A date..

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I was sharing this with a friend last week and thought I’d write it here.

I’ve been divorced for years and ran hiding for several of those years from any sort of serious commitment (even though I did live with someone). I’d say I’m thankful, this was the case–because I apparently needed all those lessons about myself, ones that included a lot of pain and a lot of struggle.

I am pretty happy being single these days and so, I decided to go on a date.

This meant applying make-up and wearing a top that matched my pants (rather than my wonderful workout wear I run around in most days), in fact the thought of gussying myself up, almost made me cancel…can you say l-a-x? 😉

Now, I don’t picture my future with 12 cats as my steadfast companions; I’d like to be partnered up! Single or in a relationship, my attitude is life is short, so it’s time for lotsa travel, fun and exploration in this world.

And really, intimacy, sure does sound nice!

So, I set an intention. I actually set it across the board in my life. I realized I had been a world class struggler! If there was a challenge….boy oh boy, sign my ass up!

I decided my intention was to only enter dating and relationships (and life) if it was easy; came to me with ease, consistency and stability. Meaning, it requires absolutely no struggle. Even though I’m lazy about getting dressed up, once I do it, I love it!! Why? Because I love my boots!! And the date after all, was supplying me with a chance to wear them. 😉

I met this dude for the date at a wine store tasting.

I knew intuitively even before arriving that I needed to not focus on if he was gonna be a “superstar” and really just take notice of what I liked or learned.

It was meant to be a short date, a meet and greet, if you will. Thanksgiving was arriving and with it the hustle and bustle, so we agreed to keep it short.

I met the guy at the door, he had already ordered himself up a glass of wine…he still was shaky, but did manage a smile and a difficult hug (ease?).

What did I like so far?

That this wine store had “WINE.

Secondly, I liked the ambiance.

He walked me around and said he had a wine group he hosted there, enough so that the owner came over to us. Found the third thing I liked, 2 of the three owners own one of my fave wine places in Silverlake.

First thing I learned, was just because someone has their name on a wine label as an importer, doesn’t actually mean he’s an authority on what actually tastes good.

I fell in love more with Castelvetrano olives, once again!

Learned not all Beaujolais Nouveau are created the same…hmmm, what else?

My date explained how he brewed his own beer and now he loves wine. No more beer brewing for him. his reasons were many, starting with his ex-wife. She bought him his first brewing kit and decided she hated the smell of beer brewing, which he mentioned with a bit of disdain. Hmmm. He said beer brewing was a bit frustrating, cuz you get one little speck of yeast in it or your bottles smell like bleach and you’re screwed.

I also liked tasting one of my favorite things: manchego cheese.  

Now I did pay attention to how the conversation flowed or didn’t in this case.

We had hiking in common. That was good. Ummm….what else?

After talking to the sommelier, I learned I may just embark on a new hobby, becoming a sommelier!!!  “How fun!” Perhaps, I could become a level 1 or 2 just to take my curious self on a new adventure!

Anyone wanna join me?

So..as you can see, I learned A LOT and I liked A LOT.

I’ve learned to take a chance by saying yes, even when I much prefer staying in my yoga pants! I always know I’ll learn something or find something to like, and my date did teach me a couple of things too! He was a nice guy, just not for me and with my intention of ease, our conversation and the no chemistry meant, without a doubt, it did not fall into that category.

It still wasn’t a bad way to spend an hour. 🙂

Is Hope a Form of Hell?

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There were times in my life that I lived in my own personal purgatory, an eternal hope that circumstances would change and I’d be first in line to receive what I wanted so badly.

I used to wonder if hope creates a living hell?

Besides being in the middle of war or some life-threatening situation, where you hope you make it out alive….

In all other circumstances, the word “Hope,” says things aren’t okay now! It’s a battle—the acceptance of what is vs. hope. Who wins?

It’s an exhausting fight.

I’ve done crazy things for hope and at times done nothing, but waited….and not calling it waiting, but in essence, it was….waiting.

I stayed in friendships and romantic relationships, hoping something dysfunctional would miraculously change or they’d wake up, get help or wear a matching t-shirt with me.

In a romantic relationship, I’ve been that chick.

The one who gave a ton o’ lovin’, hopin’ some day I’d hear how important and wonderful I was to their very life source. Silly, silly me.

