I was sharing this with a friend last week and thought I’d write it here.
I’ve been divorced for years and ran hiding for several of those years from any sort of serious commitment (even though I did live with someone). I’d say I’m thankful, this was the case–because I apparently needed all those lessons about myself, ones that included a lot of pain and a lot of struggle.
I am pretty happy being single these days and so, I decided to go on a date.
This meant applying make-up and wearing a top that matched my pants (rather than my wonderful workout wear I run around in most days), in fact the thought of gussying myself up, almost made me cancel…can you say l-a-x?
Now, I don’t picture my future with 12 cats as my steadfast companions; I’d like to be partnered up! Single or in a relationship, my attitude is life is short, so it’s time for lotsa travel, fun and exploration in this world.
And really, intimacy, sure does sound nice!
So, I set an intention. I actually set it across the board in my life. I realized I had been a world class struggler! If there was a challenge….boy oh boy, sign my ass up!
I decided my intention was to only enter dating and relationships (and life) if it was easy; came to me with ease, consistency and stability. Meaning, it requires absolutely no struggle. Even though I’m lazy about getting dressed up, once I do it, I love it!! Why? Because I love my boots!! And the date after all, was supplying me with a chance to wear them.
I met this dude for the date at a wine store tasting.
I knew intuitively even before arriving that I needed to not focus on if he was gonna be a “superstar” and really just take notice of what I liked or learned.
It was meant to be a short date, a meet and greet, if you will. Thanksgiving was arriving and with it the hustle and bustle, so we agreed to keep it short.
I met the guy at the door, he had already ordered himself up a glass of wine…he still was shaky, but did manage a smile and a difficult hug (ease?).
What did I like so far?
That this wine store had “WINE.“
Secondly, I liked the ambiance.
He walked me around and said he had a wine group he hosted there, enough so that the owner came over to us. Found the third thing I liked, 2 of the three owners own one of my fave wine places in Silverlake.
First thing I learned, was just because someone has their name on a wine label as an importer, doesn’t actually mean he’s an authority on what actually tastes good.
I fell in love more with Castelvetrano olives, once again!
Learned not all Beaujolais Nouveau are created the same…hmmm, what else?
My date explained how he brewed his own beer and now he loves wine. No more beer brewing for him. his reasons were many, starting with his ex-wife. She bought him his first brewing kit and decided she hated the smell of beer brewing, which he mentioned with a bit of disdain. Hmmm. He said beer brewing was a bit frustrating, cuz you get one little speck of yeast in it or your bottles smell like bleach and you’re screwed.
I also liked tasting one of my favorite things: manchego cheese.
Now I did pay attention to how the conversation flowed or didn’t in this case.
We had hiking in common. That was good. Ummm….what else?
After talking to the sommelier, I learned I may just embark on a new hobby, becoming a sommelier!!! “How fun!” Perhaps, I could become a level 1 or 2 just to take my curious self on a new adventure!
Anyone wanna join me?
So..as you can see, I learned A LOT and I liked A LOT.
I’ve learned to take a chance by saying yes, even when I much prefer staying in my yoga pants! I always know I’ll learn something or find something to like, and my date did teach me a couple of things too! He was a nice guy, just not for me and with my intention of ease, our conversation and the no chemistry meant, without a doubt, it did not fall into that category.
It still wasn’t a bad way to spend an hour.
We meet people.
We fall in love.
We may just meet a new friend.
Co-workers, bosses, subordinates, anywhere and everywhere we go, we relate or don’t.
People insinuate themselves in our lives, times marches on and we go from “brand new” to married, best friends, professional relationships, etc…
We develop expectations with the relationship, unspoken or spoken.
Do we speak the same language? Are we peanut butter and jam or are we peanut butter and parsley?
When we aren’t peanut butter and jam or peanut butter & peanut butter or whatever your taste, we run into problems. We may do what we can over and over, but nothing seems to change…the same issues remain, while we wait for the other person to “get it.”
