Chasing, Tripping And Falling Down

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Have you ever found yourself running after something? Literally or metaphorically? As in, wanting something so bad, whether it wants you or not?

It’s a single-minded attachment to having that person, place or thing, right?

Often we may hide it. No one really knows what we deeply desire and so we covertly chase after it; wishing, wanting, praying, hoping and putting immense energy to shoving it down, so we seem like we really don’t want it to the rest of the world.

But we do! We want it sooooo bad!

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do we at times openly chase something, and at other times ‘act’ like its no big deal, even though we want it just as much?

Because we feel we cannot have it.

We don’t deserve it, aren’t good enough, haven’t proven ourselves, want to appear above it–not needing (or needy), and so these deeply held shiteous beliefs run our lives delivering exactly what that barren desert ending is… the one confirming our worst fears.

Rita felt like everything was always a struggle. Her marriage had been, her kids, work, maintaining the house and the financial responsibility. It always fell on her shoulders. She divorced, moved, and was sorta, kinda, speaking up at work, BUT she still felt stuck.

She also found herself hooked on someone from her past, totally impossible to let go of and it made her crazy!

She wanted a relationship, but nothing in her life reflected one coming to her without major struggle. She felt it was too hard, not enough good men and believed she possessed some deep flaw that kept okay ones at a distance! If you met her, you wouldn’t know any of this, because she appeared to have it together!

Her energy was focused on the past guy, while she longed for a real partnership, she would chase after the old one; send him text messages, call him, ask him out and so on. He would respond once in awhile, but her hard work just didn’t yield the results.

Why did she work so hard for nothing? Chasing, tripping and falling down….and then blaming herself for her fatal flaw.

Andrea is in a relationship with someone who does not share her lifestyle, or too much of her life. He is very attentive to his own life, squeezing her in when he has time. She drops everything when he calls and anytime she brings up the state of their relationship he gets angry that she doesn’t understand where he’s at.

To her, he is better than her ex, they have fun when they are together, but she comes up empty when viewing it as a true partnership. She doesn’t feel heard, or seen and has told herself to work harder, be more available and just be patient.

She has worked at it as though it’s her last hope, embodying everything she feels is expected of her and is afraid to let go.

Both women are committed to struggle, but couldn’t see the pattern clearly. They both didn’t feel they deserved better, even though both repeated the sentiment that they deserved so much more quite often!

What about Sheila? She works hard and is successful in her career; she’s never had a real committed relationship as an adult. To others she appears to not need or want one, but to her, no matter what it seems a relationship is elusive, leaving her feeling lonely, isolated and trying to fix other people. Her deepest desire is to get married and yet she chased after her greatest success: her career.

She only knows how to chase after what she wants and has found herself tripping into a bad ending each time she does it in her personal life.

Some of us are in total denial that we want something different than what our life looks life. Fear of wanting more, keeps us from relaxing by allowing ourselves to believe we will receive what we want. Fear makes us feel greedy or that our desires are unattainable.

Fear leads us to chase.

We chase for a variety of reasons:

  • To purposely fall down, proving to ourselves we really can’t have what we want.
  • Go after the wrong people, places and things: It looks acceptable from the judgment of others, but we don’t really want any of it and don’t trust we can have what we REALLY want. Interestingly enough, when chasing what we don’t want, somehow we find ways (unconsciously) to fail, or if outside validation is extremely important we’ll succeed only to suffer a lack of fulfillment.
  • To stay busy.
  • Thinking it will solve the problem of the void within us.

On top of it–it’s a narrow vision, and it can be exhausting to be wrapped up in the intellectual pursuit of the chase. Keeping it narrow, instead of appearing to want more, gives the impression of remaining stationary, so it doesn’t threaten our relationships.

Nature desires more life everyday–it grows. If humanity didn’t want more, we’d all still be living in a cave.

How do you get more into your life without chasing it?

