Chasing, Tripping And Falling Down

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Have you ever found yourself running after something? Literally or metaphorically? As in, wanting something so bad, whether it wants you or not?

It’s a single-minded attachment to having that person, place or thing, right?

Often we may hide it. No one really knows what we deeply desire and so we covertly chase after it; wishing, wanting, praying, hoping and putting immense energy to shoving it down, so we seem like we really don’t want it to the rest of the world.

But we do! We want it sooooo bad!

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why do we at times openly chase something, and at other times ‘act’ like its no big deal, even though we want it just as much?

Because we feel we cannot have it.

We don’t deserve it, aren’t good enough, haven’t proven ourselves, want to appear above it–not needing (or needy), and so these deeply held shiteous beliefs run our lives delivering exactly what that barren desert ending is… the one confirming our worst fears.

Rita felt like everything was always a struggle. Her marriage had been, her kids, work, maintaining the house and the financial responsibility. It always fell on her shoulders. She divorced, moved, and was sorta, kinda, speaking up at work, BUT she still felt stuck.

She also found herself hooked on someone from her past, totally impossible to let go of and it made her crazy!

She wanted a relationship, but nothing in her life reflected one coming to her without major struggle. She felt it was too hard, not enough good men and believed she possessed some deep flaw that kept okay ones at a distance! If you met her, you wouldn’t know any of this, because she appeared to have it together!

Her energy was focused on the past guy, while she longed for a real partnership, she would chase after the old one; send him text messages, call him, ask him out and so on. He would respond once in awhile, but her hard work just didn’t yield the results.

Why did she work so hard for nothing? Chasing, tripping and falling down….and then blaming herself for her fatal flaw.

Andrea is in a relationship with someone who does not share her lifestyle, or too much of her life. He is very attentive to his own life, squeezing her in when he has time. She drops everything when he calls and anytime she brings up the state of their relationship he gets angry that she doesn’t understand where he’s at.

To her, he is better than her ex, they have fun when they are together, but she comes up empty when viewing it as a true partnership. She doesn’t feel heard, or seen and has told herself to work harder, be more available and just be patient.

She has worked at it as though it’s her last hope, embodying everything she feels is expected of her and is afraid to let go.

Both women are committed to struggle, but couldn’t see the pattern clearly. They both didn’t feel they deserved better, even though both repeated the sentiment that they deserved so much more quite often!

What about Sheila? She works hard and is successful in her career; she’s never had a real committed relationship as an adult. To others she appears to not need or want one, but to her, no matter what it seems a relationship is elusive, leaving her feeling lonely, isolated and trying to fix other people. Her deepest desire is to get married and yet she chased after her greatest success: her career.

She only knows how to chase after what she wants and has found herself tripping into a bad ending each time she does it in her personal life.

Some of us are in total denial that we want something different than what our life looks life. Fear of wanting more, keeps us from relaxing by allowing ourselves to believe we will receive what we want. Fear makes us feel greedy or that our desires are unattainable.

Fear leads us to chase.

We chase for a variety of reasons:

  • To purposely fall down, proving to ourselves we really can’t have what we want.
  • Go after the wrong people, places and things: It looks acceptable from the judgment of others, but we don’t really want any of it and don’t trust we can have what we REALLY want. Interestingly enough, when chasing what we don’t want, somehow we find ways (unconsciously) to fail, or if outside validation is extremely important we’ll succeed only to suffer a lack of fulfillment.
  • To stay busy.
  • Thinking it will solve the problem of the void within us.

On top of it–it’s a narrow vision, and it can be exhausting to be wrapped up in the intellectual pursuit of the chase. Keeping it narrow, instead of appearing to want more, gives the impression of remaining stationary, so it doesn’t threaten our relationships.

Nature desires more life everyday–it grows. If humanity didn’t want more, we’d all still be living in a cave.

How do you get more into your life without chasing it?

  1. Admit you want more, perhaps different or scary, because it may mean loss.
  2. Become visible. Most of the time if we’re chasing, we don’t have a connection to our deepest desire (not the emptiness or belief something outside of us can solve the problem), because if we did, it means we’d have to stop hiding out.
  3. Time to be available. Many of us are shut down to wanting more or what seems impossible, so we’re unavailable to actually having it. Notice where you have a wall, shield or act in opposition to the deeper desire.
  4. Relax. It’s not time to eat bonbons, but to release going after things a full time job.
  5. Oh yeah, get rid of plan B, and start living Plan A, when you do take inspired action toward what you actually want–it’s never a chase. It is taking small steps forward, in alignment with your real goal. Totally different energy, totally different outcome.
  6. Give yourself validation by building trust that you can take appropriate action for your aspirations. You can do it!