They don’t, or perhaps, they twist themselves into a pretzel and become what we want….temporarily. We just ain’t relating where we’re understood.
What does this apply to:
1. Dating. When we’re dating we want to meet someone who gets us, that we’re attracted to, etc…and sometimes we meet someone who we’re physically attracted to, but who we might butt heads with…and we think, “Ok, I like these qualities, but can’t stand those other qualities, so I’ll settle right here.” This pile of undesirable qualities may include ways of understanding someone that differ; meaning I have a filter for my view of reality and what works for me…and so do you. They may be different and remain different, based on how we each receive information.
We try to make peanut butter and ham work, but we’re forever speaking different languages. What we ignore in the beginning, comes back to haunt us.
The same applies when someone disappears. Do we need to take it personally? Nope. The person who disappeared may have thought it was more like a peanut butter and asparagus sandwich rather than peanut butter and jam. They’ve saved us a painful road ahead and wouldn’t it be great to build a better sandwich with someone who’s ability to receive and deliver information is closer to our own?
2. Business “On the Job.” We don’t usually get to choose the people we work with, unless of course, we’re in charge of hiring. Sometimes, it becomes clear very rapidly that someone is difficult for us to communicate with…and perhaps, we think they’re wrong and we’re right. We may think they’re a jerk or some other label, which is one-dimensional. It’s not necessarily true, they may have a completely different perception on “everything” or items of “critical” importance than how we see it.
We may be stubborn and they may match us. It’s usually a great idea to notice the differences and try to understand them, as we would if we just landed in a country and didn’t understand the language. Have a conversation about neither being wrong, but each style being different….and then see what naturally comes about. There are times, that no matter how talented someone is, it’s peanut butter and liverwurst…the environment really doesn’t suit them and there’s no flexibility.
If we’re the one hiring, it’s prudent to recognize if we ask someone to perform a task and it always comes back incorrect or done differently than asked, that we need to take a deeper look rather than get angry.
The subordinate may be trying very hard to fulfill the request, but hears us through their filters. They may have heard us differently or imagined what we’re saying to need to be formed into what they can understand and do. It then becomes a challenge, because two languages are spoken and as the boss, a decision must be made to figure out if the “way” of doing something is worth trying to train the individual or letting go to find someone who speaks the same language.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t work on bridging a gap, but sometimes it’s better to recognize the relationship is the type of work that is so draining, it creates a value deficit.
3. Friends/Family. There are friends for a different reason, season or a lifetime, right? Family….we’re pretty much without choice…but we can choose how we approach them. There are always going to be relationships in which we don’t see eye to eye, but why beat that person up or ourselves? It’s pointless and solves nothing. If we stop and really listen to what someone is saying, we can understand what they’re trying to do. Meaning, if someone felt invisible in the family, perhaps they’re insinuating themselves in the middle of everyone’s business, so as not to be left out or the person who has an opinion that is out in left field may be trying to prove that they aren’t enough.
If we listen, we can really hear….and not that it takes one person to make a great sandwich, but we can find our common bond, our link to one another….if we really pay attention. It’s not to say that we can speak in everyone’s language, but we can begin to not take others personally and realize they’re doing the best they can too.
Sometimes it seems impossible to shake a feeling. Perhaps, it’s a feeling of dread or something missing, which makes us feel off-balance or slightly funky. We may look outside of us for the answer.
The answer is actually within us, which should be a relief. Either our emotional state is giving us a hint or a feeling needs to be released.
I used to get hooked into an emotion. Why was I feeling what I was feeling? Who or what was causing it? It was sort of like a ticking time bomb, one I kept thinking would create an explosion. If I gave power to it, it did….and usually, I would take someone else down with it too.
If I was having a relationship or had someone in my life and felt funk-a-delic, I would think it was something about them…instead of, MY feelings about them. I may have a feeling I was attaching to this person from something very old inside of me…an old belief. I was looking at the person as the trigger and wanting them to take the funk away.
