Gone Bananas!

online-dating-header2

Yup, it’s my new favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner. Okay, well maybe not dinner, but it is just a perfect blend of chocolate and banana frozen together for a very satisfying flavor explosion of ecstasy in every bite. Mmmmm, mmmmm GOOD!

This post isn’t really about my one-item smorgasbord. It’s about going bananas! Or something like that.

I woke up today, after having a fun little get together in my backyard last night. I have a very cool fire-pit and wonderful space to entertain. But I am getting off topic here. Where was I? Oh yeah, waking up.

I did my meditation, which is guided, because for me I need something to focus on and I tend to pull them off YouTube, which is great unless you get the commercials about something violent as you’re trying to listen to the birds, and nature.

I spent a leisurely morning trying to figure out a FUN way to write this post. I couldn’t think of one, so I recorded my latest podcast.

You see this blog post is supposed to cover goal-setting. And it just sounded so BORING, that I couldn’t wrap myself around it (I am giving away a real fun worksheet, yes it really is fun–you can download it below). To be even more honest, I have been in a place of HUGE ambivalence and resistance around some of my goals.

Do I really want what I say I want?

Let’s see. I do. Sorta. Well, let’s take one of my goals. I do want a relationship. And then I don’t.

I want one for some amazing reasons, truly I do. But, my ambivalence is in my laziness and my resistance is in the effort to actually make it a big focus in my life. I have a dating coach who has been listening to me dig my heels in about having ease around meeting someone…you know just having him show up on my doorstep (though that could be a bit scary, considering what would you do if someone showed up one day and said “Hi, I’m your new relationship!” LOL)

I love the idea of kismet, just meeting someone out of the blue. It’s happened before, I would love it to happen again.

Anyways, so back to the point of this blog: my resistance and ambivalence to my goal. Here’s the thing. When we (notice I said “WE”)….have a goal, there is bound to be some resistance and ambivalence. And to get clear, it is to determine if the competing issue, as in my case: my laziness to making an effort to go to singles’ parties, show up in places single men might be and continue with my online foray into the wonderful world of dating has a stronger value than my actual deep desire and goal of a happy, healthy relationship.

Of course, this comes after determining if this is an actual goal I want for myself, which it is and I can thank my little worksheet I put together! Yes, you can use it too and figure out if your unreachable goals are really ones you want or get some clarity on what’s standing in the way to get to em’, just click to download. (it’s free)

I know my competing value of laziness was super strong when I discovered it, which would explain my current dating issue (talking to men online and losing interest or not following through, because I made a decision quickly, so I could basically remain in ambivalence.) and as the days have gone by since my dating coach cornered my on my b.s……I am growing less lazy.

I am feeling less resistance and actually started looking around for how I can work at this (with ease) without making it into a second job. I am committed to the desire for a relationship, and that’s the key for everyone. Make sure your commitment to what you want is bigger than all your excuses!

Yes, it really is…just make it a bit bigger than the resistance and stay connected to the journey! Even when you feel a total disconnect, trust yourself to get back in the saddle, because you will, if you really want it! And it’s okay to have days when you have just gone bananas!

Oh and don’t forget to download this free worksheet. It helps!! Really. I figure whatever helps me can help you too.

Click to download, in case you haven’t yet!

The Manifesting List

Ever wonder how the same things continue to show up? Feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle or keep attracting similar situations?

Check out this list on how you do it and how to gain more control.

  • Whatever we give our attention to, grows.

So, if you want more of it, keep doing it and if you want less, focus elsewhere. Have gratitude for what ‘is’ and focus less on what you wish it would be….watch how more of what you want, actually shows up.

  • Lies are based on a belief that you may lose something or be embarrassed by the truth.

It’s a sign of lack of trust in the self to handle disappointment. Want to really attract amazing people and opportunities, start getting real with yourself and see what you are denying.

  • If you believe that all relationships turn bad or end, you will fulfill that goal. Your subconscious is the map, it tells the conscious mind where to go.

Do you have a negative belief about you or relationships, guess what? The subconscious will fulfill it for you. Instead, get a spotlight to shine on the WHY behind the belief and get uncomfortable, as you take action in a positive direction. (funny, how the words uncomfortable and positive go together) This will create new beliefs.

  • If you believe more good exists inside of you than a voice kicking your butt, the perception you have will make sure the outside will match. (even when negative circumstances arise–you will see it as temporary, not life defining)
  • Engaging in playing games, means sooner or later you’ll end up the loser. Be real.