I’ve also stayed til the bitter end of hope, when I’ve given up only to then get what I wanted….only not to want it anymore.

And I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t get rid of hope so easily.

It quietly seeped into my decisions.

I might hold back or go forth depending on that little pebble of hope. Every time I based any decision on hope, it never worked out.

Making decisions and hope should not be in the same buffet.

Decisions should be made wholeheartedly based on what is true for us in the moment.

When we desire someone else to change, like our mate, boss, kid, best friend…..we are passively living in hope.

Hoping had been a mental activity since I was a kid. Hoping for someday.

Someday what? That I’d get what I need, and have what I want?

What about the present moment?

Sometimes, someday never comes.

And if it does, it’s just as fulfilling as we allow it to be RIGHT NOW. If we’re not digging our lives today, what will make the difference tomorrow?

Thinking we’ll wake up someday and our whole life will be a wonderland, because we hoped it true, as long as our inside status stays the same…no outside nirvana will make a difference!

And we can’t hope we’ll change; we have to take action to change!

Having hope for change, means, “I’m not presently here.” It means no action.

We can get caught up in the “if onlys”; if only, this would happen then my life would be better.

Words and inspired action go hand in hand. Not someday, but NOW. “I can’t do that now, I’m not successful, pretty, happy, worthy, etc…yet, someday I will be!”

Now is all we have and now is the time to create change, so nothing remains a hope, instead its our reality.

Does hope ever bring a sense of fulfillment? Yes and no.

On our journey, if we hope and really believe everything will work itself out, we have a sense of contentment, and a state of non-attachment. We’re not worrying and we’re STILL putting energy toward what we want.

On the other hand, attachment sucks.  Sometimes it feels impossible to let go, especially when we’re still hoping it works out. How do we stop?

Stop hoping, and get very clear on the reality. What is really going on now? Accept it. Then we make decisions toward a HOPE we can control. All we can control are our own thoughts, reactions and actions.

Clarity allows us to give up the internal struggle and surrender to what is happening now. We can then see how our actions either support us in our desire to have the life we want or they move us away from what we want, where we can only “HOPE.”

When we actively participate in our journey, we trust that all will be well and we’re not attached to the outcome.

Although, sometimes having hope is like having a map–like when we’re completely lost and we know where we want to end up, so we have hope that it gets us there.

Just Surviving Your Relationship…

sky-heart

Are you just surviving your relationship? Hoping something will change?

A sign will show up?

One day you’ll finally have the courage to go?

When we’ve given power to everything outside of us to direct us, we end up unfulfilled and stuck.

It’s how we were raised. Little sponges soaking up our environment and giving it meaning about who we think we are…not who we really are in this life.

We don’t realize it’s a lie.

The truth: there’s no love or happiness, if we’ve given control to someone or something else; if we’re waiting for someone to change, they have control and we’re disconnected from ourselves.

To survive we may invest in creating a fantasy space to escape the reality of the hell we’ve chosen.

We delude ourselves, so the relationship isn’t so bad–we tolerate it by pretending and focusing on other things. Leading separate lives. YET…what are we waiting for…permission? Have the ghost of Mom or Dad told us we’re capable of making a good decision and we’re allowed to leave? Are we letting down some false expectation we have of ourselves? Or are we trying to fix an old wound?

How are we loving ourselves by staying in a relationship that no longer fulfills us? Who are WE loving?

There’s no LOVE.

We believe we need to somehow stay in a relationship to prove or heal something from childhood, because we’ve protected ourselves for YEARS or we’re doing the right thing NOW — SEE…we’re not bad, we’re good…we’re stoic! We’re martyrs…where’s my reward? Again–NO LOVE.

What does that mean?

We cover vulnerability with layers of protection, so the trauma and drama are the surface layers. It’s not our truth. It’s where we took someone else’s past CRAP , personalized it and made it about us. We remain in this perception and fear, we never get to a state of vulnerability. We stay in the argument in our head of how this isn’t working, what haven’t we done right or ignore our pain–creating even more pain to choke down. We become depressed and more stuck. 

We may feel it’s safe, WHY? Because it’s familiar.

All we’re doing is feeding our invulnerable, compartmentalized life…we never get to heal, we never get to fix the past by staying somewhere and lying to ourselves. WE NEVER GET APPROVAL!!!!! EVER!!!!

