I’m Done Hiding

 

As much as I speak about being authentic and really putting yourself out there in terms of speaking your truth, I realize that with the results of the election, I need to do that.

I used to operate strictly from logic; I had to learn to connect emotionally to myself. I spent years denying how I felt because of how I was raised. I wasn’t raised by horrible people; they just had no self-awareness. They didn’t understand the difference between logic and emotion—there was no connecting of the dots. I don’t blame them for this or believe I’m a victim; I merely say it to provide context for where I started, and the work I’ve done to move out of my head.

There are a lot of people who voted for somebody, who I still cannot believe is going to be the President of the United States. I don’t need to list all the reasons why, let’s just say my value system is completely opposite of his.

My values do not include the need for somebody to rescue me. No, I’m responsible for taking care of myself. I’m amazed that people still want someone to do the work for them (to be their big mommy or daddy), who have put their critical thinking skills aside and somehow think another human being is going to come through for them. You have to come through for yourself.

No one is going to rescue you or me. It’s an inside job to evolve, to be happy and to be successful, as in, fulfilled.

If people continue to ignore their inner world, human history will continue to be what it has always been: FEAR-BASED. It will never change. It’s not about the right leader outside of you, its about being the leader inside of you.

I belong to Pantsuit Nation on Facebook. It is really a great reservoir of people with meaningful lives and stories. The thing is it is hidden from public view. It is hidden like everything else people are afraid to actually show when it comes to how they really feel and who they really are. It’s not going to change anything unless ALL OF US stop wearing masks and say what’s real and true for us and our lives–out loud, courageously without BLAME! Admit your shit–it makes you more confident, comfortable in your skin and happier!

To raise the consciousness of this planet and put people in a position of being empowered, we have to stop blaming others for our shit. That means not looking for another person to change your life in a way that you’re not willing to change your own.

This world is abundant; there is so much in it. But if all you see is scarcity, I hate to say you’re barking up the wrong tree because with that mindset nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better. Superman and Wonder Woman cannot save the day—it requires a whole change in your perception.

I know this because I’ve lived it, and my life is a reflection of it.

I believe people are disconnected on social media and many draw courage from sitting safely behind the keyboard. I believe that people who are arrogant and say negative things about others are actually very insecure, disconnected, unhappy and weak. These are not signs of strength.

True strength is the ability to admit your insecurities, to admit your humanness and to own the fact that you have to give yourself the oxygen mask first. Strength means you don’t just complain, you do something from the heart—where it matters.

Your emotions drive you whether you’re connected to them or not. They are behind every decision you make. And when you are not connected, you make decisions that unfortunately cost you a lot more than you anticipated. Fear is a fucked up way to choose your life.

I know this because every decision I made logically (without knowing I was emotionally driven by fear) ended up making me more miserable. I don’t live that way anymore.

I can’t hide out, I won’t hide out. I will also not be responsible for the emotional state of others, particularly if they get defensive or lash out. We are all responsible for our choices, so own the ones you make. Even doing nothing is a choice.

Use your intuition, instinct and heart, your head will lead you to the same place every time and if that includes the news media, just stop yourself. From Breitbart (which is far right wing journalism in the model of the farcical National Enquirer) to CNN or any of the others, you’re getting someone’s opinion rather than FACTS. You’re being emotionally manipulated without knowing it, seek out sites that are nonpartisan or owned by a company.

Not hiding out means taking responsibility for your decisions as well as how you feel. And my feelings are this: I want to be connected to other people in person, not just online. I want to help raise up to the level of consciousness this planet deserves, which I know is possible with our love and our care.

I am in a place of figuring out on a deep level what I will do. Meanwhile, there’s no hiding out over here. I will speak what is true for me always. Does that mean I’m pointing the finger at anyone? Hell no! It means if I point any finger it’s to myself and how can I take care of myself so that I have something to give.

It means the asinine expectations we have of those in leadership–some warped idea of perfection we believe they must live up to, because who are we to say this when WE can’t in our own lives? Make sense? They are not superhuman, they have lied, and fucked up, but somehow we want to criticize and ground them into being something the cat dragged in, so we don’t have to look at ourselves. So, we ignore our own shit.

Stop today.

Take a look at your life and if you like what you see. Whether it’s yes or no, do you know why you feel the way you do (without blaming anyone or anything)?

A belief system is hard to change. I know because I encounter it all the time in my business. However… it’s certainly not impossible. It just takes work. When you start to see possibilities for yourself that you created, you start to understand that life can be different. Because you FEEL different.

As human beings we want to feel pleasure and happiness, but many of us make decisions that stand in the way of that. We think we have to suffer to feel pleasure, and a lot of the time we don’t even get there because we numb out or distract ourselves. It’s time for us to stop and finally evolve as human beings.

If anybody wants to comment, please do, I’m planning how I can take this and make it into a movement.

And if you have something negative to say, I’m not going to argue with you. That’s your opinion. I have no interest in trying to convert or convince people… because that can only happen if the other person wants to. I have no control over that. If the comment is mean or offensive, however, it will be deleted.

Want to learn about my journey to getting here today? Click here

Have more to say? Would love to hear from you in a kindly manner, so click to email me.

Navigating From Insecure Attachment To The Awkwardness of Dating

Even as you make strides in your own growth, you experience hiccups.

You find yourself in a ‘same old situation,’ but feel differently, with fledgling confidence in your newer tools. With growing assurance what may have felt impossible in the past, can still make you choke a bit as you state your truth.

