40ish Reasons Why You’re Stuck and How To Get Unstuck!

The items listed here alone or together, do create havoc in our ability to move forward.

Learn¬†all the deeper¬†reasons why you¬†MIGHT be¬†stuck….

And of course….. how to get out!

1. You were raised with the¬†rules, structures and models of others…you have no clue as to how to live by your own rules. How do you stop? Break those rules.

2. You’re afraid. Deal with it, as Suzanne Jeffers¬†said, “Feel the fear and do it anyways.”

3. You enjoy growing old, bitter and miserable, because you keep saying NO, when deep inside, you mean YES or vice versa. Start saying what YOU actually feel.

4. You text when you should call. Call! Better yet, have a face to face conversation.

5. The absolute wrong things are important to you. You’re more worried about what someone else will say or do and you hold back–BECAUSE IT’S MORE IMPORTANT than what you want, or feel. It’s time to re-evaluate this one precious life you currently embody.

6. You’re a failure. Congrats! You’re part of the human race, get over it and keep on truckin’. Failure is subjective–learn–grow–keep moving.

7. You’re a loser. So what? And yesterday’s winner will be tomorrow’s loser and so on, read a history book, this isn’t permanent, so don’t treat it like it is!

8. You need validation from an asshole. Someone important in your early life didn’t give you the love you needed, and you’re still looking for a sign that you’re okay…from someone who doesn’t want to give it to you. Learn to validate yourself.

9. You’re afraid to be alone. Well, isn’t it fairly lonely being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t get you, like you or want to share a bed with you? Start now. Today. Begin liking your own company, get clear on why you think there’s no one else and deal with your worth…grow your confidence.

10. You think you have to be the hare. People carry the delusion that change needs to be abrupt, like a sword cutting everything down at once, so they’re afraid to make a move. Be the turtle (he’s still moving).

11.Treating life like a destination. It’s not. Ever. ¬†Til we’re not alive anymore. Everything changes around us, why do we as humans think we’re any different? We’re not. Remind yourself it’s a journey and just because this sounded good yesterday, and it feels like crap today….doesn’t mean you should stay where you don’t want to be.

12. You’ve stunted your own growth. Funny thing with the fear of outgrowing those around us, it can keep us stunted for our entire lives. What is the quality of those relationships? Are you fulfilled? Happy? Do you feel trapped? It’s time to allow yourself to be honest, with yourself and others, about what you want and where you’d like to head (you can be the turtle).

13. ¬†You can’t let go. It was so good at one time–at least the 1st 24 hours and you want to recapture it. Buy a dog or a cat, release one little finger at a time by going through the pain of attachment,¬†it’s not about them…it’s about you…and you have the cure; it’s time to feel your real feelings.

14. You’re a martyr. Self-sacrifice is a debt that will never be fully repaid. No one else but you cares and those who you want to be impressed with your pinning yourself to a cross aren’t, they actually despise you for it…or even worse have indifference toward you. STOP. Re-evaluate the goal. Are you getting what you want by being self-less? Become selfish (ie. not self-absorbed–which martyrs are–except for those who actually did it for the greater good)

15. You’re a victim. You need to blame everything outside of you for being stuck. Take responsibility for yourself and your choices.

16. You make bad choices on purpose. See #15. You don’t believe you deserve better, so you make choices, which keep you stuck. It’s an excuse. ¬†Become aware of every decision you make, does it induce pain or pleasure?

17. You love to complain. It’s a cycle. You grew up with it…it’s everywhere, you’re just doing what everyone else does. This is non-action, no sympathy here. Decide to change your position in the situation you complain about, understand WHY you’ve preferred being stuck. It’s a very old answer.

18. Being a doormat works for you. This is a benefit, otherwise no one would do it. Get to know the benefit and find why that benefit works for you (are you afraid of loss?)…..then replace it with actual self-fulfillment, by pleasing yourself.

19. You watch reality TV. Think I am kidding? What do we avoid by watching someone else’s drama?¬†Demeaning others makes us feel good? Turn off the TV (at least the yelling, fighting and over the top drama) and¬†join your life–by being PRESENT.

