Would you like another round?

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This has been a year of reinvention for me, how about you?

I notice it in major ways (especially when loss is associated with it) and in smaller ways, where I come up against my old people pleasing skills.
 
For instance, I went on a hike this weekend (like I do most weekends) with my daughter out in Santa Monica.
Afterwards, we wanted to have a glass of wine (or in my case a margarita) and food. We found a restaurant¬†on PCH. We placed our order much to the chagrin of our waitress, who gave us the impression, she’d rather be anywhere, but here. She brought my margarita and the wine for my daughter. Near the end of our meal, she asked the BIG question…

“Would you like another round?”

My daughter spoke up saying “yes, I¬†would like another one.” I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want another drink¬†and so, it became a conversation between the two of them. I was surprised when she brought us both a drink. I looked at my daughter and said, “I didn’t tell the waitress¬†I wanted this,¬†you said you wanted another one when she asked, but I said nothing.” My daughter thought for a moment and said, “I think when I said I wanted another one, she assumed that we both did, since you said nothing.”
Now….this could be no big deal, right? But the truth was I really didn’t want another margarita,¬†then I started thinking of all the reasons that I was now stuck with a $14.00 drink that I didn’t want. “I shoulda spoke up…..UGH, this waitress seems annoyed with serving us…she walks by our table and doesn’t ask us if we need anything or even if we wanted to order in the first place, UGH…..I am now going to have to drink something that I don’t want or waste the money….wait a minute, do I have to just swallow it?”
The inner conversation was ridiculous to say the least. I sat in the booth thinking about how uncomfortable it was going to be, because I had decided I wasn’t gonna say okay to something I didn’t want…nor did I want to keep the peace with a person, I didn’t even know!
Do you ever do that? Tell a story to yourself about all the reasons you shouldn’t speak up or say¬†what is true for you, so that you don’t upset another person?
I’d like to say I’ve never done it or still do it! But, alas…here I was with the waitress who couldn’t smile and seemed irritated with every word spoken to her unless she asked.
I motioned for her to come over and told her, “I wasn’t going to say anything, because I felt bad (yup) and then I realized it was a stupid reason for drinking something that I didn’t want. I didn’t order this and I do not want it.”
Of course, as predicted…..she argued and tried to tell me I nodded my head ‘yes’ and agreed when she asked the BIG question.¬†I wasn’t intimidated, nor was I up for someone ‘arguing’ with me as a tool for¬†persuasion.

So…I disappointed her, I made it messy….I didn’t swallow it and I felt better, even though it was fairly intense.

My daughter actually agreed with me (she’s almost 24), usually ‘mom’ doing anything like this is totally embarrassing….¬†but this time, she saw how sometimes it’s best to please yourself, because you’re not gonna win a new friend or make someone like you, who doesn’t have the least bit interest in bridging that gap.
But it’s all right now, I learned my lesson well.¬†You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself “~ Ricky Nelson “Garden Party” lyric

 

The Breadcrumb Relationship

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Have you ever taken breadcrumbs and tried to make a piece of bread?

I have, perhaps not literally, but those little pieces of bread would just crumble in my fingers while gluing them together, making it messy, sticky, and giving me crouton hands.

I,¬†literally¬†spent years¬†trying to put breadcrumbs together everywhere in my life, give me a little and I would¬†make it seem bigger, better and more amazing than it really was…at least in my mind.

You see, I didn’t know any better….I thought everyone did it, especially in relationships. Weren’t they supposed to be a struggle? Wasn’t it where one partner gave more than the other? Sort of a victim/martyr situation?

And let me also throw in the low self-esteem I had as an extra set of luggage since childhood. No one, not a single person could make a difference in how I saw myself and therefore, because I also had a blind eye toward me; I had breadcrumb everything!

