You Can Speculate About Him Or Her….

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Until the cows come home.

Mind reading 101.

It is a complete and total waste of time.

Dealing with someone who doesn’t speak truth or who’s actions don’t match their words? So, tiring.

The entire situation, in which, we feel we’re always left scratching our head, when it comes to someone we love, who practices no consistency, shows up and ships out, or isn’t honest about their intentions….can make a person feel crazy!

Why do people come into our lives who say they love us to pieces, give us words as a lifeline, but then do a 180 degree turn and disappear for days/weeks/months or put major distance between us?

It’s called emotional unavailability.

FEAR is at the base, but it goes unrecognized, even with all the anxiety or panic brought on when someone gets too close … the person who is outwardly unavailable isn’t examining why they are pulling away…they just need to go!

You or me, we are inwardly unavailable. We feel this is as good as we can do, or this is our value…what we deserve based on fear related to a belief, which we’ve probably had for many years.

Whether it is someone who we have a revolving door relationship with, or a yo-yo, or some other toy description…this relationship feels toxic.

There are warning signs in the beginning, but we often miss them. We may not want to be alone, we may have low self-esteem or something, which makes us susceptible to the charms of a person who cannot emotionally commit.

We analyze the crap out of what the person says, what he or she must be thinking and of course the un-matching actions. We ask our friends, neighbors, relatives. We look online, pick up a ton of books and spend way too much time thinking about it.

We need help here, don’t we?

The issue in having a relationship with someone who is a yo-yo, they come close and then they back off, or out and we take it personally. We think there is something wrong with us.

And yes, there is something wrong with us (and it’s not what you think), we’re looking in the wrong direction or at the wrong characteristics to get to the root of the issue.

The place to look is in the mirror. When we focus on their doing or lack of doing, coming and going, saying words that sound like a commitment, but are only meant to keep us hanging in the balance…we can get caught up in it, so we stop looking at ourselves.

When this person returns (again) into our lives, after vacating the premises momentarily or for a long period of time, we may become easily convinced through their renewed presence that there is more meaning to it than actually is shown. We may be given breadcrumbs, but look for the deeper meaning, after all they keep showing back up!

The situation we’re in is not easy to break. We may romanticize the dysfunction and take responsibility for the fact that the relationship falls apart, but that is not the place to find out truth. The truth is in our “why,” we may be so convinced that no one will ever love of us more, or at all. We may be convinced our needs are excessive, because we weren’t valued when we were younger.

Now we must find our truth, and re-focus.

Take our focus off this person who rips our heart out each time they go, and learn what it is that keeps us attached. Sit with the anxiety, the unease–the auto-pilot thoughts which tell us we aren’t worthy…what is underneath it?

As we focus less on the other person, more on ourselves and opening our heart….truly moving away from the emotional unavailability within us and recognizing our fear, we start on a new journey leading us to having the relationship we truly want. It takes time, it takes effort–but it is all within us to change the trajectory.

You can email me at Tracy AT tracycrossley dot com or sign up for Complimentary Relationship Session. I am also having a free Teleseminar in August, you can get details and sign up here: FREE Teleseminar.

Power of Being Alone

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Before anyone gets the wrong idea, this isn’t about growing older as an individual with 12 cats, and watching TV for a sole source of entertainment for the rest of anyone’s life!

This is about STOPPING THE SACRIFICE and where our true power lies within us.

I talk to so many people who are stuck in shitty relationships everyday. Did I say, SHITTY? Yep, I did.

The sacrifices people make to stay for crumbs contains no “good enough,” excuse. The problem isn’t in the reasons we give to ourselves or others, it’s the belief we have of what is possible for us and our fears around it.

The following is a short list of what I hear from not just one person, but several; it isn’t an anomaly:

1. Long term relationships (marriage) where sex stopped years ago and it’s a roommate or friendly enough situation, that one can pretend to co-exist in by having enough other distractions available to them to make it bearable. (and if there is a lifestyle to be maintained with or without kids….people will put up with far worse and say its okay)

2. Relationships that are not based on a commitment to each other, although one person is definitely committed (and the other is supposedly torturing them)…and he or she stays committed even after the other person is out of their life.