20. You don’t trust yourself. When you don’t trust you–you don’t trust others. Not trusting means #16. Not trusting means you believe you can’t handle disappointment. Develop emotional resilience; it’ll make you trust the only person you should: YOURSELF.

21. Perfect picture syndrome. The belief that has never, ever, ever been the REAL picture of your relationship, job or life is somehow going to be destroyed if you get unstuck from the hellfire you live in daily. Waiting for that picture to come thru is waiting for the 12th of never. Start seeing reality as it is, not as you want it to be and accept it….as it is.

22. Your patterns rule you. Self-awareness is nil. You’ve no idea why your stuck in the same dance. Wake up. Really wake up! Pay attention to what triggers you to keep repeating history, daily.

23. You are dishonest. You lie to yourself and to the people who you could set free with the truth, or dramatically change things with, because you’re afraid of what will happen, so nothing changes. Get honest–dig deep, get to know what is your truth and then state it…..out loud.

24. You’re a control freak. You’d rather keep misery as company, because you know it and so you show up the same way all the time, so the balance of power doesn’t tip. Until it does. LET GO. You’re stuck in a merry-go-round that goes nowhere. You’re control is an illusion and it scares the shit out of you to think of showing up how YOU really want to, because you can’t control what would happen.

25. Scarcity. There’s not enough. Bullshit. Get clear on why you think there’s so little and shift to a more abundant thinking, slowly (like the turtle), placing focus there rather than on a void.

26. You’ve been hurt, disappointed, screwed over and so on. People can be immobilized for years, out of fear of supposed bad things happening again. Life is an experience, why would you block an experience and keep living in the SAME daily soap opera in your mind of what possibly could happen?

27. Risk is a four letter word. So is FUCK, both are action words, when you add an ‘ing’….you have verbs. If your inner critic, judge and jury are keeping you inert, because of whatever happened in the past, you’re a prisoner of your own thoughts. Time to have a Q&A with all those people in your head, once you get some clear answers…its four letter word time!!!

28. You have no meaningful standards for your life. What do you want your life to FEEL¬†like? What are you doing to achieve it? How do others treat you? If you have “I don’t know” as your answer to those questions….it’s time for you to make some boundaries. The only way to have a boundary is to live your boundaries–be them–don’t compromise, because when you’re treated poorly, you’re not living in a meaningful way.

29. Shame. Shame. Shame. It’s probably the most toxic of all feelings to our growth, love, happiness and pleasure in our lives. We shut up, shut down, run away and hide when we feel shame. It’s someone (real or not) telling us we’re worthless, stupid, bad, etc…and we believe it on some level. Stand up to shame, show it who you are (even the part of you that was made to feel shame) and accept that you’re imperfect, but still damn cuddly and lovable…and your opinion matters most…to yourself!

30. You absolutely refuse to accept yourself. You’re trying to live up to some expectation (real or imagined) that keeps you stuck right where you are. Be disappointing, throw everything up in the air and rearrange it where you want when it lands. ¬†Accept all the cute little dark things in your closet, we all got em’ and relax a bit on who you think you should be…and be who you are.

31. Your dreams don’t come true. Yes they do, just believe in them and do things that align with those dreams. (instead of the opposite)

32. There’s no love. When you’re stuck, where’s the love? There might be a life jacket or something to hold onto, but REAL LOVE has to be watered regularly and it grows. Stuck doesn’t equal growth. Start deserving love today–do loving things for yourself NOW.

33. You’re waiting to be saved (rescued). Admit it, if it’s true and then save yourself.

34. You’re numb, distracted or convinced that you can cobble the pieces of¬†your life together. Get un-numb, realize it is un-fun….and ask yourself the tougher questions…if today was your last day on earth is this how you’d want to live?

35. Emotional intimacy= vulnerability; no thank you! Being in a stalemate keeps others at a distance, you find excuses to not get closer or make any movement, because you could be destroyed in the process. Protection is also an illusion, so try stripping naked and being real, you’ll feel better, no matter what happens.

36.¬†Committing to real happiness, love or a healthy relationship feels overwhelming. There you stay–stuck–moving forth–moving backwards, rinse, repeat. Like a yoyo, you never make progress, because every time you do–you run like your foot is on fire, no matter how great the opportunity! Relax. Really relax. Breathe….allow yourself to be in the moment, understand the urge to bolt is about yesterday, not today.