Why do some allow themselves to accept so little and make it seem as though it’s fulfilling? You may¬†do this by saying:

  • I don’t need so much, why would I want to see him or her more than once a week? I don’t want to be connected at the hip.
  • A long-distance relationship? Sign me up!
  • Married or in a relationship? Sounds like I can have my own life too.
  • Struggle and drama, doesn’t everyone have it? At least I know they care.
  • Tells me he or she has never felt this way before, but has to leave me? I will never get over him or her–they will come back.
  • I hear what he or she says, it sounds like a promising future? It doesn’t matter that there’s no action, just listen to those magical words.

And so on.

Anything sound familiar?

If so, welcome to the breadcrumb relationship! You’re on board this sinking ship, while telling yourself this is enough, it’s okay….and the fact that you’re wearing a life-vest is no big deal.

It’s painful, your insides resemble spaghetti–anxiety, stress, over-giving, not receiving, fear, and so on,¬†it’s torture!¬†If you share any relationship details and your friends or family cringe or look at you, like they want to save you….then you know you’re in the grips of hell.

Some of you may think this is your person, your soulmate. There are many wonderful things to connect over, but the relationship (if it exists) itself and how it operates, is one big dysfunction!

If your daily mantra, includes painfully talking yourself¬†into staying put, because you¬†can’t let go, or if instead, you¬†cut it off, only to be emotionally tied up in knots over him or her still, you¬†have to look within.

It’s not the other person.

It’s your thoughts and feelings about what you truly deserve based on what you’ve gotten so far!

If you were raised without emotional intimacy from your parents, you will be seeking it and repelling it, until you wake up to yourself.

If you were treated poorly as a child; your self-esteem stomped on by not having your voice heard, criticized with no positive reinforcement, your feelings not accepted, or experienced no¬†support for who you were and your endeavors, then you don’t know your value or worth as an adult, until you treat yourself as someone worthy.

All of us yearn for connection, to belong, it’s physiology. Anything else we tell ourselves is meant to protect us from disappointment and because we don’t believe we can have what we really want; we weren’t created to be alone.

What can you do if you’re in a breadcrumb relationship?

  1. Get honest with yourself.
  2. Re-connect to your emotions, about you. Feel your feelings, don’t make it about anyone else.
  3. Look at how you de-value your own existence, start taking care of yourself.
  4. Set standards for what you want and the boundaries necessary to uphold them.
  5. Understand that numbers 1-4 are about you, this isn’t about what other people do or say, it’s about what you will allow for you.

 

Do you need an apology?

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Most of us think, if we just had that apology from someone who has hurt us or done something we deem as wrong, then we’ll feel better.

Is that ever really true?

Of course, it’s lovely if someone takes responsibility for their words and actions, but what impact does it really have on our inner world?

Do we feel validated? Or that we weren’t nuts, thinking the other person’s behavior was out of line….what do we actually get that feeds us, if we’re already taking caring of ourselves?

Recently, I asked myself the question, “Do you need this apology?”

I’d received a text from someone who as of late last year, I’d stopped seeing after a very long¬†on/off, “learned a lot about myself” kind of relationship.

The text was followed by a call; the voicemail he left, stated his desire to apologize for being the jackass in my life. (his words)

At first, I was caught off-guard, but then I asked…did I need his apology? What would it do for me? Uh….Nothing.

Not an angry ‘nothing‘….. more of a resolve for myself. I’m okay, I don’t hate him or feel he owes me anything. I’ve taken full responsibility for participating and allowing his behavior to have been a source of discontent…..or so… I thought.

I found myself in the days that followed with¬†‘scattered moments’ of a long past scene or a situation, playing out in my mind. Times¬†I had forgotten about, and ones,¬†in which, I’d left myself somewhere else. It was good they came up! I understood¬†to a greater degree, where I was¬†emotionally back then, why I’d been there and what kept me emotionally chained to something, which never really delivered…

I didn’t want to give him hell.¬†I have no idea his current intentions. It doesn’t matter, because nothing he’d say has the power to remove¬†what happened between us.

Back then, I’d lived in the land of potential, listening to promises and some kind of crazy hopeful expectations.

And now,¬†I had awareness, understanding… I’d forgiven myself….and him. A long time ago.

Needing to have an apology from someone is secondary, when we take responsibility for our part.

