Half A Relationship– Who Would Choose That?

broken heart

A client I had not seen in a long time came in for a session. She had recently gone through a break up which wasn’t an official break-up.

Ever heard of it?

She had been dating someone for the past nine months, where effort from him and intimacy hit its peak two months into the relationship. Then what was left were a lot of words… promises.

It was a long distance relationship, but she met his family and it was a love-fest with them. He was pleased, but his inability to ‘enjoy’ talking on the phone and seeing her too often continued to grow.

A month ago they went on a 10-day vacation where he presented the possibility that it was time to level up to boyfriend/girlfriend status. They shared a special connection and it seemed destined to move forth. After all, they were similar in many ways—even sending the same cards to each other. And as a bonus there was great chemistry! But back at home after the vacation, it started to unravel slowly. He was less available and more ‘put out’ to make time to see her, yet declared he didn’t want to lose her.

Sound familiar?

As she hung by a string, trying to figure out what exactly was going on, he brought a third party into the relationship, but still declared he wanted her in his life.

I share this because it is not uncommon, at least in my line of work. These half in/half out relationships, non-committal with action but can’t let go with their words, seem to affect generations of folks following the sexual revolution. WTF?

My client is a very intelligent, attractive, business woman; a Type A personality who knows what she wants and does not usually justify bad behavior or find herself unable to make a decision that would make her happier. But the fear of loss and abandonment, coupled with what she felt was a real connection, made it difficult for her to stop accepting breadcrumbs.

As the generations of people who did not get married at 19 and stay married their entire lives has expanded, so have the types of relationships many people find themselves in. All of these experiences take their toll on our self-esteem and self-confidence, dramatically increasing the fear factor. So as we get older, this phenomenon makes for some unusual situations.

It’s not to say that people who find themselves in these ‘sorta, kinda’ relationships have a fatal flaw or something is tragically wrong with them. On the contrary, many of these individuals are successful, stable, capable and want love as much as anyone. But wanting it and being available for it are two different things.

Many years ago I went this route myself.

I got divorced and went to therapy. After doing therapy for a few years, I thought I was in pretty good shape. I wasn’t. I possessed no clue as to what it meant to be anxiety-free, connected to myself, truly confident, whole, happy and not seeking outside validation to tell me I was lovable. I was still looking for someone to fix what was wrong with me or fill up the gaping hole inside of me.

On top of it, dating gave me extreme anxiety.

Either the process of dating or being in a ‘sorta kinda’ relationship, or even a dysfunctional one. I had a couple of connections, just like my client, and thought each one was THE one. Instead they were both my greatest mirrors and lessons.

Commitment?

Who needed one while suspended like a yo-yo between closeness and distance? Being caught up in the intensity of having someone who understood me superseded the lack of time together and all the other red flags. My fantasy of what I wanted it to be would slowly fall apart. I was a mess, finding myself in situations that seemed inexplicable to myself, let alone to others.

I hear these words from so many people who contact me. They look for psychic readings, books and other people to tell them it’s okay to hope this shitty situation has a silver lining. It can have a great outcome, but not in the way most of us think.

We attract what we’re capable of dealing with, so in these symbolic relationships, as much as we want love, we have to look at how unavailable we are to its full commitment.

Many of us don’t want to give up because of the mind-blowing connection. Plus, for most who are time-constrained with their busy careers, the idea of not investing many hours together has appeal. That is until we recognize that instead of an increasing connection over time, as we seemingly get closer, there’s a decrease. We can have the most amazing connection to people who just aren’t available to meet us at the heart.

Who are these people?

They are married or in another half-assed relationship or perhaps even single, but entwined in their own past pain. They come fully loaded with an instruction manual as thick as a dictionary of terms and conditions, so we’re lucky to get any of their time or affection at all.

For some, the longer we’ve been at the relationship game, the more entrenched we may become in believing we deserve less.

We make excuses for the lack.