Want some help in learning what you really want and how to have it without force? Schedule a discovery session to see if we would be a good fit!

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The Pleasure Principle.

self-pleasure-is-the-answer-fortune-cookie

Heavily invested in working through our flaws, our issues and anything we deem an obstacle to happiness, love and success?

Often we forget to explore pleasure as we commit to this deep work.

We can’t help, but remind ourselves of what is wrong with our lives.

Perhaps, we believe we made tremendous errors to get here, so we beat ourselves up for being stuck. It makes us crazy! We can’t stand being where we don’t want to be, and so we overdo certain activities (sleeping, eating, drinking, etc) to blot out our displeasure.

A hint of pleasure might be present, as we embark on trying to forget the misery, or the helpless feeling of being stuck, but that pleasure dissipates, as we overdo covering it up.

Expectations, can be out of whack, especially when it’s to do with our lack of worth. It’s depressing to prove ourselves through overwhelming demands, before we can be kind to ourselves.

Accomplishing those expectations never feels like we thought it would. We’re still in a state of lack. If we’re depleted, nothing outside of us can fuel the tank, we have to do it. And the best way is through allowing pleasure. 

We have to get clear first–move past our own resistance, on what actually is pleasurable and not an escape from reality.

It’s bullshit to say we cannot experience pleasure til the hard work is complete.

We have to believe we deserve it!

If we’re on a diet, we may spoil ourselves with a new piece of clothing or a favorite food once we hit a goal, but we make ourselves wait for that joy. Why wouldn’t we treat ourselves kindly along the way, giving into pleasure, letting pleasure lead us rather than pain?

Some of us pretend to experience pleasure, we show the world, we’re all about it, but inside…..that’s a different story! We’re wrapped tight, watching our every move, because the minute we screw up, we fear the criticism of others, and most of all the inner critic within us.

Anything, in which we hold pleasure back, as though we don’t deserve it yet, is a disservice to our heart, mind and soul.

The pleasure principle is to be open to the unexpected, the abundant, because it will surely come when we give pleasure to ourselves every day!

Whatever we focus on we attract. When we take pleasure in life, big or small, we’re magnetizing more of it to our lives. Focus on fear, and what we don’t want, and SURPRISE… it shows up sooner or later.

What we learn through pleasure matters and stays with us.

What if we were to accept everything in our life as good? In spite of the things, which drive us crazy or that keep us awake at night? We have a choice in how we want to feel, even when we don’t have a choice of circumstances.

If we accept every little irritating circumstance, just as it is–which means we don’t have to love it, but stop fighting it and say ‘okay’ this is how it is right now, what does that feel like? As though a weight has lifted?

When we focus on what is truly good and working in our lives, by not taking it for granted, and giving it our attention, we allow it to expand.

Just by this simple exercise, we create space for pleasure. Is it that easy? Not really, because we have to retrain our brains to get off the punishment and pain plan.

1. Write down a list of pleasurable things you can give to yourself.

2. Do one of those items (if not more) daily.

3. Accept your life as good. Even the things you want to change.

4. Find people to support the pleasure principle.

5. When you start punishing yourself, break up the crappy mantra in your mind, by DOING something, which gives you pleasure. (this is hard to do when you’re used to beating yourself up–it feels counter-intuitive–but do it anyway)

6. Start to expect more good everywhere you go, no matter where it is you go…..create pleasure.

7. Say YES to life, even if you feel you don’t deserve it.

The more you say YES to the good, the pleasurable juiciness in life, the more you will have of it! It also helps your perspective when unfortunate circumstances arise, nothing is as bad as it used to be when you were in a constant state of hard work with little reward.

What I know about Manifesting A House or Anything…

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I’ve manifested things, big and small. And so have you!

Usually without committing to it, in fact I really didn’t pay attention for a long time. I realized certain things came easily and others…well, they were a bit more difficult.

When I started on my journey of self-realization and inner peace, I didn’t know it meant loss, gains and a complete shift of awareness and consciousness.

