Navigating From Insecure Attachment To The Awkwardness of Dating

Even as you make strides in your own growth, you experience hiccups.

You find yourself in a ‘same old situation,’ but feel differently, with fledgling confidence in your newer tools. With growing assurance what may have felt impossible in the past, can still make you choke a bit as you state your truth.

Remember to be prepared for people not hearing you; it’s okay.

Speaking your truth is not done to convince someone of what they should do (conditioning will tell you otherwise); it’s supporting yourself emotionally. Whether it’s early in dating or stepping into a relationship, if it’s not working it’ll be clear pretty quickly, just by observing the ensuing dialogue or reaction after you speak.

Recently I was at dinner with someone.

No shooting stars; just enjoying my time with him, thinking he was really nice. And he IS nice. On our prior dates we casually talked about a variety of topics including what we both wanted in dating/relationships. It was cool.

This dinner turned out to be not so cool.

I felt as though I was on a date with someone totally different. The conversation did not flow, there was a huge interest in the food, but other than that not much laughter or further exploration of any deeper topics. In the past it would’ve stopped me cold from addressing something important to me. I’d have looked for the right time to speak and kept quiet if I didn’t find it and then ‘gone along’ with whatever happened afterwards.  As an ex-people-pleaser, it was finding courage to speak about intimacy, and get really uncomfortable.

In my heart, I had to express how I’m not rushing a physical relationship until I really get to know somebody, and I’m confident we’re headed in the same direction (I don’t care if anyone agrees or disagrees with my actions, it’s how I feel in taking care of myself emotionally). I stated this and it was acknowledged verbally, but not physically.

It was very clear we were on a different page.

As we drove after dinner, I realized what I said was for my ears only.

Is he bad? No.

This isn’t to pick his behavior apart. It’s to illustrate how difficult it can be to navigate saying something that another person may not want to hear. It can be very uncomfortable.

Many women (and some men) find themselves in the middle of somewhere they don’t want to be, by keeping quiet and making excuses, so they don’t hate themselves. You’re afraid to upset someone, but when action happens as a result of your silence, it is NOT what you want, and you blame yourself (and them too).

Insecure attachment holds you with a fear of loss. You’re used to it, but you want to avoid it, and when you’ve been wired this way for so long, it can be tough to speak the truth.

With insecure attachment as a basis for your conditioning, you try to exert control over others’ behavior. You refuse to listen or see reality as it is. And you’ll cross someone else’s boundaries. Someone with true confidence isn’t controlling or trying to prove anything; secure people respect themselves and others.

I stood for myself because my values matter. In setting the foundation for a HAPPY long-term relationship, you don’t want a tug-of-war, or a struggle for power.

Sometimes in speaking your truth, it’s challenging to be consistently connected to your heart, especially if others are resistant. You can’t control them.

I know what it feels like to not say the truth of how you feel out of fear, and have someone disregard it when you do speak.

Clarity around attachment is huge. A warm body will not do. What you’re looking for changes as you feel more secure, yet it can feel like a foreign land, especially when you can’t tell on the first date beyond whether he or she might be nice. It’s why I go slow, not protective, so I can stay in the rhythm of my own emotions. If I try to keep up with someone else’s desires and ignore my own, it will end ugly.

Insecure attachment has conditioned us to not trust ourselves, the world or others. So to trust yourself means going thru the discomfort of not pleasing someone else and not controlling the events outside of you by pretending to fill a role. Instead you must speak your truth.

The awkwardness of dating can make you feel you have to compromise to get what you want. YOU DO NOT compromise at that stage unless you want to repeat the same ol’ relationship. Always see reality as it is, not as you wish it.

Attachment can keep you on a merry-go-round.

Not just in dating someone who is ill-suited to a partnership with you, but repeating the relationship over and over with them, continuing to try making it work where it was never meant to go. It’s the fantasy, which deludes you from dealing with rejection or abandonment. I can’t tell you how many times I saw red flags in the past with others and kept dating them. I was ATTACHED! It then kept me in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Insecure attachment will keep you believing a fantasy. You keep going around and around hoping they have changed (cuz you fear there may not be someone else).

Stop for a moment in whatever dating situation you’re in and ask what you truly believe without bullshitting yourself. What’s YOUR truth? Remember, it is always okay to be where you are, even if it is hell. You can’t navigate from where you are not.

There are NO rules of engagement with how you should act or what you should do to develop a relationship. I really believe when it’s the right person, it’s the right person. It’s not necessarily magical, but there’s an ease to it. Everyone I know in a healthy, secure relationship (even those who had insecure attachment in the past) experiences ease.

In my dating life, the above scenario was another opportunity for me to trust myself more, instead of beating myself up. It was a chance to remain open and aware of what I want for myself. We are always at choice in keeping the old patterns alive or speaking then acting by taking a risk to stick with the truth of what we want!

Interested in learning more about attachment? Listen to this podcast.

