Power of Submission

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I thought the title was more catchy than the power of acceptance, but really….the opposite of resistance, is submission.

And in the context of power, the submission is not necessarily to another person, but to the circumstances as they are, and not how we want them to be.

What we resist, persists.

I speak with people all the time. many remind me of how I approached change with myself. I would seek out help, and then decide somewhere in there that I could just do it on my own. I could save myself time and money…and get there just as quick! After all, who knows me better than me?

Well…yeah. My resistance was not helping me, and as someone pointed out, if I went on my own, it would take me far longer to get where I wanted to go…and she was right.

I was still a bit of a control freak. I thought I was open, but I wanted it all to be my way. I thought I could immerse myself in books, here someone speak and change. Except, it took me a long time, because I was only grasping things intellectually.

To change our lives on a deeper level, we have to submit to change…to things being different than our familiar way of our patterns.

I can hear it when I am speaking to some people, who swear up and down, they cannot handle their circumstances anymore, but at the same time they want to defend their stance.They resist a different path.

Whenever we think of change, we want to be at the end result, the goal. We hope change will come in the middle of the night while we’re sleeping and we haven’t had to go thru any struggle or questions surrounding our actions….basically, we want change to just slip in the backdoor.

Instead, we resist the very things we want in life.

We say we want to be with our soulmate…

We say we want a great relationship….

We say we to understand ourselves better…

We say we want to be happy…

And so on.

As long as we do not submit to what is and accept it, whether it means we must forge ahead with change, or allow our circumstances to remain without trying to change other people then our resistance will continue and what we don’t want will continue……until we just can’t stand it anymore…

And then…we may be able to talk ourselves into numbing out to stay in a state of resistance. We can distract ourselves. We can numb out, or only express frustration and anger at certain moments…and then go right back into the state of quiet battle.

Sacrifice is not submission, it is another way of denying change. To submit is power. It says, my battle is not with life or someone, I accept all that is and hold myself responsible, so that I can create the life I want.

When we are not focused on the resistance, we can create. Our lives are a creation, so why not make our lives about being in a flow to go where we want?

Say “okay,” to what others want. It doesn’t mean, we do what they want or even think it’s a great idea; it just means we’ve acknowledged what they want and we are allowing them to do that without our resistance.

I spent a lot of time in my younger years helping people, who said they wanted my advice. I would get so frustrated when they wouldn’t follow it. I’d want to change their lives for them, or get them to do the right thing in my eyes….it took me a long time to understand, it’s not my decision…their life belongs to them no matter what my perception was of their actions.

When we perceive someone as wrong, or want to control another’s actions, we’re not living our life. We’re resisting our life, by ignoring it and what we need to do for ourselves. When we gossip, we’re in a state of resistance.

One way to tell, is the physical feeling that comes from the energy held in resistance. Everything feels tighter, tense and heavy. When we let go and submit to what is, we feel lighter, happier and able to see more clearly…so we can create our lives.

The more we submit, the more we create and the more we say okay to change. The inertia we feel or the walls we have around us, are meant to be broken through…if we allow them to remain, we won’t really change (or it may take us 50 years longer if we do it ourselves), we’ll keep doing things the same old way and read a book–thinking we now get it and we’ll continue in a state of resisting life.

 

 

 

Nobody Wants Me

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I received that statement in a text.

It came from a man who I shared an on/off relationship with for 5 years.

It’s not so much of what would provoke him to write that statement, but the lack of self-responsibility in having created the situation for himself…causing him to feel that way.

It seems he believed this occurred through no fault of his own.

In my response…I held the mirror up and suggested he might want to look at how he rejects his own happiness and that as much as he claims, “He’s complicated,” it’s his own choice, so that he may remain alone.

I didn’t want to tell him what he’s doing right or wrong, nor did I want to rescue him from himself. I just tried to mirror back his statements, because I used to say things like that to myself all the time!!!

All the time. Daily. Morning, Noon and Night.

I thought the Universe was out to get me….or that I just attracted shit, because of something beyond my control. I didn’t realize my feelings about me and my life were attracting people/situations that suited my depressed outlook.

This man labeled himself complicated.

Being complicated is an excuse.

It keeps us busy with our rules and fears, so we let nothing in; it holds up the walls from any intimate intrusion.

When we’re complicated we need things to be in a state of perfection (only known in our minds) before we can allow ourselves to go there.

And where is that exactly? To being vulnerable.

I used to be complicated.

I could sit in my head for days.

A state of self-absorption, everything was personal and the outside circumstances were always a source of frustration; A STORY, because I was trained to have an inauthentic reaction.

