be accepted and loved. Then realizing what a total waste it had been.

Not because of other people, but because I never had to do it in the first place; I just didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know my life would work so much better just being me, open to receiving and creating. Not that my life is perfect. Nope it’s not. But I don’t really put that energy out there anymore; that effort into pleasing and being “perfect”. And if I start to, I catch myself, because I’m not her anymore.

Now I am working on not being alone. I realize a big part of me has been since I was a little kid. Out of all the things I’ve overcome and my belief system, this has been the hardest thing in the world. Call it independence or call it being really protective and not trusting myself. I trust myself more than I used to, but clearly if I’m still alone, I must not be all the way there.

I’m not sure. All I know is that I don’t need to keep fighting or force things or make demands. I have surrendered. I’m not her anymore.

I like myself. Actually, I love myself a whole hell of a lot more than I used to when I was her. 

And as I write this I just wonder… where did I get the idea that being unhappy was my destiny by trying to be what I thought was acceptable? I didn’t, she did.

I’m not her anymore.

I’m Done Hiding

 

As much as I speak about being authentic and really putting yourself out there in terms of speaking your truth, I realize that with the results of the election, I need to do that.

I used to operate strictly from logic; I had to learn to connect emotionally to myself. I spent years denying how I felt because of how I was raised. I wasn’t raised by horrible people; they just had no self-awareness. They didn’t understand the difference between logic and emotion—there was no connecting of the dots. I don’t blame them for this or believe I’m a victim; I merely say it to provide context for where I started, and the work I’ve done to move out of my head.

There are a lot of people who voted for somebody, who I still cannot believe is going to be the President of the United States. I don’t need to list all the reasons why, let’s just say my value system is completely opposite of his.

My values do not include the need for somebody to rescue me. No, I’m responsible for taking care of myself. I’m amazed that people still want someone to do the work for them (to be their big mommy or daddy), who have put their critical thinking skills aside and somehow think another human being is going to come through for them. You have to come through for yourself.

No one is going to rescue you or me. It’s an inside job to evolve, to be happy and to be successful, as in, fulfilled.

If people continue to ignore their inner world, human history will continue to be what it has always been: FEAR-BASED. It will never change. It’s not about the right leader outside of you, its about being the leader inside of you.

I belong to Pantsuit Nation on Facebook. It is really a great reservoir of people with meaningful lives and stories. The thing is it is hidden from public view. It is hidden like everything else people are afraid to actually show when it comes to how they really feel and who they really are. It’s not going to change anything unless ALL OF US stop wearing masks and say what’s real and true for us and our lives–out loud, courageously without BLAME! Admit your shit–it makes you more confident, comfortable in your skin and happier!

To raise the consciousness of this planet and put people in a position of being empowered, we have to stop blaming others for our shit. That means not looking for another person to change your life in a way that you’re not willing to change your own.

This world is abundant; there is so much in it. But if all you see is scarcity, I hate to say you’re barking up the wrong tree because with that mindset nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better. Superman and Wonder Woman cannot save the day—it requires a whole change in your perception.

I know this because I’ve lived it, and my life is a reflection of it.

I believe people are disconnected on social media and many draw courage from sitting safely behind the keyboard. I believe that people who are arrogant and say negative things about others are actually very insecure, disconnected, unhappy and weak. These are not signs of strength.

True strength is the ability to admit your insecurities, to admit your humanness and to own the fact that you have to give yourself the oxygen mask first. Strength means you don’t just complain, you do something from the heart—where it matters.

Your emotions drive you whether you’re connected to them or not. They are behind every decision you make. And when you are not connected, you make decisions that unfortunately cost you a lot more than you anticipated. Fear is a fucked up way to choose your life.

I know this because every decision I made logically (without knowing I was emotionally driven by fear) ended up making me more miserable. I don’t live that way anymore.

I can’t hide out, I won’t hide out. I will also not be responsible for the emotional state of others, particularly if they get defensive or lash out. We are all responsible for our choices, so own the ones you make. Even doing nothing is a choice.

Use your intuition, instinct and heart, your head will lead you to the same place every time and if that includes the news media, just stop yourself. From Breitbart (which is far right wing journalism in the model of the farcical National Enquirer) to CNN or any of the others, you’re getting someone’s opinion rather than FACTS. You’re being emotionally manipulated without knowing it, seek out sites that are nonpartisan or owned by a company.

Not hiding out means taking responsibility for your decisions as well as how you feel. And my feelings are this: I want to be connected to other people in person, not just online. I want to help raise up to the level of consciousness this planet deserves, which I know is possible with our love and our care.