We develop relationships to grow. 

If we’re growing and our mate refuses, simply put, it’s time to move on. Period.

The relationship doesn’t serve its purpose if it doesn’t grow; it’s just a comfort zone.

We take the compartments we developed in childhood and use them to stay in our comfort zone—numbing pain and distracting ourselves, so we don’t have to change our lives. There’s patterns; one or both parent(s) always waiting for something outside of them to change…and how they reacted in the meantime.

How were our parents stuck?

What dreams did they give up?

What did they complain about often when it came to their relationships?

Do we fulfill the position of the one complaining or the one who doesn’t want to show up?

Did they divorce and we felt it was our fault? Did we make an agreement based on it with our partner, to stay together even if there’s no love?

Did they withhold love or approval from us?

Those questions have nothing to do with our true self, our authenticity or vulnerability.

We learned to have OUR perception from our answers to those questions. WE LEARNED–it’s not inborn in us. We learned: How to survive a relationship, rather than truly LIVE and LOVE!

 

Nothing we learned emotionally as a child, in being invulnerable and stuck, bears repeating as an adult.

How do we get real and get out?

This requires courage and some self-love.

First, dig deep: What is your truth? Are you afraid to see it? Good. It means you’ve been doing a lot of surviving and pretending. Look at all the false beliefs you have about yourself and relationships—every negative one is something untrue that you made a truth.

Second, recognize your REAL truth. “Am I loving myself by being here? What would a LOVING action be for myself? What am I proving? What’s the lie I tell myself that makes it a benefit to remain here?”

Third, recognize your needs? Are they fulfilled? In a dead relationship, no one is going to fulfill your needs…time to start to fulfill your needs…begin loving yourself.

Fourth, Take ACTION. Take the risk…go for the freedom. Love yourself, even if it’s a left turn, then you decide you want to go right…so what?? Love is taking action for YOU. Put your needs first, once you do, make a choice, go live your life, leave the relationship, CREATE A LOVING ENVIRONMENT ELSEWHERE FOR YOU and stop settling–you deserve LOVE.

We’re all worthy of love. ALL OF US.

Inertia is a breathing DEATH.

Action even if you’re not sure what to do is better than NOT living.

There’s a quote, build the plane while you’re flying it. And another, feel the fear–do it anyways!

Start flying and you’ll figure out your steps as you go…over-thinking leads to more stagnation. So…take action TODAY. Life is short and LOVE IS FOR ALL OF US.

A wounded story: Got One?

Vintage Ad #882: Mr. Me-Bee Wants to Write a Storybook About You!

LOVE A GOOD STORY?

Tell me your story. I will listen. Nothing you tell me will make me think less of you, because of your experiences. Truly.

Everyone has something that hurtsold hurt, new hurt or just a constant feeling of hurt.

It creates a story that we BELIEVE about ourselves.

If we’re not careful, we’ll take those experiences and make them a part of who we believe we are, which isn’t true.

I’ve found that most people just want to be heard, compassionately listened to and cared for as a lovable being. It validates their existence.

In our society, many people don’t want to hear the messiness of stories. These people change the subject immediately; perhaps they put a positive spin on it or walk away. 

Some cannot handle the distress of others, because it brings out their own personal distress. They prefer it to remain buried, hoping it’ll just go away. Unfortunately, it manifests itself in many ways, anxiety, depression, an “ism”, and so on.

EXPRESSING PAIN IS OKAY.

Venting, sharing, crying and then hopefully laughing at how much impact we allow outside events/people to have in our lives is the hoped for outcome.

We all have stories, but its how much you believe those stories and where they incapacitate you that becomes the problem.

Some people love their painful stories, they don’t just share with a willing ear, they share with any ear. In this instance, it becomes beneficial to the “teller.” It gives them attention and little incentive to make appropriate changes to their perception, to live a more quality existence.

People can remain victimized by their painful stories. And when you’re either sharing it with everyone you meet, beating yourself over the head with it or believing this story must continue into the future, you are not being true to yourself.

These stories are NOT who we are, they are experiences that have happened.

Identifying with what other people have said or done, as “who we are,” is a misperception. It gives power to everything outside of us, so we are emotionally tossed about like a boat on an angry ocean.

Tell me your story. I want to hear it, because I can see where the source of pain comes from that radiates throughout your being, as you “live” it through expression.