Remember to be prepared for people not hearing you; it’s okay.

Speaking your truth is not done to convince someone of what they should do (conditioning will tell you otherwise); it’s supporting yourself emotionally. Whether it’s early in dating or stepping into a relationship, if it’s not working it’ll be clear pretty quickly, just by observing the ensuing dialogue or reaction after you speak.

Recently I was at dinner with someone.

No shooting stars; just enjoying my time with him, thinking he was really nice. And he IS nice. On our prior dates we casually talked about a variety of topics including what we both wanted in dating/relationships. It was cool.

This dinner turned out to be not so cool.

I felt as though I was on a date with someone totally different. The conversation did not flow, there was a huge interest in the food, but other than that not much laughter or further exploration of any deeper topics. In the past it would’ve stopped me cold from addressing something important to me. I’d have looked for the right time to speak and kept quiet if I didn’t find it and then ‘gone along’ with whatever happened afterwards.  As an ex-people-pleaser, it was finding courage to speak about intimacy, and get really uncomfortable.

In my heart, I had to express how I’m not rushing a physical relationship until I really get to know somebody, and I’m confident we’re headed in the same direction (I don’t care if anyone agrees or disagrees with my actions, it’s how I feel in taking care of myself emotionally). I stated this and it was acknowledged verbally, but not physically.

It was very clear we were on a different page.

As we drove after dinner, I realized what I said was for my ears only.

Is he bad? No.

This isn’t to pick his behavior apart. It’s to illustrate how difficult it can be to navigate saying something that another person may not want to hear. It can be very uncomfortable.

Many women (and some men) find themselves in the middle of somewhere they don’t want to be, by keeping quiet and making excuses, so they don’t hate themselves. You’re afraid to upset someone, but when action happens as a result of your silence, it is NOT what you want, and you blame yourself (and them too).

Insecure attachment holds you with a fear of loss. You’re used to it, but you want to avoid it, and when you’ve been wired this way for so long, it can be tough to speak the truth.

With insecure attachment as a basis for your conditioning, you try to exert control over others’ behavior. You refuse to listen or see reality as it is. And you’ll cross someone else’s boundaries. Someone with true confidence isn’t controlling or trying to prove anything; secure people respect themselves and others.

I stood for myself because my values matter. In setting the foundation for a HAPPY long-term relationship, you don’t want a tug-of-war, or a struggle for power.

Sometimes in speaking your truth, it’s challenging to be consistently connected to your heart, especially if others are resistant. You can’t control them.

I know what it feels like to not say the truth of how you feel out of fear, and have someone disregard it when you do speak.

Clarity around attachment is huge. A warm body will not do. What you’re looking for changes as you feel more secure, yet it can feel like a foreign land, especially when you can’t tell on the first date beyond whether he or she might be nice. It’s why I go slow, not protective, so I can stay in the rhythm of my own emotions. If I try to keep up with someone else’s desires and ignore my own, it will end ugly.

Insecure attachment has conditioned us to not trust ourselves, the world or others. So to trust yourself means going thru the discomfort of not pleasing someone else and not controlling the events outside of you by pretending to fill a role. Instead you must speak your truth.

The awkwardness of dating can make you feel you have to compromise to get what you want. YOU DO NOT compromise at that stage unless you want to repeat the same ol’ relationship. Always see reality as it is, not as you wish it.

Attachment can keep you on a merry-go-round.

Not just in dating someone who is ill-suited to a partnership with you, but repeating the relationship over and over with them, continuing to try making it work where it was never meant to go. It’s the fantasy, which deludes you from dealing with rejection or abandonment. I can’t tell you how many times I saw red flags in the past with others and kept dating them. I was ATTACHED! It then kept me in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Insecure attachment will keep you believing a fantasy. You keep going around and around hoping they have changed (cuz you fear there may not be someone else).

Stop for a moment in whatever dating situation you’re in and ask what you truly believe without bullshitting yourself. What’s YOUR truth? Remember, it is always okay to be where you are, even if it is hell. You can’t navigate from where you are not.

There are NO rules of engagement with how you should act or what you should do to develop a relationship. I really believe when it’s the right person, it’s the right person. It’s not necessarily magical, but there’s an ease to it. Everyone I know in a healthy, secure relationship (even those who had insecure attachment in the past) experiences ease.

In my dating life, the above scenario was another opportunity for me to trust myself more, instead of beating myself up. It was a chance to remain open and aware of what I want for myself. We are always at choice in keeping the old patterns alive or speaking then acting by taking a risk to stick with the truth of what we want!

Interested in learning more about attachment? Listen to this podcast.

It’s Complicated.

Why do we human beings complicate the crap out of everything?

1. We’re bored.
2. It’s what we know.
3. We like drama.
4. We’re not good enough or worthy.
5. We’re afraid of abandonment.

And so on.

It’s a circle of hell.

I moved this week and even though I’m self-proclaimed as the queen of disorganization, I’m also pretty anal about having things completed and my ducks in a row. It’s how I get to the end result, which was the complicated part.

I decided that I would just ‘let go’ starting with the internet/cable company having their computer call back 8 times in three days, and threatening not to show up on Tuesday, if we didn’t answer the same questions. I would not call the president of Charter Communication (I already had a conversation with him a couple months ago) and just breathe, remaining in a state of ease through the move.

I did call their customer service who didn’t understand why we wouldn’t answer the questions from the phone robot, instead get on board and take care of the issue. The deal is folks, I lived in a world of uptight for years! Years.