Ghosting: New or Old? WTH?

I didn’t want to write a blog post on this topic. I read the articles on the subject after someone suggested I speak on “ghosting” for my radio show. Big sigh.

Blech.

I mean really?

Here we have the ghost:

Bad manners; individuals exhibiting no compassion (for themselves and others); guilt-inducing baggage; hiding from themselves and others. Uh….keeping a separation from head to heart and lying to themselves about it being acceptable behavior with some story they invent to assuage their feelings on being an asshole.

And on the receiving end of the ghosting phenom… the haunted! An individual wondering what the hell happened. What did they do wrong? Their boyfriend or girlfriend was in the midst of packing up boxes to move in with them and just split. Poof! Into thin air! No explanation, nor sign that anything was wrong.

Plus the ghosted has the not-so-fun job of stalking the other person (if they so choose) to get to the bottom of what spooked the ghost. This amidst their own self-doubt, insecurities and anxieties triggered by the promise of more… and then cut off by abandonment.

People have been doing this for-e-v-e-r! Before technology. In the old days, they’d just hop on their horse and ride off to places unknown, where no cell phone or advent of technology was even a thought in someone’s mind.

And so, I didn’t want to write about it, because it’s so tense and deep. It’s a place where someone wants to point the finger… play victim to the persecutor and create a really thick plot. Then I have to grab my shovel to try and dig up what actually happened, plus the meaning (if any) that’s attached to the scenario.

Ghosting is not just disappearing out of the life of a loved one or someone you’re dating… it’s any situation where an individual does a disappearing act without a peep!

How does a person not sense when someone is about to jump ship? Were they dismissive about the actions of their lover, attributing odd behavior to cold feet or their jittery ticks to being the norm? How was commitment discussed; were the two people honest about life-changing choices? Or was someone fibbing and the other person afraid to call em’ on it?

Fear of abandonment can make us do crazy things and put up with less than we deserve. Fear of engulfment can make us put our running shoes and jog to the next state, so we don’t get swallowed up by the emotions of another person… or our own emotional state.

What about humans who accept a new job, but turn into a ghost on their first day of work? Why do people bolt without a word from a variety of situations? Ever been on the way to some celebration for a person you cared about and at the last minute steered the wheel in another direction. I mean ghosting shows up everywhere!

And when the text messages, phone calls or possible confrontations bring the specter back to life, it just isn’t good for anyone. The ghosted wants answers, but the ghost never wanted to offer one in the first place or he/she would’ve spoken before taking flight.

I have personally done this in the form of not showing up to social events I was expected to attend. Or with guys I never had a conversation with, except online, and instead of saying I’m not interested (which I had done in the past), I disappeared. Coward? Yes. In the case of guys I shared a few texts with where it was glaringly obvious to me it wasn’t good to continue, I silently slid out the texting door.

And in cases where you have someone with unpredictable or extreme behavior, becoming a ghost is probably the best idea. In my case, the times I said, “I wasn’t interested” to a few men, it actually unleashed some sort of unreasonable anger from them, which didn’t originate with our exchanges and made me grateful they didn’t know where I lived!

So, as I bring this topic, which I didn’t want to write to a close…..

I will leave you with some alternatives, comments and tips.

1. Be honest–everyone. If you know on a gut level communication isn’t honest and you’re reading signs (like the ones Carrie ignored in the Sex and The City movie), but hoping if you pressure your mate/date or pretend everything is hunky dory, they will somehow wear ruby red slippers too… it’s time to be real. Speak your truth. And if you’re the one who can’t handle disappointing someone, so you make your date/mate into a big scary monster and soothe yourself with a story of why you silently slithered out of bed and left no note with a cold pillow in your wake.. .time to man or woman up! Be honest.
2. Get real with yourself. What do you really want? Don’t try to please someone else by going along with what they want, WHEN YOU DO NOT WANT IT TOO. It’s okay to stand up for yourself.
3. If you’re ghosted, do your best not to take it personally. Assume nothing and dig deep. Where could you have taken responsibility for any events leading up to them being MIA? Taking responsibility gives you a modicum of control over your emotions.
4. Adding on to number three: Forget trying to find a reason. Your intellect will never be satisfied, so closure is something you will have to give to yourself. Question to ask yourself… what were you really getting here? Where were you attached, and where did you create your own expectations? Again, the more responsibility, the more control.
5. Engulfment/abandonment: These two love to swim side by side, performing water ballet, until one partner has sucked in too much chlorine and darted out of the pool to somewhere safe. One person dreads abandonment and the other dreads engulfment. They are two sides of the same coin.

I am sure there’s more, but this topic could make for a book. Perhaps even a series of books on manners, communication or toxic emotional states… or recipes?

Whether in a romantic relationship, with a friend or at work, have you ever been ghosted? Or been the GHOST? I’d love to hear experiences from both sides… and what feelings resulted.

