The Mystery Of Synchronicity

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How are you?

Me?

I’ve been in the midst of a growth spurt in my perspective, spirituality and old emotional limitations.

It means hunkering down, as I follow the flow of my energy and pay attention to where I’m to focus intuitively rather than where I would normally spend my time. Meaning, I tend to spend a great deal of my free time with myself–reading, meditating, writing, letting go of blocks (including pain), and working with other people who guide me to see what I cannot see in myself.

The more I stay connected, the more abundant I feel within, and the result is amazing change in all parts of my life. Stories which blow my heart and soul!

Recently I purchased a couple of courses for the purpose of up-leveling my energy in the area of abundance (one topic I struggled with for YEARS!).

The course isn’t something I would recommend, though I share it because of a couple funny, synchronistic surprises that surfaced yesterday.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

When it comes to synchronicity, I look at events and words spoken by others. I stopped searching for signposts in the form of billboards, license plates, discarded trash or anything else which I would try to forcefully derive meaning from.

Sometimes we are looking for excuses to stay where we are and can interpret all sorts of signs in and around us.

In the case of the funny little surprises yesterday, it started when one of the questions in the course wanted me to recognize where synchronicity showed up in my life. Asking if certain number combinations showed up, such as the ones mentioned by the authors as 111. For them personally, this number combo was validation, they were in a place of total alignment in their lives.

I used to look at the clock at exactly 10:13, my birth date, but its been a long time since I noticed… along with 11:11 or any other number combinations.

I sat there scratching my head and thinking about possibilities. There was the sleeping homeless guy I left a bottle of water for and wondered if he got it when he woke up. I asked my higher power for confirmation, which I received, in a way, which raised the hair on my neck, because it was pretty cool.

I notice when I don’t force things, everything I need shows up in a timely manner… but could I say anything else about synchronicity right now? Hmmm.

I happened to be driving on the freeway yesterday and noticed a Uhaul (I’m in the midst of house hunting), and an illustration on the side of it stated “Baffin Islands”…I thought to myself, that’s weird!

I’ve been reading The Science of Getting Rich over and over for the past six months. On those pages (which I read earlier in the day) was a reference to Baffin Bay, which I had never heard of prior to reading this book. I felt that moment of yes, I’m on the right path, headed in the right direction and will be moving where I want (um… not to Greenland, which is where Baffin Bay is located).

I could be stretching, but this was so in my consciousness that intuitively I knew it was a sign.

Later that night, as I was driving home from a friend’s home, I happened to look down at my dashboard and realized the humor of the Universe. My Acura (the first car I’ve paid off and held onto without trading it in) hit the mileage 111,111. Yup! It was the numbers in the coursework assignment, which the authors loved… times two! Not sure of the meaning for myself, except knowing where I am and what I’m doing are exactly where I am supposed to be now.

So…synchronicity. It’s the meaning you give it. Sometimes it is an unmistakable, in-your-face sign and other times it is only a subtle confirmation that you’re headed where you want to go. Now and in the future.

Do you ever look at the clock when it’s your birthday, or see other numbers appear over and over again? Do you assign meaning to it, or just shrug it off as a coincidence? Please share in the comments!

 

Holding Back and Depriving Your Joy

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I don’t know about you, but I find the source of most of my issues start and end with me. 

If I have fear and chicken out, I will definitely regret it.

If I fail and kick my own butt, I will feel worse.

If I am empty whether I am alone or not, I am cut off from myself.

All three statements also show me where I am unavailable in my own life. I am cut off from the joy or pain of an experience because anything that stands in the way of my emotional experience means I’m unavailable in some capacity–even though I may feel something, like torture or fleeting joy.

The problem when I say yes to some activity or action is that everything emotionally turns off inside of me. Do you know what I mean? You promise to do something. It could be fun like going on vacation, attending an event or being with someone you love or like. BUT there’s a part of you missing. The part which holds back from the full experience.

The reasons vary, but there’s a withholding of emotional connection just in case it doesn’t work, something goes wrong and it is necessary to remain invulnerable.

Have you experienced this in your own life?

Not Being Present

Look back at times when you were present somewhere, but the memory is a blur; you were emotionally unavailable to the experience. Now bring it forward and see where you won’t allow yourself to feel your feelings during some activity, especially with other people. Where are you guarded?

