Want Real Love? Get Out of Your Own Way.

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All of our issues begin and end with ourselves.

Many of us want to place our entire focus on the other person, what they do right or wrong. Whether it’s a first date or a long term relationship, we believe if the other person would just stop or start to do something, all problems will be solved.

It reminds me of every time a new law is made, people think they have solved all the issues, but new ones crop up, almost immediately.

Love has absolutely nothing to do with someone acting in accordance with our idea of who they should be.

The human condition is not consistent. Life is inconsistent, so when looking outside of oneself for the responsibility in how things are we become powerless.

If we want real love, it’s been said several times, we must be love. Hard to do 24/7, but if we can practice it just a bit, we will create different relationship dynamics.

If we enter a relationship lacking self-awareness, thinking it’s the outside world, or the person rescuing us as our prince or princess charming, then eventually….we’ll blame them for all that doesn’t work. We may even delude ourselves into thinking all is okay when our communication with the other is not truthful.

Keeping up a pretense is never the road to love.

If we come out of a relationship blaming the other person for their ineptitude in some capacity, for its downfall, we need to take a deep look within and ask where we did NOT speak our truth, ACT in our truth or made CHOICES against our truth. If we do not do this, we will bring the past forward and have more relationships lacking love.

If we don’t have boundaries, which respect us first….our mate will not respect us.

Expectations, in which someone must  fulfill us will lead to disappointment. No one can reach inside of us and heal our pain. Only we can and it’s our perception, which keeps us there. Love doesn’t mean fixing someone else; it’s impossible.

If we’re treated in a way we don’t like, it’s our responsibility if we choose to remain in that ‘position’……

Meaning….

By taking no action or staying silent (waiting for someone to get it or playing the martyr–so there’s ammunition to beat him or her up with) then where’s the love?” It’s a game of victimhood.

In speaking our truth about how we wish to be treated (this is NOT a demand), we MUST treat ourselves in this respectful manner.

Let’s say our mate is always late, do we derive some pleasure out of it, because we know we can use it against them or guilt them into acting a certain way toward us? While also stewing on the frustration of waiting or the anger/hurt of feeling our time not valued? All of this is about ourselves THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.

We aren’t respecting or taking care of ourselves by playing victim, love is nowhere in sight and inevitably when we play victim/martyr, they will further disrespect us.

Some may argue to take any action means we’re trying to teach this person a lesson. Not true.

In speaking our truth, about him/her being late, while setting clear boundaries, “I will only wait 15 minutes, because I have to take care of myself and I don’t want to be angry,” and following those spoken words with action…we may feel odd at first–perhaps guilty, but we’ll end up feeling good, because we got out of our way, regardless of what the other person chooses to do. When our actions don’t punish the other person, because our happiness is the focus (not them), it will eventually lead to a choice point.

The choice point means, if the treatment we receive isn’t to our liking and we’re taking care of ourselves, we decide if we want to remain. This is not a reaction or a lesson to the other person, it’s deciding we want to have someone treat us, as well as we treat ourselves.

We cannot coerce someone to do our bidding, nor can any guilt trip continuously control the other person. They’ll fall off the wagon, if they’re just pleasing us to stop our complaining, or keep us around…..and then we’re stuck in the vicious cycle.

It’s always about ourselves, our happiness is our concern….and if we’re paying attention to self-love by setting boundaries, being clear about our actions and words, so they match our truth, then we’ll find our focus is not on changing the other person to suit us. It’s about loving ourselves and them, rather than manipulation and anger, whether we remain or go. And with that love, we make better choices.

Don’t You Want My Life?

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Have you ever wanted someone else’s existence? Thought their grass was greener than your grass?

Or, perhaps, you may have idolized someone and been disappointed to find, they really don’t have the life you thought? They turned out to be just plain, ole, human beings.

I recently had a conversation with a professional peer, who I didn’t idealize or think, “Gee I want her life,” only to be asked by her, if that is indeed what I desired. Now not to take it completely out of context, but if you know me….you would know that no matter how challenging my life is, how unbearable it has felt at times…I have never wished to be someone else  or ‘have their life.’