 

When Saying “NO” Seems Too Hard…

Writing on this topic, presents the culmination of many people around me, including myself who have found themselves in the pickle of wanting to say “NO” and not doing it.

Trying to live authentic lives–where we do what we want, say what we want and show up as we want is difficult to do consistently, and we often don’t do it where we fear loss.

The specter of disappointing others can bind us to the mast of a ship headed to the rough seas of saying ‘yes’ when every inch of our being wants to scream, “NO!”

Guilt plays a huge factor in going along, to get along, what if we hurt someone else by not giving them what they want?

The amount of value we have is directly tied to what sort of situations we find ourselves in, because sometimes we say yes when we mean no, believing that this is as good as it might get for us (by the way it’s a whole series of YES’S that lead us to the crossroads–it’s never just one YES, which got us here). Better to settle here than to risk further into the unknown where we might end up alone, broke, a failure or some other label that we fear.

When we’re at our most confident and connected to our more life affirming beliefs, we have faith that what we truly want is out there and we’re much less willing to say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘NO.’

Most humans struggle with “Am I enough, good enough or worthy of…. fill in the blank“ and when we feel the heaviness inside that this might be it, we cling…with our reasoning founded in not wanting to upset the apple cart.

We might disappoint or hurt others, they may stop asking us to come out and play.

Perhaps,they may feel we’re slighting them, or that somehow we’re responsible for their emotional well-being (forgetting our own). Others around us may guilt trip us into what they believe is best for us, BASED on their own experiences. Most advice comes from the success or failure others have experienced, which actually says ‘nothing’ of what our experience could or might be!

When basing our decisions on outside factors, we always stand to lose, especially IF we’re not honest with ourselves.

If we’re saying yes to a job we don’t want, fighting the urge to run in the other direction, at least be truthful. We’re probably afraid if we don’t take it, another won’t come along. Our conditioning may say there’s a scarcity of opportunity; proven by our long search! So someone FINALLY recognizing our value–makes us feel we found more than a mirage in the desert! And…what if no other employer gives us a better opportunity? Better take it now!

Freedom is a wonderful concept, which takes a commitment to live in daily.

We feel pulled by obligations whether imagined or quite real, so why do we add to the prison we build by trying to tell ourselves “we have to do, what we don’t want to do?”

I’ve failed and I’ve succeeded, whether it’s in a single situation, a relationship, a job, my own business or even choosing a restaurant. The thing that’s clear is when I do something, which may cause a ruffle outside of me; it doesn’t compare to the one inside of me when I’m in opposition to myself.

And when we find the choice we made NOT in favor of ourselves, we look for things outside of us to build a case, such as finding flaws in someone, or something…and that doesn’t work, in the end it is no one else’s fault when we go against ourselves.

It’s our responsibility to live our lives; to be in the driver’s seat, because in the end, we’re the ones who have to live with our choices.

And for some of us we’d rather fall on our own sword, torturing ourselves, rather than suffer our perceived guilt, selfishness, or horrible outcome–because we believe we may never have a better opportunity etc…so we say ‘yes’ and slowly die in that moment….and many moments after, which we live through the repercussions of the decision to not choose ourselves.

Power of Simplicity

As human beings, we tend to complicate things in our minds, far more than is ever necessary.

We do it for a variety of reasons, here are a few:

• Appearances–so we can show others we’re really muddling through, worrying and/or working hard.
• Stagnation–so we can remain stuck without making a decision from hours to years.
• Remain commitment-free–getting so mired in our fears, so we complicate a situation or potential relationship, and never commit.
• Avoidance–of anything, which requires vulnerability, or letting our guard down, including fun, relaxation, breaking our own rules, etc.
• Staying out of the present moment–living in the past or the future, our thoughts can keep us from truly being in the experience of the moment.

We take what is simple, give it a label and make a big deal out of it! We remain in our mini-dramas daily.

Look at falling in love. Love is always there, as is the air we breathe. We attach all sorts of meaning and expectations to love and we are never satisfied. Love is as much a feeling, as it is an action. If we were to get past the complex minutia of our “shoulds,” which we feel must be met, BEFORE we act in loving ways, we’d be a lot happier.

How about ordering off a menu in a restaurant, how difficult can we make it?

Even better, trying to figure out the psychology of a stranger. “Why did that dude just cut me off in traffic? What an asshole! If I can catch up to him, I’m gonna flip him off!” Why do we spend this time avoiding, complicating and making a BIG deal out of nothing?

Fear.

If we keep things simple, it means we don’t overreact, avoid, stay stuck, look like we’re uber busy, or keep up the appearance that we’re happy with our loneliness, etc…we have to face ourselves and de-clutter our lives!

In the simplicity of nature, where I often get lost. In fact, I could be left there for days and be quite content. There is a connection we all have to the earth, we go through several gyrations or complicated activities, to find the same peace, as what we can feel walking through a forest or being with the waves of the ocean.

