In the garden of dating hell

                                                                         Source: google.co.uk via tushie on Pinterest

Not really. It isn’t hell. It’s a test of belief in oneself.

We all have the best intentions for ourselves and future relationships.

The idea of this “improved or very stable” version of ourselves in the context of romantic involvement with someone we love is a wonderful thought—or for some, a fantasy.

And the older you get the more it may just be a fantasy. To get out of one’s head and actually live in the moment when it comes to dating is a major challenge.

It’s how we see ourselves in our minds versus the actual experience of dating.

We forget how insecurities can overpower and overwhelm all good intentions. How wonky vulnerability can feel, especially if we’re older and have a lot of bumps and bruises under our belts.

We can spend time alone “working” on a new, improved version of this self only to find that the battle begins when we come into contact with someone we’re attracted to who could possibly fall into the future mate category. Just the thought brings out the monsters.

And there are two sides to the monster coin.

The first is our recognition that we’re done with approaching dating in the way that didn’t work for us in the past. Great! So, how do we stop the following monster repeats:

Photo by alwaysinspired

  • >> Ending up with someone we’re sorta attracted to that pays us any attention. Thank God!
  • >> Forcing our will on someone to be with us because were so damn lonely.
  • >> Becoming needy in fearing abandonment, and being in such a hurry, we attract the same person over and over again.

Whew! No more lonely Saturday nights.

The second monster is the actual date progression. We start talking to someone online, or maybe we met them while out and about in our lives; it could even be a blind date. However we met them, when the conversation starts, the insecurities come roaring in…does he like me? Do I like her? Did I say the wrong thing? Maybe that was TMI? Ugh.

All of this head chatter is what does us in, it’s not necessarily the other person. We act out an entire relationship in our brain.

The biggest monster of course, isn’t on the coin, it stands alone with its face stamped on love currency.

It’s the self-sabotage that comes from self-protection.

Our insecurities start to build a case against the person to protect us against getting hurt.

“Was that a red flag?”

“They said this, but then contradicted themselves by saying that.”

“I always get hurt, I cannot let anyone get under my skin, because I lose control of myself.”

“If I act in this way, it will ensure I remain in control.”

There’s a long list of thoughts, which our head formulates about our current dating situation. Unfortunately, it influences our actions. It influences how open or closed we are to another. It makes us do things against ourselves and it makes us act weird.

There are people who cannot handle being alone and others who don’t know how to break out of it. And each one sabotages what they truly desire in their heart.

How does one stop the monsters from running—or I should say, ruining—one’s dating life?

1. Recognize your insecurities.

See them, feel them, allow them to come out and play. Understand we all have them and it’s okay, as long as they don’t lead you. 

If you can’t be alone without the attention of the opposite sex,stop, take some time alone and stop focusing on a gal or guy. Focus on you. What do you do for your own joy? What are your goals that you are waiting to achieve until that person walks in the door? Can you be happy now with just you?

If you’re stuck in a rut of being alone, check out the insecurities that keep your heart under lock and key. Stop looking at the opposite sex as being the force who will be in control of your heart, if you let them in your life. Find control of you and know that even if you lose control, it’s okay. Just recognizing your own process is half the battle.

2. Stay in the present moment.

When your thoughts revert to past times or you find yourself reacting to a situation with far too much emotion, realize you are not here, you are elsewhere. And on the other end, get out of the future. Do not live in “what if.” The place to calm an anxiety or worry is by being as fully present to now as you can be.

3. Don’t settle.

If you have been in a past relationship in which you settled or learned how important certain characteristics are to you, then recognize it and don’t just fall into something, because you don’t want to be alone. All you’re doing is ensuring future unhappiness or being alone at a future date.

4. Go slow.

If you’re in a hurry to get the finish line–before you really have a chance to get to know someone—then ask yourself, why? Do you just want a warm body? Do you need attention so badly? Or is it the fear that this is the last person who you may be attracted to and is available? Any of these thoughts are normal. It’s if we allow them to steer the ship. Take your time in getting to know someone, pace yourself, so that you can stay emotionally present in the moment.