Being complicated is inauthentic…..simplicity comes from being real. 

HE lives in his head by his own proclamation. His next response to me, “Who wants me?” This statement used to make me prove myself, my love, my loyalty…to save someone him.

I used to rescue him, so I could ignore myself.  Now it felt so heavy…so victimized, because he again showed no responsibility for where his life appeared to be…

And a few days later he wrote another text, basically blaming me for his feelings. For his choices. For how he treated me.

Over five years, I let go slowly, because I wanted to understand ME and WHY I chose PAIN. I became important to myself in the process. I’m no longer looking for the qualities of PAIN in a relationship that I subconsciously held onto when I met him.  I don’t need the approval, the win or to slog thru his pain as the focal point of a relationship.

I had learned that as long as I said yes to pain–it’s what I would receive.

We’d always reach the point, where he’d state he couldn’t be consistent, show up or commit to anything more than being on the outskirts of my life, BUT HE wanted the deep emotional space within me that is open for an intimate relationship.

Basically, he wanted me to hang out til he was ready.

I share this, because so many people who contact me hold out hope of a person waking up and owning their life…so the relationship they’ve invested in and believed to be “the one,” becomes a reality.

It cannot be the focus.

The focus must come back to ourselves; letting go of wanting someone to change, and instead understanding our attraction in the first place.

We must accept the reality of how this person shows up, stop blaming them and know our attraction to the inevitable pain in a relationship.

Take responsibility for our choices, by quitting the fight for our needs to be met and to feel loved.

Inside of us is where true peace, love, evolution and happiness reside.

If you’re stuck in a situation, where you feel victimized, stuck or can’t let go, please contact me: tracy@tracycrossley.com

PAIN equals JOY equals LIFE equals FUN equals LAUGHTER

There is a formula to the topic of this post.
 

All parts of life experiences equal one another in magnitude of the ability to feel one emotion and its direct opposite.

Sometimes you may feel all emotions at once; moving from laughing to crying to anger to laughing to joy to sadness and so on.

If you try to squelch feelings of sadness or anger, you equally minimize your joy and happiness. We don’t get to select the emotions we want to feel and forget the rest of em’. Nope it doesn’t work that way. As a living being, you get to experience all of it by either allowing it, looking at it directly in the mirror or denying a feeling and having it come out inappropriately or in a way that doesn’t speak the truth of  who you are or what you feel.

Hey, at least you have a choice.

And pain, no one likes to feel pain either as a simple inconvenience or harshly as a total loss and heartbreak. In my last post about suffering, it was mentioned that it is a choice. We always have a choice about how we deal with the pain. Personalize it; suffer and make it “our” story, so we can victimize ourselves and not have to move on in our lives. Or feel the pain, let it speak to you and teach you; grow with it; see it and know that we are healing as we are feeling. And that we can still continue to participate in life, there is still the opportunity as long as we are living and breathing to experience the joy.

I remember a couple of years ago, as I was sitting in the emergency room with my adult child thinking about how long it was taking (my kid was fine, by the way) and how I had so much to do at home. And then I looked around the room and thought of a relative who had passed. I thought, “Wow, this person doesn’t get to be inconvenienced anymore or feel anything anymore, they don’t get to experience anything!”  I am lucky, because I am alive and I am here with my kid, who I love and am thankful is doing just fine. I completely and totally realized how great it was to be sitting in a hospital room waiting to go home. Lucky me, I got to go home!! When I’m six feet under, I won’t be going anywhere. Talk about a real reality check and heavy doses of joy and happiness to accompany my appreciation for life. Many moments before and since then have followed…and thankfully there did not need to be a tragedy attached to feel gratitude. It was the simple fact that I get to “feel”, period.

The fact is many times life doesn’t look like its going in the direction we want it to either for a few minutes or for years.  This can create a lot of pain, a feeling of battling with life. A resistance to what is your reality. At times like this, I ask myself where is the “joy” can I find it and the answer is “yes”. It is always there in equal parts to the pain. The laughter is there in equal parts to the tears. One day I will no longer be here to allow those moments to come and go, like the ebb of the tide and so, to feel it all on the shore as it washes over me is what I prefer; its a gift.

Next time you have to go to the doctor to get an immunization, find some joy in it or when you have your car break down, think of how lucky you are to be here on this planet experiencing the entire realm of emotions. Even a break up as heart-wrenching as it is, there is a sense of excitement and joy–the freedom to explore and watch as the untold future unfolds in that moment of pain!  Your present need not wait for the hoped for joy of the future, you can experience it now. How exciting can that be!?