I was anal and full of expectations, so do you know what most of my thoughts used to be around? Failure. Other people letting me down, me letting me down and expectations of perfection, which were enough to stress someone out and give them health issues.

I assumed constantly; I looked for problems, always strategizing to solve them before they happened. It’s what can appear to make most of us Type A’s successful, but it also makes us crazy!

I thrived on people handing me a flaming inferno, so I could figure out how to put it out and change the circumstances (in jobs, clients who hated on the company ended up becoming my new best friends), because I over-cared. I took it personally, if shit was not working and this translated to my personal life.

I spent sooooooo much time trying to prove something, fix everything and everyone; my life was complicated with minutia, and it served a purpose (I didn’t know it at the time), so I could do one thing…..avoid myself!

I remained free of criticism or disdain (in my own mind), as long as I was handling everyone else’s shit. I couldn’t be abandoned, I was needed and it was complicated. EVERYTHING was an ordeal; it kept me busy.

Know what I mean?

What’s your biggest problem right now? If it is anything outside of you, then I have news for you…you’re WAITING on someone or something else to change. And that situation or person has your power, as you WAIT for what you want.

Notice how much time you spend assuming, strategizing and looking at the rest of the world as the issue and if he or she or it would only get their shit together!

If you spend any time imagining a variety of scenarios to whatever it is keeping your life complicated, then I have news for you, nothing will change, until you decide YOU are going to change.

My move was significant in terms of other issues showing up and my decision to keep breathing, staying in a place of ease. Where I would normally be uptight, I let it go. I asked myself what good would it do to fight? I no longer had the drive for it!

Life is not so complicated anymore. Relationships which were complicated are gone–my thinking around them gone. In fact, the realization on a deeper level of what real connection is and is not has floored me. Even clearer is the old way of moving at lightening speed created from the complicated scenarios in my head have fallen away too.

All the years of impossible to-do lists and the feeling of emptiness around their fulfillment is gone. In fact, if I find myself starting to go down the OLD road, I immediately stop. No thank you.

To desire ease in your life is one thing, to actually live into it and the simplicity it brings is another thing.

Being in a state of ease means allowing, connecting, and trusting. 

Allowing yourself time, space and the peace to receive help, opportunity and clarity. Slowing down and having awareness when you start to automatically speed up, why are you doing it? What complicated crap is rolling around in your brain? (Remember 90% of our thoughts are repeated daily)

What problems were resolved and you now feel a state of limbo or stress, as though you don’t know what to focus on, is it complicating your thinking?

Allowing yourself the internal space to breathe and just focus on creation from your heart (not your head) is hard to do, if you’re not used to it. You may talk about letting your heart lead, but what are all the excuses you have as to why you cannot?

To maintain a state of allowing is not to sit back and eat bon bons, it is to participate, place effort daily and allow others to show up. It also means letting go of perceived control and never feeling bored again.

Connecting to yourself means you know what you want, how you really feel and not hiding from your own truth. I guarantee once you start living this way, your whole life simplifies, you’re no longer trying to please or outthink anyone else. You do things deliberately without holding onto the outcome.

The connection to yourself takes courage, because fear has a loud voice–so any time you notice all sorts of voices in your head telling you WHY you cannot do something, tell them to shut up and focus in your heart, your gut…listen for the answers from your inner wisdom, and get uncomfortable. Real uncomfortable.

You are leaving what you knew for the promised land.

Once you see yourself from a place of truth, all the complicated thoughts cease. You stop over-caring about their existence and the meaning you gave to them about your self-worth. You connect to your true value. Drama becomes boring.

Trusting from the inside out is an act of compassion, vulnerability and love. If you allow yourself to relax, to say okay to the unfamiliar and trust yourself when you make decisions from your inner wisdom, miracles happen.

Second guessing, and strategizing are no longer appropriate. You roll with the waves, you don’t play victim or have crazy-ass expectations. You trust in yourself, a higher power and life… that it really will all be okay. It’s understanding your control is really inside of you not on the outside and trusting ease.

Ease only comes when we’re willing to participate in the flow of life, instead of standing on the outside of it, complicating every situation, so we have stuff to roll around in our heads and believing it’s entertainment or our life wouldn’t have meaning without it.

Need some help moving into ease, please schedule a complimentary discovery session with me and find out how you’re blocking your own good time.

 

Holding Back and Depriving Your Joy

I don’t know about you, but I find the source of most of my issues start and end with me. 

If I have fear and chicken out, I will definitely regret it.

If I fail and kick my own butt, I will feel worse.

If I am empty whether I am alone or not, I am cut off from myself.

All three statements also show me where I am unavailable in my own life. I am cut off from the joy or pain of an experience because anything that stands in the way of my emotional experience means I’m unavailable in some capacity–even though I may feel something, like torture or fleeting joy.

The problem when I say yes to some activity or action is that everything emotionally turns off inside of me. Do you know what I mean? You promise to do something. It could be fun like going on vacation, attending an event or being with someone you love or like. BUT there’s a part of you missing. The part which holds back from the full experience.

The reasons vary, but there’s a withholding of emotional connection just in case it doesn’t work, something goes wrong and it is necessary to remain invulnerable.

Have you experienced this in your own life?

Not Being Present

Look back at times when you were present somewhere, but the memory is a blur; you were emotionally unavailable to the experience. Now bring it forward and see where you won’t allow yourself to feel your feelings during some activity, especially with other people. Where are you guarded?