And after you have told me the story, it’s time to look at why your story is so important to you.

What is the benefit?

There is always a benefit, whether you like being a victim, gaining sympathy, enjoying your sadness or fitting in to an identity that is made up…the story gives you something.

And it also keeps you stuck. 

Most of us want to feel good, no matter what the circumstances are in our lives. It’s just these stories get in the way.

What can you do?

First.

The story isn’t real. Yes, events happen, which create pain. Loss, abandonment, loneliness, etc… all can be very painful.

It’s an experience, which we go through and it affects us, absolutely.

When I say it isn’t real, what I mean is that “the pain is not WHO we are,” it’s not our identity and we don’t deserve it anymore, than anyone else in the world.

Having a story and being the story are two different things. Accept there’s pain, but you don’t have to accept it as your cross to bear.

Second.

Recognize your responsibility (If it was something you participated in). It allows you freedom and control.

If you see where you are responsible, then you know it is not set in stone that you will do the same exact thing again. You will see where your actions and reactions are in your control. And that allows for change.

Third.

Is the story born from years ago, when you decided to believe certain things about yourself based on others or society in general?

These are our most painful stories, because when we were young and vulnerable, we experienced pain. No one wants to experience that again, so we built defenses (old, child-like defenses) and proceeded to react in a way to preserve ourselves.

Whether we give in, hand out or beat down, we are re-enacting the past and keeping the story alive. 

Fourth.

Learn the seed of your story. Understand that it has created limitations in your life. Do you want it to continue to rule?

No?

Then get real. Look at why you think you’re not enough, too much, unlovable, stupid, crazy, etc… and realize it’s a LIE.

It’s not true. You can change your actions NOW. Once you see that you believed something that wasn’t true about you. All sources outside of us are a choice in how we perceive them and their sphere of influence.

Fifth.

Compassion.

Have compassion for yourself and what you have been through. Have compassion for every way that you have mistreated yourself or someone else. The more compassion you have for you, the more you have for others.

And there is no reason at all that you don’t deserve compassion. 

Listen to your story, listen to others stories, see how their stories are untrue too in how they identify themselves.

So….tell me your story.

 

Join or Write for my Monthly Inspiration Newsletter

 

Greetings!

I started a newsletter a few months ago. My idea was to make it into a community of readers and writers.  One of the tenets is the feedback I receive from readers on the type of content they enjoy reading. If you’ve something to say that would resonate with others, please Tracy@tracycrossley.com.  And if you would like to subscribe, click on the link to the right of this post.

In this month’s newsletter, some of the inspiring and thought-provoking articles are below.

You can read the entire page here: http://bit.ly/UpSYCA or click here. Although, it is much easier to read the newsletter with links from the email you receive monthly.

Where is Home? By Eric Vogt (He practices Buddhist meditation and studies Vajrayana, Soto Zen, & Theravada.)

What or where is “home”? What or where is that sense of total acceptance, belonging and comfort? Are you comfortable in your own skin? Is home really where the heart is? Is it even spatial?  My childhood home was recently sold, I have some wonderful memories of growing up in a much simpler time, but there were some not so wonderful memories in that home also.  Good or bad, it helped shape me but it is no longer part of my reality. Read more.

8 Causes of Cravings by Monique Cassis AADP, HHC (She is board certified with the American Association of Drugless Practitioner as a Holistic Health and Nutrition Counselor and A.C.E. certified as a personal trainer.)

 Look at the foods, deficits and behaviors in your life that are the underlying causes of your cravings. Many people view cravings as weakness, but really they are important messages meant to assist you in maintaining balance. When you experience a craving, deconstruct it. Ask yourself, what does my body want and why? The eight primary causes of cravings are: Read More.

The Perfect Woman by Mark Keleske (He travels around the country several times a year, and is passionate about his only sports vice and team:  College Football and the Boise State Broncos.)

 I was driving around town with my dispatcher Vanessa, who was doing a “ride along”, i.e. she got to ride along with me to see what I do “out there”.  Vanessa is a woman most people would envy, she is an old soul who inhabits a young body.   She is extremely well travelled, having been to places many most people never see in their lifetime.  She also has a deep perspective on life, so I knew she would understand what I was about to say when I pulled up to this stoplight. Read More.