It took me a long time to see all the ways I could numb out or duck and hide from an experience, and for the most part it was from a lack of clarity. Making commitments I didn’t want to make, but feeling compelled to do it because of some expectation.

Commitments run the gamut in life. Even if we state a commitment, how much of us emotionally actually shows up?

Are you 100% together when you show up for your job, or is it just a part of you, similar to a robot, devoid of emotions? We often do this when we don’t want to make a decision to change something in our life. We emotionally check out!

We intellectualize all the different parts of our lives, including our relationships with other people. We only allow a part of ourselves to show up, keeping some aspect held back. And then we wonder how we draw other emotionally unavailable people to our lives! How is it we don’t see ourselves in that light? Well, for most of us, we think we are fine. Our self-perception is that we have love to offer, but in reality, we have as much junk in the way as the next person.

Being emotionally unavailable means we cannot experience fulfillment, not only through our relationships, but anywhere.

I knew a guy who was performing in triathlons. It gave him the opportunity to check out emotionally from his life and just focus on training. After each race he would do okay–not winning, but not at the bottom of the cellar. He felt empty, alone and not sure what to do with himself. He had given everything ‘he felt he had’ to the race, but in reality, he only gave the part that was available within him.

Had he been fully present to the experience, he would’ve proceeded to connect himself openly and readily to this endeavor, feel his feelings, which would’ve been fulfilling whether he won or lost. Instead he had just invested in avoiding other parts of his life he didn’t want to change.

Deprivation and Distraction

Think about all the times you’ve said no to something, which you’ve deeply longed for yourself. Perhaps even to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but fear took over and shut down your emotional aspiration. All the intellectual rationale kept you from being available to what you really fancied.

Or how about the fear of failure? Most of us put cushioning or something in between us and the possibility of failure. We don’t want to feel it, so we try to protect ourselves, only to find we can’t let go of that loss as times goes on.

We may keep ourselves eternally busy with crazy schedules and no time to do what we want. Or even if we have time, perhaps we’re tired or feel guilty doing something that would make us happy. We end up settling for activities that will numb us out, keep us distracted from feeling our lives.

All of these examples of emotional unavailability don’t include the true pain we feel when we let fear lead, pushing our heart into a cage, hoping someone or something will break it free. Except it doesn’t work that way.

When we don’t allow ourselves to truly feel, to truly experience, to say yes to having courage, we stay unavailable to the fruits that life has to offer.

How do we become emotionally available?

  1. Get honest about what you do to avoid your true feelings and start connecting to yourself.
  2. Look for where fear resides and what belief you have that tells you that you cannot have what you truly want. Once you understand what drives you to keep yourself cut off, you can make steps to challenge those walls.
  3. Say yes to what you really want. Don’t allow the excuses derived from fear to rule you. Life is just an experience, so go out and live it!
  4. Trust yourself, even if something is a disappointment and you feel hurt. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings and go in the direction of vulnerability will steer you clear of regrets. Even if you fail, at least you did it!
  5. Check into what is important to you emotionally. Find the time for it, whatever form that self-care is, it will lead you to living a more fulfilling life from the inside out.

How do you distance yourself emotionally and short-change your joy? We all have our tactics. I’d love to hear what you’re willing to share in the comments.

The Hardest Thing You Can Ever Do…

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Become Who I am. Become Who You Truly Are. Become Who We Truly Are.

Those statements are harder than we think.

In some situations, we’re truly who we are, honest, authentic, NOT ‘trying’ to please, get along or do things, which we don’t want to do…or put up with behaviors that really don’t interest us.

At other times, we’re totally compromised.

We can feel ourselves slipping away into the energy of someone or something else–where we don’t want to disappoint or suffer loss; feeling ourselves putting up walls, getting defensive and perhaps, becoming stubborn. Even feeling angry, or discontented and wondering why?

For myself….I “do things I don’t want to do at times, because of guilt, or I don’t want to disappoint someone.” Of course, the head trip I can beat myself up with leads me to old questions, which used to haunt me, “Will I ever belong?”

Can I ever do the right thing?

Do I always have to compromise myself and feel “eh” about doing things I don’t want to do, to either please others or fit into my role (that I cast years ago)?

Am I a curmudgeon; is it a comfort zone thing?

Now, these questions may seem funny coming from me (if you know me), because I tend to do what I want (according to others), say what I feel or think most of the time and yet, at times, I felt like I swam in a big circle and had been unconsciously trying to do the right thing (by someone else’s standards) and haphazardly doing what’s right for me.

