Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about….or so the saying goes….
Here’s the thing, we tend to treat others we don’t know in a way that is not our most natural state.
We’re usually trying to figure out where they stand or who they are before we let ourselves really show up, if at all. From strangers to blind dates…to acquaintances at a party, we may wear a different mask for each and decide to not give our true selves the spotlight.
If we’re going on a date with someone “new” (or first few dates) and we treat them as someone who would be important in our life, how good would that feel? We’d be fully present to our time together with that unknown potential and being okay with not knowing the outcome. Instead of focusing on safe subjects, the proper way to act to get another date or scare them off…what if we focus on connecting from our truest, most open self?
What if we allow our true selves to shine through with everyone we meet? Saying what we mean, doing what we want do, and feeling comfortable in our skin is a benefit to us all. It’s the only path to no regrets, no what ifs…and no second-guessing. Could we treat others importantly whether our time together is a minute or years? What do we have to lose?
Starting off being fully present and engaged…as though this is a life-long connection we’re creating without attachment to where it goes or how it turns out creates the most authentic of beginnings.
I thought about that when I went on a date, whether it turned out we were a match or not; I decided I wanted to feel good and special, so I made sure I stayed totally open. I wanted to experience being fully present and accepting things about this man that in the past, I may have ruled him out with a list that looked something like this (some are ridiculous, but it illustrates the point most of us won’t admit):
1. Mmmm…height-wise not up to the average I look for, so that I can wear my four inch heels.
2. He wore Uggs on our date in the rain.
3. He started talking about holistic health, as something too “woo woo” for him.
4. He never really asked me any questions about myself, I volunteered information, as I felt I wanted to share. (I accounted for the fact that he seemed nervous and eager to impress)
5. He asked strangers if one of them had pulled the other’s finger, because the thunder was so loud…it sounded like someone farted.
Now here’s the thing…
I noticed these items, but I chose differently.
Instead of ruling him out or putting up walls….I stayed open. As most people who want or are in a long term relationship are aware, none of these on their own are a deal-breaker. If I’m being kind to myself and to my partner in the future, it won’t be based on what he wears or his height. I also know that one date will not tell me the truth of who he is and how he acts in relationships and it’s okay, to not know where this is going, if anywhere.
Unfortunately, many people who’ve been single have a list of ironclad first date deal-breakers, this rigidity is what will keep someone alone.
In treating him, as someone important to me (even for just the length of the date), I had a different connection with him. I looked at him as just a guy, someone who is giving me the gift of his time and sharing with me whatever he felt like bringing to the date.
In the past, I would’ve blocked or only allowed certain aspects of me to be present, waiting to see if I wanted another date or hoping I performed well, so there’d be another date.
Being real, loving ourselves and others right here, just in the moments we have to share can lead to all sorts of discoveries, fulfilling interaction and the possibility of long-lasting relationships.
Experience tells us a story. It lets us know we are doing the right thing or definitely going the wrong direction, or is it?
The problem with experience is depending on what our core beliefs are (I am wrong, I’m bad, I’m unworthy, etc), we may only see it the past as a totality. “This didn’t work last time,” “I have been hurt in the past, ain’t no way I’m letting it happen again!” And so on….
Then…despite our mental protestations we go for it and end up in the same exact circumstances once again!!! Or even worse, we do what we can to avoid the past from happening right now, only to find here we are once again!!
Soooo frustrating, right? To our chagrin, we seem to be in some bizarre Groundhog’s day that we can’t seem to retrace our steps, as to how we arrived at this place…and yet here we are AGAIN!
The hardest concept to recognize is that it’s not our outer circumstances that are the issue…it’s all in our perception. Period.
What we perceive as possible for ourselves is our set point. In our deepest beliefs, we think we deserve to feel the way we do about ourselves, our accomplishments, defeats and our lives!
How can we change this set point and get of this Merry-go-round?
Here are three ways to start today…
1. Next time you make a mistake or make a decision that turns bad, pay attention to your reaction. What are you saying to yourself? If you notice you’re speaking in a way you’d never talk to another human being–what are you ACTUALLY saying…what is the meaning? Stop and get clear, it’s a clue as to what you believe…and what you believe is what you achieve. If you think you’re unlovable and no one will treat you, because it always happens, then guess what? You will keep creating it until you address that belief and take action.
2. Wipe the slate clean by changing your perception of the past. Stop seeing it as black and white, realize if you remain in a protected state, you will only draw things to yourself to protect against…and if you approach everything from the perception of past experiences, you are still acting in the same ways you did in the past….which means: YOU ARE RE-CREATING THE PAST IN THE PRESENT. Recognize, it’s a different time, place, people, situations, etc…and yes, it can be different.