So many of us can look to others, as having found the secret to success, the way to living an amazing existence and wonder what is wrong with us? Why can’t we replicate it, or how come we always seem to fall short?

Yeah….so, here’s the thing. Every single person on the planet, puts his or her pants on pretty much the same way, unless you’re this guy:

We each can appear to have our sh*t together, when in actuality our thoughts really don’t match–ALL THE TIME. An individual can look at me and think I am 1000 steps ahead of them in some capacity and not see where I may be 1000 steps behind them too.

When this peer made the statement to me, I then told her, “I don’t know you or the entire picture of your life; I don’t get why you think I would want it?” Comparison is the thief of joy and when we constantly look at someone as having it easier, better or knowing something we don’t….we’re screwed.

It ceases to be an inside job; it’s all about keeping up. It’s not just a comparison, or a competition, it also takes away our self-acceptance for all of who we are and ability to live in the moment.

Self-acceptance and authenticity are nothing to do with external circumstances, so even if we achieve the same goals as someone else, unless we’re doing it from a place of being motivated by our own joy, passion and desires….we’re trying to live someone else’s life.

We can look to someone and see a goal they have achieved and want to accomplish it too. Although, how they did it, may not actually work for us. Their ‘how’ is personal to them. We have to strike out onto our own path, while making sure that where we’re headed has real meaning for us.

There is no one-size fits all on living the ‘right’ life.

In a society that says “look at me, look at me…aren’t I special? Aren’t I the life you want to live?” it is not the whole story. It’s a snapshot, perhaps one dressed up in a beautiful evening gown or an expensive car or something, which when you get right down to it, has little bearing on inner fulfillment–if that is all there is in the life being displayed.

We can have it all, if that is what we truly desire, but for it to feel successful, it must resonate with our truth.

As a mentor coach, I don’t have an ideal life. Things aren’t perfect and there are days I wake up, working my way through a funkiness or obstacle. I don’t live with a smile on my face 24/7 (especially if you see me driving) and things don’t always work out how I would like them to…

BUT, unlike the person who asked me the ‘title’ question, what is important to me and for anyone who chooses to work with me, is that I don’t want anyone to emulate my life. I want to offer tools to people to live their authenticity, to be their truth……to accept themselves and whatever the heck it is that will make them happy, without living by the expectations of someone or something else.

If we look to others to find ourselves, let’s make it useful, instead of something we can bash ourselves with by not measuring up. If we look to them for inspiration, but not perfection…or even better, we look to them to reflect back characteristics of ourselves ‘who we are’….‘what we do’  and perhaps see our truth more clearly…then we can feel connected to our own power.

 

 

 

What Your underwear Says About You.

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If we really, really want something to change.

If we really, really want to manifest good things in our life to give ourselves joy, and bring the impossible to us….

Then we need to look at our underwear.

Really.

Many of us don’t place a lot of importance on our undergarments, because we don’t get the relationship or significance it has to how we actually feel about ourselves and what we deserve.

I was talking to one of my clients, about caring for oneself and all the ways we really live in scarcity.

Where we scrimp and compromise for ‘okay’ or ‘good enough’, and perhaps, even give little thought to how we shortchange ourselves. As she and I discussed the lack of caring that went into how dressing for the gym or even for bed, was really a reflection of how we feel about ourselves….

I brought up underwear.

Not her underwear specifically, but how for many of us, especially the ones who are single and sleep alone (and for the married couples who have no intimacy, etc), we figure no one is seeing them, so who cares, right?

We see them in our drawer and are basically saying to ourselves, we’ll buy new undergarments when we have someone in our life who would appreciate it or some other excuse. Do we realize what we’re saying to ourselves, when we don’t treat ourselves as someone we love?

Many of us treat people we love a helluva lot better than we do ourselves, which means there is usually a deficit. It’s out of balance; in truth, we can only give what we have plenty of or it is a sacrifice.  One that eventually turns to resentment, since no one can ever appreciate us enough to make up for sacrifice. We have to value ourselves first, so we’re not thinking the only way to be loved is through people pleasing sacrifice.  We have to fill up our loving cup first, which means what does our underwear look like? It’s a reflection. 

