What Do I Have To Be?

I could ask anyone (friends, family, strangers and those who don’t like me) “What do I have to be?” and get a variety of answers.

Think about it… what would that mean in your life?

Of course you can ask people on Twitter and they will call you a “sweet soul” or say “you’re amazing,” or that they’re “honored to follow you” without even knowing you. Do you have to live up to those words?

What if you’re a pissed-off soul, a sad soul or (shudder) an asshole soul, like me?

I laugh as I write it because we all have our crap: things that aren’t very nice.

Many of us hide ’em to get past our own judgments, opinions and expectations.

I remember asking myself, “What do I have to be?”  because it seemed other people were always the answer. Their opinion mattered more than my own. As a kid my parents told me I was unlikeable, so I wanted to hide the fact that I was some kind of “asshole”. (Whatever we think we’re hiding, you can be guaranteed it will come to the surface sooner or later.)

I became a rescuer and a clown. I toned down my intellect and any needs I had. Problems? What problems? I fit on the outside, while the inside just cried and became resentful. Until one by one these facades I created to get validation I was OK were impossible to maintain.

Lying to myself became a non-option.

So the question remains, “What do I have to be?”

• Successful
• Beautiful
• Talented
• Wealthy
• Youthful
• Perfect
• Nice
• Smart
• Lovable
• Unblemished

And so on, and so on. It’s just stupid.

Ever notice the people on TV or in movies who’ve distorted how they look as they age? Or ruined their bodies trying to achieve “perfection”?

Who are they making happy? Certainly not themselves.

They asked the question, “What do I have to be?” and listened to someone else tell them there’s only one path to success. No one (not them or the person advising them) gave two shits about happiness, peace or personal joy. It’s what happens when you’re missing the keys to your own front door.

Ask one of them if they are happier or if in fact, just more insecure.

If you don’t value yourself, you feel like you could be easily discarded; tossed out like trash. It doesn’t matter how awesome people say you are. Until you value yourself, you’re disposable.

I nicknamed myself “asshole soul” because in my fear I hid the seven-year-old asshole in me, having no idea that my fear-based actions would someday be my undoing. All of it originated in my lack of value, so why did I think others could give me what I couldn’t give myself? I figured I could show up perfectly; I was the rescuer. So when I stopped devaluing myself and started standing my ground, I learned something.  You survive when people stop valuing you. You learn you don’t die.

Even when you’re an asshole soul like me, one thing I came to know is no matter what, people perceive you however they choose; not how I chose for them. So why not start valuing who you are, flaws and all?

How do you do that, you may ask?

Pay attention to your insides screaming NO (and don’t say yes).

Stop pretending. I didn’t realize how much I had been burying my true feelings… so when the end came to a relationship, a job, a business partnership, it held true: I couldn’t pretend that I felt differently or that I could go against myself any longer. 

To quite all facades requires an emotional opening, one which weighs into the side of “I can no longer conceal pain or suck it up,” you will feel it emotionally and physically when you’re ready to really step into valuing yourself.

What else?

Take inventory with yourself. For me, I can’t maintain relationships with people who are uncompromising, take NO responsibility, bash me and then pile blame on me. That is non-negotiable. So is inconsistency, and people who say things but their actions say something totally different.

Don’t make fear-based decisions (So what if someone makes a raspberry at you?). They always create pain for all involved. Let me explain this a bit. You can get caught up in processing fear; it can get your brain speeding through multiple scenarios and even convince you to head in a direction based on fear BUT you can stop yourself before a choice is made.

It might make you an asshole soul like me, but I guarantee you’ll be able to live more harmoniously with yourself in honesty. You’ll feel for other humans, contemplating “aw shucks, do I have to be the asshole this time?”  Folks, it doesn’t matter, people are going to think whatever they think. We can’t prevent them, and for those of us who try to be pious or self-righteous, that’s a bunch of bullshit too.

I had a brief exchange with a friend about the presidential race; she was stating one candidate was dirty. Statements backed by emotions, not facts, tend to irritate me.

Pious and self-righteous actions don’t fly with me, so I said to her, “I can go look in the mirror and so can ANY human being, and say I’m dirty.” Perhaps not with intention, but because we’ve all made shitty decisions and horrible mistakes. I said, “Can’t you say that you’ve done less than stellar things, perhaps even ‘dirty’ deeds?” And she said, “yes.” 

We condemn so easily, and the question is, “What do I have to be for you to like me or not judge me or to cut me a break?  The answer is ME.

We have to accept ourselves, and stop blaming others, even politicians. They show up the way they do because we create the fear-based battlefield for it to happen (open up a history book and watch how we repeat fearful actions over and over). If we busied ourselves by being who we ARE and not who we think others will accept, then this world would be different.

It would be peaceful because if I’m loving me as asshole soul and you’re loving you as asshole soul, then we would have a love-fest going on and could really love each other because we would be filled with love, and recognize our shared humanity.