3. Long term relationships, in which, it is a sexually open one and one person is cool with it while the other has grown a ton of resentment.

4. Being trapped in a relationship, because someone threatens suicide every time their partner thinks of leaving.

5. Living in a fantasy of the current mate suddenly turning into the partner of their dreams.

6. One partner being a parent to the other, so both are stuck in a disempowered and codependent situation. There is a great deal of anger and resentment, which comes as passive aggressive behavior or just passive….or just aggressive.

7. Staying in a relationship that is loveless…..while being in love with someone else.

8. Having some characteristics that are tolerable in a relationship, but fighting with oneself everyday to make those characteristics enough to stay.

9. My personal favorite and one I painfully experienced…the yo-yo relationship, the push/pull, the get close for a moment and be separated for days syndrome. The I love you so much, but can only be with you in limited amounts of time, or my head might explode from the intimacy…or happiness, or “insert word here.”

Again, this is just a short summary of all the ways we keep ourselves stuck in relationships, which are anything BUT based on LOVEThese relationships are about attachment, validation and fears from being alone, or being seen by others as a horrible person, parent or individual. 

Some of these people may fantasize about being alone and at the same time, feel drawn to staying in a loveless situation.

If we want to figure out why they are putting up with such shitty circumstances, all we have to do is look at some of the following:

1. Models–how did our parents (or step-parent) treat each other when we were growing up?

2. How were we treated? Were we not given much emotional connection–were we shown love?

3. Did we swear to do the opposite of how our parents acted in relationships?

4. Did we promise we wouldn’t be like mom or dad and rebelled to the other extreme?

As children we soaked up this knowledge and in most cases, it was not a conscious effort…it was through our subconscious that we learned the rules…just like eating with a fork and a knife. This also means all the things we didn’t want, are enmeshed in our subconscious too, based on the modeling of the adults in our environment.

Many people hope something magical will come along, like another person (or death of the mate) and rescue them. They set a time in the future when they think it will be okay to walk away, except they never do.

Here’s the deal. The power is in being alone when it comes to a choice between having a relationship that is sucking our life energy away, or to choose ourselves. In choosing us, we have the freedom to discover why we were attached, why the other person or relationship held the key to our validation as a person and learn where our most basic fear of abandonment lives to solve the issues.

We can prolong these UNCHANGING situations, but the key is to start getting real. The thoughts we have around being alone and relationships will continue to be the same unless we do something different.

Being alone is not a forever statement. It is a beginning. The power lies in not just the learning of our painful beliefs, but in making decisions that are supportive of who we are, and away from the trajectory of keeping a shitty relationship together.

Sleeping in two separate bedrooms, or together with walls between us is a far worse fate than spreading out on a king size bed alone. There at least is an opportunity for someone to join us someday. And in the meantime, we get to CREATE a super-juicy life experience.

Seriously, whatever we’ve held back from doing while engaged in these relationships is no longer an obstacle, once we find the courage to own our life.

Power of Submission

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I thought the title was more catchy than the power of acceptance, but really….the opposite of resistance, is submission.

And in the context of power, the submission is not necessarily to another person, but to the circumstances as they are, and not how we want them to be.

What we resist, persists.

I speak with people all the time. many remind me of how I approached change with myself. I would seek out help, and then decide somewhere in there that I could just do it on my own. I could save myself time and money…and get there just as quick! After all, who knows me better than me?

Well…yeah. My resistance was not helping me, and as someone pointed out, if I went on my own, it would take me far longer to get where I wanted to go…and she was right.

I was still a bit of a control freak. I thought I was open, but I wanted it all to be my way. I thought I could immerse myself in books, here someone speak and change. Except, it took me a long time, because I was only grasping things intellectually.

To change our lives on a deeper level, we have to submit to change…to things being different than our familiar way of our patterns.

I can hear it when I am speaking to some people, who swear up and down, they cannot handle their circumstances anymore, but at the same time they want to defend their stance.They resist a different path.

Whenever we think of change, we want to be at the end result, the goal. We hope change will come in the middle of the night while we’re sleeping and we haven’t had to go thru any struggle or questions surrounding our actions….basically, we want change to just slip in the backdoor.