Accountability is a personal thing, we cannot force others to show up how we want or wait for the day, when he or she wakes up and smell the coffee! NO ONE OWES US. And I mean, NO ONE.

Perhaps, in the movies a proclamation and an apology from the leading man to his beloved for his misbehaving seems to be the cure all to the emotional tension in the audience. We NEED that apology!

I’ve witnessed it when I’ve coached couples, one is waiting for that damn apology and the other may have given it a million times or be reticent to give it! If our mate has apologized so many times, what is it we actually want? What is going to fill that space inside that is clearly NOT taken care of with an apology? ¬†Why do we want to remain a victim to the story in our mind, which holds someone we love as the blame?

And if our mate refuses to cop to the responsibility, because of shame, or its a power struggle…what is really going on there?

We’re the ones¬†to resolve our own¬†feelings inside of us. When we wait or fingerpoint, it takes us away from the connection we have to our own power. ¬†Empowerment doesn’t come from an apology; it comes from within.

This doesn’t mean we should allow someone who loves us to treat us badly.

It means we have to take responsibility for being there (remaining there) in the first place. The excuses, the reasons and everything, which placed us in that relationship. When we understand the dance we do with someone else, which in the case of dysfunction, is to make sure, some of our less positive beliefs about ourselves are proven true…we’re then empowered enough to be set free….whether we get an apology or not.

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How To Change Your Life Forever.

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For most of us, it can be pretty exhilarating to start a new job, a new relationship, find¬†a new place to live, make new friends, join in new activities and take off on new adventures. All of this can play in shaping our perspective of possibilities, which some believe determines ‘who they are as a person.’

So, when these outside events change–we make a judgment, which alters our perception of our possibilities.

Julie thought her new job would be the answer to her unhappy home life. She saw herself enjoying the perks this company offered, including travel to other countries. It was her dream job!

At first, she was caught up in the excitement of the ‘new’ and the ability to be removed from her home life on a semi-regular basis. About three months into her job, she noticed she felt pretty much the same as she did, before she took the job…in fact, she felt worse.

Julie hated going home. It meant dealing with the circumstances that she put aside when¬†she took the job, she thought this type of change equaled a shift in her power, and her control over her life. It didn’t.

Our circumstances are a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves, but don’t¬†‘define’ who we are and our possibilities. True¬†change, causes a shift in our¬†inner world, supported¬†by loving¬†action to¬†the outer world.

We stand in the way of change by remaining focused on believing things around us must first change. This keeps possibilities limited. We may talk to our therapist or coach, vomiting our drama, feeling temporarily better, but achieving nothing new inside.

To change and perceive our lives without limitations, we must¬†take an honest look within to¬†understand how we don’t really act in our own best interest.

True change comes from the inside to the outside.

George came to his last session stating he wanted the key to change by the end of the session. He was frustrated and angry at his life. In the past, we discussed all the ways George could change his life, but those idea of boundaries overwhelmed him. Those options meant he might lose control of the stalemate he held in his relationship and his business, or it might offend or place him in a position of possible loss.

Change always includes loss, even if it’s an image of ‘what’s possible’ that we’re losing.

If we want change we must be willing to give up our PERCEIVED control of others and our unhappy circumstances. Expectations of keeping the status quo will influence our ability to set a new precedence.

Mark has been married for 30 years. His wife is his roommate, they haven’t had¬†sex for 15 years. He desires an opportunity to¬†fall in love with someone else.¬†Mark’s afraid to leave the comfort of his situation, for the unknown…at least here he’s appreciated for mowing the lawn, cooking dinner and taking out the trash. If he creates¬†boundaries or leaves, what will become of his life?

We¬†need¬†to take a risk, and get honest with ourselves. What’s the benefit to our current unhappiness and keeping the focus on everyone, but ourselves? ¬†What are we afraid of losing if we change? Why does having a limited picture of possibilities suit us? Why do¬†we seek struggle?

Three things that need to happen to create change forever:

  1. Consistent Honesty With Yourself.
  2. Boundaries That You Live By First.
  3. Action To Support Who You Are And What You TRULY Want.