5. Have fun and be spontaneous.

Yes!! Have fun!! Stop thinking and start living. Be you. All the time. No regrets, no second guessing, just pay attention to how you feel when you’re with someone. Are you digging you?

You can also read this post on elephant journal.

People who live in Compartments

Live in fear.

Many unknowingly, stuff emotions, people or situations into compartments.

They focus on something else, whether it’s work, exercise or drinking oneself to death to keep these finely constructed walls in place.

The false sense of protection and strength of their compartments masks the weakness and true desires of a person.

Compartments affect a person emotionally, spiritually and physically.

No one is fully open as long as compartments are the daily operating system.

Joy is never fully experienced. Sorrow is consuming.

It seems safe.

A person believes they’re protected, not realizing numbness, anger or resentment are what decorates their compartments.

They live in a state of reaction about something, which hasn’t yet transpired. It creates the circumstances that a compartmentalizer most fears: LOSS.

It’s the weakest state of operating in this life.

This person cannot make an authentic decision, because they strategize the conclusion.

Their decisions are unconsciously based on the question: “Will I have to deal with disappointment?” Forget that! Their defenses are READY on warp-speed.

They won’t be fooled this time! When looking at the future they’ve a false sense of control.

They may not recognize their unhappiness comes from blocking love.

There’s a man I know who allows everything to distract him, on purpose.

If he has to do something he doesn’t like, or it makes him feel vulnerable, it goes in a compartment. Then a mindless task takes over his mind.

And when the woman in his life needs him, instead of being responsive, communicative and allowing himself to feel good participating in fulfilling her need, he does the opposite.

On purpose. Even though he loves her and says he wants to help.

It’s drama. 

Anyone who has a compartmentalizer in their life, probably feels at the mercy of the games this person plays, because their actions and words rarely match.  

“I want to be with you, but I am going to treat you in a way that makes you leave me.”

This man wants to show up as a caring person; he just doesn’t trust himself.

It’s a byproduct of his fear.

He’s paralyzed by his compartments.

He’s too afraid of the relationship failing in the future. Once he’s invested himself fully, he believes she’ll leave him. After all, his marriage fell apart, his estranged wife hates him, so why would this last?

He can’t believe this woman, who he loves deeply, will stay with him. He thinks she’ll get sick of him, find all his flaws and abandon him or worse shut him out and treat him like she hates him.

So in response to a future that hasn’t happened, he fights with himself to keep the relationship from consuming him. Cutting off all actions, which would feel good to him too.

He feels if he complies with her wants and needs, he’ll lose himself. He finds everything available to distract him. Yet, he feels guilty and unfulfilled, all the time.

And it makes him even more distant.

More cut off.

He’s losing this love in his life for “no” current reason, except by sabotaging it to ensure he gets rid of someone who loves and understands him.

His compartments save him from fully feeling what he’s doing.

He’d rather think of himself as alone, instead of taking control of himself.

A person with compartments is outta control!

He could get out of his comfort zone and simply have fun with this love; uncontrolled, and unbridled with no limitations.

Instead, he lives in a constant state of anxiety, because compartments create a deep sense of unease.

The more compartments, the less settled and more isolated a person feels.

Vulnerability and being open create connection.

Compartments give a false sense of peace; it’s dead energy. It creates depression.

Compartments lead to repetitive thinking; no new thought takes place, because that means change would happen.

Remember as a kid, we ran free.

We didn’t have compartments weighing us down.

We were without limitations! We weren’t born this way, it’s something that can change.

Honesty is hard, because it requires vulnerability. And vulnerability is impossible to sustain with compartments. It comes in fits and starts and as quickly as it’s opened, it’s shut.

Single men and women who compartmentalize will attract others who cannot be fully vulnerable, open, trusting and loving too.

It’s a mirror.

It creates painful relationships, where one or both people feel unloved by the other. And again, the next relationship is over, before it’s started.

If you want love and HAPPINESS in your life; it’s time to drop the compartments.

