Do You Treat Yourself As Someone You Love?

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Awhile back I was outside walking and doing my visualizations, etc. on the items¬†I am manifesting in my life. It’s been interesting to observe my own thoughts as they have shifted from obsessing about certain areas of my life (love and money), to a very balanced overall desire for fulfillment across the board.

As I thought about how I shifted from years of making all desires¬†about love, more than anything else I thought to myself, “I am ready for a life partner.”

I continued with, “I will love him as I love myself.” Whoa Nelly!

What?

That statement¬†made me stop. It was an emotional epiphany and gave me pause. It¬†lead to the next question,¬†”¬†Do I treat myself like I would treat someone else I love?”

Oh yeah! And as the answer washed over me, opening all sorts of doors inside of me, ¬†I realized if I don’t treat myself in this loving manner, at some point I will treat the other¬†person the same way,¬†I treat myself.

How Do You Treat Yourself?

I looked back at my most recent relationships, at some of the men I had recently dated, and asked myself not how I treated them, but how I treated me in the process.

Wow! Did that illuminate my love for me!¬†I have come a long way from self-rejection, dislike and self-hatred¬†when I was young. Now I’m in an on-and-off relationship with loving myself.

I do spend a significant amount of time connecting to my value, pleasing myself and emotionally taking care of me. But in the past? In the past I had been like the evil stepmother in Cinderella!

I dieted and exercised to the point of making it an obsession for years… stringent, depriving, unloving and wanting my body to do what it didn’t want to do! Does anyone see the love in that statement?

I worked like a dog. Pleasure? What was pleasure?

I took care of my kids. Not only were they first, I allowed them to be everything. Oh man, so not good!

I hid in my work, in things which would distract me from loving myself. I ALWAYS felt empty and wanted to feel validated.

I was a class A asshole to myself! I appeared to have it all together, but appearances, as we know, are deceiving.

I could be really cruel, and as I stood on the street that day during my walk, I saw how I had treated some of my previous partners. I gave to them from an empty well, expecting each of these guys to refill it. To give me what I demanded without giving it to myself. It was their job.

Where the hell did I get the idea that my emotional well-being was someone else’s duty?

I was raised to believe it. All I had to do was look at the relationship with my mother and continue to see it out in the world. When I turned on the TV or saw a movie or heard a song wailing away about ‘being done wrong’ by someone (not cheating–but someone feeling like shit because someone was not giving them what they wanted!). As I write this, I thought of that old song “Wedding Bell Blues” by the 5th Dimension.

Bill, I love you so, I always will
I look at you and see the passion eyes of May
Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day

I was on your side, Bill, when you were losin’
I never scheme or lie, Bill, there’s been no foolin’
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels
Oh, but am I ever gonna hear my wedding bells

I was the one who came runnin’ when you were lonely
I haven’t lived one day not lovin’ you only
But kisses and love won’t carry me till you marry me Bill

I love you so, I always will
And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows
But Bill you’re never gonna take those wedding vows

Oh, come on Bill, oh, come on Bill
Come on and marry me, Bill, I got the wedding bell blues
Please marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues, wedding bell blues
Marry me Bill, I got the wedding bell blues

Hmmm… do the lyrics speak of this woman taking care of herself? Loving herself? Nope, she talks about feeling entitled, showing how he was first (not her) and he OWES her! Right?

She has no love for herself. She thinks by being a welcome mat for someone else, she can cajole the guy into thinking he owes her enough to marry her!

And if you were Bill, wouldn’t you keep running?

Dig Deep and Look at Your Expectations

Back to the street corner. Would I now, in this moment, expect somebody to refill what love I didn’t give myself?¬†¬†I didn’t draw a hard line with myself, which is a huge improvement. Instead I realized how I had mellowed and wasn’t perfect (thankfully, I no longer take a toothbrush to the floorboards).

As I continued my walk, ¬†I started running through my day and asking if each choice I made was toward pleasure, toward my goals, or in opposition. Did I practice self-care in the way I would like to care for somebody else? Did I make sure to have happy moments, or did I intend to keep attracting somebody who doesn’t make choices that are happy?

I really dug deep. I tend to pay attention to my choices. Are they life-expanding or life-shrinking? A lot of questions my friends, but if we really start to dig deep and look at our expectations, we will find how we treat ourselves to be surprising at times.

It’s okay if we don’t love ourselves all the time. We have all been raised with some sort of self-sabotaging beliefs, which we hold ourselves accountable for, to the degree of our¬†awareness about our relationship with ourselves.

We have to communicate clearly with ourselves, not shirk away from our own treatment. And still live fully into accepting all that is lovable and not lovable inside of us. When we practice this¬†self-accepting behavior, we start to show up differently. We stop treating others as a threat, especially when we want them to give to us now, and feel they won’t! Or we¬†need¬†distance or we want to go off feeling sorry for ourselves. We can find a kinder, more loving way to move through our relationships… especially the one with ourselves.