I am in a place of figuring out on a deep level what I will do. Meanwhile, there’s no hiding out over here. I will speak what is true for me always. Does that mean I’m pointing the finger at anyone? Hell no! It means if I point any finger it’s to myself and how can I take care of myself so that I have something to give.

It means the asinine expectations we have of those in leadership–some warped idea of perfection we believe they must live up to, because who are we to say this when WE can’t in our own lives? Make sense? They are not superhuman, they have lied, and fucked up, but somehow we want to criticize and ground them into being something the cat dragged in, so we don’t have to look at ourselves. So, we ignore our own shit.

Stop today.

Take a look at your life and if you like what you see. Whether it’s yes or no, do you know why you feel the way you do (without blaming anyone or anything)?

A belief system is hard to change. I know because I encounter it all the time in my business. However… it’s certainly not impossible. It just takes work. When you start to see possibilities for yourself that you created, you start to understand that life can be different. Because you FEEL different.

As human beings we want to feel pleasure and happiness, but many of us make decisions that stand in the way of that. We think we have to suffer to feel pleasure, and a lot of the time we don’t even get there because we numb out or distract ourselves. It’s time for us to stop and finally evolve as human beings.

If anybody wants to comment, please do, I’m planning how I can take this and make it into a movement.

And if you have something negative to say, I’m not going to argue with you. That’s your opinion. I have no interest in trying to convert or convince people… because that can only happen if the other person wants to. I have no control over that. If the comment is mean or offensive, however, it will be deleted.

Want to learn about my journey to getting here today? Click here

Have more to say? Would love to hear from you in a kindly manner, so click to email me.

The Secret We All Share…

Human beings. We are a funny bunch.

Many of us tend to focus on what makes us different. Not all of us, but when we get pissed or someone believes something contradictory to us or drives their car how we don’t like it….or makes decisions we would never make, we focus on the differences.

We share that as human beings. Is it the secret? No.

We’ve lost a lot of artists in 2016. The latest being Prince. It didn’t really hit me til later, as I remembered my early adult years coming out of high school, as his songs were the theme to my relationships. Prince, 1999 and later Purple Rain. It was an emotional connection. Leading me deeper to include the part of myself who was freer, wilder, daring and edgy, (having Scorpio rising like him and the love of purple was relatable too) especially with his earlier songs. In those years, I’d drive along listening to Head and Sister.

Though to all appearances I probably appeared pretty straight-laced–wrapped tightly.

My point in sharing here isn’t my grief, the connection to his music or the re-living of those times in the past few days, it is that many of us hide out. We hide from ourselves first and the rest of the world secondly. We all share insecurities. We share weirdness, provocations and the fear of accepting those parts of ourselves others may deem unsavory.

Creativity, namely music and even the expression of any art form elicits what is hidden.

Is it the secret? No, I am getting there.

To continue, I thank artists who live on the edge of that space, because deep inside we all do have an edge, for most a hidden edge. When you hear your favorite song, or one you’ve attached meaning to about an emotional situation how do you actually feel? Vulnerable? Or at others times, tough, sensual, sexual, happy and like dancing your ass off? It creates an emotional connection with yourself. Just like a sad song relating to a break up, or how you feel so alone inside or alienated, it can dig it up and bring it to the surface.

As a fan of all sorts of music on loneliness and alienation, from Grunge to the Church, Echo and The Bunnymen….to the 60’s, 70’s and other genres of music–it used to pull up those murky parts of myself that I wanted to hide….and let me feel myself.

The perfect picture many of us carry on the outside rarely relates to what is going on inside. The CEOs and semi-celebs I’ve worked with are never what they appear to be on the outside, even the most creative ones. Truly! Most are used to being someone else too. Real happiness is not found in hiding the other parts…the ones we tuck away in fear of being found out, doing it wrong or having to explain.

Always for me, I never fit in and in many instances I still don’t (but where I do is magical–any more scorpio rising peeps who love the color purple?)….and it’s okay now. Not fitting in isn’t the fault of others, I believe it is a failure to embrace our own quirks. When trying to be somebody else and fit in, it’s impossible to be fulfilled. We will always feel ill at ease. You and I have our own tribes and the only way to attract those people is to be YOU. If you’re always stuck in pretense, all you will attract are pretentious relationships.

Think about it. Like attracts like.

Is it the secret? Almost.

A step toward the secret we all share is as long as I’m connected to me, I feel free. Freedom is what we all desire, in some capacity. Some of us are waiting for something again, outside of us, to set us free.

As you see there are many things we have in common with one another. Including, the deeper desire to share, to be open and embrace who we really are, to express that freedom, love, happiness and inner peace. We have more in common than less. Really we do.