What to do to stop the compartment craze?

As a recovering compartmentalizer and a coach, here are a few tips:

  1. Notice your resistance to another person. Why is it there? Is it something they did or something from the past?
  2. Evaluate your hypersensitivity to assumptions about people in your life or that you’ve just met. Are you already in defense mode, shoving your vulnerability into a box?
  3. Do you say “yes,” then something pops into your mind, scaring you and you quickly numb it out and change your mind? STOP. No second-guessing. When you say yes, stick with it even through the discomfort.
  4. Have you heard of emotional risks? Take some. You’ll survive even if disappointed.
  5. Communicate your numbness, aloneness, fears and areas where you ACT tough…being tough is not strength, it’s a mask for fear.
  6. It’s time to grow up emotionally. Hiding, numbing disappointment and hurt, blaming, disappearing or cutting off are child-like ways to deal. Face it head on; allow it. You’ll feel way more confident.
  7. Get out of your head, find the love in your body and take action from there. Let it scare you. Keep walking through to the other side…to where the living are having a good time.
  8. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Trust. Have faith. Remember life is an experience and if you aren’t getting back up and dusting yourself off to try again, you aren’t living your experience.
  9. Love, don’t fight it and invite it. Lose yourself in it.
  10. Control is fiction, compartments give a false sense of it, recognize the feeling. You can tell, because your reactions to someone or something are measured and controlled. Remember it masks weakness, so lose the control and aim for authenticity in all situations.

Email me if you’d like to discuss: Tracy@tracycrossley.com

Innocence Lost?

Painting by Picasso

I’ve noticed a trend with some divorced, older folk over 40; weighed down in a baggage claim filled with unclaimed luggage.

We were not born with baggage; we started accumulating it in childhood.

By the time you enter midlife, you may be tripping over your voluminous collection and it keeps getting in the way.

In childhood, we formulate an idea about the world and our place in it, stemming from a variety of motivating factors or disempowerment. We learn this planet is safe or unsafe….and for many individuals it’s somewhere in-between.

Our experiences give us a belief about ourselves, some accurate and some terribly inaccurate. What’s a kid to do? Vulnerability is our natural state, but when you get hurt as a child, you may look for protection or coping tools against future hurt, becoming invulnerable.

You carry this protected “you” forth into all of your relationships. Whatever belief you developed from that early experience is at the base of your relationships.

Why?

When an event outside of you occurred, in which, you were hurt; you may have personalized it, then you made a decision giving the event meaning. Maybe you thought you deserved it….so you put it in your backpack. Subconsciously, you go through life TRYING to attract the same situation over and over; a “do-over,” and hope for different results.

If you felt unlovable, bad, invisible; or that you had to be perfect to be loved and so on…you’ll keep recreating this in your relationships. If you feel life gives you lemons; you may be dooming yourself to a love life of lemonade without sugar.

If you’re unaware of how these beliefs control WHO you attract and HOW you handle your relationships, it can get quite unwieldy by middle age.

By the time you have enough experiences under your belt, you may incorrectly label yourself, and the world watching your love life get very small. You give the experiences power in determining your fate. And you make sure it remains true.

There are no good men or women left; the same thing will happen to me again: I’ll be heartbroken, cheated on, lied to,  they’ll leave me, etc… are obstacles we throw in front of our deepest desire.

We all want love and connection.

We want to be known, accepted, adored, allowed, respected, appreciated by another.

Many of us feel unworthy on some level, so we hide it with a facade. We’ve probably had someone(s), somewhere along the way who confirmed our worthlessness too. It makes that baggage even harder to unload.

People stumble out and into the same relationships over and over, proving their lack of lovability by possessing a fatal flaw. We create it over and over, because before we even start dating a person; we hope they’re the miracle cure for what ails us in the love department.

We don’t realize we are OUR own cure.

We don’t get, its a choice to be 90 and have 12 cats keeping us company in our lonely corner of the world. We get caught in our old movies; it’s an old worn-out definition of our love life with a limited view of the opposite sex.

