I’m not good enough yet…

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I’m not good enough to have the best relationship for me…I have a lot of work to do.

I’m not good enough to have someone really love me, because I am still building my career, my finances, my dreams, etc…

I’m not good enough to be married to my best friend, because I have a fatal flaw.

I’m not good enough for a committed relationship, because I’m broken.

I’m not good enough to be a partner in a healthy partnership, because I’ve been told I’m a loser (fill in the blank) And so on….

I hear this and variations of these words all the time.

The lack of confidence that we are enough, just as we are….that until we reach the pillars of perfection we’re unworthy of anything that FEELS GOOD!

We settle. Re-settle. Get stuck.

We’re too afraid to take a step out of a bad situation or hope it’ll get better.

We stay where we think it’s safe, but…yet….it feels crappy.

When we wake up each day, whether we’re alone or in a non-fulfilling relationship there is probably an aching emptiness, a feeling of doom/gloom or anxiety…..all in facing another day stuck without the life we really want to live. And stuck without who we’d really LOVE to be living it with!!

Why do we allow those old beliefs, these feelings of comparing ourselves to a state of perfection that doesn’t exist?

FEAR.

Fear of getting involved with someone who we feel connected to and good with, but believe one of the following will happen:

  • disappointment
  • rejection
  • failure
  • being just as miserable as we are here/now

So, here’s the thing (my clients laugh, because I always say this statement):

Self-acceptance is the key.

What else?

Rooting out those old beliefs in how we got here is the most important part. When we locate those old beliefs in our subconscious and recognize how they planted themselves there in the first place…we create miracles.

I have done this and do this process whenever I feel stuck, I locate the belief, I see WHY I created it in the first place…I then see all the times in my life that I re-created scenarios, so I could live in that fearful belief and I let it limit me.

If we want life-altering and shifting perceptions….

Here is a tip:

Self acceptance means that perfection has no place in your life, period.

PAY ATTENTION to the voices in your head that criticize you,  tell you that you’re not good enough or say how could anyone love such a loser like you.

Catch those thoughts, find them physically in your body. They are attached to an emotion and a physical sensation. Where are they located?

Example: In your stomach. Like someone punched you in the gut.

When you locate the pain or discomfort, place your focus there…allow the feeling to grow. Let it overwhelm you. And then ask yourself the first time you felt that way?

Usually, it is somewhere in childhood. I had a client who would suffer from anxiety at the thought that they were going to be late for a job (they were self-employed) and show up empty-handed. He would be completely on edge that he would screw up in some way just by the way he showed up. Even though, he was always on time and went WAY over and above what was necessary for the client.

When he did discover through this exercise the belief he developed it changed everything. He realized that as a latchkey kid he felt unprepared for school all the time. His Mom never took him to the store for supplies and he was afraid to tell her that he had certain assignments due when he was in first grade.

He would end up in the office with no supplies, no completed assignment and feeling forlorn as he was also unkempt. He grew up never wanting to feel that shame and embarrassment again….

He overcompensated…and he also went the other direction. In his personal life he never showed up emotionally prepared, he always felt not good enough, and undeserving of someone who loved and respected him. He attracted women who criticized him and told him he was not good enough.

The story is longer, but it’s to give you the gist of the exercise, so that you can start discovering your own limiting beliefs.

Start today and let me know what you find out. I will be posting info this week about my new teleseminar series…so stay tuned!

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Relationships and the Common Denominator

I’d like to ask you a question or two…

In regard to a current or past relationship, what was the dynamic in this relationship and do/did you find yourself in the present moment (rather than the past) when strong emotions came up?

How did you feel right before you said words that provoked a fight beween you both; or made you inclined to walk out the door? What was the feeling when you were compelled to make a decision in the midst of any strong emotion? How OLD was that feeling, which initiated your action?

What is it you “do” that re-creates the same issues again and again in your relationships?

The “doing” is old conditioning and being unaware of your own emotions in the moment, what is it that is NOW being provoked, which brings the past into the present?

