The Secret We All Share…

Human beings. We are a funny bunch.

Many of us tend to focus on what makes us different. Not all of us, but when we get pissed or someone believes something contradictory to us or drives their car how we don’t like it….or makes decisions we would never make, we focus on the differences.

We share that as human beings. Is it the secret? No.

We’ve lost a lot of artists in 2016. The latest being Prince. It didn’t really hit me til later, as I remembered my early adult years coming out of high school, as his songs were the theme to my relationships. Prince, 1999 and later Purple Rain. It was an emotional connection. Leading me deeper to include the part of myself who was freer, wilder, daring and edgy, (having Scorpio rising like him and the love of purple was relatable too) especially with his earlier songs. In those years, I’d drive along listening to Head and Sister.

Though to all appearances I probably appeared pretty straight-laced–wrapped tightly.

My point in sharing here isn’t my grief, the connection to his music or the re-living of those times in the past few days, it is that many of us hide out. We hide from ourselves first and the rest of the world secondly. We all share insecurities. We share weirdness, provocations and the fear of accepting those parts of ourselves others may deem unsavory.

Creativity, namely music and even the expression of any art form elicits what is hidden.

Is it the secret? No, I am getting there.

To continue, I thank artists who live on the edge of that space, because deep inside we all do have an edge, for most a hidden edge. When you hear your favorite song, or one you’ve attached meaning to about an emotional situation how do you actually feel? Vulnerable? Or at others times, tough, sensual, sexual, happy and like dancing your ass off? It creates an emotional connection with yourself. Just like a sad song relating to a break up, or how you feel so alone inside or alienated, it can dig it up and bring it to the surface.

As a fan of all sorts of music on loneliness and alienation, from Grunge to the Church, Echo and The Bunnymen….to the 60’s, 70’s and other genres of music–it used to pull up those murky parts of myself that I wanted to hide….and let me feel myself.

The perfect picture many of us carry on the outside rarely relates to what is going on inside. The CEOs and semi-celebs I’ve worked with are never what they appear to be on the outside, even the most creative ones. Truly! Most are used to being someone else too. Real happiness is not found in hiding the other parts…the ones we tuck away in fear of being found out, doing it wrong or having to explain.

Always for me, I never fit in and in many instances I still don’t (but where I do is magical–any more scorpio rising peeps who love the color purple?)….and it’s okay now. Not fitting in isn’t the fault of others, I believe it is a failure to embrace our own quirks. When trying to be somebody else and fit in, it’s impossible to be fulfilled. We will always feel ill at ease. You and I have our own tribes and the only way to attract those people is to be YOU. If you’re always stuck in pretense, all you will attract are pretentious relationships.

Think about it. Like attracts like.

Is it the secret? Almost.

A step toward the secret we all share is as long as I’m connected to me, I feel free. Freedom is what we all desire, in some capacity. Some of us are waiting for something again, outside of us, to set us free.

As you see there are many things we have in common with one another. Including, the deeper desire to share, to be open and embrace who we really are, to express that freedom, love, happiness and inner peace. We have more in common than less. Really we do.

Let’s take those words and bundle them up into a meaningful place inside of us. The true living of such words is a paradox, because of what may matter more to us.

The secret: We all want to belong.

We all want to be connected.

We all want to be our weird ass selves (yes everyone is weird) and be accepted. We all want to come as we are and no matter what (perhaps only in the privacy of our car, shower, bedroom or the company of strangers) be voicing it from the bottom of our lungs.

And back to the artists, does it mean they live in this way, being who they truly are? They’re like the rest of us, some would say yes, others would say no. (They may have a persona to live into that they created)

It is again what they create in their art, it’s an avenue for us to experience ourselves. And it may be the only time we do experience a part of true selves. Listening to those songs, which take us somewhere else deep inside.

Many of us need outside permission to live in full expression of what lies deep inside of us, and many of us deny what is in those depths, because we want to belong so badly. We want to appear to have it all, (we need the validation, attention and admiration) but I am here to tell you….under the skin of every person who appears to have it all perfectly built is a contradiction.