How do YOU treat yourself in relationships… past or present? Do you treat yourself the way you treat your partner?¬†Please share…

Half A Relationship– Who Would Choose That?

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A client I had not seen in a long time came in for a session. She had recently gone through a break up which wasn’t an official break-up.

Ever heard of it?

She had been dating someone for the past nine months, where effort from him and intimacy hit its peak two months into the relationship. Then what was left were a lot of words… promises.

It was a long distance relationship, but she met his family and it was a love-fest with them. He was pleased, but his inability to ‚Äėenjoy‚Äô talking on the phone and seeing her too often continued to grow.

A month ago they went on a 10-day vacation where he presented the possibility that it was time to level up to boyfriend/girlfriend status. They shared a special connection and it seemed destined to move forth. After all, they were similar in many ways‚ÄĒeven sending the same cards to each other. And as a bonus there was great chemistry! But back at home after the vacation, it started to unravel slowly. He was less available and more ‘put out’ to make time to see her, yet declared he didn‚Äôt want to lose her.

Sound familiar?

As she hung by a string, trying to figure out what exactly was going on, he brought a third party into the relationship, but still declared he wanted her in his life.

I share this because it is not uncommon, at least in my line of work. These half in/half out relationships, non-committal with action but can’t let go with their words, seem to affect generations of folks following the sexual revolution. WTF?

My client is a very intelligent, attractive, business woman; a Type A personality who knows what she wants and does not usually justify bad behavior or find herself unable to make a decision that would make her happier. But the fear of loss and abandonment, coupled with what she felt was a real connection, made it difficult for her to stop accepting breadcrumbs.

As the generations of people who did not get married at 19 and stay married their entire lives has expanded, so have the types of relationships many people find themselves in. All of these experiences take their toll on our self-esteem and self-confidence, dramatically increasing the fear factor. So as we get older, this phenomenon makes for some unusual situations.

It‚Äôs not to say that people who find themselves in these ‘sorta, kinda’ relationships have a fatal flaw or something is tragically wrong with them. On the contrary, many of these individuals are successful, stable, capable and want love as much as anyone. But wanting it and being available for it are two different things.

Many years ago I went this route myself.

I got divorced and went to therapy. After doing therapy for a few years, I thought I was in pretty good shape. I wasn’t. I possessed no clue as to what it meant to be anxiety-free, connected to myself, truly confident, whole, happy and not seeking outside validation to tell me I was lovable. I was still looking for someone to fix what was wrong with me or fill up the gaping hole inside of me.

On top of it, dating gave me extreme anxiety.

Either the process of dating or being in a ‘sorta kinda’ relationship, or even a dysfunctional one. I had a couple of connections, just like my client, and thought each one was THE one. Instead they were both my greatest mirrors and lessons.

Commitment?

Who needed one while suspended like a yo-yo between closeness and distance? Being caught up in the intensity of having someone who understood me superseded the lack of time together and all the other red flags. My fantasy of what I wanted it to be would slowly fall apart. I was a mess, finding myself in situations that seemed inexplicable to myself, let alone to others.

I hear these words from so many people who contact me. They look for psychic readings, books and other people to tell them it’s okay to hope this shitty situation has a silver lining. It can have a great outcome, but not in the way most of us think.

We attract what we’re capable of dealing with, so in these symbolic relationships, as much as we want love, we have to look at how unavailable we are to its full commitment.

Many of us don’t want to give up because of the mind-blowing connection. Plus, for most who are time-constrained with their busy careers, the idea of not investing many hours together has appeal. That is until we recognize that instead of an increasing connection over time, as we seemingly get closer, there’s a decrease. We can have the most amazing connection to people who just aren’t available to meet us at the heart.

Who are these people?

They are married or in another half-assed relationship or perhaps even single, but entwined in their own past pain. They come fully loaded with an instruction manual as thick as a dictionary of terms and conditions, so we’re lucky to get any of their time or affection at all.

For some, the longer we’ve been at the relationship game, the more entrenched we may become in believing we deserve less.

We make excuses for the lack.

We say the few moments of attention are worth all the hours of heartache. We break it off and somehow find ourselves back in this dance with this person, over and over again.
Some wonder where the strength and decision-making skills we had when we were younger went. We used to be more discerning and, perhaps, we were always the ones who left the relationship. Now we find ourselves unable to move on or unravel these ties that bind.

I see it often, and I’ve been there.

If we want change, it’s up to us. We have to take the focus off the other person and place it squarely on ourselves. If we think getting over this person and moving on means to focus on their flaws, all we’re doing is prepping ourselves for another relationship that will cause us heartache.

