The magic of a mentor! (along with Ricky Martin, dead squirrels, deep ends and other things…)

Written by my client Cindy! I love her words!! Check her out! XO

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Cannonball!!!! Splash!!!  Into the deep end!!  I wish I could say that’s how it is happening, my introduction into blogging.  A big splash!  Like before America knew who Ricky Martin was, and his breakout performance on the ’99 Grammy’s, everyone was sitting there in the audience watching him sing La Copa de la Vida shaking his hips, doing his salsa moves and the audience was mesmerized wondering who the hell is this dude?!   I’m NOT comparing myself to Ricky Martin in the least, I can’t speak a lick of Spanish and I don’t really know what La Copa de la Vida means (well I do now, I looked it up, its Cup of Life!)  I’m talking about his splash!  That shit was a SPLASH!  Now here I am ready to make “my splash” into the blogging world,  but it’s more like I’m cautiously standing two feet away from a three inch ledge peering into a five foot deep pool.  I’m…

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The Mystery Of Synchronicity

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How are you?

Me?

I’ve been in the midst of a growth spurt in my perspective, spirituality and old emotional limitations.

It means hunkering down, as I follow the flow of my energy and pay attention to where I’m to focus intuitively rather than where I would normally spend my time. Meaning, I tend to spend a great deal of my free time with myself–reading, meditating, writing, letting go of blocks (including pain), and working with other people who guide me to see what I cannot see in myself.

The more I stay connected, the more abundant I feel within, and the result is amazing change in all parts of my life. Stories which blow my heart and soul!

Recently I purchased a couple of courses for the purpose of up-leveling my energy in the area of abundance (one topic I struggled with for YEARS!).

The course isn’t something I would recommend, though I share it because of a couple funny, synchronistic surprises that surfaced yesterday.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

When it comes to synchronicity, I look at events and words spoken by others. I stopped searching for signposts in the form of billboards, license plates, discarded trash or anything else which I would try to forcefully derive meaning from.

Sometimes we are looking for excuses to stay where we are and can interpret all sorts of signs in and around us.

In the case of the funny little surprises yesterday, it started when one of the questions in the course wanted me to recognize where synchronicity showed up in my life. Asking if certain number combinations showed up, such as the ones mentioned by the authors as 111. For them personally, this number combo was validation, they were in a place of total alignment in their lives.

I used to look at the clock at exactly 10:13, my birth date, but its been a long time since I noticed… along with 11:11 or any other number combinations.

I sat there scratching my head and thinking about possibilities. There was the sleeping homeless guy I left a bottle of water for and wondered if he got it when he woke up. I asked my higher power for confirmation, which I received, in a way, which raised the hair on my neck, because it was pretty cool.

I notice when I don’t force things, everything I need shows up in a timely manner… but could I say anything else about synchronicity right now? Hmmm.

I happened to be driving on the freeway yesterday and noticed a Uhaul (I’m in the midst of house hunting), and an illustration on the side of it stated “Baffin Islands”…I thought to myself, that’s weird!

I’ve been reading The Science of Getting Rich over and over for the past six months. On those pages (which I read earlier in the day) was a reference to Baffin Bay, which I had never heard of prior to reading this book. I felt that moment of yes, I’m on the right path, headed in the right direction and will be moving where I want (um… not to Greenland, which is where Baffin Bay is located).

I could be stretching, but this was so in my consciousness that intuitively I knew it was a sign.

Later that night, as I was driving home from a friend’s home, I happened to look down at my dashboard and realized the humor of the Universe. My Acura (the first car I’ve paid off and held onto without trading it in) hit the mileage 111,111. Yup! It was the numbers in the coursework assignment, which the authors loved… times two! Not sure of the meaning for myself, except knowing where I am and what I’m doing are exactly where I am supposed to be now.

So…synchronicity. It’s the meaning you give it. Sometimes it is an unmistakable, in-your-face sign and other times it is only a subtle confirmation that you’re headed where you want to go. Now and in the future.

Do you ever look at the clock when it’s your birthday, or see other numbers appear over and over again? Do you assign meaning to it, or just shrug it off as a coincidence? Please share in the comments!

 

Ghosting: New or Old? WTH?

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I didn’t want to write a blog post on this topic. I read the articles on the subject after someone suggested I speak on “ghosting” for my radio show. Big sigh.

Blech.

I mean really?

Here we have the ghost:

Bad manners; individuals exhibiting no compassion (for themselves and others); guilt-inducing baggage; hiding from themselves and others. Uh….keeping a separation from head to heart and lying to themselves about it being acceptable behavior with some story they invent to assuage their feelings on being an asshole.