We either ATTRACT or WE ARE a crazy-maker.

We want someone to hold us, kiss our wounds, tell us it’s okay, be vulnerable and loved, but the crazy-maker runs or sabotages when those ol’ feelings of love stir.

Nope, I can’t be devastated or decimated, not going there!

In effect we run, hide or shut down the VERY thing we crave. 

The other person may or may not be on the crazy train with us, but either way, it creates confusing actions.

We drive ourselves nuts too.

Whichever side you are on, the question of “WHY” looms large.

Why do I feel like I’m gonna be swallowed up? Why did she say “yes” to moving in with me and then ran off with my best friend? Why did I just walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me? Why did he or she leave me when we’re a perfect match? Or I’ve been single for YEARS, WHY?, CUZ this always happens!

There is a never-ending list of “why” questions.

Each one of us can change the picture and the fate of our love lives.

No matter how battle weary you are from your craziness to not fall in love and yet fall in love at the same time. Sigh. So contradictory.

You can STOP in your tracks. Sit down, close your eyes and listen to your heart. Just listen to it beat. Once you feel the beat, open it…open it wide; use a crowbar….it’ll open. What does that feel like? Freedom to love?

It may scare the crap out of you. Either way, it gives you an answer of where to begin on the journey of love. Your love needs to shine inwards, accepting every little corner of your musty, dusty experiences. You need to bathe in it and connect to your own self-awareness.

Self-awareness is knowing how and why you feel the way you do; understanding your past experiences with different glasses and seeing who you truly are under ALL that baggage.

Once you are clearer on YOU, then look to another. Understand they’re imperfect like you and cannot heal your past. Instead, they can be a true new beginning to having a solid, happy and healthy  relationship. If your vision of doom and gloom comes up TALK ABOUT IT and keep talking, before the death march ruins your relationship.

If you’re already destroying what you want, STOP and do the exercise above again. Get clear, real and courageous. The more courage you have to do the opposite of what you’ve been doing for years, the bigger the results and the larger your confidence will grow….even if you have been dragged through hell in the past.

If anyone is interested, I can provide a second post on this subject, please let me know.

I got a secret about trust

Maybe you know it already?

And this may just be a small reminder, as I like to believe, we all need those once in awhile.

This is one of the biggest truth that I know in the name of TRUST.

When you say, I am going with the flow; I am allowing; it is out of my hands and I am along for the ride…

Are you really?

Have you let go of setting limitations (not boundaries), or are you saying something like this to the one you are in love with:

” I am in this relationship with you, and I am seeing where it goes, organically….but, I am NOT allowing either of us to force it or jump in head first. “

Sounds like a little policing activity, eh?

A little salt shaken, pepper ground and tossed with a bit of control.(or maybe a lot of control)

If you say your garden is free to manifest, grow and become a blooming Universe of delight, then you would allow it to do so…you would maintain its growth. All that is needed is to pull a few weeds, water, feed and nurture your garden, right?

If you trim your plants back too far, what happens? They wilt and die.

If you withhold water and care, what happens? They die. 

Same thing with your relationship too.

And what does this analogy have to do with trust? Everything.

Trust is never EVER, EVER, EVER about the other person. EVER!

If you remember that statement and apply it to your relationship, it is half the answer.

It is NOT about trusting others to NOT hurt or disappoint you. BECAUSE I GUARANTEE AND PROMISE THEY WILL….“trust,” the day will come…..and it will pass…..and life will go on and so will you, hopefully still together.

And the thing is….don’t hold onto the disappointment and hurt, let it go for your own health and well-being. It doesn’t mean you are a doormat, it means you are showing yourself kindness and love, which in turn is given to your partner.

What am I talking about?

Everyday is an opportunity to learn.

Today is a great day to start TRUSTING YOURSELF.

The key isn’t again trusting anyone else. The key is to RECOGNIZE YOUR FEAR….and do it anyways!!!

You THINK your fear is something like the following: Will they lie, cheat, forget, dismiss or do something to hurt me?

When in reality, that is NOT the issue.