In meditation, we can find the same simplicity, once we quiet our noisy minds of the grocery list, or any other things, which become so important that we place their priority above the simplicity of spending a few minutes meditating.

Spending time with animals, or away from technology…..all of these concepts lead us back to simplicity. It means being with ourselves, it also means we may feel out of control. The more crap we have to deal with the more control some of us believe we have over our lives. The less crap…the more empty spaces that may make us nervous and anxious to fill.

We may complain about the complicated lives we lead, but to give up an inch of that, which can keep us enthralled would mean forging a whole new way of being.

Simplicity at it’s core is inner peace personified. The power of it is immense, when it comes to being in control of our inner world. When we drop the complex thoughts and drama, disowning the need to fill our heads with crap that doesn’t need our energy or time, we have an opportunity to connect.

We can connect with ourselves more fully, once we get over the hump of what will happen to us if we have nothing to worry about, obsess over, or be angry about, and when that happens, so does the magic.

We have space to allow the new to greet us. Life can flow without us making an ordeal over nothing. We will be able to engage in the present being with our finest moments. Enjoying others, and the beauty of those connections, helps to set the foundation for living longer, happier lives.

Stopping to smell the roses, leads to more gratitude, creativity, happiness and fulfillment–we find ourselves in the midst of more abundance than we thought possible. Ever notice when we’re mulling over some complicated issue, the minute we take action and focus on something like gardening, walking, talking with a friend, relaxing our minds in any way….we often get the answer we had spent hours trying to figure out.

Simplicity is the cure for what ails our overly-complicated strategies, to-do lists and expectations.

 

 

 

Power of Gratitude V

Sometimes I hear, “Have an Attitude of Gratitude,” with the purpose of helping me manifest what I want; have more peace, feel more open and overall, less frustrated with my current lot in life.

And at those times, when I’m most frustrated, I find it difficult to really step out of my comfort zone with it’s revolving thoughts! It’s a merry-go-round in my head! Trying to figure out why, I’m stuck in a place once again, in which, I’ve visited many times, over several years.

Now most people can relate to frustration being a difficult emotion to step out of and stop, cold turkey.

There is a certain comfort to old thoughts and lashing out at the Universe, as to why things are once again headed in an unwelcome direction. I know, because I’ve found it the most challenging time to have any gratitude for anything.

Most negative emotions can wrap us up in their clutches, making it feel impossible to be released.

We don’t get relief, so easily as to just say words of gratitude, oh no! It’s the same thing with positive affirmations, even if the words come out of our mouth, does it match our truth? Does it match our energy, our intention, our feelings?

Just saying words with no real meaning attached to it, gives us no power. It keeps us powerless, especially if the force of our anger or unhappiness is behind it.

In some of my more recent challenges, the ones, which I didn’t understand their significance or reoccurrence, I discovered something new. I came to understand my value.

People can say how wonderful we are, they can slather us in praise, and we can even look in the mirror and say, “Hmmm…not bad,” but these sentiments are not necessarily indicative of how we value ourselves.

In the past, I believed I had to work super hard to get value. I also believed that everything in my life had happened as either a reflection of me or that it was a lesson I wasn’t getting! This trifecta of thoughts would come up every time a past result, seemed to be my present outcome. I’d think of how I handled it differently, how I acted differently and how I thought differently, so how could this possibly be happening?

It dawned on me one day.

Deep inside, I felt, I did not deserve my circumstances, that in this particular event, I embraced my value. I saw where I was responsible, where I had done everything I could think of and it still had poor results. This was not a reflection of me at all. I stopped beating myself up with those recurring thoughts and felt peace.

And what does this have to do with the power of gratitude?

In the realization of my own value, came an opening. All the responsibility I carried for the external circumstances, the outcome, of all that occurred, had dropped from my shoulders. The barriers of blame, I held against the Universe and myself started to crumble. I was able to feel my way into gratitude.

Gratitude is about the present moment, not the future. When it comes to being personally-empowered, all we can be connected to in the mind, body, spirit department is now.

We can be grateful for what is and where we are today. When we value ourselves, our gratitude is clearer and less tinged with what we don’t have in the moment.

If we take a few minutes to really look at a situation, in which we’re held hostage and feel gratitude is the last place we can actually touch, it’s important to stop for a second and ask ourselves, “Have I done everything, I believe can be done in this situation, with the knowledge I have right now?” If the answer is yes, (and it usually is when we’re frustrated), then seeing where we’re applying unnecessary pressure on ourselves for the present situation to be different is key.

Where does that come from?

Once we see why we need the validation of a situation to turn out right, we can gain clarity on our actions and our value. Once we really start honoring our value, we can feel grateful for exactly what is in our lives. We can look at the frustrating situation and know that it’s teaching us gratitude. It’s taught us that there is freedom from the murkiness of believing life has done us wrong, or we’re wrong.

I can be grateful right now for all that is in my life. It allows me to be accepting, and not in such a hurry. I can look at the past and feel thankful for the experiences, which have brought to the place of value I feel in myself.