And on the receiving end of the ghosting phenom… the haunted! An individual wondering what the hell happened. What did they do wrong? Their boyfriend or girlfriend was in the midst of packing up boxes to move in with them and just split. Poof! Into thin air! No explanation, nor sign that anything was wrong.

Plus the ghosted has the not-so-fun job of stalking the other person (if they so choose) to get to the bottom of what spooked the ghost. This amidst their own self-doubt, insecurities and anxieties triggered by the promise of more… and then cut off by abandonment.

People have been doing this for-e-v-e-r! Before technology. In the old days, they’d just hop on their horse and ride off to places unknown, where no cell phone or advent of technology was even a thought in someone’s mind.

And so, I didn’t want to write about it, because it’s so tense and deep. It’s a place where someone wants to point the finger… play victim to the persecutor and create a really thick plot. Then I have to grab my shovel to try and dig up what actually happened, plus the meaning (if any) that’s attached to the scenario.

Ghosting is not just disappearing out of the life of a loved one or someone you’re dating… it’s any situation where an individual does a disappearing act without a peep!

How does a person not sense when someone is about to jump ship? Were they dismissive about the actions of their lover, attributing odd behavior to cold feet or their jittery ticks to being the norm? How was commitment discussed; were the two people honest about life-changing choices? Or was someone fibbing and the other person afraid to call em’ on it?

Fear of abandonment can make us do crazy things and put up with less than we deserve. Fear of engulfment can make us put our running shoes and jog to the next state, so we don’t get swallowed up by the emotions of another person… or our own emotional state.

What about humans who accept a new job, but turn into a ghost on their first day of work? Why do people bolt without a word from a variety of situations? Ever been on the way to some celebration for a person you cared about and at the last minute steered the wheel in another direction. I mean ghosting shows up everywhere!

And when the text messages, phone calls or possible confrontations bring the specter back to life, it just isn’t good for anyone. The ghosted wants answers, but the ghost never wanted to offer one in the first place or he/she would’ve spoken before taking flight.

I have personally done this in the form of not showing up to social events I was expected to attend. Or with guys I never had a conversation with, except online, and instead of saying I’m not interested (which I had done in the past), I disappeared. Coward? Yes. In the case of guys I shared a few texts with where it was glaringly obvious to me it wasn’t good to continue, I silently slid out the texting door.

And in cases where you have someone with unpredictable or extreme behavior, becoming a ghost is probably the best idea. In my case, the times I said, “I wasn’t interested” to a few men, it actually unleashed some sort of unreasonable anger from them, which didn’t originate with our exchanges and made me grateful they didn’t know where I lived!

So, as I bring this topic, which I didn’t want to write to a close…..

I will leave you with some alternatives, comments and tips.

  1. Be honest–everyone. If you know on a gut level communication isn’t honest and you’re reading signs (like the ones Carrie ignored in the Sex and The City movie), but hoping if you pressure your mate/date or pretend everything is hunky dory, they will somehow wear ruby red slippers too… it’s time to be real. Speak your truth. And if you’re the one who can’t handle disappointing someone, so you make your date/mate into a big scary monster and soothe yourself with a story of why you silently slithered out of bed and left no note with a cold pillow in your wake.. .time to man or woman up! Be honest.
  2. Get real with yourself. What do you really want? Don’t try to please someone else by going along with what they want, WHEN YOU DO NOT WANT IT TOO. It’s okay to stand up for yourself.
  3. If you’re ghosted, do your best not to take it personally. Assume nothing and dig deep. Where could you have taken responsibility for any events leading up to them being MIA? Taking responsibility gives you a modicum of control over your emotions.
  4. Adding on to number three: Forget trying to find a reason. Your intellect will never be satisfied, so closure is something you will have to give to yourself. Question to ask yourself… what were you really getting here? Where were you attached, and where did you create your own expectations? Again, the more responsibility, the more control.
  5. Engulfment/abandonment: These two love to swim side by side, performing water ballet, until one partner has sucked in too much chlorine and darted out of the pool to somewhere safe. One person dreads abandonment and the other dreads engulfment. They are two sides of the same coin.

I am sure there’s more, but this topic could make for a book. Perhaps even a series of books on manners, communication or toxic emotional states… or recipes?

Whether in a romantic relationship, with a friend or at work, have you ever been ghosted? Or been the GHOST? I’d love to hear experiences from both sides… and what feelings resulted.

 

The Benefits Of A Bad Relationship

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After working with people for the past seven years, I gotta say… many of us benefit from painful relationships.

