Two words that don’t feel good together.
Waiting never feels good on its own. Relationship can feel great.
When used in combination it looks something like this:
-Waiting for our partner to change.
-Waiting for our partner to come home.
-Waiting for our partner to do something (usually something they were supposed to do)
-Waiting for them to be our true partner and be committed.
-Waiting for someone to show up and be our partner.
Quite a list and yet, most of us won’t admit that the word “WAITING” is being used in conjunction with another human being, as though our very life depended on it, right?
We can allow others space to show up in our relationships, but the act of passively waiting or even forcefully waiting is one, which keeps us stuck.
Passively waiting means we watch and do nothing, we’re afraid to move a muscle, because we might lose the other person…and in the case of waiting for someone to show up and be in a relationship with us, we do nothing…we stay home and busy ourselves with anything, but being engaged in our life.
Forcefully waiting means we’re making our unhappiness known through complaining, cajoling, begging, whining and anything focused on forcing the movement of another person.
And it’s hard to stop this cycle. We’re used to it, perhaps it’s how we watched our parents always waiting on the other, to take out the trash, remember a birthday, practice fidelity, make family a priority, show a strong and committed union, etc…
We may find ourselves waiting for someone to call, agree with us, do it our way, be what we want them to be, commit, give us what we want, stop arguing or being defiant, etc…
We figure when the other stops their behavior or decides to join our team than the relationship can really begin. But will it? Or will there be something else we’ll be waiting on?
Guaranteed there will, because WAITING on someone else is a pattern, a cycle of how we are in a relationship.
How do we get out of our own crazy-making?
First, become aware where we are waiting. Being super honest with ourselves, leaving the other person out of it–look within: How am I waiting in terms of this relationship? How am I waiting for a relationship to show up?
Second, write it down. Writing it brings more focus and awareness; it also puts it in black and white action items.
Third, this is scary…what can we do to move actively out of “waiting?” What is there that comes to mind first? And if nothing does, because there’s a growing sensation of discomfort….write down its opposite. Just write it!
Fourth, focus on each column. Let’s say it’s written: “Waiting for Fred to commit.” And the other column states: “Love myself more, actively do things to move toward fulfillment in a relationship that I control, meaning actively engage in being open to dating others, do activities I like without Fred that allow me to meet other like-minded individuals.”
Clearly, it looks easy on paper.
It’s time to get through the muck of emotions keeping us stuck in the rut. It’s not necessary to make an announcement, because it’ll set a level of accountability we may fall way short of in our actions. It makes it too high of a mountain to climb; instead, do a gut check of our level of ability to do one thing leading us out of the comfort zone.
Write a new list of action items, do first, the easy ones to start.
Fifth, take action. Everyday engage in one item on the list. Some days it’s re-engaging in that same item over and over, until we create a new pattern. It takes 21 days to create a new pattern….
Sixth, come from love. Getting in our hearts and out of our heads, softens us. First in applying self-compassion and openness followed by feeling love for the other person. Removing our head is always key, then we’re in the flow.
Remember, it’s about our contentment, happiness and peace in a relationship. The other person always has a choice, and we can’t make it for them. It’s time to let ourselves out of the prison we placed ourselves in by giving our power to another, by waiting for them in any fashion and dance lightly into our own light.
I have a new 13 week relationship program starting June 20th. It’s online and over the phone group coaching, it will be fun and take you through exercises such as this….except you’ll have my support, as well as others in the group. Click here for details.