3. Just because circumstances look familiar, doesn’t mean you need to attach the same meaning to it that you did the last time. It’s a way of remaining invulnerable…and if you remain invulnerable, you will most definitely create negative circumstances. So…..open up! Be real. Feel your feelings, insecurities, whatever…and express them. The more vulnerable you become the less likely you are to personalize what happens outside of you. Yes, you actually become clearer and that leads us to number 4….
4. You don’t have to personalize the situation and make it about yourself. See it from an objective place, be the observer…is there a difference, does it really look the same or are you wanting it to be the same, so you can tell yourself….”See, I told you so!” and then you can go right back into your shell and stay there until the next temptation comes along and you sorta kinda try again!
It’s your life, so don’t feel like your trapped in a movie repeating the same days/cycles over and over!!! You can make it different, it’s all in how you feel it and see it!
We all have moments where something is making us think we can’t do it or we’re just not good enough.
The longer we stay in that state the more time we have to actually confirm the belief and REALLY the last thing we want to do IS perpetuate those limiting beliefs!
Here are 4 ways to immediately become more confident now.
1. Say f**k it. Just say it….breathe it in and realize there ain’t nothing that’s so much bigger than you or me, which requires any of us to stay small. If we don’t bring home the prize this time, life doesn’t end…there’s always opportunity, so the more you, me and everyone else says f**k it….the more we all stay open to ALOT more OPPORTUNITIES!!
2. Detach from all outcomes. We can’t control them anyway, so why do we get down on ourselves when things don’t go exactly as planned? Be in the moment with your eye on what you’d like to create or build more of, but don’t get hooked into it happening in a certain way or fitting into a picture of how you believe the final picture needs to look.
3. Stop picking yourself apart and be cool with you, as you are….as in, when you’re comfortable in your own skin no matter what’s happening, that is true confidence. Make a mistake? Handle it with grace, by being kind to yourself…showing yourself respect and value. Learn, grow and embrace where you are right now. The minute you relax and accept yourself, people will notice the difference….and most of all you’ll feel it!
4. No one is better than you. Sure, someone may have more knowledge or experience on a subject or a situation, but that doesn’t mean you have to compare yourself to them. You are where you are…and that’s okay. You may want to be somewhere else with more experience under your belt, but that is another day. It’s far more easier to JUST BE HERE in TODAY and not worry about anyone else or what you don’t know…..forget the competition, focus on you, learn from what is around you and go for what will take you where you want to go…just remember you are okay just as you are and where you are!
Gotta take some action and shift a stuck perception
- Say “no” to what does not belong to you. Don’t take on other’s stuff that they’re not willing to deal with and make it your own. Give it up, give it back and say “NO,” watch as resentment disappears.
- Screw guilt in not taking on what doesn’t belong to you. The minute you think or feel guilt for valuing yourself, stop take a breath in and focus on loving kindness circulating through your veins.
- Release what died. Stop keeping a taxidermied replica of whatever relationship it is that you haven’t let go of and give it a proper burial. Moving on comes in stages, but at least for yourself accept what is now passed on to another stage and let go….free your hands up to hug yourself.
- Things don’t change when you continue to keep the same perception about them. Try looking at something outside of your current view. Allow yourself to detach emotionally, if only for a moment to see other possibilities. Do this often and you’ll start to see your world open up!
- Every time you go to complain, to someone or out loud, pause for a moment and ask yourself what is really going on? What are you not getting right now, specifically? And what is the benefit of complaining? In the best circumstances you may want to believe you have not coerced others to do your bidding, but when you complain, you may not give much of a choice to someone. Especially, if they’re a recipient of your displeasure. They may feel they can’t catch a break and stop trying. When you have clarity on your complaints, you can start to do things differently. If you don’t like something in your living environment, change it….if you are not crazy about how you’re treated in your relationship…get clear on the real issue, make sure you’re treating you with a lot of love and then speak your truth. If it still doesn’t bring you together, then consider finding someone who does want to wear the same jersey.
I was thinking of a condensed list to start your day off successfully.
If you practice these daily, you will find over time that everything in your life starts to look more like a bright, shiny object that you really,really like—even if it is old. You will also find that things get easier and goals come quicker.
Here are the 5 things to start your day off on the right foot.
- When you go to bed the night before, right before you conk out visualize a goal in your life. As you visualize the goal, feel it through your body, as though it is already happening for you. Feel it, smile and know that you’re not in Oz….but when you wake the next day, you’ve set your subconscious to look for opportunities to fulfill the goal.
- If you set your alarm to wake up, set it 5-10 minutes early. Turn it off, but lay there and visualize your day in the most positive way. If potential problems have filtered there way into your mind, take this time and just be with them. This is one of your clearest points in the day, before distractions start and you are fully awake, so take advantage of your inner clarity.
