If You Really Love Someone, You’ll Never Stop Surrendering To Make It Work.

freeyourself-600x250Love is a feeling and an action, it is not an anxiety-provoking drama. Before we share it, the commitment is to oneself first and foremost. Only then can we enter into an intimate relationship from a healthy, loving space.

All relationships are distinctly different, but often we compare them to one another. And instead of this bringing us closer, it provokes emotional distance. Judgment. Comparing each relationship can bring out our inner scarcity though and even though we’re emotionally distant, it makes us physically hold on tighter. What if there is no one else?

Comparison is the biggest block to love and keeps us stuck in struggle.

Just as no relationship is alike, neither is the way we act in any relationship. So why do we look at others and think they have some magical potion that we seem unable to conjure up in our own life?

We don’t see the love in ourselves that is already there. We believe it is only outside of us based on how someone else sees us, so when we meet someone, we wonder how this person will feel about us. Our focus in on them and not ourselves.

The older we get, the more experiences we have, even if we recognize it — we may deny an attraction or possibility comparing him or her to someone else. And yet, begrudgingly, or tripping over ourselves, we do it once again, as though some force is pulling us into it, as we fight against it.

Will it be a struggle, painful and soul-crushing, or will it be different this time?

As we move forward and find ourselves in love with another human being, it brings up all kinds of resistance. If we trusted ourselves to handle possible pain or disappointment, all we’d have to know is this: If you really love someone, you’ll never stop surrendering to make it work.

It’s not about comparing the relationship to others, or fighting for it; that indicates the relationship needs rescuing. It’s also not about a willingness to suffer, because that choice is there whether we are in a relationship or not.

The only love worth having is the one worth surrendering for. Anything short of that will be a struggle: right versus wrong, winner vs. loser.

If you aren’t willing to surrender, then you don’t want it enough. And if you think other happy, healthy relationships are not based in love and surrender, then you’re comparing it to a picture that only exists in your head.

If you’re in a relationship for a reason other than love, or if you forgot that love is the reason you’re there, surrendering will be a whole new experience.

It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about love specifically or life in general. If you aren’t willing to surrender to a deeper knowing, then your ego is running the show. You have to be willing to look a fool (it’s just your pride shaming you), and go out of your way to get real with your feelings. Otherwise, you just don’t want it enough.

Here’s the quandary: you may desire it, want it and believe you’re committed to love and your relationship, but many do not know how to commit to love. We know how to commit to winning, to having it our way, and not feeling the deeper emotionally intimate connection love has to offer. In fact, you may even feel you don’t deserve it.

On the one hand you say you want it, but your subconscious sabotages that closeness, that innate craving, and you scratch your head wondering why you’re always in struggle. The truth is you don’t believe you can have what you want without a state of struggle. You think there needs to be a winner and a loser.

And you may compare it to easier moments in past relationships, or to relationships with strangers, to make your position more solid. But this just works against you.

The attachment to the mind rather than the heart destroys relationships. It is when we our core false beliefs based off past experiences run the show; many of us believe we must force our will to be loved, taken care of and truly connected, instead of surrendering to love.

The question becomes: Do you love yourself and the other person enough to step out of your comfort zone and into surrender? If you never surrender to the purpose of the relationship (love), you remain in resistance, repeating your struggle again and again.

Want personal growth, connection and excitement? Surrender. Oh, and don’t confuse that with becoming a doormat. Not the same thing at all.

It can sound scary, but when I speak to clients about what they want deep within, it’s love. If all your actions in a relationship are toward winning, then love is buried.

Love makes the relationship feel like less work because many problems fall away. When you’re not resisting your partner, but instead remembering your love for yourself and for them, it changes how you show up. You feel better and it’s reflected in the actions you choose. Plus you stop comparing yourself to others.

It’s about finding love within and surrendering to that desire, believing we aren’t going to lose ourselves if we back off our position. It’s knowing we can trust ourselves to be connected yet not engulfed.

Now, here’s the part that most people overlook entirely: When you find yourself in an intense struggle, ask “What would love do?” You will feel the tension release and the answer will come independent of the reaction of the other person.

Often we forget the reason we came together in the first place. And when we’ve loved and lost in the past, we may have buried our ability to let love lead.