There are two benefits of a painful relationship. One real, one perceived.

  1. Staying stuck gives us an illusion of safety
  2. There’s the potential for personal growth

Safety

Of course those who look at it as a form of safety–keeping them from taking risks or challenging their beliefs (there’s no one else out there for me)–may do it their entire adult lives and stunt their growth out of fear of the unknown.

So is it a benefit? It is when speaking in terms of adaptability. Humans are incredibly adaptable to their environment (we may grumble–but we adapt). And please remember, most of us don’t do anything unless there is a benefit, no matter how small.

Martin came to me trying to leave his marriage. He was living separately, but a part of him could not let go of his caustic wife. Her desire for control would cause her to belittle others, including Martin. She was on edge when threatened by others who didn’t want to give her their power.

Most of the time their interactions would leave him wanting to defend himself or react by attacking her, resulting in him walking away wondering what he was doing. He was looking for validation. His hope was that she would wake up and recognize her flaws, therefore turning her into a kinder, gentler woman who would appreciate him.

It never happened.

In fact, when he would receive a tidbit of kindness, he would get hooked back into the drama. He could be on vacation and think of coming home to the picture perfect family he never had.

Illusion was his benefit.

Martin didn’t have to move on or take a risk. As painful as being stuck was, it meant he didn’t have to open himself to other possibilities in life.  It also meant that whatever validation he didn’t receive as a child for ‘being who he was,’  still had the possibility of fulfillment from his estranged wife. She could validate him.

Yup! For Martin, he had married his mother.

She wasn’t an exact duplicate BUT the negative feelings of self-doubt and being unworthy were elicited from their interactions. This kept Martin hanging by a thread, waiting for validation. Mix this together with him not having to go through the tedious job of rebuilding his life as a single man and the fantasy that one day she would wake up; he was good and stuck.

He’s not the only one who is attached and can’t let go. Many people settle for so little in search of a miracle, or simply adapting to the bits of validation they receive.

The fantasy of what ‘could be’ during the few good moments in these dysfunctional relationships can keep us captive in a hope way beyond the ‘use by’ date. Some of us try to move on, but again the allure of validation, fixing ourselves and not having to see if there is anyone else out there for us can hold our vision firmly in the past.

Our worth is at the bottom of this barrel of fish. Subconsciously we act out patterns that show our lack of worth over and over again. Instead of going through the pain, we fantasize… and stay attached to what is toxic or just doesn’t work.

Growth

When it comes to the true benefit, the one of growth, we can learn what keeps us tethered to the untenable through growing awareness; allowing our pain and starting to make choices for ourselves. Yup, hard to do… making a decision in favor of taking care of yourself vs. pleasing the other person by abandoning yourself.

We stop sacrificing our needs and desires to gain what we irrationally believe: this other person holds the key to our ability to receive love. Pause on that for a second.

As individuals dig deeper, they find the key in themselves. The pain is released and the feelings of possibility emerge where none existed before.

Admitting our struggle against the shame we feel, or believing we’re screwed up begins with recognizing it’s beyond our conscious mind. We don’t do it on purpose, or even know we ARE doing it. To stop kicking ourselves, stop feeling like we’re somehow less worthy and become courageous to ‘go there’ moves us toward the freedom we seek.

When have you chosen “safety” over personal growth? Did it serve you? Share in the comments. 

P.s. Please join me on my radio show September 15, 2015 where I’ll be talking more on this subject with Cristina.

 

Don’t You Want My Life?

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Have you ever wanted someone else’s existence? Thought their grass was greener than your grass?

Or, perhaps, you may have idolized someone and been disappointed to find, they really don’t have the life you thought? They turned out to be just plain, ole, human beings.

I recently had a conversation with a professional peer, who I didn’t idealize or think, “Gee I want her life,” only to be asked by her, if that is indeed what I desired. Now not to take it completely out of context, but if you know me….you would know that no matter how challenging my life is, how unbearable it has felt at times…I have never wished to be someone else  or ‘have their life.’

So many of us can look to others, as having found the secret to success, the way to living an amazing existence and wonder what is wrong with us? Why can’t we replicate it, or how come we always seem to fall short?

Yeah….so, here’s the thing. Every single person on the planet, puts his or her pants on pretty much the same way, unless you’re this guy:

We each can appear to have our sh*t together, when in actuality our thoughts really don’t match–ALL THE TIME. An individual can look at me and think I am 1000 steps ahead of them in some capacity and not see where I may be 1000 steps behind them too.