Authenticity gives your life real meaning. When you play a part, the return on it, never is permanent. Dig deep to find your truth–then act on it, without attachment to the outcome. Most of the time, your results are 9000% better than if you had faked it til you won it.

  • If you don’t believe you have value, you’ll look for situations affirming this belief or create them to show you are indeed, without worth.

Awareness of these core beliefs and questioning their validity will help you to not get triggered into going down the same ol’ road.

  • In loving someone, try to tell your conscious mind it doesn’t mean attachment or expectations are included in the deal.

No one else can fix you or make life better, unless you’re already doing something about it–so even if the love of your life came through the door, nothing would feel one iota better, until you fulfill your own needs first.

  • No matter how much you love someone you cannot stop them from doing self destructive or stupid shit, only they can stop themselves if they want to….or not.

Let go of trying, let go of taking them and their actions personally. You can do nothing to change them, unless they are already doing it themselves.

  • If you really sit with the discomfort inside of you, that you may want someone else to relieve, you’ll find you are your own best medicine.

Stay with the anxiety, the neediness, the emptiness or whatever it is causing you pain. It won’t kill you and you’ll find the temporary relief you get from someone else doesn’t compare to the permanent relief you can offer yourself.

  • Assumptions are dream killers–you can talk yourself out of anything you want (especially if it requires change) just by assuming some story, which may or may not be true.  

If you don’t know, it’s okay, because even if you THOUGHT you knew–most of the time it doesn’t assure the outcome. Spending countless hours analyzing, strategizing and stressing will only lead to more inertia. Action trumps thought, show your ‘mind’ that all assumptions are b.s. and get out there and live your dreams.

This is just a starter EQ (emotional quotient) list. Growing your emotional intelligence will grow your ability to attract amazing people and situations to your personal and professional life.

Chasing Life

f61f195d9dbfb17d3a03e4df28c3ec51

Life is a journey, right?

Sometimes it comes easy and at other times it feels like we’re out there rock climbing without a rope.

I come from a place of being a doer.

I am all about taking action.

I often talk about mental masturbation as a place we can get stuck for eons, and talk ourselves right out of taking action toward what we really want.

I’ve taken action for a multitude of reasons in my life; motivated by excitement or motivated by fear. Many times I also took action, because it was “my pattern, my way, of operating without much thought, because action was on autopilot.

My discovery was the action I took in “autopilot” sprouted from this fear, that if I don’t go after it, then it’ll not be there. It pushed me out there; I thought no one would know me or find me, so my job was to tell others to need me in certain situations.

I had to sell myself and show my value, so I wouldn’t starve or be forgotten.

Sigh–so tiring, right?

I recently found I was still doing it in places. In fact, I had a dream, where I kept asking people in the dream for attention, for what I wanted and give them no room or space to figure it out on their own.

I, physically, felt how I was going against myself and my gut. I knew that in the rapid-fire way of asking someone to give me attention, I was feeling worse and worse about myself in this dream.

When I woke, I thought of my recent “lightbulb moments.” They were connected. I had always been chasing life, perhaps not as overtly or often as I used to, but when it came to my basic needs there definitely was still the fear driving me.

I’ve been without a home, without food and when I was a lot younger, I lived in my car for a bit of time (more out of stubbornness than necessity) too.

I realized my lack of trust was still there; I didn’t believe things would work out for me. I didn’t trust my value, and I was so focused on a pattern (a major one) repeating in my life, apparently against my will, that I was disconnecting from me and my truth.

Confusion is the sign of a lesson.

Clarity has been uneven for the past 6 months. I have spent time really searching inside myself for clarity, for the karma in my life that apparently is standing in the way of where I intuitively feel I am supposed to be.

What am I talking about?

When we are on a path, paying attention to our inner calling, it’s not alway clear that life will fall into place. Often it does not and we can take it as a sign to jump off the path or stay with the course. Clarity often comes last.

I must continue the course. Intuitively, I know it’s where I’m headed. When we stay on the challenging path, it’s where our karma lies to be balanced, to teach us, so we grow. For me, it’s been either action or allowing. Desiring to be in alignment and accepting circumstances as they are instead of trying to change them all the time. What is my lesson?

Make sense?

I’ve come to clarity with more to come.

First,  there’s no purpose in exhausting ourselves to chase life.

Second, the lack of trust in ourselves and the Universe can cause us to get stuck in the same pattern over and over, trying to teach us what will actually simplify our lives.