If our partner has holey underwear….what do we think?

Okay, so back to my client who happens to be a nurse. In our ‘underwear’ conversation, she said “You wouldn’t believe some of the underwear I see coming into the hospital, not in a million years!” And I asked her, “What do you feel about the person when you see their underwear? What sort of identity or characteristics do you associate with them?”

She and I discussed it. She said on a first impression, she felt sorry for them, perhaps they were lonely, mistreated in some way or just didn’t care anymore. Exactly.

We all make a judgment call when observing others….negative or positive, we do it. What would our underwear reflect to others, as a statement of our inner world? Scarcity or abundance?

Even if we say we’re not settling; we believe we’re loving ourselves and being kind, ...what does our underwear say? 

Is it in alignment with our goals?

Does it reflect our true feelings about what we deserve?

Are we so used to robbing Peter to pay Paul for the one thing we deem more important than another–instead of understanding how it impacts the overall picture? When we sacrifice or give away something to gain something…it is not done from a ‘there is plenty to go around’ perspective. We’re living in some form of scarcity in our lives. It is not fluent; it’s fragmented. Value is value.

If we want to manifest the impossible, we need to see where we deny ourselves what is possible, right now.

What do we pay no heed to in the way we treat ourselves, showing our brains what we deserve? What are we waiting for–a sign, a nod of approval, meeting someone new, or winning the lottery? Look where we say we don’t care; where we will blow it off today as not being important, as something we’ll instead, worry about in the future and today, we can change it, we can start giving to ourselves right here.

Checking out our underwear…..our hygiene…..our outer self–how we care for us; does it reflect the inner scarcity or the inner abundance?

What does it say we deserve?

When we fill our loving cup, we know that there is always more….that we have it to give, because we’re not looking for validation or saving pennies to buy new underwear for a rainy day.

Changing our underwear can change our lives!

Change and What We Really Truly Want–Can It Be?

Seasons Change

In my line of work, people show up on my doorstep ‘wanting’ change in their lives.

We talk about it, perhaps they even sign up for some mentoring sessions. What happens next is indicative of how committed this person is to change.

How much do we really want change?

Some of my clients, past and present, are just looking for a new way to manipulate others and their environment, so they don’t really have to change.

Others are so committed to taking action and yet, still refrain from moving too fast, or too much in the direction they truly want to go….and so, a tremendous amount of push and pull exists inside of each one.

It’s not that there’s something wrong with an individual….it’s how deeply we’re in fear of the unknown and how committed we are to struggle, sacrifice and expectations.

If a person is ‘really’ desiring change, it helps to have someone like me to provide a flashlight into the darkness; a different perspective and accountability (though not as an authority figure, because it’s not about inspiring MORE guilt).

What does all this mean?

Change is a bitch. We can wallow in pain, commit to struggle–hoping we’ll win the battle; the biggest obstacle to change is we get caught up in our own and others’ expectations…and thrive on that validation. In the case of the unknown, we don’t know what will happen if we change;  we cannot control the circumstances, so we stay right where we are…..and wake up each day with a sense of safety and feeling crappy at the same time.

I know this paradox, I’ve found myself there before….and felt I couldn’t relinquish certain things, until I had enough pain, enough struggle and in turn, no longer gave a shit what I would lose or what the unknown would provide….I was just ready for different….better….and to really live my truth.

Many of us will just complain or think ‘this is just how I am’ and stay there until our last day.

Our truth is who we are beneath all the beliefs, we developed over the years.

We started our life in that truth.

We were exposed to an environment and gave the words/actions of others in those early years, ‘meaning’.

Whether we observed their interactions with others, or how we were treated and then we decided (because we have an innate physiology to belong) to ‘act’ in ways that would bring us love, attention, validation, etc…we developed these strategies and figured they were a part of us. “I will bring home straight A’s, because I get attention, love and validation. I will rebel, because I don’t want to end up like my Mom or Dad.” And so on.

We carry this forth and create new beliefs on top of these flimsy beliefs. We re-create the same situations over and over, because it’s how we learned to survive. These beliefs make our worlds smaller the older we get.