We have to believe that we deserve the whole enchilada, but first we need to see why we believe deep down inside that we don’t. From there we start to create changes within ourselves. Once we gain clarity and start to treat ourselves with value, our confidence will grow and then we make better decisions.

Connect the dots. Where does the anxiety of abandonment begin? Go back to childhood. Where did you feel alone, misunderstood or unloved? What did we put up with and where did we wall ourselves off from being vulnerable to this same pain again? When we’re walled off, we’re emotionally unavailable too. If that’s the case, then of course it isn’t the person we point the finger at as commitment-phobic or damaged beyond belief. It’s the one pointing the finger.

We attract where we are with ourselves.

Most of us who are on the ladder to success–Type A and going after what we want–aren‚Äôt even aware of the underlying drive to prove ourselves that can skew us to be cut-off emotionally in our relationships‚Ķ until‚Ķ

We meet the person who wakes us up, even if it is waking up to a cup of cold water on the fantasy we have about our willingness to be vulnerable.

As long as we stay invulnerable or cut off from our truth, we will not move forth, grow or be happy.

Once we decide that our current lot in life is no longer an option, we can commit to ourselves and transforming the beliefs we have, which kept us stuck in these half relationships.

 

People pleasing is the opposite of real love

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People pleasing is a strategy; it’s not love.

Love is genuine; people pleasing is manipulation.

I was having lunch with a friend the other day and she told me, while rolling her eyes, how much she hated sex with her boyfriend.

In fact, they didn’t really have much sex, and hadn’t for years.

Instead of telling him, she told me how much she despised¬†and¬†disrespected him for his withholding.¬†She ‘pretended’ this was enough when with him. As I munched on my sandwich, she delved into¬†her adventures with a much younger guy who she felt in control of, emotionally and¬†sexually, while creating an image that wasn’t true either.

People pleasing is a form of control:

“You’ll like me or love me if I do this for you.”

“I need to feel okay, so I will give in and do what you¬†want, even though I resent you.”

“If I take this action, you¬†will owe me and you¬†won’t return the favor, but I’ll keep score of the points and use it against you¬†someday (or wait for the day you wake up!).”

“I expect the same in return.”

“I’m doing this so you’ll think I’m nice and when I ask you to do something distasteful, you’ll feel obligated to do so.”

“I have to do it. If I don’t, who else will?”

“I must sacrifice, otherwise I can’t make up for my childhood… or I’ll be thought of as selfish or a jerk.”

Any of these phrases sound familiar?

Like my friend, some of us do it to be liked, to get along to go along, to score points or because we feel obligated. It’s a way of trying to get validation in some capacity.

Most of us aren’t even aware we are doing it!!

It’s¬†tiring to be dishonest with our intentions. We blame someone or something else for how we feel and for why we’re stuck as the ‘pleaser on steroids.’

We’re trying to control, but there is no love in control;¬†it’s a false perception. We can never command¬†the feelings¬†of others like we¬†think we do.¬†If we really saw ourselves through the eyes of others, we would have a mixed bag… and then what would we do? Be a chameleon?

Ever felt like a fake or phony? Try to masquerade as a perfect example to others? How disconnected do you actually feel from who you truly are when you do? How insecure?

Believing we control others¬†through¬†an image (true or not) that we feel is acceptable can be a lifelong pursuit.¬†It’s¬†a prison of limitation, by living into this ‘image’ and not being true to ourselves; often we don’t know how we really feel because we’re afraid to go there.

People pleasing is a form of lying. It doesn’t make us happy. It’s a huge¬†effort with¬†no pay off… leaving us to feel frustration, resentment and non-fulfillment.

Real love requires authenticity. We have to connect to ourselves and do what we genuinely feel. Our relationships will definitely change, some for the better and some will become nonexistent.

Many of us lack a sense of self if we separate from the validation of others. It’s scary and it feels out of control! Digging into our feelings, we’ll find some pretty jacked up beliefs we have of ourselves and this world. This is where the journey begins.

Moving from fear to real love

In embodying real love we come to find true connection, trust in ourselves and life to give us what we need. It ceases to be a dance of control. Real love experienced through self-acceptance creates the foundation for it to show up with others.

Real love requires awareness and connection.

The next time you take an action or say words causing a physical reaction, STOP! Break through the autopilot pattern and ask why you’re going against yourself?

Get honest.

What do you really want to do? How do you really feel?

Get bold.

State it out loud.¬†It may come out wonky or abrupt, but do this often and you’ll get into your deeper truth. Again, your REAL truth is about YOU–your beliefs, your patterns and connecting to the love within. It has nothing to do with the other person.

For more on this topic, please join me¬†for my¬†weekly radio show:¬†People Pleasing and Why You’ll Never Win!

 

The Choices We Make

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My year of reinvention continues, how about you? 

Recently, I met with a woman who helped me with a few things regarding my subconscious beliefs. She told me that my relationships would be affected. People coming; people going.