Makes for one messy human being!!! LOL!

To be who we truly are, we have to practice awareness, first and foremost.

Even when we compromise ourselves, to be authentic is to say, “Ok, I’m doing this action, not because I want to, but because I feel guilty, or I will get validation that I’m a good egg or I promised or fill in the blank. Instead of burying it inside of us and lying to ourselves that we really want to do something, which we aren’t interested in at all.

True authenticity requires a slowing down and a connection to our inner truth. Most of us DO NOT want to do this, it’s easier or so it seems, to remain disconnected.

WHY?

We recognize there’d be change in what we do, which signifies some kind of loss. We may hate our position in life, but cling out of fear of what could happen! We know the familiar and believe on some level it’s the best we can do!

Because scarcity can cause us to cling (what if we fail as ourselves, or end up homeless or alone, etc) to the false parts of our lives, we may never become fully authentic.

No one else is to blame.

If we hold others’ responsible for our choices (even if they’re counting on us–they cannot force us), we will never be true to ourselves.

Being authentic is:

  • Taking full responsibility for what we say and do.
  • Remaining connected to our desires and needs (and acting on them).
  • Speaking our truth.
  • Not pretending.
  • Not purposely seeking validation from others.
  • Doing the right thing for ourselves.
  • Risking what is false or constricting to discover our deeper truth.
  • Committing to our happiness.
  • Facing scarcity down, by letting go, getting uncomfortable and believing WE deserve an abundance of opportunities.
  • Allowing those we’ve known, to be their authentic selves.
  • Opening to a new tribe of people.
  • Living our true dreams.
  • Say yes when we mean yes, no when we mean no. (and when we don’t–don’t deny it)
  • Treat ourselves how we want to be treated–always!
  • AND ACCEPT YOURSELF, MYSELF, OURSELVES just as we are!!!!

For me, I keep heading toward more and more risks that scare the crap out of me, but I know the way I’ve gotten here, isn’t how I want to continue.

My own evolution is reflected personally and professionally.

I started a new radio show, not cuz it’s a great business move (who knows), but because it brings me joy! I’m going to start life-changing retreats for my clients, which include hiking, certain modalities of getting into deeper exploration leading to authentic change in my clients…why? Because it turns me on (rather than just thinking about it FOREVER and staying in some miserable place of settling–not going for it) and in doing what I LOVE in all parts of my life, it changes–there’s loss, but the gain is so much sweeter…I just have to put the seatbelt on and be present for the ride!!!

There are so many other things I am creating, including an online dating profile to put myself out there and possibly meet my partner in crime! 🙂

How about you?

How To Change Your Life Forever.

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For most of us, it can be pretty exhilarating to start a new job, a new relationship, find a new place to live, make new friends, join in new activities and take off on new adventures. All of this can play in shaping our perspective of possibilities, which some believe determines ‘who they are as a person.’

So, when these outside events change–we make a judgment, which alters our perception of our possibilities.

Julie thought her new job would be the answer to her unhappy home life. She saw herself enjoying the perks this company offered, including travel to other countries. It was her dream job!

At first, she was caught up in the excitement of the ‘new’ and the ability to be removed from her home life on a semi-regular basis. About three months into her job, she noticed she felt pretty much the same as she did, before she took the job…in fact, she felt worse.

Julie hated going home. It meant dealing with the circumstances that she put aside when she took the job, she thought this type of change equaled a shift in her power, and her control over her life. It didn’t.

Our circumstances are a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves, but don’t ‘define’ who we are and our possibilities. True change, causes a shift in our inner world, supported by loving action to the outer world.

We stand in the way of change by remaining focused on believing things around us must first change. This keeps possibilities limited. We may talk to our therapist or coach, vomiting our drama, feeling temporarily better, but achieving nothing new inside.

To change and perceive our lives without limitations, we must take an honest look within to understand how we don’t really act in our own best interest.

True change comes from the inside to the outside.

George came to his last session stating he wanted the key to change by the end of the session. He was frustrated and angry at his life. In the past, we discussed all the ways George could change his life, but those idea of boundaries overwhelmed him. Those options meant he might lose control of the stalemate he held in his relationship and his business, or it might offend or place him in a position of possible loss.

Change always includes loss, even if it’s an image of ‘what’s possible’ that we’re losing.