Through the losses, I realized I had become complacent. I started believing scarcity was my birthright. Somehow I decided to live with “less than” in all areas of my life.

As I became clearer on this “complacency,” and started to make choices from a place of loving myself, many things and people changed in my life.

About the house.

Along the way, I learned how to manifest with purpose, but being human, one can still doubt one’s abilities, right?

We can also make it a challenge rather than simple and easily.

I connected to universal power, it was a simple and difficult process in bringing this house to me.

I had to learn to be in alignment with what I asked for…if I said simple and easy ways, then I need to allow for “simple and easy.”

What did I use? Affirmations, intentions, shifting my ability to believe constantly, participating and surrendering.

I’ve never been big on affirmations as the way to go until recently, because I know NOW there’s a bigger purpose in using them.

Often, we say them a few times, then we start to feel funky. They just don’t fit…and the discovery is we get to see exactly where we feel unworthy or stuck. It unveils us to ourselves.

The same thing happens with intentions, we begin to question our own value in deserving what we ask for and …. if we get it, can we handle it?

Please know, it’s okay to experience all of this and still get what we ask for, BUT….when we ask, we must ask a quality question or an intention that is well-worded–so it’s clear.

In the process of asking, we must lift our wealth consciousness. We must move toward unlimited possibilities rather than looking back.

Wealth goes beyond money–wealth in every part of our life. Observe where we feel we don’t deserve wealth and why? GET CLEAR, we usually WANT what is beyond the comfort of our own value…so it matters “where we are” in receiving it.

It cannot come from the lack, it must come from already feeling like life is good and abundant, because in reality it is…we’re the only ones which cut ourselves off from source.

So…the house. I asked the Universe to “please bring the perfect place for me simply and easily.” I had an idea in my mind of what size, shape and look the place had…but I was open to the Universe bringing it…well… sort of. 

I saw the first house…and loved it!

I had to have it, so perfect for my business and life. I among 10 other people, put in applications. When I had looked at the place the owner was there trying to find her cat…she left….and who showed up? The cat. I found the cat. I was walking to leave and the owner drove by, I told her I put her cat in the house. Was it a sign? Nope…I didn’t get the house.

Bummed and doubting.

The second house. I heard from an agent who called 10 minutes after I let go of control of needing to find the place NOW. I thought…hmmm, this must be it! I saw it and it was awesome too. Interestingly enough had the same layout as the first……way too many applicants, no word for 2 weeks …and I, again didn’t get the house.

More bummed, til I saw house #3.

This had to be it!!!! I called…I said I wanted the house sight unseen (And so far, simple and easy were missing from my vocabulary) I emailed, texted, I hit it off with the current tenants! I wanted this house, perfection!!! It was mine in my mind’s eye…until it wasn’t. They took it off the market.

Bummed for a moment and then I decided to get real.

I had asked myself all along if this was simple and easy (NO), so I decided to really ALLOW myself to participate (by looking) and let the rest take care of itself.

I found two houses that day, I was totally relaxed in finding the right fit.

The first house was in a city I wanted, but not a desirable street (and the same layout as the other three). And the second one, was in an area I had moved out of…did I want to move back (same layout as the other 4)?

I liked many things about house number 5, but after my experience with the other 3 (I didn’t do anything with house #4)…I contacted the owner….sent her everything on me, short of my blood type and figured whatever happens, happens.

Right away, I told my Mom, I knew I would get it! The owner called me a few minutes later…and was so excited to have me as a tenant. Plus, what I do for a living is something she is interested in learning more about…

Here’s the thing, when I actually STUCK TO what I STATED as my intention…it worked. Intention clear, my actions supported it and voila … the house is for me!

We can manifest anything this way…it’s easy, really. BE SPECIFIC AND MATCH YOUR ENERGY AND ACTIONS TO IT AND WATCH WHAT HAPPENS.

Nobody Knows but YOU

Only you “know,” what you want right now.

No one else, even your well-meaning, closest friend, mate, parent or advice-giving stranger has an inkling.

It amazes me how we can disappoint someone else by NOT living up to the potential they have set up for us.

What you want for “you” can be based on several things (beyond basic needs) such as:

1. Your expectations of what you “think or believe” is best for you. (And is this based on a perfect picture that you believe, once you have what you want, all will be good?)