We are only doomed to failure in a relationship (barring abuse or some other event which is harmful to one’s mental/physical health) because it is what we work toward creating, when we “unconsciously” and falsely believe it is what we deserve.

When relationships have failed in the past what is the commonality?

What was the feeling that took you over in 0-60 that lead you to ruin? Who or what is driving the car?

One may ask herself/himself, “Why do I focus on things that ruin my inner peace and I can’t control? When I do something to try and control it, which makes it worse. It is like I’m watching a rerun of a past situation in a relationship.”  

Nothing is written in stone, so why do we act as though “this always happens to me”, as though we are unaware of what we create in our relationships?

In this state of auto-pilot, we use blaming, cajoling, forcing and withholding to get what we believe is the perfect outcome.  When we use these tactics the outcome is never fulfilling, it usually leaves us wanting more.

It is never is about the other person.

It is what we allow when we don’t have boundaries or we traverse the boundaries of our partner hoping for a reaction.

Who is right or wrong? Who cares? The people engaged in the struggle are in an ancient battle. A re-enactment of their history, except this time with a different person.

I always love the saying, “wherever you go, there you are.”

And in the context of relationships…we bring “me” to “we” and think that the new person is different, until we find certain commonalities of communication and reaction we had in past relationships. And what is the common denominator?

Awareness brings openness.

And to see how you truly are the creator of your life, watch how you anticipate certain responses, actions and reactions from your partner.

Have you noticed when you emotionally feel a certain way, let’s say insecure…you get a specific reaction? Is your partner programmed depending on how you approach he/she to respond to you in a familiar pattern?

And you do realize there are two of you here?  Although when dealing with the ghost of relationships past, he/she could be a “stand in” used for the present, instead of a real human being. You both are playing a role in the same stale story wanting a different climax and result.

The outcome you seek may not be the same as your partner. So, again who is right or wrong?

We tend to hold our partner accountable for their response to us without first seeing the dynamic we bring to the situation.  We build a case against them and  if this relationship fails, we bring it to the next one.

I’ve mentioned it before, when you THINK you know what your partner will do or say WITHOUT them having done or said anything… YOU are building that future moment; you have all the tools or weapons to make it happen.

Our body language, tone of voice and words we use all are aimed “unconsciously”at that consequence; one from the past.

We are creating what we think is beyond our control. Truly.

We take no notice of the feeling we have before we engage in the act of destruction, except “not getting our way.”  What it comes down to is “my way”, “I want my way!” 

And in your desire to have what you want; the will of another must bend to your way or play along in your “ancient” battle. You create the outcome “you know and it is familiar”. And the bummer is, you never feel satisfied when this happens, ever.

You create more stories.

When you honor and respect yourself, you inspire that in another.

When you approach a person as though you are a 5 year old having a temper tantrum and must have your way…. you usually don’t get your way without a cost.

And this does NOT mean yelling or violence externally. It means the single-mindedness you have in your thinking cap of the situation turning out how you believe it should, like unanswered needs of a small child.

When we are unaware of our inner mental patterns they tend to be distorted, self-sustaining and contribute to auto-pilot resurrection of the past in the present. 

Awareness gives freedom.

No matter what took place in a past relationship you have the power NOW to choose how you feel and act. 

Awareness grows through being in the present moment and making different choices.

Take a breath, a pause, relax when thoughts and physical sensations become intense…listen to their story.

When you learn to sit with the intensity of your emotions, you have the ability to create…. because you relax; the peace and spaciousness grow and awareness shows you are not reacting to a present moment, but one from a story long ago.

Even if you have no intensity in emotion and you are simply anticipating words or behavior from your partner … you are not “predicting”,  you are setting up the story-line.

All of the storyline is from the past.

Again, pause to stop thinking “I know” and let something happen based on a clean slate.  Don’t color it. Treat it like the first time. A new experience with this person, situation or conversation. You have the magical ability to create a completely different outcome now.

Life is about creating, new experiences and opportunities, NOW. It doesn’t have to be limited to re-living the past.

