Nobody Wants Me

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I received that statement in a text.

It came from a man who I shared an on/off relationship with for 5 years.

It’s not so much of what would provoke him to write that statement, but the lack of self-responsibility in having created the situation for himself…causing him to feel that way.

It seems he believed this occurred through no fault of his own.

In my response…I held the mirror up and suggested he might want to look at how he rejects his own happiness and that as much as he claims, “He’s complicated,” it’s his own choice, so that he may remain alone.

I didn’t want to tell him what he’s doing right or wrong, nor did I want to rescue him from himself. I just tried to mirror back his statements, because I used to say things like that to myself all the time!!!

All the time. Daily. Morning, Noon and Night.

I thought the Universe was out to get me….or that I just attracted shit, because of something beyond my control. I didn’t realize my feelings about me and my life were attracting people/situations that suited my depressed outlook.

This man labeled himself complicated.

Being complicated is an excuse.

It keeps us busy with our rules and fears, so we let nothing in; it holds up the walls from any intimate intrusion.

When we’re complicated we need things to be in a state of perfection (only known in our minds) before we can allow ourselves to go there.

And where is that exactly? To being vulnerable.

I used to be complicated.

I could sit in my head for days.

A state of self-absorption, everything was personal and the outside circumstances were always a source of frustration; A STORY, because I was trained to have an inauthentic reaction.

Being complicated is inauthentic…..simplicity comes from being real. 

HE lives in his head by his own proclamation. His next response to me, “Who wants me?” This statement used to make me prove myself, my love, my loyalty…to save someone him.

I used to rescue him, so I could ignore myself.  Now it felt so heavy…so victimized, because he again showed no responsibility for where his life appeared to be…

And a few days later he wrote another text, basically blaming me for his feelings. For his choices. For how he treated me.

Over five years, I let go slowly, because I wanted to understand ME and WHY I chose PAIN. I became important to myself in the process. I’m no longer looking for the qualities of PAIN in a relationship that I subconsciously held onto when I met him.  I don’t need the approval, the win or to slog thru his pain as the focal point of a relationship.

I had learned that as long as I said yes to pain–it’s what I would receive.

We’d always reach the point, where he’d state he couldn’t be consistent, show up or commit to anything more than being on the outskirts of my life, BUT HE wanted the deep emotional space within me that is open for an intimate relationship.

Basically, he wanted me to hang out til he was ready.

I share this, because so many people who contact me hold out hope of a person waking up and owning their life…so the relationship they’ve invested in and believed to be “the one,” becomes a reality.

It cannot be the focus.

The focus must come back to ourselves; letting go of wanting someone to change, and instead understanding our attraction in the first place.

We must accept the reality of how this person shows up, stop blaming them and know our attraction to the inevitable pain in a relationship.

Take responsibility for our choices, by quitting the fight for our needs to be met and to feel loved.

Inside of us is where true peace, love, evolution and happiness reside.

If you’re stuck in a situation, where you feel victimized, stuck or can’t let go, please contact me: tracy@tracycrossley.com

Do we need to be punished first?

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Often when I work with someone in my coaching practice, there comes a day where the question of punishment comes up….

The leftover, like moldy bread part of our childhood, in which we were a bad boy or a bad girl.

Or something like that.

It is fairly insidious, but we develop many actions and decisions from the thought that we may need to allow ourselves to be punished by circumstances, relationships, situations, jobs, strangers, etc…before we are rewarded or have what we want.

We may also just feel like Charlie Brown, nothing ever works out and we’re just punished for being who we are no matter what!

There seems to be a shared feeling of a “TO DO” list. Whether the list is for one day or its a list of tasks we must take on before we meet the goal to the detriment of joy.

It’s not to say we can or can’t have a list. It’s to say that our list shouldn’t control whether we allow ourselves joy or to veer off spontaneously from the list without guilt.

Guilt is punishment.

Worrying is punishment.