It’s been wild to watch!

Before I met with her, I already made different choices in my relationships.

This just accelerated things.¬†As I continued to magnetize¬†individuals sharing¬†a similar perspective of reality,¬†while accepting myself (finally) and understanding, we’re all f*cked up…other people disappeared!

I decided to choose love even while letting go.

It’s been rough.¬†

I’ve lost a relationship that was of value to me. A lot of love, amazing memories, and at one point we were kindred spirits, but alas, too many misunderstandings, judgment and change had taken place. It’s a funky place to be, when you can see the deeper picture of how it took two to get there. We either go thru thick n’ thin communicating honestly or crap expands (including others)¬†pushing us apart.

On the other hand many who disappeared,¬†were not ‘authentic’ and frankly we never were truly¬†friends. As¬†I felt a sense of relief… I asked myself, how did I get here.

Junior high school?

Funny, right?

We all have our jr.¬†high story, don’t we?

Not only were parts of it happening again, BUT my issue of belonging and how I go about valuing myself really started back then!

At the time, I was cast out of my group without any interest in my truth–as only a 13 year old could be a victim, but who knows this at 13?

From that point forth, I felt inadequate in most relationships, waiting for the other shoe to drop–to be found out and told I sucked. I left a lot of relationships up to the other person to choose me; to tell me I was okay or not. I never really felt worthy; I’d always feel something was wrong with me and thank God they’re willing to overlook it!

It wasn’t til I started choosing me, accepting me (warts and all), being kinder, gentler and happier with me LOVING MYSELF….in other words taking off my¬†mask and being who I really am, that something profoundly¬†shifted.

It’s been hard at times, but¬†I had no choice…I had to choose me. (If I tried to suck it up and fit my square peg self into a round hole–I’d experience a weird anxiety–I couldn’t pretend)¬†I took responsibility where I saw my part, but stopped worrying¬†how others perceived me.

This was the most AMAZING discovery…..I finally¬†realized¬†I¬†value myself¬†not based¬†on¬†the opinions or assumptions of others, NOPE…I value me, based¬†on¬†me.

And it leads me to how choosing OURSELVES (not as victims), but in loving what is….we can choose the others in our lives, with love too.

Someone recently sent me Choose Her Everyday or Leave Her…wanting me to talk about it on my radio show. In a perfect world it’s great to put the onus of responsibility on one person. We can all be destructive, but you have to catch yourself and at least know why….so if you have relationships, whether intimate or not….who (or what) do you choose?

From the article:

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior.

In any relationship, we do this when we want to victimize ourselves and hold someone else responsible: place blame. The focus for this man was not on himself, it was on his partner and her negative aspects (not as a whole person).

By focusing on what you¬†cannot control (another person), and ignoring what is going on within yourself–you remain unfulfilled–wanting–needing–and usually angry.

My personal journey is to remain connected, choosing myself, so I can be authentic and love others from that place, whether they are in my life or not.

Why?

Because it feels good! Isn’t that the point of life….to feel good?

What about you? Where will you focus?

The Breadcrumb Relationship

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Have you ever taken breadcrumbs and tried to make a piece of bread?

I have, perhaps not literally, but those little pieces of bread would just crumble in my fingers while gluing them together, making it messy, sticky, and giving me crouton hands.

I,¬†literally¬†spent years¬†trying to put breadcrumbs together everywhere in my life, give me a little and I would¬†make it seem bigger, better and more amazing than it really was…at least in my mind.

You see, I didn’t know any better….I thought everyone did it, especially in relationships. Weren’t they supposed to be a struggle? Wasn’t it where one partner gave more than the other? Sort of a victim/martyr situation?

And let me also throw in the low self-esteem I had as an extra set of luggage since childhood. No one, not a single person could make a difference in how I saw myself and therefore, because I also had a blind eye toward me; I had breadcrumb everything!

Why do some allow themselves to accept so little and make it seem as though it’s fulfilling? You may¬†do this by saying:

  • I don’t need so much, why would I want to see him or her more than once a week? I don’t want to be connected at the hip.
  • A long-distance relationship? Sign me up!
  • Married or in a relationship? Sounds like I can have my own life too.
  • Struggle and drama, doesn’t everyone have it? At least I know they care.
  • Tells me he or she has never felt this way before, but has to leave me? I will never get over him or her–they will come back.
  • I hear what he or she says, it sounds like a promising future? It doesn’t matter that there’s no action, just listen to those magical words.

And so on.

Anything sound familiar?

If so, welcome to the breadcrumb relationship! You’re on board this sinking ship, while telling yourself this is enough, it’s okay….and the fact that you’re wearing a life-vest is no big deal.