Third, if we keep turning events and our reactions to our inner wisdom, clues do show up and one day we have an epiphany telling us the path we’re on is purposeful. Our perspective shifts and we start to see the opportunity rather than the challenges.

Fourth, the recognition of our own value comes from connecting and re-connecting (no one is connected to themselves 24/7) to our truth and staying with it, no matter what the path looks like ahead.

Fifth, no one else can offer proper judgment on our karma. We’re here to grow and learn. We are not on our own timetable, there is no rushing and chasing that needs to happen. We can relax and have faith that our challenges will give way to enlightenment and success.

 

 

 

Perseverance and Tenacity=Friends

faith

Our society gives an illusion that things should come easily and everyone should be a winner!Why do we believe easy is the street we are entitled to drive down when we want to achieve a goal?

Often when we set our eye on the prize, we may be remiss in remembering the journey there will have it’s moments of testing us, even when we believe we deserve it! We can learn more about ourselves when we focus on our goal. We can learn we really don’t want it; it’s too hard or we find no matter what happens we’re hanging on with all we have inside.

One characteristic well learned on a journey to a goal is what part of us is connected to the goal. Is it drive and ambition or joy and passion? Many times we have an inner drive that will push us forward, but that drive is not a passion it comes from having to prove ourselves in some way. It is from an insecurity that we feel we must overcome or win. And then we’ll be okay.

When we discover what creates a sense of joy and passion within us, it will feed the perseverance and tenacity to embrace our goal. The journey there is quite different than one which is driven by ambition. It  may look the same from an outside observation, but the inner pull toward that place is quite different.

There is joy along the journey when you are passionately loving what you do. When you are in it for proving something or just trying to make a buck, the journey ain’t so fun, especially when inevitable obstacles show up in the way.

The key to having what you really want is perseverance and tenacity to continue to create. It’s about the creation rather than just “getting through.” It’s to continue to find that place within when all odds are against you and nothing seems to be showing you any sign of the fruits of your labor, where you touch the seed of creation.

If you stick with it, success will happen. Success may look different than you originally anticipated, but when you are in a constant state of creativity and growth, things will bloom. You will witness miracles happening, because you focused on creating what you want and the love of what you are creating has no choice, but to draw the same in response.

Find what you truly love, what gives you passion and create. Keep creating, it gives you a feeling of joy even when you are faced with overwhelming odds pointing to complete failure. And in defining what complete failure is for an individual, it is all what we make of it.

In creating, moving through with perseverance, you may end up moving away from the original goal or letting go of it and moving onto something, which suits you even more closely than your impetus to begin.

Stay open. Stay connected to your joy. Focus on what you want. You never know what the day will bring.

What forest? All I see are obstacles

forest_through_the_trees

Can’t see the forest for the trees?

Everything is a problem, as in, one big nightmarish problem?

What are you focused on a goal or the obstacles to the goal?

Perhaps you are just focused on obstacles without a clear goal, besides getting out of bed each morning and physically showing up wherever it is you need to be, maybe that’s your goal?

Many people wake up in the morning with their first thought being dread of the day ahead with no escape. Some wake believing they’re another day closer to having what they want.

Most days, I wake with the thought. “What time is it?” followed by, “What day is it?” And then I start creating my day. Most days I look at what the possibility is of the day, as I work toward my dreams. Some days though, I wake in a panic about certain parts of my life, where NOTHING is happening and it comes down to my most basic needs are threatened.

Even the days where the panic sets in, it does wear off. If I remain in a state of panic, I can be ensured things will remain the same.

How do I get out of the panic?

I find the joy.

My joy.

I look at what can I do that will connect me to the joy, not the obstacles that I want gone. Once I make that connection, I begin-I feel lighter, more energetic. I don’t do what only brings joy, I do the things that are important to “my forest” and because I have connected to the joy, there is a lot less drudgery in performing the tasks.

The obstacles we have in our lives tell us we are either moving toward or avoiding something. When we have no obstacles we are in stagnation.
When we are moving toward something, we don’t put our focus on the obstacles, we continue to focus on the goal.  It gives us the “joy,” the energy, enthusiasm and fulfillment we seek.
When we are avoiding something and all we see are obstacles, irritants and things out of our control, we are not living. We are existing in a lot of turmoil. We are thinking all of our issues are outside of us and “if only this would change,” or “this person would do this thing,” that all the obstacles would be resolved. Not so.
You have to focus beyond the single tree and ask yourself “What am I doing to contribute to the obstacles by not seeing my own unhappiness? Why am I unhappy? What in me keeps me in these situations where I give power to everything around me, but not in me?”
And then take action for yourself. What do you really want? 
What about those who have no obstacles and live in stagnation?
They have blinders on to their life. They get up, do what they have to do in an almost robotic way, as though they are just getting through life and go to bed in much the same fashion. There is no hope or interest in goals, because it is too scary. It’s better to just live in this pod, rather than try to live life to its fullest and experience the sense of possibility that comes with living toward a dream. It’s a choice.
Don’t spend time trying to fix or change the obstacles; instead put that energy toward your dreams.
Opportunities come out of the blue when you have the intention to accomplish your goal. It’s way more invigorating than constantly doing a square dance with obstacles.