37. Refusing help. First you gotta wanna help yourself to get unstuck and second, you want to enlist someone who can help you see what you might be missing. Admit you want a life, then get a flashlight (preferably one being held where you can see what isn’t clear) and start to re-arrange/organize that closet.

38. You’re stuck in the past. See number 13. If you think your glory days are behind you–then you’re immobilized to create glorious days in the present. Get grounded here and start loving what is….then you will create more of it….and voila! Your glory days are now!

If you need some help getting unstuck, please feel free to give me a ring, 818.279.1735 or an email Tracy AT tracy crossley.com. I’d be happy to help you create the present and future you’ve always wanted.

Pleasure While Breaking Up

Most of us fear break ups. We’ll do almost anything we can to avoid them, *oh the pain* until we grasp¬†our¬†emotional resilience to handle it.

Many of us stay in half-baked relationships.

Selling ourselves on¬†‘its good enough,’ numbing out,¬†not getting our needs met or saying ‘yes’ to things, which make us feel horrible about ourselves, what do we actually think is going to change here?

We’ll¬†wake up one day and magically everything will work to our liking?

We need to change, IF we ever want to experience the best in life. This involves risk and knowing something else suits us better. Stepping away from filling our time with worry, hope, and desperation, instead we move into pleasure.

By changing, we don’t¬†transform into¬†someone else!¬†We become who we truly are, dropping the excuses, dismissing the chatter of others’ voices and begin LOVING ourselves.

Exiting a relationship with pleasure translates into bringing more pleasure into our lives.

Let’s take my client Anna¬†who was having a relationship with a guy she thought was fabulous!

When they met, they bonded among other things, over their similar loneliness. I told her it wasn’t the best place to start,¬†as I listened, it was quite clear; he was a victim. Everything was always someone else’s responsibility, even his own actions.

He was not at cause for anything happening in his life.

For awhile, Anna didn’t notice this so much (even when I pointed it out), because he was busy rescuing her. As long as being a rescuer/victim¬†worked for them both, there wasn’t a problem. As many who know the drama triangle, it requires three positions…victim, rescuer and persecutor,¬†¬†living our relationships on that triangle, we switch positions, unconsciously.

About a year into it, Anna noticed him slipping away.

He made excuses, saying it wasn’t her, it was the overwhelm of everything in his life.

There were excuses,¬†as though she caused¬†his overwhelm. Everything he volunteered to rescue, became a burden… he got¬†angry, seeing¬†her as needy and incapable of making appropriate decisions in her own life……though, her perceived helplessness only existed in his mind.

At one point, he was very demeaning to her, even though she was extremely upset, she was done.

He never took responsibility for his choice¬†in his treatment of her. He saw her causing him to be derogatory toward her. She, however, saw the trajectory and knew if it happened once, it’ll happen again.

In his eyes, she became the persecutor and he was the victim, waiting for her to rescue him by taking full responsibility for how she caused him to be angry with her.

Anna could observe the situation without feeling victimized. She felt strong and¬†more in love with herself. Even though she was sad at the prospect of ending the relationship, she knew she didn’t deserve it. She knew she deserved pleasure….and lots of it!

As she started to take one tiny step at a time, she took back her power. Meaning, she said ‘yes’ when she meant it and ‘no’ when she meant it too. She engaged in a manner, which respected them both.¬†She¬†allowed herself to flip flop a bit, so she could emotionally let go without overwhelming anxiety, and make sure she learned her WHY. Her desire was clarity about her part. Her bigger desire was to end¬†this in a loving, kind and respectful manner without anger.

Pleasure became of the utmost importance. She gave¬†to herself more and more. Fun wasn’t to escape the situation, it was something she could fully jump into and exploit the pleasure of pleasing herself.

No more¬†suffering, or punishing herself or depression. It was an opportunity to empower herself and OWN¬†her choices. The more she fed pleasure to herself, the more she glowed, even in sad moments….she realized she was going to move onto bigger and better things.

The act¬†of fun, pleasure and empowerment made her realize all that was previously impossible, was becoming possible. As she let go of holding onto to what didn’t serve her¬†emotionally, her world expanded.