Reading my words and others, self-help books, etc….can help to light the spark, but it only takes us so far.

Many of us will just keep reading words we agree with, which make us feel better for a moment and yet, won’t do anything that scares us (by taking action) to commit to what we say we want.  We hold back. We find that the comfort zone of being stuck is good enough for now, we can keep surviving it.

We may start working with a coach, mentor or therapist and drop after a few sessions, thinking ‘we got this’ or nothing is working (NOTHING WILL WORK, IF WE ‘OURSELVES’ TAKE NO ACTION) and the truth is it’s our own resistance. It’s what we’re willing to risk through taking different action; it’s how we’re willing to be open to our own happiness and it’s that we can handle the loss that it will surely bring.

What if we change so much and our partner stays the same? Is the relationship done?

Loss is not always in the form of another person leaving; it may be the disappointment we feel others will have, because we’ve let them down. Fearing loss of validation for the ‘self’ we built to be accepted and loved; it’s the loss of this facade we fear, because who will we be then?

Many of us have carefully constructed personas…the perfect family man, the exceptional business woman, the good mom, the single guy, the marrying type, etc… and as miserable as we’re in the roles ‘we’ created, we’ll stay in resistance to any change to them, until the pain of living in it, exceeds the pain and fear of change.

To change we have to commit, it’s not a matter of getting others on board. We are responsible for ourselves, period.

We need help in getting there, real help–but we have to be open to it.

If we’re going to argue and be resistant to someone helping us, then we’re not ready (so don’t do it), because we can’t hear and seek approval that we’re perfect where we are, therefore we resist help. We’re too smart to be unaware, or missing something. We know it all. And if this is the case, why are we stuck? Why do we try to portray something we don’t feel deep down inside?

Because change is scary and admitting that we have a problem with how we live is even scarier.

We can do it on our own, but it’s a longer and harder road…..(I’ve done it alone and believed “I’m so transformative, I’m so enlightened, etc…”) and it’s harder to call bullshit on ourselves.

In planning new year’s resolutions, please keep asking: “How committed am I to change?” “How committed am I to losing control of this image, of possible relationships, of how others perceive me?” “How uncomfortable am I willing to be, because I have to TAKE ACTION, not just read or think about it?”

And if we cannot answers those questions, in 100% commitment, then we’re just not ready to really go where we want…….yet. There’s no linear path, there’s no accountability, there’s no beating ourselves up to provide an answer. It really comes back to the pain of where we are right now NOT outweighing the pain/fear of where we want to be…..

Who’s a victim? Not me.

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People get uncomfortable, when addressing a few tactics they have to gain attention, or ways they blame other people for the state of their affairs or how they constantly wait for someone to show up or take action; they cringe, because I bring up the word victim. No one wants to see themselves as a victim.

No one.

There’s a certain power in being a victim.

A way to seemingly control others.

Our society constantly invokes victimization as the way to live.

Specifically, if we’re not paying attention, we end up on the drama triangle (the three points are the victim, rescuer and perpetrator). Most soap operas, love songs, fairy tales and movies have the triangle as the story arc and we get hooked into thinking this is some sort of reality; we buy into it.

And….just for fun….when we’re on this triangle, we usually switch points, sometimes we’re rescuer in the same situation or persecutor with the same person.

Unfortunately, living as a victim is something many of us do unconsciously. 

It shows up insidiously.

In deriving a strange pleasure from someone mistreating us, we get oddly excited (if we’re honest), because we’re getting our power back from them.

We induce guilt. Guilt is a master manipulator. Manipulation gives a false sense of control. Next time, pay attention to someone ‘fucking-up’ and how we now feel we can punish them for what they have done. Sound familiar?

It’s really a painful way to live, usually we’re completely oblivious to this being a pattern…we think it’s just ‘how we feel.’

It’s a cycle, in which, we think, ‘if only they would change, or I’m always waiting for them to do blah, blah, blah,’ except, we don’t really want them to, it would defeat the purpose of us being able to stay as a victim…‘poor us’ against this brute of a human being.