And the day came….

For me to “gently” rip the band-aid off my scab.

What was underneath this old symbol of denial?

My un-lived life; the pain I buried deep within me, things I didn’t want to look at because then I may have to take action and confront myself.

Seemed scary, but when you are settling in your relationships…there either comes a day that you will deal with “you” or a day that has God/Universe come knocking on your door.

Either way, whether you decide to take initiative with your sore spots and uncover the root of your pain or something happens in your life, which creates a crisis making it impossible for you to ignore ….it waits for you.

Of course, the daily general unease you deny and try to stuff in a compartment is always ready to be dealt with, it is just a matter of “when”.

One day those boxes will come flying off the shelf. 

One day your anxiety, those off-kilter responses you have to small things, those deeply hidden memories of pain come to greet you at the door.

You may try an escape hatch. 

You will choose to try to medicate or deal. A cigarette, a bottle of wine, an addiction, maybe running 20 miles or taking yoga twice daily….

Those activities and others can keep your boxes neatly compartmentalized for awhile, but it is an auto-pilot life.

Or it is time to deal; a part of me I’m refusing to admit, see or open up to and I dig into the scab to reveal the wound.

What is the wound?

A story from long ago, kept alive thru patterns of behavior.

I’m not one to invest in my story any longer.

It is sort of a creepy crawler though, one that runs my life without me being aware….as in not being able to see why I say or do the things I do in my life, until I discard the scab.

One day I realized I kept ripping off the same scab!

I’d dig deeper yet. I’d re-visited my stories so many times, most no longer live wires, but yet, still “active”.

It isn’t the story of my being a victim, which I don’t buy into at all. It is how it initialized certain beliefs I have about myself. And how entrenched I’ve been in seeing myself and the world thru this cock-eyed view, which is not true. 

When we’re young, we’re vulnerable.

We get hurt.

Inside our home and outside of our home. 

Smart human beings that we are we develop strategies to protect ourselves from that “hurt”, we try to fit in, slip under the radar, hope no one notices we’re different or that “thing”, that thing, which had gotten us in trouble and hurt us; ranging from abuse, teasing, watching others’ punishment, abandonment, unloved, not liked, being excluded for a multitude of reasons and the cost is…

We re-create this scenario for the rest of our lives, if we’re not aware.  

When I work with people, there is a common thread; a belief they have and can’t see until they start sharing details of their lives with me. I start to see the common thread as they speak, previously invisible to the individual. I see it and ask them about it, in turn an epiphany happens. A handy tool…something has been reflected back to this person in clarity, now there is a choice to continue the belief or take action.

I’m all about action.

Time is wasted in the head thinking about it- just do it and see what happens!

The last time I pulled off the scab, I walked with myself now and as the younger child version of me…

Seeing clearly “why” I chose to believe things like I was unlovable; something was wrong with me…. finding myself alone it protected me from the world….

And yet, who was I to the world? Who was in my relationships?  

I was the person to carry everything on my back, believing I wasn’t worthy for someone to step in and do things for me;, to really be there.

I was the shoulder to lean on, the perfect nurturer, I felt I had to work at being loved and this wasn’t just in my past marriage, but the intimate relationships which came afterwards. It showed up in other personal and professional relationships too.

Wasn’t I enough? Or at some junctures, I was told I was too much. I tried to mold myself into what I thought I needed to be to be loved and not alone.

Bad strategy.

And then I’d tell myself I was okay alone, as I ran and hid.

I know how to do “alone” well.

Is that where I wanted to live? No.

And that is what I did as a kid; I emotionally and physically hid from my family. I never felt emotionally safe or protected. I didn’t feel loved for who I was, just as “me”.

I was never intimidated by anyone; I had to be my own protector.

I was raised with a workaholic father who didn’t protect me, give any real attention… or gave the impression I was anything special; he was highly critical and held me accountable for everything. And it is only a perception.

The perception of a kid.