Loss, Grief and Gratitude by Natalie Dunbar ( At night and on the weekends, you’ll find her coaching walkers – for Team In Training, the largest fundraising arm of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, a cause that she has been involved with since 2007).

But within seconds of answering the phone I knew this was no congratulatory call. 

 Instead she called to break the news of a tragic cycling accident that claimed the life of a former marathon teammate the day before, wanting to tell me before I read about it Facebook, where many of us often go to share congratulations and race recaps. Read More.

How Would You Define Good Health? by Dr. Rion Zimmerman (He is a Wellness Chiropractor specializing in preventative hands on care with extensive knowledge related to families.)

Symptoms are a poor barometer of health and usually show up late in the disease process. Would you rather choose a lifestyle of wellness so your body functions at an optimal level or live the typical American lifestyle and unknowingly allow various diseases progress to a level of crisis before you seek action? Read More.

You can check out other articles by others in this month’s newsletter too. ENJOY!!

The newest addition to my coaching practice

Hi everyone,

I hope you are doing great today! I decided to start creating short videos that offer tips, which you can apply to YOUR life, right now! These tips will help you to be more aware of yourself and what you do, it’s the start of creating change in your life. This change will lead you to fulfilling success and happiness. Please email me at Tracy@tracycrossley.com on suggestions for topics.

You can also find my videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/Natureof13

Here’s my quick Tip for this week.

The Pandemonium of Disappointment

Photo by jackluke

I would rather build a fairy tale sometimes than admit to the failure of a relationship. I’d rather believe in hope, than its twin brother “disappointment.”

When I was younger, I could shake it off, kick it to the side….I knew brighter days awaited me.

And as the years passed, it seemed more difficult to have things work out how I wanted them to, so to compensate and develop an attitude of non attachment to my perfect picture–I went to the other extreme.

I stopped having the outcome I wanted in my head have to look a certain way. It never needed to be my way anymore. Everyone else could be happy, and then maybe they’d never leave me or they’d think I was peachy keen!

And yet, I still hoped I would be okay. It didn’t work.

So, I searched for a middle ground through my own sense of empowerment and getting clear on what I wanted. Then the possible loss that could happen would be easier to weather. And its true in “one” sense; I know I’m no longer holding back, lying or manipulating to get my way. I’m being authentic. And that does feel better.

BUT…

Sometimes it’s not okay that something doesn’t work out. Sometimes it’s just plain ol’ disappointing.

Being a force of nature in my otherworldly determination to create success from 2 sticks and quicksand, I would go headlong into something doomed to fail and fight with all my might for its very survival and “hopeful.” Why?

One of my out of control demons was driving that car, I was so caught up in achieving what should have stayed impossible, I never checked into see if I really wanted it in the first place.

Self-defeating? Wanting some reward, which doesn’t really exist?

Maybe I just needed a reminder that I’m not really destined for great things unless I break my neck by punishment and suffering first?

My demons have given up their driver’s licenses, but sometimes I still let one of them hitchhike.

I know many of us would rather not face disappointment.

It means an ending.

Even if there is a new beginning, some sort of loss has happened. And thus, we hold onto really painful situations and relationships in our lives to avoid disappointment.

Sometimes disappointment is not as bad as we anticipated, we find we did a whole dance around it for so long when we could have chucked it a long time ago.

I’m talking it doesn’t matter if it’s a job, marriage, relationship, house, car, dog, your sofa, a philosophy….whatever you are just settling for to avoid disappointment, is causing you a whole helluva lot of grief, which is unnecessary.

Some believe as martyrs that they do it for a greater good or someone else’s good.

I hate to disappoint you, but sacrificing one’s own happiness for the good of anyone else, doesn’t work. It’s a way to live in constant discomfort, resentment and pain…..you never get the medal you hoped for, which alleviates all that loss of time, vigor, happiness and peace.

It is never appreciated by anyone else, as you believe in your mind, when you sacrifice by staying in a shitty situation. And let’s be honest, you stay because you are afraid.

You are afraid of disappointment or disappointing another person.

Many of us are afraid of letting someone down.

We build a self image based on what other people believe us to be…and usually that has so little to do with who we are, it would be great to pull the plug and be YOU.

You are all flawed and f–d up! That is so awesome and inspiring!