Instead, we resist the very things we want in life.

We say we want to be with our soulmate…

We say we want a great relationship….

We say we to understand ourselves better…

We say we want to be happy…

And so on.

As long as we do not submit to what is and accept it, whether it means we must forge ahead with change, or allow our circumstances to remain without trying to change other people then our resistance will continue and what we don’t want will continue……until we just can’t stand it anymore…

And then…we may be able to talk ourselves into numbing out to stay in a state of resistance. We can distract ourselves. We can numb out, or only express frustration and anger at certain moments…and then go right back into the state of quiet battle.

Sacrifice is not submission, it is another way of denying change. To submit is power. It says, my battle is not with life or someone, I accept all that is and hold myself responsible, so that I can create the life I want.

When we are not focused on the resistance, we can create. Our lives are a creation, so why not make our lives about being in a flow to go where we want?

Say “okay,” to what others want. It doesn’t mean, we do what they want or even think it’s a great idea; it just means we’ve acknowledged what they want and we are allowing them to do that without our resistance.

I spent a lot of time in my younger years helping people, who said they wanted my advice. I would get so frustrated when they wouldn’t follow it. I’d want to change their lives for them, or get them to do the right thing in my eyes….it took me a long time to understand, it’s not my decision…their life belongs to them no matter what my perception was of their actions.

When we perceive someone as wrong, or want to control another’s actions, we’re not living our life. We’re resisting our life, by ignoring it and what we need to do for ourselves. When we gossip, we’re in a state of resistance.

One way to tell, is the physical feeling that comes from the energy held in resistance. Everything feels tighter, tense and heavy. When we let go and submit to what is, we feel lighter, happier and able to see more clearly…so we can create our lives.

The more we submit, the more we create and the more we say okay to change. The inertia we feel or the walls we have around us, are meant to be broken through…if we allow them to remain, we won’t really change (or it may take us 50 years longer if we do it ourselves), we’ll keep doing things the same old way and read a book–thinking we now get it and we’ll continue in a state of resisting life.

 

 

 

Power of Simplicity

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As human beings, we tend to complicate things in our minds, far more than is ever necessary.

We do it for a variety of reasons, here are a few:

  • Appearances–so we can show others we’re really muddling through, worrying and/or working hard.
  • Stagnation–so we can remain stuck without making a decision from hours to years.
  • Remain commitment-free–getting so mired in our fears, so we complicate a situation or potential relationship, and never commit.
  • Avoidance–of anything, which requires vulnerability, or letting our guard down, including fun, relaxation, breaking our own rules, etc.
  • Staying out of the present moment–living in the past or the future, our thoughts can keep us from truly being in the experience of the moment.

We take what is simple, give it a label and make a big deal out of it! We remain in our mini-dramas daily.

Look at falling in love. Love is always there, as is the air we breathe. We attach all sorts of meaning and expectations to love and we are never satisfied. Love is as much a feeling, as it is an action. If we were to get past the complex minutia of our “shoulds,” which we feel must be met, BEFORE we act in loving ways, we’d be a lot happier.

How about ordering off a menu in a restaurant, how difficult can we make it?

Even better, trying to figure out the psychology of a stranger. “Why did that dude just cut me off in traffic? What an asshole! If I can catch up to him, I’m gonna flip him off!” Why do we spend this time avoiding, complicating and making a BIG deal out of nothing?

Fear.

If we keep things simple, it means we don’t overreact, avoid, stay stuck, look like we’re uber busy, or keep up the appearance that we’re happy with our loneliness, etc…we have to face ourselves and de-clutter our lives!

In the simplicity of nature, where I often get lost. In fact, I could be left there for days and be quite content. There is a connection we all have to the earth, we go through several gyrations or complicated activities, to find the same peace, as what we can feel walking through a forest or being with the waves of the ocean.

In meditation, we can find the same simplicity, once we quiet our noisy minds of the grocery list, or any other things, which become so important that we place their priority above the simplicity of spending a few minutes meditating.