It’s what makes us lonely, feel disconnected and as though the emptiness inside cannot be permanently filled up. For some it is to keep so busy there’s no connection, just go-go-go and for others it is to be immobilized, also afraid to step into who they really are…it’s where we differ.

We distance, even when we look like we’re belonging. We create drama and strife, because it’s easier than the possible rejection for what truly lives in each of us. It is really through our own creativity that we are re-born.

It is when we say yes to ourselves that it becomes ok. And it means accepting the things we do against ourselves (and others), the ways we do hide out, stand with a huge wall, hurry and get pissed off. It means we embrace ourselves in the messes we create and take responsibility.

Oh yeah, to belong may be a physiological wiring, but we have 1000s of ways we do not take responsibility for the reasons we need to show up in a certain way with particular people. We look emotionally from afar, as though they may have the key to our finally feeling we’ve arrived; if only we can belong and again, we feel the unrest. Looks good on the outside, but sucks on the inside.

I was at a dinner party and someone asked what I do, we had a short conversation where I stated a few things I do, including learning to take responsibility without blaming others. He said, “Don’t we all do that?” And I said those of us who want to remain powerless to change our lives and be happy, yes; we stay victims.

In wanting to belong to a tribe, we may not even know why. We may have picked up those are the cool kids over there and I want to belong. Or we may rebel and say screw the cool kids, I am going to hang with the outsiders. Our group may be tied together in our unhappiness at not living a fully expressed, creative life. We cannot imagine what would become of us if we really sought out those we do belong with, that unknown can keep us dangling our entire lives.

What can you do? What are you willing to risk? How creative do you want to get? How free, happy and at peace do you want to be? You have to look deeper to understand your reasons for where you belong and why, you have to get to your beliefs around self-worth.

Every time I write or share it is a risk for me. Yeah, I am intensely private (believe it or not) and a lot of what I did in my younger years was not about love. It was about winning, appearances and self-inflicted pain. I didn’t know any better, most of us don’t.

Who was I? At the time I had no idea, just a bundle of anxiety, unease, analyzation and intellectual hubris….of course covered with a sense of humor, over-doing, over-giving and trying to be the best.

Some think walls are a great idea, and people have to earn something from us that we’re not even willing to give to ourselves. We also think we need to show up a certain way, so we don’t lose the people around us….because we’re afraid who we really are is nothing.

Ugh, right? The judge that lives in and outside of us telling us our worth, setting the stage for who we are and for many it’s based off someone else’s rules for life. We may want to belong ‘somewhere’ so badly….we create castles in the sky. Nothing real just the appearance of it. If we’re cast out, do we vow to instead be more of who we are or more of who we think other people want?

Finding your creativity may not make you into a world famous artist, but it can open you up to the truth of your spirit. It can help you navigate the lonely waters as you sail toward your tribe. It will free you, release you and allow you to touch on inner peace, love and happiness.

Artists when performing and being in that creative state, touch that part of themselves, even if it is only for the moments they perform. I had a client who had a profession she had not chosen, other than it would satisfy her parents. She was really an artist; truly talented. as an exercise she had to visit an art store and purchase a medium which spoke to her, and create something, take a picture and send it to me.

She did…and it was amazing. Even more amazing was how she felt during the time she was creating it, it opened her up to herself and her joy. If she was to continue to do this on a daily basis, she would touch on the hidden parts of herself, letting them surface, perhaps even accepting them. It could set be the start in setting herself free!

Being who you are and belonging is truly an inner journey first. The one into self-acceptance of all the parts you’ve hidden, buried deeply and pretended are non-existent. Being who you are is not a human-made perfection, it is a spiritual perfection.

Being Real Or Being Numb? Why It Matters.

Do you ever act or speak in ways to be accepted or looked to as someone who has your shit together?

I mean, having the appearance of being ‘real’? Down to Earth?

For years, people said that of me.

I said that of me too.

It wasn’t true.

Being numb can seem like real or calm to the world, it gives the impression that all is well, until, well, it isn’t.

If a crisis happens, or even better, if someone criticizes you….how do you feel?

Do you feel shame? Are you cringing, as though you’ve finally been found out? Do you do a ‘mental’ scramble to get back in auto-pilot, appear in control?