It’s not about having a revolution outside of us; it’s about having an evolution inside of us!

Fear is the only thing that asks: What Do I Have To Be?

Benefits Of Unhappiness

I had a client, Sara, who has been married a few times and was in a long term relationship.

She felt that she left her marriages prematurely, so she was determined to stick with this dysfunctional relationship until the end.

Her sessions would start off with a rant about her mate. She rattled off situations, which irritated her and focus on his glaring shortcomings, so I would seek to understand her point, by asking questions.

Questions such as:

1. So, what you’re saying is, he takes no responsibility and blames you for the issues in your relationship?
2. Okay, he doesn’t validate your feelings? Or he invalidates what you think and feel?
3. Oh, so what you’re saying is everything is his fault and you’re the victim?
4. Um, so you do or you don’t want to leave him?
5. Huh, alright…so what you’re saying is everything is really okay?

Venting?

Complaining?

What did she really want?

She wanted to remain in her unhappiness, because it’s where she knew how to function.

She wasn’t looking for change; she operated by talking in circles, because changing her circumstances, meant having to look inside and take responsibility for her misery. Instead it was easier to play the victim in her life story.

Sara never saw herself as a victim, she’s tough! She’ll kick ass!

She defended her disempowerment and her life with a mate who didn’t really get her….one where she felt stifled, misunderstood, apathy, unhappy and not thriving.

She didn’t want it to change.

At the end of her tirade, I’d ask a simple question, again, so I understood where she was coming from, and she’d launch into a litany of reasons to defend her circumstances.  She ALWAYS had an answer for all the issues she blew up about in her rant, those problems were OKAY–she’d say, “it’s just the way it is and nothing will change!” It was all a big ‘whatever’ or ‘okay’ or ‘who cares’ whenever I’d ask if she planned on staying disempowered and miserable.

She liked being stuck right where she was, it served her.

Another thing Sara would do to show she wasn’t a victim in her eyes, is she could predict his behavior or what would happen in the future.

When people tell me the details about what another person is going to do, I don’t congratulate them. Instead, I point out three things:

1. The focus is on the other person, not YOU, yourself–where it needs to be.
2. You, me and everyone else are the creators of our own lives; it’s not really a prediction you’re making about your mate, it’s what you help to create, because of how YOU show up in the relationship too.
3. When you predict your mate’s words or actions in a negative light, and you feel angry, you’ve given them YOUR power–you’re a victim.

Not pretty, but choosing to live in a constant state of strategy, so you’re ‘perception’ is proven right by your predictions, its a way of numbing out the pain.

The benefit is to remain in this comfort zone.

No change will happen.

In Sara’s case, she could predict it all, be angry or apathetic, because deep down inside she feared nothing better was out there.

No one stays unhappy unless there’s a benefit. Having no interest in looking inside of yourself, as to why you’re not happy and being willing to do something about it…means the benefit of misery outweighs the desire for change.

It’s not about changing other people.

I’ve had many people like Sara, pissed off and feeling motivated to do something, until they see the ‘something’ they must do takes them out of the ‘control’ position (comfort zone).

The drama they complain about keeps them in control of their shitty situation. If they released their partner from being responsible for their unhappiness, they’d be face to face with their fear.

The benefit to being unhappy outweighs the fear of change when you do the following:

1. Make excuses.
2. Argue and defend your position.
3. Bitch about your circumstances, but eschew any new solution.
4. Control through manipulation (most people do not see how they do this)
5. Resistance inside and outside is familiar and where you live most of the time.

How do you switch gears and take into account your delight in your misery, so you can let go, move through and find your inner happiness?

To start with….

1. Stop excuses–when you hear them come up in your mind, QUESTION THEM. Ask yourself what the truth is under the excuse.
2. Feel the fear of losing an argument, of being wrong and see that its a perception, not an absolute truth. When you stop defending, and realize you CANNOT convince someone else or yourself of your position…you may feel a loss of control, allow it…and feel the freedom from the perspective underneath it.
3. Stop the complaining. It is a merry go round of energy in your mind–a loop–stop it and ask it’s purpose? All it does is distract you from you and what your real cause of unhappiness is at the moment.
4. Stop focusing on other people and what they do or don’t do, and figure out what you’re doing and WHY. Not because someone is causing you to do something, but what is YOUR real motivation?
5. Resistance….it persists, until you move yourself out of that position. Why do you you feel it must be the way you see it? Is there another way?

 

 

You Can Speculate About Him Or Her….

Until the cows come home.

Mind reading 101.

It is a complete and total waste of time.

Dealing with someone who doesn’t speak truth or who’s actions don’t match their words? So, tiring.

The entire situation, in which, we feel we’re always left scratching our head, when it comes to someone we love, who practices no consistency, shows up and ships out, or isn’t honest about their intentions….can make a person feel crazy!

Why do people come into our lives who say they love us to pieces, give us words as a lifeline, but then do a 180 degree turn and disappear for days/weeks/months or put major distance between us?