Want Real Love? Get Out of Your Own Way.

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All of our issues begin and end with ourselves.

Many of us want to place our entire focus on the other person, what they do right or wrong. Whether it’s a first date or a long term relationship, we believe if the other person would just stop or start to do something, all problems will be solved.

It reminds me of every time a new law is made, people think they have solved all the issues, but new ones crop up, almost immediately.

Love has absolutely nothing to do with someone acting in accordance with our idea of who they should be.

The human condition is not consistent. Life is inconsistent, so when looking outside of oneself for the responsibility in how things are we become powerless.

If we want real love, it’s been said several times, we must be love. Hard to do 24/7, but if we can practice it just a bit, we will create different relationship dynamics.

If we enter a relationship lacking self-awareness, thinking it’s the outside world, or the person rescuing us as¬†our prince or princess charming, then eventually….we’ll blame them for all that doesn’t work. We may even delude ourselves into thinking all is okay when our communication with the other is not truthful.

Keeping up a pretense is never the road to love.

If we come out of a relationship blaming the other person for their ineptitude in some capacity, for its downfall, we need to take a deep look within and ask where we did NOT speak our truth, ACT in our truth or made CHOICES against our truth. If we do not do this, we will bring the past forward and have more relationships lacking love.

If we don’t have boundaries, which respect us first….our mate will not respect us.

Expectations, in which someone must ¬†fulfill¬†us will lead to disappointment. No one can reach inside of us and heal our pain. Only we can and it’s our perception, which keeps us there. Love doesn’t mean fixing someone else; it’s impossible.

If we’re treated in a way we don’t like, it’s our responsibility¬†if we choose to remain in that ‘position’……

Meaning….

By taking no action or staying silent (waiting for someone¬†to get it or playing the martyr–so there’s¬†ammunition to¬†beat him or her¬†up with) then where’s the love?”¬†It’s a game of victimhood.

In speaking our truth about how we wish to be treated (this is NOT a demand), we MUST treat ourselves in this respectful manner.

Let’s say¬†our mate is always late, do we derive some pleasure out of it, because we know we can use it against them or guilt them into acting a certain way toward us? While also stewing on the frustration of waiting or the anger/hurt of feeling our time not valued? All of this is about ourselves THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.

We aren’t respecting or taking care of ourselves by playing¬†victim, love is nowhere in sight and inevitably when we play victim/martyr, they will further disrespect us.

Some may argue to take any action means we’re trying to teach this person a lesson. Not true.

In¬†speaking our truth, about him/her being late,¬†while¬†setting clear boundaries, “I will only wait 15 minutes, because I have to take care of myself and I don’t want to be angry,” and following those spoken words with action…we may feel odd at first–perhaps guilty, but we’ll end up feeling good, because we got out of our way,¬†regardless of what the other person chooses to do. When our actions don’t¬†punish the other person, because our happiness is the focus (not them), it will eventually lead to a choice point.

The choice point means, if¬†the treatment we receive isn’t to our liking and we’re taking care of ourselves, we decide if we want to remain. This is not a reaction or a lesson to the other person, it’s deciding we want to have someone treat us, as well as we treat ourselves.

We cannot coerce someone to do our bidding, nor can any guilt trip continuously control the other person. They’ll fall off the wagon, if they’re just pleasing us to stop our complaining, or keep us around…..and then we’re stuck in the vicious cycle.

It’s always about ourselves, our happiness is our concern….and if we’re paying attention to self-love by setting boundaries, being clear about our actions and words, so they match our truth, then we’ll find our focus is not on changing the other person to suit us. It’s about loving ourselves and them, rather than manipulation and anger, whether we remain or go. And with that¬†love, we¬†make better choices.

Power of Being Alone

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Before anyone gets the wrong idea, this isn’t about growing older as¬†an¬†individual with 12 cats, and watching TV¬†for a sole source of entertainment for the rest of anyone’s life!

This is about STOPPING THE SACRIFICE and where our true power lies within us.

