I Am The Marrying Kind

11-heart-hands-engaged-couple

Many years ago, I had a friend who was going through a divorce.

She told me very firmly and knowingly that she indeed was not going to stay single; she was the marrying kind.

Sure enough, she married a man later the following year who satisfied her statement.

At the time I thought about it, I asked myself wasn’t everyone deep down inside the marrying kind? Didn’t we all have the capacity? Didn’t I?

I’d been divorced 4 years at the time.

I was still in love with someone in which everything that could be an obstacle stood in the way of our togetherness. I had a pretty good fantasy going on about riding off into the sunset and some psychics I went to on a regular basis who helped me keep the vision alive. (psychics seek out other psychics)

I enjoyed impossible relationships for many years.

I thought the challenge and struggle was what relationships always were on a deeper level. Yet, I knew from others, from reading and from the growing dissatisfaction with the “work” involved that supportive, happy relationships actually existed.

Did I really believe it was possible for me?

It was a many “years” long discovery of myself and how I actually blocked being the marrying kind.

I was the running kind.

I ALWAYS said I wanted to be with someone. ALWAYS. My heart yearned for it, but I chose pain over love. I chose to try and get some crazy approval, some feeling of validation by finally winning over the man. Vulnerability was something others did, because I had no clue as to what love actually was of myself or someone else.

I didn’t realize how fear and the beliefs I developed as a child were basically killing my love life.

I could see a great divide between me and the marrying kind! I saw others marrying all the time and trying to figure out their secret. What was wrong with me????

I wasn’t needy…I was very independent. I wasn’t trying to drag someone to the altar, I didn’t mind a slow process in getting there. I figured I was textbook perfect as a mate…so why the hell was I single and wrapped up in these nightmarish situations???

And bit by bit, I saw the contrast.

I learned so much through my last relationship. It was 5 years on and off, with someone I had crowned my soulmate in the beginning and in the end, my greatest teacher.

Over time, as my walls that had separated me crumbled down….my “running” nature also fell apart.

I saw how I couldn’t be vulnerable and compartmentalize everything, how I wanted perfection in how we came together and what I would allow, because of my insecurities. It’s what meaning I gave to my past experiences and my shitty beliefs I developed about myself as a result…I felt like I was unworthy and a failure in love. 

I’d been rigid where I needed to be flexible. I’d been black and white, where other colors needed to enter my perception. I accepted so little, where it needed to be a vast ocean. I gave, but didn’t receive….I didn’t ask for help, until I did and it wasn’t there.

And on the other extreme I saw possible where it was impossible. I imagined, prayed and focused on how I wanted it to be and not how it actually was, for so many reasons.

It was safe.

I was forced to get out of my own way. The safety of these rocky roads to navigate and keep me hamstrung, running from love were no longer working. The old ways were dying off as I got to know me, love me and truly want more for myself.

What was safe now seemed uninteresting; distance became exactly that…distance. Not a challenge, but something I couldn’t bridge the gap on alone. I stopped wanting difficult and breathed into easy.

Now it’s scary, because I’ve had to dig deep to believe (regardless of my insecurities) that somewhere out there is a mate for me, who willingly will meet where I am, where neither of us is running from intimacy or ourselves. Someone who matches me, rather than my trying to paint an impossible picture into one of a togetherness that will never be….

I’ve become the marrying kind; I actually love being around couples that are happy together, there’s something contagious about it and quite inviting….

Becoming the marrying kind is quite expansive, forgiving, open, freeing and loving. Loving myself and life as it is may be a challenge at times, but it’s a challenge I welcome!

As I finished writing this, someone shared this quote: “If you’re brave enough to say “good-bye,” life will reward you with a new “hello.” ~Paulo Coehlo

I am brave enough to say good-bye to the old ways, and hello to the unknown. If you want to join me in becoming the marrying kind, please click this link.

xoxo

Break Up or Make Up? Be on YOUR own time!

man looking at watch

I was thinking about how we’re all in a rush to EMOTIONALLY move on from things.

We feel compelled to show our strength by making a premature decision when it comes to SO many things. 

  • We kick people to the curb prematurely.
  • We quickly end relationships and begin relationships without being emotionally present…we’re living in the past or future.
  • We’re stuck in a relationship and feel like a complete ass for why we can’t extricate ourselves on the timetable others’ expect.
  • We say and do things FAST, which show we’re strong, but not necessarily courageous (courage means strength of heart in Latin)
  • We want our fast food, our business, our soulmate, our vacation and everything else in a hurry and on our timetable too. (Thought I’d mention this last point, but in this post let’s just focus on our emotional speed)

Most of the reason we’re in such a HURRY, is not from the timetable within us, but the one outside of us. The expectations of others, be it society, friends or family. We feel like there’s something wrong with us emotionally, when we lag behind.

We watch other people who seem to handle their relationships and life quickly and easily. Friends who move on from relationship to relationship seemingly unscathed and here we’re feeling like we just performed HaraKiri on ourselves.

Of course, when we act without having an emotional connection to it, we run the danger of never understanding why we’re in the place we’ve chosen to be….

We do choose everything we do, but WHY do we?

It’s not about a deep analysis, it’s understanding our belief system. Our belief system is always operating, it creates the scenarios we need to keep proving it’s truth over and over.

We spend way too much time intellectually paying attention to what those around us do, and to what they tell us to do in our situation. We never have the full story, because as much as people can give advice they may have trouble following their own.

Even if they appear to have it all together…if we took a peek inside we’d find a different story.

When we’re so “outside of ourselves” as to the appropriate time to break up with someone, for example: “If I don’t have a ring on my finger after 18 months in a relationship, I need to dump him”….who’s happy with that outcome?

Why do we need to set these timetables and expectations around moving quickly in and out of relationships? Every time we do it, we hurt ourselves more. We DO IT to ourselves.

What also develops with each break up that doesn’t come from being emotionally complete, is a sense of LESS emotional presence (more protection and limited vulnerability). We want proof. We’re not living in the moment, we’re living in a fantasy of what each new relationship will bring.

We have an expectation that the next guy/gal is the cure-all, because it’s about finding the perfect person, not self-acceptance.

When they’re not perfect; we may find ourselves ACTING, BEING and EXPECTING in the same ways we have in all of our past relationships…what then?

We may either blame the other person or feel a deep sense of shame for not being able to get it right once again!

We may also be shamed when we tell others, because we feel they reflect back to us our inability to do it RIGHT. We’re just so inept, right?

Just get over it! Move on! Or stay put and work out that hopeless relationship…can we do a collective UGH?

When we give time, space and opportunity for our own growth in a bad, good or indifferent relationship, we can find out WHY we’re here.

When we’re in a hurry to show everyone that grass doesn’t grow under our feet or to please them by following their words of wisdom, the only person shortchanged is ourselves.(and perhaps the mate we’re affecting with our externally directed choice)

Relationships aren’t fast food and neither are our feelings.

Take the time to find our own speed.

Slow down enough to find out HOW WE FEEL AND WHY. Thank everyone around us for their opinion, but let them know it’s not necessary…we’ve everything just where it needs to be right now.

Place awareness inside rather than outside, make friends with the parts of us in painful spaces and honestly place awareness to find the origin of the belief.

Then it’s time to make a completely new choice, which can be scary, but it allows us to release the negative belief and takes us in the direction we authentically want to go…when we’re ready.