It’s really a sign of being numb. Numb, numb, numb…until a sharpshooter pierces your veil. Unraveling the ‘real’ disconnection to yourself.

Insulated, in control of all circumstances (it gives the impression of peace/calm), builds a small world. Even if you travel, move residence, buy or sell a company, a car, get in a relationship….or go to yoga, in other words the appearance looks like action….but you still feel bad.

Appearances aren’t the true story.

Being numb means repetition: buy more, sell more, travel more, work more and so on.

Taking you back and forth between calm and anxiety. Calm when all is under control, and anxious when it appears you can’t trust what is happening.

Yup……..

I know this so well. SO WELL.

I journaled this morning, thinking about my recently hiring two different coaches, for two different areas of my life. And how in the past, when I hired someone, I looked to outsmart them! As though, the issue was to prove I was okay, successful, etc, so I could believe help was useless. To appear evolved was more important than my happiness and well-being.

I went to therapy only to be told I was too evolved.

Really?

No way.

I knew I could intelligently explain what was going on with me, speak psychology, but really…I wouldn’t have been sitting in their offices, had I not been suffering from a shit-ton of anxiety.

Being real was NOT happening, there was NO vulnerability.

I intellectually leveled the playing field, so the therapist had no more knowledge or power than me. Crazy right? If I was feeling inferior and wanted to show I was superior, how the fuck could I get help?

It took me a long time (this scenario was over a decade ago) to get it emotionally. The defensive way I stood ground, proving no one could help me. Oh brother!

I looked calm, in charge and connected. I WAS NUMB. Until something out of my control happened. In the form of a relationship or monetary loss, or some security. Anxiety would pull me a long day after day, while I intellectually tried to solve the problem.

Intellectually trying to resolve feelings or emotions makes you numb…there’s a wall inside of you keeping REAL out. It locks out fulfillment, while protecting your stale belief system.

Your world gets smaller. Being real requires emotional risk. Not actions that just look like risk, like quitting your job and moving to a third world country to help people. It requires emotionally being connected to your WHY, to challenging yourself to break open, to breathe, relax, allow, trust, YOURSELF and life.

By smaller, being unaware that your life is HUGE repetition of last year. It’s familiar, you don’t go deep and act from there. Numbness is preferred. REAL possibility doesn’t exist, because you repeat the past.

How is it real? Being numb matters, because YOU never experience life at the level of inner fulfillment.

Being real means non-attachment to outcomes, being emotionally present and stepping into UNLIMITED possibilities! A numb control freak cannot do it.

For me it’s having help, allowing it. So, if I start disregarding advice… I ask: will this help me if I disprove it? Or will I be more fulfilled, successful, happy and so on, allowing a helping hand….by being real and vulnerable?

It matters to live this way. It sparkles! Being real is a flow, it’s a free ride, because the cost of being numb and rigid to old ways is gone. Every time I say YES to help, to emotional risk and listening to my heart–my external circumstances bring more fulfillment–connection.

Want to break out of the numbness? Want an opportunity to really grab onto a shooting star and FEEL amazing? Schedule a discovery session, we can dive into together!

 

The Hardest Thing You Can Ever Do…

Become Who I am. Become Who You Truly Are. Become Who We Truly Are.

Those statements are harder than we think.

In some situations, we’re truly who we are, honest, authentic, NOT ‘trying’ to please, get along or do things, which we don’t want to do…or put up with behaviors that really don’t interest us.

At other times, we’re totally compromised.

We can feel ourselves slipping away into the energy of someone or something else–where we don’t want to disappoint or suffer loss; feeling ourselves putting up walls, getting defensive and perhaps, becoming stubborn. Even feeling angry, or discontented and wondering why?

For myself….I “do things I don’t want to do at times, because of guilt, or I don’t want to disappoint someone.” Of course, the head trip I can beat myself up with leads me to old questions, which used to haunt me, “Will I ever belong?”

Can I ever do the right thing?

Do I always have to compromise myself and feel “eh” about doing things I don’t want to do, to either please others or fit into my role (that I cast years ago)?

Am I a curmudgeon; is it a comfort zone thing?