Let’s take those words and bundle them up into a meaningful place inside of us. The true living of such words is a paradox, because of what may matter more to us.

The secret: We all want to belong.

We all want to be connected.

We all want to be our weird ass selves (yes everyone is weird) and be accepted. We all want to come as we are and no matter what (perhaps only in the privacy of our car, shower, bedroom or the company of strangers) be voicing it from the bottom of our lungs.

And back to the artists, does it mean they live in this way, being who they truly are? They’re like the rest of us, some would say yes, others would say no. (They may have a persona to live into that they created)

It is again what they create in their art, it’s an avenue for us to experience ourselves. And it may be the only time we do experience a part of true selves. Listening to those songs, which take us somewhere else deep inside.

Many of us need outside permission to live in full expression of what lies deep inside of us, and many of us deny what is in those depths, because we want to belong so badly. We want to appear to have it all, (we need the validation, attention and admiration) but I am here to tell you….under the skin of every person who appears to have it all perfectly built is a contradiction.

It’s what makes us lonely, feel disconnected and as though the emptiness inside cannot be permanently filled up. For some it is to keep so busy there’s no connection, just go-go-go and for others it is to be immobilized, also afraid to step into who they really are…it’s where we differ.

We distance, even when we look like we’re belonging. We create drama and strife, because it’s easier than the possible rejection for what truly lives in each of us. It is really through our own creativity that we are re-born.

It is when we say yes to ourselves that it becomes ok. And it means accepting the things we do against ourselves (and others), the ways we do hide out, stand with a huge wall, hurry and get pissed off. It means we embrace ourselves in the messes we create and take responsibility.

Oh yeah, to belong may be a physiological wiring, but we have 1000s of ways we do not take responsibility for the reasons we need to show up in a certain way with particular people. We look emotionally from afar, as though they may have the key to our finally feeling we’ve arrived; if only we can belong and again, we feel the unrest. Looks good on the outside, but sucks on the inside.

I was at a dinner party and someone asked what I do, we had a short conversation where I stated a few things I do, including learning to take responsibility without blaming others. He said, “Don’t we all do that?” And I said those of us who want to remain powerless to change our lives and be happy, yes; we stay victims.

In wanting to belong to a tribe, we may not even know why. We may have picked up those are the cool kids over there and I want to belong. Or we may rebel and say screw the cool kids, I am going to hang with the outsiders. Our group may be tied together in our unhappiness at not living a fully expressed, creative life. We cannot imagine what would become of us if we really sought out those we do belong with, that unknown can keep us dangling our entire lives.

What can you do? What are you willing to risk? How creative do you want to get? How free, happy and at peace do you want to be? You have to look deeper to understand your reasons for where you belong and why, you have to get to your beliefs around self-worth.

Every time I write or share it is a risk for me. Yeah, I am intensely private (believe it or not) and a lot of what I did in my younger years was not about love. It was about winning, appearances and self-inflicted pain. I didn’t know any better, most of us don’t.

Who was I? At the time I had no idea, just a bundle of anxiety, unease, analyzation and intellectual hubris….of course covered with a sense of humor, over-doing, over-giving and trying to be the best.

Some think walls are a great idea, and people have to earn something from us that we’re not even willing to give to ourselves. We also think we need to show up a certain way, so we don’t lose the people around us….because we’re afraid who we really are is nothing.

Ugh, right? The judge that lives in and outside of us telling us our worth, setting the stage for who we are and for many it’s based off someone else’s rules for life. We may want to belong ‘somewhere’ so badly….we create castles in the sky. Nothing real just the appearance of it. If we’re cast out, do we vow to instead be more of who we are or more of who we think other people want?

Finding your creativity may not make you into a world famous artist, but it can open you up to the truth of your spirit. It can help you navigate the lonely waters as you sail toward your tribe. It will free you, release you and allow you to touch on inner peace, love and happiness.

Artists when performing and being in that creative state, touch that part of themselves, even if it is only for the moments they perform. I had a client who had a profession she had not chosen, other than it would satisfy her parents. She was really an artist; truly talented. as an exercise she had to visit an art store and purchase a medium which spoke to her, and create something, take a picture and send it to me.

She did…and it was amazing. Even more amazing was how she felt during the time she was creating it, it opened her up to herself and her joy. If she was to continue to do this on a daily basis, she would touch on the hidden parts of herself, letting them surface, perhaps even accepting them. It could set be the start in setting herself free!

Being who you are and belonging is truly an inner journey first. The one into self-acceptance of all the parts you’ve hidden, buried deeply and pretended are non-existent. Being who you are is not a human-made perfection, it is a spiritual perfection.

Being Real Or Being Numb? Why It Matters.