I talk to so many people who are stuck in shitty relationships everyday. Did I say, SHITTY? Yep, I did.

The sacrifices people make to stay for crumbs contains¬†no “good enough,” excuse. The problem isn’t in the reasons we give to ourselves or others, it’s the belief we have of what is possible for us and our fears around it.

The following is a short list of what I hear from not just one person, but several; it¬†isn’t¬†an anomaly:

1. Long term relationships (marriage) where sex stopped years ago and it’s a roommate or friendly enough situation,¬†that one can pretend to co-exist in by having enough other distractions available to them¬†to make it bearable. (and if there is a lifestyle to be maintained with or without kids….people will put up with far worse and say its okay)

2. Relationships that are not based on¬†a commitment to each other,¬†although¬†one person is definitely committed (and the other is supposedly torturing them)…and he or she stays committed even after the other person is out of their life.

3. Long term relationships, in which, it is a sexually open one and one person is cool with it while the other has grown a ton of resentment.

4. Being trapped in a relationship, because someone threatens suicide every time their partner thinks of leaving.

5. Living in a fantasy of the current mate suddenly turning into the partner of their dreams.

6. One partner being a parent to the other, so both are stuck in a disempowered and codependent situation. There is a great deal of anger and resentment, which comes as passive aggressive behavior or just passive….or just aggressive.

7. Staying in a relationship that is loveless…..while being in love with someone else.

8. Having some characteristics that are tolerable in a relationship, but fighting with oneself everyday to make those characteristics enough to stay.

9. My personal favorite and one I painfully experienced…the yo-yo relationship, the push/pull, the get close for a moment and be separated for days syndrome. The I love you so much, but can only be with you in limited amounts of time, or my head might explode from the intimacy…or happiness, or “insert word here.”

Again, this is just a short summary of all the ways we keep ourselves stuck in relationships, which are anything BUT based on LOVE. These relationships are about attachment, validation and fears from being alone, or being seen by others as a horrible person, parent or individual. 

Some of these people may fantasize about being alone and at the same time, feel drawn to staying in a loveless situation.

If we want to figure out why they are putting up with such shitty circumstances, all we have to do is look at some of the following:

1. Models–how did our parents (or step-parent) treat each other when we were growing up?

2. How were we treated? Were we not given much emotional connection–were we shown love?

3. Did we swear to do the opposite of how our parents acted in relationships?

4. Did we promise we wouldn’t be like mom or dad and rebelled to the other extreme?

As children we soaked up this knowledge and in most cases, it was not a conscious effort…it was through our subconscious that we learned the rules…just like eating with a fork and a knife. This also means all the things we didn’t want, are¬†enmeshed¬†in our subconscious too, based on the modeling of the adults in our environment.

Many people hope something magical will come along, like another person (or death of the mate) and rescue them. They set a time in the future when they think it will be okay to walk away, except they never do.

Here’s the deal. The power is in being alone when it comes to a choice between having a relationship that is sucking our life energy away, or to choose ourselves. In choosing us, we have¬†the freedom to discover why we were attached, why the other person or relationship held the key to our validation as a person and learn where our most basic fear of abandonment lives to solve the issues.

We can prolong these UNCHANGING situations, but the key is to start getting real. The thoughts we have around being alone and relationships will continue to be the same unless we do something different.

Being alone is not a forever statement. It is a beginning. The power lies in not just the learning of our painful beliefs, but in making decisions that are supportive of who we are, and away from the trajectory of keeping a shitty relationship together.

Sleeping in two separate bedrooms, or together with walls between us is a far worse fate than spreading out on a king size bed alone. There at least is an opportunity for someone to join us someday. And in the meantime, we get to CREATE a super-juicy life experience.

Seriously, whatever we’ve held back from doing while engaged in these relationships is no longer an obstacle, once we find the courage to own our life.

Nobody Wants Me

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I received that statement in a text.

It came from a man who I shared an on/off relationship with for 5 years.