If we want change we must be willing to give up our PERCEIVED control of others and our unhappy circumstances. Expectations of keeping the status quo will influence our ability to set a new precedence.

Mark has been married for 30 years. His wife is his roommate, they haven’t had sex for 15 years. He desires an opportunity to fall in love with someone else. Mark’s afraid to leave the comfort of his situation, for the unknown…at least here he’s appreciated for mowing the lawn, cooking dinner and taking out the trash. If he creates boundaries or leaves, what will become of his life?

We need to take a risk, and get honest with ourselves. What’s the benefit to our current unhappiness and keeping the focus on everyone, but ourselves?  What are we afraid of losing if we change? Why does having a limited picture of possibilities suit us? Why do we seek struggle?

Three things that need to happen to create change forever:

  1. Consistent Honesty With Yourself.
  2. Boundaries That You Live By First.
  3. Action To Support Who You Are And What You TRULY Want.

Three Life Choices

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If you don’t like where you are, what can you do?

Join the circus? That’s a novel idea. It’d work if you have a special talent or want to learn how to be blasted like a cannonball through the air.

More or less, the common answer is to change, to do something, that would be different. And in reality-land, how often do people who are unhappy do this?

Most people don’t understand the source of their unhappiness. They’re just aware they don’t like how things are, and can’t accept it.

For things to actually change though, we have to accept ‘what is.’ By accepting it, we’re not in resistance to it and can therefore focus on what the real motivation (belief) is when we look at our unhappiness.

In gaining clarity….we can do one of three things when it comes to change.

The first is to stay in a state of resistance to change, then take flight and repeat.

Fear is the motivation for staying stuck and suffering. We may stay stuck until the pain of where we are is more than the fear of the unknown.

We let go of the outcome; we aren’t caring if our carefully constructed identity is destroyed or if rumors are true of our unrest. We just can’t stand it anymore. We need change. Now. Sometimes this lasts….other times we go running back to the safety of the ‘known’ even if it sucks.

Lack in trusting ourselves or the unknown, we seek the familiar.

We can do this our entire lives. Staying in resistance.

If we don’t go running back, we must stay connected to ourselves, experiencing change as it happens, becoming emotionally present, setting our sails completely, in a new direction.

There’s no magic symbol outside of us; we must risk and move out of our norm to have what we want…..or we’ll always get the same results.

The second choice is to incrementally take action.

We take action, piece by piece and hold our ground for that truth—it’s uncomfortable (it should be or nothing really changes) as we break a pattern.

Our pattern before taking action may be to say or desire things to be different, but the courage (strength of heart) is blocked by ‘what if’ I am wrong, ‘what if’ I destroy everything and ‘what if’ the sky falls….all is resistance. We may believe we deserve the shitty situation we’re in, until someone finally grants us the ‘approval’ to move forth. It’s a long wait, perhaps a lifetime.

Setting boundaries is taking action.

Set one at a time to break up the patterns, instead of waiting for #1 to occur. Clarity on what’s important, which we’re currently NOT standing for in our lives and then live into that boundary. Make it real. Want respect? Respect ourselves first.

Take action through the resistance. Don’t resist resistance, allow it to be, acknowledge it and move through it by focusing on the goal. Small goals and one boundary at a time empower us to make more changes. Leading to #3.

Third, Continuous action.

Say yes when we mean it, no when we mean it.

Don’t prove anything to anyone…become free.

Stop blaming others. Stop blaming ourselves

Get out of the box.

Think of taking self-inspired (desired emotion) action as helping everyone.

In staying stuck, everything is a holding pattern, including other people. They’re stuck with us right where we are….until someone has courage.

Start taking action (big or small-consistency matters) as a benefit to ourselves and others—KEEP IT GOING. Continuously doing what our heart desires— sitting with the urge to return to the status quo, the comfort zone….the longer we sit (not resist) with the urge and view it realistically…the farther we get from comfort and the more solid our NEW beliefs become, our neuropathways in our brain will start to rewire themselves through continuous inspired action. It becomes the new norm.

Change and What We Really Truly Want–Can It Be?

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In my line of work, people show up on my doorstep ‘wanting’ change in their lives.

We talk about it, perhaps they even sign up for some mentoring sessions. What happens next is indicative of how committed this person is to change.

How much do we really want change?