The power of true gratitude is a feeling of softening, because it connects us to a greater source than ourselves. We’re not so worried and caught up in what might never happen.

Gratitude allows us to connect to our creativity. When we are in this space of freedom, connecting to the creative within us, it opens a door to new thought. We gain a new approach and an opportunity to lessen the intensity of our circumstances, enough so, that our actions coming from gratitude can lead us to a completely different place than we are today.

Thanking every experience and person, past or present for their contribution to helping us discover our true value, places us squarely in an empowered space.

Links to the four other posts in this series:

The Power Of Presence

The Power Of Balance

The Power of Abundance

The Power of Insecurities

 

 

Old Ghosts

Photo by Daniel Schwabe

Life events big and small occur without provocation.

One day you’re at the top of the mountain, another day, you’re arm-wrestling with an Octopus and the next you’re grappling with the shadows of yesteryear.

Those shadows can play havoc with your sense of self and your well-being in the present moment.

We all have people who never saw us for who we truly are or fought against exactly that, having wanted us to fit their image. And when we didn’t, when we walked away or they did, we believed it was done.

Maybe it was physically over, but what about emotionally? What about the exes? Whether they were a friend, spouse or some other significant relationship, did you heal?

You could be over it; you don’t really think of the person at all, unless you have kids, relatives or common friends with them. And that could make them a constant reminder of what “went wrong.”

You run in to them, or someone mentions a conversation in which you were the subject; it’s like yesterday is today AGAIN. You listen and “boom” it grips you; that emotional jackhammer! You feel the anger, pain, frustration, hatred or a strong emotion, and it can surprise you!

You thought this person had no more influence over your emotional state than an ant, BUT whether it’s for a minute or days later, you still react to them.

I don’t care how much therapy, meditation, electro-shock therapy or coaching you may have had…you’ve been side-swiped.

This person knows just how to upset you or make you feel off-kilter. They push your buttons; say things about you, which have nothing to really do with WHO YOU ARE in its entirety or they bring out some deep hidden desire inside of you for re-acquaintance.

It seems they knew a different you.

The “you” who was in relation to them. That part of you, they knew, they figured was the whole you.

But, it wasn’t.

It was just a part of you in reaction to them or the only part you felt safe showing to this person. It could be the role you took on in the past, liar, cheater, caretaker, victim, rescuer, lover, fighter, etc… and this person brings back that memory of those pieces of you.

Not the whole picture, just the parts they interacted with and “believed” you to be, their perception, which has stayed unchanged by time or growth.

The time warp of emotions that stopped a long time ago, may have just been in a deep freeze, especially if they are related to shame, frustration, insecurity or any other of the dark parts we try to shield.

I was married in my twenties. I was married to an alcoholic.

When I met him, we were both having a great time, partying and being responsible (yes, not irresponsible; two work-a-holics makes for an interesting combo). I mention this, because it took me a long time to understand how I ended up there and why. Even when I left, it wasn’t because of his “ism,” it was because I had lost myself; I had a big empty emotional hole and I was never seen for who I truly was as a person.

I couldn’t even see me, or understand on the deeper levels, what I required and how to break through my own walls, because they had always been there…so how would I know  to break through?

It took years for me to understand, how I had been seeking “emotionally unavailable,” men, because I was too.

I liked being independent and deluded myself into believing all sorts of reasons as to why.

And when I got real with myself, understanding the attraction, another thing happened, what had been “abnormal,” but I had made appear “normal,” really never was okay with me.

And so, when I hear things pertaining to a warped idea or derogatory remark from the past, I look at the context it was made in and why. I look for the harm it causes, not to me, but to the self-infliction, the children, friends and other family members.

Yet, my first reaction, is the same one I had years ago; the one in which I was never seen for “me” and instead, myopically distorted into a caricature.

And what these ghosts show us, is our perceived limitations, our lack of trust in our authenticity, the fears of vulnerability, which meant accepting our darker parts. Not through the eyes of another, it isn’t about defending oneself.

When old feelings emerge,it’s an opportunity to empower the darkness we want to run from. Giving light to the shadows and admitting how we hid, put up with, punished, suffered or any other self-induced pain we believed we deserved at the time.

Have we grown in self-acceptance?

Can we discern if a statement truly fits who we are RIGHT now?

And discard it by realizing, it’s someone else’s perception.

There is no fight or reason to change it; we never had to take it personally.

If you want to defend or prove you are not who the past believes you to be, ask yourself “why” it matters? The discovery is no matter what someone else thinks or says….

There is always the choice.

Ghosts or present-tense, when you can open and BE you, all of you, there is no apology, excuse, shame, or blame. Just an acceptance that you are human and ghosts are fleeting,  just shine a little light on them and watch them dissipate.

Teaching People How to Treat Us

Got a complaint? See the round file to the left.

Words.