Do you ever act or speak in ways to be accepted or looked to as someone who has your shit together?

I mean, having the appearance of being ‘real’? Down to Earth?

For years, people said that of me.

I said that of me too.

It wasn’t true.

Being numb can seem like real or calm to the world, it gives the impression that all is well, until, well, it isn’t.

If a crisis happens, or even better, if someone criticizes you….how do you feel?

Do you feel shame? Are you cringing, as though you’ve finally been found out? Do you do a ‘mental’ scramble to get back in auto-pilot, appear in control?

It’s really a sign of being numb. Numb, numb, numb…until a sharpshooter pierces your veil. Unraveling the ‘real’ disconnection to yourself.

Insulated, in control of all circumstances (it gives the impression of peace/calm), builds a small world. Even if you travel, move residence, buy or sell a company, a car, get in a relationship….or go to yoga, in other words the appearance looks like action….but you still feel bad.

Appearances aren’t the true story.

Being numb means repetition: buy more, sell more, travel more, work more and so on.

Taking you back and forth between calm and anxiety. Calm when all is under control, and anxious when it appears you can’t trust what is happening.

Yup……..

I know this so well. SO WELL.

I journaled this morning, thinking about my recently hiring two different coaches, for two different areas of my life. And how in the past, when I hired someone, I looked to outsmart them! As though, the issue was to prove I was okay, successful, etc, so I could believe help was useless. To appear evolved was more important than my happiness and well-being.

I went to therapy only to be told I was too evolved.

Really?

No way.

I knew I could intelligently explain what was going on with me, speak psychology, but really…I wouldn’t have been sitting in their offices, had I not been suffering from a shit-ton of anxiety.

Being real was NOT happening, there was NO vulnerability.

I intellectually leveled the playing field, so the therapist had no more knowledge or power than me. Crazy right? If I was feeling inferior and wanted to show I was superior, how the fuck could I get help?

It took me a long time (this scenario was over a decade ago) to get it emotionally. The defensive way I stood ground, proving no one could help me. Oh brother!

I looked calm, in charge and connected. I WAS NUMB. Until something out of my control happened. In the form of a relationship or monetary loss, or some security. Anxiety would pull me a long day after day, while I intellectually tried to solve the problem.

Intellectually trying to resolve feelings or emotions makes you numb…there’s a wall inside of you keeping REAL out. It locks out fulfillment, while protecting your stale belief system.

Your world gets smaller. Being real requires emotional risk. Not actions that just look like risk, like quitting your job and moving to a third world country to help people. It requires emotionally being connected to your WHY, to challenging yourself to break open, to breathe, relax, allow, trust, YOURSELF and life.

By smaller, being unaware that your life is HUGE repetition of last year. It’s familiar, you don’t go deep and act from there. Numbness is preferred. REAL possibility doesn’t exist, because you repeat the past.

How is it real? Being numb matters, because YOU never experience life at the level of inner fulfillment.

Being real means non-attachment to outcomes, being emotionally present and stepping into UNLIMITED possibilities! A numb control freak cannot do it.

For me it’s having help, allowing it. So, if I start disregarding advice… I ask: will this help me if I disprove it? Or will I be more fulfilled, successful, happy and so on, allowing a helping hand….by being real and vulnerable?

It matters to live this way. It sparkles! Being real is a flow, it’s a free ride, because the cost of being numb and rigid to old ways is gone. Every time I say YES to help, to emotional risk and listening to my heart–my external circumstances bring more fulfillment–connection.

Want to break out of the numbness? Want an opportunity to really grab onto a shooting star and FEEL amazing? Schedule a discovery session, we can dive into together!

 

Guru Wanted

It is funny how our civilization tends to elevate people.

Sometimes people who are elevated grow a much larger ego, but never really grow their own value inside. People can tell you a million times a day how wonderful you are, but if you don’t feel it inside… it doesn’t matter.

Putting people on pedestals is a disservice to you, to me and to anyone who is placed on a level of perfection will find it’s a threshold they cannot maintain. Perhaps from all appearances they can remain in this state of having overcome their humanness, but we usually wait for them to fall.

We all fall.

We all flounder.

Some of us may have experiences we can reflect upon that help others. I am surely as flawed and screwed up as the next person. And at times people can tell me how I’ve helped them or how wonderful I am… and I just can’t buy into it.

I was talking to a friend of mine and she mentioned a peer who called herself a ‘guru’ and all I thought was ego. No one is a guru. No one. It is our perception which makes it appear they are ‘above us’. I will never be above anyone, but I do feel like I up-level.

To up-level is to become lighter, less encumbered by my own thoughts, feelings and actions. To feel good most of the time, no matter what’s taking place outside of me.