It took me a long time to see all the ways I could numb out or duck and hide from an experience, and for the most part it was from a lack of clarity. Making commitments I didn’t want to make, but feeling compelled to do it because of some expectation.

Commitments run the gamut in life. Even if we state a commitment, how much of us emotionally actually shows up?

Are you 100% together when you show up for your job, or is it just a part of you, similar to a robot, devoid of emotions? We often do this when we don’t want to make a decision to change something in our life. We emotionally check out!

We intellectualize all the different parts of our lives, including our relationships with other people. We only allow a part of ourselves to show up, keeping some aspect held back. And then we wonder how we draw other emotionally unavailable people to our lives! How is it we don’t see ourselves in that light? Well, for most of us, we think we are fine. Our self-perception is that we have love to offer, but in reality, we have as much junk in the way as the next person.

Being emotionally unavailable means we cannot experience fulfillment, not only through our relationships, but anywhere.

I knew a guy who was performing in triathlons. It gave him the opportunity to check out emotionally from his life and just focus on training. After each race he would do okay–not winning, but not at the bottom of the cellar. He felt empty, alone and not sure what to do with himself. He had given everything ‘he felt he had’ to the race, but in reality, he only gave the part that was available within him.

Had he been fully present to the experience, he would’ve proceeded to connect himself openly and readily to this endeavor, feel his feelings, which would’ve been fulfilling whether he won or lost. Instead he had just invested in avoiding other parts of his life he didn’t want to change.

Deprivation and Distraction

Think about all the times you’ve said no to something, which you’ve deeply longed for yourself. Perhaps even to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but fear took over and shut down your emotional aspiration. All the intellectual rationale kept you from being available to what you really fancied.

Or how about the fear of failure? Most of us put cushioning or something in between us and the possibility of failure. We don’t want to feel it, so we try to protect ourselves, only to find we can’t let go of that loss as times goes on.

We may keep ourselves eternally busy with crazy schedules and no time to do what we want. Or even if we have time, perhaps we’re tired or feel guilty doing something that would make us happy. We end up settling for activities that will numb us out, keep us distracted from feeling our lives.

All of these examples of emotional unavailability don’t include the true pain we feel when we let fear lead, pushing our heart into a cage, hoping someone or something will break it free. Except it doesn’t work that way.

When we don’t allow ourselves to truly feel, to truly experience, to say yes to having courage, we stay unavailable to the fruits that life has to offer.

How do we become emotionally available?

1. Get honest about what you do to avoid your true feelings and start connecting to yourself.
2. Look for where fear resides and what belief you have that tells you that you cannot have what you truly want. Once you understand what drives you to keep yourself cut off, you can make steps to challenge those walls.
3. Say yes to what you really want. Don’t allow the excuses derived from fear to rule you. Life is just an experience, so go out and live it!
4. Trust yourself, even if something is a disappointment and you feel hurt. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings and go in the direction of vulnerability will steer you clear of regrets. Even if you fail, at least you did it!
5. Check into what is important to you emotionally. Find the time for it, whatever form that self-care is, it will lead you to living a more fulfilling life from the inside out.

How do you distance yourself emotionally and short-change your joy? We all have our tactics. I’d love to hear what you’re willing to share in the comments.

5 Ways We Avoid Pleasure And 5 Ways To Stop

I’ve asked myself the following questions:

Do you ever notice what you put up with in your life? And if you do, what is your next move? Do you just fall back into the same ol’ pattern, the rut, waiting for something to change outside of you?

I’ve done it, especially when I’ve been so attached to not losing something or someone. I just quiet the voice screaming at me in my head to move on, get out or do something about my situation. Even going so far as to believe no one else notices my misery or disconnect.

People can tell all is not well when we try to hide it; fear can keep us bound in chains, never really experiencing life at the visceral level. Instead we have small pleasantries, escapes, or ways of just not dealing, which also keep us from experiencing real pleasure.

Who avoids pleasure?

Most people who think they have to earn it, wait for it, be given it, settle for less, or believe it’s elusive, fall into the category of avoiders.

How about you, do you know how you avoid pleasure? Check out the following to see if this might just be you.

1. Attachment- Not knowing why you need a person, place or thing that causes you pain while doling out tiny increments of pleasure can keep you in a bad relationship, job, friendship, car, living situation and so on. You wish with all of your being that you weren’t in the situation because you feel helpless to get out… so you miss out on real pleasure, joy and invest further in pain.
2. Sacrifice and suffering- Another opportunity to cut off from pleasure is by seeking sacrifice for the good of others (who don’t usually appreciate it) and at a cost to yourself. Suffering goes hand in hand because you feel it is the only option–the way you learned that life is always a struggle.
3. Distrust- It’s not just distrusting another person, its a basic distrust that life is good. You may feel unsafe or wondering what shoe will drop next and when you live that way, it’s all you see. You may even try to keep a step ahead by anticipating the next issue or loss. This keeps you in a constant cycle where there’s no positive change.
4. Limitations and impossibilities- If you believe that all that’s possible for you in this life is right where you are, then you find little to no pleasure in life. You don’t believe it can be more or that you have the ability to make it happen. Your self-worth is low and what you may have wanted for yourself seems to have passed you by. Limited thinking means limited opportunities. Your perception keeps you in this prison with no key.
5. Giving up on what you always wanted- Perhaps you wanted that relationship with someone who gets you, or you wanted that career, but didn’t believe you were good enough and so you gave up. You said ‘no’ to risk, to going for it and decided to settle for less rather than moving forth and believing you deserved to have what you deeply desired. Where’s the pleasure in living this way?