If you stay it is a KNOWN disappointment daily, if you go it is unknown disappointment (but there’s FREEDOM to find out). And when your sense of self is fragile, a major disappointment can put you right over the edge.

It is hard to take, I know, I like to believe I handle disappointment well, but as a friend of mine recently pointed out…

I don’t deal with failure too well, because I don’t want the disappointment. Yup, my friend got it right. And I had to look inside of myself and ask “why?” What was up with my beating myself to a pulp, trying everything to not let something go, which has no hope?

There was a lot attached to that as I continue to unravel it, but at least I can see the way out of my hell. Sometimes, we have no idea why we stay at a job, relationship or anything, which is killing us, until we have no choice but to look it square in the eyes.

Life is full of disappointment and it’s full of joy.

Both are not mutually exclusive.

When you accept disappointment, you also get to experience its much more fun cousin, JOY!

And when you accept yourself, a situation, relationship, job, etc…as is and say “okay,” to disappointment….you get to see that disappointment hasn’t killed you. You may have some adjustments, sadness, grief, et al. but now you get to really live for a new adventure.

You get to do something new, which gives you an opportunity to be “real,” with yourself. To follow your heart and see where it leads and to take on disappointment as a natural part of life.

No reason to run or hide, everything once illuminated no longer has the power it once did in the dark.

What disappointments are you living in fear of seeing or experiencing? I’d love to hear the answer.

 

Women are full of crap or at least I am!

Painting by Marc Chagall "Enchantment"

So it starts out like this…

I write an article for elephant journal.

When I write an article, it usually starts with a feeling inside me that I am trying to convey. I decorate the story with my experiences and others’ experiences, past and present to create a picture that others can relate to or imagine.

Now, my boyfriend read my latest article: Relationship Killer #1.

What do you think his initial reaction was to the article?

A late night text, stating he read it, followed by a 6 in the morning text asking “Was it written for the way I feel or how I think?”

And I said, ” I don’t understand your question.” (This is pre-coffee, mind you…my brain does not function.)

He said, ” Personal feeling or did you make it up in your head?”

I proceeded with“It’s not a simple answer. What is it you want to hear? You may listen, but seems you don’t hear me.”

He says, ” Maybe I just read the article wrong. It doesn’t sound like you.”

I said, ” You listen, but you don’t hear me.”

He said, “True because I listen with my heart!!”

Please someone get me a Cup O’ Joe!!!!

All this is not computing.

After all, I am still pissed off about our conversation from yesterday and I can’t seem to stop nitpicking at this relationship no matter what I do. Restrain my hands? My Mouth? My brain?

Like I said, I write from a feeling, but embellish with past, present and others’ experiences. Yet, at times I feel like that article I wrote is “me.” And that I am speaking a different language that is not understood by his species.

It is, but it isn’t.

And trust me when I say, I have read way too many books, done transformative coaching on myself to the degree that I have self awareness almost all the time, but still miss shit that I do to stand in the way, be a pain in the butt and sabotage what I want.

Yes, and I am pretty happy with my days and my goals….and my self-love.(even though I still have days where I HUGELY struggle!)

I have times where the love reservoir is low for me and this guy, he tries to fill it up and be supportive.

He doesn’t have ESP.

I know that, so I tell him what I need. It goes through his filter and sometimes comes out in a completely different way than it was stated hence the “hearing, but not listening part.”

Followed by the frustration part and then the list making of everything that I am not getting! Fuck what I am getting….the focus is on lack (And I can’t have any pudding until I finish my meat)!

And that is the pattern I need to break.

You know the quote, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Accept everything as it is and it will all work itself out.

Yeah, but I was not gifted with the “patience gene.” That was left out of my DNA.

And frankly, many other women I know are afflicted with the same genetic lack.

We want our way, the smart way, not the stupid way (hahahaaa, I take this from George Carlin, as he says: Women are crazy and men are stupid). What we women mean is…our way is simple, your way is…well….hmmm….how to put it nicely. Insipid? Silly? Challenging in all the wrong ways? Why do you have to go battle the 3 headed monster before you spend time with me?

I say the last part in jest to make a point.

Men and women can have a conversation, but no one is listening to what is really being said….they hear the words, but miss the meaning.

The meaning in the above conversation: I love you, I love you too; I am not getting a need met, I feel you withhold; I am confused am I not meeting your need, because I try really hard and don’t know what I am not doing?