It’s such a struggle!

Struggle

Every single person has issues.

The only thing setting us apart from one another is our perception of struggle.

How do you see your struggles?

For some of us those issues overwhelm and overtake life.

It can be the subject of every conversation you have with other people.

Is it your daily drama?

Do you keep the drama alive by talking about it and taking no action to change it?  And what if you are taking action to change it, but you see no tangible results?

Sometimes it isn’t that we even share these struggles with others. Perhaps, we take ourselves out of the game, hibernating and avoiding others, so we don’t have to answer the dreadful question, “How are you?”

If we all have problems why are we less understanding of certain issues that someone we know is going through?

Why do we just want someone to get over it or move on? Is it a lack of patience or something deeper? Perhaps, we see ourselves in their shoes and it hits too close to home; we may prefer to stop the topic cold in its tracks.

Our society loves winners!

We especially love the story of how someone struggled to overcome great odds and became the hero; the winner!

How much struggle is too much struggle?

When do you throw in the towel? What if “quit” isn’t in your vocabulary?

If you hang on for the ride long enough will you eventually hit calmer waters?

Like so many things it’s a matter of personal perspective usually mixed with what everyone around you is willing to put up with from your state of struggle.

If you have people around you urging you to give up, do something else, leave or just get over it, how hard is it to stand your ground if you believe you need to endure to the bitter or sweet end?

Lots o’ questions, but to me the bottom line when it comes to struggle….

”What’s your goal?”

Know it and let it provide many answers.

Even with struggle, do you feel the excitement in every molecule of your being; it’s your joy and your focus?  To stop and give up may feel like a death to your dreams. It could leave you with a deep sense of regret for years to come.

If your goal provides this connection, the struggle may be born of your external circumstances.

The external circumstances can tip off the internal struggle, make you question yourself and wonder sometimes what’s possible? And the more you let it weigh you down the more struggle and farther away the goal becomes.

Now on the other hand, if you know your goal, but aren’t enthused, because it feels like you “have to do it,” then the seed of your struggle is internal.

External obstacles, probably serve to irritate you, while confirming, that the goal ain’t based on your own inner truth.

When you reach this goal, you maybe relieved. Quickly followed by a sense of bitterness, sadness, or other regret, because you weren’t doing what you really wanted to do. Rarely, is there a sense of fulfillment.

Struggle.

Focusing on the obstacle creates a sense of battle or being battle weary. It can be harder to focus on your goal, when you get caught up in the struggle. And if you don’t want to do it, it’s even more painful.

Many stay in a state of constant struggle. It’s life-defining.

Some have it flip on and off like a light switch. The ones who are doing everything to work through their obstacles, can have days, which make even the most dedicated question what they are doing.

How do you know if you should stick with it?

First. Know your goal.

Second. Define what your goal means to you. Meaning, what will it do for you once achieved?

Third. Why do you want the goal? Is it for your sake, or someone else’s idea of what you should do to be a good person, better spouse, parent, friend, employee or employer?

Fourth. When you imagine yourself attaining your goal with your meaning achieved; are you fulfilled, relieved, happy, sad, etc…? Once you know how you feel step 5 is easy.

Fifth. If you know you’ll be fulfilled and happy achieving the goal, then commit to it wholeheartedly. Don’t let anything stand in your way, enjoy the ride. See the struggle as temporary and know you are living life on your terms. Even if you have to make a left turn, just make sure you can get back on that road. When we have a sense of ownership over what we are doing it changes how we view struggle.

If step four meant you’ll feel regret, sadness, or relief in attaining the goal. Then it’s probably time you sat down and figured out what you want for you. You’re the only one who can make you happy. And sacrificing for others never feels good to anyone, because everyone around you is experiencing your struggle.