It’s painful, your insides resemble spaghetti–anxiety, stress, over-giving, not receiving, fear, and so on,¬†it’s torture!¬†If you share any relationship details and your friends or family cringe or look at you, like they want to save you….then you know you’re in the grips of hell.

Some of you may think this is your person, your soulmate. There are many wonderful things to connect over, but the relationship (if it exists) itself and how it operates, is one big dysfunction!

If your daily mantra, includes painfully talking yourself¬†into staying put, because you¬†can’t let go, or if instead, you¬†cut it off, only to be emotionally tied up in knots over him or her still, you¬†have to look within.

It’s not the other person.

It’s your thoughts and feelings about what you truly deserve based on what you’ve gotten so far!

If you were raised without emotional intimacy from your parents, you will be seeking it and repelling it, until you wake up to yourself.

If you were treated poorly as a child; your self-esteem stomped on by not having your voice heard, criticized with no positive reinforcement, your feelings not accepted, or experienced no¬†support for who you were and your endeavors, then you don’t know your value or worth as an adult, until you treat yourself as someone worthy.

All of us yearn for connection, to belong, it’s physiology. Anything else we tell ourselves is meant to protect us from disappointment and because we don’t believe we can have what we really want; we weren’t created to be alone.

What can you do if you’re in a breadcrumb relationship?

  1. Get honest with yourself.
  2. Re-connect to your emotions, about you. Feel your feelings, don’t make it about anyone else.
  3. Look at how you de-value your own existence, start taking care of yourself.
  4. Set standards for what you want and the boundaries necessary to uphold them.
  5. Understand that numbers 1-4 are about you, this isn’t about what other people do or say, it’s about what you will allow for you.

 

The Reward Is Shame In Our Relationships?

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In our work hard, get a reward later society, many of us bring that to our relationships too.

Especially, those who were raised by emotionally unavailable people.

We think we have to do so much, to get so little. Waiting for pleasure, even saying¬†no to pleasure; we don’t feel we deserve it. There’s often shame where pleasure could take hold.

“I must do more, be more, have more, succeed more and so on.”

This mantra is mainly¬†subconscious, but sometimes it’s conscious. It’s what directs us in our next step. Do we go about it the hard way, like we always do, so we ensure¬†feeling a degree of shame until we accomplish the ‘ideal’ relationship, or life?

We hear the voices of others in our heads telling us what we deserve based on their perception; it says nothing to what we really desire.

A mountain to climb, a valley to dig ourselves out of, choosing people who will force us (just by the dance they do unconsciously too) into the state of mind we say we don’t want, which in turn affects the choices we make, in what we think limits us, as we wait for the reward of being good. Perfect.

Pointing the finger, accusing the other person, or blaming circumstances keeps us stuck.

Losing ourselves in rules guaranteed for us to not receive, we become the martyr (to give our undeserving selves or shame a label). Martyrdom gives us illusive control in a relationship. It keeps us defeated, and working against our pleasure, rather than embracing it.

We picture the¬†reward dangled in front of us,¬†we chase it,¬†trying to extract pleasure from pain, and it’s never the grand payoff; it lacks fulfillment.

Isn’t fulfillment the key to feeling good? Happy?

The sacrifice of self for any reward outside of us isn’t pleasure… it’s pain,¬†filling us with misdirected anger.

Waiting for pleasure from someone else and not giving to ourselves is a sacrifice; we feel shame, because in our minds, we’re not good enough; as we twist and turn to get what we want, but never do.

We have to believe that we deserve pleasure and give it to ourselves. This is so foreign to some of us, but in essence we’re starving¬†and it’s¬†human to want more.

Giving to other people doesn’t mean they give back. We don’t teach people how to treat us,¬†when our¬†underlying current is “you’re disappointing me, unless you give what¬†I want.”

Teaching people how to treat us is not based on telling them or how we treat them,¬†it’s to give to ourselves first and revel in our own pleasure.

Shame has no place in bringing us what we want for ourselves. Ever. Especially in relationships.

I remember feeling shame¬†when told, that perhaps,¬†when my life or my business or my job or whatever it was at the time, became¬†successful, then I’d be¬†rewarded with what I desired.

Hearing¬†this, I felt not good enough, but at the time….I’d no discernment and believed¬†I was being punished.

I didn’t realize I could do something to change it.

Shame doesn’t need to be a part of how we feel in our relationships (or lack of one). There’s no reward at the end of the journey, it’s being present for the daily journey, allowing¬†pleasure that’s always available.

How do we toss shame out and allow pleasure in and out of our relationships?

1. Recognize every moment that shame threatens to take over, remember: it serves no purpose, except to make you feel invisible or unworthy of what you really want.

2. If your mate criticizes, or uses language meant to demean you…ask yourself what is true about what they’re saying, then accept whatever kernel it is and LOVE it. Discard the rest.

3. Open your eyes, take the focus off what you usually see and bring in your surroundings…smiling is that simple. Good is present at all times, get used to¬†seeing¬†it.