It doesn’t work that way. People can temporarily take away our funkiness, but they can’t resolve it for us. If we choose to see emotions as a passing wave through us, we can allow them to not be labeled as a truth or something with meaning. We can understand that it’s just an experience with a beginning and an end.
If we become fearful of the experience of our own emotions, we will create more stories to be stuck in and more than likely create an undesired outcome somewhere in our lives. It really is about us and not other people.
If we look at our emotional state, as a sign of something not at peace within us and giving us a hint that perhaps our actions, thoughts and goals are not in alignment, we may discover within us a key. The key may open the door to vulnerability, to something we have been keeping behind an energetic wall, instead of being at one with our truth.
I know when I start to feel separate, angry or needy…I want answers. I know that there is something I am doing, which is not serving me and therefore, it is up to me and not someone else to open up in me. I must be willing to face what I am hiding and give myself the gift of changing direction, perception or understanding.
I know my emotions don’t own me, they don’t dictate my life….they sometimes serve as a reminder of where I used to be and where I am now. I no longer fight against them to not feel a certain way, I just let em’ flow….and whether they give me an answer or dissipate, it no longer means I am my emotions, my thoughts or anything, which can change in the blink of an eye.
If you want to feel freedom from an emotional lockdown, get out of hiding and let your feelings flow…if there is something in the flow, which is eye-catching or heart stopping open to it and see what it has to tell you. At that point, you have a choice and choice gives us freedom, so get out of the emotional prison and start living….freely, vulnerably and happily. (Yes, happiness comes from allowing the emotions to flow and not holding them in a box)
Often, we approach things with an attitude of CAN DO, when it comes to our goals. We say we’re going for it….and yet, how in alignment are our actions with the goal we want to achieve?
Sometimes, we have a goal that we think everyone will approve of and yet, we’re not really all that high on it!
And other times, even if we consciously believe we can get to the goal…our subconscious projects failure. Have you ever had that happen? Me too.
It sucks, because we start off with a CAN DO attitude and run into a problem, then we allow that problem to consume us or stop us. The reason the problem becomes an obstacle is our subconscious places it there…it projects it outwards.
Our subconscious is used to running the show, undercover. It learned about our place in the world at a very young age, it has been setting up our limitations ever since…and so, when we go beyond our current capacity, we receive pushback from our subconscious. It finds ways to make us stop; it’s how we sabotage ourselves.
I posted a quote on my FB page yesterday, “Until you make the unconscious, conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” ~Carl Jung
And until we really gain some clarity, about our thoughts and behaviors, we will continue to stay in a loop….always finding the same issues and never moving past them.
I remember sitting with a crappy feeling recently, it was in relationship to another change I was making, I realized my feeling this way was an indication of the resistance my subconscious was creating to try and keep me safe (and unhappy). Our subconscious operates on these patterns, because it is protecting us.
We give so much meaning to these feelings of resistance that we go out and create failure to support them! Watch how your behavior aligns with those cruddy feelings….and the sense of relief you get when you fail. Seriously, there is a sense of relief that now you’re off the hook. On the other hand, it gives you more ammunition to not rise back up and go forth toward your goal…
The key is to place awareness on the feelings of resistance, realize your subconscious will look for things in your environment to become an obstacle to your goal…it looks for the familiar and that’s where your focus will be…it’ll be on “this always happens” or “nothing looks different,” even though I am working my ass off! That is YOUR subconscious, it’s an illusion…all you have to do is get clear on this…see it, know it and then in spite of what it looks like…GO FORTH!