  1. Admit you want more, perhaps different or scary, because it may mean loss.
  2. Become visible. Most of the time if we’re chasing, we don’t have a connection to our deepest desire (not the emptiness or belief something outside of us can solve the problem), because if we did, it means we’d have to stop hiding out.
  3. Time to be available. Many of us are shut down to wanting more or what seems impossible, so we’re unavailable to actually having it. Notice where you have a wall, shield or act in opposition to the deeper desire.
  4. Relax. It’s not time to eat bonbons, but to release going after things a full time job.
  5. Oh yeah, get rid of plan B, and start living Plan A, when you do take inspired action toward what you actually want–it’s never a chase. It is taking small steps forward, in alignment with your real goal. Totally different energy, totally different outcome.
  6. Give yourself validation by building trust that you can take appropriate action for your aspirations. You can do it!

Want some help in learning what you really want and how to have it without force? Schedule a discovery session to see if we would be a good fit!

Breaking Through Inadequacy

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We all feel inadequate at times.

Perhaps, we’re in a room full of people who appear to know more in some capacity than we do, or a job interview, or a date with someone we think is out of our league, or being caught making a mistake, and so on.

How we see our perceived shortcomings has an impact on our choices.

For some we shrink and hide, looking for sympathy, perhaps wanting others to commiserate with us. Others may love support, a kick in the butt or something, which gives them the gumption to rise out of the dampening effect inadequacy has and go after the life they want.

In having a real desire, we may find ways to tell ourselves, ‘we can’t have it.’ Especially, if it seems out of the realm of ‘our possibilities.’

We may delay, or disregard our desire, because we don’t feel good enough. It doesn’t matter what we’ve accomplished so far, it applies to all of us, in every walk of life.

Many successful people, aren’t following their deeper appetites. Others, who skim the edges of success, may not find the gumption to rise out of victimizing themselves, every time they fall down and just press ‘repeat.’

Who does it serve to allow our inadequacies to hold us back?

I played small, when it came to the truth of who I am. I could do well at certain types of jobs like sales, marketing and management, but to trust the deeper longing of what I wanted, was hard to entertain.

I lacked clarity around knowing….what was my deeper desire? Why did I feel so inadequate, when I saw my life played out in those brief moments of connecting to that desire?

We tend to do what comes easily to us, whether we love it or not. Many of us fall into careers without any foresight; a job was offered and we took it.

Feeling inadequate, leads to comparing ourselves to others; seeing them as more talented, better looking, excelling at something as we stand, not sure to trust our deepest truth.

I’ve written and edited most of my career for different purposes. Whether it was in school, on the job or helping someone out….I was always complimented on my writing. Always.

And do you know what I did? I blew it off.

I used to compare myself to others who appeared far more talented, and instead of compliments feeding me to do more, it made me hold tighter to feeling inadequate and hide.

It didn’t matter that I felt totally in sync with myself while writing, or that I could actually become giddy at the prospect; this freakin’ inadequacy made me feel small when I wrote….and controlled what I was willing to write about too.

Inadequacy leads to staying stuck in bad relationships, jobs, or other commitments, we’ve outgrown or we said ‘yes’ to out of fear. We can do this our entire lives.

Lately, I’ve been questioning what else hides behind any other perceived inadequacies.

Based on my growing unrest with having coached people in and around relationships; I see my own evolution. From the faintest stirring to the overwhelming pull within me… stay where it’s safe? Or, bust out of feeling completely inadequate, and step up to live out my aspirations?

What happens when we allow our inadequacies to rule?

Regret.

We can keep doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a miracle or someone else to find us, dust us off and show us the way…

Or…

Screw the inadequacies and live an ass-kickin’ existence!

Who cares if we’re the best or the worst? In the scheme of things, doing what we really crave can make the opinions of others null and void….plus motivated by passion, people and opportunities come along that would’ve missed us, had we chosen to stay stuck hiding behind our shield of inadequacy.

For clarity and to create action, I’m writing a list of all that I deeply crave, but feels impossible and without rules, I’m doing it!

What about you? What are the inadequacies you feel hold you back? And what are you doing about it?

Please share in the comments below.