4. Connect with other people who support you, no matter what you don’t possess.

5. Mistakes are inevitable, shame will keep you repeating the same one, because you’ll be too afraid to step out and risk…so remember: when each time it¬†happens,¬†purposely¬†continue to choose what you really want.

6. Relax when you start to feel uptight by actually looking at…is the problem imaginary, or happening right now….and if it is not, learn to release it.

Women As Alpha Males?

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“I just step on whatever gets¬†in my way.”

“I’m tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want, if that makes me a bitch, okay!”

“I’m in control!¬†I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man!”

“The more people you love, the weaker you are.”

Just a few random quotes I picked up from women, about women to women (and men).

My question is….

Does living that way, actually bring a sense of happiness, joy, peace and love inside of these women?

Hmmmm….?

Yeah, I remember when I thought strength was being tough, bitchy, and showing the world who was boss. How did I feel at the time? Anxiety-ridden, stressed, depressed, devaluing my value, always working on some imperfection, LONELY, never felt like I was actually in my body…more like I was trying to prove something to someone…..maybe to myself?

The image of strength in our society keeps many women from really discovering who they truly are and what they really want. Our conditioning, whatever circumstances, existed as a child, which told us we needed to shut down, shut out, or create battle lines where, what we carried forth as beliefs about this world and our place in it seemed to be rule in our minds.

Many of us women subconsciously picked up cues as children, which impacted how safe we felt in the world emotionally.

Some of us felt we were all alone on this journey, so we packed our bags and made a pact to DO, GET, FORCE, MAKE, RUN AFTER, DRAG and so on, to build a life that might look good on the surface, but didn’t feel too hot underneath.

True strength is not a teflon coating. Nor is it the ability to put someone down, in their place or appear superior through bitchy behavior. True strength is tougher than that for most of us to live in all the time.

Why?

True strength is our vulnerability; our authenticity.

False strength is showing others that we’re impenetrable; tougher than men! Hell, so tough, we don’t need any help!

But we do.

And if we’re really honest, we don’t feel too great when we’re stepping on others, or pushing them aside to ‘get’ what we want–even if what we want is love.

Many of us learned that passivity brought no results, and frankly, that’s a dead state. When we’re passive we’re lacking confidence. But, when we’re relaxed, authentic, trusting and creative, we’re on fire—confident, connected and happy!

So what’s the deal with women who have donned the clothing of an Alpha Male?

For many it was a way to survive, to turn hurt and anger into motivation, to live according to the standards in society that are set for male accomplishment.

Is it to say we cannot enjoy the same accomplishments as men? Hell no. We can ENJOY all of our accomplishments, but when we go about ‘getting there’ as men do, are we actually enjoying it?

To me its about the inner journey, it’s not about what we show to others, being¬†someone who doesn’t take any shit, or that we go after what we want; it’s about how we feel inside and the results we create when we’re disconnected from our truth.

We will attract to our lives energetically that, which is subconsciously under the surface. For many women who are alpha males, the kind of men that come close, are ones¬†who aren’t sure of who they are either.

Make sense?

When as women, we’ve adopted a way of strategizing through our lives and sticking our emotions in our back pocket, we’re aren’t connected to what is authentic. And so how can we expect who we attract to be any different?

Now this isn’t about self-improvement or changing the men in our lives.

It’s about finding our deeper truth, our real pleasure and trusting that the creativity, passion and untamed flow of life can be a choice to live from rather than one based on a model of strength, which doesn’t belong to us.

Being closed off to our truth will never bring us closer to a happy journey or destination. How do we start to break free from this tamed position, where we’ve domesticated ourselves into believing it’s a man’s world, so we have to be men?

The first step is to connect to our emotions. How do we actually feel when we’re being bitchy? When we’re going after something, because we think it won’t come to us? Or we’re attached to someone who won’t give us what we want and we’re trying to force it anyway?

If that all feels good to you, then you’re not who this post is for, but if this at all feels crappy, heavy, provokes anxiety, fear or inflates your ego (not your confidence) then start somewhere….start to find the true essence, the untamed real female inside of you. She is there. I promise.

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If you are interested in gaining more insight, please visit my home page and click on either the button for women or men, read through the pages provided for a deeper understanding of what it is I am talking about here.

 

Having More Faith in Possibilities Then Failure?

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As we get older, we can line up all our past experiences in our life with money, love, career and anything else we’ve given meaning to and believe certain truths about ourselves.

For some of us, we can look beyond the disappointments and keep doubts, insecurities and negative thinking at bay…and for others of us, we feel incapable of having what we want, our worlds have just been getting smaller and smaller.

In creating¬†a small world, there are benefits! We get to stay stuck, give up, run away, avoid change, find evidence that we shouldn’t risk and blame everything else for our being in this void.

