It’s Tiring To Write People Off…

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I get tired of people writing other people off.

I listen as they speak volumes on the negative qualities possessed by the person who apparently tortures them.

Why can’t he or she act right?

If he or she would just do the right thing, then everything would be okay!

As though this is somehow a solution to anything. We may get to a point where we write them off, as just badly damaged, beyond repair or broken…and I say, “Why do we speak of people as though they are a non-functioning old TV set?”

Who are we to place the responsibility of any situation entirely on the shoulders of someone who has clearly shown they’re not capable of carrying the world on their shoulders?

Did we select them? Did they choose to be responsible for our happiness? Our success? Our anything?

How does one go about making sure they are chosen for the job of most shamed?

And on the other side of the coin, we don’t want our issues resolved, because then we’d have to take responsibility.

Could it be that…

We want to be disappointed.

We want to be victimized, we like having no power–so then there is nothing, which happens, which is our fault.

Our issues have nothing to do with anybody, but ourselves.

We are our own issue.

And every single person has value. Even people who we keep trying to devalue, blame and place responsibility for things falling apart onto….it has to be someone’s fault, right?

When it comes to people who seem to consistently disappoint, it’s really a matter of how they see their own value.

How they see themselves may be skewed–so they don’t see their truth, and instead, act in ways to support their belief that they’re unworthy, et al.  Often, we see these as the people we want to write off, because of their inconsistency, withdrawal, laziness, stonewalling or any sort of negative mood or attitude that pushes other people away.

I know, because I’ve been that person. I’ve also been on the receiving end of it. Most people who show up that way, are not horrible people (excluding abusive individuals).

They want love as much as the next person.

They may lack the awareness about their core belief in believing they deserve love,  goodness and acceptance. They just stand in their own way.

Can we fix them?

Convince them?

Give them self-help reading materials?

Paint an arrow on the road, leading this way?

No. Not really.

First, all any of us can do, is to take care of ourselves.

Second, if someone wants to open up and recognize their value, it’s not an overnight thing. It wasn’t for me or anyone else I know who believed they were unworthy of love. I had to stop setting up the situations, which would leave me abandoned or feeling bad, so that the crappy belief I had about myself was proven true.

It takes a lot of awareness and actively getting uncomfortable by taking action, which we’d normally never take in a ‘given’ situation.

Third, it’s really about taking emotional risks, which create an emotional experience (which is the language of our subconscious) to change lives. It’s their choice, not ours.

Many of us feel like we’re not good enough. Our actions support it–think about when we feel bad–do we withdraw? Act in an off-putting way?  So, it’s the same for others too.

If we make someone else’s actions about us, then we’ve become a victim….we want something from them to make up for what we feel they ‘did’ to us.

An apology or acknowledgement or something to say they screwed up, they’re mean, etc…and while we ‘wait’ in resentment, because they have our power until they give us back what we think is missing…all it shows is we aren’t taking care of ourselves.

We may get so pissed off, we want to write that person off. We build a case against them; we tell stories of their savagery–gaining sympathy for our victimized state and in the end, if we have enough ammunition and kick this person to the curb…what did we win?

We still haven’t resolved our original issue.

The one we’re avoiding by blaming someone else for our problems, or focusing on why they show up the way they do….or anything we give our power to showing us how little we value ourselves.

Next time you want to write someone off, ask what “you’re” taking personally, that they do.

Find out why you are there, what did you allow when you should’ve had boundaries and what are you trying to get? What validation do you think you need?

Keep asking yourself questions and when you have clarity–start admitting YOUR truth to yourself and then others…it is freeing and it will stop you from wondering if you should write people off.

Why?

Because, your focus will shift to your happiness, and making choices for yourself for your fulfillment.

5 Ways to Change Your Life Today

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Want change?

Gotta take some action and shift a stuck perception

  1. Say “no” to what does not belong to you. Don’t take on other’s stuff that they’re not willing to deal with and make it your own. Give it up, give it back and say “NO,” watch as resentment disappears.
  2. Screw guilt in not taking on what doesn’t belong to you. The minute you think or feel guilt for valuing yourself, stop take a breath in and focus on loving kindness circulating through your veins. 🙂
  3. Release what died. Stop keeping a taxidermied replica of whatever relationship it is that you haven’t let go of and give it a proper burial. Moving on comes in stages, but at least for yourself accept what is now passed on to another stage and let go….free your hands up to hug yourself.
  4.  Things don’t change when you continue to keep the same perception about them. Try looking at something outside of your current view. Allow yourself to detach emotionally, if only for a moment to see other possibilities. Do this often and you’ll start to see your world open up!
  5. Every time you go to complain, to someone or out loud, pause for a moment and ask yourself what is really going on? What are you not getting right now, specifically? And what is the benefit of complaining? In the best circumstances you may want to believe you have not coerced others to do your bidding, but when you complain, you may not give much of a choice to someone. Especially, if they’re a recipient of your displeasure. They may feel they can’t catch a break and stop trying. When you have clarity on your complaints, you can start to do things differently. If you don’t like something in your living environment, change it….if you are not crazy about how you’re treated in your relationship…get clear on the real issue, make sure you’re treating you with a lot of love and then speak your truth. If it still doesn’t bring you together, then consider finding someone who does want to wear the same jersey.

You owe me!

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I hear this so often from clients: someone CAUSES us pain and therefore we’re owed something.

What is it exactly we’re owed?

Seriously, what do we want from that person? For them to treat us in the way we want? For them to realize we are the Sun in their Universe? What exactly are we wanting here?

I go to the mat with clients on this one, because of the following reasons:

1. We want validation from someone who is unwilling to give it and deprive ourselves by seeing it as outside of us.

2. There is an old need/belief in us that feels empty and we require this other person to fill it and that is impossible.