No matter where your struggle is take a step back and see what you can do toward your goal that isn’t a struggle, just for the moment. And maybe while you are focused elsewhere, the obstacles may start to resolve themselves.

p.s. check out my pocket guides to the right, you can download them for FREE. : )

The Pattern Keeper

Definition: Kinda like the horse whisperer, but more in line with being addicted to a way of living, which is beyond all logic, and actively BLOCKS action toward any goal you have of happiness or wholeness.

It is easy to achieve “keeper” status when you ain’t payin’ any attention.

We all do it when we say, “Why does this keep happening to me over and over?”  Or “ I try so hard and nothing seems to work”. Yes, my friend…you are the “pattern keeper” too, indiscriminately whispering repetitively to yourself, what you deserve.

And when it comes to others. Let’s say in your most important relationship your partner continually finds comfort in wallowing in self-pity. This person is pity party central over a bad hair day or a trip to the dentist ruins their entire week. You feel you have tried everything to lift his or her jowls off the floor and what you really want to do is SCREAM. You want to say, “If you don’t like your steak well-done then start ordering it how YOU like it!” And taking it a step further, let’s just say this is your pattern in this situation; “be nice, then you can’t take it anymore and blow up” does this help toward bonding and being happy? Hell no!

It is hard to take a step back and decide that you won’t participate in such a detrimental way. You decide you won’t punish yourself or the other person by losing your cool and saying things you will regret. Instead, you take a deep breath and say, “What does this person need from me right now?” Not sympathy, but COMPASSION. If your goal is love and happiness, then you step out of your anger pattern and take a very uncomfortable step into authentic compassion.

I am sure as “pattern keepers”, that scenario could be applied to several situations. I know in my own life it is an experience I am confronted with and have actively stepped into compassion—it feels better and is where I want to skip along to as I make this journey.

We think we are aware of what we do and why we do it, but most of the time we are just reacting to something in the past. We keep the past alive and well when we are not aware.

We say, “I want to buy a house, so I need to save money.” And we try so hard for a day or a week and then that really cool car or Jet Ski with its immediate gratification seems to be a better bet and we again move out of alignment with our goal.

We get fed up, angry and resentful.

We swear and promise that we will not be stuck in Groundhog Day.

Anger and frustration do not create a smooth road to peace; it instead lengthens the distance you must travel. It is the continued route of resistance, ennui, drama and everything else belonging in a soap opera. You are the main character when you don’t “see and understand the origin of your patterns” and “when you don’t take action NOW by making different choices (as difficult as it is) to gain a different outcome.”

You must listen for the whisper. The whisper belongs to a thought that is uttered by the pattern keeper within you. If you react with disappointment to news of a loss or something which makes you question “who you are” with depression or withdrawing from life, PAY ATTENTION. This is a PERFECT opportunity to grab back your dreams from the grasp of the pattern keeper. You can decide to respond differently to those circumstances. This is the KEY. Don’t let YOU hold YOU back.

Things don’t go our way, a lot of the time. Don’t let the pattern keeper do a number on your mojo! As hard as it is to respond favorably to disappointment, see it is a temporary setback and keep on groovin’ down that party line. Make a choice to not let that pattern of reaction be the RULER. Take back your power and make shit happen!

I do this regularly, especially when I feel stuck. I know it’s the pattern keeper in me spinning its head around and barfing up green gook. I have bigger dreams and the only way to achieve them is to hear that “whisper” and take opposite action. Make it opposite day and see what you achieve.

Obviously, I am not trying to inspire violence or any law breaking here; more importantly I am saying don’t do what is comfortable (that is always a red light flashing)…instead go emotionally sky-diving!!! Jump off that cliff!

The older you get the more the pattern keeper may rule, after all you have all these years of experience to back up those patterns. Your dreams don’t die; they get buried in your own limitations. It is all in your head when you take the path that is comfortable, the one, which make your days resemble Groundhog’s Day. Take the path of least INNER resistance; don’t battle yourself.

Listen for the whisper. Stop for a minute and decide to take opposite action even if you feel you have cement blocks for feet. Then take you and all your heaviness, spread your wings and fly like you are a child once again. You will feel a sense of giddiness when you see yourself moving away from the pattern keeper. You will recognize your empowerment and feel anything is possible. I promise!!

Please check out my article on the elephant journal. Click here to read it!!!

Standing in the way of…

Images come to my mind of physical obstacles that block our pathways. Trains, rocks, dead-ends, buildings, cement barriers, dams and any other structure making the linear path seemingly impossible.

In myself, friends, family and clients, the type of obstacles most detrimental to well-being, success and happiness are emotional blocks; the way we stand in our own way.