It’s not so much of what would provoke him¬†to write that statement, but the lack of self-responsibility in having created the situation for himself…causing him to¬†feel that way.

It seems he believed this occurred through no fault of his own.

In my response…I held the mirror up and suggested he might want to look¬†at¬†how he rejects his own happiness and that as much as he claims, “He’s complicated,” it’s his own choice, so that he may remain alone.

I didn’t want to tell him what he’s doing right or wrong, nor did I want to rescue him from himself. I just tried to mirror back his statements, because I used to say things like that to myself all the time!!!

All the time. Daily. Morning, Noon and Night.

I thought¬†the Universe was out to get me….or that I just attracted shit, because of something beyond my control. I didn’t realize my feelings about me and my life were attracting people/situations that suited my depressed outlook.

This man labeled himself complicated.

Being complicated is an excuse.

It keeps us busy with our rules and fears, so we let nothing in; it holds up the walls from any intimate intrusion.

When we’re complicated we¬†need things to be in a state of perfection (only known in our minds) before we can allow ourselves to go there.

And where is that exactly? To being vulnerable.

I used to be complicated.

I could sit in my head for days.

A state of self-absorption, everything was personal and the outside circumstances were always a source of frustration; A STORY, because I was trained to have an inauthentic reaction.

Being complicated is inauthentic…..simplicity comes from being real.¬†

HE lives in his¬†head by his own proclamation. His¬†next response to me,¬†“Who wants me?” This statement¬†used to make me¬†prove myself, my love, my loyalty…to save someone him.

I used to¬†rescue him, so I could ignore myself. ¬†Now it felt so¬†heavy…so victimized, because he again showed no responsibility for where his life appeared to be…

And a few days later he wrote another text, basically blaming me for his feelings. For his choices. For how he treated me.

Over five years, I let¬†go slowly, because I wanted to understand ME and WHY I chose PAIN.¬†I became important to myself in the process. I’m no longer looking for the qualities of PAIN in a relationship that I subconsciously held onto when I met him.¬†¬†I don’t need the approval, the win or to slog thru his pain as the focal point of a relationship.

I had learned that¬†as long as I said yes to pain–it’s what I would receive.

We’d always reach the point, where he’d state¬†he couldn’t be consistent, show up or commit to anything more than being on the outskirts of my life, BUT HE¬†wanted the deep emotional space within me that is open for an intimate relationship.

Basically, he wanted me to hang out til he was ready.

I share this, because so many people who contact me hold out hope of¬†a person waking up and owning their life…so the relationship they’ve invested in and believed to be “the one,” becomes a reality.

It cannot be the focus.

The focus must come back to ourselves; letting go of wanting someone to change, and instead understanding our attraction in the first place.

We must accept the reality of how this person shows up, stop blaming them and know our attraction to the inevitable pain in a relationship.

Take responsibility for our choices, by quitting the fight for our needs to be met and to feel loved.

Inside of us is where true peace, love, evolution and happiness reside.

If you’re stuck in a situation, where you feel victimized, stuck or can’t let go, please contact me: tracy@tracycrossley.com

4 Ways to Become More Confident Now!

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We all have moments where something is making us think we can’t do it or we’re just not good enough.

The longer we stay in that state the more time we have to actually confirm the belief and REALLY the last thing we want to do IS perpetuate those limiting beliefs!

Here are 4 ways to immediately become more confident now.

1. Say f**k it. Just say it….breathe it in and realize there ain’t nothing that’s so much bigger than you or me, which requires any of us to stay small. If we don’t bring home the prize this time, life doesn’t end…there’s always opportunity, so the more you, me and everyone else says f**k it….the more we all stay open to ALOT more OPPORTUNITIES!!

2. Detach from all outcomes. We can’t control them anyway, so why do we get down on ourselves when things don’t go exactly as planned? Be in the moment with your eye on what you’d like to create or build more of, but don’t get hooked into it happening in a certain way or fitting into a picture of how you believe the final picture needs to look.