 

 

 

 

 

What Your underwear Says About You.

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If we really, really want something to change.

If we really, really want to manifest good things in our life to give ourselves joy, and bring the impossible to us….

Then we need to look at our underwear.

Really.

Many of us don’t place a lot of importance on our undergarments, because we don’t get the relationship or significance it has to how we actually feel about ourselves and what we deserve.

I was talking to one of my clients, about caring for oneself and all the ways we really live in scarcity.

Where we scrimp and compromise for ‘okay’ or ‘good enough’, and perhaps, even give little thought to how we shortchange ourselves. As she and I discussed the lack of caring that went into how dressing for the gym or even for bed, was really a reflection of how we feel about ourselves….

I brought up underwear.

Not her underwear specifically, but how for many of us, especially the ones who are single and sleep alone (and for the married couples who have no intimacy, etc), we figure no one is seeing them, so who cares, right?

We see them in our drawer and are basically saying to ourselves, we’ll buy new undergarments when we have someone in our life who would appreciate it or some other excuse. Do we realize what we’re saying to ourselves, when we don’t treat ourselves as someone we love?

Many of us treat people we love a helluva lot better than we do ourselves, which means there is usually a deficit. It’s out of balance; in truth, we can only give what we have plenty of or it is a sacrifice.  One that eventually turns to resentment, since no one can ever appreciate us enough to make up for sacrifice. We have to value ourselves first, so we’re not thinking the only way to be loved is through people pleasing sacrifice.  We have to fill up our loving cup first, which means what does our underwear look like? It’s a reflection. 

If our partner has holey underwear….what do we think?

Okay, so back to my client who happens to be a nurse. In our ‘underwear’ conversation, she said “You wouldn’t believe some of the underwear I see coming into the hospital, not in a million years!” And I asked her, “What do you feel about the person when you see their underwear? What sort of identity or characteristics do you associate with them?”

She and I discussed it. She said on a first impression, she felt sorry for them, perhaps they were lonely, mistreated in some way or just didn’t care anymore. Exactly.

We all make a judgment call when observing others….negative or positive, we do it. What would our underwear reflect to others, as a statement of our inner world? Scarcity or abundance?

Even if we say we’re not settling; we believe we’re loving ourselves and being kind, ...what does our underwear say? 

Is it in alignment with our goals?

Does it reflect our true feelings about what we deserve?

Are we so used to robbing Peter to pay Paul for the one thing we deem more important than another–instead of understanding how it impacts the overall picture? When we sacrifice or give away something to gain something…it is not done from a ‘there is plenty to go around’ perspective. We’re living in some form of scarcity in our lives. It is not fluent; it’s fragmented. Value is value.

If we want to manifest the impossible, we need to see where we deny ourselves what is possible, right now.

What do we pay no heed to in the way we treat ourselves, showing our brains what we deserve? What are we waiting for–a sign, a nod of approval, meeting someone new, or winning the lottery? Look where we say we don’t care; where we will blow it off today as not being important, as something we’ll instead, worry about in the future and today, we can change it, we can start giving to ourselves right here.

Checking out our underwear…..our hygiene…..our outer self–how we care for us; does it reflect the inner scarcity or the inner abundance?

What does it say we deserve?

When we fill our loving cup, we know that there is always more….that we have it to give, because we’re not looking for validation or saving pennies to buy new underwear for a rainy day.

Changing our underwear can change our lives!

The Manifesting List

Ever wonder how the same things continue to show up? Feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle or keep attracting similar situations?

Check out this list on how you do it and how to gain more control.

  • Whatever we give our attention to, grows.

So, if you want more of it, keep doing it and if you want less, focus elsewhere. Have gratitude for what ‘is’ and focus less on what you wish it would be….watch how more of what you want, actually shows up.

  • Lies are based on a belief that you may lose something or be embarrassed by the truth.

It’s a sign of lack of trust in the self to handle disappointment. Want to really attract amazing people and opportunities, start getting real with yourself and see what you are denying.