Look around and see every other human being, we all have to endure less than pleasant experiences that create pain large and small. It is in how we decide to go through it! Rather than around it, under it or bury it…allow it and find the joy. Or laugh, find the funny absurdity in your situation. It’s ALL there, I promise. 

If you have any stories to share that are examples of finding the joy in pain, please either post a comment or email it to me at Tracy@13degreez.com and I will post on this blog.

To suffer is human?

Is suffering a necessary quality of being alive? Do we create much of our own suffering based on what we think we deserve?

I used to believe I had to be punished or suffer to achieve a goal. In my “unquestioned” belief system there needed to be a massive payment for achievement. If I didn’t suffer, more than likely I never noticed what I had gained at the time. If it came easy, how could it be worthy? And if I didn’t practically break myself in two to have what I wanted, then I believed I would not deserve what I desired….I needed to suffer enough. I usually felt I had to come from behind to win the race, the relationship or the real estate. It didn’t matter the situation, there just needed to be the appropriate amount of anguish associated with “winning” the prize.

Pain is not optional. Suffering is optional.

Suffering is never fulfilling, it may be comfortable and even familiar (as all old unhealthy patterns are just that–they prolong the pain). It is up to each one of us if we want to put ourselves through the gut and heart wrenching travels of bondage to pain. It is a choice. The deal is when you “resist” what “is“, you create suffering. It means, when you experience something that causes you pain, either you accept it or resist it…the decision is yours as to which is your mode of operation.

Most pain comes to us through things that are out of our personal control. So, if we have no control over certain events, why do we think by suffering we somehow win control of our circumstances? Whenever we have created a story for ourselves of what we believe reality is and what we hope it to be in the future, many times it will lead us to the doorway to disappointment. Sometimes things don’t go as planned–in fact most of the time there is a curve ball or some unforeseen obstacle or dead end we never anticipated. Or maybe we did anticipate that which we were involved in creating would bring us pain on purpose (welcome to self sabotage 101–the subject of other postings to come), maybe we felt undeserving of anything less than suffering in our life, in fact maybe we relish the suffering, because we know it so well.

It’s all about our beliefs and perceptions that create a disparity between truth and fantasy in how we approach our own reality. See life as it is, tell yourself the truth, don’t try to shield the pain–it just creates suffering. Doesn’t it seem a bit kinder and more compassionate, if we can feel our pain and embrace the emotions; while telling ourselves this to shall pass(and it will)? Instead of continuing to beat ourselves up with “shoulda’s, coulda’s and woulda’s”? And on top of it believe that nothing better will ever replace what we lost?

Giving yourself a hug, a bath, an ice-cream cone, a good laugh or some other act of kindness that you would offer to a friend who was in pain, seem like a much more loving gesture to offer to yourself? I vote “YES” as my answer….stop the suffering and feel the pain!  And in it, you feel the joy that is always present as you realize that indeed everything changes, including how you feel right in this moment.

I began to notice at one point in my life when I was battling reality and refusing to see things as they really were, that I would physically feel as if I was in a “fight”. I could feel the resistance in my body. When I accepted that life was different in this moment than I wanted it to be, I could feel my body relax. Even if I was not particularly thrilled with my situation and I was experiencing some pain, it took away my being stuck in the depths of suffering when I stopped resisting the here and now. I stopped telling myself this shouldn’t be happening to me, because as I knew deep down inside, it WAS happening! And even better, being human means that everyone here on this planet experiences pain too–so I should just join the party and know we all share that in our humanity. It’s a part of life. And wow, why did I feel like it was being done to me (And yes, victimhood will be another whimsical topic of another post : ) ) and that I must suffer, because why? Why? Well there is a list, just like Santa had his list of who was “naughty and nice” I had my  OWN list of all things that made me  believe I was undeserving, not good enough, bad ,un-talented, wrong, unloveable and the list goes on…and on. In a sense it was an indulgence, an entitlement to say my pain was worse than your pain….see, see me suffer?

Who wants to out-suffer and outdo the shackles of long term suffering more than the rest of the world? Not I…I prefer FUN and lotsa happiness, so I took responsibility for my experience, began to really appreciate what I do have in my life and I let go of what I couldn’t/can’t control. I dropped a ton of old negative beliefs about myself and my life, which all in turn changed my perception. Change your beliefs, your perceptions or maybe just your sunglasses and stop resisting, accept “what is” and miracles can happen. Suffering is a choice, so my friend, make a different choice. YES!!