Having to climb a mountain before relaxing is punishment.

Hearing a voice in our head telling us what we do, think, or feel…OR “are” is not enough.

Actually having to do anything to prove our worth, who we are or what we do as good, excellent or deserving of something better is punishment.

As I said, it’s insidious.

The way to tell we’re in a punishment state of space:

  • Thoughts that won’t slow down, we feel we’re on the race track going toward some imaginary finish line.
  • We have anxiety or can’t sit still, we must be productive–busy–all the time.
  • We feel a heavy load on our shoulders that even when we try to relax it doesn’t go away.
  • We often feel we’re missing something.
  • A large sense of ominous fear colors our lives: our every move, as though something bad is going to happen…and we may not even know why.
  • There’s no joy to an accomplishment, there’s a feeling of having to get onto the next thing.
  • We may find things to purposely distract ourselves to enhance a feeling of guilt.

Any of this sound familiar?

Again…insidious.

How do we get away from something, which strangulates the joy, contentment and fulfillment we have inside…and sucks the life right out of us?

First: We need to get clear. What drives us?

When we have a long “to do” list that we must accomplish…asking ourselves WHY it’s so important is a good start.

How does it feel to think of all that self-induced pressure? What is the benefit? There’s always a benefit when it comes to the “stuff” we place on ourselves, it allows us to stay a victim to the circumstances in our lives. Why? It gives us excuses to keep us stuck; it as to why we’re not doing what we really want to do.

Second: We need to get clear. When did we start to feel we had to be punished to be rewarded?

The reason it’s important to know when that seed was planted is then we know where the concept developed, we can realize it’s not a fair assessment of who we are or what we do.

When we were kids and told if we receive straight A’s, we receive a trip to Disneyland, money, attention, etc…and somehow we made it a belief that if we work hard in every part of our life, we are rewarded.

Now, I’ve nothing against working hard toward a goal, but sometimes we work TOO hard, or we have an exaggerated sense of what we need to do, to be accepted, loved or rewarded.

We feel we deserve nothing, unless we’re punished first. And this applies to the large and small things in life…and to all that we do, because if there is a charge behind what we’re doing, as though we’re in a race with ourselves….then, it’s self-induced punishment.

There’s no invisible being who will punish us….we do it to ourselves.

Third: Recognize the looming feeling of disappointment.

Who will we disappoint if we do not accomplish the mountain climb? What will we not deserve, except punishment from disappointing ourselves or someone else? This can ruin our day, we can let it seep into a day where we’re exhausted and we need to relax, but the restlessness sits in us, the feeling we will disappoint.

Now what can we can we do with this information?

1. Clarity brings a change of thought and action. We can choose to know the roof will not cave in, if we don’t take the hard road.

2. Don’t distract. Simply enough, completely embody the decision to relax, say “no,” and with the same determination we climb mountains–fully embrace the decision to decide to do something else.

3. Practice self-compassion and kindness. In whatever form that is and if there is guilt surrounding that, shine the light of clarity on it…see what it says.

4. Let go. Release. Stop. Just stand still….opening our hands to receive, we must let go of what we hold onto that protects us from moving forth in our lives, into the unknown.

5. Do something we love everyday and watch the joy grow. There is no have to, except to breathe, eat and sleep. And well, brush our teeth.

 

50 Lashings, please!

(You can check my article out on elephant journal too)

Yeah, you were thinking in the physical. I’m speaking from the emotional. Punishment of others and ourselves can be a full time hobby.

When we feel wronged, what do most people do?

One or two things.

They strike back venomously, they feel self-righteous and a sense of power coming from diminishing the offender. Or they suck it up, privately hating the person or even wishing them pain.

Does either of these stances ever make us feel better? Maybe for a moment, but then we start to feel bad for one reason or another, which brings me back to emotional punishment.

We punish ourselves when we do it to someone else. We also kick and beat ourselves, not only for how we allow someone to treat us, but we do it when we make a mistake, fail BIG time, or put ourselves into circumstances that create ongoing suffering.