Spending time with animals, or away from technology…..all of these concepts lead us back to simplicity. It means being with ourselves, it also means we may feel out of control. The more crap we have to deal with the more control some of us believe we have over our lives. The less crap…the more empty spaces that may make us nervous and anxious to fill.

We may complain about the complicated lives we lead, but to give up an inch of that, which can keep us enthralled would mean forging a whole new way of being.

Simplicity at it’s core is inner peace personified. The power of it is immense, when it comes to being in control of our inner world. When we drop the complex thoughts and drama, disowning the need to fill our heads with crap that doesn’t need our energy or time, we have an opportunity to connect.

We can connect with ourselves more fully, once we get over the hump of what will happen to us if we have nothing to worry about, obsess over, or be angry about, and when that happens, so does the magic.

We have space to allow the new to greet us. Life can flow without us making an ordeal over nothing. We will be able to engage in the present being with our finest moments. Enjoying others, and the beauty of those connections, helps to set the foundation for living longer, happier lives.

Stopping to smell the roses, leads to more gratitude, creativity, happiness and fulfillment–we find ourselves in the midst of more abundance than we thought possible. Ever notice when we’re mulling over some complicated issue, the minute we take action and focus on something like gardening, walking, talking with a friend, relaxing our minds in any way….we often get the answer we had spent hours trying to figure out.

Simplicity is the cure for what ails our overly-complicated strategies, to-do lists and expectations.

 

 

 

Power of Change

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Stagnation. Settling. Stuck-ville.

This is the norm for many of us. We may say we want more, get excited or angry about our circumstances, but hold onto it, rather than take a step toward change.

“Don’t wait for the right answer and the golden path to present themselves. This is precisely why you’re stuck. Starting without seeing the end is difficult, so we often wait until we see the end, scanning relentlessly for the right way, the best way and the perfect way. The way to get unstuck is to start down the wrong path, right now. Step by step, page by page, interaction by interaction. As you start moving, you can’t help but improve, can’t help but incrementally find yourself getting back toward your north star. You might not end up with perfect, but it’s significantly more valuable than being stuck. Don’t just start. Continue. Shift. Repeat.” ~ Seth Godin

Often when people contact me, they believe they are looking to change their circumstances. Or so they think. Until they are actually in the hot seat of having a path toward change, then many people find excuses to stay just where they are!

Change scares the bajeezus out of many of us!!!!

It’s never about the time or money, because let’s face it when we want to buy some new outfit, car, or even a house…we will find a way, if we want it bad enough! But when it comes to change, we will find excuses until the cows come home!

The key to change, as in, when most of us finally are open to the power of change, happens when we reach this point:

“When our current situation, is no longer an option, we can finally move in a different direction.”

The issue with waiting for our circumstances to be so horrible that we can no longer distract ourselves, or find comfort anywhere else, is that it is an extreme stance on keeping things the same. It’s keeping things stuck where they are, because of the fear of loss being so much greater. 

When we spend days, months and years, sacrificing, complaining and finding others to commiserate, who help us to stay stuck…we are in the process of creating regret for all the time wasted, because of our FEAR OF CHANGE.

I provide free 20 minute consultations on relationships. Most people indicate they want to work with me at the end. People get a lot out of those sessions, BUT when I mention the money to continue working together, whether it is $3.00 or several times that amount…I know, it’s an opportunity for an excuse IF THE PERSON has NOT gotten to the point, where they can NO longer live the way they are living.

Plus, after a 20 minute session, they feel they have the fuel to carry them to change on their own (at least for a few hours or a few days)….except they don’t, nothing really changes, except their growing discontent and pain.

Many of them are living in a ton of pain already, BUT prefer it to change. They have hope that somehow, some way, by waiting, holding their ground or some other form of stagnation things will miraculously work out how they want, especially in the area of love and relationships.

The Power Of Change is an opportunity.

Yes, it is unknown, if we are choosing to do something completely different than what is our usual comfort zone….we have NO IDEA what the outcome will be….

And that is what keeps us stuck, no assurance that we’ll have what we want….so we’ll stick with the shitty situation we got!

I remember when I was stuck in a relationship, I felt a connection, so strong and unbreakable that it made me NUTS! I wanted to cut it off, and did several times, but allowed it to keep coming back around several times. One day, I decided I was going to grow in this situation by COMMITTING TO MYSELF and taking risks.