Any of those scenarios fit you?

If so, here’s a short list on ways to wake up out of your painful slumber and immediately be on the road to having some pleasure in your life.

1. Learn about yourself- Develop your self-awareness so you can understand what keeps you attached, stuck and suffering. Dig deep. Learn where these patterns of attachment started and why you fear loss enough to keep pleasure at bay. Once you start understanding yourself better, you will have opened up a new path which leads to having more pleasure.
2. Make different choices- Many decisions are made on auto-pilot; you may not realize why you make the decisions you do or how your old feelings influence a current situation. When you’re faced with a choice, ask if it is pain-producing decision or a pleasure-inducing one.
3. Trust yourself- It’s never really about what’s outside of you that you need to trust. You need to learn to trust your own emotional resilience in the face of disappointment. It’s to understand that you choose how you perceive events outside of you and that you can handle when things don’t go your way. In the end, coming from trust within leads you to trusting what is outside of you too. And with that you open to more pleasure in your world.
4. Get out of your own way- Watch how your mind limits you. It’s trying to protect you and not allow you to experience anything outside of your comfort zone. Getting uncomfortable with taking action that you would never normally do can lead to unlimited, expansive thoughts in your head. As you say ‘yes’ to life and living, being uncomfortable becomes the norm and pleasure is found in those moments when you realize you got out of the way and possibilities abound!
5. Stop playing it safe- Risk it! You can always change your mind, but it really is about living from your heart. Where’s your passion? When you live this daily, pleasure courses through you and the contrast you experience when you look back at how you said yes to misery will assure you that you’re on the right path now with every risk you take. Even when things don’t go your way you’ll know it is temporary and automatically shift your focus to what turns you on rather than what weighs you down.

Want more on avoiding pleasure and inviting pain? Please check out my radio show.

Benefits Of Unhappiness

I had a client, Sara, who has been married a few times and was in a long term relationship.

She felt that she left her marriages prematurely, so she was determined to stick with this dysfunctional relationship until the end.

Her sessions would start off with a rant about her mate. She rattled off situations, which irritated her and focus on his glaring shortcomings, so I would seek to understand her point, by asking questions.

Questions such as:

1. So, what you’re saying is, he takes no responsibility and blames you for the issues in your relationship?
2. Okay, he doesn’t validate your feelings? Or he invalidates what you think and feel?
3. Oh, so what you’re saying is everything is his fault and you’re the victim?
4. Um, so you do or you don’t want to leave him?
5. Huh, alright…so what you’re saying is everything is really okay?

Venting?

Complaining?

What did she really want?

She wanted to remain in her unhappiness, because it’s where she knew how to function.

She wasn’t looking for change; she operated by talking in circles, because changing her circumstances, meant having to look inside and take responsibility for her misery. Instead it was easier to play the victim in her life story.

Sara never saw herself as a victim, she’s tough! She’ll kick ass!

She defended her disempowerment and her life with a mate who didn’t really get her….one where she felt stifled, misunderstood, apathy, unhappy and not thriving.

She didn’t want it to change.

At the end of her tirade, I’d ask a simple question, again, so I understood where she was coming from, and she’d launch into a litany of reasons to defend her circumstances.  She ALWAYS had an answer for all the issues she blew up about in her rant, those problems were OKAY–she’d say, “it’s just the way it is and nothing will change!” It was all a big ‘whatever’ or ‘okay’ or ‘who cares’ whenever I’d ask if she planned on staying disempowered and miserable.

She liked being stuck right where she was, it served her.

Another thing Sara would do to show she wasn’t a victim in her eyes, is she could predict his behavior or what would happen in the future.

When people tell me the details about what another person is going to do, I don’t congratulate them. Instead, I point out three things:

1. The focus is on the other person, not YOU, yourself–where it needs to be.
2. You, me and everyone else are the creators of our own lives; it’s not really a prediction you’re making about your mate, it’s what you help to create, because of how YOU show up in the relationship too.
3. When you predict your mate’s words or actions in a negative light, and you feel angry, you’ve given them YOUR power–you’re a victim.

Not pretty, but choosing to live in a constant state of strategy, so you’re ‘perception’ is proven right by your predictions, its a way of numbing out the pain.

The benefit is to remain in this comfort zone.

No change will happen.

In Sara’s case, she could predict it all, be angry or apathetic, because deep down inside she feared nothing better was out there.

No one stays unhappy unless there’s a benefit. Having no interest in looking inside of yourself, as to why you’re not happy and being willing to do something about it…means the benefit of misery outweighs the desire for change.

It’s not about changing other people.

I’ve had many people like Sara, pissed off and feeling motivated to do something, until they see the ‘something’ they must do takes them out of the ‘control’ position (comfort zone).

The drama they complain about keeps them in control of their shitty situation. If they released their partner from being responsible for their unhappiness, they’d be face to face with their fear.

The benefit to being unhappy outweighs the fear of change when you do the following:

1. Make excuses.
2. Argue and defend your position.
3. Bitch about your circumstances, but eschew any new solution.
4. Control through manipulation (most people do not see how they do this)
5. Resistance inside and outside is familiar and where you live most of the time.

How do you switch gears and take into account your delight in your misery, so you can let go, move through and find your inner happiness?