Words used to convey displeasure with no solution, become words with no meaning.

It’s almost like the drone of ocean waves on your radio, lulling you into a coma. Except when you complain with the hope of change happening, the drone upsets and creates “defensive” drama rather than calm.

Don’t like drama?

Hmmm.

We create it by our response to it, even if it doesn’t begin with us.

Many of us find ourselves in situations at work or our personal life in which we feel confined or flat out, we feel miserable. Sometimes we feel the only strength we have is the power to complain.

And stay stuck.

And continue to teach people it’s okay to treat us in a certain way, which may be disrespectful of our needs, our time or our value.

And no amount of complaining to the source or our friends or family will change the dynamic. 

We find these scenarios over and over again, until we take responsibility and say STOP.

We stop ourselves from the din of our own voice repeating the same thing over and over.

We stop moving backwards and we stand still.

The realization has hit us between the eyes.

Today we understand how much power we have been giving away.

This dawning allows us to see clearly.

We are aware of three reasons we are so angry. The first reason is from our own expectations that a situation or a person should change without us changing too.

And the second reason we are angry, is that it doesn’t change. Our belief that if we were nice, accommodating or silent it would get us what we want; except it NEVER DOES. And so that anger we have basted, stewed and have trouble containing is turned inward on ourselves.

And anger at the self is manifested into some lovely habits of denial, compartmentalizing and numbing out. Some activities, support the numbing, whether it is over-eating, drinking, gambling, shopping or anything which becomes unhealthy, because of the reasons behind it.

And all the while, you may have the veneer that you are just fine. Except you are not.

The third reason is we’re completely lost as to why we allow this dynamic to keep happening in our lives (Part of my job is to help others see the pattern within clearly).

When we allow behaviors, and negative situations to happen, but wait for a miracle, we are abusing ourselves in anticipation of, again, something outside of us changing.

There is no empowerment in trying to control what you CANNOT in your external world.

There’s always a choice, sometimes this choice makes you the most uncomfortable. It’s the one that you put off, put aside and try to avoid and it’s the one you need to choose for your own welfare.

Today you begin. You connect the dots; you see your part as the lead actor in your own play. It is sort of exciting, because it’s a major opportunity.

You get to change your mind, make decisions and do the right thing for you.

I’ve learned in my own life that even though I may be in a precarious position, one in which I need money, love, friendship, work, etc….I have to GIVE UP the need that is killing me!! If I stay ALLOWING my feelings, boundaries, wants and needs to get trampled, I am stuck!

Even though standing for myself is SOOOO hard, it’s actually simpler and happier in the long run.

Everyone is then clear on what I accept, when I act respectful toward myself.

When I do make a different decision, sometimes loss is inevitable. Other times, I receive a major surprise. When making a decision for ME, I’m prepared for there to be a loss and to accept whatever the outcome is in the situation.

When you stop accepting shitty behavior, which doesn’t happen through your words of complaint, people either go away or start to treat you with respect.

Your external actions, non-engagement and change of attitude are what lead you out of this crapp-a-licious pattern.

Your internal recognition of you are the creator of your Universe is important to embrace. It’s up to you, to look at the “feelings” and “emotional obstacles” you’ve placed inside your mind, which make you BELIEVE you DESERVE misery and not happiness.

We tell ourselves some mighty fine stories as to why we stay in a victim or martyr position, thinkin’ we’re doing the right thing for ourselves or someone else…we think it’s the ONLY way.

IT’S NOT!!!

It’s the choice we’re used to making in our lives. When we don’t look inside , but stay focused on the problem outside of us; we don’t get to the root of the issue. This causes pain everyday. EVERYDAY.

I work with clients all the time, who cannot seem to get a handle on a situation. They look at the problem rather than how they are the common denominator in the recurring theme.

Once they start to see their part in the soap opera, a change happens. They see their “story” that they created to keep them living in this limited world.

It’s always an old story from the long ago past.

When teaching people how to treat you, it comes from you treating yourself better. There is no need to be protective or manipulative or victimized.

It’s your change of perception, which changes EVERYTHING.

You no longer see the world through old filters from the LIMITED old story.

You start to set boundaries down with people, even when you’re afraid they can abandon you….and AMAZINGLY, instead of it harming you, it creates confidence and self-esteem.

Well-being becomes the norm for you, when you stop participating in a drama that harms you. If you are interested in chatting with me about this topic, please email me at Tracy@tracycrossley.com

Love is the answer

Sometimes love is not enough for something to work out.

Love doesn’t break it, everything that isn’t love seems to be in control.

Love is just love.

Excuses are what makes the world go round.

I know every time I give a reason to someone, it is an excuse. Not necessarily meant to defend myself, but to give an explanation for why I made a choice.

In love, whatever isn’t in support of it, is an excuse. And the excuse is really covering for a choice someone is making without stating it or even knowing their own truth. Who wants to dig that deep to know “why” the ego says no, instead of yes?