Some of my clients, past and present, are just looking for a new way to manipulate others and their environment, so they don’t really have to change.

Others are so committed to taking action and yet, still refrain from moving too fast, or too much in the direction they truly want to go….and so, a tremendous amount of push and pull exists inside of each one.

It’s not that there’s something wrong with an individual….it’s how deeply we’re in fear of the unknown and how committed we are to struggle, sacrifice and expectations.

If a person is ‘really’ desiring change, it helps to have someone like me to provide a flashlight into the darkness; a different perspective and accountability (though not as an authority figure, because it’s not about inspiring MORE guilt).

What does all this mean?

Change is a bitch. We can wallow in pain, commit to struggle–hoping we’ll win the battle; the biggest obstacle to change is we get caught up in our own and others’ expectations…and thrive on that validation. In the case of the unknown, we don’t know what will happen if we change;  we cannot control the circumstances, so we stay right where we are…..and wake up each day with a sense of safety and feeling crappy at the same time.

I know this paradox, I’ve found myself there before….and felt I couldn’t relinquish certain things, until I had enough pain, enough struggle and in turn, no longer gave a shit what I would lose or what the unknown would provide….I was just ready for different….better….and to really live my truth.

Many of us will just complain or think ‘this is just how I am’ and stay there until our last day.

Our truth is who we are beneath all the beliefs, we developed over the years.

We started our life in that truth.

We were exposed to an environment and gave the words/actions of others in those early years, ‘meaning’.

Whether we observed their interactions with others, or how we were treated and then we decided (because we have an innate physiology to belong) to ‘act’ in ways that would bring us love, attention, validation, etc…we developed these strategies and figured they were a part of us. “I will bring home straight A’s, because I get attention, love and validation. I will rebel, because I don’t want to end up like my Mom or Dad.” And so on.

We carry this forth and create new beliefs on top of these flimsy beliefs. We re-create the same situations over and over, because it’s how we learned to survive. These beliefs make our worlds smaller the older we get.

Reading my words and others, self-help books, etc….can help to light the spark, but it only takes us so far.

Many of us will just keep reading words we agree with, which make us feel better for a moment and yet, won’t do anything that scares us (by taking action) to commit to what we say we want.  We hold back. We find that the comfort zone of being stuck is good enough for now, we can keep surviving it.

We may start working with a coach, mentor or therapist and drop after a few sessions, thinking ‘we got this’ or nothing is working (NOTHING WILL WORK, IF WE ‘OURSELVES’ TAKE NO ACTION) and the truth is it’s our own resistance. It’s what we’re willing to risk through taking different action; it’s how we’re willing to be open to our own happiness and it’s that we can handle the loss that it will surely bring.

What if we change so much and our partner stays the same? Is the relationship done?

Loss is not always in the form of another person leaving; it may be the disappointment we feel others will have, because we’ve let them down. Fearing loss of validation for the ‘self’ we built to be accepted and loved; it’s the loss of this facade we fear, because who will we be then?

Many of us have carefully constructed personas…the perfect family man, the exceptional business woman, the good mom, the single guy, the marrying type, etc… and as miserable as we’re in the roles ‘we’ created, we’ll stay in resistance to any change to them, until the pain of living in it, exceeds the pain and fear of change.

To change we have to commit, it’s not a matter of getting others on board. We are responsible for ourselves, period.

We need help in getting there, real help–but we have to be open to it.

If we’re going to argue and be resistant to someone helping us, then we’re not ready (so don’t do it), because we can’t hear and seek approval that we’re perfect where we are, therefore we resist help. We’re too smart to be unaware, or missing something. We know it all. And if this is the case, why are we stuck? Why do we try to portray something we don’t feel deep down inside?

Because change is scary and admitting that we have a problem with how we live is even scarier.

We can do it on our own, but it’s a longer and harder road…..(I’ve done it alone and believed “I’m so transformative, I’m so enlightened, etc…”) and it’s harder to call bullshit on ourselves.

In planning new year’s resolutions, please keep asking: “How committed am I to change?” “How committed am I to losing control of this image, of possible relationships, of how others perceive me?” “How uncomfortable am I willing to be, because I have to TAKE ACTION, not just read or think about it?”

And if we cannot answers those questions, in 100% commitment, then we’re just not ready to really go where we want…….yet. There’s no linear path, there’s no accountability, there’s no beating ourselves up to provide an answer. It really comes back to the pain of where we are right now NOT outweighing the pain/fear of where we want to be…..