When we reach new levels of change with ourselves, we must understand there will be new ceilings to bust through, it is an ongoing process, because our subconscious will always look for what is familiar, safe and keep us stuck there as long as we allow it….AND…
If we have goals that we don’t want, but someone told us would be good for us…this can keep us in a place of PURPOSELY projecting obstacles into our path. Looking at our goals and getting clear on if we want them or we’re just trying to do what is expected will allow us to come to a choice. When we come to the choice, just be aware that if we’re used to pleasing everyone else….it’ll feel like a HUGE resistance to actually go against the “expectation,” but when we do…we’re really forging our own road to happiness.
Want happiness, freedom, success? Abundance? Start placing awareness inside of yourself…pay attention and see how your thoughts, feelings and behaviors end up in your life….all around you. What we do in one area, we usually do in another area!
If you would like to get out of your own way and want some help getting there, please email me, I am here to help. Tracy AT Tracycrossley dot com
Many of us say we want things to be different in our lives, but the loss of the familiar is way too scary.
We can stay stuck for years in non-movement, making excuses and feeling crappy. The main reason we stay there, beyond losing the familiar is we don’t know how to proceed. What’s the best course? Is there a course?
There is and it’s in our hearts. We have the map RIGHT THERE. We just have to listen and follow it, rather than analyzing, agonizing and getting stuck in our heads.
We are SO AFRAID of change, we create a life of regret. How many people stay stuck in jobs and relationships, which make them miserable? Perhaps, they’ve compartmentalized themselves so much that they block out the misery and are just numb!
Whatever bulls**t we tell ourselves, is so we can remain in the same place, never growing, expanding and really loving ourselves. The key is to be afraid, very afraid and do it anyway.
Often, we think we can walk away and close a door to someone or a situation without really allowing ourselves to feel. For some of us, we pack it away and say, “I am gonna push my way through or be SO strong that I overpower all of my emotions!”
That ain’t strength and it isn’t authentic and it leads us further away from transformation.
Transformation requires surrender, it means to stop the struggle. Yet, as people walk the ring of fire in transformation they struggle to maintain the old; the familiar.
I know from all parts of my life what transformation really does: it’s letting go of what we grasp. Letting a new process or new way of being, becomes the way for us to expand.
In my business, I’ve struggled with finding the right coach for me. I’m a straight shooter and I find in my industry that quite a few people (not all) follow a pattern of sales, which is disturbing to me. Often, it doesn’t allow you to get what the coach really offers….there’s a promise of transformation, but it isn’t clear on how they help you. It’s hard to get intimate enough to know if it’s a solid fit.
It requires me to know two things, first I have to open myself to knowing that hiring a coach is scary, it means transformation, so I have to be aware of any possible resistance that I’m unaware of on my part (what excuses do I have to not hire them) and secondly, what’s the cost to me if I don’t hire someone to help me, to shine a light on my blind spots, so I get where I need to go?
It’s the same thing when it comes to love.
First, we have to trust ourselves to honor our boundaries and not try to please or manipulate to get what we want….and secondly, it means to become vulnerable and allow someone else to see all parts to us, because when we do, we’ve accomplished transformation. Otherwise, to remain cut off, invulnerable and being stuck in a non-loving position creates ailments across the board….and it begs the question, what is the cost to us, if we don’t allow?
None of this is as easy as writing it, because our old beliefs would like us to stay with the familiar (even if it sucks) will keep us stuck, trying to convince us to remain as we are….
Clarity in our motivation and understanding along with desire creating action to transform–is AWARENESS and the seeds to TRANSFORM. Forget talking, it’s about dancing with the unknown, stepping out of our way and embracing all that we are and will become.
Recently, I had anxiety, something which has become totally unfamiliar to me. I woke up on my birthday with it and after being in the theater watching Gravity (becoming claustrophobic, experiencing motion sickness), I had to walk out and get air. I had a friend mention all the change I was creating in my life…and I said, “yeah,” as though that wasn’t it. It wasn’t til I woke the next day feeling crazy, thinking I was losing my mind that it hit me. I wrote down all the overwhelm and my fears with change… I realized my thoughts were trying to sabotage me. My subconscious was trying to keep me stuck and unable to go forth…
Why do I share, because fear is insidious and when you’re prepared to transform, your mind will throw everything it can in the way of changing the familiar.