My Dad has apologized over the years for giving me an image of myself that wasn’t true. He didn’t mean to do it, based on his own childhood, he was doing the best he could.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, first for yourself and then another. Sometimes it comes in bits and pieces.

I had to take different action in my relationships, stand when I wanted to run, speak when I wanted to stay quiet, create waves when the water was smooth and truly risk when I wanted to play it safe, because I might lose a very important person.

It wasn’t an overnight success, living from this place of “possibility”. It has taken a long time and there are still days like yesterday, when I peel off the scab.

I share this “story”, because these types of thoughts and beliefs in our memory bank impact us! And who we believe we are from these experiences, is NOT who YOU truly are…

Who you truly are may yet to be discovered, what do YOU like? What makes you feel passionate, creativity, excitement, happy?

What do you like to wear, eat and REALLY do with your time? What is really the truth of a situation for YOU (not the other person), can you try to speak it and not run or clam up?

Opening up to yourself is the greatest gift you will ever receive!

Be kind to yourself wherever you are and know we are all doing the best we can with how we see ourselves and the world. 

You can have it all! Just bring your horse to water

Seems to be a slight epidemic as we age, we give up something key to our sustenance, passion and breathing. Can you guess what it is?  Our dreams.

Even if you have attained some version of a dream you once had, what next…what about those dreams in your heart that are in direct opposition to your life right now?

Nothing truly changes in our ability to achieve a dream, but our perspective. It is not because life won’t give you what you want; its all in how “you see it”.  If you believe life is unfair and you were handed a cruel twist of fate, then you will keep creating that image.

When a perspective on life has narrowed, a finger points toward all of your failures and/or successes.

When we carry the perspective of waiting for circumstances to change or become ideal, we are passively feeding ourselves excuses as to a future that we NEVER plan to create.

 Live it now. Be it now. Have it now.

Your magic formula for success may be just as detrimental to “you” as failure. Especially, if it keeps you locked in a “certain” way of doing things.

Our magnificent Universe is ALL about change my friend, its about diving-in, going with the flow and coming up for air into a new way of being, learning  and doing; a breaststroke into waters you may not have traveled yet.

We like to keep our attention on the known vs. the unknown. New unexplored opportunities, scare us.  

We may have a belief about ourselves, what we can do, our capabilities and where we seem to always fail or succeed.

Any unchangeable, locked up vision on how to live without varying from how you did it in the past will keep you in an insidious pattern, one that you may not even be aware operates underneath your perception.

When it comes to “failing”, there may be a belief that it is not what WE did, but the curve balls that life keeps on throwing us over the years.

Sometimes we don’t come out of the dugout and stay committed to ourselves through the strikeouts; we lose the belief that “this time” we can hit the ball, and maybe score a homerun in the bottom of the 9th! Sometimes, we call it a game, a season or a life and walk off the field never to return. Leaving our field of dreams behind.

You may have convinced yourself and created the perception that you will not be able to hit that curve ball, so instead you watch others play and succeed. You then take the virtual baseball bat and hit yourself over the head numerous times in self-flagellation over how you failed; beating oneself up never accomplishes happiness. All it does is creates a story that you can tell yourself to make sure you SAFELY never get up to bat again and in turn, you share this sad story with others.

As we get older, we become a collection of stories. It seems that what we thought  was possible, becomes impossible. After all, life keeps proving it over and over. 

We develop habits, ways of coping, living and  breathing through our experiences.

Our experiences have become our story.  We take ownership. Whew!!! What a relief, it keeps us from having to get back in the saddle and try again!

We personalize our circumstances as though they happen to us, not “through us!”

We don’t see ourselves making choices leading to the same outcome. We don’t see how we become immobilized through our thoughts based on these experiences. We miss our own boat.  

There is absolutely no reason to not accomplish your dreams.

Life is hard?  Really? You create that reality.

Sure, I agree…life has its peaks and valleys.