Power of Change

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Stagnation. Settling. Stuck-ville.

This is the norm for many of us. We may say we want more, get excited or angry about our circumstances, but hold onto it, rather than take a step toward change.

“Don’t wait for the right answer and the golden path to present themselves. This is precisely why you’re stuck. Starting without seeing the end is difficult, so we often wait until we see the end, scanning relentlessly for the right way, the best way and the perfect way. The way to get unstuck is to start down the wrong path, right now. Step by step, page by page, interaction by interaction. As you start moving, you can’t help but improve, can’t help but incrementally find yourself getting back toward your north star. You might not end up with perfect, but it’s significantly more valuable than being stuck. Don’t just start. Continue. Shift. Repeat.” ~ Seth Godin

Often when people contact me, they believe they are looking to change their circumstances. Or so they think. Until they are actually in the hot seat of having a path toward change, then many people find excuses to stay just where they are!

Change scares the bajeezus out of many of us!!!!

It’s never about the time or money, because let’s face it when we want to buy some new outfit, car, or even a house…we will find a way, if we want it bad enough! But when it comes to change, we will find excuses until the cows come home!

The key to change, as in, when most of us finally are open to the power of change, happens when we reach this point:

“When our current situation, is no longer an option, we can finally move in a different direction.”

The issue with waiting for our circumstances to be so horrible that we can no longer distract ourselves, or find comfort anywhere else, is that it is an extreme stance on keeping things the same. It’s keeping things stuck where they are, because of the fear of loss being so much greater. 

When we spend days, months and years, sacrificing, complaining and finding others to commiserate, who help us to stay stuck…we are in the process of creating regret for all the time wasted, because of our FEAR OF CHANGE.

I provide free 20 minute consultations on relationships. Most people indicate they want to work with me at the end. People get a lot out of those sessions, BUT when I mention the money to continue working together, whether it is $3.00 or several times that amount…I know, it’s an opportunity for an excuse IF THE PERSON has NOT gotten to the point, where they can NO longer live the way they are living.

Plus, after a 20 minute session, they feel they have the fuel to carry them to change on their own (at least for a few hours or a few days)….except they don’t, nothing really changes, except their growing discontent and pain.

Many of them are living in a ton of pain already, BUT prefer it to change. They have hope that somehow, some way, by waiting, holding their ground or some other form of stagnation things will miraculously work out how they want, especially in the area of love and relationships.

The Power Of Change is an opportunity.

Yes, it is unknown, if we are choosing to do something completely different than what is our usual comfort zone….we have NO IDEA what the outcome will be….

And that is what keeps us stuck, no assurance that we’ll have what we want….so we’ll stick with the shitty situation we got!

I remember when I was stuck in a relationship, I felt a connection, so strong and unbreakable that it made me NUTS! I wanted to cut it off, and did several times, but allowed it to keep coming back around several times. One day, I decided I was going to grow in this situation by COMMITTING TO MYSELF and taking risks.

My risk was not only asking myself, “What would love do,” as opposed to anger and annihilation, but what would be the most loving gesture for me to do, for me, right now? And in doing this, which made me anxious as hell, freaked out that I was losing control (even though it was to use guilt or reminding someone how much they hurt me, etc)…I had to navigate new waters.

I could not continue to waste time, energy and emotion staying stuck. The power in changing was massive. Not only did I learn to love myself, I found that when I soar ahead, either those who are also growing come along for the ride and those, who like to be stuck, stay put.

Seriously, staying stuck for the benefit of others, will NEVER GET US WHAT WE WANT!

EVER.

Finding the power in change, releases us to live more in alignment with our truth. We get closer to our dreams, in fact, where we felt it was impossible, it becomes possible!

Things stay impossible, because of our refusal to move ourselves in a different direction.

If you’re ready to change your relationship circumstances now, please contact me for a complimentary 20 minute relationship makeover session.

Please email to schedule info@Tracycrossley.com 

5 Ways to Change Your Life Today

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Want change?

