Want Real Love? Get Out of Your Own Way.

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All of our issues begin and end with ourselves.

Many of us want to place our entire focus on the other person, what they do right or wrong. Whether it’s a first date or a long term relationship, we believe if the other person would just stop or start to do something, all problems will be solved.

It reminds me of every time a new law is made, people think they have solved all the issues, but new ones crop up, almost immediately.

Love has absolutely nothing to do with someone acting in accordance with our idea of who they should be.

The human condition is not consistent. Life is inconsistent, so when looking outside of oneself for the responsibility in how things are we become powerless.

If we want real love, it’s been said several times, we must be love. Hard to do 24/7, but if we can practice it just a bit, we will create different relationship dynamics.

If we enter a relationship lacking self-awareness, thinking it’s the outside world, or the person rescuing us as our prince or princess charming, then eventually….we’ll blame them for all that doesn’t work. We may even delude ourselves into thinking all is okay when our communication with the other is not truthful.

Keeping up a pretense is never the road to love.

If we come out of a relationship blaming the other person for their ineptitude in some capacity, for its downfall, we need to take a deep look within and ask where we did NOT speak our truth, ACT in our truth or made CHOICES against our truth. If we do not do this, we will bring the past forward and have more relationships lacking love.

If we don’t have boundaries, which respect us first….our mate will not respect us.

Expectations, in which someone must  fulfill us will lead to disappointment. No one can reach inside of us and heal our pain. Only we can and it’s our perception, which keeps us there. Love doesn’t mean fixing someone else; it’s impossible.

If we’re treated in a way we don’t like, it’s our responsibility if we choose to remain in that ‘position’……

Meaning….

By taking no action or staying silent (waiting for someone to get it or playing the martyr–so there’s ammunition to beat him or her up with) then where’s the love?” It’s a game of victimhood.

In speaking our truth about how we wish to be treated (this is NOT a demand), we MUST treat ourselves in this respectful manner.

Let’s say our mate is always late, do we derive some pleasure out of it, because we know we can use it against them or guilt them into acting a certain way toward us? While also stewing on the frustration of waiting or the anger/hurt of feeling our time not valued? All of this is about ourselves THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.

We aren’t respecting or taking care of ourselves by playing victim, love is nowhere in sight and inevitably when we play victim/martyr, they will further disrespect us.

Some may argue to take any action means we’re trying to teach this person a lesson. Not true.

In speaking our truth, about him/her being late, while setting clear boundaries, “I will only wait 15 minutes, because I have to take care of myself and I don’t want to be angry,” and following those spoken words with action…we may feel odd at first–perhaps guilty, but we’ll end up feeling good, because we got out of our way, regardless of what the other person chooses to do. When our actions don’t punish the other person, because our happiness is the focus (not them), it will eventually lead to a choice point.

The choice point means, if the treatment we receive isn’t to our liking and we’re taking care of ourselves, we decide if we want to remain. This is not a reaction or a lesson to the other person, it’s deciding we want to have someone treat us, as well as we treat ourselves.

We cannot coerce someone to do our bidding, nor can any guilt trip continuously control the other person. They’ll fall off the wagon, if they’re just pleasing us to stop our complaining, or keep us around…..and then we’re stuck in the vicious cycle.

It’s always about ourselves, our happiness is our concern….and if we’re paying attention to self-love by setting boundaries, being clear about our actions and words, so they match our truth, then we’ll find our focus is not on changing the other person to suit us. It’s about loving ourselves and them, rather than manipulation and anger, whether we remain or go. And with that love, we make better choices.

Who’s a victim? Not me.

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People get uncomfortable, when addressing a few tactics they have to gain attention, or ways they blame other people for the state of their affairs or how they constantly wait for someone to show up or take action; they cringe, because I bring up the word victim. No one wants to see themselves as a victim.

No one.

There’s a certain power in being a victim.

A way to seemingly control others.

Our society constantly invokes victimization as the way to live.

Specifically, if we’re not paying attention, we end up on the drama triangle (the three points are the victim, rescuer and perpetrator). Most soap operas, love songs, fairy tales and movies have the triangle as the story arc and we get hooked into thinking this is some sort of reality; we buy into it.

And….just for fun….when we’re on this triangle, we usually switch points, sometimes we’re rescuer in the same situation or persecutor with the same person.

Unfortunately, living as a victim is something many of us do unconsciously. 

It shows up insidiously.

In deriving a strange pleasure from someone mistreating us, we get oddly excited (if we’re honest), because we’re getting our power back from them.

We induce guilt. Guilt is a master manipulator. Manipulation gives a false sense of control. Next time, pay attention to someone ‘fucking-up’ and how we now feel we can punish them for what they have done. Sound familiar?

It’s really a painful way to live, usually we’re completely oblivious to this being a pattern…we think it’s just ‘how we feel.’

It’s a cycle, in which, we think, ‘if only they would change, or I’m always waiting for them to do blah, blah, blah,’ except, we don’t really want them to, it would defeat the purpose of us being able to stay as a victim…‘poor us’ against this brute of a human being.

Being a victim is a strategy. We learned it when we were young. It’s a way of getting something, attention, or blaming someone (or something) else for how we feel. If we hold something outside of us accountable, we falsely believe, we’ll feel better than if we take responsibility.

As a kid, it helped in getting love, attention, value, or to not be abandoned…though, these were just strategies, GIVING the ‘appearance’ of having power.

Many of us still use the same strategies, we had as small children…we’ve had years of re-affirming beliefs about ourselves, which keep us locked into this victim dynamic.

In reality, we should not try to wield power over another.

Empowerment doesn’t come from others being accountable to us or being locked in a power struggle. We never do have power over anyone or anything permanently. Ever.

Perhaps, we get an apology, or someone tries to make up for being a jerk….we still never really feel fulfilled and the other person, more than likely is sitting on a land mine of resentment toward us. It’s an inauthentic way to live, which means we will always feel shitty and as though, something is missing, almost all the time.

Who does this triangle actually work for and how do we get off?

It works for those who see no other way. And by ‘it works’ what I mean, is they continue to survive their lives, never really living. Their voice is null and void, unless it’s whining, complaining, manipulating or looking at us as though we just beat up a puppy. This is not happiness…and it’s not the road there either.

The first action is to hold ourselves accountable. Screw holding anyone else (even if they do what we want today—tomorrow they can do something else-WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE) accountable. Look at where we blame someone else for a shitty situation. What is our part? Why do we allow it? What are we really trying to get? And what do we want outside of us to change?

The second action is to ACCEPT. Look at everything as it is, good, bad and ugly. Just say OKAY, because wishing it or someone would change–is like staring at a mountain and wanting it to be a moose.

The third action is keep trying to accept and notice where the resistance inside of us is located. What don’t we like about the situation? Where is that reflected within us? Find the pain. The outside is a reflection of our inner world…whatever we resist, persists…so we start loving ourselves as we are and we feel more peaceful.

The fourth is to see our truth. Where do we lie to ourselves? What makes us think this is the way to survive? Can we see another way by taking responsibility and making choices, in alignment with our heart? Love is always there—the more we love ourselves, the more we can actually listen to our truth.

Fifth action, comes from knowing number 4, 3, 2 and 1. Set boundaries. Decide what is acceptable to us and what we want our life to look like…then, WE MUST LIVE INTO IT. It’s not up to others to respect our boundaries first, it’s up to us. And boundaries are NOT walls or something to beat others up with, boundaries are a statement of our standards for living. Period.