In reality, it is your fear that you are NOT resilient enough to handle the pain of disappointment and hurt.

You don’t TRUST yourself to recover and breathe in the next moment.

You feel this ONE for sure could take you out of the game permanently, so you think, “Maybe I’ll play it safe and put one foot in and keep one foot out,” which by the way insures the “demise” of your relationship.

Playing it safe, is NEVER safe.

It is just a way to give pain, punishment and suffering to yourself and the other person, because it is limiting–there is no freedom, no oxygen….no flow, its really just a trickle.

You are NOT allowing.

You are saying, “If I cut a hole in one side of the box I live in…I can say I am NOT truly living in the box.” yet, the box is still your home, even if you cut a window in the side.

People spend a lifetime protecting themselves against hurt and disappointment only to find it happens anyway.

When I have a client who is complaining about their partner, it is usually fear talking…fear that their partner is and will disappoint them. And fear that they can’t handle it at all….they want a GUARANTEE where there is only one truth…that is: get used to the fact that you are both human and will disappoint each other…ain’t nobody perfect here!

We want to make it about the other person and what they “are or are not” doing. And then we don’t have to focus on our fear of being disappointed, because once they “all of a sudden” become perfect, everything will be okay. Hmmm?

It will never be okay when you depend on someone else to do the impossible and that is to be perfect.

What’s the secret about trust of yourself, in becoming resilient, knowing you can handle hurt and disappointment and not running for the safety of your box?

It is all in taking RISK.

It is only by doing, experiencing and living in and through that which scares you, is how you find your own resilience. Be bold, be courageous and RISK IT ALL, everyday!!! Now you are really living!!

And guess what…when you live with risk THERE IS FAR LESS disappointment, than when you play it safe.

Why?

Not only are you happier and your partner too, but all sorts of things don’t seem to bother you so much, because you know you are resilient and will make it through!!!

You will stop taking everything the other person does personally. It is realizing you’re both human and will make mistakes and guess what? You will survive.

And if you are really interested in learning how to stand vulnerably with who you are and your fears, I guarantee you will come through your relationship with more INNER PEACE and stability than you have ever known in your life.

Trusting yourself does NOT lead to bitterness, it leads to openness, freedom, understanding and allowing love.

Trusting yourself means you give and receive freely with no thought to the dude from Halloween showing up to ruin your day.

And when your partner disappoints you? So the hell what!

Yes, it should be discussed and if action is needed, it should be taken, but honestly…you will survive and instead of being a fragmented, compartmentalized person… you will find yourself fully engaged, whole and stronger while being happily vulnerable with a NEW understanding of what true strength, love and trust truly are to experience.

It is really the biggest secret…trust yourself and watch miracles and dreams come true. I promise.

Relationships and the Common Denominator

I’d like to ask you a question or two…

In regard to a current or past relationship, what was the dynamic in this relationship and do/did you find yourself in the present moment (rather than the past) when strong emotions came up?

How did you feel right before you said words that provoked a fight beween you both; or made you inclined to walk out the door? What was the feeling when you were compelled to make a decision in the midst of any strong emotion? How OLD was that feeling, which initiated your action?

What is it you “do” that re-creates the same issues again and again in your relationships?

The “doing” is old conditioning and being unaware of your own emotions in the moment, what is it that is NOW being provoked, which brings the past into the present?

We are only doomed to failure in a relationship (barring abuse or some other event which is harmful to one’s mental/physical health) because it is what we work toward creating, when we “unconsciously” and falsely believe it is what we deserve.

When relationships have failed in the past what is the commonality?

What was the feeling that took you over in 0-60 that lead you to ruin? Who or what is driving the car?

One may ask herself/himself, “Why do I focus on things that ruin my inner peace and I can’t control? When I do something to try and control it, which makes it worse. It is like I’m watching a rerun of a past situation in a relationship.”  

Nothing is written in stone, so why do we act as though “this always happens to me”, as though we are unaware of what we create in our relationships?