I am more true to myself, more authentic and therefore even if I am depressed or angry, I am way happier than I used to be. Upleveling comes from speaking your truth. PERIOD.

If you ain’t speaking or living your truth then you’re faking yourself out. You aren’t the guru on the mountain, you are disconnected from your truth. I know because I’ve lived both sides of this coin. I used to try to buy into the fact that I could help strangers on a plane, but I could never help myself.

I just pretended I was okay–God forbid anyone find out that my careful veneer of ‘knowing it all’ was utter bullshit. It was a HEAVY burden to carry. Not saying the truth of my feelings out loud and always strategizing left me empty and making decisions from a state of lack rather than abundance.

Stating your truth builds trust within yourself. I do it constantly. I want my connection I’ve built with myself to be sustainable and strong, even when I feel weak. Perfection is the biggest sign of a weak connection to oneself. It says, “I do not trust who I really am, because I will be judged and cast out.”

We can feed ourselves this crap. Or we can get real. How do we get real?

• Stop telling ourselves stories which state, “If I say my truth, I will be lost, abandoned or annihilated in some way.” This is just our mind trying to keep us safe from going away from our learned beliefs, which keeps us in the behavior of creating shitty stories where we feel incapable of taking emotional risk.
• Realize everyone deals with issues of self-worth. EVERYONE. And if you hear anything different, it’s bullshit.
• Resistance comes up when we want to go beyond our walls, or we are not happy with OUTSIDE circumstances. We’re in a place of nonacceptance, which also leads to bad decision-making.
• Staying in a state of lack. As long as we believe we’re on our own, we’re screwed. Every bad decision you make comes from a state of lack. Some of us think we’ve gotta do it alone, be punished, sacrifice or repent for how horrible we are and therefore we don’t deserve ease, good or anything else. This means we don’t trust ourselves and life. Leading to…
• Learn to trust yourself and let your inner wisdom–your gut–make your decision. All that mind chatter does is freak you out. It’s a waste of time. It’s annoying and it is NOT your truth.
• Can’t say it? Write it and share it. I do all of the above.

I have shit just like everyone else; things that get me pinned to the mat, But even so, to disconnect and hide from my own feelings would make it worse. Trying to fix things on the outside before getting real about the inside will never bring HAPPY, FULFILLING results.

I’ve lived a white picket existence, and inside of it I was miserable, So yeah, appearances are just that… appearances.

And I couldn’t give two shits about my appearance at this point. Authenticity is my home.

When will it be your turn to embrace your own REAL, AUTHENTIC, .less-than-perfect self?

And if you want some help, or don’t know if you’re READY for help, schedule one of my complimentary Discovery Sessions… one flawed human being to another.

xoxo

Tracy

 

What’s Your Weirdness EQ?

Everyone is weird.

We’ve all heard that in so many quotes that have surfaced, right?

Most people cringe when they think of how being weird might negatively affect them. What is a weirdness EQ? It’s your ability to emotionally handle your weirdness!

Yes, I made it up, but wouldn’t that be cool if there was a Weirdness EQ? Emotionally aware and accepting of your little quirks?

Hiding weirdness is a social disease; it ain’t got nothing to do with reality. In reality being human makes us weird. It makes us different and therefore it can make us lovable.

I owned a wonderful façade for years, which wouldn’t allow my weirdness to show.

But now… I’m a super freak! How about you?

My sense of humor runs the gamut of really disgusting to slapstick. My likes and dislikes show me how much I don’t fit into the mainstream. And I’m quite all right with not being PC.

Most of us want to appear normal so we’re not abandoned. It also means working at jobs which we hate or don’t suit us in the least. We may be depressed and not know why. For those of us that have felt different, we may think we always look weird (as though it stands out before we walk in the door) and that makes us uncomfortable.

We hope nobody can tell.

I’m not talking about acting goofy or childish, which is fun! I’m talking about just the weird things were drawn to and how we express ourselves. If you’re like me, you’re the curious type. Being curious about most things, which might be completely unacceptable to others, can make you appear weird.

But, weirdness is where I bond.

Before I connect with somebody else, a guru, a mentor or friend, I make sure they’ve actually shared characteristics about themselves which show they’re weird or unique–something which means they’re human. Think about the multitudes on Facebook who share shiny inspirational messages, but hide out in not showing themselves. There’s no sign of life or weirdness and I find it hard to follow–it’s boring and in the end, not inspirational.

I want to know the reality of the life of the person who is posting a meme or even speaking to me in private. I say let your uniqueness show. Isn’t that where we all connect?

What about doing work or being in a relationship where we hide qualities we think might be threatening to other people?