To start with….

1. Stop excuses–when you hear them come up in your mind, QUESTION THEM. Ask yourself what the truth is under the excuse.
2. Feel the fear of losing an argument, of being wrong and see that its a perception, not an absolute truth. When you stop defending, and realize you CANNOT convince someone else or yourself of your position…you may feel a loss of control, allow it…and feel the freedom from the perspective underneath it.
3. Stop the complaining. It is a merry go round of energy in your mind–a loop–stop it and ask it’s purpose? All it does is distract you from you and what your real cause of unhappiness is at the moment.
4. Stop focusing on other people and what they do or don’t do, and figure out what you’re doing and WHY. Not because someone is causing you to do something, but what is YOUR real motivation?
5. Resistance….it persists, until you move yourself out of that position. Why do you you feel it must be the way you see it? Is there another way?

 

 

A Perfect Life

What is a perfect life?

Usually the definition we give to someone else. A life we observe and think, ‘wow’ they have it all!

Many of us may not compare out of jealousy or envy, we may be looking to someone as an image of a goal that we want too. Or, we can use the comparison to beat ourselves up with and constantly feel less deserving.

We may even feel like we’re a complete and total failure when we look at someone who we think has it more together, got lucky or seems to live a charmed existence.

The perfect life only has validity as allowing our imperfections (and life’s curveballs) to co-exist with what we deem good enough. It’s to accept the whole as is and see the beauty.

Once we accept things as they are, right now, we can then look at what we want to create from there (otherwise the focus is on what isn’t working) and live into that goal.

For a reality check, into what we deem ‘perfect’ is usually far off the mark. We know this is true, every time a new story about a public figure with their carefully constructed image, has been turned on its head.

For many of us, we can look in our own neighborhoods, Facebook, the office or anywhere in the world for carefully constructed images that are really less than true.

Living a life of a carefully designed image is actually one of quiet desperation.

It takes a lot of energy to pretend and there is the constant pursuit for what will fill the void, which in turn creates a wider gap from who the person really is, and who they display themselves to be.

And sometimes these same people may confess the partial truth or something, which makes them seem more attainable to connect with, only to have them quickly withdraw back into their carefully cultivated images.

Often the people we idealize, who we think live a perfect Facebook post life (I heard this somewhere and thought it was pretty funny) are often not really living what they post 24/7. They have their own crap too.

Everyone has crap, it’s been said and yet what is it that makes us think someone else’s crap is less toxic than our own?

Perhaps, someone is more successful than us in certain parts of their lives (or it just looks more successful). Realistically, there’s something to be said for luck, timing, and being in the right place at the right time. Not that it’s the entire picture, because to achieve luck, we have to be ‘open’ to opportunities, which might be a risk.

A risk in getting out of our comfort zone.

Something, which may look unfamiliar and not like a true opportunity, could be the game changer for us. And yet, some of us will keep right on playing it safe, stuck in the discomfort of what we already know.

Fear is a fucker.

People with carefully constructed images live in a lot of fear too. We all experience it, because we’re human, the difference is to live a perfect life we must be authentically who we are…living our truth.

Authenticity leads us to wholeness, which in turn creates a perfect life, not an idealized version or everything we touch turns to gold, but one we can just own and love it!

A perfect life has nothing to do with what we own or what we present to the world.

A perfect life may include the following:

1. Acceptance and forgiveness: Really accepting all of our mistakes; decisions we made from fear or lack and everything that never worked out and then forgiving it.

2. Love: Once we do number 1, number 2 is easier…we see the flaws in others and love them for it too. The more love we have for ourselves, the more compassion we have for the world.

3. Honesty: First figure out what you deny, push away or don’t want to admit to yourself….and then live that truth. Hardest on this list to do for some of us.

4. Fun: Daily.

5. Doing what you love everyday, even if it is for 10 minutes. It keeps us connected to our internal joy.

6. Making happiness our own responsibility: It is not the validation of others, which leads to a perfect life…if anything this will keep us settling for the small and perhaps, bread crumbs we’ve learned to survive on regularly. It’s to create the boundaries, which matter and we live to them first. Deciding our YES and our NO based on our desires, not pleasing someone at our expense–so they give us back something (or owe us); it gives clarity.

7. Let go. Whatever you beat yourself up with or hold hostage….release it. Get rid of the image of perfection as an idealized life.

Whatever we resist persists, so as long as we stand against something it will continue to be the issue and hold our focus. A perfect life is to be completely in love with it all, no matter where we currently stand.

Change and What We Really Truly Want–Can It Be?

In my line of work, people show up on my doorstep ‘wanting’ change in their lives.

We talk about it, perhaps they even sign up for some mentoring sessions. What happens next is indicative of how committed this person is to change.

How much do we really want change?

Some of my clients, past and present, are just looking for a new way to manipulate others and their environment, so they don’t really have to change.

Others are so committed to taking action and yet, still refrain from moving too fast, or too much in the direction they truly want to go….and so, a tremendous amount of push and pull exists inside of each one.

It’s not that there’s something wrong with an individual….it’s how deeply we’re in fear of the unknown and how committed we are to struggle, sacrifice and expectations.

If a person is ‘really’ desiring change, it helps to have someone like me to provide a flashlight into the darkness; a different perspective and accountability (though not as an authority figure, because it’s not about inspiring MORE guilt).

What does all this mean?