When this peer made the statement to me, I then told her, “I don’t know you or the entire picture of your life; I don’t get why you think I would want it?” Comparison is the thief of joy and when we constantly look at someone as having it easier, better or knowing something we don’t….we’re screwed.

It ceases to be an inside job; it’s all about keeping up. It’s not just a comparison, or a competition, it also takes away our self-acceptance for all of who we are and ability to live in the moment.

Self-acceptance and authenticity are nothing to do with external circumstances, so even if we achieve the same goals as someone else, unless we’re doing it from a place of being motivated by our own joy, passion and desires….we’re trying to live someone else’s life.

We can look to someone and see a goal they have achieved and want to accomplish it too. Although, how they did it, may not actually work for us. Their ‘how’ is personal to them. We have to strike out onto our own path, while making sure that where we’re headed has real meaning for us.

There is no one-size fits all on living the ‘right’ life.

In a society that says “look at me, look at me…aren’t I special? Aren’t I the life you want to live?” it is not the whole story. It’s a snapshot, perhaps one dressed up in a beautiful evening gown or an expensive car or something, which when you get right down to it, has little bearing on inner fulfillment–if that is all there is in the life being displayed.

We can have it all, if that is what we truly desire, but for it to feel successful, it must resonate with our truth.

As a mentor coach, I don’t have an ideal life. Things aren’t perfect and there are days I wake up, working my way through a funkiness or obstacle. I don’t live with a smile on my face 24/7 (especially if you see me driving) and things don’t always work out how I would like them to…

BUT, unlike the person who asked me the ‘title’ question, what is important to me and for anyone who chooses to work with me, is that I don’t want anyone to emulate my life. I want to offer tools to people to live their authenticity, to be their truth……to accept themselves and whatever the heck it is that will make them happy, without living by the expectations of someone or something else.

If we look to others to find ourselves, let’s make it useful, instead of something we can bash ourselves with by not measuring up. If we look to them for inspiration, but not perfection…or even better, we look to them to reflect back characteristics of ourselves ‘who we are’….‘what we do’  and perhaps see our truth more clearly…then we can feel connected to our own power.

 

 

 

The Manifesting List

Ever wonder how the same things continue to show up? Feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle or keep attracting similar situations?

Check out this list on how you do it and how to gain more control.

  • Whatever we give our attention to, grows.

So, if you want more of it, keep doing it and if you want less, focus elsewhere. Have gratitude for what ‘is’ and focus less on what you wish it would be….watch how more of what you want, actually shows up.

  • Lies are based on a belief that you may lose something or be embarrassed by the truth.

It’s a sign of lack of trust in the self to handle disappointment. Want to really attract amazing people and opportunities, start getting real with yourself and see what you are denying.

  • If you believe that all relationships turn bad or end, you will fulfill that goal. Your subconscious is the map, it tells the conscious mind where to go.

Do you have a negative belief about you or relationships, guess what? The subconscious will fulfill it for you. Instead, get a spotlight to shine on the WHY behind the belief and get uncomfortable, as you take action in a positive direction. (funny, how the words uncomfortable and positive go together) This will create new beliefs.

  • If you believe more good exists inside of you than a voice kicking your butt, the perception you have will make sure the outside will match. (even when negative circumstances arise–you will see it as temporary, not life defining)
  • Engaging in playing games, means sooner or later you’ll end up the loser. Be real.

Authenticity gives your life real meaning. When you play a part, the return on it, never is permanent. Dig deep to find your truth–then act on it, without attachment to the outcome. Most of the time, your results are 9000% better than if you had faked it til you won it.

  • If you don’t believe you have value, you’ll look for situations affirming this belief or create them to show you are indeed, without worth.

Awareness of these core beliefs and questioning their validity will help you to not get triggered into going down the same ol’ road.

  • In loving someone, try to tell your conscious mind it doesn’t mean attachment or expectations are included in the deal.

No one else can fix you or make life better, unless you’re already doing something about it–so even if the love of your life came through the door, nothing would feel one iota better, until you fulfill your own needs first.

  • No matter how much you love someone you cannot stop them from doing self destructive or stupid shit, only they can stop themselves if they want to….or not.

Let go of trying, let go of taking them and their actions personally. You can do nothing to change them, unless they are already doing it themselves.

  • If you really sit with the discomfort inside of you, that you may want someone else to relieve, you’ll find you are your own best medicine.

Stay with the anxiety, the neediness, the emptiness or whatever it is causing you pain. It won’t kill you and you’ll find the temporary relief you get from someone else doesn’t compare to the permanent relief you can offer yourself.