Being a victim is a strategy. We learned it when we were young. It’s a way of getting something, attention, or blaming someone (or something) else for how we feel. If we hold something outside of us accountable, we falsely believe, we’ll feel better than if we take responsibility.

As a kid, it helped in getting love, attention, value, or to not be abandoned…though, these were just strategies, GIVING the ‘appearance’ of having power.

Many of us still use the same strategies, we had as small children…we’ve had years of re-affirming beliefs about ourselves, which keep us locked into this victim dynamic.

In reality, we should not try to wield power over another.

Empowerment doesn’t come from others being accountable to us or being locked in a power struggle. We never do have power over anyone or anything permanently. Ever.

Perhaps, we get an apology, or someone tries to make up for being a jerk….we still never really feel fulfilled and the other person, more than likely is sitting on a land mine of resentment toward us. It’s an inauthentic way to live, which means we will always feel shitty and as though, something is missing, almost all the time.

Who does this triangle actually work for and how do we get off?

It works for those who see no other way. And by ‘it works’ what I mean, is they continue to survive their lives, never really living. Their voice is null and void, unless it’s whining, complaining, manipulating or looking at us as though we just beat up a puppy. This is not happiness…and it’s not the road there either.

The first action is to hold ourselves accountable. Screw holding anyone else (even if they do what we want today—tomorrow they can do something else-WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE) accountable. Look at where we blame someone else for a shitty situation. What is our part? Why do we allow it? What are we really trying to get? And what do we want outside of us to change?

The second action is to ACCEPT. Look at everything as it is, good, bad and ugly. Just say OKAY, because wishing it or someone would change–is like staring at a mountain and wanting it to be a moose.

The third action is keep trying to accept and notice where the resistance inside of us is located. What don’t we like about the situation? Where is that reflected within us? Find the pain. The outside is a reflection of our inner world…whatever we resist, persists…so we start loving ourselves as we are and we feel more peaceful.

The fourth is to see our truth. Where do we lie to ourselves? What makes us think this is the way to survive? Can we see another way by taking responsibility and making choices, in alignment with our heart? Love is always there—the more we love ourselves, the more we can actually listen to our truth.

Fifth action, comes from knowing number 4, 3, 2 and 1. Set boundaries. Decide what is acceptable to us and what we want our life to look like…then, WE MUST LIVE INTO IT. It’s not up to others to respect our boundaries first, it’s up to us. And boundaries are NOT walls or something to beat others up with, boundaries are a statement of our standards for living. Period.

 

The Manifesting List

Ever wonder how the same things continue to show up? Feel like you are stuck in a vicious cycle or keep attracting similar situations?

Check out this list on how you do it and how to gain more control.

  • Whatever we give our attention to, grows.

So, if you want more of it, keep doing it and if you want less, focus elsewhere. Have gratitude for what ‘is’ and focus less on what you wish it would be….watch how more of what you want, actually shows up.

  • Lies are based on a belief that you may lose something or be embarrassed by the truth.

It’s a sign of lack of trust in the self to handle disappointment. Want to really attract amazing people and opportunities, start getting real with yourself and see what you are denying.

  • If you believe that all relationships turn bad or end, you will fulfill that goal. Your subconscious is the map, it tells the conscious mind where to go.

Do you have a negative belief about you or relationships, guess what? The subconscious will fulfill it for you. Instead, get a spotlight to shine on the WHY behind the belief and get uncomfortable, as you take action in a positive direction. (funny, how the words uncomfortable and positive go together) This will create new beliefs.

  • If you believe more good exists inside of you than a voice kicking your butt, the perception you have will make sure the outside will match. (even when negative circumstances arise–you will see it as temporary, not life defining)
  • Engaging in playing games, means sooner or later you’ll end up the loser. Be real.

Authenticity gives your life real meaning. When you play a part, the return on it, never is permanent. Dig deep to find your truth–then act on it, without attachment to the outcome. Most of the time, your results are 9000% better than if you had faked it til you won it.

  • If you don’t believe you have value, you’ll look for situations affirming this belief or create them to show you are indeed, without worth.

Awareness of these core beliefs and questioning their validity will help you to not get triggered into going down the same ol’ road.

