Love is a feeling and an action, it is not an anxiety-provoking drama. Before we share it, the commitment is to oneself first and foremost. Only then can we enter into an intimate relationship from a healthy, loving space.
All relationships are distinctly different, but often we compare them to one another. And instead of this bringing us closer, it provokes emotional distance. Judgment. Comparing each relationship can bring out our inner scarcity though and even though we’re emotionally distant, it makes us physically hold on tighter. What if there is no one else?
Comparison is the biggest block to love and keeps us stuck in struggle.
Just as no relationship is alike, neither is the way we act in any relationship. So why do we look at others and think they have some magical potion that we seem unable to conjure up in our own life?
We don’t see the love in ourselves that is already there. We believe it is only outside of us based on how someone else sees us, so when we meet someone, we wonder how this person will feel about us. Our focus in on them and not ourselves.
The older we get, the more experiences we have, even if we recognize it — we may deny an attraction or possibility comparing him or her to someone else. And yet, begrudgingly, or tripping over ourselves, we do it once again, as though some force is pulling us into it, as we fight against it.
Will it be a struggle, painful and soul-crushing, or will it be different this time?
As we move forward and find ourselves in love with another human being, it brings up all kinds of resistance. If we trusted ourselves to handle possible pain or disappointment, all we’d have to know is this: If you really love someone, you’ll never stop surrendering to make it work.
It’s not about comparing the relationship to others, or fighting for it; that indicates the relationship needs rescuing. It’s also not about a willingness to suffer, because that choice is there whether we are in a relationship or not.
The only love worth having is the one worth surrendering for. Anything short of that will be a struggle: right versus wrong, winner vs. loser.
If you aren’t willing to surrender, then you don’t want it enough. And if you think other happy, healthy relationships are not based in love and surrender, then you’re comparing it to a picture that only exists in your head.
If you’re in a relationship for a reason other than love, or if you forgot that love is the reason you’re there, surrendering will be a whole new experience.
It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about love specifically or life in general. If you aren’t willing to surrender to a deeper knowing, then your ego is running the show. You have to be willing to look a fool (it’s just your pride shaming you), and go out of your way to get real with your feelings. Otherwise, you just don’t want it enough.
Here’s the quandary: you may desire it, want it and believe you’re committed to love and your relationship, but many do not know how to commit to love. We know how to commit to winning, to having it our way, and not feeling the deeper emotionally intimate connection love has to offer. In fact, you may even feel you don’t deserve it.
On the one hand you say you want it, but your subconscious sabotages that closeness, that innate craving, and you scratch your head wondering why you’re always in struggle. The truth is you don’t believe you can have what you want without a state of struggle. You think there needs to be a winner and a loser.
And you may compare it to easier moments in past relationships, or to relationships with strangers, to make your position more solid. But this just works against you.
The attachment to the mind rather than the heart destroys relationships. It is when we our core false beliefs based off past experiences run the show; many of us believe we must force our will to be loved, taken care of and truly connected, instead of surrendering to love.
The question becomes: Do you love yourself and the other person enough to step out of your comfort zone and into surrender? If you never surrender to the purpose of the relationship (love), you remain in resistance, repeating your struggle again and again.
Want personal growth, connection and excitement? Surrender. Oh, and don’t confuse that with becoming a doormat. Not the same thing at all.
It can sound scary, but when I speak to clients about what they want deep within, it’s love. If all your actions in a relationship are toward winning, then love is buried.
Love makes the relationship feel like less work because many problems fall away. When you’re not resisting your partner, but instead remembering your love for yourself and for them, it changes how you show up. You feel better and it’s reflected in the actions you choose. Plus you stop comparing yourself to others.
It’s about finding love within and surrendering to that desire, believing we aren’t going to lose ourselves if we back off our position. It’s knowing we can trust ourselves to be connected yet not engulfed.
Now, here’s the part that most people overlook entirely: When you find yourself in an intense struggle, ask “What would love do?” You will feel the tension release and the answer will come independent of the reaction of the other person.
Often we forget the reason we came together in the first place. And when we’ve loved and lost in the past, we may have buried our ability to let love lead.
We may not have had the best role models for love growing up, but we can unlearn those earlier lessons and teach ourselves to live in a state of surrender because it gives us what we crave most… meaning.
Giving meaning to resistance and looking tough, like you won’t take shit from anyone, makes it impossible to feel love. Then we wonder why we feel disconnected, depressed, and lonely.
Ever feel lost or unsure of who you are and the direction to take? In surrendering to the love within, it can guide you in the direction of meaning, connection and fulfillment. But first you have to trust you can do it.
When you take action from a place of love, it grows your trust and your connection with your deeper desires, making that voice in your head less dominant.
Every person deserves to love themselves so much that he or she is willing to surrender to that true desire: a committed, emotionally intimate relationship with another person.
Anytime there’s a winner and loser, no one is happy. So why do we think this formula makes for a healthy relationship? No loser I’ve seen wants to remain that way. They will be resentful, plotting their way to win, even if it’s done in secrecy.
Let yourself surrender… now. Even if the relationship you are in ultimately fails, you want to continue surrendering, because love is within each of us. And when it doesn’t work with another person, we’re still left with the love we’re connected to within us.
There’s nothing to win or lose, only to gain what you’ve been wanting your entire life… love.