If you want help with transforming your life to one of pleasure, peace, happiness and overall acceptance…call me or join my newest program, I love helping others to gain the awareness/strength to LIVE THEIR DREAMS!
I used to be a BIG believer that you could find the same thing for less, whether it was getting a designer dress on sale or a decent mechanic.
I also used to have almost no wealth consciousness or basically, “a general level of scarcity.”
I never understood why people paid a lot of money for certain things, when less expensive items/services were just as good. I figured some people were just into making a statement with a label or they had something ostentatious to draw attention to their success.
It wasn’t until I really started getting my own value, that I understood the differences in spending money. There is investing money and spending it frivolously. One is related to abundance and the other to scarcity.
We each possess an inherent value in relation to money. Some of us work for w-a-y less than our REAL worth and some of us are paid for OUR value. We may complain or feel stuck earning far less than we deserve; we’re not happy, BUT IT’S OUR CHOICE. We live in fear and settle.
When we’re too afraid to leave behind that, which does not really serve us financially and we hold on for dear life, because we feel it’s too much risk to go for what we truly want…we’re not living.
In a place of surviving for a paycheck, we live in scarcity. If we don’t spend money, because we’re afraid that we won’t have enough…we’re putting ourselves in a permanent “time-out,” as though we’re serving a penance (this is different than saving for a house or car or something we want)…
On the other side of existing for a paycheck, we stay in scarcity by spending money frivolously. We piss it away trying to escape the pain of half-living! We may live paycheck to paycheck and never get out of this vicious cycle.
In having my own business now and coming from having put myself through the 9 circles of hell financially, I speak from a perspective of value equals abundance and unworthiness equals scarcity.
As I grew to value myself, I became more abundant.
Abundant in how I see myself, others and life in general. As I grew, I started charging more for my services. I realized when I didn’t charge my value, I’d feel tired, and not as focused, it was like a heavy weight to me to work for less than my worth (and if you’re just earning a paycheck–you know this feeling). Now, I only give specials, which are in complete alignment with abundance and me energetically.
I don’t actually help someone by charging them less, I instead, further enable their scarcity.
When I started charging more, I was afraid to spend any money.
I would cringe and get anxious, every time a friend of mine told me to buy myself something (considering I hadn’t bought myself a decent outfit in 5 years, this was almost ridiculous). When I finally decided to, I made it fun! Only buying what I truly loved and that it MUST reflect the HAPPINESS inside of me! Totally in opposition to my old scarcity!
What we spend money on and the feeling we have about it is a direct reflection to the relationship we have with ourselves. If we feel we’re worth it, we may spend money on what deeply pleases us or help us to grow.
When someone pays for a coaching package with me, I know they feel worthy of the commitment they’re making! And if someone struggles with the money commitment and decides not to–but needs it, then the question is…“what is it costing YOU if you don’t invest?”
When we really value ourselves, we may get a bit scared with getting out of our comfort zone in our financial spending and goals, but it’s the only way we truly grow.
Wanna be rich? Value equals Abundance is key!
Spend to invest in ourselves–our happiness. Whether it is a house, a purse, a coaching package, a vacation–it reflects our inner world.
I pay others their full value. I NEVER would have in the past and yet, as I sit on the eve of making a MAJOR life decision, by forking over a very large chunk of change to hire a coach for my business…I know I could offer no less for myself or the value I receive for the service.
We get what we pay for and if we pay someone for a service who doesn’t value themselves enough, it’s reflected back to us in how we don’t value ourselves. The Universe keeps us in direct alignment with each other. If I make a quantum leap, so do my clients and vice versa.
GET UNCOMFORTABLE–BECOME ABUNDANT! SCARE YOURSELF AND LOVE IT, you’ll be so much happier!