We cannot understand why we can’t get from point A to B. We say we want a better life, a promotion, love, to get along with others and fertilize our happiness. Instead, we are bolloxed by our own story. The “can’t” list grows bigger and yes…my favorite saying comes to mind: “You are stuck in a box”.

I have a client who wants to move to anther country and teach English.

She says she wants to save money to make her transition easier, but at least once or twice a month she finds herself buying items at discount stores that she doesn’t really need. She stands in her own way. We have spent time on this subject and I have asked her to “pause” when she gets caught up in the “urge” to shop. Breathe and see how she feels, asking herself if she really needs this new item. Why does she want to sabotage her own success, when she can see herself living in this other country? Because a part of her doesn’t feel worthy of her goal and it stands in her way. When you think big, it is scary. You have to believe you deserve it more than you don’t. Small keeps us safe and you don’t have to question your value. Small is where you beat yourself up for all the BIG stuff you are basically saying “no” to having in your life.

I know someone who has a job in which he works strictly for the paycheck. He has bigger dreams than this 9-6 p.m. obligation, in fact his dreams have nothing to do with his job. He finds his free time to entertain his creativity, severely limited. In fact, I had asked him to write the post on this subject. His big heart wanted to, but his brain said there was no time.

He is starting to feel depressed about his plight. He can’t seem to figure out the best course of action, because his fears are much greater than his resolve for happiness. He is afraid he will end up in poverty or at the very least struggling financially where he to lose his job. It is a very real concern, but one that shouldn’t hold him back from carving out time to be creative and work toward his “real” dreams.

In his case, the feeling of boredom, disassociation and listlessness concerning his job bleed into his free time. On top of that he now has a co-worker who has decided to create an additional stress in his work environment, which gives him even greater anxiety with his job. The day job affects all areas of his life. What’s the answer? He has to “get out of his own way”.

Instead of finding himself tugged under the train, he has to connect with that place inside of him that wants this other life. The place buried under the layers of responsibility, fear, unworthiness and anything else which keeps him in his comfortable yet unfulfilling corner of his life.

He has to step into discomfort. Maybe he could make a commitment to spending 30 minutes or an hour a day being creative toward his dream? It is easy to do once you take the first step, but first you have to get out of your own way. Instead, of filling his plate in his free time with things meant to bring momentary gratification or escape from the dreariness of his job, he needs to invest in his own happiness and do something which makes HIM uncomfortable. It may even give him anxiety, because also buried in there is a sense of expectation. He will have an expectation of himself to be creative so that whatever he makes will have to live up to his standard of excellence. Will he get out of his way? Last time I checked, he made a decision to spend time each day opening himself up to his greater dreams….interestingly enough, he is starting to relax, enjoying his time on and off the job, and spending more time having FUN!

We stand in our own way when we say we want to lose weight, but continue to overeat (Overeating–calories in, calories out… too many different schools of thought to name here on what is healthy).

When an individual overeats she is stuffing feelings. She is trying to fill what is not fulfilled in her life. When I am stuck in a process, I too, find myself wandering over to the refrigerator…mindlessly, not even aware of my actions, in a sort of haze as I wake up to realize I am looking for a feeling of satisfaction, which never comes through eating in this manner.

Standing in your own way with LOVE is another man-made obstacle. Love has no boundaries, yet most people place “limitations” on this particular subject. People all require love, but as much as they want it, they may run from it, because it requires vulnerability and getting out of your own way of protecting yourself from getting hurt.

It appears a person usually comes equipped with a long list of expectations a partner MUST live up to, so the individual doesn’t have to wake with disappointment continuously. And of course when we are focusing with what is wrong with someone else, we are not focusing on “ourselves”. We once again stand in our own way in love. At the end of the day or in the middle of a dispute, you need to ask yourself is it more important to win the argument, stop dating someone who doesn’t fulfill your list 24/7, punish another human and stand in the way of what you really want? Could you pause for a second and do what feels difficult, asking yourself, “What is the goal? Being alone and self righteous?” Or do you want to extend yourself beyond your comfort zone and say “love” is the winner? And be open and vulnerable to what that means?

I have to say that “love” rules for me every time I take a step out of my own tunnel vision–as in “getting out of my own way”, I want love to be the winner.