2. Another person’s expectations for you (but is that what you truly want?)

3. The expectations of what “right or perfect” are in our society and therefore your want is not really your want?

4. The desire for pleasure.

5. The desire for pain. 

6. The desire to fail or succeed.

7. And wanting to forge your own path in this world.

The list may be long of what YOU may want for YOU.

The list is your list alone, no one else need have an opinion or statement, which should “force” you to change your mind. Changes to whatever it is that you want, should come from within and based on believing whatever you are doing is for your own fulfillment.

Sometimes people observe us and believe they know what is best for us.

Most of the time they don’t, they are making an assumption based on what they know of you in the outer world, not the inner world.

I am not saying there aren’t useful suggestions from others, but when someone looks at you with sad eyes and says, things like “if you only dressed this way,” “if you only quit your job and went into this line of work,” “if you only went to school and got your degree in something that you have no interest in,” “if you would only get your shit together and see that you are on the wrong path,” “if you would only get married, divorced, get a sex change, etc…” ……and so on.

In other words, “please change to make me happy, except I won’t really be happy, because I will find something else that I believe you will need to do that will make me happy, so just follow my instructions for living and you’ll be just fine.”

The funny thing is the person doling out all this advice may be in need of their own good word.

We all have the freedom to choose; we don’t have to give it away in the hope of being happy by some expectation that has nothing to do with who we truly are inside.

The key is to know thyself. Trust thyself.

And know whatever YOU want for you, is okay. No approval from others necessary or needed, besides, really… that is subject to change.

Approve of you…give yourself the opportunity to explore what you want. Make wrong turns, go backwards, forwards, sideways or leap into the unknown!!

The experiences we encounter in our everyday life help us to formulate what we want, as we make decisions for or against our desires. Our experiences may lead to us changing what we want and also why what we want, may continue to elude us.

On a deeper level, what we WANT, which leads us to deep fulfillment and happiness has nothing to do with the outside world.

It has even less to do with the opinions of others.

When we are in search, we don’t find.

When we look within, a whole world awaits us and what we TRULY want has its seeds from this place deep in our soul.

Creativity is the greatest expression fo who we are…if you continue to open the door to your creativity, it will expand all areas of your life.

When we feed that fire, all of a sudden, “the want” becomes an “is.”

Feed yourself kindness, compassion, happiness, laughter, peace and all sorts of appetizing, caring thoughts, ideas, words, gestures, experiences and watch what you want, shift, change and grow.

Not having what we want is possibly the best fertile soil to grow from if you apply awareness to yourself.

And try not to focus on the disappointment.

If you start to understand “why” you want something and the meaning you have attached to it…you will feel yourself expanding into the wholeness that you already are…almost a feeling of filling up the tank. Your tank.

And realizing that it is not SO important to have what you want and even less important to consider what others want FOR you.

In fact, the more you open the door beyond the thinly defined, focused want to an anything is possible attitude, amazing things start to happen.

Things you never dreamed of will come into your life without invitation or searching; they will come because you are participating in your life. You are living from a deeply held knowing of who you are and what matches you will show up.

Just imagine the possibilities….

 

Desire. Denial. Acceptance. Live Large

There are locations we physically live in and ones we emotionally inhabit.

“Denying myself” is an island I’ve inhabited. I packed up the boxes and gave them away. I am free to move from denial to following desire. I’m sailing away from being an island. It is not an easy voyage; in fact it is anything, but smooth waters.

I am committed to being deeply honest with what I want, desire and know to be true in the deepest caverns of my heart and soul.

I don’t look for a new island to plant my roots. As a human being; we are physiologically wired to be connected to one another. So, I am looking for a piece of land with the ability to connect and LIVE LARGE.

“Desire or want” does not mean we should deny ourselves, but we do out of fear. Fear of change, or maybe we’ll be overwhelmed or we’ll fail or we believe what we want is impossible, makes us needy or vulnerable.

Desire may also be old and reach back to childhood, to what we never received. And we still want…the BIG empty “filled”.  And because it feels so huge, we deny ourselves. We find substitutes for what we really want and live a life of never doing the filling ourselves, but finding distractions instead…unless we are aware.

Acceptance of our desires is a great place to begin. What are your deepest yearnings? What will happen if you allow them to come up to the surface?

Can you love your wants as much as you feel bad for having them and work hard on denying them? Can you accept them?