Gotta take some action and shift a stuck perception

  1. Say “no” to what does not belong to you. Don’t take on other’s stuff that they’re not willing to deal with and make it your own. Give it up, give it back and say “NO,” watch as resentment disappears.
  2. Screw guilt in not taking on what doesn’t belong to you. The minute you think or feel guilt for valuing yourself, stop take a breath in and focus on loving kindness circulating through your veins. 🙂
  3. Release what died. Stop keeping a taxidermied replica of whatever relationship it is that you haven’t let go of and give it a proper burial. Moving on comes in stages, but at least for yourself accept what is now passed on to another stage and let go….free your hands up to hug yourself.
  4.  Things don’t change when you continue to keep the same perception about them. Try looking at something outside of your current view. Allow yourself to detach emotionally, if only for a moment to see other possibilities. Do this often and you’ll start to see your world open up!
  5. Every time you go to complain, to someone or out loud, pause for a moment and ask yourself what is really going on? What are you not getting right now, specifically? And what is the benefit of complaining? In the best circumstances you may want to believe you have not coerced others to do your bidding, but when you complain, you may not give much of a choice to someone. Especially, if they’re a recipient of your displeasure. They may feel they can’t catch a break and stop trying. When you have clarity on your complaints, you can start to do things differently. If you don’t like something in your living environment, change it….if you are not crazy about how you’re treated in your relationship…get clear on the real issue, make sure you’re treating you with a lot of love and then speak your truth. If it still doesn’t bring you together, then consider finding someone who does want to wear the same jersey.

Sometimes, We just Don’t Go Together Like Peanut Butter & Jam

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It happens.

We meet people.

We fall in love.

We may just meet a new friend.

Co-workers, bosses, subordinates, anywhere and everywhere we go, we relate or don’t.

People insinuate themselves in our lives, times marches on and we go from “brand new” to married, best friends, professional relationships, etc…

We develop expectations with the relationship, unspoken or spoken.

Do we speak the same language? Are we peanut butter and jam or are we peanut butter and parsley?

When we aren’t peanut butter and jam or peanut butter & peanut butter or whatever your taste, we run into problems. We may do what we can over and over, but nothing seems to change…the same issues remain, while we wait for the other person to “get it.”

They don’t, or perhaps, they twist themselves into a pretzel and become what we want….temporarily. We just ain’t relating where we’re understood.

What does this apply to:

1. Dating. When we’re dating we want to meet someone who gets us, that we’re attracted to, etc…and sometimes we meet someone who we’re physically attracted to, but who we might butt heads with…and we think, “Ok, I like these qualities, but can’t stand those other qualities, so I’ll settle right here.” This pile of undesirable qualities may include ways of understanding someone that differ; meaning I have a filter for my view of reality and what works for me…and so do you. They may be different and remain different, based on how we each receive information.

We try to make peanut butter and ham work, but we’re forever speaking different languages. What we ignore in the beginning, comes back to haunt us.

The same applies when someone disappears. Do we need to take it personally? Nope. The person who disappeared may have thought it was more like a peanut butter and asparagus sandwich rather than peanut butter and jam. They’ve saved us a painful road ahead and wouldn’t it be great to build a better sandwich with someone who’s ability to receive and deliver information is closer to our own?

2. Business “On the Job.” We don’t usually get to choose the people we work with, unless of course, we’re in charge of hiring. Sometimes, it becomes clear very rapidly that someone is difficult for us to communicate with…and perhaps, we think they’re wrong and we’re right. We may think they’re a jerk or some other label, which is one-dimensional. It’s not necessarily true, they may have a completely different perception on “everything” or items of “critical” importance than how we see it.

We may be stubborn and they may match us. It’s usually a great idea to notice the differences and try to understand them, as we would if we just landed in a country and didn’t understand the language. Have a conversation about neither being wrong, but each style being different….and then see what naturally comes about. There are times, that no matter how talented someone is, it’s peanut butter and liverwurst…the environment really doesn’t suit them and there’s no flexibility.

If we’re the one hiring, it’s prudent to recognize if we ask someone to perform a task and it always comes back incorrect or done differently than asked, that we need to take a deeper look rather than get angry.

The subordinate may be trying very hard to fulfill the request, but hears us through their filters. They may have heard us differently or imagined what we’re saying to need to be formed into what they can understand and do. It then becomes a challenge, because two languages are spoken and as the boss, a decision must be made to figure out if the “way” of doing something is worth trying to train the individual or letting go to find someone who speaks the same language.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t work on bridging a gap, but sometimes it’s better to recognize the relationship is the type of work that is so draining, it creates a value deficit.