It creates a huge sucking up within myself; processing my old feelings of it being weak to communicate or back off the desire to be righteous or punish another, and INSTEAD ask myself, “Do I love this person? Do I want to do whatever I can in a healthy way to keep this relationship in my life?” And I find myself answering “yes”, it is important to me. I then ask myself what is the most loving thing to do? What I find is then I must walk on a bed of nails. I communicate what is true for me even if it ruffles his feathers. I end up finding the balance of not destroying the relationship,while being vulnerable, honest and loving to curtail an old pattern once again. It is not easy and thankfully he is a kind and patient man. It really is nice to say, it is a relief to get the hell out of my own way!

Happiness, Goals and the FEAR Box

Definition of the fear box : 

A place we imprison ourselves without even realizing how we arrived there. It allows us to compartmentalize our lives, not deal with fears, and play it safe with NO emotional risks.

In the box, our actions and beliefs don’t correspond to our dreams/goals. It is familiar and comfortable, yet very uncomfortable too.

We may complain and say we want things to be different, but continue to invest in building thicker walls in our box, while we wait. We wait for the magical day to appear in which it is safe to come out and play. We may be waiting for the planets to align, or a person; wishing for confidence or stability, security, a green light and any other “outside” sign telling us its safe to proceed. This day WILL NEVER come.

Ya just gotta do it!

Each day is an opportunity. Yet, how many people wake up on a “regular” day without a catalyst and take the leap of faith to live their heart’s desire?

Pulling people out of their FEAR box doesn’t work.

It took me years to finally release myself from pulling people along in my personal life. I did it to ignore my fears. Until I was pretty far along on my journey into awareness did it become clear; I hid in this role.

I didn’t realize what a high cost it was for me to always be the shoulder to cry on, the Dear Abby, the “nice and funny” person until a few years back. Let me say, old habits and beliefs die-hard; it’s been a long process to let go.

I didn’t want to look at why I carried a low level of anxiety and loneliness. What belief about myself created this facade? Keeping me surrounded by my own limitations, in my FEAR box.

I remember when I was a kid; my mom told me I wasn’t nice and no one would like me. She said I was selfish and cold; that I didn’t need anyone and was already like an adult at 8 years old. The thing is all of those words were background music to my actions and beliefs I developed about myself FOR YEARS.

I figured if I was this other “person” then what my mom said would NOT be true. I could prove her wrong and make it so people loved me and needed me. (Btw-This was not obvious to me until I did transformative work and took action.)

I thought if I weren’t nice, no one would be my friend.

If I wasn’t trying to fix their lives with my “words of wisdom” or “support” then I would be alone in this world.

Funny, how what you are afraid of most happening, ends up happening.

Slowly and I mean slowly, I became aware of it in my personal life. Thankfully, in my coaching practice I am able to provide without taking anything personally. It is a healthy relationship with my clients.

I have released all people in my personal life to go freely and live in their boxes. I subscribed to a skewed philosophy that if others saw me living by my word they would be inclined too.

Not so.

And how self-righteous was my view? Who am I to take what people asked for in my support or guidance and remind them through honest words?

Someone told me I make it impossible to hide.

So I gave up the dysfunctional relationships where there was no alternative. Ones in which I allowed others’ to make me responsible for their well-being. I accepted in my remaining relationships that I’m supportive, but I don’t invest in the choices of others as my personal crusade.

As I take action and live from a place of authenticity for myself, I realized that I had a hard time personally listening to people repetitively complain about the same thing (beyond venting) or tell me stories, which made them victims.

And if I agreed, I’d feel like I was letting them off the hook to their fulfilling their own dream. It’s not my personal job.

Now in my personal life I don’t make that investment. I accept and don’t try to fix.

I’m there as a friend who may ask questions and be supportive, but not as their therapist.

Have you found yourself in that role? You are welcome to retire any time.

Take all that energy and focus on what holds you back from your own dreams. And if you are inclined, pop out of your FEAR box.

As I’ve learned by coaching people and watching them move toward their dreams, it is about making the commitment to oneself.

No one can do the heavy lifting for us. Only we can do it to have our lives become what we say we want.

I will continue to take risks, which are uncomfortable as hell every day; push me beyond my own limitations and not sabotage myself. I know when I honor myself; I honor others. I accept others and I can still choose to take my own fork in the road and find new traveling companions. Or if I stay, it is from this place of fulfillment in my heart.

I invested in a romantic relationship that was not fulfilling me in any way. Safe topics were cool. And like the relationship with my parents, we rarely addressed issues between the two of us. The pink elephant was in the room; unless I reached my limit of being able to NOT focus on what was obviously wrong.

No change ever happened. …I gave up fixing and pulling, so the relationship fell away. And as I move on, intimacy is something I no longer fear.