It’s called emotional unavailability.

FEAR is at the base, but it goes unrecognized, even with all the anxiety or panic brought on when someone gets too close … the person who is outwardly unavailable isn’t examining why they are pulling away…they just need to go!

You or me, we are inwardly unavailable. We feel this is as good as we can do, or this is our value…what we deserve based on fear related to a belief, which we’ve probably had for many years.

Whether it is someone who we have a revolving door relationship with, or a yo-yo, or some other toy description…this relationship feels toxic.

There are warning signs in the beginning, but we often miss them. We may not want to be alone, we may have low self-esteem or something, which makes us susceptible to the charms of a person who cannot emotionally commit.

We analyze the crap out of what the person says, what he or she must be thinking and of course the un-matching actions. We ask our friends, neighbors, relatives. We look online, pick up a ton of books and spend way too much time thinking about it.

We need help here, don’t we?

The issue in having a relationship with someone who is a yo-yo, they come close and then they back off, or out and we take it personally. We think there is something wrong with us.

And yes, there is something wrong with us (and it’s not what you think), we’re looking in the wrong direction or at the wrong characteristics to get to the root of the issue.

The place to look is in the mirror. When we focus on their doing or lack of doing, coming and going, saying words that sound like a commitment, but are only meant to keep us hanging in the balance…we can get caught up in it, so we stop looking at ourselves.

When this person returns (again) into our lives, after vacating the premises momentarily or for a long period of time, we may become easily convinced through their renewed presence that there is more meaning to it than actually is shown. We may be given breadcrumbs, but look for the deeper meaning, after all they keep showing back up!

The situation we’re in is not easy to break. We may romanticize the dysfunction and take responsibility for the fact that the relationship falls apart, but that is not the place to find out truth. The truth is in our “why,” we may be so convinced that no one will ever love of us more, or at all. We may be convinced our needs are excessive, because we weren’t valued when we were younger.

Now we must find our truth, and re-focus.

Take our focus off this person who rips our heart out each time they go, and learn what it is that keeps us attached. Sit with the anxiety, the unease–the auto-pilot thoughts which tell us we aren’t worthy…what is underneath it?

As we focus less on the other person, more on ourselves and opening our heart….truly moving away from the emotional unavailability within us and recognizing our fear, we start on a new journey leading us to having the relationship we truly want. It takes time, it takes effort–but it is all within us to change the trajectory.

You can email me at Tracy AT tracycrossley dot com or sign up for Complimentary Relationship Session. I am also having a free Teleseminar in August, you can get details and sign up here: FREE Teleseminar.

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place?

It’s a tough place to “breathe.” Especially when you feel the walls closing in no matter what you do.

Apparently, many of us share the same destination of that rock and a hard place, the conditions vary for each of us, but it looks something like this:

1. You’re out of work, you have been for a really long time. Something comes along (after a ton of effort), it looks like the answer to what you need, only to find yourself right back where you started.

2. You’re in a relationship, which it seems no matter what you communicate with your mate and what you both “wholeheartedly” agree to, nothing ever changes.

3. You’ve worked on yourself ad nauseum, stripping away all that isn’t real or that doesn’t work for you, only to find you are still in the same place with your life circumstances. You changed, but your life did not.

4. You are working at one or maybe two jobs to support yourself or your family. You dislike what you do (or it’s just overwhelming) to the extent that just showing up each day is a challenge. You feel you can’t quit and you can’t stay, no matter what you do…it always is the same.

5. You start dating, you feel you know what you want and you feel confident in that space. The issue is you either keep attracting the same type of person or no one at all. You feel doomed for crappy relationships or to be alone forever.

Those are just a few scenarios, which came to mind. The holidays seem to exacerbate these issues for many and make one feel even more stuck in their unwanted circumstances.

I have found a few things can help to alleviate the powerless feeling. 

1. Acceptance. As hard as it is, when you let go of the internal resistance to your situation, you feel better. It may not solve your issue, but at least you can start to breathe.

2. Change your thoughts. I notice when Im in a place of doom and gloom, I get tired of thinking the same repetitive thoughts, it not only wears me out mentally–it has a physical toll. When you can catch some negative thoughts flying around, just stop em’ or change em’. At the very least you won’t have the mantra repeating itself in your head.

3. Put out the effort. Even though you’ve planted a bazillion seeds, keep planting more. One day your garden will grow. Don’t want to be alone? Keep dating. Don’t like your job? Keep on looking for a new one. Your relationship is just a hardship? Find the soft spots and focus on them. Without a job? Look in different places, get creative, talk to people…plant more seeds.

4. Let go. Lose the picture in your head of how you believe things are supposed to be. Just let things be the way they are, while you continue to participate the goal. The goal may look different when you get there, just allow it to develop, evolve…watch the signs that things are unfolding–it may take awhile, but it will move forth.