- Exercise in the morning. This sets your day straight, because you actually have more energy and focus once you do…it allows you to accomplish more with a bounce in your step.
- Take your time. When you are rushed to get to work or start your day, you set the tone for what follows. No matter what is happening, you can take the time to take a deep breath and consciously slow your pace.
- Write in your journal. Personally, I write in my gratitude journal first thing in the morning, so I feel more in alignment with myself and appreciative of life, even on less rosy mornings. If you don’t keep a gratitude journal, try writing for a few minutes about a topic that you’ve been avoiding. Don’t try to finish the topic and come up with a solution now, allow it to just be as it is. When you return to your journal and see the topic the next day, you will definitely have a different perspective on the subject.
All of these tips are meant to lighten your morning load and start your day off in a much more harmonious fashion. Watch what happens after one week of practicing each of these 5 things and let me know the results, I bet you’ll be surprised!!!
Tracy AT tracycrossley dot com
Yep, this is the time of year when everyone shares their resolutions, hopes and other long list’s of to-dos.
Perhaps, you may have even assembled a “bucket list?” Well….welcome to my “f**k it list.”
Taking life too seriously, leaves little space for new, exciting adventures to make their way in our lives….so, if we wanna LIVE LARGE, and feel the freedom, excitement and make a dream or two happen…..
Then put these on YOUR F**K IT LIST (and of course feel free to add your own items)
- Strategizing to keep the status quo. Keeps misery alive rather than letting the cards fall where they may by becoming honest with ourselves. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
- Spending energy trying to convince someone else of…well…..anything.
- Assuming. F**k assuming, it’s mental energy spent assessing something that we do not have a shred of evidence to support, but believe we have ESP powers to read someone else’s mind or intentions. Get a mirror and look at your own intentions instead!
- Lying. Poke my eyes out, please…all lies come back to haunt us in some way, shape or form. ESPECIALLY the lies we tell ourselves. Decades can go by believing our own lies. Find the voice inside who wants you to live!
- Bullshit. People who want to convince us that if we don’t sniff their glue, drink their koolaid, listen to some talking head or something else SUPA DUPA IMPORTANT to them….somehow we, our family or our business/job will suffer. CHOICE is a beautiful thing, trust yourself to know what is best for you, then take action!
- Playing nice. Just be real. REAL. If we feel we have to dance around in a tutu to distract others from getting to know us…try getting naked, warts and all. Speak the truth always, in the kindest way possible!
- Being uptight. Oh sigh. Why bother? Is there an award for being tightly wrapped? Do we get something for the stress, anxiety and mental-torture we put ourselves through? Oh hell no! Validation or approval from others is pointless. Fill that empty space inside of you with some lovin’ from you!! Jump back and kiss yourself!
- Fear as a soul-sucking monotone voice that blocks you from taking that risk! What if the sky falls? What if I make a mistake? What if I end up homeless? We can’t control anything outside of us, so if we at least take the risk, we get the confidence that WE CAN, plus the adventure and to feel alive!!! So Just Do IT!!
- Blame. Please stop. Thank you.
- Being Angry all the time, because we refuse to do anything to change what pisses us off…and this does what for us? Makes us self-righteous? Better than the rest? Anger is from our allowing people and situations outside of us to control us and we usually do this in the hope of getting something from it. And when we don’t get what we want…resentment takes over and makes us do weird shit in over the top ways that leaves others scratching their heads as to our actions. So stop screaming at strangers who you believe are inconsiderate. Stop overreacting when YOU ASSUME your lover is doing something to you (because that stupid movie of the past is playing in your head). It’s time to do some soul searching and see what you want…and then go about fulfilling it without forcing anyone to make it better for you…and don’t do things for others in the form of trying to get something…and when you start doing weird shit, check yourself and stop mid-sentence or mid-action…ask is this what I want?
- Whiners and complainers. People who get a jolly kick from ruminating over ANYTHING. My daughters likes the housewives shows …these groups of women find everything to whine and complain about–not my form of entertainment. Remember like attracts like and water seeks its own level…so you wanna feel better, go for the higher ground, look at the vicious cycle and stop talking until you know WHY you’re talking.
- Punishment and Suffering or giving up Martyrdom/Victimization: Forget the handcuffs unless they’re furry (HA!)! Taking responsibility for our lives gives us the freedom to create, even if there is pain attached to it, we choose the HOW we want to see it. Be playful in any situation (good, bad, sick, sad or ugly) no matter what and don’t take it personally! HAVE FUN!!!!!
- Guilt, Worry, Excuses….this is a triad of hell. Guilt motivates inauthentic actions as we try to rid ourselves of it. Worry–what’s gonna happen will happen. Excuses–the things we tell others and ourselves, so we can stay stuck in the comfort zone of the living dead. F**K all of them and BE FREE!