3. Stop picking yourself apart and be cool with you, as you are….as in, when you’re comfortable in your own skin no matter what’s happening, that is true confidence. Make a mistake? Handle it with grace, by being kind to yourself…showing yourself respect and value. Learn, grow and embrace where you are right now. The minute you relax and accept yourself, people will notice the difference….and most of all you’ll feel it!

4. No one is better than you. Sure, someone may have more knowledge or experience on a subject or a situation, but that doesn’t mean you have to compare yourself to them. You are where you are…and that’s okay. ¬†You may want to be somewhere else with more experience under your belt, but that is another day. It’s far more easier to JUST BE HERE in TODAY and not worry about anyone else or what you don’t know…..forget the competition, focus on you, learn from what is around you and go for what will take you where you want to go…just remember you are okay just as you are and where you are!

Accepting the Holes and Living Passionately!

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I used to believe I’d get to a day, where nothing would affect me anymore or life would smooth out, so “the ducks outside of me would be in a row.”

Sure, there are moments where everything in life feels like it’s in an anointed place, but those moments come and go! Life is not static, it changes. It’s our absolute refusal to get out of the way of the expression of life and allow things to just be as they are; we think we have to change it to feel better.

We don’t and I’ll tell you why.

Have you ever wished and hoped for something truly amazing to happen in your life?

We keep wondering when it’ll show up, change or happen…and then it does. As we¬†FINALLY have our object of desire…there’s an anti-climax. Perhaps, some disappointment and a lack of fulfillment at having arrived at this destination too.

Whether it’s a relationship we’ve been wanting or a change of heart by someone we’re pining away for or a new job, client, house, vacation, etc….

Our object of desire, never stays “shiny” or “amazing”…..and perhaps, because we’ve longed for it over an extended period we might not want it anymore.

Yep, I’ve been there and sometimes it still comes up! Realizing my WANT for everything to be as I SAY, puts stress on my mind, body, emotions, etc… as I lie in a state of wait or I put an inexorable amount of energy toward having it my way.

It’s not an outside job.

We’ll only fill the holes inside of ourselves by starting there–INSIDE our bodies.

Nothing outside of us fills those empty holes for very long (infatuation anyone? Intense attachment? Etc). Nothing inside of us can permanently fill the holes 24/7 (although a higher level of contentment will always remain–there’ll always be growth)…it’s to live with the holes and live passionately.¬†

As I heard in a dream last night, “some of us play in the trees!!”¬†

We take emotional risks.

It’s accepting life and tossing expectations aside.

It doesn’t mean we have no standards for our life or the behavior of others, it means we don’t live and die by everything around us. We aren’t controlled to be in a “bad mood” over our perception of what someone else is doing or not doing.

Taking the energy from our sheer force of will and instead loving what we’re doing and being, even if we feel shitty, is called ACCEPTING and ALLOWING! And the moment we do, it dissipates into a deeper engagement of life.

Living passionately means to find what gives us joy, whether it is sitting in meditation–connecting to ourselves, or it’s dancing, laughing, crying, being creative, breaking bread with others, mountain climbing….having a business that is an extension of who we are at heart. Whatever the heck it is….live it passionately, take the leaps….the more leaps we take, the more those empty holes get filled up.

Our holes get filled by being a part of life rather than blocking the flow of it and thinking of HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

Over-thinking, blaming, complaining, hiding, holding on and so on are ways we block life.

When fear tells us this is the only way to be, we’ve allowed ourselves to slip into a VERY FAMILIAR pattern. We put ourselves there, no one else–everyone outside of us is playing a role. It’s akin to hiring others to act the part, so we find this shitty emotional state to live in…by giving them our power, and a script that says, “Act this way, so I can remind me of my lack or not having the value to get what I want,” we create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Think I’m kidding? Our subconscious beliefs are like a metal detector picking up stuff to keep us safe in our misery. It’s the long-held belief and our supplying it truth by everything we can’t have and placing us in a state of want…of thinking “if only” everything would come together then I would be happy, that makes us think our way is the only way!

Such utter bullshit.