Maybe excuses win, because…

Too little time.

(I’m stressed at work, you demand too much of my time–so I’ll give you less time, the kids, the laundry, my friends, tv show)

Too much time.

(I want to spend every minute with you, but I’m afraid of losing myself, so I’ll give you less or run away; I spend too much time being with you–I never do what I want on my own, because you get upset)

Too needy.

(I feel like all I do is give to you; I talk to you 5 times a day; Why do you always need affection, attention? I’m tired of your needs)

Too distant.

(Days go by with no word, whether we live together or apart; intimacy…what intimacy? Vulnerability makes you hide; no attention makes me lonely)

Too angry.

(I am so sick of this situation.You’re selfish. Jerk. All I do for you and you give me nothing. I hate you.YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!)

Too sad.

(The past was better or worse. I settled. I deserve nothing good. I can’t get over the time you (or someone in my past) did that “to me.” I’m better off somewhere else.)

Too happy.

(Why are you happy when I’m miserable? I’m happy and it seems no matter what you distance yourself more from me; Your happiness makes me fel not good enough for you)

Too good.

(This is an amazing relationship-its too good to be true, how can I destroy it?; I’ve never felt so comfortable, uh oh what if I lose myself? What if you leave me, when you find out I’m so unworthy?)

Too bad.

(What if no one else wants me, I better stay; He/she is just like my Mother/Father/StepParent–if I can just get he/she to love do what that parent didn’t I’ll be healed–except they are pretty cruel to me and life is passing me by)

Too insecure.

(Where are you? What are you doing? Why can’t I go? I hope you are miserable without me, you suck; You are not very attractive, no one else will want you like I do; I will destroy the relationship, because he/she is too kind to me and I deserve nothing good)

Too disappointing.

(He/she never helps me; he/she always fails me; Can you ever do anything right?; Wow, nothing ever happens that this person promises me, its like they want me to suffer for loving them)

Too much punishment

(All of my wants and needs are ignored, but he/she says they love me; I deserve to suffer, there must be some reward sooner or later; I stay, because I love him/her and I’m neglected; someday the pain will stop)

Control

(You cannot do that, I will be angry, sad, ignore you, etc…; It’s my way or the highway; Do it yourself; No, you can’t do that, you’re too stupid, I’m the only one who can do it; I promise I’ll be there on time; if you change that, I’ll leave you.)

Not a very loving list and that doesn’t include everything that love IS NOT. Just examples of where love loses, it doesn’t have a chance amongst all that chatter.

Love is stomped out, excuse after excuse, after excuse.

Thing is…loving yourself and your partner enough to stay in the game gives love a fighting chance. The bottom line; what do you really want? Do you want a relationship with this person? Do you love them, do you love yourself?

Tough questions, but when I find myself in the land of ego with a litany of excuses, I ask myself the question…Am I coming from love and are my “actions/words” in alignment with my goal?

That’s when I get my most vulnerable, after all if I say I want to stay or go, with love, then I better get with my own program. Those excuses close us off to love in ourselves and to the other.

Sometimes love means to go and be with yourself for awhile, so you can clearly see what you have and what your heart (not your head) really wants.

Other times it means to leave an unhealthy situation, because the cost is too high and if you stay, you remain a victim. And just cuz you leave doesn’t mean you will immediately, find better…it doesn’t work that way. You have to get clear with what draws you to a situation with such a high cost or you run the danger of attracting it again.

And sometimes throwing down your weapons and staying, because you want real, honest, authentic love is the answer. Fear equals EXCUSES. All those excuses are FEAR talking!

The question is…when you get to your last day here, will you look back on a life of excuses or a life lived from the heart having lead you to amazing experiences?

I know what I choose.

Tracy@tracycrossley.com

Can I have your approval…please?

Painting by Chagall

What would you be doing right now?

Or…

Who would be your partner?

Or…

Where would you be living, if you had listened to your heart?

Maybe you’d be here.

Life is never perfect, so why do our expectations reflect the desire for perfection from our decisions in the personal parts of our life?

Do we believe we’ll  finally make the magical decision, in which the stars align?

Maybe for a moment, but it’s usually followed by some unforeseen hardship or pain that we did not anticipate, which may have us thinking we made a bad decision. (Again)

No matter what way you choose, you’ll hit a RED LIGHT somewhere, a glitch in our perfect image of a spectacular outcome. It is life.

Find yourself making a decision with your head? You’re probably seeking approval.

When we make a decision from OUR heart, we’re more really connected to it and bear disapproval.

Yep! Approval, validation, I’m okay, smart, balanced, mature and not a f—k-up! It’s what we search from gaining a group consensus; follow the rules of others, do the right thing (according to who?), over-think, over-analyze, get stuck with indecision or fear, and second-guess ourselves.

Approval?

Do you approve of me?

It might be an invisible entity whose approval you seek?