Change is a bitch. We can wallow in pain, commit to struggle–hoping we’ll win the battle; the biggest obstacle to change is we get caught up in our own and others’ expectations…and thrive on that validation. In the case of the unknown, we don’t know what will happen if we change;  we cannot control the circumstances, so we stay right where we are…..and wake up each day with a sense of safety and feeling crappy at the same time.

I know this paradox, I’ve found myself there before….and felt I couldn’t relinquish certain things, until I had enough pain, enough struggle and in turn, no longer gave a shit what I would lose or what the unknown would provide….I was just ready for different….better….and to really live my truth.

Many of us will just complain or think ‘this is just how I am’ and stay there until our last day.

Our truth is who we are beneath all the beliefs, we developed over the years.

We started our life in that truth.

We were exposed to an environment and gave the words/actions of others in those early years, ‘meaning’.

Whether we observed their interactions with others, or how we were treated and then we decided (because we have an innate physiology to belong) to ‘act’ in ways that would bring us love, attention, validation, etc…we developed these strategies and figured they were a part of us. “I will bring home straight A’s, because I get attention, love and validation. I will rebel, because I don’t want to end up like my Mom or Dad.” And so on.

We carry this forth and create new beliefs on top of these flimsy beliefs. We re-create the same situations over and over, because it’s how we learned to survive. These beliefs make our worlds smaller the older we get.

Reading my words and others, self-help books, etc….can help to light the spark, but it only takes us so far.

Many of us will just keep reading words we agree with, which make us feel better for a moment and yet, won’t do anything that scares us (by taking action) to commit to what we say we want.  We hold back. We find that the comfort zone of being stuck is good enough for now, we can keep surviving it.

We may start working with a coach, mentor or therapist and drop after a few sessions, thinking ‘we got this’ or nothing is working (NOTHING WILL WORK, IF WE ‘OURSELVES’ TAKE NO ACTION) and the truth is it’s our own resistance. It’s what we’re willing to risk through taking different action; it’s how we’re willing to be open to our own happiness and it’s that we can handle the loss that it will surely bring.

What if we change so much and our partner stays the same? Is the relationship done?

Loss is not always in the form of another person leaving; it may be the disappointment we feel others will have, because we’ve let them down. Fearing loss of validation for the ‘self’ we built to be accepted and loved; it’s the loss of this facade we fear, because who will we be then?

Many of us have carefully constructed personas…the perfect family man, the exceptional business woman, the good mom, the single guy, the marrying type, etc… and as miserable as we’re in the roles ‘we’ created, we’ll stay in resistance to any change to them, until the pain of living in it, exceeds the pain and fear of change.

To change we have to commit, it’s not a matter of getting others on board. We are responsible for ourselves, period.

We need help in getting there, real help–but we have to be open to it.

If we’re going to argue and be resistant to someone helping us, then we’re not ready (so don’t do it), because we can’t hear and seek approval that we’re perfect where we are, therefore we resist help. We’re too smart to be unaware, or missing something. We know it all. And if this is the case, why are we stuck? Why do we try to portray something we don’t feel deep down inside?

Because change is scary and admitting that we have a problem with how we live is even scarier.

We can do it on our own, but it’s a longer and harder road…..(I’ve done it alone and believed “I’m so transformative, I’m so enlightened, etc…”) and it’s harder to call bullshit on ourselves.

In planning new year’s resolutions, please keep asking: “How committed am I to change?” “How committed am I to losing control of this image, of possible relationships, of how others perceive me?” “How uncomfortable am I willing to be, because I have to TAKE ACTION, not just read or think about it?”

And if we cannot answers those questions, in 100% commitment, then we’re just not ready to really go where we want…….yet. There’s no linear path, there’s no accountability, there’s no beating ourselves up to provide an answer. It really comes back to the pain of where we are right now NOT outweighing the pain/fear of where we want to be…..

Who’s a victim? Not me.

People get uncomfortable, when addressing a few tactics they have to gain attention, or ways they blame other people for the state of their affairs or how they constantly wait for someone to show up or take action; they cringe, because I bring up the word victim. No one wants to see themselves as a victim.

No one.

There’s a certain power in being a victim.

A way to seemingly control others.

Our society constantly invokes victimization as the way to live.

Specifically, if we’re not paying attention, we end up on the drama triangle (the three points are the victim, rescuer and perpetrator). Most soap operas, love songs, fairy tales and movies have the triangle as the story arc and we get hooked into thinking this is some sort of reality; we buy into it.

And….just for fun….when we’re on this triangle, we usually switch points, sometimes we’re rescuer in the same situation or persecutor with the same person.

Unfortunately, living as a victim is something many of us do unconsciously. 

It shows up insidiously.

In deriving a strange pleasure from someone mistreating us, we get oddly excited (if we’re honest), because we’re getting our power back from them.

We induce guilt. Guilt is a master manipulator. Manipulation gives a false sense of control. Next time, pay attention to someone ‘fucking-up’ and how we now feel we can punish them for what they have done. Sound familiar?

It’s really a painful way to live, usually we’re completely oblivious to this being a pattern…we think it’s just ‘how we feel.’

It’s a cycle, in which, we think, ‘if only they would change, or I’m always waiting for them to do blah, blah, blah,’ except, we don’t really want them to, it would defeat the purpose of us being able to stay as a victim…‘poor us’ against this brute of a human being.

Being a victim is a strategy. We learned it when we were young. It’s a way of getting something, attention, or blaming someone (or something) else for how we feel. If we hold something outside of us accountable, we falsely believe, we’ll feel better than if we take responsibility.