5. Focus on joy. Wherever you can find joy, go for it. If you love to paint; start painting. If you want to start a business you are passionate about–work on it an hour a day. If you are single and love to help; volunteer somewhere. Whatever your joy is…invest in it, especially when you are in a hard place.

Just a short list of techniques I use all the time. As you start to do these things, even if your situation remains uncomfortable, painful, et al… at least you can start to feel somewhat better. : )

Love is the answer

Sometimes love is not enough for something to work out.

Love doesn’t break it, everything that isn’t love seems to be in control.

Love is just love.

Excuses are what makes the world go round.

I know every time I give a reason to someone, it is an excuse. Not necessarily meant to defend myself, but to give an explanation for why I made a choice.

In love, whatever isn’t in support of it, is an excuse. And the excuse is really covering for a choice someone is making without stating it or even knowing their own truth. Who wants to dig that deep to know “why” the ego says no, instead of yes?

Maybe excuses win, because…

Too little time.

(I’m stressed at work, you demand too much of my time–so I’ll give you less time, the kids, the laundry, my friends, tv show)

Too much time.

(I want to spend every minute with you, but I’m afraid of losing myself, so I’ll give you less or run away; I spend too much time being with you–I never do what I want on my own, because you get upset)

Too needy.

(I feel like all I do is give to you; I talk to you 5 times a day; Why do you always need affection, attention? I’m tired of your needs)

Too distant.

(Days go by with no word, whether we live together or apart; intimacy…what intimacy? Vulnerability makes you hide; no attention makes me lonely)

Too angry.

(I am so sick of this situation.You’re selfish. Jerk. All I do for you and you give me nothing. I hate you.YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!)

Too sad.

(The past was better or worse. I settled. I deserve nothing good. I can’t get over the time you (or someone in my past) did that “to me.” I’m better off somewhere else.)

Too happy.

(Why are you happy when I’m miserable? I’m happy and it seems no matter what you distance yourself more from me; Your happiness makes me fel not good enough for you)

Too good.

(This is an amazing relationship-its too good to be true, how can I destroy it?; I’ve never felt so comfortable, uh oh what if I lose myself? What if you leave me, when you find out I’m so unworthy?)

Too bad.

(What if no one else wants me, I better stay; He/she is just like my Mother/Father/StepParent–if I can just get he/she to love do what that parent didn’t I’ll be healed–except they are pretty cruel to me and life is passing me by)

Too insecure.

(Where are you? What are you doing? Why can’t I go? I hope you are miserable without me, you suck; You are not very attractive, no one else will want you like I do; I will destroy the relationship, because he/she is too kind to me and I deserve nothing good)

Too disappointing.

(He/she never helps me; he/she always fails me; Can you ever do anything right?; Wow, nothing ever happens that this person promises me, its like they want me to suffer for loving them)

Too much punishment

(All of my wants and needs are ignored, but he/she says they love me; I deserve to suffer, there must be some reward sooner or later; I stay, because I love him/her and I’m neglected; someday the pain will stop)

Control

(You cannot do that, I will be angry, sad, ignore you, etc…; It’s my way or the highway; Do it yourself; No, you can’t do that, you’re too stupid, I’m the only one who can do it; I promise I’ll be there on time; if you change that, I’ll leave you.)

Not a very loving list and that doesn’t include everything that love IS NOT. Just examples of where love loses, it doesn’t have a chance amongst all that chatter.

Love is stomped out, excuse after excuse, after excuse.

Thing is…loving yourself and your partner enough to stay in the game gives love a fighting chance. The bottom line; what do you really want? Do you want a relationship with this person? Do you love them, do you love yourself?

Tough questions, but when I find myself in the land of ego with a litany of excuses, I ask myself the question…Am I coming from love and are my “actions/words” in alignment with my goal?

That’s when I get my most vulnerable, after all if I say I want to stay or go, with love, then I better get with my own program. Those excuses close us off to love in ourselves and to the other.

Sometimes love means to go and be with yourself for awhile, so you can clearly see what you have and what your heart (not your head) really wants.

Other times it means to leave an unhealthy situation, because the cost is too high and if you stay, you remain a victim. And just cuz you leave doesn’t mean you will immediately, find better…it doesn’t work that way. You have to get clear with what draws you to a situation with such a high cost or you run the danger of attracting it again.

And sometimes throwing down your weapons and staying, because you want real, honest, authentic love is the answer. Fear equals EXCUSES. All those excuses are FEAR talking!

The question is…when you get to your last day here, will you look back on a life of excuses or a life lived from the heart having lead you to amazing experiences?

I know what I choose.

Tracy@tracycrossley.com

Keep it Simple Sunshine

Complications arise when we are limited by fear.

When you are limited in this way, life loses its shine….

It becomes kinda boring!

You have no motivation to explore. Let your hair down. Run through a field of daisies or climb a tree.

You may do the same routine thing, which keeps you in a false sense of safety, because at some point something will change in all of that routine…probably unexpected and complicating your life in a way that throws you for a loop.