  • If you believe that all relationships turn bad or end, you will fulfill that goal. Your subconscious is the map, it tells the conscious mind where to go.

Do you have a negative belief about you or relationships, guess what? The subconscious will fulfill it for you. Instead, get a spotlight to shine on the WHY behind the belief and get uncomfortable, as you take action in a positive direction. (funny, how the words uncomfortable and positive go together) This will create new beliefs.

  • If you believe more good exists inside of you than a voice kicking your butt, the perception you have will make sure the outside will match. (even when negative circumstances arise–you will see it as temporary, not life defining)
  • Engaging in playing games, means sooner or later you’ll end up the loser. Be real.

Authenticity gives your life real meaning. When you play a part, the return on it, never is permanent. Dig deep to find your truth–then act on it, without attachment to the outcome. Most of the time, your results are 9000% better than if you had faked it til you won it.

  • If you don’t believe you have value, you’ll look for situations affirming this belief or create them to show you are indeed, without worth.

Awareness of these core beliefs and questioning their validity will help you to not get triggered into going down the same ol’ road.

  • In loving someone, try to tell your conscious mind it doesn’t mean attachment or expectations are included in the deal.

No one else can fix you or make life better, unless you’re already doing something about it–so even if the love of your life came through the door, nothing would feel one iota better, until you fulfill your own needs first.

  • No matter how much you love someone you cannot stop them from doing self destructive or stupid shit, only they can stop themselves if they want to….or not.

Let go of trying, let go of taking them and their actions personally. You can do nothing to change them, unless they are already doing it themselves.

  • If you really sit with the discomfort inside of you, that you may want someone else to relieve, you’ll find you are your own best medicine.

Stay with the anxiety, the neediness, the emptiness or whatever it is causing you pain. It won’t kill you and you’ll find the temporary relief you get from someone else doesn’t compare to the permanent relief you can offer yourself.

  • Assumptions are dream killers–you can talk yourself out of anything you want (especially if it requires change) just by assuming some story, which may or may not be true.  

If you don’t know, it’s okay, because even if you THOUGHT you knew–most of the time it doesn’t assure the outcome. Spending countless hours analyzing, strategizing and stressing will only lead to more inertia. Action trumps thought, show your ‘mind’ that all assumptions are b.s. and get out there and live your dreams.

This is just a starter EQ (emotional quotient) list. Growing your emotional intelligence will grow your ability to attract amazing people and situations to your personal and professional life.

5 Ways To Empower Your Life For The Better

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Relationships rule our lives.

We may get out of bed each morning, dreading interaction with someone during our upcoming day. We may spend time ruminating over the negative feelings and feel uninspired to believe we can actually change something in the communication or our feelings toward them.

Thinking of the “what ifs,” can disempower us from making any decisions in our daily lives and therefore, we can stay stuck in a monotonous circle.

The only power to change anything in our lives resides within us and requires a shift in our perception of reality. How easy is it to do?

It is only through our deepest desire that we can sustain the energy it takes to empower our relationships and our lives.

Wanting to empower ourselves for a better life takes the following:

Step #1: It takes commitment; we must first understand our level of deserving, before we can truly commit to the process of creating a better life. If we do not feel deep inside (based on our beliefs) that we deserve more than settling or struggle, we need to be aware that we’re in a state of resistance to good ‘easily’ coming our way.

Step #2: It’s not all about us. The thoughts in our head rarely have anything to do with another person’s perception of reality. We assume, we know their intention and why they do what they do, but in reality we don’t and we never will…. even if they tell us.

Why is this the case?

Think about how often our mind changes, how skewed our intention can be from one minute to the next, when emotions influence many of our thoughts. Many people lack the self-awareness to understand that half the stories they tell themselves are b.s. and the individuals with self-awareness need to understand that assuming anything about anyone is just a way of avoiding ourselves.

