Have you ever found yourself running after something? Literally or metaphorically? As in, wanting something so bad, whether it wants you or not?
It’s a single-minded attachment to having that person, place or thing, right?
Often we may hide it. No one really knows what we deeply desire and so we covertly chase after it; wishing, wanting, praying, hoping and putting immense energy to shoving it down, so we seem like we really don’t want it to the rest of the world.
But we do! We want it sooooo bad!
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why do we at times openly chase something, and at other times ‘act’ like its no big deal, even though we want it just as much?
Because we feel we cannot have it.
We don’t deserve it, aren’t good enough, haven’t proven ourselves, want to appear above it–not needing (or needy), and so these deeply held shiteous beliefs run our lives delivering exactly what that barren desert ending is… the one confirming our worst fears.
Rita felt like everything was always a struggle. Her marriage had been, her kids, work, maintaining the house and the financial responsibility. It always fell on her shoulders. She divorced, moved, and was sorta, kinda, speaking up at work, BUT she still felt stuck.
She also found herself hooked on someone from her past, totally impossible to let go of and it made her crazy!
She wanted a relationship, but nothing in her life reflected one coming to her without major struggle. She felt it was too hard, not enough good men and believed she possessed some deep flaw that kept okay ones at a distance! If you met her, you wouldn’t know any of this, because she appeared to have it together!
Her energy was focused on the past guy, while she longed for a real partnership, she would chase after the old one; send him text messages, call him, ask him out and so on. He would respond once in awhile, but her hard work just didn’t yield the results.
Why did she work so hard for nothing? Chasing, tripping and falling down….and then blaming herself for her fatal flaw.
Andrea is in a relationship with someone who does not share her lifestyle, or too much of her life. He is very attentive to his own life, squeezing her in when he has time. She drops everything when he calls and anytime she brings up the state of their relationship he gets angry that she doesn’t understand where he’s at.
To her, he is better than her ex, they have fun when they are together, but she comes up empty when viewing it as a true partnership. She doesn’t feel heard, or seen and has told herself to work harder, be more available and just be patient.
She has worked at it as though it’s her last hope, embodying everything she feels is expected of her and is afraid to let go.
Both women are committed to struggle, but couldn’t see the pattern clearly. They both didn’t feel they deserved better, even though both repeated the sentiment that they deserved so much more quite often!
What about Sheila? She works hard and is successful in her career; she’s never had a real committed relationship as an adult. To others she appears to not need or want one, but to her, no matter what it seems a relationship is elusive, leaving her feeling lonely, isolated and trying to fix other people. Her deepest desire is to get married and yet she chased after her greatest success: her career.
She only knows how to chase after what she wants and has found herself tripping into a bad ending each time she does it in her personal life.
Some of us are in total denial that we want something different than what our life looks life. Fear of wanting more, keeps us from relaxing by allowing ourselves to believe we will receive what we want. Fear makes us feel greedy or that our desires are unattainable.
We chase for a variety of reasons:
- To purposely fall down, proving to ourselves we really can’t have what we want.
- Go after the wrong people, places and things: It looks acceptable from the judgment of others, but we don’t really want any of it and don’t trust we can have what we REALLY want. Interestingly enough, when chasing what we don’t want, somehow we find ways (unconsciously) to fail, or if outside validation is extremely important we’ll succeed only to suffer a lack of fulfillment.
- To stay busy.
- Thinking it will solve the problem of the void within us.
On top of it–it’s a narrow vision, and it can be exhausting to be wrapped up in the intellectual pursuit of the chase. Keeping it narrow, instead of appearing to want more, gives the impression of remaining stationary, so it doesn’t threaten our relationships.
Nature desires more life everyday–it grows. If humanity didn’t want more, we’d all still be living in a cave.
How do you get more into your life without chasing it?
- Admit you want more, perhaps different or scary, because it may mean loss.
- Become visible. Most of the time if we’re chasing, we don’t have a connection to our deepest desire (not the emptiness or belief something outside of us can solve the problem), because if we did, it means we’d have to stop hiding out.
- Time to be available. Many of us are shut down to wanting more or what seems impossible, so we’re unavailable to actually having it. Notice where you have a wall, shield or act in opposition to the deeper desire.
- Relax. It’s not time to eat bonbons, but to release going after things a full time job.
- Oh yeah, get rid of plan B, and start living Plan A, when you do take inspired action toward what you actually want–it’s never a chase. It is taking small steps forward, in alignment with your real goal. Totally different energy, totally different outcome.
- Give yourself validation by building trust that you can take appropriate action for your aspirations. You can do it!
Want some help in learning what you really want and how to have it without force? Schedule a discovery session to see if we would be a good fit!