  • In loving someone, try to tell your conscious mind it doesn’t mean attachment or expectations are included in the deal.

No one else can fix you or make life better, unless you’re already doing something about it–so even if the love of your life came through the door, nothing would feel one iota better, until you fulfill your own needs first.

  • No matter how much you love someone you cannot stop them from doing self destructive or stupid shit, only they can stop themselves if they want to….or not.

Let go of trying, let go of taking them and their actions personally. You can do nothing to change them, unless they are already doing it themselves.

  • If you really sit with the discomfort inside of you, that you may want someone else to relieve, you’ll find you are your own best medicine.

Stay with the anxiety, the neediness, the emptiness or whatever it is causing you pain. It won’t kill you and you’ll find the temporary relief you get from someone else doesn’t compare to the permanent relief you can offer yourself.

  • Assumptions are dream killers–you can talk yourself out of anything you want (especially if it requires change) just by assuming some story, which may or may not be true.  

If you don’t know, it’s okay, because even if you THOUGHT you knew–most of the time it doesn’t assure the outcome. Spending countless hours analyzing, strategizing and stressing will only lead to more inertia. Action trumps thought, show your ‘mind’ that all assumptions are b.s. and get out there and live your dreams.

This is just a starter EQ (emotional quotient) list. Growing your emotional intelligence will grow your ability to attract amazing people and situations to your personal and professional life.

5 Ways To Empower Your Life For The Better

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Relationships rule our lives.

We may get out of bed each morning, dreading interaction with someone during our upcoming day. We may spend time ruminating over the negative feelings and feel uninspired to believe we can actually change something in the communication or our feelings toward them.

Thinking of the “what ifs,” can disempower us from making any decisions in our daily lives and therefore, we can stay stuck in a monotonous circle.

The only power to change anything in our lives resides within us and requires a shift in our perception of reality. How easy is it to do?

It is only through our deepest desire that we can sustain the energy it takes to empower our relationships and our lives.

Wanting to empower ourselves for a better life takes the following:

Step #1: It takes commitment; we must first understand our level of deserving, before we can truly commit to the process of creating a better life. If we do not feel deep inside (based on our beliefs) that we deserve more than settling or struggle, we need to be aware that we’re in a state of resistance to good ‘easily’ coming our way.

Step #2: It’s not all about us. The thoughts in our head rarely have anything to do with another person’s perception of reality. We assume, we know their intention and why they do what they do, but in reality we don’t and we never will…. even if they tell us.

Why is this the case?

Think about how often our mind changes, how skewed our intention can be from one minute to the next, when emotions influence many of our thoughts. Many people lack the self-awareness to understand that half the stories they tell themselves are b.s. and the individuals with self-awareness need to understand that assuming anything about anyone is just a way of avoiding ourselves.

Step #3: Take responsibility for all thoughts and actions we initiate. This means we have control over our lives, when we place blame outside of us, we become a victim who doesn’t have the tools to ‘create’, because there is always something stopping us. Freeing ourselves from what we try to manipulate or blame will result in an opening of our heart and mind to possibilities (rather than living in the belief that what we want is impossible).

Step #4: Get clear on what we actually want. This comes from knowing who we are, which is actually a question most people cannot answer about themselves. Many of us have been conditioned to believe we are someone else, through whatever strategies we identified with as a matter of survival or gaining attention as a child. We have forgotten what we actually love, where our joy is ignited and may not trust the desires we have are nothing more than a passing fancy.

Showing up in all parts of our lives as the same person, rather than in different roles to suit the player, will bring about a dynamic potency to our vision. The clearer our intention, the better our life will become.

Step #5: Be in the present moment. Not only do we need to know who we are, so we can be clear on what we want…we must also bring our entire selves into the moment. When we’re checked out, we are not empowered and we’re not actually engaged in what we’re doing, how we’re interacting and therefore unable to feel connected.

Removing the compartments and accepting what currently ‘is’ in our lives will allow us to be authentic, to make decisions from a clear, connected and centered place within us. It gives us the opportunity to empower ourselves with our action, words and choices in the current moment—when we are “wholly” present.