Step #3: Take responsibility for all thoughts and actions we initiate. This means we have control over our lives, when we place blame outside of us, we become a victim who doesn’t have the tools to ‘create’, because there is always something stopping us. Freeing ourselves from what we try to manipulate or blame will result in an opening of our heart and mind to possibilities (rather than living in the belief that what we want is impossible).

Step #4: Get clear on what we actually want. This comes from knowing who we are, which is actually a question most people cannot answer about themselves. Many of us have been conditioned to believe we are someone else, through whatever strategies we identified with as a matter of survival or gaining attention as a child. We have forgotten what we actually love, where our joy is ignited and may not trust the desires we have are nothing more than a passing fancy.

Showing up in all parts of our lives as the same person, rather than in different roles to suit the player, will bring about a dynamic potency to our vision. The clearer our intention, the better our life will become.

Step #5: Be in the present moment. Not only do we need to know who we are, so we can be clear on what we want…we must also bring our entire selves into the moment. When we’re checked out, we are not empowered and we’re not actually engaged in what we’re doing, how we’re interacting and therefore unable to feel connected.

Removing the compartments and accepting what currently ‘is’ in our lives will allow us to be authentic, to make decisions from a clear, connected and centered place within us. It gives us the opportunity to empower ourselves with our action, words and choices in the current moment—when we are “wholly” present.

The Power of Abundance III

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The power of abundance would seem obvious to most of us. The more abundance of things we deem as good, would put us in a position of power, right?

An abundance of health, wealth, love, peace, happiness, friends, food, etc… is what most of us would find very satisfying, perhaps even fulfilling.

“Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns it calls me on and on across the universe.” ~John Lennon

As human beings, we always have a desire for more. More life, more love, more affection, more money, more laughter, etc…

We can deny the desires, but why should we say “no,” to what we really want? If we want to live in the country, travel, get married, etc….and we’re not doing it or moving in the direction of it, we have to ask ourselves, WHY?

Abundance is unlimited, scarcity is limited. Abundance breaks the rules, scarcity colors within the lines. Abundance is relaxing, scarcity is constricting. Some of us feel guilty wanting more for ourselves and others believe we don’t deserve our dreams….and as long as we live in guilt or undeserving energy….we will continue to set up situations, which highlight scarcity.

Abundance did not come to me easily. I was not brought up to believe love and money grew on trees (but they do provide for both) and that you had to work super hard to rub two nickels together.

“Not what we have, but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.”
~ Epicurus

Getting to a place of allowing abundance in our lives can feel like we’re breaking all sorts of rules.

We may abide by certain philosophies, which allow us to honor reasons to stay in scarcity. The power of abundance is scary, because it’s unlimited.

If the Universe is made up of a creative energy that has an intelligence, a sort of matching us where we are energy….and our energy is about manifesting through thought and action, wouldn’t the Universe mirror it back to us? As humans we have no control over timing or what an outcome actually looks like, but if we believe in the power of abundance we can approach it as a wide-eyed child.

Often life throws us a curve ball, but what if we approach dire or troubling situations from an unlimited, abundant perception? It could allow us to find the opportunity in a crisis.  

If we create rather than compete, we’re focused on the value of abundance–creating more rather than in scarcity, taking what someone else has in their possession.

“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” ~ Albert Einstein

If more life is the goal of every living thing in the universe, we have to get clear on what keeps our “thinking,” in scarcity. Where are we limited and when did we come to believe this as our truth?

“Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.”
~ Wayne Dyer

The moment we engage in what we love, we are creating, when we’re creating…..we’re living in abundance. If we want to be in the Power of Abundance now, what can we do?

1. Believe there is more rather than less for everyone. There is no competition.

2. Find what you love to create and start creating, even if you think you are not any good at it, do it with love and do it often.

3. Once you are in the habit of creating with love, believe in the abundance of it, focus on it with a goal (even if the goal is just more time to do what you love) meaning look for opportunities to come from what you love. They will.

4. From abundance the opportunity to give and receive fully, becomes easier. We energetically connect to more when we get out of our own way and include others.

Watch life change, as you become more accustomed to the unlimited, the possibilities that may have seemed impossible in the past, are now your reality.