What if you’re the CEO of the company and you can’t stand showing up for work each day? But you want it to appear that you’re happy and successful so nobody really knows how much you suffer. We all help one another when we let our weird show. Anybody who is threatened by it is actually threatened by their own weirdness. One small caveat–just cuz you embrace your weird, doesn’t mean you should use it as a form of torture on others who may not share your view.

Being weird is a human tradition. Isn’t it what all great comedies are based on to some degree? The ability to laugh at yourself, but to also embrace your weird, because that bit of uniqueness could be the missing ingredient to your creating a life based on real happiness.

I came up with this list of questions, weirdly random. I answered them, so now it’s your turn. I’d love for you to do it in the comments below!

Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes and had mud-fights too.

What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? I can’t see! What day is it? I don’t remember this hole in my pajamas! Is this where I wanted to wake up…. where’s my coffee!?

If you could be any age for a week, what would it be and why? I think I’d be three or four. I want to play in a carefree way, with no responsibility. My sole goal is to get up and play… and take a nap. Yup, that would be fun!

Have you ever eaten a crayon or glue? I have eaten paste as a child. I think I may have munched on some crayons too.

Do you talk to yourself? Yes, and I sing to myself too.

Do you know your heritage? It’s actually ‘weirdly’ interesting and too long to share here.

What was a weird thing you did as a teenager? Drove with my friends in search of an infamous midget village in Long Beach. We combed the streets looking for this fabled land where everything was supposed to be small. Reminds me of the time I went snipe hunting.

I am sure there are more, but this is all I can remember right now.

Most bizarre talent? Hmmmm…touching my tongue to my nose or chin? I used to be able to burp many letters of the alphabet!

What is one thing you believe right now, you would never do on purpose? Skydive!

Ok… your turn!

Are You Hiding From Abundance?

Catchy title, right?

I’ve found myself at multiple crossroads this year, each time with the question of ‘Who Am I?”

I believed I knew each time, but I was avoiding a few things. And for me, each time I did, it slapped me in the face immediately. No more hiding.

I could no longer be anyone else, but me.

I could no longer pretend to go along to get along.

I could no longer be around people for which I had to hide any part of me, or step back into the shadows and be less than who I was. And most of all… I had to accept the ‘woo-woo’ parts of who I am.

Accepting my flaws is a much easier road, and one where I no longer cringe at others finding out about me. We all have flaws. No one has their shit together when they’re hiding imperfections or insecurities.

When I went to dinner with a friend (someone I have also provided psychic readings for), she asked if it was okay for her to tell the waiter I was psychic. I wanted to crawl under the table, but in a position to really own this particular part of myself, I said ‘sure’.

Why my reaction?

Well, it’s not as though I stopped being psychic at different points in my life. I just separated it. When I was in certain situations I’d hide that part of me, and when I was doing business or socializing with ‘accepting’ friends, I let it out of the closet.

I worried how other people perceived me, perhaps thinking I lacked credibility. But when I came to the crossroads of understanding, and how not just that part of me, but other parts of me were submerged in the dark, invisible to the naked eye, I knew it was my WHY.

WHY things could feel bad; WHY things didn’t work out; WHY (until I embraced this and other murky parts of me from my POV) I stayed in a state of struggle. My struggle was deep within, so of course it is reflected in the creation of lack in my outside world.

What I’m getting at here is how our internal struggle and characteristics of our personality, abilities, etc. which make us want to cringe… keep us stuck. If we’re not showing up as the ‘whole’ and instead just as fragments of what WE THINK is acceptable, then we’re screwing ourselves out of an abundant, joyful life.

I’ve been working on my subconscious beliefs for years. I had some help this year and the practitioner said it was time to own all I do… including the spirituality, the energy work and other gifts I had submerged in the murkiness.

Anyone relate to what I am saying?

Fearing we won’t be accepted by others, we live this life of quiet desperation and major struggle. I’m not talking about throwing it out there as a Facebook post. I’m talking about living it all in 3D!

As long as you or I remain hiding some part of who we are, which could be a major gift to the world, and instead play it safe, we aren’t saying YES to life. We’re saying NO to possibility and remaining a limited version of who we truly are. That sucks!

If you want true fulfillment and abundance, the only way to get there is own what makes you cringe. If people around you don’t accept you, it’s not your problem because living a limited version of who you are is way more detrimental to your well-being than it is to find your true tribe!

This is not an easy process. It does include loss, pain and trying to find new footing, but the payoff is huge.

Look at where you have a state of lack. What are you hiding from the world? Wherever you’ve submerged parts of you out of protection, basically fear, you are hindering your ability to receive what can be a true match for you.

Notice how you show up with different people; how certain characteristics are acceptable and others get shoved to the side.