Using my favorite analogy of the river; we have NO control over the conditions of the river; the low hanging branches, rocks, rapids and brown bears fishing mid-stream. So…what does it hurt to lean back, steer your boat with your feet “through” adversity, and the perceptions you HOLD ONTO which are keeping you from success?  Let go….and enjoy the ride!

What else are you gonna do?

You could decide the river of REALLY LIVING is too dangerous to ride; you might get swept up in its current and jump out of your boat clamoring to the nearest dry land. And there you stay, settling for the safety of some dry shore; where you dock your boat, catch your breath and decide to set up a permanent camp. Hoping to avoid the unknown, your dreams and living full out!

Dreams are lost when you don’t get back in your boat and go with the flow.

It is our thoughts which incapacitate us. Its our own thinking. It stops us from participating willingly in the adventure of life.

We give up, give in and walk with our boat on our back, it’s easier right? You can handle the weight of the boat, rather than letting go and allowing it to be your ride to the unknown.

As you know even if you walk with YOUR boat; you grow tired, angry and thinking life is just this way, it sucks!

And you still are confronted with challenges, especially this one: you can never make your life small enough to control everything!  

Giving up your dreams does not mean safety and no problems. It is in fact the opposite, it seems life is frothing at the mouth with problems, when you play small. When you stay in the boat and steer toward your dreams, miracles happen and problems are not so overwhelming…you find a way to maneuver through them and become even more committed to the happiness in your heart!

Life doesn’t take kindly to allowing us to remain victims of circumstance. It comes around pulling you out of that hole you dug as you dragged your heavy boat “behind” you, filled with  disappointment, sorrow, failure and loneliness. It has a way of presenting opportunities for your dreams, again and again. Will you ignore it or jump back in the river?

Some resist getting back in the river still, they numb themselves.

They choose to rely on “coping” rather than  “living”.

Many come to think nothing goes their way, they look for safety, escape and a feeling that its all okay… which it never is when life remains un-lived.

Will you keep choosing to stay on the banks of your life?  What do you have to lose?

Going through life on auto-pilot so nothing really hurts you and staying with a routine and its safety is not the key. There is always a sense of unrest within us. Sure you may have some comfort, but really….what you are stifling within yourself is your very “life”.

We have an OLD belief system of a young child; it tells our subconscious endearing thoughts such as:  “See you really shouldn’t run through the sprinklers or play in the mud in your school clothes, you are bad”, ” My parents both work leaving me with a sitter til late at night, what am  I gonna do, no one will take me to get my items for the school project due  tomorrow”, “My Dad left, and when I see him he pays no attention to me, must mean I am unlovable”,  “I’m mean, my mom said so”, and ” I’m ugly and dumb, the kids at school  always tease me”, etc…

In our subconscious minds, these thoughts have stuck with us about ourselves  creating a belief, whether its true or not.  And we are NOT even aware of it most of the time. We all were Spongebob Squarepants as kids…soaking up our environment and the people in it!

When you are young, you don’t notice these beliefs so much, because you  haven’t had the opportunities to “create” TOO many events in your life to match those beliefs. It takes time to keep re-creating OUR stories, which is why we take our boat out of the river at some point and stop the flow.

Wanna get back in that boat? I can give you the possibilities of how; the tools to change a perception and take different action which changes the outcome…..so stay in your boat and come on downstream with me.

Victoria on Building a Team of Support

As Victoria continues her commitment to believing in wealth for herself she finds more signposts and opportunities for growth along the way. Here Victoria continues her story…

Building a TEAM of SUPPORT;  I asked the Universe to assist and guide me to find the ways to make my boutique, Que Linda; a destination point.  I want people to know who we are, what we have to offer them, so they may come visit us to help on their journey.

Last Thursday night; I worked selling my friend’s hair product at the LA County Fair.  From the moment I got there until the lights were shut-off by the fair staff, we were going non-stop! We were educating and informing customers while making sales.

In 5 hours, our number of transactions averaged a cash register sale every 5 minutes!  Our minimum sale was $77.20, WOW!  I could NOT talk fast enough; questions were coming so fast as we hustled to ring up sales and package items; we barely had time for a one second break!