We create a small world where everything seems under our control, except our happiness. We find a certain comfort zone of feeling and we decide that’s enough, wanting more will put us at risk. Our minds will help us to stay right here too.

At the same time, the yearning for more NEVER disappears.

If we ignore it by finding behaviors that numb us out, or distract us from living into our dreams, their efficacy will lose its ability after awhile. Then what will we do?

Being angry at what we feel we’re owed means we could be waiting for years for outside proof that its safe to proceed, “that now is the time.”¬†

Staying stuck is comfortable, it’s familiar.¬†And the only change, which comes from being there is usually a worsening of circumstances. The status quo dips, because as human beings we’re not born to play it safe–because there’s no such thing. What we say ‘no’ to today in terms of risk toward what WE WANT, will haunt us in many tomorrows to come.

Those who keep risking pay attention to that other voice within them, the one who is willing to get up, dust itself off and move toward that dream today. It doesn’t wait for a sign or the moment, it goes for it, because waiting just means more time passes where we could be living large!

The bolder individuals¬†who don’t let their past failures dictate their future, understand discomfort is part of the process.

What do they do?

  • Rejection and obstacles are temporary and not meant to be taken personally.
  • They stay open and vulnerable when its risky, they know its their true strength.
  • Expand¬†their small world for their bigger dreams
  • Become more responsible for their lives, not blaming any circumstances outside of them for where they are now.
  • Have passion and excitement for their dream.
  • They spend time visualizing the goal (not the how), but the results they want–they see it, hear it and feel it! Even when they’re reality doesn’t reflect anything that shows what they want it to be.

Having faith in possibilities takes courage, while faith in failure is easy.

When we claim our value and know we deserve to live OUR dreams, we can face challenges, disappointments and doors closing, because we have the faith to know that our perseverance will pay off. Dropping the weight of the past, gives us freedom to have faith in the opportunity for a kickass life!

 

 

Pleasure While Breaking Up

Most of us fear break ups. We’ll do almost anything we can to avoid them, *oh the pain* until we grasp¬†our¬†emotional resilience to handle it.

Many of us stay in half-baked relationships.

Selling ourselves on¬†‘its good enough,’ numbing out,¬†not getting our needs met or saying ‘yes’ to things, which make us feel horrible about ourselves, what do we actually think is going to change here?

We’ll¬†wake up one day and magically everything will work to our liking?

We need to change, IF we ever want to experience the best in life. This involves risk and knowing something else suits us better. Stepping away from filling our time with worry, hope, and desperation, instead we move into pleasure.

By changing, we don’t¬†transform into¬†someone else!¬†We become who we truly are, dropping the excuses, dismissing the chatter of others’ voices and begin LOVING ourselves.

Exiting a relationship with pleasure translates into bringing more pleasure into our lives.

Let’s take my client Anna¬†who was having a relationship with a guy she thought was fabulous!

When they met, they bonded among other things, over their similar loneliness. I told her it wasn’t the best place to start,¬†as I listened, it was quite clear; he was a victim. Everything was always someone else’s responsibility, even his own actions.

He was not at cause for anything happening in his life.

For awhile, Anna didn’t notice this so much (even when I pointed it out), because he was busy rescuing her. As long as being a rescuer/victim¬†worked for them both, there wasn’t a problem. As many who know the drama triangle, it requires three positions…victim, rescuer and persecutor,¬†¬†living our relationships on that triangle, we switch positions, unconsciously.

About a year into it, Anna noticed him slipping away.

He made excuses, saying it wasn’t her, it was the overwhelm of everything in his life.

There were excuses,¬†as though she caused¬†his overwhelm. Everything he volunteered to rescue, became a burden… he got¬†angry, seeing¬†her as needy and incapable of making appropriate decisions in her own life……though, her perceived helplessness only existed in his mind.

At one point, he was very demeaning to her, even though she was extremely upset, she was done.

He never took responsibility for his choice¬†in his treatment of her. He saw her causing him to be derogatory toward her. She, however, saw the trajectory and knew if it happened once, it’ll happen again.

In his eyes, she became the persecutor and he was the victim, waiting for her to rescue him by taking full responsibility for how she caused him to be angry with her.

Anna could observe the situation without feeling victimized. She felt strong and¬†more in love with herself. Even though she was sad at the prospect of ending the relationship, she knew she didn’t deserve it. She knew she deserved pleasure….and lots of it!

As she started to take one tiny step at a time, she took back her power. Meaning, she said ‘yes’ when she meant it and ‘no’ when she meant it too. She engaged in a manner, which respected them both.¬†She¬†allowed herself to flip flop a bit, so she could emotionally let go without overwhelming anxiety, and make sure she learned her WHY. Her desire was clarity about her part. Her bigger desire was to end¬†this in a loving, kind and respectful manner without anger.