We may not have had the best role models for love growing up, but we can unlearn those earlier lessons and teach ourselves to live in a state of surrender because it gives us what we crave most… meaning.

Giving meaning to resistance and looking tough, like you won’t take shit from anyone, makes it impossible to feel love. Then we wonder why we feel disconnected, depressed, and lonely.

Ever feel lost or unsure of who you are and the direction to take? In surrendering to the love within, it can guide you in the direction of meaning, connection and fulfillment. But first you have to trust you can do it.

When you take action from a place of love, it grows your trust and your connection with your deeper desires, making that voice in your head less dominant.

Every person deserves to love themselves so much that he or she is willing to surrender to that true desire: a committed, emotionally intimate relationship with another person.

Anytime there’s a winner and loser, no one is happy. So why do we think this formula makes for a healthy relationship? No loser I’ve seen wants to remain that way. They will be resentful, plotting their way to win, even if it’s done in secrecy.

Let yourself surrender… now. Even if the relationship you are in ultimately fails, you want to continue surrendering, because love is within each of us. And when it doesn’t work with another person, we’re still left with the love we’re connected to within us.

There’s nothing to win or lose, only to gain what you’ve been wanting your entire life… love.

Chick finds peace in her pajama bottoms

Catchy title, huh? Well, you can find peace in all sorts of places. Pajama bottoms? Quite possibly.

There is a mechanism that kicks into gear when we stop the battle. It goes into full board operation when we stop our inner struggle. The action that takes place starts when we yield; we call a truce and accept.

The knack for defining a truce and allowing acceptance for your life “as is” right now is a tremendous gift.

The truce may be moment to moment.

In those spacious moments, when we are not clinging to hope or strategizing how to remove the bazillion objects standing in the way of what we think we want; a new opening starts to unfold. It could be a stepping-stone to a new passageway. Maybe its a feeling of space, relaxing and having faith that all will be as it is meant toward a happy outcome.

Amazing things happen when we realize that the way we may create pressure, emphatically trying to tell or convince someone of what we want from them or how we are right, is at a cost to our well being and we end up sacrificing who we are to have what we think we want.

I find when I am in a battle with myself over what is currently going on in my life, I take “inside action.”

I close my eyes and sort of melt into the feeling of the struggle, my battle. Asking myself, what is really going on here? Once I am clear, I make a plea or a prayer to my higher power. Usually along the lines of giving the issue up, as in NOT being attached to what the outcome is, but arriving at a place of inner peace and clarity.

My goal is NOT to win with my will, because those achievements are never fulfilling to me. The goal is to achieve peace, joy and acceptance of what is NOW, because harmony is only created from within no matter what is going on outside of us.

Now,this process is easier said than done.

Sometimes it may take days or weeks for me to get to the point of surrendering my internal battle.I get stuck in the emotions and wanting something to change outside of me and the more it doesn’t the more frustrated I may grow, until I get to the point of wanting surrender.

I also circumvent the amount of time I find myself in this unforgiving space by keeping an awareness of my thoughts, so I avoid going into a full-blown battle. If I am paying attention to my inner chatter, I usually see the triggers happening that lead me on my downward spiral.

And if I can sit with the triggers and ask if this “chatter” is true, I usually find it is not and can then carry on with not having a battlefield within.

My usual process is to identify what it is I really want and what I am not getting.

Then I give up hope of getting my way. Hope can be a nasty deterrent from inner peace. It basically keeps you from living your life in the present. A goal and hope don’t have to be buddies. You can be focused on a goal, but hope leads you astray—it is a form of “waiting”.  There is never anything that you hope for which comes to you that stops that vicious cycle of waiting for the next thing you are hoping for in your life. You live in hoping and waiting…. there is no “action” in either of those words.

So, once hope has been taken out of the frame, I am free to pray. And remind myself there is only “love or fear” and inner peace and harmony are grown from love. After praying for being shown the road “kindly” to peace and harmony, I let go. I let go of what I think the outcome should be as the “be all, end all.” And I feel a release, a relaxation with all that is…I accept the very moment by surrendering to what is and knowing that what I need guidance with will be taken care of in a different way than I can imagine.