Fear brings complication.

Love and happiness are the gift of simplicity.

When you keep your perception, downsize your load of baggage, invest in your courage and have the light tomfoolery about you…you keep it simple.

Every time you think a complicated thought, ask yourself what is at the root of the thought. A fear? A bazillion reasons something is impossible? Trying to please anyone but yourself?

I could formulate quite a list, but it is easier to just focus on the four letter word at the base of all lethargy: F-E-A-R. 

We have excuses in turn, which create these complications.

The more reasons we have to stay stuck in inertia; the bigger the fear.

All fear is created from a false belief about yourself and the world, unless of course a lion has found its way to your living room…then its pretty much terror! But…when you are locked in sheer terror, it is still “simple”. The lion is a simple observation and you know what you are afraid of in that moment!

Simple is what your gut tells you when you are confused; it whispers to you as you find ways to complicate a situation. It tells you all that drama will not satisfy you, it will prolong your agony, because it holds you back from experiencing what you yearn.

Simply ask yourself what you yearn. And then when every reason comes up as to why your yearning is ridiculous, realize it is fear complicating your life.

It is not necessary.

Living simply in all ways contributes to a better quality of life. When you get right down to it, how worth it, is it, when you have been stressing over something, because you have unknowingly complicated it in your mind? Is there a payoff?

Or if you were to really dig down and see what was driving that stress, maybe its something like, I am afraid. They may find out I am a loser, I am worthless, I am unlovable, I am invisible, I am a failure, etc…

And the question to really ask yourself. Is any of that really true, now? 

Even if you believe it is true, does it matter?

Let’s go on a limb and say you are as screwed up as everyone else (whatever that means), it means you are human.

You are not perfect.

The pursuit of perfection is complicated, because it is unrealistic….and boring. Remember fear that keeps us from change and self-realization makes our lives boring. Our drama is boring. 

Simple is much easier, it looks fear in the face and says, “So what?”

Love allows simplicity.

Fear complicates….maybe your afraid to fully commit, dooming yourself and the relationship to failure.

No one gets a reward for sort of showing up.

You never know what you have missed when you let fear give you a million reasons why feeling good is really bad for you.

Fear tells you there is an end.

Fear tells you that you will lose control.

It complicates even simple relationships. And fear wins, it says I told you so, because you allowed it to make a mess in your head and ignore your heart. So, you NEVER got to experience the pure joy from another open heart that stood in front of you, ready to embrace you as you kissed your dream hello and to have felt your heart open to the vast expansiveness of love .

The heart whispers, fear screams.

Whenever you start hearing voices in your head, ask your heart what it wants and it will simply tell you the other four letter word: L-O-V-E!

The stories we tell…ourselves and others

Umberto Boccioni -Dynamism of a Man's Head.

How do you tell a story in which you can’t remember all the elements?

Is it even worth telling when some of it is misty or musty? Or do you just make up new details?

I ask myself this question as I look at what I’ve written and shared thus far on my blog and on elephant journal. I am beginning to realize the journey in sharing experiences has really only begun today.

Like most people, I have been a fairly private person when it comes to details of my life. 

As I let pieces and parts come out in my writing, it seems that others gain something from the excursion.

Which….leads me to this day. The journey to now writing stories that I have long forgotten some elements possibly crucial or maybe more like window-dressing.

And the thought of the word “story”, got me thinkin’ and I decided to explore it a bit with you today.

The “story” no longer defines me as “who I truly am.”

I don’t really have a story anymore, at least one that is set in stone. 

There is no horrible scar tissue that remains, as it used to be what drove me for years.

My view of the past with all its twists and turns on my path, used to convince me I thought I knew me.

I really had NO clue.

And I didn’t know how clueless I was until I was standing in the middle of major epiphanies! Wake up time!!

Do you know what I mean?

How have your past stories changed? And how did those stories change you?

What brought about your epiphanies?

I have epiphanies on a fairly regular basis.

My perception last week may have changed dramatically this week. Thank you light bulb moments!

Its a stretching and realization that everything changes, and when we resist, we’re screwed.

I was contemplating sharing some stories here, because what was painful to me, may be painful to someone else. And some of the things that were painful, may still bite me on the ass. Or in some cases, I may now be the compassionate observer to myself in a state of inner peace (at least in the moment).

We are all connected.

As much as we’d like to disconnect from some people, we remain connected… and to me, sharing our ever-changing experiences is a great place to remind ourselves of this truth.

The thing with stories, is they are just that “stories”, words with our special spin on past experiences, thoughts and perceptions of ourselves and our world.

When you realize you have the power within you to change your story, or destroy it and create a new one…. a whole world of ideas can open up to you.

If I feel like I am a loser and every story I tell about myself and my experiences to willing listeners ends with me “showing” how I am this huge loser….I have taken a story I believe and now given others the fertilizer to think the same thing.