Now, these questions may seem funny coming from me (if you know me), because I tend to do what I want (according to others), say what I feel or think most of the time and yet, at times, I felt like I swam in a big circle and had been unconsciously trying to do the right thing (by someone else’s standards) and haphazardly doing what’s right for me.

Makes for one messy human being!!! LOL!

To be who we truly are, we have to practice awareness, first and foremost.

Even when we compromise ourselves, to be authentic is to say, “Ok, I’m doing this action, not because I want to, but because I feel guilty, or I will get validation that I’m a good egg or I promised or fill in the blank.“ Instead of burying it inside of us and lying to ourselves that we really want to do something, which we aren’t interested in at all.

True authenticity requires a slowing down and a connection to our inner truth. Most of us DO NOT want to do this, it’s easier or so it seems, to remain disconnected.

WHY?

We recognize there’d be change in what we do, which signifies some kind of loss. We may hate our position in life, but cling out of fear of what could happen! We know the familiar and believe on some level it’s the best we can do!

Because scarcity can cause us to cling (what if we fail as ourselves, or end up homeless or alone, etc) to the false parts of our lives, we may never become fully authentic.

No one else is to blame.

If we hold others’ responsible for our choices (even if they’re counting on us–they cannot force us), we will never be true to ourselves.

Being authentic is:

• Taking full responsibility for what we say and do.
• Remaining connected to our desires and needs (and acting on them).
• Speaking our truth.
• Not pretending.
• Not purposely seeking validation from others.
• Doing the right thing for ourselves.
• Risking what is false or constricting to discover our deeper truth.
• Committing to our happiness.
• Facing scarcity down, by letting go, getting uncomfortable and believing WE deserve an abundance of opportunities.
• Allowing those we’ve known, to be their authentic selves.
• Opening to a new tribe of people.
• Living our true dreams.
• Say yes when we mean yes, no when we mean no. (and when we don’t–don’t deny it)
• Treat ourselves how we want to be treated–always!
• AND ACCEPT YOURSELF, MYSELF, OURSELVES just as we are!!!!

For me, I keep heading toward more and more risks that scare the crap out of me, but I know the way I’ve gotten here, isn’t how I want to continue.

My own evolution is reflected personally and professionally.

I started a new radio show, not cuz it’s a great business move (who knows), but because it brings me joy! I’m going to start life-changing retreats for my clients, which include hiking, certain modalities of getting into deeper exploration leading to authentic change in my clients…why? Because it turns me on (rather than just thinking about it FOREVER and staying in some miserable place of settling–not going for it) and in doing what I LOVE in all parts of my life, it changes–there’s loss, but the gain is so much sweeter…I just have to put the seatbelt on and be present for the ride!!!

There are so many other things I am creating, including an online dating profile to put myself out there and possibly meet my partner in crime! 🙂

How about you?

Treat Em’ Like You Love Em’

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about….or so the saying goes….

Here’s the thing, we tend to treat others we don’t know in a way that is not our most natural state.

We’re usually trying to figure out where they stand or who they are before we let ourselves really show up, if at all. From strangers to blind dates…to acquaintances at a party, we may wear a different mask for each and decide to not give our true selves the spotlight.

If we’re going on a date with someone “new” (or first few dates) and we treat them as someone who would be important in our life, how good would that feel? We’d be fully present to our time together with that unknown potential and being okay with not knowing the outcome. Instead of focusing on safe subjects, the proper way to act to get another date or scare them off…what if we focus on connecting from our truest, most open self?

What if we allow our true selves to shine through with everyone we meet? Saying what we mean, doing what we want do, and feeling comfortable in our skin is a benefit to us all. It’s the only path to no regrets, no what ifs…and no second-guessing. Could we treat others importantly whether our time together is a minute or years? What do we have to lose?

Starting off being fully present and engaged…as though this is a life-long connection we’re creating without attachment to where it goes or how it turns out creates the most authentic of beginnings.