Getting permission from people to approve of what you want to do, can feel like a matter of life and death. Sometimes we need to hear, “It’s not a crazy idea” or perhaps, we want to hear “Are you nuts?!!” 

We ask, even when we already know what we’re going to do, crazy or not!

In taking a poll though, we don’t trust ourselves, especially listening to our head, not our heart. Fear of ANOTHER bad decision, we can’t be trusted, so going along with what someone recommends, leads us to believe it’s a sure bet!

BUT….

Unless the decision agrees with our heart, we will regret that choice. If we went along to get along, chances are we needed approval.

It’s those pesky childhood beliefs; telling us we’re incapable, stupid, a loser, not to be trusted and always, always failing at something, it undermines the very life we want to live.

Recognize those old voices for exactly what they are, you can choose to ignore their command and make a decision for yourself, which “feels” right.

Approval from others is fickle, subjective and untrustworthy, it’s based on their experiences, opinions and perception.

Making a decision without consulting with your friends, family or the National Enquirer? Uh-oh!

Afraid to tell others, because someone will give you a hard time or make you feel bad? Ugh!

Can you stand behind your decision, your commitment and let it speak louder, so your peeps are supportive? YES?

In gaining a consensus, we my fear going against it to do what we really want. Can you recall times you DID the right thing only to realize it was a HUGE mistake? Yeah, me too.

It is not worth the price anymore.

I’d love everyone to agree with all of my decisions, but it’s not possible. I’d love to please the world, but only in taking care of my well-being.

It is just not possible to live happily and confidently, if I worry about approval. Worry means I won’t follow my heart when making a decision.

I have watched miracles happen in situations, where my head is telling me to be a jerk, close a door or be stubborn and instead, I opened my heart wider.

Some tough decisions originate from our heart.

Staying or going based on what we need to do can be tough. Dig deep, find your truth, even your hard decisions will become solid.

Self-love means doing what’s right for us without compromise. Make decisions with full confidence no matter what the result, because it’s your truth.

Results are related to our growth, it feeds our well-being. Second guessing means our head is searching for approval, and often when we live our truest, happiest existence it is way beyond the approval of others.

Interested in taking this a step further? Sign up for a free discovery session today.

 

Is it under a rock?

                                                                            Ai Weiwei

Where is true, true, TRUE, true happiness?

Outside of me?

Above or below me?

How about in the next town over? Where or where has my happiness gone? Is it between the two banks to the river?

The trees?

My children’s faces?

The smile or sound of the voice of the man in my life?

Maybe its my favorite song, food, family or friend?

I know, I know…its writing, painting, helping others to see their own beauty?

These are all moments, thoughts and interludes of happiness.

They are a temporary buoyancy.

I realize the only place happiness is sustained is within me. I am the only one capable of bringing it home to me.

My decisions MUST reflect the feeding and caring of my own happiness.

Happiness should be treated like a special pet.

Every time I think of making a sacrifice of happiness for someone else…I ruin their happiness too. When I am not FULLY me, when I am “me for you”, whether you are my friend, child or lover; pain is being created.I must put my needs in front of the wagon pulling me along; when I am fulfilled, I can be that beacon of light for others too.

There is an image I hold of a house of cards.

There is no strong cement foundation sustaining the tower of cards, only the thin stilts of the cards providing the base. And I see how I squeeze happiness into the compartments the cards make as they are built on nothing stable….I see that happiness is not THE base, because if it were so, happiness would NOTbe shimmied and squeezed into those compartments.

The happiness would be my foundation, the frame, the materials…..not just stolen moments, before I slip back into doing things that create unhappiness.

And of course if I create unhappiness for me, it affects everyone around me…no matter how well I hide it. When I deny myself love, kindness, truth, courage and just suck it up so I give the appearance of “happiness”, I am depressed inside and others who pay attention see it no matter how well I pretend.

I get IT my happiness is about MY choices.

My decision of what’s next will either bring me misery or pleasure, but if my constant goal is SUCCESS….then I must align with what may be difficult and break the chain of compliance, victimization, childish behavior and cowardice to break from misery and walk into my own light.

Can I do it?

I see it more clearly everyday.

As I know if I don’t grasp the idea of happiness at my deepest level, then I will just go on recreating the past.

And it is hard to see through all the techniques my mind has to keep me stuck in the merry-go-round of woe. I feel at times there is no use, the cards have folded, the pressure of my thoughts, so intense with anxiety and this is just the way it is so, I should just sit on the floor….. For the next 30 years.

I can’t go find happiness, nope!

You can’t pursue it.

It finds you. When you are quiet, open and allowing…it sneaks up on you.

The deep sense of joy may be profound the first time it appears, because it will show up for absolutely no reason.

You’ll feel good, because you’re alive.

That will be when you know “happiness” is within you.

I have experienced this feeling more and more of the time as I get clear with myself.

And I say that, because it is possible for everyone to be happy, experience well-being without having life circumstances be perfect.