In this state of auto-pilot, we use blaming, cajoling, forcing and withholding to get what we believe is the perfect outcome.  When we use these tactics the outcome is never fulfilling, it usually leaves us wanting more.

It is never is about the other person.

It is what we allow when we don’t have boundaries or we traverse the boundaries of our partner hoping for a reaction.

Who is right or wrong? Who cares? The people engaged in the struggle are in an ancient battle. A re-enactment of their history, except this time with a different person.

I always love the saying, “wherever you go, there you are.”

And in the context of relationships…we bring “me” to “we” and think that the new person is different, until we find certain commonalities of communication and reaction we had in past relationships. And what is the common denominator?

Awareness brings openness.

And to see how you truly are the creator of your life, watch how you anticipate certain responses, actions and reactions from your partner.

Have you noticed when you emotionally feel a certain way, let’s say insecure…you get a specific reaction? Is your partner programmed depending on how you approach he/she to respond to you in a familiar pattern?

And you do realize there are two of you here?  Although when dealing with the ghost of relationships past, he/she could be a “stand in” used for the present, instead of a real human being. You both are playing a role in the same stale story wanting a different climax and result.

The outcome you seek may not be the same as your partner. So, again who is right or wrong?

We tend to hold our partner accountable for their response to us without first seeing the dynamic we bring to the situation.  We build a case against them and  if this relationship fails, we bring it to the next one.

I’ve mentioned it before, when you THINK you know what your partner will do or say WITHOUT them having done or said anything… YOU are building that future moment; you have all the tools or weapons to make it happen.

Our body language, tone of voice and words we use all are aimed “unconsciously”at that consequence; one from the past.

We are creating what we think is beyond our control. Truly.

We take no notice of the feeling we have before we engage in the act of destruction, except “not getting our way.”  What it comes down to is “my way”, “I want my way!” 

And in your desire to have what you want; the will of another must bend to your way or play along in your “ancient” battle. You create the outcome “you know and it is familiar”. And the bummer is, you never feel satisfied when this happens, ever.

You create more stories.

When you honor and respect yourself, you inspire that in another.

When you approach a person as though you are a 5 year old having a temper tantrum and must have your way…. you usually don’t get your way without a cost.

And this does NOT mean yelling or violence externally. It means the single-mindedness you have in your thinking cap of the situation turning out how you believe it should, like unanswered needs of a small child.

When we are unaware of our inner mental patterns they tend to be distorted, self-sustaining and contribute to auto-pilot resurrection of the past in the present. 

Awareness gives freedom.

No matter what took place in a past relationship you have the power NOW to choose how you feel and act. 

Awareness grows through being in the present moment and making different choices.

Take a breath, a pause, relax when thoughts and physical sensations become intense…listen to their story.

When you learn to sit with the intensity of your emotions, you have the ability to create…. because you relax; the peace and spaciousness grow and awareness shows you are not reacting to a present moment, but one from a story long ago.

Even if you have no intensity in emotion and you are simply anticipating words or behavior from your partner … you are not “predicting”,  you are setting up the story-line.

All of the storyline is from the past.

Again, pause to stop thinking “I know” and let something happen based on a clean slate.  Don’t color it. Treat it like the first time. A new experience with this person, situation or conversation. You have the magical ability to create a completely different outcome now.

Life is about creating, new experiences and opportunities, NOW. It doesn’t have to be limited to re-living the past.

Love is The Word!

I do wonder about love when it comes to intimate relationships.

How many people actually love the one they are with, right now?

Which then begs the question, how many people actually like the people they are with in a relationship? Maybe you like or love em’, but want your mate to change? And if so, is the pattern to withhold love until this person acquiesces, giving into the demand?

Is there acceptance or denial of what is true in your relationship?

When it comes to me, I choose to be with a person I like as well as love. And I choose to have the same relationship with myself.  I know for me, my partner as a friend and a lover is the only way to be in a relationship. I cannot imagine a worse place to spend any time than with someone I don’t like.

And…being with someone who doesn’t accept me “just” as I am, means a descent into a personal hell that I’ll avoid visiting and take the nearest subway out, thank you very much!