Choice is always available when it comes to a perspective of our lives.

We can convince ourselves we must stay here and suffer, that someday pleasure can shine in our lives…..but, it never comes, until we decide no matter what’s going on to GIVE TO OURSELVES what we desire.

The exact¬†measure of our¬†resistance to pleasure is the exact amount¬†of the gain. When we resist ending a relationship or feel it must go down in flames to exit, it‚Äôs quite obvious¬†that in equal part pleasure¬†awaits us¬†when we finally say ‚Äėyes‚Äô to ourselves.

 

The Pleasure Principle.

self-pleasure-is-the-answer-fortune-cookie

Heavily invested in working through our flaws, our issues and anything we deem an obstacle to happiness, love and success?

Often we forget to explore pleasure as we commit to this deep work.

We can’t help, but remind ourselves of what is wrong with our lives.

Perhaps, we believe we made tremendous¬†errors to get here, so we beat ourselves up for being stuck. It makes us crazy! We can’t stand being where we don’t want to be, and so we¬†overdo certain activities (sleeping, eating, drinking, etc) to blot out our displeasure.

A hint of pleasure might be present, as we embark on trying to forget the misery, or the helpless feeling of being stuck, but that pleasure dissipates, as we overdo covering it up.

Expectations, can be out of whack,¬†especially when it’s¬†to do with our lack of worth. It’s¬†depressing to prove ourselves through overwhelming demands, before we can be kind to ourselves.

Accomplishing¬†those expectations never feels like we thought it would. We’re still in a state of lack. If we’re depleted, nothing outside of us can fuel the tank, we have to do it. And the best way is through allowing pleasure.¬†

We have to get clear first–move past our own resistance, on what actually is pleasurable and not an escape from reality.

It’s bullshit to say¬†we cannot experience pleasure til the hard work is complete.

We have to believe we deserve it!

If we’re on a diet, we may spoil ourselves with a new piece of clothing or a favorite food once we hit a goal, but we make ourselves wait for that¬†joy. Why wouldn’t we treat ourselves kindly along the way, giving into pleasure, letting pleasure lead us rather than pain?

Some of us pretend to experience pleasure, we show the world, we’re all about it, but inside…..that’s a different story! We’re wrapped tight, watching our every move,¬†because the minute we screw up, we fear the criticism of others, and most of all¬†the inner critic within us.

Anything, in which we hold pleasure back, as though we don’t deserve it yet, is a disservice to our heart, mind and soul.

The pleasure principle is to be open to the unexpected, the abundant, because it will surely come when we give pleasure to ourselves every day!

Whatever we focus on¬†we attract. When we take pleasure in life, big or small, we’re magnetizing more of it to our lives. Focus on fear, and what we don’t want, and SURPRISE… it shows up sooner or later.

What we learn through pleasure matters and stays with us.

What if we were to accept everything in our life as good?¬†In spite of the things, which drive us crazy or that keep us awake at night? We have a choice in how we want to feel, even when we don’t have a choice of circumstances.

If we accept every little irritating circumstance, just as it is–which means we don’t have to love it, but stop fighting it and say ‘okay’ this is how it is right now, what does that feel like?¬†As though a weight has lifted?

When we focus on what is truly good and working in our lives, by not taking it for granted, and giving it our attention, we allow it to expand.

Just by this simple exercise, we create space for pleasure. Is it that easy? Not really, because we have to retrain our brains to get off the punishment and pain plan.

1. Write down a list of pleasurable things you can give to yourself.

2. Do one of those items (if not more) daily.

3. Accept your life as good. Even the things you want to change.

4. Find people to support the pleasure principle.

5. When you start punishing yourself, break up the crappy mantra in your mind, by DOING something, which gives you pleasure. (this is hard to do when you’re used to beating yourself up–it feels counter-intuitive–but do it anyway)

6. Start to expect more good¬†everywhere you go, no matter where it is you go…..create pleasure.

7. Say YES to life, even if you feel you don’t deserve it.

The more you say YES to the good, the pleasurable juiciness in life, the more you will have of it! It also helps your perspective when unfortunate circumstances arise, nothing is as bad as it used to be when you were in a constant state of hard work with little reward.