I chose to invest in men who preferred to never rise to the occasion; stuck deep in their own boxes. I preferred this to keep me single and in my FEAR box.

Why, if I am saying I wanted to be married was I working so hard at investing in the opposite? Haha.

Old commitment fears and issues die-hard too.

I keep taking Ol’ Bessie in hand here and am honest with myself. I know the fear I felt had nothing to do with the other person; it is my fear of my own emotions coming at me—can I handle them? Now? YES I can.

Pop right out of my FEAR box!

Love is spacious, fear is limiting and once again I walk on my hot coals. I don’t have to slam doors. I don’t fear a committed relationship as a prison; I can just love.

As my client told me jokingly last week when we were setting his appointment for this week: “ Next week could be rough, with everybody “needing me”. Can’t I just go back into hiding and be a recluse? I blame/thank you for this.”

My client is in a healthy, happy relationship now, a great social life and developing a whole new division of his business for himself too.

He is one of the reasons I coach, watching people pop out of their FEAR boxes and create the happy life they want.

 

My proposal

This is a letter I have created and started sending out to people I know. I am inspired, partially because I have set forth believing certain things would come together this year and I am ready to really take life on, fully! I also know I am putting it all out there and this is just another avenue!

This is an unusual request. My hope is that you will pass this on to everyone you know and that they too will pass it on to their circle. I am providing an outline to you of a creative opportunity.

I am a transformative coach. I help people to release obstacles, which keep them from living a more relaxed, happy and dream-fulfilling existence. I believe in living from your heart. I have decided to put that statement into ACTION.

I am embarking on fulfilling my promise to myself in the hope that it will not only benefit me, but also benefit many in my life and help others in this world. I am committing to creating my business on a much larger scale in this coming year.

I am fortunate to have the support of Victoria, Emma and the Que Linda community. Now, what does it mean to create my business on a larger scale?

It means putting the plans into full-time action that I have been unable to do because of cost and time constraints.

It means asking for financial support far and wide in this endeavor as I commit myself to bringing the following to fruition this year:

1. Writing and completing my book “The manual to The Universe”

a. Creating my podcast and fulfilling radio show invitations based on the book.

b. Revitalizing my website to include ecommerce

c. Incorporating my company 13Degreez to support my endeavors

d. Writing and completing my e-course offerings from the book.

2. Creating my DVD series based on the book

It is a long list, but as many of you know this is about living from my heart. It is about continuing to create the life I want and to show others it can be done if you just “believe” and apply action to that faith. We all have it in us!

It is my dream and whether I receive financial support or not, I AM DOING IT!!! Woohoo!

It has been a long journey to this point. There have been many twists and turns on my path that it seems like taking a risk at this stage in my life is a little like joining the circus. I have worked in corporate America as a Vice President and other managerial roles over the years. I have applied my mentoring skills, along with my coaching training and my heart to being a coach. I have a stake in everyone who comes through my door and I love watching people blossom.

At times in my life, this connection to what I do has been nonexistent. I have lost more than I have won; yet those lessons are what propel me forth. I have gone from sleeping on someone’s couch to working in a business that I love!! My existence now is self-honesty, one that challenges me to not allow old beliefs to stand in my way.

I have written out levels of contribution to my endeavor. My goal is to work on the projects listed here and to continue working with my clients too. And so, I wanted to be realistic as to the return on an investment that anyone would make to my life goals and I did a bit of research on compensation or ROI.

I found a website called kickstarter.com, people ask for funding for a variety of artistic projects. Many of the people looking for support offered a variety of opportunities to supporters to have a return on their investment. I have listed them below.

If you would like to participate in this project of mine—you will receive regular updates, enjoy surprises from me in terms of appreciation and the list below of goodies. If you pledge over $10,000.00 you will also earn a percentage of profit from sales of either my DVD collection or books. Once those items are to market, I will keep you posted as to the sales of those items.

I am offering the following in terms of my skills: coaching, writing, marketing and intuitive readings. As the investment grows, so does what I can offer to each investor. Another option is to pre-pay coaching or intuitive reading appointments at a fee of 125.00 per hour or any fraction of that time.

All contributors will be listed on my website and updated on my progress. As well as, anyone making a contribution of $10,000.00 or more will receive the appropriate legal contract. I am grateful, appreciative and know/believe that this will help everyone who contributes in some form or another.

You can invest through paypal on my website at: 13 Degreez and once you are on my site, please go to the page “Groups/Classes”.

Thank you and peace,

Tracy Crossley

Tracy@13degreez.com