My risk was not only asking myself, “What would love do,” as opposed to anger and annihilation, but what would be the most loving gesture for me to do, for me, right now? And in doing this, which made me anxious as hell, freaked out that I was losing control (even though it was to use guilt or reminding someone how much they hurt me, etc)…I had to navigate new waters.

I could not continue to waste time, energy and emotion staying stuck. The power in changing was massive. Not only did I learn to love myself, I found that when I soar ahead, either those who are also growing come along for the ride and those, who like to be stuck, stay put.

Seriously, staying stuck for the benefit of others, will NEVER GET US WHAT WE WANT!

EVER.

Finding the power in change, releases us to live more in alignment with our truth. We get closer to our dreams, in fact, where we felt it was impossible, it becomes possible!

Things stay impossible, because of our refusal to move ourselves in a different direction.

If you’re ready to change your relationship circumstances now, please contact me for a complimentary 20 minute relationship makeover session.

Please email to schedule info@Tracycrossley.com 

Power of Happiness

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“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” – Dale Carnegie

Many of us think of happiness as a fleeting image. We are at an amusement park, on vacation or some other entertaining venue or event, which induces us to be in a state of happiness.

The power of real happiness has little to do with our environment or circumstances. It is a daily choice.

For years, I kept waiting for the day to come when I could be happy. I thought it meant clearing away all the heaviness inside of me. I figured I had too many “shoulds,” in my life that came before happiness, until I discovered that happiness is there even when life feels like it’s not cooperating.

In choosing happiness, it’s to choose well-being. It’s to acknowledge all parts within ourselves in harmonizing or at least, being copacetic with each other. The internal battle is not being fought, because one part of me is not trying to banish the other parts.

To get rid of any part of ourselves doesn’t contribute to wholeness. In happiness, it is to know things aren’t always in complete agreement, but it is to trust that they can co-exist without there being a struggle. Control is not necessary when it comes to the outside or other people, happiness is felt in letting go.

Even when I have things going on in my personal or professional life that I want to be more satisfactory than they currently are, I make a choice. I can either go down the road of feeling futility, disappointed or just wrung out. Or, I decide to focus on something that feels good, even if it is allowing myself to sit for 5 minutes and reconnect to me and what I want.

If we make our minds up to be happy rather than concerned about things, which are problematic, we may actually come out with better solutions when the time is right.

How many of us spend hours wasted on thinking of a future problem, something in which we currently have no power to change or solve, and come to find that it was all a waste of “thinking, or obsessing?” It pays off to set our minds to happier thoughts, rather than the familiarity of the punishment in our thinking.

Some of us feel we must only think of solving problems. If there’s not a problem , we’ll create one.

It’s something to keep us in our comfort zone of familiarity. Choosing to think happier thoughts, requires effort. It is not easy to shift, but when we start thinking we’re okay as we are, that life is okay as it is and that whatever happens around us is okay too, we automatically become happier.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

Creative thinking comes from letting go of the type of thoughts, which weigh us down. When we start to feel heavy, holding the reins emotionally, we can change the direction. We can acknowledge whatever is making us feel like mud and still choose to re-focus on creating more well-being.

If we want to manifest the best life possible, it pays to focus on what we want rather than on what isn’t working. The more creative we are, the greater our sense of well-being.

When we are in this lighter, more buoyant space with our emotional state, our actions can more easily match to carry us to the goals we say we want. Sometimes, our actions must come first and then the change of thoughts will follow.

For myself, it really is about shifting what I am doing. If I start to feel crappy for any reason, I ask myself do I want to dwell here? The familiarity of the old wallowing feelings start to surface and I literally have to disengage and ask myself, what would give me joy right now? What would be in alignment with my goals? And I shift into action first, I start writing or doing something creative. If my thoughts move first, I look at something, such as my vision board, or think of what I want. Anything to break up the downward spiral…and re-focus on my sense of well-being.

The more connected we are to all parts of ourselves, the less we lose touch with that sense of good feelings in ourselves. Even if we’re momentarily thrown for a loop, the happiness we have at the base of our feelings, never really goes away.

