I was speaking with a friend last week.
He has been married for the past 10 years. We had one of those, “let’s catch-up conversations.”
Our talk meandered in the direction of long term marriages in your 40s. He explained to me that the shared belief among he and his friends, is that marriage is about being comfortable.
Sex once a month to perhaps, 5-6 times a year is the norm for them; marriage is not about excitement, or getting along with your spouse, because that requires honest communication. It’s about the comfort of the routine, some companionship, shared childcare and the financial contribution of two working adults.
He then veered onto the subject of a book, which studied human beings in America in past centuries, when life expectancy was much lower. The average couple was together about 10 years, before one of them kicked the bucket. The surviving spouse might get remarried or not, the point is hardly anyone was married for 50-60 years.
What did all this talk about relationships that are comfortable and boring, BUT lack a best friendship, true connection, real lover, supporter, mean to me?
It was all about excuses to remain in his comfort zone.
We can build a HUGE case for what we settle for in this life. We’ll look for others to back our case, books, friends, authorities or whomever that tells us,” it’s okay to be here!”
My friend mentioned a fear he has: the regret that on his dying day, he’s afraid he won’t have truly lived.
It won’t be about the amazing vacation he did or didn’t take, it’ll be about the opportunities for true happiness, love and fulfillment that he chucked to the side. And believe me, he feels a sense of urgency! As he related to me his concern over peers that lately have been passing away, unexpectedly.
It’s still not enough for him to take a risk. He keeps pushing down his true feelings that something is wrong and sticking with his comfort zone.
When we can’t separate our needs from our neediness; we purposely stay in situations, which don’t allow us to shine (It’s not about signs of outward success–remember, we can escape into our work.), because they take all of our energy to just remain and stay the same.
People who fall into this comfort zone in their relationships have the same fears as many of us, but have a BIGGER FEAR of failure than those that take a risk toward true happiness.
We humas beings can be creatures of comfort and habit.
When we have a strong desire for security, leaving behind our familiar routine and relationship may seem tomfoolery.
Not wanting to end up alone or the seeming impossibility of finding someone else to put up with our idiosyncrasies, may seem daunting to some.
Some people stay because they haven’t worked through their limiting beliefs around a relationship. They may remain with someone who treats them badly, because somewhere inside it’s what they believe they deserve.
All reasons mentioned here or not, come back to one common denominator: FEAR.
The comfort zone offers us the same life, day in and day out…..
It keeps us victims of our CHOSEN circumstances.
We stay in our LIMITING stories of who we think we are and what we believe we are capable of….and AGAIN, I don’t mean what looks successful to others. It’s what FEELS and is fulfilling to us that we eschew, when we look to please someone else, even if it’s an invisible entity we look to for approval or to compete.
No one, and I mean no one can unstick us from our emotional commitment to settling.
What we do regularly within a relationship, helps us maintain the zone. Swallowing our truth, not telling our mate the real feelings we experience and walking on eggshells are all part of it….
The biggest obstacle is US.
It’s how we cut ourselves off from knowing our joy, finding our passion, put off connection and effectively kill our dreams. It’s not about winning the race or being the richest when the driver is not from OUR sense of joy; it’s about getting real and getting rid of our own smoke and mirrors.
I’m going to continue writing this week on getting out of our comfort zone step by step in a relationship, so if you’re ready to put your seatbelt on and free yourself to FEEL to experience a sense of giddiness to accomplishing your dreams then stay tuned!