I thought about that when I went on a date, whether it turned out we were a match or not; I decided I wanted to feel good and special, so I made sure I stayed totally open. I wanted to experience being fully present and accepting things about this man that in the past, I may have ruled him out with a list that looked something like this (some are ridiculous, but it illustrates the point most of us won’t admit):

1. Mmmm…height-wise not up to the average I look for, so that I can wear my four inch heels.

2. He wore Uggs on our date in the rain.

3. He started talking about holistic health, as something too “woo woo” for him.

4. He never really asked me any questions about myself, I volunteered information, as I felt I wanted to share. (I accounted for the fact that he seemed nervous and eager to impress)

5. He asked strangers if one of them had pulled the other’s finger, because the thunder was so loud…it sounded like someone farted. 

Now here’s the thing…

I noticed these items, but I chose differently.

Instead of ruling him out or putting up walls….I stayed open. As most people who want or are in a long term relationship are aware, none of these on their own are a deal-breaker. If I’m being kind to myself and to my partner in the future, it won’t be based on what he wears or his height. I also know that one date will not tell me the truth of who he is and how he acts in relationships and it’s okay, to not know where this is going, if anywhere.

Unfortunately, many people who’ve been single have a list of ironclad first date deal-breakers, this rigidity is what will keep someone alone.

In treating him, as someone important to me (even for just the length of the date), I had a different connection with him. I looked at him as just a guy, someone who is giving me the gift of his time and sharing with me whatever he felt like bringing to the date.

In the past, I would’ve blocked or only allowed certain aspects of me to be present, waiting to see if I wanted another date or hoping I performed well, so there’d be another date.

Being real, loving ourselves and others right here, just in the moments we have to share can lead to all sorts of discoveries, fulfilling interaction and the possibility of long-lasting relationships.

 

 

You are Never Your Emotions

Sometimes it seems impossible to shake a feeling. Perhaps, it’s a feeling of dread or something missing, which makes us feel off-balance or slightly funky. We may look outside of us for the answer.

The answer is actually within us, which should be a relief. Either our emotional state is giving us a hint or a feeling needs to be released.

I used to get hooked into an emotion. Why was I feeling what I was feeling? Who or what was causing it? It was sort of like a ticking time bomb, one I kept thinking would create an explosion. If I gave power to it, it did….and usually, I would take someone else down with it too.

If I was having a relationship or had someone in my life and felt funk-a-delic, I would think it was something about them…instead of, MY feelings about them. I may have a feeling I was attaching to this person from something very old inside of me…an old belief. I was looking at the person as the trigger and wanting them to take the funk away.

It doesn’t work that way. People can temporarily take away our funkiness, but they can’t resolve it for us. If we choose to see emotions as a passing wave through us, we can allow them to not be labeled as a truth or something with meaning. We can understand that it’s just an experience with a beginning and an end.

If we become fearful of the experience of our own emotions, we will create more stories to be stuck in and more than likely create an undesired outcome somewhere in our lives. It really is about us and not other people.

If we look at our emotional state, as a sign of something not at peace within us and giving us a hint that perhaps our actions, thoughts and goals are not in alignment, we may discover within us a key. The key may open the door to vulnerability, to something we have been keeping behind an energetic wall, instead of being at one with our truth.

I know when I start to feel separate, angry or needy…I want answers. I know that there is something I am doing, which is not serving me and therefore, it is up to me and not someone else to open up in me. I must be willing to face what I am hiding and give myself the gift of changing direction, perception or understanding.

I know my emotions don’t own me, they don’t dictate my life….they sometimes serve as a reminder of where I used to be and where I am now. I no longer fight against them to not feel a certain way, I just let em’ flow….and whether they give me an answer or dissipate, it no longer means I am my emotions, my thoughts or anything, which can change in the blink of an eye.

If you want to feel freedom from an emotional lockdown, get out of hiding and let your feelings flow…if there is something in the flow, which is eye-catching or heart stopping open to it and see what it has to tell you. At that point, you have a choice and choice gives us freedom, so get out of the emotional prison and start living….freely, vulnerably and happily. (Yes, happiness comes from allowing the emotions to flow and not holding them in a box) 🙂

Men are Strong!

Their human hearts beat trying to live up to some ideal.

We tend to believe they are a different species, but we’re much the same. And I don’t speak for all men or the perspective of all women, just my own.