3. We take others personally and give meaning to the self-absorption the other person has as to mean something about us and our value.

4. We can’t force someone else to talk to us, or show up in a way that soothes our inner beast.

I’ve spent a good chunk of time in a session working with clients who feel like a victim to the words and actions of someone else. They want something and desire commiseration about their situation (usually getting frustrated with me, because I won’t play along). All the while, they aren’t caring how they allowed the situation to unfold.

When we’re unaware of how we’re driven/motivated and what we’re looking for from others to fulfill, we’ll always look to them as the issue. ALWAYS.

Most of us don’t know what we want from someone else, instead we have an expectation that they’ll show up in a way that makes us happy. And then they don’t. They fail and disappoint…then we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get them to act right and take responsibility….

And it remains a battle. 

It’s not about the other person. It’s about us.

If we have awareness of our subconscious belief, we will know that we have attracted someone who fits an old paradigm. A person who has qualities, which will recreate a situation to make the belief true. How many times do you remember feeling the same way over and over again? 

Once we have awareness of what is motivating or driving us to be attached to the outcome of a situation, we can understand how we allow it to happen in the first place.

We also can begin to really detach from our attachment to taking others personally with the realization of how much of our own inner life is built on trying to make us feel good (even when we practice behaviors, which appear to go against ourselves)…we may believe we must suffer to get to the good….and so, we pick a person who will mistreat us and then hope they’ll treat us with value.

If we take it a step further, it’s a reflection of how we don’t value ourselves.

Want change?

We have to give to ourselves what we think must come from others, we must be open to the universe/god/higher power {energy that already exists as infinite love} or whatever you want to call it, to feel the connection that is always there.

When we start fulfilling ourselves, we break down those old beliefs. When we stop taking others personally and objectively see their actions, we will make different decisions. When we get that we have the real control over our inner life, once we change some of our subconscious beliefs, we find true freedom and happiness. It’s truly an inside job!

There’s no applied force coming from us or “have to’s” in this context. Having a deeper understanding: we slow down, we become more present in the moment and see that our validation comes from within…

We owe it to ourselves. 🙂

Happiness, Truth and Sucking it up!

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How difficult is it to express what is true for us to people who really matter in our life?

I’m not talking statements with exclamation points, I’m talking about our deepest truths.

This is where we get stuck.  

We overthink or calculate how to express what we need in a way that focuses on the outcome. Whenever we focus on the outcome of our statement, it’s manipulated and therefore is not entirely the truth.

We worry about the reception of our words rather than the content.

Tact, compassion or kindness toward others is fine, but it should never color our truth. When stating things, we may be so caught up in pleasing other people, that we say nothing of what we feel is true for ourselves.

Unfortunately, making someone else happy at our own expense is a short-lived “peace.” A smooth-over meant to keep things at a status quo, as to not upset the apple cart. People in relationships may believe when things are going well, they shouldn’t rock the boat with their truth.

It’s actually the best time.

If you’re stating your truth all along, as you feel it, you’re not turning the  apple cart upside down; instead, you’re just moving a few apples around.

Sometimes we’re so afraid of the impact of our honesty that we suck it up or push it down. This leads us to feeling depressed, immobilized, angry or resentful. We may even place blame on the other person, as though our inner life is created by them.

It’s not. It’s where our focus is, “If only George, could really hear me or stop that behavior, everything would be hunky dory.”

We do this, because of our own conditioning and patterns. We may have learned to withhold the truth, because of others’ reactions to it and then we personalize what they say or do to have meaning inside of us.

It only has meaning if we give it meaning and why would we give more meaning to someone else’s state of being than our own?

Because…

If we start to actually give meaning to our own feelings, what we want and what we see as our own truth…it means change will happen.

Change is scary and for many, they feel the comfort of staying stuck in misery rather than venturing into the unknown of self-expression.

We may be so afraid of losing the person in front of us that we swallow our truth constantly. We may fear abandonment, what if this person who we’ve given control over own well-being leaves…what will become of us?

I’m not kidding, it’s why some of us don’t speak up or we stay past the “sell by” date.

When we start to express ourselves, it may come as a whisper. Then as we feel more confident in our own feelings, good or bad, we speak it firmly….then, as we feel whole, loving and open, we match words with action. We uphold and honor our words with action, which reflects our truth.

Realize, inauthenticity brings loss. Our lies or covering the truth to keep another happy, will backfire and leave another feeling betrayed. 

Feel excited to no longer limit our thoughts and words to mistakenly believe we control making another happy; OWN our bliss now!

Begin today on expressing what is truth:

1. Get real with those voices in our head. The voice is always there telling us truth. Write it down.

2. Recognize the worst case scenario. What is the worst thing to happen if we express our truth? Own it and embrace it.

3. Start small. Start with people who are on the outer ring of intimacy in our lives first. Then move the circle inwards. Say a truth, “I know I’ve been saying I love your spaghetti, but I’ve decided to be honest. I’m not a huge spaghetti fan, I just didn’t want to disappoint you, I should’ve spoke up sooner.”

4. Go bigger. Say something that is true for you to your mate. “I am afraid that if I continue to not speak up, our relationship will be over. Please know when I speak my truth, its toward an honest resolution.” Take action to uphold it. Example: When someone calls us names…we have a choice, stay and state that if it continues we are gone…or just leave.

Know that we are not changing someone else’s mind or convincing them, we are stating our truth. Period. It’s gratifying, it allows us to be tactful, compassionate and kind in our communication.

When we’re immobilized, stuck and don’t know what to do….stop and listen for the voice…it’s telling us what has been true all along.