Human beings can live in a limited manner, it’s our choice…so stop looking for the safety of the familiar way of ACTING in life and find the scary, the vulnerable, the misery, the undone and embrace it all passionately!!

And as you do, your holes will become smaller….and create anxiety far less often, because with LIVING PASSIONATELY we realize there’s really nothing in life we have to have (beyond our basic needs) to fill us up or make us happy.

Just by accepting our holes and risking where there’s fear is the key to feeling fulfilled!!

Recognizing Value or You Get What You Pay For!

fiori-trans

I used to be a BIG believer that you could find the same thing for less, whether it was getting a designer dress on sale or a decent mechanic.

I also used to have almost no wealth consciousness or basically, “a general level of scarcity.”

I never understood why people paid a lot of money for certain things, when less expensive items/services were just as good. I figured some people were just into making a statement with a label or they had something ostentatious to draw attention to their success.

It wasn’t until I really started getting my own value, that I understood the differences in spending money. There is investing money and spending it frivolously. One is related to abundance and the other to scarcity.¬†

We each possess an inherent value in relation to money. Some of us work for w-a-y less than our REAL worth and some of us are paid for OUR value. We may complain or feel stuck earning far less than we deserve; we’re not happy, BUT IT’S OUR CHOICE. We live in fear and settle.¬†

When we’re too afraid to leave behind that, which does not really serve us financially and we hold on for dear life, because we feel it’s too much risk to go for what we truly want…we’re not living.

In a place of surviving for a paycheck, we live in scarcity. If we don’t spend money, because we’re afraid that we won’t have enough…we’re putting ourselves in a permanent “time-out,” as though we’re serving a penance (this is different than saving for a house or car or something we want)…

On the other side of existing for a paycheck, we stay in scarcity by spending money frivolously. We piss it away trying to escape the pain of half-living! We may live paycheck to paycheck and never get out of this vicious cycle.

In having my own business now and coming from having put myself through the 9 circles of hell financially, I speak from a perspective of value equals abundance and unworthiness equals scarcity. 

As I grew to value myself, I became more abundant.

Abundant in how I see myself, others and life in general. As I grew, I started charging more for my services. I realized when I didn’t charge my value, I’d feel tired, and not as focused, it was like a heavy weight to me to work for less than my worth (and if you’re just earning a paycheck–you know this feeling). Now, I only give specials, which are in complete alignment with abundance and me energetically.

I don’t actually help someone by charging them less, I instead, further enable their scarcity.

When I started charging more, I was afraid to spend any money.

I would cringe and get anxious, every time a friend of mine told me to buy myself something (considering I hadn’t bought myself a decent outfit in 5 years, this was almost ridiculous). When I finally decided to, I made it fun! Only buying what I truly loved and that it MUST reflect the HAPPINESS inside of me! Totally in opposition to my old scarcity!

What we spend money on and the feeling we have about it is a direct reflection to the relationship we have with ourselves. If we feel we’re worth it, we may spend money on what deeply pleases us or help us to grow.

When someone pays for a coaching package with me, I know they feel worthy of the commitment they’re making! And if someone struggles with the money commitment and decides not to–but needs it, then the question is…“what is it costing YOU if you don’t invest?”¬†

When we really value ourselves, we may get a bit scared with getting out of our comfort zone in our financial spending and goals, but it’s the only way we truly grow.

Wanna be rich? Value equals Abundance is key!

Spend to invest in ourselves–our happiness. Whether it is a house, a purse, a coaching package, a vacation–it reflects our inner world.

I pay others their full value. I NEVER would have in the past and yet, as I sit on the eve of making a MAJOR life decision, by forking over a very large chunk of change to hire a coach for my business…I know I could offer no less for myself or the value I receive for the service.¬†

We get what we pay for and if we pay someone for a service who doesn’t value themselves enough, it’s reflected back to us in how we don’t value ourselves. The Universe keeps us in direct alignment with each other. If I make a quantum leap, so do my clients and vice versa.

GET UNCOMFORTABLE–BECOME ABUNDANT! SCARE YOURSELF AND LOVE IT, you’ll be so much happier!