 

 

Power of Gratitude V

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Sometimes I hear, “Have an Attitude of Gratitude,” with the purpose of helping me manifest what I want; have more peace, feel more open and overall, less frustrated with my current lot in life.

And at those times, when I’m most frustrated, I find it difficult to really step out of my comfort zone with it’s revolving thoughts! It’s a merry-go-round in my head! Trying to figure out why, I’m stuck in a place once again, in which, I’ve visited many times, over several years.

Now most people can relate to frustration being a difficult emotion to step out of and stop, cold turkey.

There is a certain comfort to old thoughts and lashing out at the Universe, as to why things are once again headed in an unwelcome direction. I know, because I’ve found it the most challenging time to have any gratitude for anything.

Most negative emotions can wrap us up in their clutches, making it feel impossible to be released.

We don’t get relief, so easily as to just say words of gratitude, oh no! It’s the same thing with positive affirmations, even if the words come out of our mouth, does it match our truth? Does it match our energy, our intention, our feelings?

Just saying words with no real meaning attached to it, gives us no power. It keeps us powerless, especially if the force of our anger or unhappiness is behind it.

In some of my more recent challenges, the ones, which I didn’t understand their significance or reoccurrence, I discovered something new. I came to understand my value.

People can say how wonderful we are, they can slather us in praise, and we can even look in the mirror and say, “Hmmm…not bad,” but these sentiments are not necessarily indicative of how we value ourselves.

In the past, I believed I had to work super hard to get value. I also believed that everything in my life had happened as either a reflection of me or that it was a lesson I wasn’t getting! This trifecta of thoughts would come up every time a past result, seemed to be my present outcome. I’d think of how I handled it differently, how I acted differently and how I thought differently, so how could this possibly be happening?

It dawned on me one day.

Deep inside, I felt, I did not deserve my circumstances, that in this particular event, I embraced my value. I saw where I was responsible, where I had done everything I could think of and it still had poor results. This was not a reflection of me at all. I stopped beating myself up with those recurring thoughts and felt peace.

And what does this have to do with the power of gratitude?

In the realization of my own value, came an opening. All the responsibility I carried for the external circumstances, the outcome, of all that occurred, had dropped from my shoulders. The barriers of blame, I held against the Universe and myself started to crumble. I was able to feel my way into gratitude.

Gratitude is about the present moment, not the future. When it comes to being personally-empowered, all we can be connected to in the mind, body, spirit department is now.

We can be grateful for what is and where we are today. When we value ourselves, our gratitude is clearer and less tinged with what we don’t have in the moment.

If we take a few minutes to really look at a situation, in which we’re held hostage and feel gratitude is the last place we can actually touch, it’s important to stop for a second and ask ourselves, “Have I done everything, I believe can be done in this situation, with the knowledge I have right now?” If the answer is yes, (and it usually is when we’re frustrated), then seeing where we’re applying unnecessary pressure on ourselves for the present situation to be different is key.

Where does that come from?

Once we see why we need the validation of a situation to turn out right, we can gain clarity on our actions and our value. Once we really start honoring our value, we can feel grateful for exactly what is in our lives. We can look at the frustrating situation and know that it’s teaching us gratitude. It’s taught us that there is freedom from the murkiness of believing life has done us wrong, or we’re wrong.

I can be grateful right now for all that is in my life. It allows me to be accepting, and not in such a hurry. I can look at the past and feel thankful for the experiences, which have brought to the place of value I feel in myself.

The power of true gratitude is a feeling of softening, because it connects us to a greater source than ourselves. We’re not so worried and caught up in what might never happen.

Gratitude allows us to connect to our creativity. When we are in this space of freedom, connecting to the creative within us, it opens a door to new thought. We gain a new approach and an opportunity to lessen the intensity of our circumstances, enough so, that our actions coming from gratitude can lead us to a completely different place than we are today.

Thanking every experience and person, past or present for their contribution to helping us discover our true value, places us squarely in an empowered space.

Links to the four other posts in this series:

The Power Of Presence

The Power Of Balance

The Power of Abundance

The Power of Insecurities