See if you can allow an opening for what is hidden to come out in just one of those situations.

See how uncomfortable it is, and at the same time experience the freedom.

Have you noticed this in your own behavior? Have you felt uncomfortable when attempting to ‘be you’? Please share in the comments.

People pleasing is the opposite of real love

People pleasing is a strategy; it’s not love.

Love is genuine; people pleasing is manipulation.

I was having lunch with a friend the other day and she told me, while rolling her eyes, how much she hated sex with her boyfriend.

In fact, they didn’t really have much sex, and hadn’t for years.

Instead of telling him, she told me how much she despised and disrespected him for his withholding. She ‘pretended’ this was enough when with him. As I munched on my sandwich, she delved into her adventures with a much younger guy who she felt in control of, emotionally and sexually, while creating an image that wasn’t true either.

People pleasing is a form of control:

“You’ll like me or love me if I do this for you.”

“I need to feel okay, so I will give in and do what you want, even though I resent you.”

“If I take this action, you will owe me and you won’t return the favor, but I’ll keep score of the points and use it against you someday (or wait for the day you wake up!).”

“I expect the same in return.”

“I’m doing this so you’ll think I’m nice and when I ask you to do something distasteful, you’ll feel obligated to do so.”

“I have to do it. If I don’t, who else will?”

“I must sacrifice, otherwise I can’t make up for my childhood… or I’ll be thought of as selfish or a jerk.”

Any of these phrases sound familiar?

Like my friend, some of us do it to be liked, to get along to go along, to score points or because we feel obligated. It’s a way of trying to get validation in some capacity.

Most of us aren’t even aware we are doing it!!

It’s tiring to be dishonest with our intentions. We blame someone or something else for how we feel and for why we’re stuck as the ‘pleaser on steroids.’

We’re trying to control, but there is no love in control; it’s a false perception. We can never command the feelings of others like we think we do. If we really saw ourselves through the eyes of others, we would have a mixed bag… and then what would we do? Be a chameleon?

Ever felt like a fake or phony? Try to masquerade as a perfect example to others? How disconnected do you actually feel from who you truly are when you do? How insecure?

Believing we control others through an image (true or not) that we feel is acceptable can be a lifelong pursuit. It’s a prison of limitation, by living into this ‘image’ and not being true to ourselves; often we don’t know how we really feel because we’re afraid to go there.

People pleasing is a form of lying. It doesn’t make us happy. It’s a huge effort with no pay off… leaving us to feel frustration, resentment and non-fulfillment.

Real love requires authenticity. We have to connect to ourselves and do what we genuinely feel. Our relationships will definitely change, some for the better and some will become nonexistent.

Many of us lack a sense of self if we separate from the validation of others. It’s scary and it feels out of control! Digging into our feelings, we’ll find some pretty jacked up beliefs we have of ourselves and this world. This is where the journey begins.

Moving from fear to real love

In embodying real love we come to find true connection, trust in ourselves and life to give us what we need. It ceases to be a dance of control. Real love experienced through self-acceptance creates the foundation for it to show up with others.

Real love requires awareness and connection.

The next time you take an action or say words causing a physical reaction, STOP! Break through the autopilot pattern and ask why you’re going against yourself?

Get honest.

What do you really want to do? How do you really feel?

Get bold.

State it out loud. It may come out wonky or abrupt, but do this often and you’ll get into your deeper truth. Again, your REAL truth is about YOU–your beliefs, your patterns and connecting to the love within. It has nothing to do with the other person.

For more on this topic, please join me for my weekly radio show: People Pleasing and Why You’ll Never Win!

 

The Choices We Make

My year of reinvention continues, how about you? 

Recently, I met with a woman who helped me with a few things regarding my subconscious beliefs. She told me that my relationships would be affected. People coming; people going.

It’s been wild to watch!

Before I met with her, I already made different choices in my relationships.

This just accelerated things. As I continued to magnetize individuals sharing a similar perspective of reality, while accepting myself (finally) and understanding, we’re all f*cked up…other people disappeared!

I decided to choose love even while letting go.

It’s been rough. 

I’ve lost a relationship that was of value to me. A lot of love, amazing memories, and at one point we were kindred spirits, but alas, too many misunderstandings, judgment and change had taken place. It’s a funky place to be, when you can see the deeper picture of how it took two to get there. We either go thru thick n’ thin communicating honestly or crap expands (including others) pushing us apart.

On the other hand many who disappeared, were not ‘authentic’ and frankly we never were truly friends. As I felt a sense of relief… I asked myself, how did I get here.

Junior high school?

Funny, right?

We all have our jr. high story, don’t we?