People were coming to us; they were LOOKING for our booth.  Many had heard about the product; they wanted and needed education, information and guidance to assist in making a decision to purchase for themselves.  The results…our education, our information and our guidance lead to people wanting to make the investment in the product. If the fair had not forced the close of the building, we would have kept on selling the rest of the night.

What I asked the Universe for is now being revealed; it has been shown to me right in front of  my eyes, WITH my effort as well.

Now the idea is to apply these foundational step to my own business. To ALLOW for my business to receive the same effects.

The ideology, the practice, and the “way of life” existence correlate with both my friends and my business, so now to take all of it and apply it to my business.

When the fair is over, I plan to ask my friend to assist my business with her way of promoting and marketing; which I have been missing to help my business.  I want to continue the flow from her business to mine, without stopping, because the fair has stopped…now to switch to keeping the flow going in my business location.

I know my friend’s business relies on the support and staffing of “friends” and customers who LOVE her product! I am now looking to reach out to those who LOVE our services and “offerings”; asking each one to “work” in helping us build and expand my business as a “destination point.” 

Already, I have a customer who wants to “assist” by re-working our website  Que Linda Boutique, by updating, re-building and create an on-line shopping cart. This will help with the extension of sales and service bookings, while promoting who we are…Stacy now becomes part of our “team.” 

Believing and paying attention Part 2

Picking up where I left off on the last post. I woke up having one of those vivid dreams–the type where you swear someone was with you. It brands an impression or imprint on you, so when a subject comes up that doesn’t even seem related, you “feel” the feeling of the dream. It is a strange thing, because it doesn’t necessarily mean I ever remember the dream. This time, upon waking–I wrote it down (smart move, eh?).

I won’t share the entire dream, just the part that made the morning even more synchronistic.

Mind you, I say this after being “haunted” for days before the dream of ” blatant signs” beyond what I previously mentioned in my last post. And PLUS the energetic connection to the person in my dream, which has not faded but only grown stronger (at times overwhelming) in the past two months.

Anyways, this person who I was most recently in relationship with was in the dream…handing me my books (I am a self-confessed, book-a-holic), telling me we need to read them together; he wanted to learn and grow with me. He also said he was ready for the real rootin’ tootin’ relationship of all time (okay, I am exaggerating–but you get the point), but a little scared.

I wrote this down and quickly moved thru the emotions I was feeling, to a more resolved state. Picked up my water, my journal, phone and bag walked out the hotel room door looking for coffee, leaving my sleeping daughter there. (waking her unless it is a natural disaster is not really a good idea)  In the lobby, some of the travelers from Europe were still milling about, apparently Mammoth Lakes hosts their Oktoberfest in September.

Coffee in hand, off I went to the huge park with the beautiful stream. As I walked there, I noticed the restaurant I wanted to eat breakfast at upon returning from my excursion.

Once there, I walked over to the stream….feeling more peaceful, happy, centered and very close to the Universe/God. I ambled along the dirt path reviewing in my mind, my recent “intentions”. I was talking out loud to Universe/God and saying I accept all that is, as it is AND I MEANT IT. If I am single, so be it–I honestly meant this too. Whenever the timing is right for me, with whomever it will be for me, I am at peace. I like my life, it has its struggles and moments where all isn’t a fluffy red velvet cupcake…but who always has dessert?

As I came to this place of awesome surrender, peace and acceptance I happened upon a bench “right at that moment”. 

Obviously, I was in “awe”, because not only was this the conversation I just had, but what a great way to memorialize someone dear to you. As I continued walking, I started checking out all the other benches, it was very inspiring and reminded me to “be in this moment”.

I will leave the rest for the next post, except to say about 10 minutes after I made this peaceful resolution, I heard from that person in my dream….funny timing after 2 months? I have more to that story, the amazing synchronicity from large to small in which I have a question without even asking out loud…and it is immediately answered. All questions/prayers are answered, all we have to do is listen. All areas of my life have continued to be affected by serendipitous moments, throughout my stay in Mammoth and daily, since arriving back home.