In my coaching practice, I’ve found men stick through what can be grueling self-exploration and change at times, watching vulnerability become the norm for our sessions.

Men can change.

When they desire true happiness; they commit and stick with it until results show in their lives. Once he changes, some women don’t know what to do with the man they’ve been haranguing for years. The man is ready to communicate and work together, yet the woman wants to change him back to their comfort zone. I have watched it split up couples.

Fulfillment and inner peace become more important, and women who share that goal are what will show up in the lives of single men.

My clients have taught me a lot, as have men in and around my life.

They want to be understood and loved.

Men like to fix. They’re solution-oriented. They’re strong.

They’re equipped with an innate desire to help and yet, many times are shamed for doing just what comes naturally.

So, some men stop fixing; instead they hide, back off or pretend nothing is wrong. Damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

Some men have a need to be a paragon of “perfection” to the world; “the guy.” The weight of that world strangles them, because there’s no real reward for the burden. Fulfillment doesn’t come through living up to expectations.

I’ve found they are more hurt than they show when they disappoint someone, so some stop trying or never do in an effort to avoid possible shame from not being enough.

Perfection is a painful place to live, filled with fear and the anxiety of possible criticism or failure in being a man.

This may be an extreme, but fears can keep a man in a pattern that destroys his future happiness.

Some say fear and pain are drivers, but they just fuel activity having nothing to do with true desires in their heart and soul. Pain is not in the heart and soul; love, creativity, passion, excitement and boldness live there.

Men may admit to pain, but may cover it quickly with saying how it creates an adventure. The reality is those are words meant to block vulnerability.

Many are taught they must assume responsibilities and always show strength.

Except the definition of strength is a little confusing.

Strength is not ego, hollow words that sound good, competing or harming anyone. Strength is getting to know oneself, standing for one’s own meaning, the vulnerability of admitting to chinks in the armor and being there for his partner.

Strong men know vulnerability is the key to their soul.

They listen, engage, connect with intimacy, are playful, cry, talk and have fears but show up anyway, because to them to deny or hide is to be a host to regret.

Men get beat up as much as women, if not more when it comes to being told they are bad, wrong or not worth it.

So why would one want to be vulnerable?

Well, from my perspective it stops heart attacks, loneliness and stress. Relationships teach us more than being alone; being a loner is an easy way out of vulnerability. 

When you are invulnerable you attract EXACTLY that to you, which creates a relationship of struggle.

If the man is invulnerable, a vulnerable woman will sooner or later realize the return on investment is at a cost to her, so she’ll seek a man who is strong enough to be vulnerable.

If you want a good woman, vulnerability is your true strength…show up wearing nothing but that and she will love you forever!

A gift to men is for you to listen.

Don’t judge.

Let him talk and talk until he starts to open up, he touches vulnerability and there is nothing to fear in what is said, no one is abandoned or ridiculed. Confidence is born from the expression of what is true, no matter if it inadvertently hurts or is hard to hear.

Confidence keeps a man from believing he must settle in life or make the best out of a life he doesn’t want. I watch as men just as often as women will tell themselves stories, because they are afraid too.

And fear is part of the human experience. When a man admits that he is scared to anyone, it shows he has more balls than a dude who can bench press an elephant. Half the battle is saying it and the other half is to take action, which takes him out of his comfort zone.

In Latin, true courage is strength of heart.

For men more than women, they have to detach from the outcome or fear of failure; vulnerability is a way of life, it’s the goal.

It’s the most amazing experience witnessing a man communicate his truth.

Men want to please.  They are enough. Always. Even when you don’t get what you want. And even when they fail. Tell the man in your life that he’s enough, as is…no different, no worse, no better.

No one is wrong. Don’t make em wrong. Don’t ask what’s wrong.

Share. Be honest.

Don’t strategize, manipulate or try to get what you want. Ask them to listen.

Speak from your heart. Ask open-ended questions, which require a real answer that you must promise not to take personally.

No one needs to purposely annihilate the other; there is no right or wrong, just two different people. Watch intimacy start to bloom, strength and confidence invigorate and bring happiness, unconditional love and a deep bond.