If it is change I want in a relationship, all I can do is direct that inward.

Change will happen when I don’t engage in the same dynamics, when I take a time out and ask myself what is the motivation for my actions; love or control?

True change happens from love of one self. I change, because I want to be happy inside; I really dig the feeling of well-being. It is my natural state. It is a state I never knew until a few years ago. I thought the low level anxiety I carried was “normal”, yeah…not so much.

I believe we all change, whether we set out to or not.

The key is having a bit of a “say” in what direction you would like to evolve.

There is joy in watching your partner grow into his “own” sense of happiness and journey of learning who she is, what he truly wants and all the darkness in between. As humans, we got it all!

I recently observed a friend with her boyfriend. He said something and the look on her face was a mix between “ignoring” the comment, yet refraining from eye rolling. 

The comment he made to us both was in defense of a characteristic of his personality, which she would really like to see change.

I am not sure, which struck me more as sad; the comment or her look. I know there are certain elements of his personality she’d like to see change, so that she is more comfortable. And him pleading his case had a sort of regrettable appeal. This exchange may just have been an old worn out discussion between them and she no longer had the patience to contain her annoyance? And maybe he just wanted to needle her to get a rise?

Often, we believe our partner is aware of what annoys us about them, and we may think they do it on purpose.

The truth is most of the time they are just as unconscious as you.

They say and do things in which there is no awareness of “why”, it just feels “natural” and so the behavior continues.

Sometimes it is truly part of the anatomy of personality, but more often it is a learned or conditioned behavior that your partner exhibits. In truth, if your partner became more aware, she would be able to recognize the issue and then choose to take different action.

ALTHOUGH, change must be what your partner wants for his or herself (not because it bothers you). And there are features like one’s sense of humor that probably won’t change, so it is probably a good idea to “like” the one your with too.

When we expect change in another, what does that say about “who we are”? How happy are we with ourselves? And what about our partner, does your partner want you to change? Or maybe they just accept you? Could the main issue in your relationship be how you don’t accept them?

There are several answers to these questions and the reason I ask so many is to stimulate thinking and realization. Most of the time we are not aware enough about our own reasons for what we do in and out of relationships. The big bummer is that upon a little introspection we find most of the motivation has nothing to with love. It has to do with control and having our own insecurities calmed by the action of our partner.

If you want change….

Start asking yourself these questions posed in this post.

Dig deep, go beyond the stories you tell yourself to the core, the naked truth.

On the subject of love, like most people, I’ve read many books. Professionally, I coach my clients and have met many people in the “singles” industry over the years. In my past life, I had worked heading up marketing for a dating service over a decade ago. And when I was training as a coach, I learned how to be a  “love coach” of sorts, by instruction from an author of a well-known book.

In all these instances professionally and personally, I definitely learned a lot about things that didn’t include “love and  acceptance”, but instead showed shortcomings, inadequacy and how best to compensate for being unique. I also experienced events and information that were truly transformative; allowing me to personally leave a ton of baggage at the carousel.

There is nothing wrong with anyone that would make them less lovable.

Everyone has the same chance at love, don’t believe the illusion that only a select few get the chance.

You could do nothing and I guarantee if you want love to knock on your door, it will. You don’t have to do anything to bring it to you, BUT and this is something to keep in mind. If you want to be happy and have a happy relationship, then doing some heavy lifting in removing the baggage weighing you down is a good idea.

We just put things in the way of our own happiness, items that don’t belong to us and have nothing to do with love. Once we stop pointing the finger at our partner and look within, that’s when the real fun begins…that is our opportunity to create acceptance and love on a bigger scale.

I have two new coaching groups starting up at the beginning of this next year.

The first group will commence on January 10, 2012…its called: MAKING THE IMPOSSIBLE, POSSIBLE!!! This group will participate in a weekly phone call with me and others who want to LIVE LARGE and experience their dreams.