That leads me to what I do after getting clear, praying, letting go and surrendering… 

I look and listen. I listen for the guidance that goes with my gut, even if it is a surprise or not how I thought things should play out…I listen for the words and I look for the signs. When you ask for answers, you receive them. It is to be open and not attached to your outcome that you achieve peace and harmony.

We participate, we don’t force. We love, and recognize our fears. We take different or “right” action with “right” view (a nod to the 8 fold path) rather than the SAME action, which keeps us stuck in our inner battlefield. 

All we control is our inner playground, why not make it a fun and joyous place rather than a wasteland of discarded dreams, failures that you kick yourself over, dysfunctional relationships, or anything else which makes life seem like slugging it through the swamps.

Remember the key: Become clear on what exactly you are feeling in struggle, anger or dissatisfaction.  Follow it with praying/asking/intending, letting go, surrender and opening to seeing and hearing what guidance is available to you in achieving that inner harmony and getting to your goals without your bayonet.

Love, Surrender, Let go

Unconditional Love, Surrender and Letting go; funny words. Twenty years ago I would have said it implies doormat.

Nowadays, I see it as the formula to giving up a losing battle.

We battle and fight things in the outer world and our OWN internal landscape much of the time. What is it we hope to win?  Happiness? Money? To be right or vindicated? To get our way? There is a fairly long collection of items on the list of “If “fill in the blank” was just the way I wanted it, then I would be happy.”

Internal battles are the best; we want things to be different. Whether it is a situation, another person or ourselves—what we’re saying is… currently the state of affairs is not acceptable. WHY??? There is no magic pill to a perfectly stupendous world, especially when outside circumstances are what rules our lives.

The quickest way to peace—accept it all, just as it is. Really, just offer a little unconditional love aka unconditional acceptance and watch miracles happen.

Sure you can go to war and take another’s land, become the new leader of that territory. Now what? More battles to maintain and attain more…and when does it end? What’s the goal? Is there happiness or is it a false sense of superiority or security?

Surrender on the other hand is to let go.

Its to walk away from the battle or lay down your arms at the battle line and stick around. Surrender makes it possible to not suffer, in fact its the opposite; it is freedom. It allows you the opportunity to become unburdened with how you had to have things culminate into a predestined outcome and instead, you get to BE free to let things be just as they are, right now.  Whew, glad to give that 1000 lb backpack up and hang out! How exciting to just see what “miracles” happen when you let nature take its course, instead of forcing the river or your partner, or YOURSELF.

I have learned this over and over.

More recently, among other things… I’ve learned about unconditional love. There is no ego in “love”. It is to surrender to no battle lines. It is to accept another as is, to allow them to be the fullest expression of who they are—it is a gift. Conserve your energy, don’t exhaust yourself fighting a losing battle to get your way or change another’s mind. Throw up the white flag. Ask yourself if you want love or to be right? Love is connection; being right is usually disconnection.

Let go of holding onto someone, an idea or anything which feels like grasping, manipulating, or any other form of ego control—there is no control, it is an illusion. Your only control is your actions and reactions; how you choose to “be” in any given moment. So…why not keep choosing happiness? Or love?

Surrender to love. What is really important? Self-righteous indignation, because you didn’t get your way? Or realizing, someone doesn’t have to give into your demands to make you happy; instead you can make “you” happy. It is really the only way to sustain happiness. And it keeps love alive, respecting where another being is at in that moment; alleviating them of the responsibility of your happiness…it gives freedom. And feeling free means you get to choose…and I know when I get the freedom to make my own choices unencumbered by guilt or pressure…I usually make a choice that is inclusive, rather than divisive.

The majority of people are not trying to harm each other in relationship. Most of us make choices we think will allow us to be happy or feel good and other times we make decisions, which continue to create misery. If you bring awareness to your choices and ask if it is your head or heart, which are making the choice…you get to be in control of you, because every heart decision is a choice for happiness….and allowing, accepting and going with the flow of love.

We can choose love and just “be”. It allows us to be supportive. And let go of our own pain, the pain that we believe things need to be different.  Sometimes it is about accepting and surrendering to knowing the best things in life don’t come through force, they come through being open and accepting. So throw down your shield, armor and club….and just “be” with what is…..and watch what takes hold, you will be surprised, I guarantee!