Men want this as much you do, they may just have a longer route to the same destination.

Authenticity of Communication, sprinkle Vulnerability receive Well-being!

If you start with the deeper awareness of your authenticity aka being real, followed with clear communication, which opens you up to your own vulnerability, you receive well-being.

When you communicate do you do so authentically? In essence, do you say what you REALLY mean? Not many people do with the understanding of WHY they are feeling a need to communicate, connect, and belong, or in opposition act out and have their way.

We say things to get a reaction. We feel a need but often we can’t recognize the seed of that need…. we just want gratification; fill the empty hole that is crying out. We may be living in a future moment anticipating what we are afraid will happen, with little thought that we are creating that exact outcome.

We communicate or withhold. Sometimes we don’t do it “on purpose” we are stuck in a subtle habit or pattern “making” us take action or run and hide emotionally.

Authenticity with communication allows for humanness. It says “okay” to how I feel: “disconnected” and “why” I feel disconnected, invisible, unworthy, not important, etc.

Authenticity with communication opens the door to bonding not distancing or separating; it says what “your” truth is even if you aren’t clear… being authentic can mean saying “I don’t know” or “I’m scared”. It means becoming vulnerable.

Vulnerability is not a weakness its true strength; it’s the opportunity to say what is authentically true for you…even if your truth changes in the next moment. Many of us have been taught to refrain from speaking our truth,does this ever lead to inner peace and happiness?

It gives you insight into yourself rather than building walls keeping you in unsatisfying patterns. Walls have nothing to do with who you truly are and what you truly want.

On my own journey to vulnerability, I have to unlearn a lot of things, which punish, self-protect, separate and make me destroy situations and cut people off.

Getting to the authentic place requires me to go against this huge force within me that keeps me unhappy by operating in this manner. It’s self-defeating to wear emotional armor. Being authentic can feel like swallowing your pride, but in actuality you are exhaling untruths about yourself; you release yourself from being the “bud” to blossom.

As you trip, wobble, fall down on the path to authenticity you receive the ultimate pay off: Well-being. Even if you are ill at ease in stating what is true for you, because it is not in agreement with others… you’ll start to notice that respecting, valuing and honoring yourself by authentic communication provides well being.

Someone recently said, “The way to keep things simple without drama is to shove it under a rug. Don’t analyze or talk about it, pretend it doesn’t exist.” 

Unfortunately, that doesn’t lead to peace and happiness. It leads to numbness or drama in ignoring the underlying truth. Nothing is clear; it is inauthentic when a pink elephant is in the room…energy goes to hiding it whether we realize it or not.

This person was correct in stating analyzing leads to drama; it leads to a disruption of inner peace.

The key is to speak about things clearly before there is a need to mentally agonize. “Feel it-speak it.” Create clear boundaries of treatment and what you need…. even if it changes.

Being authentic in communication allows truth. Everything else is B.S.

B.S. is a story we tell so we don’t have to look at the roots of our discontent.

Look at the roots of your suffering not to analyze, but to recognize…. So you can take different action in line with your truth. It frees you to see clearly the “why” of your perception based on your beliefs and the defeat you feel by your own inability to know what is true for you.

I love the work I do.

I see how recognition works in action.

My client last night had been humiliated, shamed and treated in a very unkind manner by a sitter when he was five. We didn’t spend time analyzing the situation…. Instead I asked, “What did that situation make you believe about yourself and the world?”  “What strategies did you create then to make sure you weren’t hurt in this way in the future?” He said, “Adults couldn’t be trusted; his strategy became to keep quiet and never say things to people which would humiliate him.” In that instant, he saw how he carried that strategy into adulthood. This truth remained buried for years. He never knew why he was on guard against anything, which could possibly humiliate him; therefore he trusted no one and it was reflected in all of his relationships.

My client has made many of these discoveries about his conditioning, which aren’t authentically him. In the process, he’s learning to authentically communicate what is going on for him no matter the cost. He has found instead of the cost being painful, speaking his truth has drastically improved his relationships, relaxed him, and allows him to live more in the present without worrying about the future. Sometimes he forgets to ask himself why he feels a certain way and he doesn’t communicate; he falls back in a pattern of blaming, punishing and distancing…yet he doesn’t stay there anymore.

