No apologies; value yourself.

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We demand apologies in our society.

Why do people want an apology when someone clearly is not sorry and doesn’t want to give it?

Does it have some meaning to hear meaningless words?

As a society do we suffer from over-politeness—expected to apologize when we don’t feel regret for our words or actions, so should we do it anyway? We can insert any words besides I am sorry (car door, lollipop, vase, etc) into an apology, when we’re being forced.

I’ve a better idea….how about sticking to being authentic…it has significance and ‘value.’

In our desire to rip an apology from the reluctant hands of the offender, it is to ensure NOTHING changes. NOTHING.

People do NOT like change, especially when it’s associated with loss. (most change means loss of something)

To gain value in yourself, you need to see yourself and others clearly.

If someone hurts you or does something untenable, the first impulse might be to put it all back together again…so nothing changes.

Denial can be alright for a minute or two, but in reality you need to look at what has transpired.

How about apologizing when you’ve done nothing, but just want things to stay the same–hoping it will calm the other person down or he or she won’t blame you for their crappy behavior? Ever experienced this phenomenon?

Elevating yourself while NOT trying to convince someone else of anything you think you deserve is the key.

Let me be clear, by elevating, I mean to take yourself out of the desire to react in an old way; to gain clarity—by rising above it (to see clearly) and looking at the situation as the observer.

When you react to a situation as a victim, it is quite different than saying “I am hurt by this situation” and taking a step back.

Taking a step back to evaluate or let the dust settle, so you can clearly decide what is best for YOU…not the other person(s) is going to lead you in the direction of self-care and empowerment.

Fulfillment equals value.

Value inside means you’re not demanding payment. Instead of demanding a meaningless apology by threatening someone or falling deeper into victimhood, the movement is to care for your own feelings.

Screw meaningless apologies, they change nothing. It’s time to look at reality, the truth and make changes for your own fulfillment.

Some of you may not want to give up on the hope and dreams you have invested in the relationship or situation (personally or professionally) and so action to care for yourself is the last thing you will do.

Valuing yourself is hard to do with other people actively living in your mind. The fear of loss is more important than self-love, until it’s not.

I remember looking for books or other arguments, which supported how I felt, because no one around me understood what was going on with me…and it made me question my value. I needed something outside of me to validate that my feelings are okay.

Stepping out of the role you’ve inhabited–takes an honest appraisal, understanding the way you’ve acted isn’t your TRUE position; it was to get validation. True value cannot be felt through validation from others.

So, what is the bottom line? Give up apologizing, unless you really mean it for an action or word, which you FEEL was a mistake.

Stop waiting for the apologies from the rest of the world, they make no difference to your ultimate value. And recognize that your value is an inside job.

 

You owe me!

FindCenter

I hear this so often from clients: someone CAUSES us pain and therefore we’re owed something.

What is it exactly we’re owed?

Seriously, what do we want from that person? For them to treat us in the way we want? For them to realize we are the Sun in their Universe? What exactly are we wanting here?

I go to the mat with clients on this one, because of the following reasons:

1. We want validation from someone who is unwilling to give it and deprive ourselves by seeing it as outside of us.

2. There is an old need/belief in us that feels empty and we require this other person to fill it and that is impossible.

3. We take others personally and give meaning to the self-absorption the other person has as to mean something about us and our value.

4. We can’t force someone else to talk to us, or show up in a way that soothes our inner beast.

I’ve spent a good chunk of time in a session working with clients who feel like a victim to the words and actions of someone else. They want something and desire commiseration about their situation (usually getting frustrated with me, because I won’t play along). All the while, they aren’t caring how they allowed the situation to unfold.

When we’re unaware of how we’re driven/motivated and what we’re looking for from others to fulfill, we’ll always look to them as the issue. ALWAYS.

Most of us don’t know what we want from someone else, instead we have an expectation that they’ll show up in a way that makes us happy. And then they don’t. They fail and disappoint…then we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get them to act right and take responsibility….

And it remains a battle. 

It’s not about the other person. It’s about us.

If we have awareness of our subconscious belief, we will know that we have attracted someone who fits an old paradigm. A person who has qualities, which will recreate a situation to make the belief true. How many times do you remember feeling the same way over and over again? 

Once we have awareness of what is motivating or driving us to be attached to the outcome of a situation, we can understand how we allow it to happen in the first place.