If you missed the first two parts in the series, please click the links below:

Power of Presence I

Power of Balance II

If you’re interested in upping your abundance level, please contact me Tracy AT tracycrossley.com

At The End Of Your Manifesting Rope?

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Yep…been there, done that and every time I get to the end of the rope, I’ve tied a bigger knot and re-focused on what I wanted to create.

Not only did I keep moving forth, I dropped some nasty-ass obstacles along the way…only to find myself looking at the same list I had for about 10 years. Same items on the list, what could it mean? Was it true had I never really moved any closer to living the life I wanted?

Tell me….what was that all about? And how did I not just crumple up every list I had and say “screw it!”

I let a huge sigh and thought, how many more books will I read on manifesting abundance? How many more sages would I listen to and think I had found the magic key? Only to find it just wasn’t the case…..because all it would make me do is get excited and really, truly follow directions only to find it didn’t work or perhaps, it does work, it’s just not on my timetable?

Then I’d hear another success story and think “Hmmm…perhaps, I am missing something?” And then the treasure hunt would continue. I definitely was not the same person, as I started out as when I embarked on this journey. It had definitely changed me for the calmer, happier and freer, BUT when those BIG goals that I had my eye on FOR YEARS were still elusive….I decided something just had to be done!!!!!

BUT WHAT?

Go read, “Think and Grow Rich” or “The Science of Getting Rich” or any other book on manifesting, AGAIN? Geezus NO! 

Did it mean writing another list on what I should manifest in better language? In a different way, so that this time perhaps the Universe would hear me? NO.

Should I stop working with my beliefs that have held me back from the deeper connection to myself and my own happiness? NO.

Hmmm…perhaps it meant going in a direction without integrity or some other “quick get what I want scheme” through some sort of manipulation? NO.

No banging my head on a wall, no thinking anyone was more or less blessed than me, no more wondering what could be the fatal flaw I just couldn’t see (since I had been convinced it existed like an eyesore in the middle of my face where everyone else could see it), no more feeling compelled to let guilt hogtie me when I wasn’t doing enough or being enough or showing up enough or eating hamburgers enough…or whatever!

Did it mean to jut sit in front of the tube and say “fuck it?” NO.

Oh, oh, oh…did it mean I needed to lower my standards in both love and money or something, scrape by and go head long into some scarcity prison? HELL NO.

Should I give up the joy in the simple things like nature, listening to my kids, hanging with my friends, painting, coaching, writing? NO.

Hey…I’ve even found joy in shopping, years ago it used to fill an empty hole, then I felt it was ridiculous to be materially driven and now…now I understand the excitement and joy that can be felt when we really buy something for ourselves that gives us a smile, a feeling of love for giving to ourselves…so should I give that up to and stick to berry picking for my food? NO.

Then WTF?!?!?!

I’m no more fucked up than the next person, we have the same opportunities, right? YES.

We get to choose between passion and slogging it out, right? YES.

There’s also the choice to live into one’s goals as a gain, as opposed to feeling like the tooth fairy will leave us change under our pillow for what we have lost, right? YES.

Letting go feels way better than holding on….right? YES.

So, what was my answer?

  • Focus on my passion–do it daily.
  • Keep clearing out the dead wood of old beliefs that no longer supported me and kept me feeling STUCK and TRAPPED.
  • Find my joy and gratitude for what I have everyday.
  • Let go of the outcome, totally and completely, so as not to use it as a weapon to beat myself with
  • Not look to replace what I thought I lost, but to instead to look for the abundance in everything, even if it’s a bunch of beautiful leaves on the ground.

And keeping it this simple, guess what???? The manifestations that had been impossible in my intense state of MUST create, became within hand’s reach when I relaxed.

If you find yourself learning from my information and you’re stuck, frustrated and feel like it’s Groundhog’s Day, once again….then check out my holiday special, imagine how much progress you could make inside of yourself toward passion, happiness and abundance with working one on one with me?? Click here to find out more. Happy Holidays!!!