And the funny thing is…

Number one: I am lying to myself me in my tale of woe, the belief is not true that I am a loser….its just the perception I am choosing, because there is a benefit to me in portraying myself as such a person.

And secondly, stories don’t define anything in terms of authentic truth about ourselves, if they are used to show how we are the victim or the super-hero. There is no true winner.

Either extreme is the ego looking to feel worthy through approval or prove once again that we are unworthy. Both sides of the coin show…we ain’t digging ourselves too much.

Thirdly, stories are from ONE viewpoint. You choose another POV and you have a brand new story.

We walk around exchanging these stories, these one-sided b.s. laden, fear-drenched, sad sack, victim stories. Stories can be very insightful and if you really listen, you can hear the honest truth beneath the words.

I spend a portion of my days as a coach listening to “stories”. And one service I provide is getting to the seed of the story, as to where the pain started by asking questions of my clients. Once there is the awareness of why a story exists, we can give it a broader more balanced perception. And this requires a lot of accepting on the part of the storyteller.

It gives way to freedom when we break out of our old, gloomy Gus stories. It gives us a plank to walk off into the unknown depths of who we are truly meant to be in this life. We are released to take chances and be the rock star we know lives in our heart!

Really, what lives under the weight of our stories is a sense of emotional adventure, passion, unlimited possibilities!

Stories keep us afraid. Stories keep us in suffering and pain. When you decide to change the story of your perception of your life by accepting you and the world, a tiny miracle happens. You stop suffering and you can see new possibilities.

It is that simple.

Don’t tell me how I should think, feel or be….Sh*t happens.

How often do YOU find either people in your life, society or even YOU are telling YOU what YOU should FEEL, THINK, ACT or BE regarding your life? Fairly often.

How do you get clear?

How do you find what “YOU” truly believe is true for you? Especially when you want to please the rest of the world and some odd hidden expectation that YOU have of YOURSELF in how YOU should fit into that picture.

What happens when you shut all the voices off in your head and listen to your heart and what is true for you?

A huge “MOTHER F—N” change is what will occur. GUARANTEED.

The difference between fear talking to you about how YOU should think or feel and your own soul… is like the difference between being locked in your closet and skydiving, with a lot of room in between.

When you cut FEAR off at the knees and decide to stand up for your heart; YOU may be scared shitless.

What if YOU are rejected for not towing the rope, making others comfortable by conforming to their wishes, end up without a job, friend, lover, money, et al? That is what holds us back. 

We fear losing the inauthentic that we hold onto for dear life. We fear losing the inauthentic pieces and parts. AND YET, WE CRAVE THE AUTHENTIC. We cry out for it!!!

We fear losing.

We fear.

We fear we are nothing without all these things telling us we are something. 

We fear if we stand, we stand alone.

It is actually the opposite.

We MISS what we never get!

Do you find yourself feeling that sense of absence, lack or missing? YES, that one…maybe its a sense of empty for you.

It is what happens when we live in our heads.

When we live in fear and think OTHERS’ thoughts, BELIEVE what we FEEL in our heart is WRONG or believe who we are just sucks and if only we could BE better, THINK the right thoughts, feel the right things and DO the right things that shitty shit feeling would go away.

But it doesn’t. Not in that way. And definitely NOT from doing the RIGHT thing.

It comes from NOT giving fear the reins.

It comes from KNOWING what is true for you, so that you think those authentic heart-lovin’ thoughts. It comes from embracing your feelings, whatever they may be and it comes from being cruddy, beautiful you—all of you.

When we let others influence how we FEEL about OURSELVES, we are going to REMAIN unhappy.

Other people fluctuate what they want and need too, just like you. There is no pleasing no one by twisting yourself into a pretzel.

Yet, there is pleasing others….most definitely. It comes from pleasing yourself.

And the realization that when you ACT or THINK from FEAR you affect others. You affect how they feel about YOU or YOUR situation (not how they feel about themselves), they make decisions based on reciprocity, authenticity, genuine truth, investment of energy in and out, and may choose to walk away when all your energy goes into instability, insecurity, pain, inauthenticity and fear. There is no real connection. You are not giving any part of you and what you most want in your life may leave….which is the last thing you actually want.

Let love in. Let love do its thing. Love will hold hands with fear. It will make it okay for fear to exist, but it will not allow fear to control. And when you act from love, the net affect on others is reciprocity, bonding, more love, happiness, because no one is focusing on the fear. 

Love is acceptance for all that is inside of you.

So, you had SHITTY EXPERIENCES and you “THINK” it came from stupid mistakes, trusting others and yourself, making the wrong decisions, not thinking through a decision, giving your power away, falling in love, falling out of love, listening to bad advice and so on.

Guess what?

Your shitty experiences are not based on all those statements. NOPE.

Did you ever hear the term, “Shit happens!”

No matter how well you choose a decision, a lover, a friend, a job, a home, a school, an activity, etc… you are at risk!!