  • Assumptions are dream killers–you can talk yourself out of anything you want (especially if it requires change) just by assuming some story, which may or may not be true.  

If you don’t know, it’s okay, because even if you THOUGHT you knew–most of the time it doesn’t assure the outcome. Spending countless hours analyzing, strategizing and stressing will only lead to more inertia. Action trumps thought, show your ‘mind’ that all assumptions are b.s. and get out there and live your dreams.

This is just a starter EQ (emotional quotient) list. Growing your emotional intelligence will grow your ability to attract amazing people and situations to your personal and professional life.

Power of Being Alone

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Before anyone gets the wrong idea, this isn’t about growing older as an individual with 12 cats, and watching TV for a sole source of entertainment for the rest of anyone’s life!

This is about STOPPING THE SACRIFICE and where our true power lies within us.

I talk to so many people who are stuck in shitty relationships everyday. Did I say, SHITTY? Yep, I did.

The sacrifices people make to stay for crumbs contains no “good enough,” excuse. The problem isn’t in the reasons we give to ourselves or others, it’s the belief we have of what is possible for us and our fears around it.

The following is a short list of what I hear from not just one person, but several; it isn’t an anomaly:

1. Long term relationships (marriage) where sex stopped years ago and it’s a roommate or friendly enough situation, that one can pretend to co-exist in by having enough other distractions available to them to make it bearable. (and if there is a lifestyle to be maintained with or without kids….people will put up with far worse and say its okay)

2. Relationships that are not based on a commitment to each other, although one person is definitely committed (and the other is supposedly torturing them)…and he or she stays committed even after the other person is out of their life.

3. Long term relationships, in which, it is a sexually open one and one person is cool with it while the other has grown a ton of resentment.

4. Being trapped in a relationship, because someone threatens suicide every time their partner thinks of leaving.

5. Living in a fantasy of the current mate suddenly turning into the partner of their dreams.

6. One partner being a parent to the other, so both are stuck in a disempowered and codependent situation. There is a great deal of anger and resentment, which comes as passive aggressive behavior or just passive….or just aggressive.

7. Staying in a relationship that is loveless…..while being in love with someone else.

8. Having some characteristics that are tolerable in a relationship, but fighting with oneself everyday to make those characteristics enough to stay.

9. My personal favorite and one I painfully experienced…the yo-yo relationship, the push/pull, the get close for a moment and be separated for days syndrome. The I love you so much, but can only be with you in limited amounts of time, or my head might explode from the intimacy…or happiness, or “insert word here.”

Again, this is just a short summary of all the ways we keep ourselves stuck in relationships, which are anything BUT based on LOVEThese relationships are about attachment, validation and fears from being alone, or being seen by others as a horrible person, parent or individual. 

Some of these people may fantasize about being alone and at the same time, feel drawn to staying in a loveless situation.

If we want to figure out why they are putting up with such shitty circumstances, all we have to do is look at some of the following:

1. Models–how did our parents (or step-parent) treat each other when we were growing up?

2. How were we treated? Were we not given much emotional connection–were we shown love?

3. Did we swear to do the opposite of how our parents acted in relationships?

4. Did we promise we wouldn’t be like mom or dad and rebelled to the other extreme?

As children we soaked up this knowledge and in most cases, it was not a conscious effort…it was through our subconscious that we learned the rules…just like eating with a fork and a knife. This also means all the things we didn’t want, are enmeshed in our subconscious too, based on the modeling of the adults in our environment.

Many people hope something magical will come along, like another person (or death of the mate) and rescue them. They set a time in the future when they think it will be okay to walk away, except they never do.

Here’s the deal. The power is in being alone when it comes to a choice between having a relationship that is sucking our life energy away, or to choose ourselves. In choosing us, we have the freedom to discover why we were attached, why the other person or relationship held the key to our validation as a person and learn where our most basic fear of abandonment lives to solve the issues.

We can prolong these UNCHANGING situations, but the key is to start getting real. The thoughts we have around being alone and relationships will continue to be the same unless we do something different.

Being alone is not a forever statement. It is a beginning. The power lies in not just the learning of our painful beliefs, but in making decisions that are supportive of who we are, and away from the trajectory of keeping a shitty relationship together.

Sleeping in two separate bedrooms, or together with walls between us is a far worse fate than spreading out on a king size bed alone. There at least is an opportunity for someone to join us someday. And in the meantime, we get to CREATE a super-juicy life experience.

Seriously, whatever we’ve held back from doing while engaged in these relationships is no longer an obstacle, once we find the courage to own our life.