Not only were parts of it happening again, BUT my issue of belonging and how I go about valuing myself really started back then!

At the time, I was cast out of my group without any interest in my truth–as only a 13 year old could be a victim, but who knows this at 13?

From that point forth, I felt inadequate in most relationships, waiting for the other shoe to drop–to be found out and told I sucked. I left a lot of relationships up to the other person to choose me; to tell me I was okay or not. I never really felt worthy; I’d always feel something was wrong with me and thank God they’re willing to overlook it!

It wasn’t til I started choosing me, accepting me (warts and all), being kinder, gentler and happier with me LOVING MYSELF….in other words taking off my mask and being who I really am, that something profoundly shifted.

It’s been hard at times, but I had no choice…I had to choose me. (If I tried to suck it up and fit my square peg self into a round hole–I’d experience a weird anxiety–I couldn’t pretend) I took responsibility where I saw my part, but stopped worrying how others perceived me.

This was the most AMAZING discovery…..I finally realized I value myself not based on the opinions or assumptions of others, NOPE…I value me, based on me.

And it leads me to how choosing OURSELVES (not as victims), but in loving what is….we can choose the others in our lives, with love too.

Someone recently sent me Choose Her Everyday or Leave Her…wanting me to talk about it on my radio show. In a perfect world it’s great to put the onus of responsibility on one person. We can all be destructive, but you have to catch yourself and at least know why….so if you have relationships, whether intimate or not….who (or what) do you choose?

From the article:

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior.

In any relationship, we do this when we want to victimize ourselves and hold someone else responsible: place blame. The focus for this man was not on himself, it was on his partner and her negative aspects (not as a whole person).

By focusing on what you cannot control (another person), and ignoring what is going on within yourself–you remain unfulfilled–wanting–needing–and usually angry.

My personal journey is to remain connected, choosing myself, so I can be authentic and love others from that place, whether they are in my life or not.

Why?

Because it feels good! Isn’t that the point of life….to feel good?

What about you? Where will you focus?

No apologies; value yourself.

We demand apologies in our society.

Why do people want an apology when someone clearly is not sorry and doesn’t want to give it?

Does it have some meaning to hear meaningless words?

As a society do we suffer from over-politeness—expected to apologize when we don’t feel regret for our words or actions, so should we do it anyway? We can insert any words besides I am sorry (car door, lollipop, vase, etc) into an apology, when we’re being forced.

I’ve a better idea….how about sticking to being authentic…it has significance and ‘value.’

In our desire to rip an apology from the reluctant hands of the offender, it is to ensure NOTHING changes. NOTHING.

People do NOT like change, especially when it’s associated with loss. (most change means loss of something)

To gain value in yourself, you need to see yourself and others clearly.

If someone hurts you or does something untenable, the first impulse might be to put it all back together again…so nothing changes.

Denial can be alright for a minute or two, but in reality you need to look at what has transpired.

How about apologizing when you’ve done nothing, but just want things to stay the same–hoping it will calm the other person down or he or she won’t blame you for their crappy behavior? Ever experienced this phenomenon?

Elevating yourself while NOT trying to convince someone else of anything you think you deserve is the key.

Let me be clear, by elevating, I mean to take yourself out of the desire to react in an old way; to gain clarity—by rising above it (to see clearly) and looking at the situation as the observer.

When you react to a situation as a victim, it is quite different than saying “I am hurt by this situation” and taking a step back.

Taking a step back to evaluate or let the dust settle, so you can clearly decide what is best for YOU…not the other person(s) is going to lead you in the direction of self-care and empowerment.

Fulfillment equals value.

Value inside means you’re not demanding payment. Instead of demanding a meaningless apology by threatening someone or falling deeper into victimhood, the movement is to care for your own feelings.

Screw meaningless apologies, they change nothing. It’s time to look at reality, the truth and make changes for your own fulfillment.

Some of you may not want to give up on the hope and dreams you have invested in the relationship or situation (personally or professionally) and so action to care for yourself is the last thing you will do.

Valuing yourself is hard to do with other people actively living in your mind. The fear of loss is more important than self-love, until it’s not.

I remember looking for books or other arguments, which supported how I felt, because no one around me understood what was going on with me…and it made me question my value. I needed something outside of me to validate that my feelings are okay.

Stepping out of the role you’ve inhabited–takes an honest appraisal, understanding the way you’ve acted isn’t your TRUE position; it was to get validation. True value cannot be felt through validation from others.

So, what is the bottom line? Give up apologizing, unless you really mean it for an action or word, which you FEEL was a mistake.

Stop waiting for the apologies from the rest of the world, they make no difference to your ultimate value. And recognize that your value is an inside job.