You are at risk for life HAPPENING!

That is a given and a definite circumstance.

Life will happen and all sorts of stuff, challenges, miracles, things popping out of left field, things you anticipated and didn’t anticipate will happen. WHY? Because shit happens.

So, what does any of this have to do with getting the hell out of your head and living from your heart ? A LOT!!!

First off, as you can see from the evidence here, no matter what you do or don’t do, shit will happen.

YOU can analyze, strategize, ask a million other people what you should think, feel or choose as your decision ONLY to find, shit happens. 

We cannot prepare, all we can do is BE. Be YOU! Think what makes you feel good. FEEL all those passionate feelings about life and everything in it–why not? And put it all together and stand your ground for your heart.

Fuck your head.

Or at least hold hands with it–hold hands with “IF”. “IF” is fear. If this happens, if that happens, if there is an earthquake, if I make a mistake, if he/she leaves me, if I choose the wrong lunch, if I say the wrong thing, if I am ME and no one likes ME, if if, if, if…..“IF” shit happens? Then you deal with it and know….this too shall pass. 

Nothing will break us, but our own self.

We stand guard over the castle, not allowing ourselves to trust that we can make it on this journey across our own moat.

We can.

We can trust that we will still be in one piece, and that life will do whatever it does and we will survive. 

Love all your experiences. Let FEAR do what it wants. Don’t control it, just ask ….what would love do?

When we make decisions from our heart and they fall apart, it doesn’t hurt as much.

The reason is when you choose from your heart–it is authentic, true, honest you. It FEELS real, because it is real. You don’t have the inclination to beat yourself up as you do when you choose from fear.

When you choose from your head aka fear, you kick yourself a million times when something doesn’t go as planned or falls apart.

You sit and think of all the strategies and self-protection you didn’t employ. You think next time, I’ll be smarter. You carry it like a war wound. You expect to be hurt and not recover. Your world is small.

And unfortunately, when you choose form your head and fear, more shit happens. You lose the authentic; what is real; love; special moments; celebration; unity; harmony and happiness.

When the choice is from the heart, there is no berating of yourself, because you did the only thing you could do.

You chose what was true and if it didn’t turn out, maybe there is something better suited to you or maybe it was just an experience that you can look at from a wider perspective of not just the bad, but the good too.

Celebrate, love, be together, go after your dreams, please yourself…think from your heart, feel those exciting passionate feelings and BE the only YOU can be…..

And watch the “MOTHER F–N” change happen!!!

I got a secret about trust

Maybe you know it already?

And this may just be a small reminder, as I like to believe, we all need those once in awhile.

This is one of the biggest truth that I know in the name of TRUST.

When you say, I am going with the flow; I am allowing; it is out of my hands and I am along for the ride…

Are you really?

Have you let go of setting limitations (not boundaries), or are you saying something like this to the one you are in love with:

” I am in this relationship with you, and I am seeing where it goes, organically….but, I am NOT allowing either of us to force it or jump in head first. “

Sounds like a little policing activity, eh?

A little salt shaken, pepper ground and tossed with a bit of control.(or maybe a lot of control)

If you say your garden is free to manifest, grow and become a blooming Universe of delight, then you would allow it to do so…you would maintain its growth. All that is needed is to pull a few weeds, water, feed and nurture your garden, right?

If you trim your plants back too far, what happens? They wilt and die.

If you withhold water and care, what happens? They die. 

Same thing with your relationship too.

And what does this analogy have to do with trust? Everything.

Trust is never EVER, EVER, EVER about the other person. EVER!

If you remember that statement and apply it to your relationship, it is half the answer.

It is NOT about trusting others to NOT hurt or disappoint you. BECAUSE I GUARANTEE AND PROMISE THEY WILL….“trust,” the day will come…..and it will pass…..and life will go on and so will you, hopefully still together.

And the thing is….don’t hold onto the disappointment and hurt, let it go for your own health and well-being. It doesn’t mean you are a doormat, it means you are showing yourself kindness and love, which in turn is given to your partner.

What am I talking about?

Everyday is an opportunity to learn.

Today is a great day to start TRUSTING YOURSELF.

The key isn’t again trusting anyone else. The key is to RECOGNIZE YOUR FEAR….and do it anyways!!!

You THINK your fear is something like the following: Will they lie, cheat, forget, dismiss or do something to hurt me?

When in reality, that is NOT the issue.

In reality, it is your fear that you are NOT resilient enough to handle the pain of disappointment and hurt.

You don’t TRUST yourself to recover and breathe in the next moment.

You feel this ONE for sure could take you out of the game permanently, so you think, “Maybe I’ll play it safe and put one foot in and keep one foot out,” which by the way insures the “demise” of your relationship.

Playing it safe, is NEVER safe.

It is just a way to give pain, punishment and suffering to yourself and the other person, because it is limiting–there is no freedom, no oxygen….no flow, its really just a trickle.