The second group is “All about LOVE”, you want to fall in love? Want to learn world-class acceptance leading to peace and well-being? Whether it learning to love yourself, your partner or bringing someone new into your life…I am here to help and witness the manifestation of your deepest desires in LOVE. This group will commence on February 1, 2012.

I will have more information on both groups in the coming weeks, so mo matter where you live and what you do….you can participate and make DEFINITE, BIG change in your life!

Victoria’s Journey: BEING LOVED; LOVING MY BEAU even when my Personal Behavior is depleting him.

Wealth of LOVING / Mature Relationships were non-existent in any romantic relationship I had occupied in the past. I had not been, nor understood, what I needed in a True Partner.

As a young girl I felt love if I was getting my way.  If I was disappointed or disappointed someone, I would feel and believe I was then not loved.

Years ago, I was married and had not possessed the standard for myself to expect and deserve  “partnership.” I was the breadwinner, carrying the financial load. I became driven for success and was put in the position to over compensate, because my husband was not concerned with providing for our family, he was content to just “get by.” 

During my marriage, I was conditioned to build up resentment and wait until it came to a head, before I spoke my piece and asked for partnership. I thought it was a given when we adults got into a relationship that we were equal partners.   I expected  that we would both just know how to interact, honor one another and be partners,  because we chose to marry.

After my divorce, I still did not experience any relationship that had maturity and a common desire to build together. A commitment was not present to rely or be relied upon as a partner.  My adult relationships all lead to the same place,  frustration and break up. I started to realize ALL things I needed, wanted and deserved had to come from one source first and foremost…MYSELF.  

This realization did not happen overnight.  I know the journey had started several years ago, and is still on-going in the present and into the future.  I did realize along the way, that I had to KNOW what it meant to be TRUE, to be RELIABLE, to hold in my heart and mind the details of what it is to be LOVE and to MIRROR Partnership. 

I took several steps within myself, my environment, and the way I lived daily, acting and then living…AS  IF.  I began to focus on what I knew for ME was LOVE and PARTNERSHIP.

One day, I realized I recognized this concept already; it had lived in someone that I knew when I was a young girl…16.  I had “dated” this young  man for a short time.  I did not realize at the time, that the eyes I looked into, is where I saw the Universe; those arms that held me and gave me a sense of comfort and  “home”; that heart which reached into mine and made mine dance; his mind that challenged my own mind enough to push me forth and played enough to be of comfort; would result in the SOUL that lingered within my realm for over 2 decades.  I remembered and recognized that this person matched me as yin and yang...that at my Worst I was okay, and at my Best I was Better.

I sought this friend out.

We corresponded for almost a year; our first date was the beginning of the last year and a half of our Partnership. We’ve had many unexpected situations thrust upon us; from heart-wrenching to financial hardship. External disruptions that we EACH discuss, examine, work through, triumph and ultimately come together to the center of our home, which is…LOVE.

We both have learned over our own past experiences, that it first comes from ourselves, then we share and partner the rest with one another.

Just the other morning, after he was over-worked, hours past exhaustion, I expected when I woke to see a weary and withdrawn face. I slowly walked  out of our bedroom, into our kitchen and I saw his eyes twinkling; his smile sparkling at me.  After the past year and a half of the circumstances we have dealt with, another couple may have chosen to run in opposite directions.  I woke to see his soul dancing and the 16 year old boy I fell for 26 years ago.  I saw WHY I had  FALLEN for this young man so long ago.

It is only NOW in my own maturation, in my own growth and honesty with myself, that I could truly see what this MAN brings to me and that it is my responsibility to honor.

When things get tough, I remember that I had traveled through my past experiences to be here.  This is exactly what I sought for myself.  It is what each exercise and mindful practice brought me…I  manifested being with this man.  I pictured him, I recalled his qualities-good and not so good, I remembered WHO I was able to be when I was with him.  Now that he is in my life; we share our lives; each day is a testimony to WEALTH of MIND, SOUL and HEART.

This is one of my most valuable investments my life experience has allowed  me…THANK YOU UNIVERSE for bringing me to the maturity and the knowing HOW to BE and to ASK for PARTNERSHIP!