We also can begin to really detach from our attachment to taking others personally with the realization of how much of our own inner life is built on trying to make us feel good (even when we practice behaviors, which appear to go against ourselves)…we may believe we must suffer to get to the good….and so, we pick a person who will mistreat us and then hope they’ll treat us with value.

If we take it a step further, it’s a reflection of how we don’t value ourselves.

Want change?

We have to give to ourselves what we think must come from others, we must be open to the universe/god/higher power {energy that already exists as infinite love} or whatever you want to call it, to feel the connection that is always there.

When we start fulfilling ourselves, we break down those old beliefs. When we stop taking others personally and objectively see their actions, we will make different decisions. When we get that we have the real control over our inner life, once we change some of our subconscious beliefs, we find true freedom and happiness. It’s truly an inside job!

There’s no applied force coming from us or “have to’s” in this context. Having a deeper understanding: we slow down, we become more present in the moment and see that our validation comes from within…

We owe it to ourselves. 🙂

Recognizing Value or You Get What You Pay For!

fiori-trans

I used to be a BIG believer that you could find the same thing for less, whether it was getting a designer dress on sale or a decent mechanic.

I also used to have almost no wealth consciousness or basically, “a general level of scarcity.”

I never understood why people paid a lot of money for certain things, when less expensive items/services were just as good. I figured some people were just into making a statement with a label or they had something ostentatious to draw attention to their success.

It wasn’t until I really started getting my own value, that I understood the differences in spending money. There is investing money and spending it frivolously. One is related to abundance and the other to scarcity. 

We each possess an inherent value in relation to money. Some of us work for w-a-y less than our REAL worth and some of us are paid for OUR value. We may complain or feel stuck earning far less than we deserve; we’re not happy, BUT IT’S OUR CHOICE. We live in fear and settle. 

When we’re too afraid to leave behind that, which does not really serve us financially and we hold on for dear life, because we feel it’s too much risk to go for what we truly want…we’re not living.

In a place of surviving for a paycheck, we live in scarcity. If we don’t spend money, because we’re afraid that we won’t have enough…we’re putting ourselves in a permanent “time-out,” as though we’re serving a penance (this is different than saving for a house or car or something we want)…

On the other side of existing for a paycheck, we stay in scarcity by spending money frivolously. We piss it away trying to escape the pain of half-living! We may live paycheck to paycheck and never get out of this vicious cycle.

In having my own business now and coming from having put myself through the 9 circles of hell financially, I speak from a perspective of value equals abundance and unworthiness equals scarcity. 

As I grew to value myself, I became more abundant.

Abundant in how I see myself, others and life in general. As I grew, I started charging more for my services. I realized when I didn’t charge my value, I’d feel tired, and not as focused, it was like a heavy weight to me to work for less than my worth (and if you’re just earning a paycheck–you know this feeling). Now, I only give specials, which are in complete alignment with abundance and me energetically.

I don’t actually help someone by charging them less, I instead, further enable their scarcity.

When I started charging more, I was afraid to spend any money.

I would cringe and get anxious, every time a friend of mine told me to buy myself something (considering I hadn’t bought myself a decent outfit in 5 years, this was almost ridiculous). When I finally decided to, I made it fun! Only buying what I truly loved and that it MUST reflect the HAPPINESS inside of me! Totally in opposition to my old scarcity!

What we spend money on and the feeling we have about it is a direct reflection to the relationship we have with ourselves. If we feel we’re worth it, we may spend money on what deeply pleases us or help us to grow.

When someone pays for a coaching package with me, I know they feel worthy of the commitment they’re making! And if someone struggles with the money commitment and decides not to–but needs it, then the question is…“what is it costing YOU if you don’t invest?” 

When we really value ourselves, we may get a bit scared with getting out of our comfort zone in our financial spending and goals, but it’s the only way we truly grow.

Wanna be rich? Value equals Abundance is key!

Spend to invest in ourselves–our happiness. Whether it is a house, a purse, a coaching package, a vacation–it reflects our inner world.

I pay others their full value. I NEVER would have in the past and yet, as I sit on the eve of making a MAJOR life decision, by forking over a very large chunk of change to hire a coach for my business…I know I could offer no less for myself or the value I receive for the service. 

We get what we pay for and if we pay someone for a service who doesn’t value themselves enough, it’s reflected back to us in how we don’t value ourselves. The Universe keeps us in direct alignment with each other. If I make a quantum leap, so do my clients and vice versa.

GET UNCOMFORTABLE–BECOME ABUNDANT! SCARE YOURSELF AND LOVE IT, you’ll be so much happier!