As a kid, it helped in getting love, attention, value, or to not be abandoned…though, these were just strategies, GIVING the ‘appearance’ of having power.

Many of us still use the same strategies, we had as small children…we’ve had years of re-affirming beliefs about ourselves, which keep us locked into this victim dynamic.

In reality, we should not try to wield power over another.

Empowerment doesn’t come from others being accountable to us or being locked in a power struggle. We never do have power over anyone or anything permanently. Ever.

Perhaps, we get an apology, or someone tries to make up for being a jerk….we still never really feel fulfilled and the other person, more than likely is sitting on a land mine of resentment toward us. It’s an inauthentic way to live, which means we will always feel shitty and as though, something is missing, almost all the time.

Who does this triangle actually work for and how do we get off?

It works for those who see no other way. And by ‘it works’ what I mean, is they continue to survive their lives, never really living. Their voice is null and void, unless it’s whining, complaining, manipulating or looking at us as though we just beat up a puppy. This is not happiness…and it’s not the road there either.

The first action is to hold ourselves accountable. Screw holding anyone else (even if they do what we want today—tomorrow they can do something else-WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE) accountable. Look at where we blame someone else for a shitty situation. What is our part? Why do we allow it? What are we really trying to get? And what do we want outside of us to change?

The second action is to ACCEPT. Look at everything as it is, good, bad and ugly. Just say OKAY, because wishing it or someone would change–is like staring at a mountain and wanting it to be a moose.

The third action is keep trying to accept and notice where the resistance inside of us is located. What don’t we like about the situation? Where is that reflected within us? Find the pain. The outside is a reflection of our inner world…whatever we resist, persists…so we start loving ourselves as we are and we feel more peaceful.

The fourth is to see our truth. Where do we lie to ourselves? What makes us think this is the way to survive? Can we see another way by taking responsibility and making choices, in alignment with our heart? Love is always there—the more we love ourselves, the more we can actually listen to our truth.

Fifth action, comes from knowing number 4, 3, 2 and 1. Set boundaries. Decide what is acceptable to us and what we want our life to look like…then, WE MUST LIVE INTO IT. It’s not up to others to respect our boundaries first, it’s up to us. And boundaries are NOT walls or something to beat others up with, boundaries are a statement of our standards for living. Period.

 

This relationship just isn’t fun!

This relationship just isn’t fun!

My adult daughter uttered that statement to me, as she was describing a text conversation with her ex-boyfriend. I thought about what she said, as much as she loved him and he still loved her, what he was doing at the moment was not fun.

She hit the magic word, “fun.”

Not to get in to the whole story, but he had been remiss in mentioning he was in a relationship when he reached out to her. He actually had reached out to her several times since their initial break up with words of love,  reminiscing about how amazing their relationship had been and missing her….and had actually seen her too.

My daughter was looking at the entire situation and his current relationship, which he had admitted he was settling for and exclaimed, it was not fun! Her whole perspective had changed. Sure, she remembered the great times, BUT to her, how he had changed was not appealing to her.

How many people are decisive in this way when it comes to their happiness? So many of us struggle to stay where it is not fun!

He was allowing his girlfriend to force him into sending messages to my daughter, because she clearly perceived her as a threat. Unfortunately, it’s a way to delude oneself into a sense of control. As most of us know, this is not fun, because she will be faced with the loss again at some point in the future. Remember folks, when we force our control on someone else, we are trying to hold onto something and not suffer a loss. And inevitably, we do lose, whether it is now or 20 years in the future.

Meanwhile, the awesome state of mind my daughter was holding is that she wanted nothing to do with the drama. Even with the barrage of text messages, which were meant to make her feel bad; she wasn’t taking it personally. Her only response at this point was one word, “okay.” No argument, just acknowledgement that his message was received.

I asked her if she felt like saying anything else. She said “no, I’ve stated things several times and he is going to do whatever he chooses to do,” she had let go. And she felt her ex wasn’t any fun anymore, that whatever fun there had been was gone.

Now, I am not placing judgment of right or wrong in this situation, just stating the obvious. What got me was the “fun.” How many of us get caught up in trying to win or have what we think we want, and there is no fun in it, only pain? Why do we want to hold onto someone when they clearly are not heart and soul in the relationship with us? Is this fun?

We can become so afraid of loss, that we act in ways, which constrict rather than expand. Love is expansive, attachment is to shrink. And a great indicator of where we are at between love and attachment is how much fun we’re having!

I receive emails everyday from people who are trying to let go of attachment to someone where there is not fun and pain is the overriding feeling, and they still hold on tightly. It is not that they are crazy or something is wrong with them, it is where they are placing a need for validation.

To also be clear, it is not that we need to have an expectation of fun as a  24/7 thing. In a healthy relationship, even when things are challenging, we can still be friends and have the goal of not allowing obstacles to destroy all the fun.

The need for validation, to fill an empty place in us or to be rescued can keep us in a relationship where fun is a rarity or completely missing, or it can keep us pining over someone we are no longer with…

And so, if we want to have fun in a relationship and on our own, we have to get clear in how we consistently support our own actions, which are not about fun.

Where do we control? Do we seek the answers inside or on the outside?

Do we want others to bend to our will, so we feel better?

These are questions to ask ourselves when our actions support our pain. Everyone deserves to have fun, in and out of a relationship…if you need help getting there, please let me know, info@tracycrossley.com