We say the few moments of attention are worth all the hours of heartache. We break it off and somehow find ourselves back in this dance with this person, over and over again.
Some wonder where the strength and decision-making skills we had when we were younger went. We used to be more discerning and, perhaps, we were always the ones who left the relationship. Now we find ourselves unable to move on or unravel these ties that bind.

I see it often, and I’ve been there.

If we want change, it’s up to us. We have to take the focus off the other person and place it squarely on ourselves. If we think getting over this person and moving on means to focus on their flaws, all we’re doing is prepping ourselves for another relationship that will cause us heartache.

We have to believe that we deserve the whole enchilada, but first we need to see why we believe deep down inside that we don’t. From there we start to create changes within ourselves. Once we gain clarity and start to treat ourselves with value, our confidence will grow and then we make better decisions.

Connect the dots. Where does the anxiety of abandonment begin? Go back to childhood. Where did you feel alone, misunderstood or unloved? What did we put up with and where did we wall ourselves off from being vulnerable to this same pain again? When we’re walled off, we’re emotionally unavailable too. If that’s the case, then of course it isn’t the person we point the finger at as commitment-phobic or damaged beyond belief. It’s the one pointing the finger.

We attract where we are with ourselves.

Most of us who are on the ladder to success–Type A and going after what we want–aren’t even aware of the underlying drive to prove ourselves that can skew us to be cut-off emotionally in our relationships… until…

We meet the person who wakes us up, even if it is waking up to a cup of cold water on the fantasy we have about our willingness to be vulnerable.

As long as we stay invulnerable or cut off from our truth, we will not move forth, grow or be happy.

Once we decide that our current lot in life is no longer an option, we can commit to ourselves and transforming the beliefs we have, which kept us stuck in these half relationships.

 

I Am The Marrying Kind

11-heart-hands-engaged-couple

Many years ago, I had a friend who was going through a divorce.

She told me very firmly and knowingly that she indeed was not going to stay single; she was the marrying kind.

Sure enough, she married a man later the following year who satisfied her statement.

At the time I thought about it, I asked myself wasn’t everyone deep down inside the marrying kind? Didn’t we all have the capacity? Didn’t I?

I’d been divorced 4 years at the time.

I was still in love with someone in which everything that could be an obstacle stood in the way of our togetherness. I had a pretty good fantasy going on about riding off into the sunset and some psychics I went to on a regular basis who helped me keep the vision alive. (psychics seek out other psychics)

I enjoyed impossible relationships for many years.

I thought the challenge and struggle was what relationships always were on a deeper level. Yet, I knew from others, from reading and from the growing dissatisfaction with the “work” involved that supportive, happy relationships actually existed.

Did I really believe it was possible for me?

It was a many “years” long discovery of myself and how I actually blocked being the marrying kind.

I was the running kind.

I ALWAYS said I wanted to be with someone. ALWAYS. My heart yearned for it, but I chose pain over love. I chose to try and get some crazy approval, some feeling of validation by finally winning over the man. Vulnerability was something others did, because I had no clue as to what love actually was of myself or someone else.

I didn’t realize how fear and the beliefs I developed as a child were basically killing my love life.

I could see a great divide between me and the marrying kind! I saw others marrying all the time and trying to figure out their secret. What was wrong with me????

I wasn’t needy…I was very independent. I wasn’t trying to drag someone to the altar, I didn’t mind a slow process in getting there. I figured I was textbook perfect as a mate…so why the hell was I single and wrapped up in these nightmarish situations???

And bit by bit, I saw the contrast.

I learned so much through my last relationship. It was 5 years on and off, with someone I had crowned my soulmate in the beginning and in the end, my greatest teacher.

Over time, as my walls that had separated me crumbled down….my “running” nature also fell apart.

I saw how I couldn’t be vulnerable and compartmentalize everything, how I wanted perfection in how we came together and what I would allow, because of my insecurities. It’s what meaning I gave to my past experiences and my shitty beliefs I developed about myself as a result…I felt like I was unworthy and a failure in love. 