Clarity of communication will stop most drama in its tracks.

Vulnerability provides the opening for AUTHENTIC COMMUNICATION. When you are afraid inside and don’t know why, “express it!” Why? Because when people are afraid and don’t communicate we do weird crap. We do everything in complete opposition of what we want, which is to be loved and accepted for who we are and are not.

When you say I’m scared, someone will want to be closer to you, hear what you are afraid of even if it is unclear or has to do with him or her, because we ALL have fear….

Communicating fear authentically creates bonding and allows another to speak their truth too.

Honest dialogue is true strength, rather than putting up walls that hurt yourself and another. If your truth is something hard to say…. often by saying it, it loses its power within you. You released the fear by communicating it authentically and now you are free to move about your life with ease and lightness.

And by being “real” with someone else, you allow them to be recipients of authentic communication; we all get to relax into well-being. We are seen and known for who we truly are… and accepted. 

Shining Armor or Shining Heart?

What is strength? I have had a few clients walk into my office proclaiming their strength.

Most of the time the word “strength” is misconstrued.

When I hear a client tell me it is strength they possess; I find it is often related to what they present to the world; how they may tell someone off, their apparent incarnation as the burro that everyone places their backpacks on, in other words, they carry the weight of the entire world on their back.

Sometimes my client means they can handle anything that comes their way, “Bring it on, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger!”

Thing is….all this strength is weighing them down and that kind of stress may lead to a not so “strong” road ahead.

Being strong as in, “wearing armor”, means you have built walls. When you dismantle the wall, what is behind door number three?

That is why we like to place value in our walls or armor, that way no one including us, has to deal with what is behind that curtain. It can be scary to even take a peek, when you create this type of separation within yourself.

Many of my clients visit me, because they retain this remarkable strength. They are also suffering from high levels of anxiety, a need to push help away offered by others, perfectionism, depression, stress, fear and are trying to keep it all in balance. They can’t figure out why they feel so weak, when they are being so strong.

A few missing elements from this “type” of strength are words such as: connection, peace, belonging, vulnerability, courage and feeling good enough or worthy.

This type of strength requires one to prove oneself against a measuring stick with no end. It is a system of approval that is vague and has no absolute authority, because there is no one there to greet you at the finish line for strength; there is no reward leading to fulfillment.

A person can keep on proving their mettle and never feel good.

Strength that I work on everyday in my life is finding where I build walls to myself and against others. Strength is seeking my own vulnerability and speaking my truth to whomever may listen. Strength builds connection not superiority or inferiority; it allows me to relax and embrace happiness. Strength of being my most authentic self no matter what it may cost in how I appear to others is priceless; I know of nothing more that brings a sense of wholeness. Strength is reaching out and specifically stating what you need from others; clarity brings Strength is honesty, pain, happiness, love–feeling all of OUR emotions; visiting what breathes behind my carefully placed armor and constructed walls.

Strength says “no” when you mean “no” and “yes” when you mean “yes”.

Strength is recognizing you are enough and worthy just because you exist and doing what suits you from your heart and soul. Want to fingerpaint all day Saturday and not run errands? Do it! Want to start a fan club for happiness? Begin it now. Start living life on your terms…that is true strength.

There is no need to draw a line in the sand or tell other people where to go. You just go where you want, others can join you or choose their own road. Freedom is true strength.

Take a stand for yourself by being true to your heart, not your mind and the stories it tells you that you “should” act in any capacity…there will always be the “what ifs, the shoulds, the have to’s etc…”

And what happens if you don’t do the items on the “should list”? Your world changes.

I watch it happen with my clients all the time. Stop a “Should” in its tracks. They break a pattern of auto-pilot and become engaged in their life by not being the burro, superman, a knight in armor, the tent-holder or any other show of “strength” which is meant for applause by an invisible entity…. they drop down to where they live behind the wall and come out and play.

Strength is in vogue when it is from your most vulnerable, authentic, connected place inside of you….

Please let me know your thoughts on how “strength” works in your life.