You are NOT allowing.

You are saying, “If I cut a hole in one side of the box I live in…I can say I am NOT truly living in the box.” yet, the box is still your home, even if you cut a window in the side.

People spend a lifetime protecting themselves against hurt and disappointment only to find it happens anyway.

When I have a client who is complaining about their partner, it is usually fear talking…fear that their partner is and will disappoint them. And fear that they can’t handle it at all….they want a GUARANTEE where there is only one truth…that is: get used to the fact that you are both human and will disappoint each other…ain’t nobody perfect here!

We want to make it about the other person and what they “are or are not” doing. And then we don’t have to focus on our fear of being disappointed, because once they “all of a sudden” become perfect, everything will be okay. Hmmm?

It will never be okay when you depend on someone else to do the impossible and that is to be perfect.

What’s the secret about trust of yourself, in becoming resilient, knowing you can handle hurt and disappointment and not running for the safety of your box?

It is all in taking RISK.

It is only by doing, experiencing and living in and through that which scares you, is how you find your own resilience. Be bold, be courageous and RISK IT ALL, everyday!!! Now you are really living!!

And guess what…when you live with risk THERE IS FAR LESS disappointment, than when you play it safe.

Why?

Not only are you happier and your partner too, but all sorts of things don’t seem to bother you so much, because you know you are resilient and will make it through!!!

You will stop taking everything the other person does personally. It is realizing you’re both human and will make mistakes and guess what? You will survive.

And if you are really interested in learning how to stand vulnerably with who you are and your fears, I guarantee you will come through your relationship with more INNER PEACE and stability than you have ever known in your life.

Trusting yourself does NOT lead to bitterness, it leads to openness, freedom, understanding and allowing love.

Trusting yourself means you give and receive freely with no thought to the dude from Halloween showing up to ruin your day.

And when your partner disappoints you? So the hell what!

Yes, it should be discussed and if action is needed, it should be taken, but honestly…you will survive and instead of being a fragmented, compartmentalized person… you will find yourself fully engaged, whole and stronger while being happily vulnerable with a NEW understanding of what true strength, love and trust truly are to experience.

It is really the biggest secret…trust yourself and watch miracles and dreams come true. I promise.

Trance of Fear

Many of us were taught to be somewhat stoic in dealing with problems and tragedy. “A stiff upper lip, get over it or I can’t believe you are still dwelling on it” are some of the words tossed at us.

And over time these sorts of “rules to live by” make it difficult to be real. It is as though we are layering ourselves with a closetful of parkas to protect ourselves from the cold judgment of others and ourselves.

It becomes challenging to show and display what we really feel and think of ourselves; our weaknesses and strengths, because the real “you” may be under all those layers of this deep woolly coat. We hide the weak; show the strength, but maintain a façade of humility, so as not to make anyone think our ego is too large.

As we pretend to be okay, we sink further into feeling separate, alone and threatened.

The trance of fear arises from feeling emotionally cut off in relationships. We continue to feel fundamentally insecure until we begin to experience with others some of the love and understanding we needed as children.

The first step in finding a basic sense of safety is to discover our connectedness with others.  When we begin to trust the reality of another person caring, supporting us and feeling we deserve to belong, the stranglehold of fear loosens its grip.

How many relationships do you have with others where you feel emotionally connected? Where you can be yourself and are allowed the space to unveil your insecurities instead of hide or run from them?

Oftentimes when we are afraid in a relationship, we do things that we are completely unaware of in terms of how we make our partner feel.  We may be emotionally unavailable and not aware, because fear has us in a trance.

As an example, let’s say you and your husband always love spending time talking together at the end of the day. Now your husband turns on the television and when you try to interrupt him, he says, “Please, I just need to wind down…can you just let me be right now.” And you hear that resonate in your head and run off to your bedroom and cry. You are upset and feel your whole relationship is over or in serious trouble.

He follows after you to see what he “did this time” to have you run off in this way.

Overreaction? Yes.

All you know is that you feel abandoned and you have no idea why you are in a trance of fear. Try to sit with the feeling you have in the middle of your reaction and see what it tells you. You may remember something like your dad coming home from work each day and turning on the television. And when you wanted to share news with him about you and your accomplishments or problems; he told you “not now” or “can’t you see I’m watching tv” or maybe he got really angry and found your interrupting him to be a major offense.

Unfortunately, you had no recollection of this earlier moment when your husband responded to you as to his being preoccupied. And when you become aware of these sorts of “past interludes”, you can make a different decision in the present moment to deal with your insecurity. You are then at choice to take different action.

You could explain to your husband the cause of your reaction and open up communication for further conversation. This creates emotional “availability”, connection and takes fear out of the driver’s seat, literally.

Connection in a love relationship means opening up yourself to not being alone in any sense of the word. It is building a foundation of love and understanding, which is safe, where you can share fears that are buried under the layers of your parka.

We don’t have to choose to be alone, ever.