I’d been rigid where I needed to be flexible. I’d been black and white, where other colors needed to enter my perception. I accepted so little, where it needed to be a vast ocean. I gave, but didn’t receive….I didn’t ask for help, until I did and it wasn’t there.

And on the other extreme I saw possible where it was impossible. I imagined, prayed and focused on how I wanted it to be and not how it actually was, for so many reasons.

It was safe.

I was forced to get out of my own way. The safety of these rocky roads to navigate and keep me hamstrung, running from love were no longer working. The old ways were dying off as I got to know me, love me and truly want more for myself.

What was safe now seemed uninteresting; distance became exactly that…distance. Not a challenge, but something I couldn’t bridge the gap on alone. I stopped wanting difficult and breathed into easy.

Now it’s scary, because I’ve had to dig deep to believe (regardless of my insecurities) that somewhere out there is a mate for me, who willingly will meet where I am, where neither of us is running from intimacy or ourselves. Someone who matches me, rather than my trying to paint an impossible picture into one of a togetherness that will never be….

I’ve become the marrying kind; I actually love being around couples that are happy together, there’s something contagious about it and quite inviting….

Becoming the marrying kind is quite expansive, forgiving, open, freeing and loving. Loving myself and life as it is may be a challenge at times, but it’s a challenge I welcome!

As I finished writing this, someone shared this quote: “If you’re brave enough to say “good-bye,” life will reward you with a new “hello.” ~Paulo Coehlo

I am brave enough to say good-bye to the old ways, and hello to the unknown. If you want to join me in becoming the marrying kind, please click this link.

xoxo

Say a Little Prayer

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for me. In the afternoon, I had a client and afterwards I taught a class. My client is a poet. It was her birthday and so, along with a couple of other goodies…I decided I wanted to provide a special gift.

The evening before, was Open Mic in the space where my coaching office is located. Open mic started a year ago and had one guest the first evening. This past Friday night, there were 25 people in attendance. Amazing!

The environment is safe, warm and inviting to all. My client, the poet, read aloud her collection of three poems. She attends the Open Mic monthly and has developed quite a reputation for her lively, sultry poetry. She has grown in confidence and presence; it was lovely to witness.

As she read one of her poems, I was listening to what the meaning was for her as to why she wrote it; it was a poem about her soulmate coming into her life. It was almost like a prayer.

It got me thinking. A prayer. Yup, her birthday was the next day and it was time to turn that poem written from her heart and soul into a prayer. The place in which my office, Que Linda Tu is located employs individuals five days a week who provide massage therapy, aromatherapy, reiki, readings, energy work and more.

Yesterday, I ask Ken who started a prayer circle in this sacred space if he would work with our poet. And I ask the poet if she would like to engage in creating a prayer for herself from that poem. She agreed and so did Ken.

They sat on the floor and started to dig a little deeper into the poem, into her heart and beyond her mind. We moved beyond what she had felt possible for herself and into what she believed had been impossible for years. The prayer was made and already the prayer circle widened. I know this prayer will come true.

This young man has already worked with two other people in creating their prayers. Both of these people came back right away, to let him know that within a month their prayers had come true. Magic? Or is it the power of belief and intention in a clear statement of desire? It seems having more minds holding your prayer for you also moves it along; whether you call it a prayer, the law of attraction or just believing….it really does work. I have read how people have been healed of all sorts of ailments and at the other end of the spectrum, I have read how dreams come true with all that focused intention.

Sometimes it takes a village. And as always, we are connected to one another and when one receives, we all receive. I too, decided to take my belief that I have been holding on my own and share it yesterday too. Something I used to believe was impossible, I now believe possible…it will come true.

I would love to hear about people manifesting their desires whether through prayer, writing it down, a vision board or whatever tool has helped you to create something you wanted in your life. Please email me at Tracy@13degreez.com or please leave a comment.