Love is all there is…

And its not that we deny fear or get rid of fear. We go through our fear.

In sailing toward fulfillment of my desires, I hit many waves along the way. I am a people pleaser by conditioning or as I used to think it was in my nature (and if you ask an astrologer—they will tell you my sun sign is notorious for being HUGE people pleasers). The biggest waves for me are the tidal wave of disappointing others followed by standing up for myself when there is so much to lose.

No one likes to sacrifice or lose people out of their life. Yet, when you find yourself compromising and turning into a pretzel against your own desires, there comes a day when you can no longer bend. When we deny our desires, we suffer. We end up with a BIGGER sense of empty. If we withhold ourselves from living large in any capacity, we feed the BIG empty inside of us.

When we mistakenly believe we receive fulfillment by giving up our own dreams for the happiness of someone else or holding back our dreams, because someone asks us to, is actually a form of denial.

When I try to tow the rope and suck down my feelings or hold my self back in any regard, it is living on Denying Myself Island, once again.

I become alienated from my authentic desires, my deepest longings for love, belonging and success.

Many of us feel compelled to be of service, be needed, be special.  We believe fulfillment comes this way. It does not. We can be of service or be special if it is a natural occurrence from living from our deepest desires. Living LARGE is accepting and going through the fear, being honest with yourself and standing for yourself toward your dreams and goals.

When fear or feelings come up from neediness “the want” we deny; try this technique toward acceptance, peace and getting denial out of the way. I use this with my clients and myself all the time.

Let’s say you are feeling the need to consume a drink, take drugs, exercise to an extreme, eat a pan of brownies, run from a situation emotionally or some other feeling of urgency. Close your eyes and sense the worst part of what you are experiencing, the urgent or anxious feeling, sense what most wants attention.

What is the feeling you sense? What do you want to do or escape?

Answer in the now.

Then bring presence to the feeling as to how this is felt in your body.

Remain open to any emotion, image or word that may appear. When the emotion is too painful or consuming to be with, silently say to yourself: “this too shall pass”…and with gentle attention focus on the sensations in your body.

Name your experience. What story are the sensations telling you…allow it, sit with it, don’t run or decide now is a good time to sweep the floor.

Feel your cravings without pushing them away or acting on it. Instead of fighting or hating the experience of losing yourself to a tornado of mental activity-say yes to the feelings of urgency, tension and fear.

Pay attention to the physical sensations.

If you sit with it 5 minutes or so, you will notice moments of calm take over.

The main thing you will realize through this sort of exercise is that you are not making your inner world happen.  Desires, thoughts and feelings are an endless changing parade floating through us ALL the time. We don’t control what goes on inside of us despite our best efforts.

Sometimes the feeling to distract or medicate won’t pass, so the temptation is to judge yourself…

Instead say something, which gives realization and recognition to your inner world; the parade of thoughts and feelings as something you did NOT cause. And if you do medicate or distract forgive yourself—accept it!

Many streams of conditioning give rise to the needy, wanting self and the particular forms our craving takes.   We become afraid of losing control of the neediness, being overwhelmed by the “wanting” self.  And therefore, we completely seal off from our desires and live in denial.

This technique helps us move toward acceptance within and realize we can fill our neediness and open to living our life LARGE …that our desires are okay. We just gotta take life by the horns and go for it!

Acknowledge that you went through conditioning in your life; don’t call it blaming or being victimized. It is where you derived a sense of self; it was from these perceptions. You derived your own limitations based on fear not who you truly are in your heart and soul. The denial of YOU is based on conditioning not reality.

This technique mentioned above helps us to bring in a clear and comprehensive awareness to our situation. We begin to accept our wanting self with compassion. It frees us to move forth, break old patterns.

When we start accepting our wants and fears by feeling them directly in the body, allowing pain to pass through rather than thinking something is wrong with us, we start to feel alive—desires that come from our heart are no longer clouded by our conditioning.

And when we do think something is wrong with us through this process…then allow the grief to be felt.

Enjoy the process of living into your desires, feel alive, let it pulsate through you. Denial does not pulsate it is an island in which we hold ourselves prisoners. When you open up and accept all there is inside of you and decide to live LARGE anyway…that is when the real fun begins… even when you are confronted with standing up for yourself or disappointing others. The payoff to being who you are and doing what you want from your heart is what “real living” is all about. Join me.