And no one feels heard or like they are making anyone happy.

In totality, its not the case, its not “everything, always or never.”

How do you just focus on the positive? Snap your fingers? Wave a magic wand? What do you do?

Really, it is to get out of ego.

Get out of your head.

Ask your heart, “Hey heart what do you want here, to drop this hot potato and find a new one or connect with the love?”

Of course your heart wants the love.

And when you get the prickly, butt hurt ego out of the way…you feel a softening, a letting go of a stance and you don’t wish to pulverize and destroy.

You want to float into the love.

And it doesn’t mean you don’t address your needs, feelings or misunderstandings….it means your intention isn’t to beat someone over the head, instead its to come to a mutual place of peace and understanding….

And this is achieved through the heart. It happens when we remove the defenses that keep us from hearing what we listen to from the special person in our life.

And then we open up and say “kind, loving things to each other.”

WE ALL NEED TO HEAR WHAT WE MEAN TO ANOTHER.

HEAR why we are loved, how much another wants us in their life, because we brighten it… COMMUNICATE LOVE!!! SHOW LOVE!!!

Don’t make it a game of Hide n’ Seek.

Vulnerability is a hot new fashion, wear it well!

Women can create long, long, stories…..we live in them and victimize ourselves as the woman in distress. Men, they need a map to find their way to navigate our stories….they don’t compute. They confuse. They try, but can’t get past chapter one.

Women take these stories to show how the men always fail and the men fail because they don’t have a compass, get lost and went to the wrong castle.

It ain’t cuz anyone PURPOSELY wants to fail.

Women need to get out of the stories.

We need to get to the real issue at hand not all the drama, extra chapters, prologue, second volume or anything else that has nothing to do with the real nitty gritty, which is usually something like, “I need….attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, or allowance.” (Thank you David Richo for your book on the 5 A’s)

Men need to hear what the real issue is and take action when they can, but in the meantime state that they will take action and follow through.

It is that simple.

I am not making any promises about my being less full of crap, some days I am and other days, my blue eyes are brown….but my daily goal, is to have fun, to be successful in all parts of my life, love, be happy, see him smile along with me and laugh.

Laugh together; Laugh hard!!!

I got a secret about trust

Maybe you know it already?

And this may just be a small reminder, as I like to believe, we all need those once in awhile.

This is one of the biggest truth that I know in the name of TRUST.

When you say, I am going with the flow; I am allowing; it is out of my hands and I am along for the ride…

Are you really?

Have you let go of setting limitations (not boundaries), or are you saying something like this to the one you are in love with:

” I am in this relationship with you, and I am seeing where it goes, organically….but, I am NOT allowing either of us to force it or jump in head first. “

Sounds like a little policing activity, eh?

A little salt shaken, pepper ground and tossed with a bit of control.(or maybe a lot of control)

If you say your garden is free to manifest, grow and become a blooming Universe of delight, then you would allow it to do so…you would maintain its growth. All that is needed is to pull a few weeds, water, feed and nurture your garden, right?

If you trim your plants back too far, what happens? They wilt and die.

If you withhold water and care, what happens? They die. 

Same thing with your relationship too.

And what does this analogy have to do with trust? Everything.

Trust is never EVER, EVER, EVER about the other person. EVER!

If you remember that statement and apply it to your relationship, it is half the answer.

It is NOT about trusting others to NOT hurt or disappoint you. BECAUSE I GUARANTEE AND PROMISE THEY WILL….“trust,” the day will come…..and it will pass…..and life will go on and so will you, hopefully still together.

And the thing is….don’t hold onto the disappointment and hurt, let it go for your own health and well-being. It doesn’t mean you are a doormat, it means you are showing yourself kindness and love, which in turn is given to your partner.

What am I talking about?

Everyday is an opportunity to learn.

Today is a great day to start TRUSTING YOURSELF.

The key isn’t again trusting anyone else. The key is to RECOGNIZE YOUR FEAR….and do it anyways!!!

You THINK your fear is something like the following: Will they lie, cheat, forget, dismiss or do something to hurt me?

When in reality, that is NOT the issue.

In reality, it is your fear that you are NOT resilient enough to handle the pain of disappointment and hurt.

You don’t TRUST yourself to recover and breathe in the next moment.