Sounds like a party, right?

Some are so used to living this way that they don’t know the heaviness, pain or sadness they carry isn’t normal.

When we feel hurt, wronged or we don’t get our way, it may lead to us blaming the other party. If we don’t stop and ask ourselves how we allowed someone to trample right over our feelings, then we are doing ourselves no favors.

Expecting someone to have ESP or wake-up and smell the blueberry muffins ain’t gonna happen by pouting, yelling, freaking out or anything resembling a punishment.

love when we feel insecure and instead of speaking up, we act like we’re two and punish the other person.

It doesn’t work. Does it?

Coercing someone to see what you believe is their wrongdoing isn’t satisfying and usually builds resentment from the offending party.

Not to mention once again, punishing others is punishing yourself.

And most of us are not purposely trying to hurt someone; many times we are just trying to deal with our own crap, and the side effect may be harm to another. It’s a vicious cycle.

Sucking it up and pretending nothing is wrong is not the answer.

Really, does sucking it up EVER feel good? Hell no!

What about other forms of punishment?

My personal favorite is to punish myself by committing to “the right thing to do,” not right for me, but for some invisible entity, society or for people I love. And when I commit to a situation that goes against my gut, heart and soul…I’m then engaged in long term suffering and punishment created by “me.”

Self-sacrificing means you are the one sacrificing your wants, needs and desires for some reason you believe is the only way to eventually get where you want to go. Except, you never get there. You get stuck in the martyr/victim role and never release the chains that bind you to a crazy ideal.

Someday never comes, its just yesterday over and over. And one day it’s all over and when that comes, will you be satisfied with the punishing limitations you lived?

What about punishment you give to yourself when you screw up? Fail? What does that look and sound like?

You may have served well during the Spanish Inquisition or some other dark time in history. You may be both the Inquisitor and the Victim. We know how to punish ourselves best. We wouldn’t treat anyone as bad as those voices in our heads can be….for sure.

Punishment operates in a slanted altruistic place, because it never feels good. I’m not saying be a selfish, self-absorbed jerk. No, that helps no one either, because then you are wallowing in your own juices.

So, what about all this self-inflicted emotional torture chamber type of punishment?

What is the point?

Is there a reward that’s ever worth the time lost to beating yourself up?

Or what about the years and years of resentment that can build toward someone very close to you, because of their perceived actions?

There is an escape route from this painful war zone.

Photo by Annbananne

First, take control of YOU. Stop giving away your power to others. This is not easy, but when you start saying “no” to things, which make your gut clench up, it’s a start.

When you feel dread about something, get clear on “why.” Where does it come from inside of you? Is it a past event? When you see why something makes you suffer, then you can change it…it’s not easy, but it’s the way to well-being and happiness.

Second, you create boundaries.

Remember, with children you teach them what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior; we do the same things with adults. We don’t offend; we speak clearly, succinctly and from our power place of vulnerability (true strength). It may take people time to respect your boundaries, but when you stick to em’, either it’ll change or they’ll be gone.

Third, if you are doing the right thing, it’s a daily punishment creating suffering and keeping you from happiness. There’s no greater cost at all, which you can control. Stop. Just stop; tell the people it affects how you are living in a purgatory of your own creation. Communicate what you really need and see what happens. You may start over with new people to support you or others may surprise you.  Communication is the pot o’ gold!

Fourth, when you make a mistake, please realize you are human. Not a super hero. If someone besides you punishes you for a mistake then you need to evaluate the importance of the situation, because it’s at a cost to your emotional health.

Fifth, don’t suck it up. This is surely the way to ill physical health. Communicate, even if you’re hyperventilating with that frog in your throat. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

There are quite a few things you can do to stop the dungeon of emotional horrors, these suggestions are just a start on the road to living your life on your own terms.

Feel free to email me or check out my website.