3. Friends/Family. There are friends for a different reason, season or a lifetime, right? Family….we’re pretty much without choice…but we can choose how we approach them. There are always going to be relationships in which we don’t see eye to eye, but why beat that person up or ourselves? It’s pointless and solves nothing. If we stop and really listen to what someone is saying, we can understand what they’re trying to do. Meaning, if someone felt invisible in the family, perhaps they’re insinuating themselves in the middle of everyone’s business, so as not to be left out or the person who has an opinion that is out in left field may be trying to prove that they aren’t enough.

If we listen, we can really hear….and not that it takes one person to make a great sandwich, but we can find our common bond, our link to one another….if we really pay attention. It’s not to say that we can speak in everyone’s language, but we can begin to not take others personally and realize they’re doing the best they can too. 🙂

Transformation. What’s the Cost?

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Many of us say we want things to be different in our lives, but the loss of the familiar is way too scary.

We can stay stuck for years in non-movement, making excuses and feeling crappy. The main reason we stay there, beyond losing the familiar is we don’t know how to proceed. What’s the best course? Is there a course?

There is and it’s in our hearts. We have the map RIGHT THERE. We just have to listen and follow it, rather than analyzing, agonizing and getting stuck in our heads.

We are SO AFRAID of change, we create a life of regret. How many people stay stuck in jobs and relationships, which make them miserable? Perhaps, they’ve compartmentalized themselves so much that they block out the misery and are just numb!

Whatever bulls**t we tell ourselves, is so we can remain in the same place, never growing, expanding and really loving ourselves. The key is to be afraid, very afraid and do it anyway.

Often, we think we can walk away and close a door to someone or a situation without really allowing ourselves to feel. For some of us, we pack it away and say, “I am gonna push my way through or be SO strong that I overpower all of my emotions!”

That ain’t strength and it isn’t authentic and it leads us further away from transformation.

Transformation requires surrender, it means to stop the struggle. Yet, as people walk the ring of fire in transformation they struggle to maintain the old; the familiar. 

I know from all parts of my life what transformation really does: it’s letting go of what we grasp. Letting a new process or new way of being, becomes the way for us to expand.

In my business, I’ve struggled with finding the right coach for me. I’m a straight shooter and I find in my industry that quite a few people (not all) follow a pattern of sales, which is disturbing to me. Often, it doesn’t allow you to get what the coach really offers….there’s a promise of transformation, but it isn’t clear on how they help you. It’s hard to get intimate enough to know if it’s a solid fit.

It requires me to know two things, first I have to open myself to knowing that hiring a coach is scary, it means transformation, so I have to be aware of any possible resistance that I’m unaware of on my part (what excuses do I have to not hire them) and secondly, what’s the cost to me if I don’t hire someone to help me, to shine a light on my blind spots, so I get where I need to go?

It’s the same thing when it comes to love.

First, we have to trust ourselves to honor our boundaries and not try to please or manipulate to get what we want….and secondly, it means to become vulnerable and allow someone else to see all parts to us, because when we do, we’ve accomplished transformation. Otherwise, to remain cut off, invulnerable and being stuck in a non-loving position creates ailments across the board….and it begs the question, what is the cost to us, if we don’t allow?

None of this is as easy as writing it, because our old beliefs would like us to stay with the familiar (even if it sucks) will keep us stuck, trying to convince us to remain as we are….

Clarity in our motivation and understanding along with desire creating action to transform–is AWARENESS and the seeds to TRANSFORM. Forget talking, it’s about dancing with the unknown, stepping out of our way and embracing all that we are and will become.

Recently, I had anxiety, something which has become totally unfamiliar to me. I woke up on my birthday with it and after being in the theater watching Gravity (becoming claustrophobic, experiencing motion sickness), I had to walk out and get air. I had a friend mention all the change I was creating in my life…and I said, “yeah,” as though that wasn’t it. It wasn’t til I woke the next day feeling crazy, thinking I was losing my mind that it hit me. I wrote down all the overwhelm and my fears with change… I realized my thoughts were trying to sabotage me. My subconscious was trying to keep me stuck and unable to go forth…

Why do I share, because fear is insidious and when you’re prepared to transform, your mind will throw everything it can in the way of changing the familiar.

If you want help with transforming your life to one of pleasure, peace, happiness and overall acceptance…call me or join my newest program, I love helping others to gain the awareness/strength to LIVE THEIR DREAMS!