The Believing Project, trucking on down the road

We’re now three weeks on the journey in “believing“. Some days I believe my intentions will become a reality and other days I find more likelihood in being an astronaut.  Believing requires my participation, moving out of my comfort zone, yet not forcing or settling for less than I truly deserve. Playing it safe is not allowed. To be clear, I’m talking about my comfort zone emotionally– I won’t be skydiving anytime soon!

Vulnerability has become my friend over the years–honesty is a BIG relief; I don’t invest in fairy tales.

Believing is not mimicking or achieving a fairy tale. It is a force of nature beyond myself, one that I intuitively feel on a deeper level, knowing these things will manifest. Only my brain blocks the way, when it takes me down memory lane, showing me HOW things didn’t work out in the past.

I’ve been clearing away the driftwood for a long time, resulting in my connection to love, kindness, happiness and just juicy living, which eventually wins over the old voices wanting me back in the cocoon.

I have been divorced for years. My journey began with wanting inner peace. I can attest at that time it’s not “where I was, who I was nor did I have a clue how to just “be”…  I was a perfectionist, stubborn, intellect was were I operated from ALWAYS;  I was prepared for almost any outcome.  And my heart? It was firmly buried beneath layers of protection, expectations, disappointment, false beliefs, depression– you  name it! All of these made for a pretty thick wall that I had no idea I had built.

Disappointment was my roommate, because I couldn’t deal with it for years. My disappointment in myself, others or things just not working out, made it impossible for me to ever shut off that inner critic. I remember trying to filter out anything that would make me feel bad. All forms of communication: email, phone, in-person. I couldn’t bear hearing I made a mistake or let someone down. I wore a steel armor to keep a critical friend from critiquing me, telling me what was wrong with me. And endings? Forget that-I could barely commit to a beginning! Not getting the job or losing one – I ran from these things!!

Anxiety and depression had hold of me for years. Perfection reigned, after all if I was holding up all corners of the tent and performing in the circus who could complain?

I had no idea what it meant to have my own goals of success. I had borrowed concepts from others, society, friends, parents; but had none of my own.  I didn’t trust myself  to dig deep and act on what I truly wanted for me. What if I “looked” like a  failure?

I should also mention I excelled at self-sabotage. I worked hard, but never felt like I fit in or deserved success (whatever that meant). It took me years and a lot of falling down to figure out who I was, what I actually wanted and to “be” just to “be” me. I had a major excavation project with getting thru the layers of bricks I’d built around my heart.

Today, I feel like a kid, free, happy and carefree.  There is still the “me”, who struggles with the remains of being a recovering perfectionist. Even though anxiety rarely pops up nowadays and depression is more of a memory  it has been pointed out to me by two people who are very close to me, I’m still hard on myself. That is something I make small choices about many times a day, when I find myself becoming rigid, I try to relax myself physically and tell myself that I am doing what I can and that is all I am willing to do, period. It helps!

Everyday I make it a point to be kind to myself (even if I’m having an off day), not hold high expectations of what “I”  alone can accomplish; I reach out and ask for help, trust that all will be well and continue to not necessarily welcome disappointment, but I don’t run from it, because I am far more resilient. An oft-repeated phrase, this too shall pass, is an absolute truth.

I  believe I can have the existence I want for myself.  I can see clearly where I want to be, its been there for years; I just wore really dark sunglasses while I took the scenic route. I am always aware now. I don’t control timing, situations or other people and so, for now, as I continue to believe and be open to what the Universe brings into my life, I am letting go more and HAVING FUN!

I appreciate my life, but still have times when I don’t …

All of us human beings, enlightened and unenlightened get to experience the full realm of emotions, issues and inner voices too. We all deserve the life we want, so just believe it can happen for you! No matter how far you or I come on our journey, there is always something in us (big or small), that needs acceptance, to be loved, and told its “okay”, its time to take off and fly; let go and be.