You feel this ONE for sure could take you out of the game permanently, so you think, “Maybe I’ll play it safe and put one foot in and keep one foot out,” which by the way insures the “demise” of your relationship.

Playing it safe, is NEVER safe.

It is just a way to give pain, punishment and suffering to yourself and the other person, because it is limiting–there is no freedom, no oxygen….no flow, its really just a trickle.

You are NOT allowing.

You are saying, “If I cut a hole in one side of the box I live in…I can say I am NOT truly living in the box.” yet, the box is still your home, even if you cut a window in the side.

People spend a lifetime protecting themselves against hurt and disappointment only to find it happens anyway.

When I have a client who is complaining about their partner, it is usually fear talking…fear that their partner is and will disappoint them. And fear that they can’t handle it at all….they want a GUARANTEE where there is only one truth…that is: get used to the fact that you are both human and will disappoint each other…ain’t nobody perfect here!

We want to make it about the other person and what they “are or are not” doing. And then we don’t have to focus on our fear of being disappointed, because once they “all of a sudden” become perfect, everything will be okay. Hmmm?

It will never be okay when you depend on someone else to do the impossible and that is to be perfect.

What’s the secret about trust of yourself, in becoming resilient, knowing you can handle hurt and disappointment and not running for the safety of your box?

It is all in taking RISK.

It is only by doing, experiencing and living in and through that which scares you, is how you find your own resilience. Be bold, be courageous and RISK IT ALL, everyday!!! Now you are really living!!

And guess what…when you live with risk THERE IS FAR LESS disappointment, than when you play it safe.

Why?

Not only are you happier and your partner too, but all sorts of things don’t seem to bother you so much, because you know you are resilient and will make it through!!!

You will stop taking everything the other person does personally. It is realizing you’re both human and will make mistakes and guess what? You will survive.

And if you are really interested in learning how to stand vulnerably with who you are and your fears, I guarantee you will come through your relationship with more INNER PEACE and stability than you have ever known in your life.

Trusting yourself does NOT lead to bitterness, it leads to openness, freedom, understanding and allowing love.

Trusting yourself means you give and receive freely with no thought to the dude from Halloween showing up to ruin your day.

And when your partner disappoints you? So the hell what!

Yes, it should be discussed and if action is needed, it should be taken, but honestly…you will survive and instead of being a fragmented, compartmentalized person… you will find yourself fully engaged, whole and stronger while being happily vulnerable with a NEW understanding of what true strength, love and trust truly are to experience.

It is really the biggest secret…trust yourself and watch miracles and dreams come true. I promise.

It’s important…

A list of what is important:

1. To remember who you are deep in your heart and soul.

2. Feel childlike exuberance experiencing a simple thing in your life everyday.

3. To have awareness of your thoughts, which can shift your mood out of being content and into disharmony.

4. Say out loud “I love you” to yourself each day.

5. To share your love with others in words and actions with each possible opportunity.

6. To explore beyond your own limitations.

7. To not run from fear, but hold hands with it as you encounter obstacles.

8. To take a RISK, regularly, courageously and with a sense of humor. 

9. Be excited, don’t hide from disappointment, if it comes…you will survive.

10. To connect your dreams to your goals of what is possible in your life to achieve.

11. To visit with nature, the sky and not resist all that exists around you.

12. To speak up, state your feelings and know you are entitled to them no matter what anyone else thinks.

13. To say “yes” more often or for some of you to say “no.”

14. Close your eyes and remember all the love given freely to you and how wonderful that feels.

15. To treat yourself with kindness and compassion; forgive your past.

16. Forgive others. You don’t have to forget what transpired, but heal the wound.

17. Enjoy the shit out of this life, because each moment you don’t is a lost opportunity for joy.

18. Accept yourself–all of you–even the parts you want to hide and don’t like…its the road to peace.

19. Do something new often; it keeps you young, alive and vibrant.

20. Fail. Allow failure. It’s the best teacher and it allows you to embrace your humaness.

21. Let go of expectations, just like throwing a penny off a bridge; the velocity for which they leave you offers you that freedom.

22. Recognize your prison walls and that you have the key.

23. Play. Laugh. Be silly.

24. Be vulnerable, share your innermost self with another; trust you will survive.

25. Have courage, be bold and create. Touch your creativity and life will bloom.

Please feel free to share anything you’d like to add to the list.