Pleasure became of the utmost importance. She gave¬†to herself more and more. Fun wasn’t to escape the situation, it was something she could fully jump into and exploit the pleasure of pleasing herself.

No more¬†suffering, or punishing herself or depression. It was an opportunity to empower herself and OWN¬†her choices. The more she fed pleasure to herself, the more she glowed, even in sad moments….she realized she was going to move onto bigger and better things.

The act¬†of fun, pleasure and empowerment made her realize all that was previously impossible, was becoming possible. As she let go of holding onto to what didn’t serve her¬†emotionally, her world expanded.

Choice is always available when it comes to a perspective of our lives.

We can convince ourselves we must stay here and suffer, that someday pleasure can shine in our lives…..but, it never comes, until we decide no matter what’s going on to GIVE TO OURSELVES what we desire.

The exact¬†measure of our¬†resistance to pleasure is the exact amount¬†of the gain. When we resist ending a relationship or feel it must go down in flames to exit, it‚Äôs quite obvious¬†that in equal part pleasure¬†awaits us¬†when we finally say ‚Äėyes‚Äô to ourselves.

 

Want Real Love? Get Out of Your Own Way.

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All of our issues begin and end with ourselves.

Many of us want to place our entire focus on the other person, what they do right or wrong. Whether it’s a first date or a long term relationship, we believe if the other person would just stop or start to do something, all problems will be solved.

It reminds me of every time a new law is made, people think they have solved all the issues, but new ones crop up, almost immediately.

Love has absolutely nothing to do with someone acting in accordance with our idea of who they should be.

The human condition is not consistent. Life is inconsistent, so when looking outside of oneself for the responsibility in how things are we become powerless.

If we want real love, it’s been said several times, we must be love. Hard to do 24/7, but if we can practice it just a bit, we will create different relationship dynamics.

If we enter a relationship lacking self-awareness, thinking it’s the outside world, or the person rescuing us as¬†our prince or princess charming, then eventually….we’ll blame them for all that doesn’t work. We may even delude ourselves into thinking all is okay when our communication with the other is not truthful.

Keeping up a pretense is never the road to love.

If we come out of a relationship blaming the other person for their ineptitude in some capacity, for its downfall, we need to take a deep look within and ask where we did NOT speak our truth, ACT in our truth or made CHOICES against our truth. If we do not do this, we will bring the past forward and have more relationships lacking love.

If we don’t have boundaries, which respect us first….our mate will not respect us.

Expectations, in which someone must ¬†fulfill¬†us will lead to disappointment. No one can reach inside of us and heal our pain. Only we can and it’s our perception, which keeps us there. Love doesn’t mean fixing someone else; it’s impossible.

If we’re treated in a way we don’t like, it’s our responsibility¬†if we choose to remain in that ‘position’……

Meaning….

By taking no action or staying silent (waiting for someone¬†to get it or playing the martyr–so there’s¬†ammunition to¬†beat him or her¬†up with) then where’s the love?”¬†It’s a game of victimhood.

In speaking our truth about how we wish to be treated (this is NOT a demand), we MUST treat ourselves in this respectful manner.

Let’s say¬†our mate is always late, do we derive some pleasure out of it, because we know we can use it against them or guilt them into acting a certain way toward us? While also stewing on the frustration of waiting or the anger/hurt of feeling our time not valued? All of this is about ourselves THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.

We aren’t respecting or taking care of ourselves by playing¬†victim, love is nowhere in sight and inevitably when we play victim/martyr, they will further disrespect us.

Some may argue to take any action means we’re trying to teach this person a lesson. Not true.

In¬†speaking our truth, about him/her being late,¬†while¬†setting clear boundaries, “I will only wait 15 minutes, because I have to take care of myself and I don’t want to be angry,” and following those spoken words with action…we may feel odd at first–perhaps guilty, but we’ll end up feeling good, because we got out of our way,¬†regardless of what the other person chooses to do. When our actions don’t¬†punish the other person, because our happiness is the focus (not them), it will eventually lead to a choice point.

The choice point means, if¬†the treatment we receive isn’t to our liking and we’re taking care of ourselves, we decide if we want to remain. This is not a reaction or a lesson to the other person, it’s deciding we want to have someone treat us, as well as we treat ourselves.

We cannot coerce someone to do our bidding, nor can any guilt trip continuously control the other person. They’ll fall off the wagon, if they’re just pleasing us to stop our complaining, or keep us around…..and then we’re stuck in the vicious cycle.

It’s always about ourselves, our happiness is our concern….and if we’re paying attention to self-love by setting boundaries, being clear about our actions and words, so they match our truth, then we’ll find our focus is not on changing the other person to suit us. It’s about loving ourselves and them, rather than manipulation and anger, whether we remain or go. And with that¬†love, we¬†make better choices.